But that’s the opposite of what you said you wanted – changed mind

February 26, 2020 1:33 PM

A close friend of mine I’ll call Jane was told in the fall of 2019, that come fall 2020 they would be transferred to another office (similar commute). This was upsetting for Jane. They like their office, like the people, the neighborhood etc. This impending move was a big deal for Jane and a near constant topic of conversation for us. I listened to Jane vent, commiserated, validated their feelings of how unfair this was for them, on days when they were feeling up to it we discussed the silver linings of the move. I became firmly entrenched on team ‘this sucks, I’m sorry this is happening to you’.

Then, a few days ago, a miracle! Though a twist of fate (not their boss taking action, or them lobbying successfully to stay or anything like that) it turns out that they can stay where they are. Everything else, other colleagues, their job etc. will stay the same as it now. Or, since the wheels were partly in motion, they could make the choice to transfer. It’s their call, and they have some time to decide. Jane hasn’t fully committed, but told me that they are will likely take the transfer.

My response was “what the heck?!”, and now I’m weirdly grumpy about this 180. They got what they told me they wanted, the chance to stay.

I have no skin in this game. This decision doesn’t actually impact my life, but I’ve just spent so much time in a ‘this move is terrible’ head space, I’m oddly thrown by them changing their mind. You aren’t me, but maybe you’ve been in a similar place, supporting a friend. What did you do, or what do you suggest I do to shake off this feeling, so I can be happy for their decision, whatever it might be.

posted by walkinginsunshine to Human Relations (14 answers total)

If it's possible for you to do so without expressing annoyance, why not just ask them? "So you're still considering taking the transfer even though it's now optional? What changed your mind?" But like... as a topic of friendly conversation, not as a referendum on previous conversations or something.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:41 PM on February 26, 2020 [6 favorites]

Best answer: Is it possible that Jane was more upset about her lack of agency & choice than about the actual move?

For example, it feels different to be told "You must work mandatory overtime this weekend to keep your job" versus having the option and choosing to work overtime to get paid extra.

The same situation can feel okay when chosen, and unfair when forced.
posted by cheesecake at 1:44 PM on February 26, 2020 [49 favorites]

I listened to Jane vent, commiserated, validated their feelings of how unfair this was for them, on days when they were feeling up to it we discussed the silver linings of the move. I became firmly entrenched on team ‘this sucks, I’m sorry this is happening to you’.

It sounds like you were supporting Jane through the mental process of getting from "this sucks, I like this location" to "I'm heading to the new location and there are silver linings."

I'd agree that the lack of agency might have been Jane's underlying issue, but even if it wasn't, they've spent all this time investing in the move and now that the option is on the table, it's become "stick with the location where I've vented about the move, and will now awkwardly not move after all" versus "take the move, which I've already mentally processed."

There's a payoff for you, too -- you spent all that time helping Jane mentally navigate the transition, and now it's happening.
posted by mikeh at 1:54 PM on February 26, 2020 [10 favorites]

I feel you. I do! I listened to Jane vent, commiserated, validated their feelings of how unfair this was for them - she made you do all this sympathy work, and now it feels like you'd helped her cook a dinner at her request that she threw in the trash instead of eating.

But try to see it the way mikeh suggests. You were a great friend. You did the work of helping her feel supported and listened to when that was what the situation required. That was very kind. Now conditions have changed, and being a supportive friend no longer involves being sympathetic about the moving situation. But you're still a great friend for having done it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:05 PM on February 26, 2020 [3 favorites]

You helped Jane come to terms with the move. And now that she’s come to terms with it, she thinks maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.

I think you’ve got to just remind yourself that this is Jane’s decision to make. Only hers. It can feel weird being reminded of your own powerlessness, but...this is just what friendship looks like! And you’ve been a good friend.
posted by rue72 at 2:09 PM on February 26, 2020 [6 favorites]

When somebody comes to you with something that's important to them they have to sell you on why it's important and Jane did an amazing sell job on you here. You're fully invested in this because you care about your friend a lot and if something is bothering her then it's bothering you too. That's a great way to be. On the flip side, if something is no longer bothering her then you have to stop letting it bother you, or you'll just be bothered for no reason. It's harder to make this switch after the fact if you didn't set yourself up this way before you started caring. But now you'll know for next time. This type of caring about something on someone else's behalf has to be on a paper plate and not the heirloom china.
posted by bleep at 2:24 PM on February 26, 2020 [1 favorite]

Also, I was recently talking to my mom about something just like this, my boss was threatening to take away everyone's work from home privileges and I was stressed about it, but then it never came to pass; in fact people are now being encouraged to work from home. She mentioned that my brother tells her about stuff like this at his job all the time - the boss comes up with some new bullshit, stresses everyone out, and then forgets about it. That gave me some incredibly valuable perspective, that this kind of thing is just something bosses do. Maybe this is something you and Jane can remember next time, that spending that much time obsessing about these things doesn't really help us cope. Some degree of que sera sera, when phrased in a kind and supportive way, can be something that we need to hear from the folks we go to for support.
posted by bleep at 2:30 PM on February 26, 2020 [2 favorites]

Some people are happiest when they are complaining.
posted by heatherlogan at 2:42 PM on February 26, 2020 [14 favorites]

People's desires, and hence, decisions, are in the end incommunicable and opaque. And possibly private.

I've had people annoyed at me for changing my mind about things that have no impact on their lives (except for what we have conversations about). They are usually mean about it (I'm not saying you are!). I can't understand that. I think it might be a boundary issue. I avoid those people because they seem to want parts of me that don't belong to them. (Again, not saying that's you!). Not sure if this is helpful, it's just that your question reminded me of being on the opposite end of this situation.
posted by kitcat at 3:01 PM on February 26, 2020 [3 favorites]

Best answer: You know how sometimes a friend vents and vents about their partner, and you end up getting super irritated at their partner, too? But then your friend stays with their partner? And you get sorta irritated about that, maybe? Because how could they stay with someone so terrible?

Jane might even be a bit embarrassed because of all the venting she did. You were only hearing the bad stuff because she was venting. You weren't hearing the upsides. But she gets to make this decision (of course!).

I wonder if part of this is feeling like you were on her side against a bad guy, and now you feel confused because she's not taking the choice that seems so obviously better. And maybe it feels weird because you were overly invested. And maybe you feel like you should have drawn firmer boundaries with all her venting?
posted by bluedaisy at 3:17 PM on February 26, 2020 [11 favorites]

hmmm.. i don't know, but I think I've been you in situations such as this, and it can be aggravating. I just try to get less invested the next time some "catastrophe" rolls around. I don't know how well you know jane, so .. who can say if this is a recurring thing with jane... and if it's not, then disregard the "less invested" advice, but if it is, if it starts to seem like a pattern.. I think the trick is to listen and commiserate while spending somewhere in the range of a bit less to no emotional energy. Humans.. humans. what are we going to do with us?
posted by elgee at 3:53 PM on February 26, 2020 [3 favorites]

Are we sure this is 100% a choice Jane gets to make, and was not presented to her as, "well, you could stay here, but if you want to advance, you have to move"?
posted by LoonyLovegood at 6:21 PM on February 26, 2020

I hear you, and honestly contrary to many responses, Jane's predicament and decision aren't the only matter here. Yes Jane had a difficult issue in her life, but you as an emotional being are also part of the equation. This is like when the sick get treated and the caregivers are ancillary to the whole exercise, while they may not be ill they get tired too, and the emotional exhaustion of prioritizing the person in need can wear one down. Let's forget for a moment that Jane changed her mind, which is her prerogative, she also led you down a path of believing something that she changed her position on. That you feel slightly betrayed is not unusual, and it's real.
I would say though, echoing some good advice above, draw boundaries next time. People, given their own self regulation or lack there of, will have different reactions and coping abilities. In the cases where they go to pieces over what is a challenge (in Jane's case) but not the most extreme kind, it might be good to make a distinction between emotional support and emotional indulgence.
You were being a caring friend, given the time and effort you spent supporting her one way, she might have the self awareness to tell you, in conversation, why she changed her mind. Unless she has been coerced.

showbiz liz has a good suggestion, ask her, neutrally, what caused her decision. She doesn't owe you an unchanged mind, but seeing as she got strong support from you for what she prefffered, and then ultimately choose the opposite, it's not unreasonable to expect that she might explain her decision.
posted by whatdoyouthink? at 10:12 PM on February 26, 2020 [3 favorites]

Jane also might be doing the whole "sunk cost" thing. She's put months of suffering, reasoning, planning, and coping into this transition, and now she might feel obligated to go through with it because of all the mental work she has done up to this point
posted by FirstMateKate at 7:55 AM on February 28, 2020 [1 favorite]