Seeking parent resources for childhood anxiety
February 28, 2020 12:12 PM Subscribe
My 7 year old son is struggling with anxiety about school. Looking for personal recommendations for books or other resources for parents of anxious kids.
Son has been diagnosed with moderate developmental coordination disorder. His reading, math, sciences, etc. are all at grade-level and progressing normally. He's in French immersion and his comprehension and spoken French are both exceeding expectations for grade-level. So that's all good. However, one of the symptoms of his DCD is extremely slow and disorganized printing. Because of this, he's often falls behind the rest of his class when they're doing activities that require printing. Which, in grade 2, is a lot.
Early in the school year his teacher and I agreed that instead of having him continue to work on an activity after the rest of the class had moved on, he could finish it at home after school. This way he doesn't get singled out, but does have to complete the same amount of work. We were all happy with this arrangement and it worked well. (He doesn't have an IEP. That may change next, but not this school year.)
After winter break, son started complaining of headaches and various physical ailments on weekday mornings, clearly trying to avoid going to school. After a lot of prodding, he told me that one of the education assistants in his class was setting a timer for him and telling him that he had to finish his printing activities before the alarm went off. This didn't result in faster printing, but did trigger an incredibly stressed kid with an aversion to printing. I spoke to his teacher about it and found out she wasn't aware that the EA was using a timer and she agreed that it was counter-productive. She told the EA to stop using the timer, and he did. Unfortunately, the EA now just yells 'go! go!' at my son instead.
Nearly every morning there are tears and begging not to go to school. He tells me that he's not good at anything, he's avoiding doing his homework, he says the other kids are smarter than him. It's breaking my heart to see my bright, outgoing kid's confidence and enthusiasm being replaced with anxiety and fear. I'm not at all blaming all of this on the EA, that's just an example of the kind of thing that triggers anxiety for him.
We have an appointment with our developmental paediatrician at the end of March and I'll talk to her about all of this and ask for her recommendations. We're also going to start the process of getting a psychoeducational assessment (paed suspects ADHD in addition to the DCD - I have life-long ADHD and I'll be 0% surprised if that's the result). In the meantime, does anyone have personal experience with similar behaviours and if so, do you have any parent resources to recommend? I've got some books on hold at the library, but I'd love it if anyone had specific recommendations.
Son has been diagnosed with moderate developmental coordination disorder. His reading, math, sciences, etc. are all at grade-level and progressing normally. He's in French immersion and his comprehension and spoken French are both exceeding expectations for grade-level. So that's all good. However, one of the symptoms of his DCD is extremely slow and disorganized printing. Because of this, he's often falls behind the rest of his class when they're doing activities that require printing. Which, in grade 2, is a lot.
Early in the school year his teacher and I agreed that instead of having him continue to work on an activity after the rest of the class had moved on, he could finish it at home after school. This way he doesn't get singled out, but does have to complete the same amount of work. We were all happy with this arrangement and it worked well. (He doesn't have an IEP. That may change next, but not this school year.)
After winter break, son started complaining of headaches and various physical ailments on weekday mornings, clearly trying to avoid going to school. After a lot of prodding, he told me that one of the education assistants in his class was setting a timer for him and telling him that he had to finish his printing activities before the alarm went off. This didn't result in faster printing, but did trigger an incredibly stressed kid with an aversion to printing. I spoke to his teacher about it and found out she wasn't aware that the EA was using a timer and she agreed that it was counter-productive. She told the EA to stop using the timer, and he did. Unfortunately, the EA now just yells 'go! go!' at my son instead.
Nearly every morning there are tears and begging not to go to school. He tells me that he's not good at anything, he's avoiding doing his homework, he says the other kids are smarter than him. It's breaking my heart to see my bright, outgoing kid's confidence and enthusiasm being replaced with anxiety and fear. I'm not at all blaming all of this on the EA, that's just an example of the kind of thing that triggers anxiety for him.
We have an appointment with our developmental paediatrician at the end of March and I'll talk to her about all of this and ask for her recommendations. We're also going to start the process of getting a psychoeducational assessment (paed suspects ADHD in addition to the DCD - I have life-long ADHD and I'll be 0% surprised if that's the result). In the meantime, does anyone have personal experience with similar behaviours and if so, do you have any parent resources to recommend? I've got some books on hold at the library, but I'd love it if anyone had specific recommendations.
Printing is important etc. etc. but can he type? Could he have a modification to do the majority of his class work on a laptop and practice printing at other times and/or at home, in a low pressure environment?
posted by charmcityblues at 1:51 PM on February 28, 2020
posted by charmcityblues at 1:51 PM on February 28, 2020
Murder the EA. I had a school avoidant kid 6-7 years, we ended up switching schools this year and it’s been night and day - her grades improved and she goes to school on her own now without tears or complaints. Only missed days are illness.
If you have to stay at this school start pushing for an IEP now. Paperwork counts with shitty Teachers. Ask to change classes away from that EA who is dreadful. Or that they transfer classes. It’s straight up bullying by an adult of a learning disabled child and they need to not be involved so your kid feels confident about school.
My kid has trouble writing for fatigue also. The agreement now is that teachers ignore her messy handwriting and she is mostly not penalised for spelling errors. She brings work home to complete also. We have discussed letting her type longer pieces (an actual typewriter is not that expensive for home use) in later grades.
On days he does skip school, get him to do additional work at home sitting at a table so he doesn’t see school missed days as holiday but alternate homeschool days.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:37 PM on February 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
If you have to stay at this school start pushing for an IEP now. Paperwork counts with shitty Teachers. Ask to change classes away from that EA who is dreadful. Or that they transfer classes. It’s straight up bullying by an adult of a learning disabled child and they need to not be involved so your kid feels confident about school.
My kid has trouble writing for fatigue also. The agreement now is that teachers ignore her messy handwriting and she is mostly not penalised for spelling errors. She brings work home to complete also. We have discussed letting her type longer pieces (an actual typewriter is not that expensive for home use) in later grades.
On days he does skip school, get him to do additional work at home sitting at a table so he doesn’t see school missed days as holiday but alternate homeschool days.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:37 PM on February 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
Also check if the teacher discusses kids’ marks. One anxiety trigger was the teacher announcing kid X did very well, kid Y did second best and that 2 kids failed - and my kid knowing she was the one unnamed failure there. Classmates were allowed to compare marks openly. It was horrible because my kid was identified as the class failure. In the new school, only a general pass rate is announced and kids are discouraged from comparing. Another kid is struggling and so does none of the extra work in class or homework and the teacher has explained this appropriately to the class and intervenes for teasing.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:42 PM on February 28, 2020
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:42 PM on February 28, 2020
My son has dysgraphia, which made it very difficult for him to write. He had a lot to say, but he couldn't get it down on paper. His school did not deal with this very well for many years. That made school much worse for him than it should have been.
Pressuring kids to write more quickly, depriving them of other activities, or telling them they have to finish it later if they can't finish it now are all strategies that don't address the fact of the problem or create a fair an equal environment for the child. It is important to learn how to handwrite, but it is more important to have access to a full education. You should consider advocating for your son being able to keyboard rather than handwrite when time is an issue.
(To give you a sense of what it was like for us: in our school kids are supposed to read a book each day, or have a book read to them. They keep a reading log at home, and their homework is to write down the name of the book and the author each night. Our son always looked for books whose title plus author had the fewest number of letters. He didn't care what the book was about so much. He just wanted to not have to write any more words than he had to.)
Now, to answer your question, my go-to website for childhood mental health is childmind.org. They cover a wide range of subjects, they take a balanced approach and focus on evidence-based strategies. Their articles appear to be well-researched and well written.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 6:43 PM on February 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
Pressuring kids to write more quickly, depriving them of other activities, or telling them they have to finish it later if they can't finish it now are all strategies that don't address the fact of the problem or create a fair an equal environment for the child. It is important to learn how to handwrite, but it is more important to have access to a full education. You should consider advocating for your son being able to keyboard rather than handwrite when time is an issue.
(To give you a sense of what it was like for us: in our school kids are supposed to read a book each day, or have a book read to them. They keep a reading log at home, and their homework is to write down the name of the book and the author each night. Our son always looked for books whose title plus author had the fewest number of letters. He didn't care what the book was about so much. He just wanted to not have to write any more words than he had to.)
Now, to answer your question, my go-to website for childhood mental health is childmind.org. They cover a wide range of subjects, they take a balanced approach and focus on evidence-based strategies. Their articles appear to be well-researched and well written.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 6:43 PM on February 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
(Kid therapist here.) There are some great videos for children with anxiety on the Go Zen youtube channel. Understood.org has excellent ideas and info on all manner of learning disorders, including lists of possible accommodations, and it is full of very solid information.
I do agree though that the EA has got to go. This is incredibly inappropriate behavior on their part and to be honest if I was your child's therapist, I would be calling the principal to throw my weight around so that person never interacted with your child again. If a parent's complaint is not sufficiently addressed by the school, I will often call and be a bit strident.
Feel free to memail me if you have other questions or want some more resources.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 6:46 PM on February 28, 2020
I do agree though that the EA has got to go. This is incredibly inappropriate behavior on their part and to be honest if I was your child's therapist, I would be calling the principal to throw my weight around so that person never interacted with your child again. If a parent's complaint is not sufficiently addressed by the school, I will often call and be a bit strident.
Feel free to memail me if you have other questions or want some more resources.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 6:46 PM on February 28, 2020
I'm not at all blaming all of this on the EA
Why not? Someone is being shitty to your kid and your response is to ask for books to read about his anxiety?
I know it sucks to meet with teachers and hold the school accountable for this kind of thing, but it’s not fair to your child to avoid doing so given what is happening here.
posted by jeoc at 6:59 AM on February 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
Why not? Someone is being shitty to your kid and your response is to ask for books to read about his anxiety?
I know it sucks to meet with teachers and hold the school accountable for this kind of thing, but it’s not fair to your child to avoid doing so given what is happening here.
posted by jeoc at 6:59 AM on February 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
Also, you need to get him on a 504 plan. He has a qualifying disability and he needs accommodations for writing, which the 504 will provide. Call the school's 504 coordinator (usually the principal) and get the ball rolling on that.
He may not need an IEP but he definitely needs a 504.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:56 PM on February 29, 2020
He may not need an IEP but he definitely needs a 504.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:56 PM on February 29, 2020
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He's been coming to school every day since I made that decision.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 1:23 PM on February 28, 2020 [17 favorites]