How to recover from an emotionally abusive relationship

January 18, 2020 2:25 AM

I just realized my relationship was probably abusive last week and ended it, and now I'm reeling. Help

So some background. Apologies for the length, feel free to just skip to the questions at the end.

I was in this relationship for over a year, and while we were together over the holidays, there were several incidents of him yelling at me out of the blue for innocuous actions he perceived as aggressive (think accidentally dropping something that he thought was on purpose), making demeaning comments, and laughing at me when I was annoyed at him. When I tried to talk to him about this, he tried to justify the behavior based on my actions and acted like it was normal, and only really apologized and promised to change after he realized how serious I was, and even then left an out, saying he'd try but I couldn't expect him to be perfect (nevermind that we still spent most of the conversation talking about his issues with me and that he started with a monologue about how my inability to understand subtleties in French is the source of our miscommunications/problems, something he knows I'm insecure about). The next day I tried to talk about our problems with arguing well and my problems with his reaction, and he complained I go back over the same argument too much, the ending is hazy to me, which is how I feel when I look back on a lot of arguments we've had. Then our last night together, he started a conversation about how it was soo fatiguing having so many arguments the last 3 days of our trip for him.

So when I finally got home, I looked up the 'Why does he do that?' book, since he recently decided to go no contact with his verbally abusive father. Then I realized it was actually about couples, and the excerpt spoke to me about my relationship, so I read the whole book. So I ended up breaking up with him (over email, ug), and his series of replies was like a case study in manipulation (seriously, is there a manual?), including that he felt emotionally abused by me, how did my mind change so suddenly, when had I stopped loving him, that he's horrible and I'm better off without him, etc, etc

This all made me reexamine and question my whole relationship. I had always been concerned that we fought way more than any previous relationship, but thought it was communication problems, and had tried lots of things to improve that. But now I suddenly realized that maybe all our arguments were a feature and not a bug for my partner. He somewhat often would start a fight or get extremely hurt over what I would call a mild inconsideration on my part (think, sitting down somewhere where there wasn't space for him too, not waiting for him while he stopped to pee on the way home and I was in a lot of pain). And sometimes he would say very hurtful or cruel things during fights too.

But the rest of the time he is this extremely thoughtful, considerate, supportive person, who did so much to help me when I had a serious injury and couldn't do a lot on my own. He is happy to go out of his way for me, makes me feel loved and appreciated, listens to me, cares about me. Though he could be a little controlling too, mostly as a result of his insecurities, not wanting me to be too close to the edge of a cliff, things like that. And sometimes I felt like he felt a little 'owed' for all he did for me and didn't feel like I expressed that I cared for him enough. Part of me still wants to get back together, but I set 3 months of no contact, and have enforced that boundary with him. I hope I'll feel better/differently in the future, but I still feel so confused. Has this been emotionally abusive the whole time and I'm just now realizing it because he escalated?

Resources I have currently:
-Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft (this was the book that helped me realize the situation and end it)
-Captain Awkward (for example, this post has been helpful, but links to others welcome since there is so much in the archives I have a hard time searching for what's applicable to my situation)
-long-distance friends I've been reaching out to, which gave me the courage to end it
-local friend/acquaintances, I've been trying to be more social but also unemployed and job-hunting so likely moving sometime in the near future

Questions:
-what was helpful to you about understanding this subtle kind of emotional abuse and moving on from it and thinking about being in a relationship again? (like I think I spent to much time trying to understand his perspective, but that's a good thing in a healthy relationship) so much I read online seems to be about things that are so much more clearly abuse, and not this confusing, hard-to-explain behavior
-how does accessing therapy in France work? (links in French fine, I'm pretty fluent, just feeling exhausted right now to try to search and sort through information in French)
-I live in a small city in France, so I don't think I can find an English-speaking therapist, thoughts on how useful therapy in your non-native language is? Or better to try to find some kind of internet option?
-what do you even ask/talk about in therapy? I feel like it would be good for me, but not sure what I'd say
-any other advice that might be useful to be, I feel like I'm walking around in the fog and don't know where to go

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (5 answers total)

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, but huge props to you for taking this step and putting yourself first. I can only really speak to this part of your question:

-what do you even ask/talk about in therapy? I feel like it would be good for me, but not sure what I'd say

That can vary depending on the therapist. There are some who'll just sit and wait for you to talk, some who'll prompt you more, be more inclined to make suggestions to you, etc. So it's usual to start out with a 'trial session' to see if their method seems to suit you. A common Ask recommendation is to print out your question and show it to your therapist - given that you'll be getting therapy in another language, you could instead use it as the basis to write a French version of the most important points around what has happened, how you're feeling, what your concerns are, and that'll provide a start point. It lets you get some important information across without breaking down in tears at the first sentence. You don't need to go into therapy with a clear idea of how the whole thing's going to pan out - that's what the sessions are for. It will unfold. Best of luck.
posted by penguin pie at 5:32 AM on January 18, 2020 [1 favorite]

Expat Nest provides therapy via Skype sessions. Vivian is French I think, and fluent in English - and very very good.
posted by jrobin276 at 7:26 AM on January 18, 2020

I found Captain Awkward's answers to readers with questions about irritable partners who complain constantly about the other person's behavior relevant to your situation. Regardless of whether you decide his behavior was emotional abuse, there's always this Captain Awkward classic:

"It’s time to apply the Sheelzebub Principle, namely, if things stayed exactly like they are and nothing got better, how long would you stay? It’s already been bad for five years, so, would you stay another year? Another 5 years? Another 10? The rest of your life?"

1) People often balk at the word ‘abuse’ to describe their partner’s nasty and controlling behaviors at first, so it’s normal if your first reaction to reading this post is “Well it’s not THAT bad” or “I wouldn’t call it THAT” or “Those services are for people in Real Trouble, my husband is just a little cranky sometimes!” In my opinion the way he resents the things you do away from him PLUS the overly-critical behavior crosses the line, and the fact that your question was framed as “how is this my fault/how do I change myself because someone else is being horrible to me” is the textbook indicator, but you can still call places like The Hotline and get help even if you’re not sure, it doesn’t have to be life-or-death yet, you can still invoke all the help in the world to get away from an “unhealthy” situation or one that is making you unhappy and stressed, ok?
posted by spamandkimchi at 11:33 AM on January 18, 2020 [3 favorites]

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for several years (and I've had some other quite bad experiences with men, including sexual assault). What ended up finally helping me leave and stay gone was pretty much the polar opposite of the standard advice involving therapy and journaling and talking to friends. YMMV and please disregard this if it doesn't speak to you, but I want to present it here as an alternative.

Like you, I was absolutely obsessed with analyzing every piece of his behaviour, figuring out his motivations, who was wrong, how could we fix this, does he have a mental illness, do I, etc. Etc. I was stuck in that place for years. It never helped at all. I would break up (including at one point getting my own place) and get sucked back in again. No matter how much ruminating I did, I never figured out any answers, and the behaviour that was hurtful never changed. Ruminating kept me in the cycle of abuse and kept me returning to him.

If you're inclined towards depression as I am, know that ruminating is a symptom of it. The antidote is action, not more ruminating.

What actually helped was a total break. Not just no contact (although that was important), but no ruminating. Ruminating would just lead me back to contact with him. With respect to mefites who believe deeply in therapy, most therapy is in fact ruminative and for me, better left for a later stage of healing.

I moved across the country, didn't speak to him for months, absorbed myself with new people, places and thoughts. I did not journal, I did not therapize, I thought about him as little as possible. The no contact rule, IMO should also be not having emotional and mental contact with that person's residue in your own mind.

Much later, I finally opened the mental box labeled with his name, and slowly, from a better place in life, started sorting through it. I still sometimes do pull it out on occasion. Mostly now the things I think about when I go through this box and others are along the lines of "how can I protect myself from getting into this type of relationship again?" And "How can I come to another relationship from a place where I still extend myself, give the benefit of the doubt, and don't punish someone for my past bad experiences?". It's no longer really thinking about individual men per se, but about their effects on my life and how I can have the best chance of being happy and being my definition of a good person.

So, I'd like to gently suggest that in addition to getting the fuck away from this dude, you take a mental break too. Like any other addiction or obsession, you may not get better if you keep feeding it. Try putting all that energy into your own life. I ended up feeling such regret for all the time I wasted on my dude--not just the time we spent together, but the time I allowed him to absorb nearly all of my brain- and heart-power. Maybe set your rumination aside for now, knowing that you can always return to these questions later. You've done feeling and thinking and it didn't help, so maybe now try acting. Find new hobbies and friends. Become too busy for him or his ghost. When you feel inclined to sit in a therapist's office going over the same stuff for the 1000th time, or when you are inclined to sit down and write a novel's worth of rumination, consciously get up from the keyboard, take a walk, have a drink with a friend where you talk about everything in your lives other than him, start an art project, volunteer with a political campaign, foster a dog or cat, take a class, go to a meetup, anything other than wearing deeper grooves into your brain about him him him HIM.

You deserve to be rid of this guy. Good luck.
posted by nirblegee at 3:37 PM on January 18, 2020 [16 favorites]

Another book you might read is Healing from Hidden Abuse, it has a series of exercises that might help you think about things. It is not specific to romantic relationships but it does have a lot of useful information. The author, Shannon Thomas, is a therapist and in the book describes ways that therapists may miss emotional abuse.

You may also find writing by Shahida Arabi to be useful.

Emotional abuse twists your perspective and makes it difficult to see reality, particularly with a manipulative abuser. It will take time and patience for you to get out of the fog you are in, but you will get there. Be kind to yourself in the meantime, you have taken a very brave first step.
posted by arachnidette at 8:59 PM on January 18, 2020 [2 favorites]