Stopping abusive narcissistic mother from hassling me about disability
April 16, 2020 1:34 PM Subscribe
My mother, who is a dean of undergraduate studies at a queer and lefty school, considers chronic pain not a real disability, a sign of a weak person, and something to laugh about. She makes up stories about people laughing at me for trying to get SSDI, but it is clear she is the one in the stories.
In the past, she has also made up stories about our neighbors and university thinking that I should kill myself if I can not will myself out of chronic pain.
I have never filed a complaint about this with the city, with any disability advocacy league, with Legal Aid (I still just need to focus on getting the SSDI, despite the bullying), nor have I talked to her school, her colleagues, or their department of disability studies which is linked up to the hospital for joint pain where I go. I don't know what I imagine would come of that - maybe a zoom where intellectual and social justice matters could be discussed, and where my mother would learn how people talk about "cripples" these days, as she terms it, has changed.
Maybe just speaking to her uber leftist colleagues, at the pro queer trans disabled everything studies department where she graduated, would be a satisfying twist to this horrible power dynamic.
My mother is not good with money, or good with disability, or good with life; she has given away money that I could have inherited, solely so that I could not have it. She maintains that she is a good parent, just a weak bad malingerer. I live with her until I can escape this hell.
Where is the line that I can walk between protecting myself, either by starting a conversation with the city authorities or authorities at her school, or simply posting an account of my experiences online? I could reach out to her colleagues individually for help, not to hurt her (well yes, to hurt her) but more practically, to muzzle her so I do not have to face hate speech.
In doing so, will I risk her job, which protects both of us from being out on the street right now? (As mentioned before, I have respected her wishes not to apply for SSDI to preserve the honor of our family).
Who can I talk to so as not to feel so alone in this? I have the best mental health care, but someone with knowledge of the specific avenues available to me would be helpful.
In the past, she has also made up stories about our neighbors and university thinking that I should kill myself if I can not will myself out of chronic pain.
I have never filed a complaint about this with the city, with any disability advocacy league, with Legal Aid (I still just need to focus on getting the SSDI, despite the bullying), nor have I talked to her school, her colleagues, or their department of disability studies which is linked up to the hospital for joint pain where I go. I don't know what I imagine would come of that - maybe a zoom where intellectual and social justice matters could be discussed, and where my mother would learn how people talk about "cripples" these days, as she terms it, has changed.
Maybe just speaking to her uber leftist colleagues, at the pro queer trans disabled everything studies department where she graduated, would be a satisfying twist to this horrible power dynamic.
My mother is not good with money, or good with disability, or good with life; she has given away money that I could have inherited, solely so that I could not have it. She maintains that she is a good parent, just a weak bad malingerer. I live with her until I can escape this hell.
Where is the line that I can walk between protecting myself, either by starting a conversation with the city authorities or authorities at her school, or simply posting an account of my experiences online? I could reach out to her colleagues individually for help, not to hurt her (well yes, to hurt her) but more practically, to muzzle her so I do not have to face hate speech.
In doing so, will I risk her job, which protects both of us from being out on the street right now? (As mentioned before, I have respected her wishes not to apply for SSDI to preserve the honor of our family).
Who can I talk to so as not to feel so alone in this? I have the best mental health care, but someone with knowledge of the specific avenues available to me would be helpful.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
Response by poster: I have to live with her until I heal. I don't have SSDI yet. I might heal. I might get SSDI. Who knows? Maybe Ill be flying high in six months. Nothing is known. But I'm trapped in a space with her, even if I am silent she will not be, I have many years of experience about this.
Yes. My therapist used to bring up the term narcissism and I was go aw shucks since it's so popular. Now she's floating psychopathy. Psychopathic parent.
In our city you can actually file a report and force the parent to pay for you to live separately, if they have the means and you can prove they have discriminated against you. I think. These are all rumors, I need to find people who know I guess.
posted by societypages at 2:01 PM on April 16, 2020
Yes. My therapist used to bring up the term narcissism and I was go aw shucks since it's so popular. Now she's floating psychopathy. Psychopathic parent.
In our city you can actually file a report and force the parent to pay for you to live separately, if they have the means and you can prove they have discriminated against you. I think. These are all rumors, I need to find people who know I guess.
posted by societypages at 2:01 PM on April 16, 2020
I could reach out to her colleagues individually for help, not to hurt her (well yes, to hurt her) but more practically, to muzzle her so I do not have to face hate speech.
There is no scenario under which embarrassing her in front of her professional peers in her work place will not make your home life exponentially worse. This is a revenge fantasy, or a fantasy in which she realises she's been wrong all along and everything changes and you'll magically get the mother you wish you had.
You will not. It will never happen, and there will not be cosmic justice at the end of the story either.
In doing so, will I risk her job, which protects both of us from being out on the street right now? (As mentioned before, I have respected her wishes not to apply for SSDI to preserve the honor of our family).
Are you a Kennedy? Because if not, there is no honor of your family except in her imagination. Apply for SSDI, expect to be rejected, appeal, get out of the house, never speak to her again. (This is a *long* process, start now.)
posted by DarlingBri at 2:02 PM on April 16, 2020 [11 favorites]
There is no scenario under which embarrassing her in front of her professional peers in her work place will not make your home life exponentially worse. This is a revenge fantasy, or a fantasy in which she realises she's been wrong all along and everything changes and you'll magically get the mother you wish you had.
You will not. It will never happen, and there will not be cosmic justice at the end of the story either.
In doing so, will I risk her job, which protects both of us from being out on the street right now? (As mentioned before, I have respected her wishes not to apply for SSDI to preserve the honor of our family).
Are you a Kennedy? Because if not, there is no honor of your family except in her imagination. Apply for SSDI, expect to be rejected, appeal, get out of the house, never speak to her again. (This is a *long* process, start now.)
posted by DarlingBri at 2:02 PM on April 16, 2020 [11 favorites]
(As mentioned before, I have respected her wishes not to apply for SSDI to preserve the honor of our family).
Apply for SSDI and move out and never talk to her again. Talk about her with your friends and therapist and total strangers but forget some kind of larger justice regarding her behavior. The larger community rarely gets involved with family matters and also you can't win in a pissing match with your own mother, believe me we've all tried.
Your priority needs to be to get away from her, and SSDI is the only help you'll get right now so apply! Get a lawyer if you get rejected the first time, it's common so don't be discouraged. It will also open up access to many other options for help for disabled individuals as well as adult protective services if you should need them while moving out.
posted by fshgrl at 2:03 PM on April 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Apply for SSDI and move out and never talk to her again. Talk about her with your friends and therapist and total strangers but forget some kind of larger justice regarding her behavior. The larger community rarely gets involved with family matters and also you can't win in a pissing match with your own mother, believe me we've all tried.
Your priority needs to be to get away from her, and SSDI is the only help you'll get right now so apply! Get a lawyer if you get rejected the first time, it's common so don't be discouraged. It will also open up access to many other options for help for disabled individuals as well as adult protective services if you should need them while moving out.
posted by fshgrl at 2:03 PM on April 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Specifics and not gut feelings or moral inclinations would be appreciated. I'm not asking if it would be wrong to embarrass her, I'm asking how to get help to protect myself better than the current level. The only people qualified to say whether it's possible are people who have seen lots of people try and fail using legal means. I apologize if that sounds abrupt. I am also very familiar with the SSDI process, I have been in this situation for a long time and know many people with disabilities and many poor people with abusive families, so we have discussed some of these topics. I just haven't considered using the university yet. The police have been involved. Every time there's verbal abuse, a friend of mine encourages me to file another report, apparently these are marked down somewhere. I don't do it because it doesn't feel "productive." Well, I'm trying to figure out what is productive now, aside from being abused and accepting victimization quietly.
posted by societypages at 2:05 PM on April 16, 2020
posted by societypages at 2:05 PM on April 16, 2020
I have respected her wishes not to apply for SSDI to preserve the honor of our family
For all that she accuses you of 'malingering' or whatever, *she's* the one trying to keep you dependent on her. The criticism is so that you can't see that.
Don't let her.
posted by Elysum at 2:05 PM on April 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
For all that she accuses you of 'malingering' or whatever, *she's* the one trying to keep you dependent on her. The criticism is so that you can't see that.
Don't let her.
posted by Elysum at 2:05 PM on April 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
It may help to realize you're being domestically abused. The resources for that are applicable here. Violence doesn't have to be involved, you're being emotionally abused. So the resources for domestic abuse would be the best.
Specifically, your mother is using emotional and economic abuse (since she didn't want you to have a means to provide for yourself making you eternally dependent).
https://ncadv.org/resources is a site I just looked up with a lot of links.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:10 PM on April 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Specifically, your mother is using emotional and economic abuse (since she didn't want you to have a means to provide for yourself making you eternally dependent).
https://ncadv.org/resources is a site I just looked up with a lot of links.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:10 PM on April 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: And I don't have the strength to go after the financial abuse now but I might later. I'm really thinking about the long game now. She gave away property that I would have inherited. She has not assisted in my getting my dead father's property, letting his family keep it. There's a larger situation here and I just don't know my legal rights or how to protect myself.
I know that some of these brainstormed ideas of how to protect myself will have the effect of being self-sabotaging. Maybe that is true. But there must be ways to use the system to protect myself.
posted by societypages at 2:11 PM on April 16, 2020
I know that some of these brainstormed ideas of how to protect myself will have the effect of being self-sabotaging. Maybe that is true. But there must be ways to use the system to protect myself.
posted by societypages at 2:11 PM on April 16, 2020
There’s a concept in having narcissistic parents called “fleas.” They are narcissistic behaviours that you learn from them as a child.
Your belief that you will feel better or be stronger by embarrassing or humiliating her, or appealing to some kind of professional authority at her work, is one of those things. It feels like a solution because it puts you in the abusive position and because on some level this is your mother’s way. But it doesn’t work.
So, where should you put your energy? Call a domestic abuse hotline for advice. This is a tough time but you should be looking at support to move out as soon as possible - normally a shelter but obviously these are unusual times. Is there a relative you could, with quarantine procedures, stay with? But step one: hook up with professional resources.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:16 PM on April 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
Your belief that you will feel better or be stronger by embarrassing or humiliating her, or appealing to some kind of professional authority at her work, is one of those things. It feels like a solution because it puts you in the abusive position and because on some level this is your mother’s way. But it doesn’t work.
So, where should you put your energy? Call a domestic abuse hotline for advice. This is a tough time but you should be looking at support to move out as soon as possible - normally a shelter but obviously these are unusual times. Is there a relative you could, with quarantine procedures, stay with? But step one: hook up with professional resources.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:16 PM on April 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
Mod note: Couple comments removed. Asker, it's okay if you're feeling like the answers you're getting aren't useful to you; Ask is sort of take-what-you-can-get and dissatisfaction or frustration with answers is a legitimate feeling to have. But it's not something to go back and forth with folks about or chide answerers for. Please take what if anything is useful to you in the thread but then leave it at that.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:33 PM on April 16, 2020
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:33 PM on April 16, 2020
Are you in the US? The national domestic abuse line here is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
posted by sillysally at 2:35 PM on April 16, 2020
posted by sillysally at 2:35 PM on April 16, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
Who should you not talk to? 1. Your mother ever again. 2. Her colleagues in an attempt to hurt her. There's just no winning when it comes to this sort of thing, I know that isn't the righteous victory you want, but I've never seen it go well. You're not a student of hers, right? If you absolutely had to do something, you could write a letter to her boss... but again, I don't think this will have the outcome in any way you want. The cycle of abuse can end fully if you sever ties with the abuser and use therapy and time to heal the wounds your mother inflicted on you.
You cannot "muzzle her so I do not have to face hate speech". That's just not how things work. What you can do is block her on everything, avoid her and never speak or think about her again. I know that is HARD, and I'm not trying to sound flip. What I do want to sound is completely firm that your mother sounds incredibly abusive and absolutely no one should put up with it.
I'm really sorry your mother has done those things to you. It's a complete betrayal of what should be one of the most loving and nurturing relationships we can have. You can't fix another person though. That's just a simple fact of life.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:00 PM on April 16, 2020