sex after prostate cancer
June 11, 2020 10:29 PM Subscribe
My partner will be having a prostatectomy in the nearish future. Sex has always been our primary way of relating and connecting and while my main concern is supporting him I am trying to prepare myself for the changes that are coming.
There seems to be a good chance that there will be no erections possible without significant intervention because he already has some ED which his doctor said worsens the outcome of Viagra being effective after the surgery. I know him, he's not going to do those interventions, and it is likely we won't have the kind of sex you need an erection to have anymore. But he is told he could still orgasm without erection.
If it matters, I am a cis het woman. Up to now, my own sexual response is completely tied to feeling my partner get physically aroused by me. So I want to understand what will happen for him, both because I care about him and because it's going to affect me and our relationship.
Men who have had this operation or their partners: the websites and literature say a lot of things about sex this way, how you can still have intimacy etc. But I want to know what they don't say. Does it still feel amazing to have a partner give you oral sex when you're no longer capable of an erection? Does sex feel physically like you've entered an altered state or just very emotionally nice and more like a very pleasant physical experience comparable to other things such as massage that don't induce an altered state?
Do you still need sex for the sheer sexual part, or does it become more about love and intimacy and less intensely sexual?
As this is anonymous and I can't respond, I will say here that I *know* sex and intimacy are intertwined and that he can be happy seeing me fulfilled. But this question is really and truly JUST about the physical sexual desire and raw sexual experience of men following prostate removal. And for the men who have lost that: did you feel much grief?
There seems to be a good chance that there will be no erections possible without significant intervention because he already has some ED which his doctor said worsens the outcome of Viagra being effective after the surgery. I know him, he's not going to do those interventions, and it is likely we won't have the kind of sex you need an erection to have anymore. But he is told he could still orgasm without erection.
If it matters, I am a cis het woman. Up to now, my own sexual response is completely tied to feeling my partner get physically aroused by me. So I want to understand what will happen for him, both because I care about him and because it's going to affect me and our relationship.
Men who have had this operation or their partners: the websites and literature say a lot of things about sex this way, how you can still have intimacy etc. But I want to know what they don't say. Does it still feel amazing to have a partner give you oral sex when you're no longer capable of an erection? Does sex feel physically like you've entered an altered state or just very emotionally nice and more like a very pleasant physical experience comparable to other things such as massage that don't induce an altered state?
Do you still need sex for the sheer sexual part, or does it become more about love and intimacy and less intensely sexual?
As this is anonymous and I can't respond, I will say here that I *know* sex and intimacy are intertwined and that he can be happy seeing me fulfilled. But this question is really and truly JUST about the physical sexual desire and raw sexual experience of men following prostate removal. And for the men who have lost that: did you feel much grief?
A lot of trans women stop having erections when we start hormone therapy, and many keep having very good sex. It is definitely not just a fancy cuddle or a thorough massage, and it's not just about liking to see your partner happy. It is hot and physical and worth craving for yourself.
Something that he may experience, if he decides to keep going without erections rather than pursuing interventions, is a long-ish time of relearning. Mostly I'm mentioning that as a reason not to despair. If he gets fully healed and you can't figure out how to have sex that feels great, keep trying, and expect things to get slowly better over months rather than suddenly better at once. Remember how long it takes young people to figure out their bodies, and be that patient with yourselves figuring out something new.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:41 AM on June 12, 2020 [4 favorites]
Something that he may experience, if he decides to keep going without erections rather than pursuing interventions, is a long-ish time of relearning. Mostly I'm mentioning that as a reason not to despair. If he gets fully healed and you can't figure out how to have sex that feels great, keep trying, and expect things to get slowly better over months rather than suddenly better at once. Remember how long it takes young people to figure out their bodies, and be that patient with yourselves figuring out something new.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:41 AM on June 12, 2020 [4 favorites]
(And, like, I dunno, your husband is not a trans woman, obviously. He probably very much likes getting erections, and he will probably be sad and angry he can't anymore, and those feelings will probably last for a very long time. But the urges, desires, and physical sensations his body can have without erections will still be real and powerful and can still be incredibly hot and fun once he learns to reconnect with them.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:51 AM on June 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:51 AM on June 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
My mate Vik's So you’re going to have your prostate out? might prove reassuring.
posted by scruss at 12:06 PM on June 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by scruss at 12:06 PM on June 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Ive known men who've undergone this surgery and while orgasms can happen they are about as much work as women would have. A lot of it is mental of course. There should be stimuli from a variety of sources like images and movies as well as communication. Just let him tell you what stimulates him. The rest should come naturally
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 4:27 AM on June 14, 2020
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 4:27 AM on June 14, 2020
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