Resisting a pointless Yelp war
February 17, 2020 12:27 AM Subscribe
I had a bad experience with an abrasive business owner and wrote a Yelp review laying out my experience. A few weeks passed and the business owner replied to my review with several paragraphs of unflattering and untrue rebuttals. Help me move past this feeling that I must defend myself, in this situation and in others.
I feel disproportionately attacked and defensive despite knowing that this person has their issues. I know I don’t need to rebut their ridiculous narrative because it’s freaking Yelp and I could never make them see my perspective or get an apology for them making things up instead of addressing the real issues I had with their service. How can I best work through these feelings in a productive way?
This is a pattern in my life. I have a hard time even talking about it in therapy, so I’m starting here to try to get a handle on this feeling of a rush of adrenaline and panic when someone makes me look bad. I actually had to schedule an extra therapy session when dealing with this person before I stopped using their services and wrote the review. I felt then and still feel ridiculous that I’m so worked up by a professional who did a bad job and was very rude to me. I don’t feel ready to bring it up in therapy again since I am judging myself for not being over it. I will eventually have to, I know!
Do you have a good strategy or perspective around letting negative experiences with difficult people that disagree with you that don’t involve ignoring your feelings... or in my case, writing neverending snippy Yelp replies?
It feels too hurtful or scary to be strongly opposed by someone. When I feel like this, I tend to shove down how I really feel, but that eventually fails and it leads to obsessively composing a mental rebuttal that takes down their response point by point in the most bad-ass way possible, then feeling ridiculous because I know instead it’d just look desperate and do nothing to give me the internal acceptance of the situation I need. Hope me, rejection sensitive people of MeFi!
I feel disproportionately attacked and defensive despite knowing that this person has their issues. I know I don’t need to rebut their ridiculous narrative because it’s freaking Yelp and I could never make them see my perspective or get an apology for them making things up instead of addressing the real issues I had with their service. How can I best work through these feelings in a productive way?
This is a pattern in my life. I have a hard time even talking about it in therapy, so I’m starting here to try to get a handle on this feeling of a rush of adrenaline and panic when someone makes me look bad. I actually had to schedule an extra therapy session when dealing with this person before I stopped using their services and wrote the review. I felt then and still feel ridiculous that I’m so worked up by a professional who did a bad job and was very rude to me. I don’t feel ready to bring it up in therapy again since I am judging myself for not being over it. I will eventually have to, I know!
Do you have a good strategy or perspective around letting negative experiences with difficult people that disagree with you that don’t involve ignoring your feelings... or in my case, writing neverending snippy Yelp replies?
It feels too hurtful or scary to be strongly opposed by someone. When I feel like this, I tend to shove down how I really feel, but that eventually fails and it leads to obsessively composing a mental rebuttal that takes down their response point by point in the most bad-ass way possible, then feeling ridiculous because I know instead it’d just look desperate and do nothing to give me the internal acceptance of the situation I need. Hope me, rejection sensitive people of MeFi!
Best answer: I agree. The times I've seen an owner lambasting someone who left a bad review it's invariably cringey. I wouldn't mind seeing some skilled sass replies for those who leave one star because they dropped in with 9 people at 6pm on a Friday night and couldn't get a table, but we're not to that part of the future yet.
Your work is done.
posted by rhizome at 1:47 AM on February 17, 2020 [4 favorites]
Your work is done.
posted by rhizome at 1:47 AM on February 17, 2020 [4 favorites]
Best answer: There's nothing wrong with writing that exquisite takedown and just not posting it. Write it out longhand, even, (so you're not tempted to copy/paste into Yelp and hit post) and maybe burn it as a bit of a ritual to help you mentally purge this person from your life. Then follow up with something that helps you settle your mind when it's troubled - yoga, a bath, your favorite movie, a glass of wine, a chat with a friend.
I was once looking up Yelp reviews for a gym near where I lived, and when the owner responded to a person's fairly milquetoast review (that essentially said "this system doesn't really work for me") with her PERSONAL HEALTH INFORMATION to rebut her claim, you can believe it wasn't the original reviewer who looked bad.
posted by misskaz at 4:03 AM on February 17, 2020 [13 favorites]
I was once looking up Yelp reviews for a gym near where I lived, and when the owner responded to a person's fairly milquetoast review (that essentially said "this system doesn't really work for me") with her PERSONAL HEALTH INFORMATION to rebut her claim, you can believe it wasn't the original reviewer who looked bad.
posted by misskaz at 4:03 AM on February 17, 2020 [13 favorites]
Best answer: Yup, fourthing that whatever little faith i put in yelp reviews, batshit owner responses are a VERY BIG red flag/thing to look out for. Always makes me think of Gordon Ramsey and Amy’s Baking Co.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 4:39 AM on February 17, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 4:39 AM on February 17, 2020 [7 favorites]
Best answer: It helps me to remember this quote:
"I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."
George Bernard Shaw
posted by Homer42 at 7:02 AM on February 17, 2020 [4 favorites]
"I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."
George Bernard Shaw
posted by Homer42 at 7:02 AM on February 17, 2020 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I second the recommendation of writing a catty, witty response to the business owner.... and then deliberately never posting it. When I have urges like this I need to channel them Somewhere to help them dissipate, and you might as well channel them in the most direct way possible that won't cause real world issues. If you want to get fancy you could keep your online journal of epic teardowns and eventually anonymize it and turn it into an art project or something.
You don't get to control what your emotions and subconscious want you to do, but you do have total control over how they manifest in the real world. The more you practice dealing with that the better you'll get at it
posted by JZig at 7:12 AM on February 17, 2020
You don't get to control what your emotions and subconscious want you to do, but you do have total control over how they manifest in the real world. The more you practice dealing with that the better you'll get at it
posted by JZig at 7:12 AM on February 17, 2020
Best answer: I had the same thing happen to me a few years ago. I wrote a negative review, the owner posted a batshit crazy reply personally attacking me and a veiled threat to "track me down" - at the time, I lived in a small town and it terrified me. For a long time, it really rattled me.
I am a pretty active Yelper, so I talked to a few of the other Elites in my area, and for my peace of mind, this is what I did.
1) Took a screen shot of my original review and the owner's horrible comments. Saved it.
2) Wrote an imaginary reply that made me feel better. Took a screen shot and saved it. I never posted it.
And then I deleted my review. Which in turn deleted his reply. Then I deleted all the screen shots including my imaginary reply that I never posted.
This is the path I needed to get emotionally better about the whole situation.
Fast forward six months later. KARMA, baby! The business went under.
posted by HeyAllie at 7:20 AM on February 17, 2020 [13 favorites]
I am a pretty active Yelper, so I talked to a few of the other Elites in my area, and for my peace of mind, this is what I did.
1) Took a screen shot of my original review and the owner's horrible comments. Saved it.
2) Wrote an imaginary reply that made me feel better. Took a screen shot and saved it. I never posted it.
And then I deleted my review. Which in turn deleted his reply. Then I deleted all the screen shots including my imaginary reply that I never posted.
This is the path I needed to get emotionally better about the whole situation.
Fast forward six months later. KARMA, baby! The business went under.
posted by HeyAllie at 7:20 AM on February 17, 2020 [13 favorites]
Best answer: You have already created a huge effect on their business, Yelp reviews matter (especially ones that include specific details about a business/experience rather than just "1 star, it sucked). And that response from the owner is giving the business terrible PR, because that will rub people the wrong way and make a certain subset of people not go there. And if the business is that shitty, they're not going to last long.
I would not internalize any of this, because most business owners are trying to create a professional image and this one clearly is more concerned about being "right" than that old adage that the customer is always right. I'm sorry that you got caught on the shit end of this shit human, but really, it's not you, it's them.
posted by DoubleLune at 7:22 AM on February 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
I would not internalize any of this, because most business owners are trying to create a professional image and this one clearly is more concerned about being "right" than that old adage that the customer is always right. I'm sorry that you got caught on the shit end of this shit human, but really, it's not you, it's them.
posted by DoubleLune at 7:22 AM on February 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Sometimes I get this way - to a lesser degree - on the green/blue. I get excited or annoyed and feel that I really, really need to say something. I type it out, weak a few times, re-read the thread to make sure I'm understanding the context, and then the adrenaline fades and I realize I'm not adding anything to the conversation, so I delete it and it seems easy to move on.
In this case he's kind of made all the points for you. Type our your scathing response in notepad and see how you feel.
But I do think it might be good to bring it up in therapy.
posted by bunderful at 7:38 AM on February 17, 2020 [3 favorites]
In this case he's kind of made all the points for you. Type our your scathing response in notepad and see how you feel.
But I do think it might be good to bring it up in therapy.
posted by bunderful at 7:38 AM on February 17, 2020 [3 favorites]
Best answer: "Do you think the owner is still bothered by the incident?" DEFinitely. Thus you have already won. Congrats.
For help in ceasing to obsess over this particular very bad businessperson, I recommend hours and hours and hours of The Hotel Inspector, with Alex Polizzi, the wonderfully brisk and profane destroyer of cherished hotelier fantasies like "Anybody who doesn't at first like my dusty collection of [plaster cats/fairies/naked women sculptures/babydolls/yadda] that are all over this place staring at them in every room from every conceivable niche will eventually succumb to their charm and return to stay here year after year after shining, golden year;" and "All right-thinking persons will be not only willing but happy to pay three hundred pounds for this room because it has a view of my garden pond, which for years contained koi until the fateful spring when badgers ate them;" and "Only a tragic obsessive who could never be happy anywhere would notice that this room only has a bath, no shower, and a large brown stain on the carpet near the bed and a scorchmark on the nightstand and a toilet seat that is missing a bolt."
posted by Don Pepino at 9:33 AM on February 17, 2020 [5 favorites]
For help in ceasing to obsess over this particular very bad businessperson, I recommend hours and hours and hours of The Hotel Inspector, with Alex Polizzi, the wonderfully brisk and profane destroyer of cherished hotelier fantasies like "Anybody who doesn't at first like my dusty collection of [plaster cats/fairies/naked women sculptures/babydolls/yadda] that are all over this place staring at them in every room from every conceivable niche will eventually succumb to their charm and return to stay here year after year after shining, golden year;" and "All right-thinking persons will be not only willing but happy to pay three hundred pounds for this room because it has a view of my garden pond, which for years contained koi until the fateful spring when badgers ate them;" and "Only a tragic obsessive who could never be happy anywhere would notice that this room only has a bath, no shower, and a large brown stain on the carpet near the bed and a scorchmark on the nightstand and a toilet seat that is missing a bolt."
posted by Don Pepino at 9:33 AM on February 17, 2020 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Just to add a couple things:
1) I once created something that was reviewed in a publication with a lot of visibility in my community, and the reviewer docked me stars because it did exactly what it's supposed to do -- think: complaining that a science fiction movie has space ships in it. I wanted to write a letter to the editor SO BAD, but a friend talked me down saying that the likelihood is low of convincing someone who already doesn't like the style of the thing itself.
2) This part:
I have a hard time even talking about it in therapy, so I’m starting here to try to get a handle on this feeling of a rush of adrenaline and panic when someone makes me look bad.
If you're like me when I feel like this, it's called "rage." It's not ignoring your feelings to weed this out.
posted by rhizome at 9:35 AM on February 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
1) I once created something that was reviewed in a publication with a lot of visibility in my community, and the reviewer docked me stars because it did exactly what it's supposed to do -- think: complaining that a science fiction movie has space ships in it. I wanted to write a letter to the editor SO BAD, but a friend talked me down saying that the likelihood is low of convincing someone who already doesn't like the style of the thing itself.
2) This part:
I have a hard time even talking about it in therapy, so I’m starting here to try to get a handle on this feeling of a rush of adrenaline and panic when someone makes me look bad.
If you're like me when I feel like this, it's called "rage." It's not ignoring your feelings to weed this out.
posted by rhizome at 9:35 AM on February 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: For Internet stuff, I've found that just thinking about this comic is often enough to get me to step back and see the absurdity of engaging endlessly with something wrong.
Outside the Internet, I try to remember this Zen story.
In both cases, I try to let go of my anger/worry/etc, rather than swallow it down, if that makes sense.
posted by yankeefog at 6:39 AM on February 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
Outside the Internet, I try to remember this Zen story.
In both cases, I try to let go of my anger/worry/etc, rather than swallow it down, if that makes sense.
posted by yankeefog at 6:39 AM on February 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by Metasyntactic at 12:47 AM on February 17, 2020 [81 favorites]