Decades of workaholism, how do I find my way back?
June 8, 2020 3:53 AM Subscribe
How do I come back from nearly two decades of workaholism? I've been going full-speed at my career for ~18 years, and I think I've broken my soul. I know this isn't right, but I have no habits, no hobbies, no friends, nothing left outside of my job to build on.
Every time I swerve from the working path, it hurts: hurts to let balls drop, hurts because I'm terrible at everything else, and my job is demanding enough that it's hard to escape. Taking a day off means an inbox full of chaos or people chasing me on the phone.
I had the thought today I just want to break my phone, break my pc, disappear to another state and just hide for years and years until none of this is my problem. I don't know how to dig myself out of this because it's all I know, but I know it has to stop: my health is shot, my mind is shot, there's nothing left of me and I know I can't keep this up.
Where to start to get the hell out of here?
Every time I swerve from the working path, it hurts: hurts to let balls drop, hurts because I'm terrible at everything else, and my job is demanding enough that it's hard to escape. Taking a day off means an inbox full of chaos or people chasing me on the phone.
I had the thought today I just want to break my phone, break my pc, disappear to another state and just hide for years and years until none of this is my problem. I don't know how to dig myself out of this because it's all I know, but I know it has to stop: my health is shot, my mind is shot, there's nothing left of me and I know I can't keep this up.
Where to start to get the hell out of here?
Get the same job you have but at a different company. Establish fresh boundaries.
posted by oceanjesse at 4:16 AM on June 8, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by oceanjesse at 4:16 AM on June 8, 2020 [6 favorites]
You start by giving notice, knowing full well that whoever steps into your role is not going to be doing it as well as you have, and that the people you've been supporting are going to suffer as a result.
And at the end of the notice period, you walk away. You don't need to break your phone or your PC; all you need to do is make sure that your workplace understands that once you've walked away you will not be available to follow up on stuff they didn't think about before you left.
There will be pangs of regret. You will miss the hell out of it.
That will last maybe a month. Then the sense of freedom kicks in, and it's really rather wonderful.
You know how there are some kinds of noise that you really don't realize how incredibly fucking loud they are until after they stop and you can actually hear what people are saying again, without anybody needing to shout? Working to the point of burnout is very much like that.
posted by flabdablet at 4:17 AM on June 8, 2020 [6 favorites]
And at the end of the notice period, you walk away. You don't need to break your phone or your PC; all you need to do is make sure that your workplace understands that once you've walked away you will not be available to follow up on stuff they didn't think about before you left.
There will be pangs of regret. You will miss the hell out of it.
That will last maybe a month. Then the sense of freedom kicks in, and it's really rather wonderful.
You know how there are some kinds of noise that you really don't realize how incredibly fucking loud they are until after they stop and you can actually hear what people are saying again, without anybody needing to shout? Working to the point of burnout is very much like that.
posted by flabdablet at 4:17 AM on June 8, 2020 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: > May we know if you have any savings? It would affect the kinds of answers, I think.
A gross amount. I work, I sleep, etc. I don't have high overheads.
> Get the same job you have but at a different company. Establish fresh boundaries.
It's not them, it's me, if that makes sense. I've burned every relationship I've been in, skipped funerals, hidden panic attacks and self harm brought on from working this hard. But it's been me driving it, I create the situation, invite it. For whatever reason.
If someone asked me to dig a hole, I'd dig it twice as fast and deep as they needed, then dig five more just in case. Then dig with my feet when my arms were too tired to keep going. And so on, and so on.
posted by inland400 at 4:20 AM on June 8, 2020 [1 favorite]
A gross amount. I work, I sleep, etc. I don't have high overheads.
> Get the same job you have but at a different company. Establish fresh boundaries.
It's not them, it's me, if that makes sense. I've burned every relationship I've been in, skipped funerals, hidden panic attacks and self harm brought on from working this hard. But it's been me driving it, I create the situation, invite it. For whatever reason.
If someone asked me to dig a hole, I'd dig it twice as fast and deep as they needed, then dig five more just in case. Then dig with my feet when my arms were too tired to keep going. And so on, and so on.
posted by inland400 at 4:20 AM on June 8, 2020 [1 favorite]
If you have the money, quit.
There's no phone, e-mail, or anything else then.
You have money and know how to live frugally.
Go for walks and breathe.
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 4:32 AM on June 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
There's no phone, e-mail, or anything else then.
You have money and know how to live frugally.
Go for walks and breathe.
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 4:32 AM on June 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
The evergreen AskMe answer is, of course, therapy. I hope that doesn't sound glib, but what you are describing in your follow-up post (the destruction of relationships, missing important events, panic attacks and self harm) will need professional help to dismantle. You are clearly aware of the issue, or you wouldn't have written this post. It sounds like you have the money to start to address it. The first thing you need to do is find a competent therapist and they will help you figure out the road map toward a better balance in your life. Apply some of your drive and discipline to tackling *this* problem. I promise that you can change your circumstances, with professional help and hard work on your own behalf. Your life doesn't have to be this way.
posted by merriment at 4:50 AM on June 8, 2020 [37 favorites]
posted by merriment at 4:50 AM on June 8, 2020 [37 favorites]
Definitely therapy, but maybe simultaneously removing yourself from your work environment. If you're worried that you'll be lost if you just quit your job and take time off from working, you could look for a job that is impossible to do outside of working hours - the kind that requires your physical presence. Ideally the kind where overtime is limited or not an option.
posted by trig at 5:49 AM on June 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by trig at 5:49 AM on June 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
I have started to focus on this myself and I was about to resign in March when the world stopped...as my job is suitable for WFH, as I wasn’t frightfully busy and as my work permit depends on having a job I have paused that for the time being. The thought process was, need to be employed when renewing my permit and new job may be harder to find because cost cutting across the board. Also, if there are any redundancy packages going I’ll take it.
And it turns out that I dislike my job a lot less if I can do it at home. There was also a lot less going on on my projects specifically so I just worked less, used a few days of vacation to make up any shortfall on hrs. And I took it easy. It turns out nothing horrible happened. It also turns out to be much easier to take care of your physical health if you can reclaim your time commuting and if you can take a break to fix food or have dinner without significant coordination with the rest of the team.
So I’ve been eating better, making changes in my home set-up, mulling over my next steps. I have also dedicated a lot of time to getting up to date with all life admin, medical appointments, car, tax etc. This was all to use WFH as much as possible to be in a good position to either resign or request some kind of different role or whatever I end up doing.
Now you note that I have said nothing about personal relationships. I also made a point of reconnecting with people and made time to talk to family and friends. What I haven’t done is start to re-build my local network of people. This was both because of lockdown and because I have no idea about my medium term location and am too lazy to spend the time if I start a job that would mean moving.
But what it came down to for me was making a choice and taking baby steps. My first steps in that direction were autumn before last after I finished an incredibly intense project that left me a physical and mental wreck. And at that point I made a decision to stop killing myself for work. And from that came small choices like not checking email at all hrs/over the weekend unless previously agreed for a specific need .... and nothing horrible happened.
And I took 4 short vacations over the year and checked my email as little as possible. And I told people not to schedule meetings they want me to be in for 8 am because I have an hr+ commute to my client. And again, nothing horrible happened.
And over time, I was able to recover somewhat from that project. But it took a really long time and it was necessary to recover before making life more difficult by eg a new job. But I did start the discussion about changing my job with friends about 9 months ago and if the pandemic hadn’t happened I’d be working the rest of my notice period now (we have really long notice periods). And last night my friend did ask me where I was at with new job because lockdown is largely lifted here. So I am being held accountable now as well.
So not withstanding the fact that therapy would probably help, you can absolutely start to make small changes today.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:49 AM on June 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
And it turns out that I dislike my job a lot less if I can do it at home. There was also a lot less going on on my projects specifically so I just worked less, used a few days of vacation to make up any shortfall on hrs. And I took it easy. It turns out nothing horrible happened. It also turns out to be much easier to take care of your physical health if you can reclaim your time commuting and if you can take a break to fix food or have dinner without significant coordination with the rest of the team.
So I’ve been eating better, making changes in my home set-up, mulling over my next steps. I have also dedicated a lot of time to getting up to date with all life admin, medical appointments, car, tax etc. This was all to use WFH as much as possible to be in a good position to either resign or request some kind of different role or whatever I end up doing.
Now you note that I have said nothing about personal relationships. I also made a point of reconnecting with people and made time to talk to family and friends. What I haven’t done is start to re-build my local network of people. This was both because of lockdown and because I have no idea about my medium term location and am too lazy to spend the time if I start a job that would mean moving.
But what it came down to for me was making a choice and taking baby steps. My first steps in that direction were autumn before last after I finished an incredibly intense project that left me a physical and mental wreck. And at that point I made a decision to stop killing myself for work. And from that came small choices like not checking email at all hrs/over the weekend unless previously agreed for a specific need .... and nothing horrible happened.
And I took 4 short vacations over the year and checked my email as little as possible. And I told people not to schedule meetings they want me to be in for 8 am because I have an hr+ commute to my client. And again, nothing horrible happened.
And over time, I was able to recover somewhat from that project. But it took a really long time and it was necessary to recover before making life more difficult by eg a new job. But I did start the discussion about changing my job with friends about 9 months ago and if the pandemic hadn’t happened I’d be working the rest of my notice period now (we have really long notice periods). And last night my friend did ask me where I was at with new job because lockdown is largely lifted here. So I am being held accountable now as well.
So not withstanding the fact that therapy would probably help, you can absolutely start to make small changes today.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:49 AM on June 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
Read this. If it chimes (which it sounds like it will) and you have savings sufficient for a substantial amount of time off, quit. All future decisions about what you will do next, what place your career should take in your life and whether you should do a similar job in the future can wait until you have done a lot of sleeping, walking about, breathing slowly and not staring at screens.
Sometimes you need to stop smashing yourself in the head with a hammer to realise that's a stupid thing to do and it really hurts.
Work should be a support system for your life, not the other way around. Anyone who tells you otherwise is exploiting you and/or is a sociopath.
posted by Happy Dave at 7:09 AM on June 8, 2020 [7 favorites]
Sometimes you need to stop smashing yourself in the head with a hammer to realise that's a stupid thing to do and it really hurts.
Work should be a support system for your life, not the other way around. Anyone who tells you otherwise is exploiting you and/or is a sociopath.
posted by Happy Dave at 7:09 AM on June 8, 2020 [7 favorites]
Take a sabbatical or medical leave of absence for a few months and use the time for therapy and self exploration. Give yourself space to regroup and decide to return to your old job (with new boundaries) or explore other options.
posted by shoesietart at 8:07 AM on June 8, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by shoesietart at 8:07 AM on June 8, 2020 [6 favorites]
> I just want to break my phone
I would say that's actually a pretty good option. Hand in your notice with immediate effect, and tell them all to fuck off. You have some money, which means that you don't need their shit.
If that's too sudden & irrevocable - turn your phone off instead of breaking it, but leave it turned off & take an immediate leave of absence on health grounds. Say, one month initially. No email, no work contact whatever. In one month of cold turkey, I think you could find the time & space to establish the beginning of a life that you could live differently.
I used to be someone who "coped" under pressure. I'd look at colleagues who left their jobs because of stress & poor mental health, and I would wonder what that experience felt like - what would it be like to reach your limit? I didn't understand, because I'd never felt it for myself - but after a while, I found out what it was like because I realised that I'd reached my own limit. Everybody has finite capacity. It's ok to come to the end of the road. Other ways of living are available.
posted by rd45 at 8:11 AM on June 8, 2020 [4 favorites]
I would say that's actually a pretty good option. Hand in your notice with immediate effect, and tell them all to fuck off. You have some money, which means that you don't need their shit.
If that's too sudden & irrevocable - turn your phone off instead of breaking it, but leave it turned off & take an immediate leave of absence on health grounds. Say, one month initially. No email, no work contact whatever. In one month of cold turkey, I think you could find the time & space to establish the beginning of a life that you could live differently.
I used to be someone who "coped" under pressure. I'd look at colleagues who left their jobs because of stress & poor mental health, and I would wonder what that experience felt like - what would it be like to reach your limit? I didn't understand, because I'd never felt it for myself - but after a while, I found out what it was like because I realised that I'd reached my own limit. Everybody has finite capacity. It's ok to come to the end of the road. Other ways of living are available.
posted by rd45 at 8:11 AM on June 8, 2020 [4 favorites]
This year may end up weird on a lot of people's resumes. If you decide to resign it may be slightly easier to explain, e.g., family member needed care even if in this case it's you.
I think the current time is making a lot of people reevaluate their life and try to find ways to make it more like something they want to call theirs.
posted by typecloud at 8:46 AM on June 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
I think the current time is making a lot of people reevaluate their life and try to find ways to make it more like something they want to call theirs.
posted by typecloud at 8:46 AM on June 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
On top of the "quit" advice: Get some resources on coaching people and delegate your entire tasking to the people who will follow you. They'll underperform against your ambitions for them, but learning how to puzzle out why they don't see it like you do and to bring out the best in other people is the live-in rehab for overwork.
posted by k3ninho at 2:47 PM on June 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by k3ninho at 2:47 PM on June 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
I was in your position at the beginning of the year. I finally did just quit my job and took a month off. I spent most of it sleeping, playing video games, and rekindling relationships. It was the best month of my entire life.
Quit your job. Live for yourself for a month and see how you feel after that.
posted by joan_holloway at 11:26 PM on June 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
Quit your job. Live for yourself for a month and see how you feel after that.
posted by joan_holloway at 11:26 PM on June 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
Also, don't worry about how this will look on your resume. When I told recruiters I was fortunate enough to take time for myself without a job, they looked at my 20 years of nonstop work and understood.
posted by joan_holloway at 11:29 PM on June 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by joan_holloway at 11:29 PM on June 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
Others have covered the big parts: it's impossible to diagnose things over the internet but it sounds like this might be a combination of anxiety, harmful cultural norms that tell us our worth is determined by our work (with the unspoken caveat that it is never enough), and difficulty setting reasonable boundaries. Therapy is probably the best way to start. Getting a different job where you can set new boundaries, setting boundaries at your current job, or just quitting to work on yourself are all good options but therapy is less drastic and doesn't prevent you from doing any of those things in the future.
One unconventional idea: go check out https://www.reddit.com/r/Financialindependence. Not just for the finance aspect, but also to help you reevaluate your relationship to work. There are lots of people there who are hardworking and responsible, but who also believe there's more to life than work and stress. It also might help you look at your savings differently, not just as a number but as a tool to improve the non-financial and non-work aspects of your life.
posted by Tehhund at 2:52 PM on June 24, 2020
One unconventional idea: go check out https://www.reddit.com/r/Financialindependence. Not just for the finance aspect, but also to help you reevaluate your relationship to work. There are lots of people there who are hardworking and responsible, but who also believe there's more to life than work and stress. It also might help you look at your savings differently, not just as a number but as a tool to improve the non-financial and non-work aspects of your life.
posted by Tehhund at 2:52 PM on June 24, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 4:14 AM on June 8, 2020 [3 favorites]