How to deal with guilt associated with hiring?
June 11, 2020 12:24 AM   Subscribe

Through the course of my jobs, I help recruit folks: some people I know through my network, some people in the industry. It's sometimes a rewarding experience, but I feel guilty the moment that they have a hard time at the company and much guiltier if I leave the company before they do. I feel like I led them the wrong way, or let them down. Is this normal? Can I change this?

To be clear, I'm not (so far) the founder of anything, just an early employee. And I'm never intending to lead anyone astray - I like my jobs and like the people I hire. But in this industry (tech) it's atypical to stay for longer than 2-4 years and also typical for things to be chaotic and change rapidly.

I've felt this sort of whiplash and guilt manifest so many times after recruiting many folks to work with me at several companies, and it's severely affecting my ability to do it in the future, like I just feel like I'm setting myself up for anxiety every time that I do it.

I don't know what to do: I often need to help out with recruiting in the positions that are otherwise well-suited for me. Help?
posted by anonymous to Work & Money (6 answers total)
 
I don't help recruit unless I have a good understanding of the environment and can give people a reasonable lay of the land so they can understand what they are getting into. If they have a full and honest understanding of the challenges they may encounter and are ok with that, then whatever happens afterwards is ok. It's not under your control if the goals of the business change or bosses leave.
posted by benzenedream at 12:44 AM on June 11, 2020


Honestly I think this is mostly just "all in the game" - if you're being open about the company as you see it, and they agree to join, they are making an adult choice. If that later doesn't work out it's not on you. Perhaps it might help if you could talk to one of the people where you've helped bring them in and how they feel about it? I would bet money they would be grateful to you for helping them and not hold you at all responsible for what happens at the company after that.
The only exception I can think of really is if you hire someone directly into your own team knowing that you are already on your way out of the organisation. Even then I think if you are open about it to them and the person goes into it with that information then it's a choice they are making for themself.
posted by crocomancer at 1:42 AM on June 11, 2020 [2 favorites]


If you recruit someone in good faith, give them a realistic picture of the organization as it exists when they are hired, to the best of your knowledge (and maybe have done some due diligence, too), then I don't think you really have anything to feel bad or guilty about.

Look - every, every, organization has warts. And they continue evolving every day - shedding warts sometimes, growing new ones - and you don't have a crystal ball (do you?) that shows the future.

And it's unclear what you mean by "hard time" -- unpleasant politics? Harassment? Too much work? Bad manager? I'd feel a bit bad (and responsible) if, for example, I recommended a job to a friend and it turned out their manager was a real jerk and I didn't catch that. (If I could have.) I'd not feel so bad if they get a new manager from outside the company who's a jerk and there was no way to predict that. Likewise, I'd feel somewhat responsible if they were subjected to harassment or bigotry and I didn't pick up on the red flags in the environment.

Too much work? Bad politics? Um. That exists pretty much everywhere I've been. And it can flare up unexpectedly.

And don't feel bad if you leave a job before they do. That's life. If you recruit somebody into an org and you know you've got one foot out the door, you should disclose that. But you're not honor-bound to stay at a company until your friends or colleagues leave in the normal course of people's careers.
posted by jzb at 6:12 AM on June 11, 2020 [3 favorites]


Yeah, I don't think you should worry. I used to work with someone who referred two people to our company. One ended up getting fired, and the other complains a lot. She actually quit the job when her doctor suggested that the stress was negatively affecting her health, and she felt really bad about bringing the other two into a situation like that.

But... Neither of the two seem to feel even the slightest animosity toward her for referring them. One was unemployed before, so even if the job sucks, it's still better than the alternative. And both of them had worked in tech before and understood the industry. They didn't come in thinking everything would be perfect and stress-free. Both are happy they took the job, even if it didn't end up working out for one of them.

As long as you're being clear to your referrals upfront, I don't see a problem. Let them know that the industry and the company can get chaotic. Share the negatives of the job with them. (That's actually a big plus for someone looking for a job - when you go in blind, everything is hype to make you think the job is just so perfect, so having someone to tell you it's not gives you a more accurate picture.)

Remember that you're not forcing them to take this job. You're suggesting it, and they're independently making up their own mind, presumably after thinking through the pros and cons. They understand that there's an inherent risk in any job, and they can choose to assume that risk. It's no different than if you take them out to lunch and they get food poisoning afterward.

Also keep in mind that the troubles they encounter can often be their own fault. Like, you didn't cause them to miss a deadline or whatever. Obviously there are some things that aren't, but performance-related issues are their own responsibility.

If they're just not a good fit for the position, that's the hiring manager's fault, not yours. They should have vetted them better during the interview process. Just because you suggest someone doesn't mean the company has to hire them, you know?

So yeah, don't worry. But it reflects well on your character that you do, if that makes you feel any better.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:19 AM on June 11, 2020


You got someone a job.

You did so in good faith and what happened afterwards was out of your control. But You Got Someone A Job. You’ve done an extraordinary favor, and if you’re holding yourself accountable for the uncontrollable that’s on you.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:53 AM on June 11, 2020


I have a different perspective from other responders. Not that you SHOULD feel guilty, it’s just a different perspective, in part because I am currently suffering from depression due to mobbing and discrimination suffered in a job I absolutely love to the point of being addicted to it.

We all have blind spots. Given my enjoyment of the job, without the mobbing I would have been very enthusiastic when talking about it, without consideration for questions such as:

- Would someone with an accent get along with my colleagues (answer = no, and I know that because I am being discriminated against based on my nationality)?

- If someone doesn’t love the job tasks as much as I do, would they want to work 10-12 hours a day or more, as is necessary to cover even a fraction of the duties and assignments?

- If they are a woman (or another category routinely treated as second-rate, including a number of men) – would they feel discouraged to yet again work in a place where (some) men’s opinions, however unfounded or outright ‘stolen’ from other, less powerful or power-adjacent employees, are invariably given precedence?

- Is the workplace really extroverted and the person I am interviewing is very introverted and unhappy with the social pressure, or vice versa? Etc.

There are many things beyond the mobbing that are actually not OK about my job – I just don’t see them consciously, either because I’m not directly affected or else because I like the work so much.

It’s possible that your unease derives from a similar situation, one where you subconsciously realize that you might have papered over something that IS maybe an issue, just not an issue for you, for whatever reason.

Things that I could have done without in interviews:

- ‘We are one big family here’. Said emphatically at a previous workplace a few times during the interview. The most back-biting place I ever worked for (which is saying something) and the only place where two of my colleagues actually got into a physical fight – one of them was a really lovely, mild (and intimidated) woman who was defending herself from one of the workplace bullies – also a woman & head of HR. This was in middle-class, mild-mannered UK.

- ‘We will given you all the support you need’ – in one workplace where I received training for exactly 0 minutes and passive-aggressive truculence whenever I tried to get even 1 minute’s support in finding out what the process were, how to access software & CMS, etc.

- ‘There is a one-year mentorship program, with a personal mentor, but the whole team will be accessible for mentorship’. This for a re-training program – zilch mentorship. All trainees bar one left the company within a year. This was for a tech role; more experienced co-workers who had entered the company via a different route seemed reasonably happy.

- ‘No-one else in the company understands what we are doing, so it’s quite quiet in general, but since we are the only ones who know how the core product works, we are the ones driving development and people are really eager to work with us’. OMG almost hilarious. The company wouldn’t know R & D if it hit them in the face and ‘quiet’ actually means ‘severe mobbing if you’re more than window-dressing’. The hiring manager – who is himself treated quite badly – later admitted that what he said was wishful thinking.

Etc.

My advice – see if what I wrote rings true in any way. If yes, I think analysing possible past embellishments and understanding the reasons for your blind spots might help.

If not, I align with other responders; try to forgive yourself.
posted by doggod at 2:53 PM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]


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