GayFilter: An incredibly sudden break up - how can I move on?
March 15, 2020 3:15 PM Subscribe
Happy relationship - or so I thought. Found a gay dating app on my boyfriend's phone. Broke up with him. What are my next steps?
I'm a 27 year old gay male. I've been with my partner 1.5 years. It might not be much to some, but I loved him deeply and I saw us building a life together. I thought he saw that too.
This morning, I checked the time on his phone and saw a certain notorious dating app out of the corner of my eye. Before opening, I asked him why he had it on his phone - he couldn't answer. So I opened it. I found at least 100 chats to other men, mainly older, with explicit chats and pictures. He said he never met up with any of them, but there was certainly an intent to do so in some of the chats.
I broke up with him on the spot, and now he is chasing me down via all communication platforms. I don't want to speak to him, yet I want an answer. He has told me that he is so sorry and can't believe what a fool he's been, that he wants me back and wants to rebuild the trust we used to have. I don't want any of that, but I can't help but still love him. He was my everything.
What should I do? I feel so lost.
I'm a 27 year old gay male. I've been with my partner 1.5 years. It might not be much to some, but I loved him deeply and I saw us building a life together. I thought he saw that too.
This morning, I checked the time on his phone and saw a certain notorious dating app out of the corner of my eye. Before opening, I asked him why he had it on his phone - he couldn't answer. So I opened it. I found at least 100 chats to other men, mainly older, with explicit chats and pictures. He said he never met up with any of them, but there was certainly an intent to do so in some of the chats.
I broke up with him on the spot, and now he is chasing me down via all communication platforms. I don't want to speak to him, yet I want an answer. He has told me that he is so sorry and can't believe what a fool he's been, that he wants me back and wants to rebuild the trust we used to have. I don't want any of that, but I can't help but still love him. He was my everything.
What should I do? I feel so lost.
You have every right to be furious and to dump his ass, but if you guys both want to stay together I'd suggest trying couples counseling. Couples do sometimes recover from cheating. I don't believe that every cheater is a cheater for life, and it's possible he could make the changes you need to make this relationship last.
It's also possible he's an asshole who doesn't deserve another chance. But only you can make that call.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:40 PM on March 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
It's also possible he's an asshole who doesn't deserve another chance. But only you can make that call.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:40 PM on March 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
I'm so sorry, that sucks.
It's going to hurt for awhile, and you're going to have to accept that you may never get an answer: He may not even know why himself, and even if he does give you an answer, would it be enough? Would you believe it? Would it make you feel better?
You've already decided you don't want him back and that's healthy boundary-setting. As long as that continues to be the case, stick to that and focus on remembering how much better you deserve, and moving on with your life.
And remember that it's OK to miss something you don't want back.
posted by rhiannonstone at 3:43 PM on March 15, 2020 [14 favorites]
It's going to hurt for awhile, and you're going to have to accept that you may never get an answer: He may not even know why himself, and even if he does give you an answer, would it be enough? Would you believe it? Would it make you feel better?
You've already decided you don't want him back and that's healthy boundary-setting. As long as that continues to be the case, stick to that and focus on remembering how much better you deserve, and moving on with your life.
And remember that it's OK to miss something you don't want back.
posted by rhiannonstone at 3:43 PM on March 15, 2020 [14 favorites]
I had been with my (ex) boyfriend for about 2 years when I snooped in his email when he was out of town at a wedding that he insisted I couldn't come to. Of course I shouldn't have snooped. But he had been chatting with his friend about a potential hook-up in the town where the wedding was being held. The aftermath became about my invasion of his privacy and of course he hadn't done anything and how could I think that and etc. We remained together for another 12 years (!!!) because I couldn't stand to be alone. The entire time I was sure he was cheating. He says he didn't and who knows, maybe he didn't. But I never really trusted him again. I just wasn't strong enough to break it off, and damn should I have done so in 2001 and not in 2013.
Anyhow, don't listen to him and don't believe him. He had the app, he was talking to potential partners, even if he didn't ever intend to follow through it's a huge issue that he thought it was okay for him to explore that without your knowledge.
posted by cabingirl at 3:45 PM on March 15, 2020 [10 favorites]
Anyhow, don't listen to him and don't believe him. He had the app, he was talking to potential partners, even if he didn't ever intend to follow through it's a huge issue that he thought it was okay for him to explore that without your knowledge.
posted by cabingirl at 3:45 PM on March 15, 2020 [10 favorites]
I went through a het version of this years ago, right around your age. It sucked, it was the worst time in my life. But yeah, better is out there. Way better.
If you get back with him now, you're teaching him that he can talk his way free of the consequences of shitty bad behavior. I believe you should generally not believe what people say, you should only believe what they do, and for me that makes rebuilding lost trust very difficult.
posted by Sauce Trough at 3:47 PM on March 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
If you get back with him now, you're teaching him that he can talk his way free of the consequences of shitty bad behavior. I believe you should generally not believe what people say, you should only believe what they do, and for me that makes rebuilding lost trust very difficult.
posted by Sauce Trough at 3:47 PM on March 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
It's totally normal to still care about him--it does not mean you should take him back. Couples CAN recover from cheating but building the trust again is HARD and frankly, you're young and should not feel compelled to deal with his bullshit after being together not even two years.
He will not be able to give you a satisfactory answer because there is no satisfactory reason for why people cheat. At this point he is probably going to say anything he thinks will get you to stay. Don't bother listening.
I'm sorry. It hurts so much. Maintain your boundaries and take care of yourself.
posted by Anonymous at 4:22 PM on March 15, 2020
He will not be able to give you a satisfactory answer because there is no satisfactory reason for why people cheat. At this point he is probably going to say anything he thinks will get you to stay. Don't bother listening.
I'm sorry. It hurts so much. Maintain your boundaries and take care of yourself.
posted by Anonymous at 4:22 PM on March 15, 2020
I do believe it is possible to cheat, once, be truly repentent, and build a strong relationship from the lessons learned.
But his infidelity wasn’t a one time thing. It was a pattern of behaviour, repeated, with many other men in a relatively young relationship (you are arguably still in the honeymoon phase where you are both on your best behaviour!). It was hidden from you (he didn’t proactively confess), and his apology is about manipulating you to stay instead of acknowledging that you will be better off with an honest boyfriend. Without trust - and you rightfully will never trust him again, there is no relationship.
posted by saucysault at 7:51 PM on March 15, 2020 [6 favorites]
But his infidelity wasn’t a one time thing. It was a pattern of behaviour, repeated, with many other men in a relatively young relationship (you are arguably still in the honeymoon phase where you are both on your best behaviour!). It was hidden from you (he didn’t proactively confess), and his apology is about manipulating you to stay instead of acknowledging that you will be better off with an honest boyfriend. Without trust - and you rightfully will never trust him again, there is no relationship.
posted by saucysault at 7:51 PM on March 15, 2020 [6 favorites]
If he was your everything, consider believing him when he says he never met up with any of them. Some people enjoy the chase. I'm not saying it's fine if monogamy was your agreed-upon deal, and I'm not saying he was definitely telling you the truth, and I'm also not saying it'll for sure work out, but you dumped him on the spot for having dirty chats on his phone and if you loved him deeply, I can't see why you wouldn't give this some kind of a shot and try to figure out a way through this.
posted by less of course at 8:41 PM on March 15, 2020
posted by less of course at 8:41 PM on March 15, 2020
100 chats is a significant number. It’s a compulsion. It’s not an accident, it’s not a one-off. This is who he is. And who he is is not nearly good enough for you.
You could do couples’ therapy, but why bother? This is HIS problem, not a problem of the relationship.
It’s OK to still love him. You can’t just turn that off. But know that he was unworthy of you, he did not appreciate you, was not forthright in the way that shows love.
Stay away. Your heart will catch up with your brain soon enough. You did the right thing.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:10 PM on March 15, 2020 [5 favorites]
You could do couples’ therapy, but why bother? This is HIS problem, not a problem of the relationship.
It’s OK to still love him. You can’t just turn that off. But know that he was unworthy of you, he did not appreciate you, was not forthright in the way that shows love.
Stay away. Your heart will catch up with your brain soon enough. You did the right thing.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:10 PM on March 15, 2020 [5 favorites]
Have one more conversation if you really want to and then go no contact. It's a cliche but time heals all wounds (if imperfectly) and out of sight is out of mind (also imperfectly, but also quite effective eventually). You deserve better than this.
posted by knownfossils at 11:38 PM on March 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by knownfossils at 11:38 PM on March 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
Did you both explicitly agree to monogamy and a definition of it? Lots of people don't consider explicit chats/ leading people on to be cheating, but rather more like using porn.
posted by metasarah at 6:25 AM on March 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by metasarah at 6:25 AM on March 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry. I know wtf you are going through. If you were having unprotected sex, get a screening done ASAP. Then you need some alone time, then you need to connect with your friends and family. Go to work, go to the gym, but don't go back to that asshole.
posted by james33 at 7:19 AM on March 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by james33 at 7:19 AM on March 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Hiya buddy, I'm sorry you've had this trauma come into your life. For context, I'm just about finished with a divorce after about 12 years with my ex. We *did* build a life together, and I raised his three biological kids as my own that entire time. I didn't find out exactly the way you did, but I found out the same thing(s). A few thoughts for you.
Trust your pain. Probe it, explore it, but the therapeutic sense about these things is that your pain is as bright an indicator as you can get in terms of getting to a deep understanding of your most defining personal values. If this feels like a betrayal to you, then you can do some work to understand in more detail what those values are. Is it honesty, integrity in a partner? Is it being prioritized by a partner? Is it a feeling of safety, security in a partner? There are models out there for how you can use this experience as a tool for self development. When I was struggling, I started seeing a therapist who' an ACT practitioner. He introduced me to this workbook by Dr. Steven Hayes, which I found really helpful (and still use, more than a year later).
Find friends you can talk to about this who won't judge your reasons for making the decision to break up. It's pretty common in gay social circles to minimize cheating, wandering, whatever you want to call it. I really struggled with that. It had me asking myself, for a very long time, why am I so bothered by this? Why can't I just move past it? Everybody seems to think I'm overreacting, so am I overreacting? That kind of extreme self doubt didn't do good things for me. In hindsight, I was bargaining with myself--I was very afraid of losing a relationship with someone I'd married and planned a life with, and my ex was taking advantage of that fear. I felt so torn for so long that I lost like 40 pounds, stopped socializing, got very depressed for the first time in my life. It wasn't until I started opening up about the situation to my closest friends--friends whose values were probably more in line with mine--that I started to see my horror reflected in their eyes. I wasn't going crazy, I was listening to voices that reflected other peoples' values rather than my own.
As you figure out these values, keep them in mind in your next relationship. Talk about them openly. As others have mentioned, consider talking about them when you feel a relationship getting serious. Can you and your partner handle discussions like that? Can you understand where each of you is coming from, can you come to an agreement about what you each consider out of bounds? If so, then you're taking from this experience the real hard-earned knowledge that puts a priority on you being clear about what you need in your life.
You might feel lost for a long time. It's ok. You loved this guy very deeply, and that shows. Your heart might take a long time to catch up with your head.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:22 AM on March 16, 2020 [5 favorites]
Trust your pain. Probe it, explore it, but the therapeutic sense about these things is that your pain is as bright an indicator as you can get in terms of getting to a deep understanding of your most defining personal values. If this feels like a betrayal to you, then you can do some work to understand in more detail what those values are. Is it honesty, integrity in a partner? Is it being prioritized by a partner? Is it a feeling of safety, security in a partner? There are models out there for how you can use this experience as a tool for self development. When I was struggling, I started seeing a therapist who' an ACT practitioner. He introduced me to this workbook by Dr. Steven Hayes, which I found really helpful (and still use, more than a year later).
Find friends you can talk to about this who won't judge your reasons for making the decision to break up. It's pretty common in gay social circles to minimize cheating, wandering, whatever you want to call it. I really struggled with that. It had me asking myself, for a very long time, why am I so bothered by this? Why can't I just move past it? Everybody seems to think I'm overreacting, so am I overreacting? That kind of extreme self doubt didn't do good things for me. In hindsight, I was bargaining with myself--I was very afraid of losing a relationship with someone I'd married and planned a life with, and my ex was taking advantage of that fear. I felt so torn for so long that I lost like 40 pounds, stopped socializing, got very depressed for the first time in my life. It wasn't until I started opening up about the situation to my closest friends--friends whose values were probably more in line with mine--that I started to see my horror reflected in their eyes. I wasn't going crazy, I was listening to voices that reflected other peoples' values rather than my own.
As you figure out these values, keep them in mind in your next relationship. Talk about them openly. As others have mentioned, consider talking about them when you feel a relationship getting serious. Can you and your partner handle discussions like that? Can you understand where each of you is coming from, can you come to an agreement about what you each consider out of bounds? If so, then you're taking from this experience the real hard-earned knowledge that puts a priority on you being clear about what you need in your life.
You might feel lost for a long time. It's ok. You loved this guy very deeply, and that shows. Your heart might take a long time to catch up with your head.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:22 AM on March 16, 2020 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi everyone - thank you so much for the responses, there was something of comfort and wisdom in each and every one.
As an update, I contacted him to say that I would be in touch with him on my own time. Eventually, I did this and he gave me the answers to all questions I had, however...I could not trust any of them. I ended it with him for good. I am heartbroken, as was he, but he should not have done what he did.
Onwards and upwards.
posted by Lewnatic at 2:44 PM on March 18, 2020 [4 favorites]
As an update, I contacted him to say that I would be in touch with him on my own time. Eventually, I did this and he gave me the answers to all questions I had, however...I could not trust any of them. I ended it with him for good. I am heartbroken, as was he, but he should not have done what he did.
Onwards and upwards.
posted by Lewnatic at 2:44 PM on March 18, 2020 [4 favorites]
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You are so young. I know you don't feel that to be true - when I was your age going through a difficult life situation older people told me that and I did not believe it - but now that I am on the other side, it is so true. You can do, and deserve, better. And more importantly, BETTER IS OUT THERE! It truly is. Do not settle for this guy's crumbs. Once a cheater always a cheater. I know some will disagree, but to me, looking is cheating, period.
As for getting over it...Think of all the negative things in your relationship (his unloyalty obviously being one) and bring those up in your mind every time you imagine his face.
posted by WinterSolstice at 3:34 PM on March 15, 2020 [7 favorites]