Not feeling the groove after roadbump in hobby / life dream

January 28, 2020 1:06 PM

I am an unpublished fiction writer who is lucky enough to have an agent who supports me. Last year, we sent my book to editors, but I wasn't able to sign a book deal. That's okay! It happens a lot to a ton of writers! But I've noticed a significant change in my ability to focus and write in the last year, and I'm struggling with guilt.

Being A Writer has been my primary identity for a few years. I worked hard on my first book, was thrilled to land an agent, and went into submission (sending book to editors) with what I thought were reasonable expectations. When I didn't sell, I tried not to get too down — but I did have a long period where my mental health was really, really crappy.

This isn't a question about feeling bad about failure. I know failure is common in creative fields and I'm working on something new that me and my agent are really excited about! But it's been SLOW. I used to be a fast writer. I used to write every evening, with enthusiasm. Weekends were for writing. And now... it's all changed. I'm lucky to get in an hour a day, and some days I just have no interest. (Some days I do have a lot of interest in writing but it happens much more rarely.)

I'm plodding along, but it's soooooo slow. I feel like my enthusiasm for writing has gone from 110% to 50%. And I feel like that means I'm not a "real writer" anymore (anyone who has dabbled in fiction writing knows the belief/saying that "a real writer writes every day") and I worry that I'm losing my passion because writing is harder and less enjoyable now.

I still want to be a writer! I still want to publish a book! But my drive is so much lower, and I worry that this is something I need to fix. Except... my mental health is so much better. I actually RELAX now. Weekends are for fun! I don't feel guilty about seeing my friends! I'm caught up on some TV shows and reading and other hobbies I never watched/read/did because I was writing all the time. My husband and I are talking about having kids and buying a house and I'm applying for jobs and I'm excited about all these changes...

...and I feel SO GUILTY because if I'm not my passion, what am I? Can you be a creative person if you're not insistently devoted to your creative activity? Is my decreased enthusiasm a sign that I'm sure to be a failure?

I know a lot of this is a question for a therapist, but I would love advice from people who have overcome guilt about diminished interest in their primary passion after a big hurdle and trying to fit that into one's life when it doesn't feel as important anymore.

posted by good day merlock to Grab Bag (14 answers total)

Before I tried to sell my photography at art fairs, if you asked anybody what I was into, they'd say photography.

After i tried to sell my photography at art fairs, I only take smartphone snaps of vacations and sunsets.
posted by notsnot at 1:24 PM on January 28, 2020 [6 favorites]

I don't think there's anything wrong in taking a break, having some life. If you're happier without what sounds like a near obsessional writing career, maybe it's better. Only you can know.
posted by tmdonahue at 1:45 PM on January 28, 2020 [1 favorite]

my mental health is so much better. I actually RELAX now. Weekends are for fun! I don't feel guilty about seeing my friends! I'm caught up on some TV shows and reading and other hobbies I never watched/read/did because I was writing all the time. My husband and I are talking about having kids and buying a house and I'm applying for jobs and I'm excited about all these changes...

--

if I'm not my passion, what am I?

It would appear that you're a lot more than your passion. Look at all that stuff.


Can you be a creative person if you're not insistently devoted to your creative activity?

Absolutely yes, creativity can be an avocation. There's no reason it has to be an all-or-nothing deal.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:54 PM on January 28, 2020 [9 favorites]

I am a full-time sf writer who makes a living off novels, and you know what my goal in 2020 is? To spend LESS time writing, and MORE time doing things that bring me joy (in my case, fencing and watercolor painting). Being a novelist is not a corporate job. You don't get bonus points for sitting in the chair eight hours a day producing/editing words (unless, of course, that's what makes you happy!). You especially don't get bonus points for burning out because you're unhappy--and let me tell you, a writing career trajectory that makes you miserable may work short-term but is long-term unsustainable, and good mental health is MUCH more important than one book. Based on this principle, I have arranged my life/output so I spend only two hours a day on actual writing (although sometimes I have to deal with administrivia as well) so that I can spend the rest of my time on things that are fun.

If you need an internet stranger's permission to enjoy your life, you have it! Your writing career does not have to look like some other person's writing career to be equally valid and worthwhile. You might be the kind of writer who needs some down time in order to think, or refill your well of enthusiasm, or to rest--that's a question only you can answer for yourself. The main thing is, do what works for you, let go of the guilt if you can, and write in the way that is working for you. You've completed a book and you have an agent--these are fantastic achievements and you should be proud of them. Write the book in the time it takes, whether that's fast or slow. Good luck!
posted by yhlee at 2:17 PM on January 28, 2020 [10 favorites]

When I'm feeling like I've lost my connection with The Thing, I'll take a vacation where I focus on other people's awesome contributions to The Thing. You get to decide how long a vacation is.

For instance (and aligned with your situation), I became super disillusioned with writing about 5 years ago, I took the initial "Now I am just going to bingewatch nonsense and podcast" time, but then I started focusing on reading things that made me love writing in the first place.

I dug all the way back to my youth and went from there. After that I started reading new things and things out of my comfort zone and nonfiction, etc. When I finally came back to writing, I did it by joining a writing class- because it was small assignments that gave me deadlines & accountability to remind my brain how that feels-- I found my writing was not only better for all of the reading I'd done, but writing and people's responses to my writing re-lit the fire for me.

I've done the same thing with artwork, etc.

Go find the best of what humanity has done. Go find the things that made you love it in the first place and throw them a month, year, etc. long celebration. Then come back and make your mark so someone in the future can celebrate you when they need inspiration :)
posted by haplesschild at 2:19 PM on January 28, 2020 [5 favorites]

Well, it's nearly 10 days since I last recommended this on AskMe, so it's time I did it again!

Have a watch of Liz Gilbert's TED talk on creativity. It's about fitting creativity into your life alongside being a human being who has other things to do, about the importance of looking after your mental health while grappling with a creative life, not letting your work take over your life or identity, not letting your work become damaging to you.

You might particularly like her podcast on similar themes, where she speaks to a succession of 'ordinary' people who are trying to have a creative life alongside doing other things and are stuck for one reason or another. If nothing else, you'll learn that you're far from alone. There's a book too, though I've not read it.
posted by penguin pie at 3:27 PM on January 28, 2020 [5 favorites]

Since my retirement I've written/co-written 6 published books (non-fiction). Being published was not the life changing event I thought it would be altho I'd dreamt of writing a book since elementary school.

That statement is not much compensation for giving up your dream, but I'm just saying there are steps in writing a book:

Finishing a manuscript
Getting an agent
Getting a publisher, copy editing, page proofing, getting a box of a few finished copies of your book (The first time, really exciting!)
Getting one or more reviews
Selling some copies, hopefully, many copies
Writing a second book

So many steps that may not complete. Hey, you got an agent! I got through reviews, selling a very few copies (my royalties not worth the same as pay from McDonalds for the same number of hours as I spent on the book) and writing more books that got published. And so?

Hey, but I'm retired. What else would I do?
posted by tmdonahue at 4:19 PM on January 28, 2020 [1 favorite]

I think writers get too obsessed with phrases like "real writers write every day", and it sort of sounds like you may be a little hung up with defining where you stand in terms of how to label yourself. And, yes, maybe you're lost on how to apply your time and feel like you're contributing to society, or simply challenging yourself. But, you're right -- maybe a therapist will help. Until then, here are variety of suggestions that may help:
-Find and join a writer's group where discussion of stories and projects and purpose all come up, along with fighting writer's block. These groups also sometimes will speak at events, or promote writing itself (via their clubs) at fairs... in short, an opportunity to be a writer outside of writing.
-Go research stuff. Maybe you have a loose idea for a story that could benefit from reading a book about a possible location, character, or other element, or even a trip to a library. Even if the research leads nowhere, it will get your brain flexing.
-Go for long hikes to clear your mind and get your endorphins going. This is my solution for just about everything, because it never hurts.
posted by Unsomnambulist at 6:58 PM on January 28, 2020 [1 favorite]

Right now you're way farther along than 98% of aspiring writers. (I have an MFA and never got an agent, so I am part of the 98%.) One way to think about this: To date you have been on a huge hot streak. It may not feel that way, because you haven't sold your book yet, but you've been writing in a way that very few people are able to do.

It might have felt, in that moment, like that was your baseline and you were going to be able to keep writing like that indefinitely, but it's likelier, given how great you've done so far, that you're going to have some periods where you fall to your baseline, which is maybe lower than that right now, or even fall below baseline. Your ability to write isn't a steady state.

So keep at it—just speaking as a member of that 98%, seriously keep at it and don't stop and think you'll pick it up later if it's valuable to you—but don't expect it to always work as well as it did when you were doing something that almost nobody is able to do. Eventually you'll get back there, or at least back toward there; some part of that will be on you to keep working hard (though maybe not as hard as you did then!) and thinking about writing, but some of that is also a fluke, in the same way that a .300 hitter sometimes goes 2-15 over a weekend and sometimes goes 9-15.
posted by Polycarp at 6:58 PM on January 28, 2020 [4 favorites]

Science Fiction and fantasy writer here.
Lots of excellent advice here already.
Something to consider. By far the toughest thing about writing is maintaining momentum. When I struggle, it's because of 3 reasons. 1) I'm physically or mentally exhausted and need to rest or recharge 2) Life is getting in the way and I need to either improve my time management or take a break until writing is possible again 3) Something is wrong with the writing project itself but I'm trying to power through without fixing the problem. There's a plot hole, character inconsistency, story structure issue, or maybe I'm no longer excited by the story.
I find that it takes me ages to realise that there is a problem with the writing itself, that my subconscious is telling me to stop and deal with before I can get back to the usual pace of writing.
Writing is tough. I read somewhere that it's a lot like surfing. Lots of effort while you paddle out, trying to avoid being dumped by the waves, positioning yourself for when a good wave comes along. The exhilaration of riding the wave. Then you have to paddle out again.

There's a lot of macho advice about writing, given more to bolster the ego of the person giving the advice than to be truly helpful. "Real writers can't bear not to write" and "Real writers write every day." So much macho nonsense.

Bottom line is, if writing advice makes you want to give up or makes you doubt you are a "real" writer, then that advice is bad advice for the person you are, in the situation you are.

Good luck!
posted by Zumbador at 8:02 PM on January 28, 2020 [5 favorites]

So in my twenties I was making it as a freelance writer (feature articles, interviews and reviews). I was so proud of myself! I could call myself a "writer" and it was my actual job! Amazing! I had proven myself!

Except I wasn't really happy. It was brutally hard work, I was constantly broke. Was always pushing myself. Still found myself getting pissy at people who I felt called themselves "writers" but were not. I quit, took up a corporate life, have never looked back, don't call myself a writer and am totally happy, much happier than when I was a "writer".

Because I, like everyone, am much more than a title. I had been using that sobriquet as an inappropriate synonym of my self worth. If I'm a writer, than I must be smart, creative, better. I was worth more in my and others' eyes.

You know what? Nobody cares if you're a writer, or an admin assistant or a zookeeper or whatever. You can and will still be all those great adjectives without being a writer. Furthermore, being a "writer" encompasses myriad ways of being and doing. The pressure you're feeling is entirely internally sourced.

I've spent years trying not to flagellate myself based on what I think I, or the type of person I want to be, should be doing. It doesn't help at all, and just leads to misery.

Be the person you are. A person who writes, who loves their partner and other hobbies and contains multitudes. Your ideas of what being a writer entails are like a Dorian Grey portrait; it's hard, and unforgiving. Let that go. You are still a writer, and even if you stop being a writer, you are still you: you're bigger than a label.
Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 9:33 PM on January 28, 2020 [2 favorites]

I find this message (here, in comic form) from Ira Glass really great for explaining these feelings.
posted by caoimhe at 2:44 AM on January 29, 2020 [1 favorite]

My first book was published in 2005 and my ninth book comes out this year. In the 15 years between, there have been times of intense, can't-leave-my-keyboard activity, as well as times when every word felt like a pulled tooth.

For a long time, I thought of those as two separate categories. When I was churning out two thousand words a day, I was a legitimate writer. When I wasn't, I was some kind of failure.

What finally helped was a bit of math. The average typing speed is 40 words per minute. The average novel length is (very roughly) 100,000 words. So, if you work 40 hours a week, you ought to be able to write about 50 novels a year. Even if you spend two-thirds of your time rewriting, you ought to be able to write 15 novels per year.

Nobody in history has ever written 15 novels in a year.

Which means that no writer in history has ever been able to sit down and write constantly. Everybody has to take time to think and to live.

Or to put it more concisely:

Writing isn't typing.

Once I understood that, I finally realized that the dry days and the productive days weren't two separate things. They were two phases of the same process. The days where the writing flowed were possible specifically because, on the days that felt wasted, my subconscious mind had been hard at work. I'm now a lot more relaxed about the days (or weeks, or months...) where the words aren't coming.

Obviously you can take this too far, and it can become an excuse for endless procrastination. Personally, I find it useful to check in with a project frequently and at least try to write every weekday-- it seems to keep my subconscious focused on the subject. But where that balance lies is different for every writer, and is something you'll eventually figure out for yourself.

In short, what you're experiencing is perfectly normal for a professional-level writer. But I want to add one other thing:

It's also OK not to be a professional. You don't earn the right to do creative stuff by doing it a certain number of hours per week (let alone by doing it for pay). You earn the right to do creative stuff by being born a human being.

So if writing less makes you feel like a happier human, than for heaven's sake, write less! If it ends up recharging your batteries and a year from now, your next novel pours out, that's a bonus-- but if it makes you happier now, that's the only reason you need for it.
posted by yankeefog at 8:20 AM on January 30, 2020 [2 favorites]

Hey OP, I am you or have been you many, many times in the past.

What I can speak best to is this problem many of us creatives struggle with, of tying our identities as Writers (or Filmmakers or Artists or etc), to either (1) constant productivity, and/or (2) external validation and success. Now that I’m typing it out, I can see that both markers are determined by market logic — you must first produce, and then sell what you produce, or else you are not a Writer. I think this is certainly a *societally* proscribed way to be a writer, but it’s not the only way.

I’ve been writing on and off throughout my life, sometimes with years-long breaks between periods of writing, most notably a three (!) year gap while I was in grad school. I also felt a lot of guilt for not writing during these times. I have also not yet published (at least not fiction). I started submitting short pieces for publication last year and was roundly rejected, even though I felt that the quality of my stuff was the highest it’s ever been in my life!

Through this process, what I’ve learned is that you are a writer if you write. You don’t have to be constantly writing to qualify. You don't have to publish. You don’t have to jump through this or that hoop, or get a degree, or perform pirouettes in the way they tell you when really you’re more into rollerskating. You just have to (regularly, semi-regularly, occasionally — whatever your pace) do the work. That’s it.

I guess what I’m saying is that it’s important to reject the untrue narratives we’ve been fed — the bad stuff about how we’re not “real” if we don’t do X, Y, Z — and focus on what keeps our passion going. For me, what helps is remembering my love for the process — the entrancement, concentration, sense of beauty, and deep fulfillment I get out of writing; keeping up the work even when it is a slog, because working will invariably lead to moments of breakthrough and flow; and being apart of a close-knit writing group. When I write something that my writing group loves, it’s incredibly satisfying. Just to have moved a single person with my writing, or made them laugh, makes me so, so happy.

As for relaxing and having a life and other interests, this is completely A-OK! You are doing good. It is totally natural to have fallow periods. All creatives go through this. Don’t feel bad because you’re not living up to some impossible capitalist maxim of productivity. If anything, it’s probably good for your creative projects for you to be well-rested, and for you to have interesting experiences outside of the writing cloister. These will keep you mentally healthy, *and* they’ll be good fertilizer for ideas.

I have sympathy for your predicament though and I get why you’re in it. It must be very hard to work so hard and then not get the results you feel would validate all the time and energy you’ve put into the project. As an overachiever, that would drive me up the wall too, and probably massively undercut my motivation to keep pursuing the project. But, as I’m getting older, I’m slowly learning to decouple my self-worth from shiny trophies, accolades, and other external measures of success. Wow! Crazy idea, I know.

Feel free to memail me if you’d like to discuss. I love having writing buddies to chat with about this crazy pursuit we’ve dedicated our lives to. :-) It’s part of being in community. We keep each other sane.
posted by zestful at 11:26 AM on February 1, 2020 [1 favorite]