Need best education options for my autistic kiddo, within my capability.
February 19, 2020 2:35 PM Subscribe
My 13-year-old is not doing well in a public school environment, despite fantastic support via an IEP. We have recently learned they are autistic and non-binary. Most of their stressors seem to be social. At this point, I am considering alternatives, but I have my own personal limits that make me worry that any home schooling sort of setup will be a magnificent fail. Please help me learn what some good alternative options might be, and how I can find support for both of us.
I'm a good mom, but I struggle with my own mental health issues. I have already been feeling overwhelmed with dealing with school stuff and being a caregiver to two family members, so I fall flat in other areas, e.g. prepping healthy snacks, helping them with better structure, having them be responsible for cleaning their room, consistent family activities, etc. I am just tired; we are both tired. I want to be Supermom, but I can't. Mostly, I don't want to fuck this up for them. I want so badly to do right by my child.
I am 99% certain I can't hack home schooling, especially if I am taking care of two people. I don't know how different online schooling would be to that. There don't seem to be accommodations if we were to go that direction, and I worry about accreditation. We would lose services, but I could find a way bring some of them in from outside. We would be losing the support from the special ed teams, which has been a huge help and education for both of us; I'm not an expert. My kid would hate to miss out on their fun geeky club and art class, and they worry they will lose their friends.
I get the message from all corners that a kid needs to learn how to deal with this sort of environment and socialize "properly" to go on to hold down a job and function in a work environment, but it's clear that this environment is actively doing my child harm and setting them up for failure and increased mental health struggles down the line. My priority is their well-being, and they are not well there. I want them to flourish. When they were away from school for an extended period, their mental health improved dramatically. Home is their safe space.
My kid needs low level support. Their annual IEP review is coming up in a couple of days. We're looking at the possibility of home hospital for the rest of the year, on the recommendation of the school psychologist. They are in their last year of middle school, so really, we're looking at high school options.
Probably relevant: I find it incredibly stressful to have other people in our home. I am in therapy with a very good therapist and gaining ground overall, but my deep introversion is not going to change.
I guess some specific questions floating around my head are: are these my only options? Reviews and ratings trend low for online schools; how can I find something reputable and good if we go that direction? Are there specific avenues/schools you can recommend? What are your experiences? What else do I need to consider? How could I rope in support? What advice do you have for me about this?
We are based in north San Diego county, U.S.
If I'm Doing It Wrong, please be kind. Sorry for the rambling jumble.
I'm a good mom, but I struggle with my own mental health issues. I have already been feeling overwhelmed with dealing with school stuff and being a caregiver to two family members, so I fall flat in other areas, e.g. prepping healthy snacks, helping them with better structure, having them be responsible for cleaning their room, consistent family activities, etc. I am just tired; we are both tired. I want to be Supermom, but I can't. Mostly, I don't want to fuck this up for them. I want so badly to do right by my child.
I am 99% certain I can't hack home schooling, especially if I am taking care of two people. I don't know how different online schooling would be to that. There don't seem to be accommodations if we were to go that direction, and I worry about accreditation. We would lose services, but I could find a way bring some of them in from outside. We would be losing the support from the special ed teams, which has been a huge help and education for both of us; I'm not an expert. My kid would hate to miss out on their fun geeky club and art class, and they worry they will lose their friends.
I get the message from all corners that a kid needs to learn how to deal with this sort of environment and socialize "properly" to go on to hold down a job and function in a work environment, but it's clear that this environment is actively doing my child harm and setting them up for failure and increased mental health struggles down the line. My priority is their well-being, and they are not well there. I want them to flourish. When they were away from school for an extended period, their mental health improved dramatically. Home is their safe space.
My kid needs low level support. Their annual IEP review is coming up in a couple of days. We're looking at the possibility of home hospital for the rest of the year, on the recommendation of the school psychologist. They are in their last year of middle school, so really, we're looking at high school options.
Probably relevant: I find it incredibly stressful to have other people in our home. I am in therapy with a very good therapist and gaining ground overall, but my deep introversion is not going to change.
I guess some specific questions floating around my head are: are these my only options? Reviews and ratings trend low for online schools; how can I find something reputable and good if we go that direction? Are there specific avenues/schools you can recommend? What are your experiences? What else do I need to consider? How could I rope in support? What advice do you have for me about this?
We are based in north San Diego county, U.S.
If I'm Doing It Wrong, please be kind. Sorry for the rambling jumble.
You can withdraw for a year. They can go back and repeat a grade. Do a year of undemanding homeschool or even unschooling And cover the same grade material they are doing now so their academic progress is basically treading water. Then instead focus on social skills only at their pace. Enrol then in homeschool co-op programmes, small group activities and as many outdoor things as you can. I did this for two kids having tough school years and the academic stuff caught up (we aren’t allowed to repeat grades here unfortunately) eventually but the mental health stuff was much better.
At 13, it doesn’t matter if they graduate at 17, 18 or 19. A year of hiking, library visits, science club, volunteering locally - whatever lets them practice friendship and social skills, will do them way more in the long run.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:43 PM on February 19, 2020 [12 favorites]
At 13, it doesn’t matter if they graduate at 17, 18 or 19. A year of hiking, library visits, science club, volunteering locally - whatever lets them practice friendship and social skills, will do them way more in the long run.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:43 PM on February 19, 2020 [12 favorites]
I’ve read some US homeschoolers who got permission for their kid to attend activities at the state school while doing classes at home. They might be able to going to the arts and science clubs during their year off.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:45 PM on February 19, 2020
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:45 PM on February 19, 2020
Also, a friend of mine homeschools her daughter and she (the daughter) attends a tiny, accredited school one day per week that allows her to take a couple classes my friend doesn't feel comfortable teaching, gives her opportunities to make friends and try out extra-curricular activities, and gives my friend a break from being the teacher. Maybe that's an option where you live.
posted by cooker girl at 2:50 PM on February 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by cooker girl at 2:50 PM on February 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
This question hits pretty close to home, although not geographically. I'm so sorry, this sounds insanely stressful for everyone!
You probably know that the school district is legally required to educate your child (Free and Appropriate Public Education etc), but might not know that if the school itself is unable to educate your kid, the district has to find another placement. How "unable to educate" is determined ...is highly relevant but is also a topic for another day, because I don't know and I wish I did, but I am certain there are schools where the school district places kids who need more help than the "regular" school can provide. They may not be listed as public schools, but may be run by private-ish agencies. Here's an example from my neck of the woods. There may be other options as well; my son's therapist runs an alternative school which is actually considered a form of homeschooling by the district. I lose track of where the money is probably going at this point!
(Bona fides: I have a kid in a US public school district, who has an IEP and is not doing well in his current general ed school, despite the IEP. )
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:53 PM on February 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
You probably know that the school district is legally required to educate your child (Free and Appropriate Public Education etc), but might not know that if the school itself is unable to educate your kid, the district has to find another placement. How "unable to educate" is determined ...is highly relevant but is also a topic for another day, because I don't know and I wish I did, but I am certain there are schools where the school district places kids who need more help than the "regular" school can provide. They may not be listed as public schools, but may be run by private-ish agencies. Here's an example from my neck of the woods. There may be other options as well; my son's therapist runs an alternative school which is actually considered a form of homeschooling by the district. I lose track of where the money is probably going at this point!
(Bona fides: I have a kid in a US public school district, who has an IEP and is not doing well in his current general ed school, despite the IEP. )
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:53 PM on February 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
Fusion Academy is basically "home school for kids with parents who can't do home schooling". I know one kid who goes to one due to a combination of mental health needs and just general problems with traditional schooling; I've got a colleague who teaches at a different location and loves it. There are opportunities for clubs and socialization.
I have no idea about the San Diego campus specifically, or about autistic kids, but it is a possibility to look into.
posted by damayanti at 3:09 PM on February 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
I have no idea about the San Diego campus specifically, or about autistic kids, but it is a possibility to look into.
posted by damayanti at 3:09 PM on February 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Answering some questions:
Yes, my kiddo is in weekly therapy with a trans-friendly therapist, and has also been checking in regularly with the school psychologist.
There are two public high school options. One is a typical high school, great special ed, huge, probable cliquishness. The other is smaller, much more academically challenging, and said to be super inclusive. It has a career pathway that my teen was excited about. I'm not sure about magnet school options; I would have to look further abroad for that. High Tech High here goes by a lottery system with a huge wait list, but I don't think it would be a better choice for them at this point, even if we could get in. My kid is super into art and science, but is not very academically motivated.
Social stressors: my kid is constantly feeling misread, judged, and awkward. They have overheard kids say "[kid] is weird," and give them a wide berth. They feel like kids think it is unfair when they see my teen get certain accommodations. I suspect they are being misgendered regularly. There is one "friend" who has been a problem for them in terms of his own emotion regulation, and being domineering and dismissive. The school has collaborated with me in taking steps to separate them.My kiddo's evaluating psychologist recommended something akin to the UCLA's PEERS program .
posted by Eolienne at 3:11 PM on February 19, 2020
Yes, my kiddo is in weekly therapy with a trans-friendly therapist, and has also been checking in regularly with the school psychologist.
There are two public high school options. One is a typical high school, great special ed, huge, probable cliquishness. The other is smaller, much more academically challenging, and said to be super inclusive. It has a career pathway that my teen was excited about. I'm not sure about magnet school options; I would have to look further abroad for that. High Tech High here goes by a lottery system with a huge wait list, but I don't think it would be a better choice for them at this point, even if we could get in. My kid is super into art and science, but is not very academically motivated.
Social stressors: my kid is constantly feeling misread, judged, and awkward. They have overheard kids say "[kid] is weird," and give them a wide berth. They feel like kids think it is unfair when they see my teen get certain accommodations. I suspect they are being misgendered regularly. There is one "friend" who has been a problem for them in terms of his own emotion regulation, and being domineering and dismissive. The school has collaborated with me in taking steps to separate them.My kiddo's evaluating psychologist recommended something akin to the UCLA's PEERS program .
posted by Eolienne at 3:11 PM on February 19, 2020
I worked as a special ed teacher for a few years at a special education high school in Massachusetts. Your school district may be willing to pay for a private non-profit special education school. I just googled "special education schools San Diego" and found some options. Here's one of them. I know absolutely nothing about any of them.
When you go to the IEP meeting ask if the district is willing to pay for some such school.
This is a public online school in California. Online school would be really tricky, in my opinion, if your child would be home alone most days.
posted by mareli at 3:46 PM on February 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
When you go to the IEP meeting ask if the district is willing to pay for some such school.
This is a public online school in California. Online school would be really tricky, in my opinion, if your child would be home alone most days.
posted by mareli at 3:46 PM on February 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
FYI, since there will be a new school next year, that might end up feeling soooo much better for them. The experience of my kid and many others was that middle school was the absolute worst socially, while high school is way less intense in that respect. Even though in my kids' case, it's the same exact cohort of kids.
Also, there was a period when my kid was in fifth grade when school was pretty unpleasant for him, and I thought hard about pulling him out. I decided not to because it would've made my life pretty terrible, and that was going to be pretty crappy for the whole family. Leaving him in school was not ideal for him, but I had a number of other people to consider, and it really was better on the whole for him to suffer through it than for everyone else to suffer in different ways. Obviously our calculation would have changed if I thought there was going to be real long-term harm, and we did everything possible to mitigate the issues at school, but want to point out that just because a situation is less than great for your kid doesn't necessarily mean you have to do something that will seriously mess up your life. (Also not implying that this is NOT an urgent situation for your kid, but giving you permission to consider your own needs too.)
posted by metasarah at 4:07 PM on February 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
Also, there was a period when my kid was in fifth grade when school was pretty unpleasant for him, and I thought hard about pulling him out. I decided not to because it would've made my life pretty terrible, and that was going to be pretty crappy for the whole family. Leaving him in school was not ideal for him, but I had a number of other people to consider, and it really was better on the whole for him to suffer through it than for everyone else to suffer in different ways. Obviously our calculation would have changed if I thought there was going to be real long-term harm, and we did everything possible to mitigate the issues at school, but want to point out that just because a situation is less than great for your kid doesn't necessarily mean you have to do something that will seriously mess up your life. (Also not implying that this is NOT an urgent situation for your kid, but giving you permission to consider your own needs too.)
posted by metasarah at 4:07 PM on February 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
I work for a school district in San Diego county. I suggest exploring an non-sectarian, non-public school setting (NPS) for your child. The Institute for Effective Education, cited by mareli, above, is one that my district works with. Yes, your school district is obligated to provide educational services and an NPS setting is a real option. Maybe bring this up at the IEP review.
posted by SPrintF at 4:15 PM on February 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by SPrintF at 4:15 PM on February 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
One other option for the homeschooling route in California is going through a public charter school with a homeschool program. Here's a list of such schools that serve San Diego County. Being public schools, they are required to accept special needs students and implement IEPs, which in real life usually ends up with them funding private therapists to provide whatever the student's IEP would have entitled them to in a brick and mortar school setting (e.g. speech, social skills, occupational therapy). Some (most?) charter schools have WASC accreditation.
Here are some huge caveats: you are still the teacher and primary educator, checking in with a supervising teacher every month or so, but often left to your own devices to choose curriculum etc. Homeschooling is essentially a full time job minus paycheck. The quality of these charter schools, especially re: support for special needs students, varies. You'll need to check in with some local homeschooling groups (usually found on Facebook these days, alas) to get some feedback on which do well in this area. The therapists that the charter school funds are usually people you have to research, choose, drive kiddo to. Providing extracurricular activities is something a lot of these charter schools fund, but again you need to choose, organize schedule, drive.
The homeschool charter school route has worked well for our special needs kid in a district without great resources for autism spectrum kids, but it certainly wouldn't work for everyone. We find the tradeoffs worth it in order to educate in a relatively peaceful home environment, and gradually introduce more social challenges outside the home. Other families we know have managed to pressure the school district to fund private school for their child (I think what SPrintF is referencing above), or moved districts completely to ones with better funding and support.
posted by Wavelet at 4:45 PM on February 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
Here are some huge caveats: you are still the teacher and primary educator, checking in with a supervising teacher every month or so, but often left to your own devices to choose curriculum etc. Homeschooling is essentially a full time job minus paycheck. The quality of these charter schools, especially re: support for special needs students, varies. You'll need to check in with some local homeschooling groups (usually found on Facebook these days, alas) to get some feedback on which do well in this area. The therapists that the charter school funds are usually people you have to research, choose, drive kiddo to. Providing extracurricular activities is something a lot of these charter schools fund, but again you need to choose, organize schedule, drive.
The homeschool charter school route has worked well for our special needs kid in a district without great resources for autism spectrum kids, but it certainly wouldn't work for everyone. We find the tradeoffs worth it in order to educate in a relatively peaceful home environment, and gradually introduce more social challenges outside the home. Other families we know have managed to pressure the school district to fund private school for their child (I think what SPrintF is referencing above), or moved districts completely to ones with better funding and support.
posted by Wavelet at 4:45 PM on February 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
If you are open to a religious private school, many of them offer a more intimate atmosphere than public school and can provide your student with a kinder, less agressive setting in which to make friends and excel academically. You'll be able to judge how your student might react to the atmosphere and get a feel for the teachers if you make a site visit. You could visit the school first yourself, then if you think it's a possibility, take your student back for a tour and visit. Good luck! All our children deserve the opportunity to thrive in school.
posted by summerstorm at 8:27 PM on February 19, 2020
posted by summerstorm at 8:27 PM on February 19, 2020
> When you go to the IEP meeting ask if the district is willing to pay for some such school.
The district will say no, unless you're living in some amazingly enlightened district, but if you think that's the right option don't let them stop you right away. They need to provide a free, appropriate education, and if they can't do it in their public school they're legally required to pay for it elsewhere. You might have to sue to get placement in a private school.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:03 AM on February 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
The district will say no, unless you're living in some amazingly enlightened district, but if you think that's the right option don't let them stop you right away. They need to provide a free, appropriate education, and if they can't do it in their public school they're legally required to pay for it elsewhere. You might have to sue to get placement in a private school.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:03 AM on February 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
When you go to the IEP meeting ask if the district is willing to pay for some such school.
The district will say no, unless you're living in some amazingly enlightened district.
Welcome to San Diego county. Your public school district cannot say no if the student's IEP indicates that such an environment would assist the student in overcoming the student's disabilities. The district may want to say no (such placements are expensive for the district), but if the need is real and you persist, then they'll have little choice but to cooperate.
Having said that, if you opt for a private school placement, then of course the public school district won't be paying for that. If you consider a private school placement, be aware that the school can expel your child at any time and you will have little recourse in that event. A private school is a business, and they prefer profitable customers.
posted by SPrintF at 8:06 AM on February 20, 2020
The district will say no, unless you're living in some amazingly enlightened district.
Welcome to San Diego county. Your public school district cannot say no if the student's IEP indicates that such an environment would assist the student in overcoming the student's disabilities. The district may want to say no (such placements are expensive for the district), but if the need is real and you persist, then they'll have little choice but to cooperate.
Having said that, if you opt for a private school placement, then of course the public school district won't be paying for that. If you consider a private school placement, be aware that the school can expel your child at any time and you will have little recourse in that event. A private school is a business, and they prefer profitable customers.
posted by SPrintF at 8:06 AM on February 20, 2020
Response by poster: Regarding "undemanding homeschooling or even unschooling," I thought there were pretty stringent standards and reporting. If you're still reading, or somebody else has done this: what was your experience doing that?
I'm pretty much in grim survivor mode over here, so teaching various subjects and doing endless fun field trips are well into "Supermom" territory for me, as much as I wish they weren't. Even engaging all day is outside of my grasp.
I'm looking into better self care and stress management to help with all this.
posted by Eolienne at 9:30 AM on February 20, 2020
I'm pretty much in grim survivor mode over here, so teaching various subjects and doing endless fun field trips are well into "Supermom" territory for me, as much as I wish they weren't. Even engaging all day is outside of my grasp.
I'm looking into better self care and stress management to help with all this.
posted by Eolienne at 9:30 AM on February 20, 2020
Give TASK a call! They are the non-profit that has a grant to help parents with Sped/IEPs in San Diego. I do the same kind of work in my area/locale and when parents call with versions of this question (very common!) I can suggest specific schools, school formats, how to access each one, how to navigate home/hospital, specific local quirks, etc. That knowledge is all super local and siloed so it is good to talk to a local expert.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 11:22 AM on February 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Snarl Furillo at 11:22 AM on February 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Is there more than one high school option in your area? Is there like an arty/performing arts/etc magnet school or something? Investigate what other schools are there for you to possibly take advantage of; tour them, talk to their special ed teams, attend a play or a chorus concert or something to get the feel of extra-curriculars.
What specifically are the social stressors? Knowing that could help us give you more specific advice. Like, my daughter was being smothered by another classmate, enough so that I was able to get the other girl moved from their shared classes, which made it so much easier for my daughter to eventually completely cut ties.
Finally, be easier on yourself. It's okay that you're not "supermom." It's okay that you have your own struggles.
posted by cooker girl at 2:42 PM on February 19, 2020 [5 favorites]