How do you break up with someone for lack of physical attraction?
January 31, 2020 4:55 PM Subscribe
I'm in a six-month-old relationship. Things are good -- except that I feel little physical attraction to my SO. This has been the case from the beginning, but I've been hoping that either it would change or I would be able to live with it. Neither of these seems to be the case and I'm feeling like I will have to break up with her soon. This would be very painful for my SO, who loves me, has little relationship experience, and has deep body image issues around the features that my lack of attraction is due to. How do I approach this sensitively and skillfully?
I'm male, early 40s, she's female, mid-30s. We just passed our six-month anniversary. We're compatible in lots of ways -- we enjoy each other's company, have similar interests, lifestyles and life goals, etc. She's smart and interesting and quirky in ways that I like. She's a sensitive and kind-hearted person and has been very patient and supportive of me around the various ways I'm kind of messed up (which are legion). She loves me and says so and shows it in many ways. I care for her, but I can't truthfully say that I feel real love, passion or excitement about her, in large part because the physical attraction simply isn't there for me, and I can't do romantic love in its absence. This has been the case all through the relationship, but I've stayed with it for a number of reasons: I thought attraction might increase with time or that I'd be OK living without it; I didn't want to be alone; I didn't want to break her heart. I know these are not necessarily good reasons. Neither of us has much relationship experience, and we haven't been good at communicating about it -- I think we both shy away from talking about the relationship because we know there's this asymmetry of feeling.
It's reached a point where I don't see things changing, and I feel it's time to move on, but I've been avoiding having The Talk mostly because I know how painful it would be for her. She's only been in one serious relationship before me, and she talks as if sees us staying together for the long term (she talks about future plans, e.g. us going to her sister's wedding in October). She knows though that I'm not as emotionally committed to the relationship as she is. There were a couple of times earlier on when I basically said I wanted to break up because I couldn't return her feelings, but she started crying and then I did the same and we ended up staying together kind of by default. (Again, we haven't been skillful in communicating or steering the relationship together, and I take my share of the blame for that.)
The hardest part is that I know she's very self-conscious about her body and especially her weight, and that this is the main factor in my lack of attraction. Her being significantly overweight isn't the only turn-off for me, but the others are also physical features that she couldn't do anything to change. I'm not proud of being superficial about these things, but I also can't create attraction where it doesn't exist. She's confided in me that her greatest fear is being rejected because of her body. This is basically what I have to do unless I want to stay indefinitely in this relationship, which does not seem like a good idea for either of us in the long term.
How do I approach this as sensitively as possible? I almost wish there was some other major incompatibility or problem that I could pin the blame on so that she doesn't go away feeling "the man I love dumped me because I'm fat". But there isn't -- as I said, we're really pretty compatible and things have been going well on most fronts other than the physical one. I feel guilty for having let things drag on in this way and not cut it off earlier, though TBH she seems to have dived in pretty deep emotionally right from the start, so I don't know how much better that would have been. But in any case here we are, this isn't working for me for totally superficial reasons that would hurt her deeply if she knew them, and I don't know how to end it without risking causing long-term psychological damage to someone who loves me and who I care about. I can't say "I want to break up because I'm not attracted to you physically" without confirming her worst fears about herself, and I'm not sure what else I could truthfully say. Trying to leave it vague ("this just isn't working for me") won't work -- I know from previous experience that she would demand reasons. The best I can come up with is something along the lines of (this is not necessarily well phrased or how I would actually say it) "I'm just not feeling what I'd like to feel for you, love is either there or it isn't and sometimes you don't know why, you deserve someone who can return your love and it isn't me". But what if she asks straight out "Is it because I'm fat?" I'm a bad liar and I feel like I would hem and haw and she would sense the truth.
I know I haven't handled this skillfully so far, but I want to do the best I can at this point. Any thoughts on how to this in a hopefully harm-minimizing way would be very welcome.
I'm male, early 40s, she's female, mid-30s. We just passed our six-month anniversary. We're compatible in lots of ways -- we enjoy each other's company, have similar interests, lifestyles and life goals, etc. She's smart and interesting and quirky in ways that I like. She's a sensitive and kind-hearted person and has been very patient and supportive of me around the various ways I'm kind of messed up (which are legion). She loves me and says so and shows it in many ways. I care for her, but I can't truthfully say that I feel real love, passion or excitement about her, in large part because the physical attraction simply isn't there for me, and I can't do romantic love in its absence. This has been the case all through the relationship, but I've stayed with it for a number of reasons: I thought attraction might increase with time or that I'd be OK living without it; I didn't want to be alone; I didn't want to break her heart. I know these are not necessarily good reasons. Neither of us has much relationship experience, and we haven't been good at communicating about it -- I think we both shy away from talking about the relationship because we know there's this asymmetry of feeling.
It's reached a point where I don't see things changing, and I feel it's time to move on, but I've been avoiding having The Talk mostly because I know how painful it would be for her. She's only been in one serious relationship before me, and she talks as if sees us staying together for the long term (she talks about future plans, e.g. us going to her sister's wedding in October). She knows though that I'm not as emotionally committed to the relationship as she is. There were a couple of times earlier on when I basically said I wanted to break up because I couldn't return her feelings, but she started crying and then I did the same and we ended up staying together kind of by default. (Again, we haven't been skillful in communicating or steering the relationship together, and I take my share of the blame for that.)
The hardest part is that I know she's very self-conscious about her body and especially her weight, and that this is the main factor in my lack of attraction. Her being significantly overweight isn't the only turn-off for me, but the others are also physical features that she couldn't do anything to change. I'm not proud of being superficial about these things, but I also can't create attraction where it doesn't exist. She's confided in me that her greatest fear is being rejected because of her body. This is basically what I have to do unless I want to stay indefinitely in this relationship, which does not seem like a good idea for either of us in the long term.
How do I approach this as sensitively as possible? I almost wish there was some other major incompatibility or problem that I could pin the blame on so that she doesn't go away feeling "the man I love dumped me because I'm fat". But there isn't -- as I said, we're really pretty compatible and things have been going well on most fronts other than the physical one. I feel guilty for having let things drag on in this way and not cut it off earlier, though TBH she seems to have dived in pretty deep emotionally right from the start, so I don't know how much better that would have been. But in any case here we are, this isn't working for me for totally superficial reasons that would hurt her deeply if she knew them, and I don't know how to end it without risking causing long-term psychological damage to someone who loves me and who I care about. I can't say "I want to break up because I'm not attracted to you physically" without confirming her worst fears about herself, and I'm not sure what else I could truthfully say. Trying to leave it vague ("this just isn't working for me") won't work -- I know from previous experience that she would demand reasons. The best I can come up with is something along the lines of (this is not necessarily well phrased or how I would actually say it) "I'm just not feeling what I'd like to feel for you, love is either there or it isn't and sometimes you don't know why, you deserve someone who can return your love and it isn't me". But what if she asks straight out "Is it because I'm fat?" I'm a bad liar and I feel like I would hem and haw and she would sense the truth.
I know I haven't handled this skillfully so far, but I want to do the best I can at this point. Any thoughts on how to this in a hopefully harm-minimizing way would be very welcome.
You say “I'm just not feeling what I'd like to feel for you, love is either there or it isn't and sometimes you don't know why, you deserve someone who can return your love and it isn't me". When she asks if it’s because she’s fat, you say “If that was an issue for me I wouldn’t have dated you in the first place.” Which is true.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:03 PM on January 31, 2020 [140 favorites]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:03 PM on January 31, 2020 [140 favorites]
You do not need to tell her why, just that it's been six months and it's just not coalescing for you.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:07 PM on January 31, 2020 [11 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 5:07 PM on January 31, 2020 [11 favorites]
This is 100% what white lies are for. There are zero upsides to saying you're leaving because she's fat, even if she asks you outright. Even having someone care enough about you to lie badly about that (giving you at least a chink of hope that maybe it wasn't that) is better than having someone say it outright, if that's the one thing you're really dreading.
I think you need Miko's advice on how to break up with someone well. It doesn't have 1500 favorites for nothing.
posted by penguin pie at 5:11 PM on January 31, 2020 [22 favorites]
I think you need Miko's advice on how to break up with someone well. It doesn't have 1500 favorites for nothing.
posted by penguin pie at 5:11 PM on January 31, 2020 [22 favorites]
One of the hard things about breaking up with someone is that you don't really get a say in how they feel about it. This seems like an example of that.
You're right that even if you're as kind as possible (you're getting good advice on that already), she still might take it badly. She might draw shitty conclusions from it, and it might be a setback in her relationship with her body.
But helping her have a good relationship with her body isn't your job anymore. It's not something you get to be involved in. You have to let go of it. Be as kind as you can, and then leave it to her to deal with it.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:20 PM on January 31, 2020 [10 favorites]
You're right that even if you're as kind as possible (you're getting good advice on that already), she still might take it badly. She might draw shitty conclusions from it, and it might be a setback in her relationship with her body.
But helping her have a good relationship with her body isn't your job anymore. It's not something you get to be involved in. You have to let go of it. Be as kind as you can, and then leave it to her to deal with it.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:20 PM on January 31, 2020 [10 favorites]
I don't know how to end it without risking causing long-term psychological damage
This may be because neither of you have much relationship experience, and I mean this in the best way, but please don't think like this about yourself. Unless you are trying to cause significant psychological damage, I think you can let that fear go. Also, remember, you may be the star of the show in your own life, but that doesn't mean you are in someone else's. She can move on and continue being her fabulous self. Therapy is helpful for many reasons. Working on your self-esteem and moving on from break-ups seems pretty standard therapy reasons. But what do I know? I'm just some person on the internet.
As for specific advice, you do not need to lie. ThatCanadianGirl gave a good suggestion. Also, of course Miko gives great advice as well. It's 6 months, not 6 years. You don't have kids, pets, house, etc. This is the best time as there is no time like the present. I had been in a similar situation of breaking up but then crying and staying together and drifting. It ended so much worse than if we had the guts to end it when it did as opposed to dragging that out so much longer than it ever needed to be when it was a lot more complicated and painful. Someone mentioned "sliding". You just slide into the next thing and the next thing. Oh, I can't break up because it's their birthday, their cat died, they just got fired, they stubbed their toe, what-have-you.
The best thing you can say, IMO, is 'I care about you enough to want you to be with someone who will love you like you deserve. That person is not me and I hope you are able to be in a loving and satisfying relationship that is truly fulfilling.' And then go your separate ways. Best of luck.
posted by VyanSelei at 5:23 PM on January 31, 2020 [10 favorites]
This may be because neither of you have much relationship experience, and I mean this in the best way, but please don't think like this about yourself. Unless you are trying to cause significant psychological damage, I think you can let that fear go. Also, remember, you may be the star of the show in your own life, but that doesn't mean you are in someone else's. She can move on and continue being her fabulous self. Therapy is helpful for many reasons. Working on your self-esteem and moving on from break-ups seems pretty standard therapy reasons. But what do I know? I'm just some person on the internet.
As for specific advice, you do not need to lie. ThatCanadianGirl gave a good suggestion. Also, of course Miko gives great advice as well. It's 6 months, not 6 years. You don't have kids, pets, house, etc. This is the best time as there is no time like the present. I had been in a similar situation of breaking up but then crying and staying together and drifting. It ended so much worse than if we had the guts to end it when it did as opposed to dragging that out so much longer than it ever needed to be when it was a lot more complicated and painful. Someone mentioned "sliding". You just slide into the next thing and the next thing. Oh, I can't break up because it's their birthday, their cat died, they just got fired, they stubbed their toe, what-have-you.
The best thing you can say, IMO, is 'I care about you enough to want you to be with someone who will love you like you deserve. That person is not me and I hope you are able to be in a loving and satisfying relationship that is truly fulfilling.' And then go your separate ways. Best of luck.
posted by VyanSelei at 5:23 PM on January 31, 2020 [10 favorites]
Since the kindest approach would be not to bring up the physical attraction part, think about anonymizing this question unless you're certain she doesn't know your username here. (You can do that by contacting the mods.)
posted by trig at 5:37 PM on January 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by trig at 5:37 PM on January 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
Also, if you decide not to bring up that aspect, commit to that decision - don't say it half-heartedly or reverse yourself if she asks you about it point-blank or repeatedly. Think ahead thoroughly about what you want to convey and the different ways the conversation might play out. Practice not hemming and hawing.
posted by trig at 5:42 PM on January 31, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by trig at 5:42 PM on January 31, 2020 [7 favorites]
If the asks "is it because of my weight?" You REALLY need to get to a place where you can convincingly tell her "no". Because... please don't damage this person.
Work on internalizing the truth, which is that there could be a fat person for whom you'd feel the feelings you want; and there are definitely legions of thin people for whom you'd never feel the feelings you want.
So: it's not because she's fat, it's because you just don't feel what you need to feel.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:52 PM on January 31, 2020 [35 favorites]
Work on internalizing the truth, which is that there could be a fat person for whom you'd feel the feelings you want; and there are definitely legions of thin people for whom you'd never feel the feelings you want.
So: it's not because she's fat, it's because you just don't feel what you need to feel.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:52 PM on January 31, 2020 [35 favorites]
Do not, do not, DO NOT say it has anything to do with you not finding her attractive. That shit scars people for life. Tell her she's a great person but you don't see a future there. Tell her you love her but you're not in love. Do not, under any circumstances, tell her you're dumping her because of her looks. If she asks, LIE.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:56 PM on January 31, 2020 [19 favorites]
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:56 PM on January 31, 2020 [19 favorites]
As everyone is saying, do not bring up the physical aspect.
You can tell the truth by saying: "I struggle with ambivalence in relationships and though I hoped I could get past it here, I can't. You deserve someone who can love you without inner conflict. I wish you the best." If she asks why just keep saying you struggle with ambivalence that isn't about who she is. In a sense it's a white lie in that it's incomplete, but it's also true that if you had known yourself fully and accepted your own needs 6 months ago you never would have gotten to this point. This is not a criticism of you, we've all be there, but it's also important to remember as you tell her this that there really is nothing inherently wrong with her, there is just the fact that you tried to force yourself to feel attraction you couldn't for too long. So in that sense you can honestly tell her it's about your own inner conflicts and has nothing to do with anything wrong with her.
posted by ojocaliente at 5:57 PM on January 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
You can tell the truth by saying: "I struggle with ambivalence in relationships and though I hoped I could get past it here, I can't. You deserve someone who can love you without inner conflict. I wish you the best." If she asks why just keep saying you struggle with ambivalence that isn't about who she is. In a sense it's a white lie in that it's incomplete, but it's also true that if you had known yourself fully and accepted your own needs 6 months ago you never would have gotten to this point. This is not a criticism of you, we've all be there, but it's also important to remember as you tell her this that there really is nothing inherently wrong with her, there is just the fact that you tried to force yourself to feel attraction you couldn't for too long. So in that sense you can honestly tell her it's about your own inner conflicts and has nothing to do with anything wrong with her.
posted by ojocaliente at 5:57 PM on January 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
we ended up staying together kind of by default. (Again, we haven't been skillful in communicating or steering the relationship together, and I take my share of the blame for that.)
that would be just about all of the blame, then. She told you she loves you, you believe her, and you stayed with her anyway. She has been hurting herself through her choice to stay with you, and you have been hurting her through your choice to stay with her, and you can fairly call that an equal balance of mistakes made but it's not equal harm landing on both sides. you didn't each hurt each other; you both agreed to hurt her.
Tell her that the affection you've felt for her was real but that you have come to understand the difference between affection and being in love, that you're sure, and that you're sorry. do not add in a self-comforting line about how you, too, hoped you could fall in love with her but you just weren't able to no matter how hard you tried. that's cruel.
do not say a word about your past private erotic response to her body while you are breaking up with her. jesus christ.
if you have been lying to her all this time about how attractive you find her, you will probably find great relief in telling the truth to somebody, like a therapist or a good friend who's never met her and never will. but do not dare to try to access that relief by using her as your audience. your circuitous attempt here to talk yourself into believing that you literally can't break up without telling her is very alarming. you said you don't love her! just tell her that, for pity's sake. that's enough pain for a break-up conversation, I promise you.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:43 PM on January 31, 2020 [38 favorites]
that would be just about all of the blame, then. She told you she loves you, you believe her, and you stayed with her anyway. She has been hurting herself through her choice to stay with you, and you have been hurting her through your choice to stay with her, and you can fairly call that an equal balance of mistakes made but it's not equal harm landing on both sides. you didn't each hurt each other; you both agreed to hurt her.
Tell her that the affection you've felt for her was real but that you have come to understand the difference between affection and being in love, that you're sure, and that you're sorry. do not add in a self-comforting line about how you, too, hoped you could fall in love with her but you just weren't able to no matter how hard you tried. that's cruel.
do not say a word about your past private erotic response to her body while you are breaking up with her. jesus christ.
if you have been lying to her all this time about how attractive you find her, you will probably find great relief in telling the truth to somebody, like a therapist or a good friend who's never met her and never will. but do not dare to try to access that relief by using her as your audience. your circuitous attempt here to talk yourself into believing that you literally can't break up without telling her is very alarming. you said you don't love her! just tell her that, for pity's sake. that's enough pain for a break-up conversation, I promise you.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:43 PM on January 31, 2020 [38 favorites]
Please don't say "I care about you enough to want you to be with someone who will love you like you deserve." It's super patronizing, as if you know what she needs more than she does. It feels awful to have someone say that to you.
posted by MountainDaisy at 6:43 PM on January 31, 2020 [14 favorites]
posted by MountainDaisy at 6:43 PM on January 31, 2020 [14 favorites]
Even if she were a supermodel, after 6 months with someone, you know if it's sparking joy or not. That's about as long as it takes to truly get to know someone. It's not like it was 6 years.
You are 100% legit, as she would also be, to say, you know what? We gave this a shot and it's not the relationship I need right now, and neither of us should prevent the other from being free to find one that's better. If it's not working, it's not working. After 6 months, that's really all that needs to be said.
Trying to come up with reasons and easy-letdown stuff is just going to make it harder for her. If you care for her and respect her at all, don't do that. Just be honest and say the truth- you dated, she's a lovely person, but it's just not right for you.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 6:59 PM on January 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
You are 100% legit, as she would also be, to say, you know what? We gave this a shot and it's not the relationship I need right now, and neither of us should prevent the other from being free to find one that's better. If it's not working, it's not working. After 6 months, that's really all that needs to be said.
Trying to come up with reasons and easy-letdown stuff is just going to make it harder for her. If you care for her and respect her at all, don't do that. Just be honest and say the truth- you dated, she's a lovely person, but it's just not right for you.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 6:59 PM on January 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
If you think it'll be hard for her at six months, imagine what it would be in two years, when she's spent the whole time questioning whether you really care about her or not. What a nightmare that would be for her!
posted by praemunire at 7:44 PM on January 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 7:44 PM on January 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
In my experience, to tell a convincing lie (which I agree with the other answers you should do), you need to do a couple things:
1. You must genuinely not want the person you’re lying to to know the truth, now or ever. A lot of people who try to lie have subconscious or even slightly conscious wishes that the truth will come out. They lie because it seems like the proper thing to do, but secretly they wish someone will find out, maybe because it would be a relief, maybe because it would be dramatic or entertaining, etc. Think of the classic situation of the person having an affair who wants to get caught, or someone who has gossip they’re not supposed to tell at work but hopes someone will guess.
2. You need to find a way to lie that feels true to you. Meaning you might be telling a lie technically, but the spirit of the lie feels genuine to you. Say a friend you love asks “how do I look?” when it’s too late to change out of a very ugly outfit—you look at your friend and think of how much you love them and treasure that face you know so well, and say “you look beautiful!”
Without these, there is a lack of commitment to the lie. You’re just mouthing words while your body, voice, and face give away the truth. That’s why the lie is obvious. You haven’t locked it away inside you, thrown away the key, and covered it with something real.
I sense both of these issues in your question. I’m not sure why, but I get the sense that it is important to you that you’re not physically attracted to this woman specifically because she’s fat. There are many ways you could have written this question without specifying that, and you emphasized it over and over again. Maybe it’s anxiety that she’ll find out that’s driving you to fixate on this, or maybe it’s just occupied your mind a lot, or maybe you secretly think it would help her to know. You need to let go of this before you tell this lie. Stop focusing on how unattractive you find her weight. Stop thinking about her weight.
As for the spirit of the lie: it is not fatness in general that’s driving this. You haven’t met even a sliver of all the amazing fat women in the world, to be able to say “yes” to the question “is it because I’m fat?” You are breaking up with this person because she is her, not because she is fat. Her body is not separable from her spirit, all those things you like about her are mixed in with the thing you dislike, and on balance you arent right together. You could meet a woman tomorrow who is fatter and who you feel amazing chemistry with, you have no way of knowing that will never happen.
“Is it because I’m fat?”
“No, it’s not about how you look at all, it’s about how we feel together. I don’t feel the same way you do. I wish I felt differently because you are so great, but I can’t force that feeling when it’s not there.”
posted by sallybrown at 8:22 PM on January 31, 2020 [38 favorites]
1. You must genuinely not want the person you’re lying to to know the truth, now or ever. A lot of people who try to lie have subconscious or even slightly conscious wishes that the truth will come out. They lie because it seems like the proper thing to do, but secretly they wish someone will find out, maybe because it would be a relief, maybe because it would be dramatic or entertaining, etc. Think of the classic situation of the person having an affair who wants to get caught, or someone who has gossip they’re not supposed to tell at work but hopes someone will guess.
2. You need to find a way to lie that feels true to you. Meaning you might be telling a lie technically, but the spirit of the lie feels genuine to you. Say a friend you love asks “how do I look?” when it’s too late to change out of a very ugly outfit—you look at your friend and think of how much you love them and treasure that face you know so well, and say “you look beautiful!”
Without these, there is a lack of commitment to the lie. You’re just mouthing words while your body, voice, and face give away the truth. That’s why the lie is obvious. You haven’t locked it away inside you, thrown away the key, and covered it with something real.
I sense both of these issues in your question. I’m not sure why, but I get the sense that it is important to you that you’re not physically attracted to this woman specifically because she’s fat. There are many ways you could have written this question without specifying that, and you emphasized it over and over again. Maybe it’s anxiety that she’ll find out that’s driving you to fixate on this, or maybe it’s just occupied your mind a lot, or maybe you secretly think it would help her to know. You need to let go of this before you tell this lie. Stop focusing on how unattractive you find her weight. Stop thinking about her weight.
As for the spirit of the lie: it is not fatness in general that’s driving this. You haven’t met even a sliver of all the amazing fat women in the world, to be able to say “yes” to the question “is it because I’m fat?” You are breaking up with this person because she is her, not because she is fat. Her body is not separable from her spirit, all those things you like about her are mixed in with the thing you dislike, and on balance you arent right together. You could meet a woman tomorrow who is fatter and who you feel amazing chemistry with, you have no way of knowing that will never happen.
“Is it because I’m fat?”
“No, it’s not about how you look at all, it’s about how we feel together. I don’t feel the same way you do. I wish I felt differently because you are so great, but I can’t force that feeling when it’s not there.”
posted by sallybrown at 8:22 PM on January 31, 2020 [38 favorites]
This is sadly and hilariously like what I eventually learned my ex did to the woman before me - he broke up with her because she couldn't lose her "pudge" - and went on to me who is FATTER THAN HER - when she finally met me when she came to retrieve her old car, and she saw me I could see her face and how something clicked inside and she realized that it wasn't her!!! It never was. It's not about just one thing, its the whole package - do you love someone enough that you don't care about the the jagged bits? Don't be my ex - why devastate some poor person by picking on something that many others won't care about? That's why he is my ex and I have an amazing new husband now. Also don't nitpick and say you hate lying as an excuse to be cruel either. Grow up and acknowledge that people can be totally amazing and yet not amazing for each other.
posted by meepmeow at 9:03 PM on January 31, 2020 [18 favorites]
posted by meepmeow at 9:03 PM on January 31, 2020 [18 favorites]
excellent advice from sallybrown above. Find a version of the truth that feels true to you, something that you are not ashamed of, and stick to it.
You think she's great but you're not in love. Some version of that is all you need to say, and honestly, it's all you need to know. There are a lot of thin women in the world that you're not in love with either, right?
For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing. The six month mark is exactly when you should be doing this assessment and moving on if you know you're not all-in. Good for you for giving the relationship a chance but ultimately not wasting your time or hers.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:20 PM on January 31, 2020 [5 favorites]
You think she's great but you're not in love. Some version of that is all you need to say, and honestly, it's all you need to know. There are a lot of thin women in the world that you're not in love with either, right?
For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing. The six month mark is exactly when you should be doing this assessment and moving on if you know you're not all-in. Good for you for giving the relationship a chance but ultimately not wasting your time or hers.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:20 PM on January 31, 2020 [5 favorites]
If she suddenly got in a car accident and needed emergency surgery that resulted in a massive weight loss and plastic reconstructive surgery to change your perceived physical ‘flaws’, you would still not feel a spark. The physical stuff is a side effect that you are not deeply in love with her in the way you want to be and that is enough.
If you really really cannot say that to her face without talking about her body, write a very short damn letter you edit carefully and ghost her afterwards. That’s kinder.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 9:46 PM on January 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
If you really really cannot say that to her face without talking about her body, write a very short damn letter you edit carefully and ghost her afterwards. That’s kinder.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 9:46 PM on January 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
When I was a teen I dated a girl I wasn't attracted to. I stayed with her for longer than I should have, because I didn't want to hurt her and because I didn't want to be alone. When I finally did break up with her, I told her it was because I wasn't attracted to her. I'd been sitting on that fact too long, building up resentment (as if she'd done anything wrong) and I told her she was fat and I didn't want her. It all just came out and I couldn't seem to stop myself, and I remember being astonished by own cruelty. Being "honest" with her then was probably the worst, meanest thing I've ever done. She was devastated, as you'd imagine, and all these years later I don't think a week goes by without me cringing over how I hurt this person who'd done nothing to deserve it. Everything I said then may have been true, but it was wrong for me to share it with her. I profusely apologized to her a year or so later, but she didn't accept it. I can't blame her. I was simply horrible, the kind of horrible that doesn't deserve forgiveness.
I say all this because as you talk about this burning need to be honest it gives me bad flashbacks to the resentment I felt all those years ago, this feeling like I'd been trapped by some ugly girl and I deserved better. Even her niceness made me angry, like it was just part of the trap. I think back on it now and I want to slap myself across the chops. I'm not certain you're feeling something similar, but what you say does sound all too similar to the way I might have spun things before I finally erupted. I'm here to tell you that any resentment you may feel isn't fair, this woman doesn't deserve it, and if you're "honest" with her you're really only venting your own frustrations over stuff that's not her fault. You will definitely hurt her and (assuming you have a soul) in the long term you'll probably hurt yourself too.
It's shameful for me to share this story now but I'm doing it in hopes that it can spare two people from the kind of pain I caused. Please, please learn from my example. Tell this woman you love her but you're not in love. If she asks if it's her looks, tell her she's fucking beautiful and her looks have nothing to do with it. There are some lies you never regret telling, and truths you spend your whole life wishing you'd never spoken.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:43 PM on January 31, 2020 [69 favorites]
I say all this because as you talk about this burning need to be honest it gives me bad flashbacks to the resentment I felt all those years ago, this feeling like I'd been trapped by some ugly girl and I deserved better. Even her niceness made me angry, like it was just part of the trap. I think back on it now and I want to slap myself across the chops. I'm not certain you're feeling something similar, but what you say does sound all too similar to the way I might have spun things before I finally erupted. I'm here to tell you that any resentment you may feel isn't fair, this woman doesn't deserve it, and if you're "honest" with her you're really only venting your own frustrations over stuff that's not her fault. You will definitely hurt her and (assuming you have a soul) in the long term you'll probably hurt yourself too.
It's shameful for me to share this story now but I'm doing it in hopes that it can spare two people from the kind of pain I caused. Please, please learn from my example. Tell this woman you love her but you're not in love. If she asks if it's her looks, tell her she's fucking beautiful and her looks have nothing to do with it. There are some lies you never regret telling, and truths you spend your whole life wishing you'd never spoken.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:43 PM on January 31, 2020 [69 favorites]
As someone suggested upthread, find the words that are true to you but that aren't cruel or hurtful. Sometimes it doesn't work out and as another said, the 6 month mark is a good time to make the assessments. As evidenced by some of the replies here, what someone may consider kind or thoughtful, may be patronizing or devastating to others.
You have been with her for the past 6 months and you are aware enough of her feelings to know she will want an answer and she is concerned about her weight. Take this knowledge and hopefully what you found most helpful from these responses and rip off the band-aid. The conversation may not even play out how you think it will and agonizing over it may just end up prolonging it. I hope you both find happiness.
posted by VyanSelei at 11:23 PM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
You have been with her for the past 6 months and you are aware enough of her feelings to know she will want an answer and she is concerned about her weight. Take this knowledge and hopefully what you found most helpful from these responses and rip off the band-aid. The conversation may not even play out how you think it will and agonizing over it may just end up prolonging it. I hope you both find happiness.
posted by VyanSelei at 11:23 PM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure why it takes six whole months to decide you're not *physically* attracted to someone, but consider how unfair it is to date someone who has features you are evidently repulsed by (judging from how detailed you get about how she's fat and flawed basically) when that someone is a mid-30s or older woman whose fertility clock is ticking, etc. before you decide to date another women you're not attracted to because she is a good woman with a pulse and you're lonely (how I'm interpreting your post). That is a hell of a lot of time for many kids/marriage-minded women in her age range who you know you're not into.
If you're worried you're going to slip and say something about her weight or appearance against your better judgment, reflect on your own physical flaws (we've all got them, but unlike men many women are socialized to overlook their partners physical flaws and men tend to overestimate their own attractiveness according to research I've read) and how much it would hurt if she turned the tables on you.
For eg, I was once dumped by a partner when I broke a leg and gained some weight while immobilized, and he let it slip he was no longer physically attracted. In a moment of petty anger I (regrettably) detailed everything I found unattractive about him from bald head to eczema on down, and revealed I was not at all attracted when we initially met. He was obviously shocked and very very hurt and it was very clear to me he'd never considered I'd noticed these physical shortcomings even while he was so focused on mine.
I'd encourage you to picture a scenario like that as a deterrent in case you fear you'll betray your real feelings
posted by shaademaan at 12:22 AM on February 1, 2020 [27 favorites]
If you're worried you're going to slip and say something about her weight or appearance against your better judgment, reflect on your own physical flaws (we've all got them, but unlike men many women are socialized to overlook their partners physical flaws and men tend to overestimate their own attractiveness according to research I've read) and how much it would hurt if she turned the tables on you.
For eg, I was once dumped by a partner when I broke a leg and gained some weight while immobilized, and he let it slip he was no longer physically attracted. In a moment of petty anger I (regrettably) detailed everything I found unattractive about him from bald head to eczema on down, and revealed I was not at all attracted when we initially met. He was obviously shocked and very very hurt and it was very clear to me he'd never considered I'd noticed these physical shortcomings even while he was so focused on mine.
I'd encourage you to picture a scenario like that as a deterrent in case you fear you'll betray your real feelings
posted by shaademaan at 12:22 AM on February 1, 2020 [27 favorites]
If you were in love with her, she would become beautiful to you. There is no "reason" you're not in love with her; it's not a competition where the highest achiever across 4 criteria "wins". You may not know what exact combination of traits will lead to you being in love with someone, or will lead to someone being in love with her; all you know is that this time, it's not a match.
posted by amtho at 1:57 AM on February 1, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by amtho at 1:57 AM on February 1, 2020 [8 favorites]
It’s not lying to say that your really enjoy her company and think she’s a great person, but just haven’t fallen in love and don’t see the relationship working long term. It really doesn’t matter if the reason for that is physical or because she has terrible taste in TV, it’s the real reason you want to break up and what you should tell her.
posted by DoubleLune at 3:33 AM on February 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by DoubleLune at 3:33 AM on February 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Ursula Hitler's story (thank you for sharing that) reminded me of a person I once dated for way too long who told me that he stayed in the relationship after wanting out, because breaking up meant I would be hurt, and specifically hurt because of him; and he could not stand the thought of knowing there was someone out there in the world who thought of him in a negative way.
He did not want to sully his perception of himself as a nice, good guy, so he stayed. 'NO ONE CAN THINK I AM A BAD GUY, IF THEY DO EVERY DAY IS RUINED FOR ME, FML.'
I was astonished. Could someone actually be this self-absorbed? Not only to feel this way, but to tell me?? Reader, he was.
I add this in the hopes that it may be helpful to consider whether your motives might be clouded in a similar manner (not suggesting that they are); but just to say, there is no pain-free way to handle this. She will be hurt, full stop. She will likely think of you negatively for a while, but eventually, time and space will do their work and things will be better. Getting to that spot is the most important thing.
Avoiding the pain is delaying the healing. She deserves to start getting over you as soon as possible. So don't let your worries over being a pain-inflicter get in your way. Follow SallyBrown's exceptionally wise words above; good luck to you.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 4:52 AM on February 1, 2020 [17 favorites]
He did not want to sully his perception of himself as a nice, good guy, so he stayed. 'NO ONE CAN THINK I AM A BAD GUY, IF THEY DO EVERY DAY IS RUINED FOR ME, FML.'
I was astonished. Could someone actually be this self-absorbed? Not only to feel this way, but to tell me?? Reader, he was.
I add this in the hopes that it may be helpful to consider whether your motives might be clouded in a similar manner (not suggesting that they are); but just to say, there is no pain-free way to handle this. She will be hurt, full stop. She will likely think of you negatively for a while, but eventually, time and space will do their work and things will be better. Getting to that spot is the most important thing.
Avoiding the pain is delaying the healing. She deserves to start getting over you as soon as possible. So don't let your worries over being a pain-inflicter get in your way. Follow SallyBrown's exceptionally wise words above; good luck to you.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 4:52 AM on February 1, 2020 [17 favorites]
Others have given great advice above. I'll address specifically your concern about hemming and hawing: the way to lie convincingly if you can't outright make a false statement is to make true statements you believe, and let the listener draw a false conclusion.
I don't know quite how to apply this to your situation, because I've never broken up with a woman for this reason, but can you say something like, "I know you're sensitive about your weight and I have seen how poorly people treat you sometimes because of it. I don't know how to reassure you except to say, it hasn't taken me six months to notice your weight. This was how you looked on our first date, and we've had many more since because I was, and am, attracted to you."
Literally practice saying this last bit emphatically in front of a mirror. It's not a lie: it is clear from your post that you are drawn to this woman emotionally and intellectually.
Then pivot back to how you don't feel like you can say you love her and it's time to let her find someone who can.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 6:52 AM on February 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
I don't know quite how to apply this to your situation, because I've never broken up with a woman for this reason, but can you say something like, "I know you're sensitive about your weight and I have seen how poorly people treat you sometimes because of it. I don't know how to reassure you except to say, it hasn't taken me six months to notice your weight. This was how you looked on our first date, and we've had many more since because I was, and am, attracted to you."
Literally practice saying this last bit emphatically in front of a mirror. It's not a lie: it is clear from your post that you are drawn to this woman emotionally and intellectually.
Then pivot back to how you don't feel like you can say you love her and it's time to let her find someone who can.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 6:52 AM on February 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
It’s not lying to say that your really enjoy her company and think she’s a great person, but just haven’t fallen in love
This strikes me as both true and kind.
posted by Miko at 7:33 AM on February 1, 2020 [5 favorites]
This strikes me as both true and kind.
posted by Miko at 7:33 AM on February 1, 2020 [5 favorites]
This was how you looked on our first date, and we've had many more since because I was, and am, attracted to you.
No, he can’t say something like that, because the whole point is that he’s not attracted to her.
I clicked on the Miko link and her anecdote had a nice script. But I think brevity is called for here, the same way it is when handing in a resignation to a job you’re happy to quit. You don’t air your grievances, you just say, “You know what, I’m really sorry but we’ve been dating for 6 months, and this relationship just isn’t working out for me. You’re a great person, but I’m not feeling the spark, so I’m afraid it’s time to break up.” Prior to this conversation, get your stuff out of their place and clean up the loose ends. Don’t stick around to have a long, drawn-out justification session. Get out, go home, delete their number, done.
There is really no amount of explanation or rehashing that will ever satisfy a person who was dumped. Even if you told them the pure, unvarnished truth to their face, they will still create a narrative for themselves that is completely out of your control. However they decide to deal with the news is also out of your control. So don’t draw it out, and don’t create an elaborate story to explain your reasoning. Tell them the most honest and brief thing that centers entirely on YOUR failures (e.g. “this isn’t working because I’m a certain way, not because you are”) that gets you back in your car in 20 minutes.
It’s only been 6 months, and you’re not going to ruin this person’s life. They’ll be fine.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:37 AM on February 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
No, he can’t say something like that, because the whole point is that he’s not attracted to her.
I clicked on the Miko link and her anecdote had a nice script. But I think brevity is called for here, the same way it is when handing in a resignation to a job you’re happy to quit. You don’t air your grievances, you just say, “You know what, I’m really sorry but we’ve been dating for 6 months, and this relationship just isn’t working out for me. You’re a great person, but I’m not feeling the spark, so I’m afraid it’s time to break up.” Prior to this conversation, get your stuff out of their place and clean up the loose ends. Don’t stick around to have a long, drawn-out justification session. Get out, go home, delete their number, done.
There is really no amount of explanation or rehashing that will ever satisfy a person who was dumped. Even if you told them the pure, unvarnished truth to their face, they will still create a narrative for themselves that is completely out of your control. However they decide to deal with the news is also out of your control. So don’t draw it out, and don’t create an elaborate story to explain your reasoning. Tell them the most honest and brief thing that centers entirely on YOUR failures (e.g. “this isn’t working because I’m a certain way, not because you are”) that gets you back in your car in 20 minutes.
It’s only been 6 months, and you’re not going to ruin this person’s life. They’ll be fine.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:37 AM on February 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Just write a short email that says the things people suggest above then say you are cutting off contact and stop responding. I know that sounds cruel but it is a thousand times less cruel than having a conversation where you can’t control your ability to either chicken out or blurt something hurtful.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:11 AM on February 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:11 AM on February 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
So much terrific advice above and I want to add--it is very likely because she does have weight-related issues that she's expressed to you--that she won't believe you.
That's why it's really important to practice this and assume she will ask if it's because of her weight and it's your obligation to assure her it has nothing to do with that--
but be prepared that she may not believe you.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 10:39 AM on February 1, 2020
That's why it's really important to practice this and assume she will ask if it's because of her weight and it's your obligation to assure her it has nothing to do with that--
but be prepared that she may not believe you.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 10:39 AM on February 1, 2020
Next time, it could be worth considering if you need to *start* seeing someone who's overweight, if that's an issue for you.
posted by j_curiouser at 11:22 AM on February 1, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by j_curiouser at 11:22 AM on February 1, 2020 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by tmdonahue at 4:59 PM on January 31, 2020 [43 favorites]