In the age of COVID distancing, how to support someone who's dying?
April 2, 2020 4:13 PM Subscribe
I'm looking for practical ways to support and connect with my father-in-law, who is dying of cancer, and (even more so) his wife, my mother-in-law, who is his full-time caregiver. We are doing daily phone calls. What else can we be doing?
Father-in-law seems likely to only have a few weeks left. The hospital sent him home with palliative medication. She is a trained nurse, but obviously a bit overwhelmed with the situation.
They live in New Zealand. We live in Australia. We can't physically go to be with them. Even her brother and her other son, both of whom were staying with her to help out when this all kicked off, went home to their houses in cities just a few hours drive away, they thought temporarily, and now are no longer permitted to travel to her, even if they self-isolate otherwise. (NZ is being strict about travel between cities).
Someone from her church is bringing groceries (and leaving them on the doorstep). They are financially well off and don't need support in that way.
Even if I could think of things to order online that might brighten her day (flowers, other gifts), I believe NZ has also shut down all non-essential online shopping. NZ Post is also not supposed to be delivering parcels that are not essentials (defined as food and medicine) so I suppose I'm not even supposed to be sending care packages or anything from Australia.
The only other thing I could think of was writing physical letters. She doesn't use email (or the internet at all), but real mail might be cheering. I assume letters would get through, although I know it's kind of violating the spirit of "essential mail only".
Are there other practical things I could do or arrange to help out? We feel so helpless.
Father-in-law seems likely to only have a few weeks left. The hospital sent him home with palliative medication. She is a trained nurse, but obviously a bit overwhelmed with the situation.
They live in New Zealand. We live in Australia. We can't physically go to be with them. Even her brother and her other son, both of whom were staying with her to help out when this all kicked off, went home to their houses in cities just a few hours drive away, they thought temporarily, and now are no longer permitted to travel to her, even if they self-isolate otherwise. (NZ is being strict about travel between cities).
Someone from her church is bringing groceries (and leaving them on the doorstep). They are financially well off and don't need support in that way.
Even if I could think of things to order online that might brighten her day (flowers, other gifts), I believe NZ has also shut down all non-essential online shopping. NZ Post is also not supposed to be delivering parcels that are not essentials (defined as food and medicine) so I suppose I'm not even supposed to be sending care packages or anything from Australia.
The only other thing I could think of was writing physical letters. She doesn't use email (or the internet at all), but real mail might be cheering. I assume letters would get through, although I know it's kind of violating the spirit of "essential mail only".
Are there other practical things I could do or arrange to help out? We feel so helpless.
I think that comforting the dying and those caring for them under extreme circumstances is pretty essential.
When a dear friend was dying and we were not able to be there her partner asked all of us to write her letters that he in turn read to her. That way he could use the times when she was quiet and listening but not able to talk or even handle phone calls. Could you write her letters but also include letters, memories etc. directed to him that she could in turn read to him when it felt appropriate?
All my best. That sounds very, very hard.
posted by jeszac at 4:51 PM on April 2, 2020 [3 favorites]
When a dear friend was dying and we were not able to be there her partner asked all of us to write her letters that he in turn read to her. That way he could use the times when she was quiet and listening but not able to talk or even handle phone calls. Could you write her letters but also include letters, memories etc. directed to him that she could in turn read to him when it felt appropriate?
All my best. That sounds very, very hard.
posted by jeszac at 4:51 PM on April 2, 2020 [3 favorites]
Could you record something like a cd if they're old school, of singing, or talking, reminiscing, or reading news stories and commenting that she can play for him in the wee hours? That he can replay when he's missing you both?
Or video of your garden and all the things you beautiful things do in it? Recorded and sent, or put on a private
blog they can click on? Remember to show footage of how much you love each other, every parent wants to know their kids are loved and that mantle is taken up when they're gone. That was the dying wish of my father. To see his kids loved and loving.
posted by taff at 5:12 PM on April 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
Or video of your garden and all the things you beautiful things do in it? Recorded and sent, or put on a private
blog they can click on? Remember to show footage of how much you love each other, every parent wants to know their kids are loved and that mantle is taken up when they're gone. That was the dying wish of my father. To see his kids loved and loving.
posted by taff at 5:12 PM on April 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Just to steer the conversation away from further suggestions of this kind: M-in-L does not use computers at all, not even an iPad or anything. I don't mean she struggles with recent technology; she refuses to even try.
She only has an old-school flip phone without a screen (and mostly has that switched off as she mainly uses the landline). F-in-L did use a computer, but is no longer physically able to. Sending any multimedia via the internet or putting it online (even photos) won't work, unfortunately. Recording a CD or tape and posting it in the mail might work, although we don't have any equipment that can burn CDs or record tapes anymore now I think of it (our computers don't have CD drives), and as I understand it, packages of items that are not marked as food or medicine are possibly not being delivered at the moment anyway.
I might be able to get in touch with the person from her church who is delivering groceries, though, and send them photos to print out and include with the deliveries.
posted by lollusc at 5:19 PM on April 2, 2020
She only has an old-school flip phone without a screen (and mostly has that switched off as she mainly uses the landline). F-in-L did use a computer, but is no longer physically able to. Sending any multimedia via the internet or putting it online (even photos) won't work, unfortunately. Recording a CD or tape and posting it in the mail might work, although we don't have any equipment that can burn CDs or record tapes anymore now I think of it (our computers don't have CD drives), and as I understand it, packages of items that are not marked as food or medicine are possibly not being delivered at the moment anyway.
I might be able to get in touch with the person from her church who is delivering groceries, though, and send them photos to print out and include with the deliveries.
posted by lollusc at 5:19 PM on April 2, 2020
If we are now living in a world where bills are essential mail, but letters of comfort and cheer to a dying loved one are not ... well, I'm just not ready to accept that. Please send your letters without even a twinge of guilt.
If sending new pictures is not realistic, go through your albums for old family photos that you could tuck into your letters. Print a few new ones, if you can. Or just use your letters to describe the events they depict, so you can share those memories in a tangible way.
posted by peakcomm at 5:25 PM on April 2, 2020 [6 favorites]
If sending new pictures is not realistic, go through your albums for old family photos that you could tuck into your letters. Print a few new ones, if you can. Or just use your letters to describe the events they depict, so you can share those memories in a tangible way.
posted by peakcomm at 5:25 PM on April 2, 2020 [6 favorites]
There are some ‘treat’ like goods still available online in NZ - eg see t leaf t (sorry, unable to link - tho that’s the correct spelling) who have specialty teas in lovely packages and tins. Also, depending on their city, there are artisan bakers and so on still delivering who offer breads and other treats that are more gift-like. For example, in Wellington, AroBake.
Could you suggest to your mother-in-law that she/they keep a journal? This might be useful not only now, but down the track to read back over. The focus could be on the ‘good things’ that they see or do, even if only a sentence or two each day. For example, a family phone call, something they see in the garden (a new plant or a visiting bird), something that made them both smile. Perhaps if she’s open to occasionally sharing some of the entries when you speak, this can help to keep your conversation uplifting, and also reinforces that during a tough time there are (I hope) still some good things happening in their world.
posted by The Patron Saint of Spices at 5:57 PM on April 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Could you suggest to your mother-in-law that she/they keep a journal? This might be useful not only now, but down the track to read back over. The focus could be on the ‘good things’ that they see or do, even if only a sentence or two each day. For example, a family phone call, something they see in the garden (a new plant or a visiting bird), something that made them both smile. Perhaps if she’s open to occasionally sharing some of the entries when you speak, this can help to keep your conversation uplifting, and also reinforces that during a tough time there are (I hope) still some good things happening in their world.
posted by The Patron Saint of Spices at 5:57 PM on April 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Also carers.net.nz has many great resources that you could access from Aus, on all sorts of caring-related topics. From their website: “Established in the early 1990s by and for family carers, Carers NZ acts as the national peak body providing information, advice, learning and support for carers in our network.
Today Carers NZ is a national not for profit supporting a network of approximately 50,000 individual carers and supporting organisations. We do not charge a membership fee and fundraise to share our support resources freely with family carers.”
Their latest newsletter says that because many of their members don’t have internet access they’ve set up an 0 800 [free] number for carers needing support and advice, or regular chats and check-ins. Perhaps your mother in law could contact them via phone? Let me know if you can’t find the number.
posted by The Patron Saint of Spices at 11:39 PM on April 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Today Carers NZ is a national not for profit supporting a network of approximately 50,000 individual carers and supporting organisations. We do not charge a membership fee and fundraise to share our support resources freely with family carers.”
Their latest newsletter says that because many of their members don’t have internet access they’ve set up an 0 800 [free] number for carers needing support and advice, or regular chats and check-ins. Perhaps your mother in law could contact them via phone? Let me know if you can’t find the number.
posted by The Patron Saint of Spices at 11:39 PM on April 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Letters to a dying loved one are essential mail. Physical mail would be extremely lovely right now. Maybe the best thing even without the crisis.
posted by latkes at 9:54 PM on April 3, 2020
posted by latkes at 9:54 PM on April 3, 2020
I'm in a somewhat similar situation and I'm sending daily letters, and sometimes including other paper things like printed-out articles and photographs. I think that's super-appropriate for people who don't like technology.
Given they're not online, it might also help to offer to google things for them. They may have safety/pandemic-related questions or questions related to your FIL's medical status or who knows what. You might also want to quietly research how the pandemic affects what will happen after your FIL dies, so you can help your MIL then.
posted by Susan PG at 6:58 AM on April 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
Given they're not online, it might also help to offer to google things for them. They may have safety/pandemic-related questions or questions related to your FIL's medical status or who knows what. You might also want to quietly research how the pandemic affects what will happen after your FIL dies, so you can help your MIL then.
posted by Susan PG at 6:58 AM on April 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by xingcat at 4:49 PM on April 2, 2020 [3 favorites]