taking up space

March 13, 2020 10:02 AM

I have a lot of issues around taking up space - either physically, or space in terms of other people's consciousness or attention. I feel like I am always making myself smaller or apologising or berating myself for needing attention etc. What is a healthy way of approaching the matter of taking up space in the world? [POC-filter]

I don't really know how to expand upon this, but I notice a difference between myself and other people when it comes to the matter of confidently occupying space without guilt. I am a woman, I work with other women my age who stride around the office saying stuff that is not interesting to everyone at the top of their voice and no one minds. I cannot imagine so confidently striding around. Maybe it is because I am overweight and a woman of colour. I don't know. I do not feel able to talk loudly, or laugh loudly, or be open about my emotions. I don't feel able to be loose and open with my body or even with my voice. I recently suffered a romantic disappointment and it felt like such a struggle to make even the slightest demands on his attention without feeling like a dickhead or like I deserved to get rejected. I feel guilty about offloading about my emotions to friends. I feel like I am holding in a lot, a lot of the time; but not enough for some people.

The thing is, even though I try not to take up space, I seem to take up a lot, and people don't like it. I'm fat and people don't like that. I am quite extroverted, I like people, I'm not a quiet person. My (white) boss has berated me for being (in his words) 'frivolous'. I posted another question some time ago about how people think I am flirty when I am not intentionally flirting. I have been berated for being 'loud' or having a 'loud voice' or 'loud laugh'; a (white) guy once shushed me mid-conversation and I never forgot how that made me feel. I also feel like I've received negative feedback from family for having emotions - as though the very act of having emotions makes one dramatic.

I want to feel a bit more like I am entitled to some space, like I'm supposed to be here, but do it with grace and not be obnoxious about it. Have any of you felt the same and what advice would you have for me to overcome these feelings?

posted by unicorn chaser to Religion & Philosophy (5 answers total)

There is no easy answer to your question. Brown-skinned Latino gay cis guy here. I have worked in many corporate environments and it can be difficult to describe how quickly people who don't look like you can make a lot of mini-assumptions about your work ethic, your personal life and office voice and clothing styles. Over the years, I have learned to tell myself every day that I am talented, skilled and belong there till it becomes a bedrock assumption of how I conduct my work life. I now wear clothes I actually like to the office (but still following workplace guidelines) so I wear pink and purple chinos with with bright, large floral print shirts and flashy shoes. At work, I stick out like a palm tree in Nebraska but instead of lingering on the difference — I linger on the pride of being a palm tree, that metaphorically speaking, can flourish in Nebraska. Corporate whiteness takes many forms. I have found the sales/marketing/public relations to be the most untenable for me — where your very voice, clothing and personal mannerisms are evaluated as a workplace competency, judged by people who have little to no experience with other cultures. I have gravitated to working with tech/medical/engineer types where slightly more eccentricity is accepted and there's a lot more focus on your core work performance, rather than your appearance. Also, a few times a month, I visit a daytime weekend dance party in my area, where there are many other POC and queer/gender-fluid people. Finding an outlet where you get to be unapologetically you for a few hours can carry over into the rest of the work week as an inner reserve of strength.
posted by caveatz at 10:47 AM on March 13, 2020 [8 favorites]

(Spitballing/riffing off caveatz) Maybe dance classes, or some other physical movement thing like tai-chi if it turns out to be fun? Cause with dance, you're supposed to be moving around, and taking up space, with some element of grace.
posted by sebastienbailard at 1:10 PM on March 13, 2020

I don't know if this will be helpful for you the way it was for me, but - the standard you are measuring yourself against is silence, and not whether other people are being loud, open, etc.

I think movement classes might be good, and also consider an acting class?

Also, your boss is a jerk.
posted by bile and syntax at 1:43 PM on March 13, 2020 [3 favorites]

I relate a lot to your question, though I am white so of course there’s a piece I cannot understand. Have you read anything by Sonya Renee Taylor? She wrote a book based on a poem she wrote called The Body is Not An Apology, the poem itself is beautiful and the book is wonderful, too.

I’m a fat woman who has often been told she is too much. I’m literally wearing a shirt right now that says “Take Up Space” that I’m too worried to wear in public unless I’m in a space I know is designed to be fat positive. Those spaces have been integral into allowing me to heal and to feel more comfortable in my skin. Unfortunately many of them are spaces where white women dominate the conversation in harmful ways, so I don’t want to pretend that they will be as healing for folks who are marginalized for more than the size of their body as they have been for me. But starting with Sonya Renee Taylor’s work and reading more about the fat liberation and health at every size movement might help you build up resilience against a world that punishes you for taking up space.

I think taking a look at the ways that our current beauty standards uphold white supremacy (including how we treat people in larger bodies) and have very little to do with health can be depressing but also can bolster you against all the bullshit people like your boss will throw at you. I’m sorry people are, in general, really invested in being incredible cruel to people (especially women) who they don’t think should be allowed to take up space. There’s really no way to change them on my own, and the only way I know to reduce the harm they do is to read, go to events, and be in community with people who are working against hugely successful industries that have convinced everyone that women should be small and quiet and always apologizing.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 11:35 PM on March 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

Collect role models: Befriend other people who are demographically more like you. Other overweight people. Other POC.

Reprogram your idea of who deserves to take up space. You can do it virtually- fill your social media with accounts of outspoken BIPOC and body positive women. Read their articles and novels.

Here are a few to start:
Ericka Hart, Roxane Gay, MiaMonchichi, Ijeoma Oluo, Danielle Perez (comedian), Nicole Byers, Gina Yashere, Luvvie Ajayi, Chrissy Tiegen, Danielle Young, Franchesca Ramsay, Issa Rae, Lexi Alexander, Lindy West, Rebekah Taussig, Julia Dayo, Vivek Shraya, Tracey Clayton, Heben Nigatu, Samantha Irby...

Each time you find a person who inspires you, browse the list of who they choose to follow (and note the people who they link to) to find even more.

You can train yourself! racialized people and women and and fat people (I am using the word fat politically, because to me overweight suggests that the standard is legitimate - But over “what” weight?), and queer, trans, gender nonconforming people, disabled people, people with mental health and addiction stories, sex workers.... all the people our society explicitly and implicitly tells us we should ignore?

Actively reprogram yourself by NOT ignoring them.

See their value, and it will help you claim your own.

Good luck!! It’s life changing!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 3:01 PM on March 14, 2020 [1 favorite]