Why did my girlfriend dump me out of the blue and how to cope?
January 11, 2020 6:06 AM Subscribe
I was hoping you might be able to give me some reassurance and help me understand a hugely upsetting situation. My girlfriend of about 9 months, who seemed totally into the relationship, dumped me very suddenly a few months ago and didn’t seem to be able or willing to give me any clarification.
I’m a queer woman in my late 20s and this was my first relationship with a girl. She’s about 2 years younger than me. I thought we were pretty stable and then out of the blue one day she came around, before we were meant to go out, and dumped me. I had literally sent her a sappy message minutes before. She wasn’t even able to look at me and expressed herself quite bluntly. The only explanation she gave was that she ‘loved me, but not in the way I wanted her to’ and when I said I loved her, she said that she loves ‘lots of people.’ I was so shocked at the time all I could ask if it was something I’d done wrong, to which she shook her head but said nothing else. Afterwards I sent a text asking for more clarification. She said she didn’t think she could give any but said she ended the relationship when it reached a point where she felt she’d have to be dishonest about her feelings to continue, and that she didn’t think it was a good idea to speak about it further. She’d offered friendship but in my shock and heartbreak I refused.
When we first met she made it clear she was absolutely smitten with me. We texted every day, went exclusive after about a month and a half. Throughout the relationship she was very attentive, buying little gifts and stuff, we saw each other lots and I met her friends. About 4 months in I told her I loved her and she said she felt the same.
We had slight tensions about ways of showing love - I can be quite sappy and into cutesy names whilst she found it cringey and was more into doing things for each other. She had also mentioned that she was afraid of intimacy and ‘not great at relationships’ (she’d never had anything over 6 months). She had elements of being quite nit picky and critical about other things, although it’s hard to tell if that was her or whether it’s just because I’m genuinely an ultra sensitive person. Also, she told me early on that she could see herself in an open relationship, but assured me that she wanted to be in this monogamous one because she wanted to be with me, and had been so desperate to date me (she definitely chased me which I guess might be a red flag).
Now I look back there were tensions, but I still think the breakup happened so abruptly. The month before we’d spent every weekend together and had gone on trips and it had been lovely. In the last few weeks I started to feel quite anxious, as it felt like we were bickering more, and there were these quite loaded, drawn out silences. A day or so before the relationship ended we’d been in bed together and she’d turned the light off without saying goodnight, and I had this real sense of unease that something was really amiss (when we broke up, she said that the following morning was when she knew she didn’t want to be with me anymore). I also felt confused as it felt like she wouldn’t let me into elements of her life, for example she was applying for something but wouldn’t tell me what it was and got kind of annoyed when I expressed that I found it weird that she wouldn’t tell me. I knew it was a bit rockier between us, but only a few months before she’d been telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me, and now she’s coldly staring at the floor and saying the opposite. I wondered whether I hadn’t been affectionate enough, for instance she was better at big gestures like buying flowers than I was. Or that I had been too defensive when I felt criticised. I also felt like she wanted me to be more expressive and articulate in intellectual conversations. It just feels so upsetting to have only had a few words as explanation and the fact she just sprung it on me and didn’t seem to try at all to work it out.
I am through the worst of the heartbreak but it was genuinely terrible and affected me physically as well as emotionally. I told her I was cutting ties and we haven’t spoken to each other since. I’ve seen her on dating apps and stuff and it looks like she’s going out a lot and having fun, whereas I just feel so miserable and confused. It was a short relationship but I felt very bonded to her and I’m so upset she would just drop me like this. It’s the second time I’ve been dumped in a relationship, along with some other horrible experiences, but I really felt with this one that there was genuine interest and a foundation for a relationship. She had been so kind to me throughout and I felt like she really cared.
My question I guess is what is your perspective on this situation? Has anything similar happened to you where someone has just changed their mind with no real reason? How can I tolerate the heartbreak and not internalise this and make it about my own shortcomings?
TLDR: girlfriend of 9 months dumped me abruptly because she didn’t feel the same way anymore. It had been my best relationship up until that point. How do I not let this affect my already low self esteem and what is your perspective on what has happened?
I’m a queer woman in my late 20s and this was my first relationship with a girl. She’s about 2 years younger than me. I thought we were pretty stable and then out of the blue one day she came around, before we were meant to go out, and dumped me. I had literally sent her a sappy message minutes before. She wasn’t even able to look at me and expressed herself quite bluntly. The only explanation she gave was that she ‘loved me, but not in the way I wanted her to’ and when I said I loved her, she said that she loves ‘lots of people.’ I was so shocked at the time all I could ask if it was something I’d done wrong, to which she shook her head but said nothing else. Afterwards I sent a text asking for more clarification. She said she didn’t think she could give any but said she ended the relationship when it reached a point where she felt she’d have to be dishonest about her feelings to continue, and that she didn’t think it was a good idea to speak about it further. She’d offered friendship but in my shock and heartbreak I refused.
When we first met she made it clear she was absolutely smitten with me. We texted every day, went exclusive after about a month and a half. Throughout the relationship she was very attentive, buying little gifts and stuff, we saw each other lots and I met her friends. About 4 months in I told her I loved her and she said she felt the same.
We had slight tensions about ways of showing love - I can be quite sappy and into cutesy names whilst she found it cringey and was more into doing things for each other. She had also mentioned that she was afraid of intimacy and ‘not great at relationships’ (she’d never had anything over 6 months). She had elements of being quite nit picky and critical about other things, although it’s hard to tell if that was her or whether it’s just because I’m genuinely an ultra sensitive person. Also, she told me early on that she could see herself in an open relationship, but assured me that she wanted to be in this monogamous one because she wanted to be with me, and had been so desperate to date me (she definitely chased me which I guess might be a red flag).
Now I look back there were tensions, but I still think the breakup happened so abruptly. The month before we’d spent every weekend together and had gone on trips and it had been lovely. In the last few weeks I started to feel quite anxious, as it felt like we were bickering more, and there were these quite loaded, drawn out silences. A day or so before the relationship ended we’d been in bed together and she’d turned the light off without saying goodnight, and I had this real sense of unease that something was really amiss (when we broke up, she said that the following morning was when she knew she didn’t want to be with me anymore). I also felt confused as it felt like she wouldn’t let me into elements of her life, for example she was applying for something but wouldn’t tell me what it was and got kind of annoyed when I expressed that I found it weird that she wouldn’t tell me. I knew it was a bit rockier between us, but only a few months before she’d been telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me, and now she’s coldly staring at the floor and saying the opposite. I wondered whether I hadn’t been affectionate enough, for instance she was better at big gestures like buying flowers than I was. Or that I had been too defensive when I felt criticised. I also felt like she wanted me to be more expressive and articulate in intellectual conversations. It just feels so upsetting to have only had a few words as explanation and the fact she just sprung it on me and didn’t seem to try at all to work it out.
I am through the worst of the heartbreak but it was genuinely terrible and affected me physically as well as emotionally. I told her I was cutting ties and we haven’t spoken to each other since. I’ve seen her on dating apps and stuff and it looks like she’s going out a lot and having fun, whereas I just feel so miserable and confused. It was a short relationship but I felt very bonded to her and I’m so upset she would just drop me like this. It’s the second time I’ve been dumped in a relationship, along with some other horrible experiences, but I really felt with this one that there was genuine interest and a foundation for a relationship. She had been so kind to me throughout and I felt like she really cared.
My question I guess is what is your perspective on this situation? Has anything similar happened to you where someone has just changed their mind with no real reason? How can I tolerate the heartbreak and not internalise this and make it about my own shortcomings?
TLDR: girlfriend of 9 months dumped me abruptly because she didn’t feel the same way anymore. It had been my best relationship up until that point. How do I not let this affect my already low self esteem and what is your perspective on what has happened?
I’m sorry this happened to you. This kind of out-of-the-blue dumping is so hard.
I had something similar happen to me with a close friend instead of a romantic relationship. It was and has been bewildering and very painful. The two connected things that have helped me the most are to remember that it’s her stuff, not my stuff that likely caused the fracturing of the friendship, and to stop myself as much as possible from continuing to overanalyze what may have led to the fracturing of the friendship. I can drive myself crazy rehashing, “Was it because I said this?” “Should I not have done that?” On a good day, I can take a deep breath, tell myself “you didn’t do
anything major wrong, this is her being irrational,” and let it go. (Other days, of course, it is nearly impossible to do that, so don’t beat yourself up if you can’t!)
This wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Something is up with her, and it super blows that you got caught up in it and hurt by it. Even if she had legitimate grievances, she could have brought them up constructively and you could have worked on them. Give yourself a big hug (and here are some from this internet stranger if you’d like them) and do your best to heal and move on. It’s a long process and it stinks. But this says nothing about you or your loveability - you are awesome and perfectly loveable the way you are.
posted by bananacabana at 6:38 AM on January 11, 2020 [8 favorites]
I had something similar happen to me with a close friend instead of a romantic relationship. It was and has been bewildering and very painful. The two connected things that have helped me the most are to remember that it’s her stuff, not my stuff that likely caused the fracturing of the friendship, and to stop myself as much as possible from continuing to overanalyze what may have led to the fracturing of the friendship. I can drive myself crazy rehashing, “Was it because I said this?” “Should I not have done that?” On a good day, I can take a deep breath, tell myself “you didn’t do
anything major wrong, this is her being irrational,” and let it go. (Other days, of course, it is nearly impossible to do that, so don’t beat yourself up if you can’t!)
This wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Something is up with her, and it super blows that you got caught up in it and hurt by it. Even if she had legitimate grievances, she could have brought them up constructively and you could have worked on them. Give yourself a big hug (and here are some from this internet stranger if you’d like them) and do your best to heal and move on. It’s a long process and it stinks. But this says nothing about you or your loveability - you are awesome and perfectly loveable the way you are.
posted by bananacabana at 6:38 AM on January 11, 2020 [8 favorites]
The worst thing about this hideous situation is that you are left desperate to figure out what happened, but the only person who knows what happened won't (maybe can't) say. It's perfectly sensible to want to learn from an experience that hurt you so that you can avoid having the same experience again, but that's not something you can do, here. You can try in the future to avoid people who are like this, but people who are like this deliberately conceal the fact that they are like this because if anyone knew, they'd find it difficult or impossible to find lovely, loving partners like you to bond with. So there it is: there's no avoiding these people, and there's nothing you could do differently next time, should you end up with one of these again, to get them to stay in love. Some people just are not meant for long-term close relationships but they either don't know that or don't want to admit it or they know it and admit it to themselves, but they like the "NRE" so much, they don't care that they're stomping on their partners' faces when they pull this bullshit out of the blue.
I like to think of it this way: looking for a partner is like shopping in a fireworks store. You can drive across the state line to Crazy Jimmy's Fireworks and lay down $2000 for the biggest, baddest, most lethal, most illegal-looking thing in the entire store, the thing that's so awesome it's all by itself in a locked cabinet with a million neon arrows pointing at it. You can buy that thing and take it home and gather all your friends and light the fuse, and... It's a dud.
She was just a dud, that's all. There's no way to tell looking at them, and you can do everything right and they still won't work. Follow the instructions on the package: Light fuse and get away. If the thing doesn't go off, get all the hell the way away. Take a little time to save up the dough, and then go back to Crazy Jimmy's and try again.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:58 AM on January 11, 2020 [6 favorites]
I like to think of it this way: looking for a partner is like shopping in a fireworks store. You can drive across the state line to Crazy Jimmy's Fireworks and lay down $2000 for the biggest, baddest, most lethal, most illegal-looking thing in the entire store, the thing that's so awesome it's all by itself in a locked cabinet with a million neon arrows pointing at it. You can buy that thing and take it home and gather all your friends and light the fuse, and... It's a dud.
She was just a dud, that's all. There's no way to tell looking at them, and you can do everything right and they still won't work. Follow the instructions on the package: Light fuse and get away. If the thing doesn't go off, get all the hell the way away. Take a little time to save up the dough, and then go back to Crazy Jimmy's and try again.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:58 AM on January 11, 2020 [6 favorites]
Best answer: This sounds so familiar to me, but from the other side.
I've done the same kind of thing so many times, and it took me literally decades to realize that while I love romance and I'm prone to sudden intense crushes, I am just not built for relationships. Everything you've described here is something I've actually done to get myself out of a relationship I probably shouldn't have started in the first place.
I would chase people I fell for until I "caught" them, and in during that process I would genuinely want to be with them -- but once the chase was over and it was time to actually be in a relationship, my interest would fizzle. I'd begin to feel all the places where our rough edges rubbed together and I'd feel stifled and uncomfortable. I'd be silent, or pick a fight, or pull back emotionally. I didn't know how to say what I was feeling -- or how to justify it, really, because I knew I was the one with the problem, I was the person whose feelings had abruptly changed. I just didn't know how or why they changed, and couldn't explain it, so I didn't know what else to do.
What I can tell you is that if your ex is anything like I was, it's truly not about you at all. She may be in the process of finding out things about herself that our culture doesn't really teach us. For me, it was that sometimes what I experience as a "crush" is actually just a desire for friendship and connection, and that trying to turn that into a romantic relationship is a great way to hurt two people.
I'm experienced enough with myself now to know that I'm a brand of ace. It took a long time to figure out because while I'm perfectly capable of romantic feelings and sexual attraction, it's all pretty abstract for me. I'm happy to experience it all at a fictional remove, but I don't really want it for myself, as a part of my day to day life. While I was sorting myself out, I was dangerous to a lot of people who cared about me, because I was extremely mistaken about what I wanted from them and generally didn't know that until it was too late to avoid breaking somebody's heart.
You said that she told you at the start that she was open to an open relationship, but cared about you so much she was willing to be monogamous with you. The fact that she's considering alternative kinds of relationships (open relationships) seems like a good indicator that she knows traditional relationship models aren't for her. She may just still be in the part of her life where she's learning that wanting someone a lot, even loving someone, doesn't mean she can change her own needs to match theirs.
If that's the case, she probably is feeling a lot better and having a lot more fun now that she's broken up with you. She's no longer trying to do a thing she's just not cut out to do. But again, that's not about you at all, and it doesn't mean she didn't really care about you.
The best way I can describe this from my side is that I somehow burned through my feelings for the other person by trying to experience them in the way all the romance novels told me I should. The discomfort I experienced trying to want what I was supposed to want, and do what I was supposed to do, became overwhelming. I wanted out of the relationship so badly I smothered the feelings that were keeping me in it, just so I could escape.
I'm really sorry that happened to you, and I just really want you to know that from what I've read here, this relationship ended because of her lack of self-awareness, not because of anything you did wrong. I'm sure I left behind a lot of people wondering what was wrong with them, and why I stopped loving them, and what they did to make me do that. I always knew I was at fault -- I even started trying to warn people up front, like it sounds like your ex did. At first, I assumed I was commitment-phobic, and I'm sure a lot of the people I emotionally ghosted over the years thought the same. But it turns out I'm completely capable of long-term commitment to people I love -- just not in the context of romantic relationships.
I haven't really ever said much of this out loud, even to myself, but your story really hit me hard. There's no way for me (or you) to know if any of this is relevant to your ex's situation. But on the off-chance that it is, I wanted you to know some of the things I wish I could have articulated to my own exes, back in the day. I thought it might help. I hope it does!
posted by invincible summer at 9:07 AM on January 11, 2020 [46 favorites]
I've done the same kind of thing so many times, and it took me literally decades to realize that while I love romance and I'm prone to sudden intense crushes, I am just not built for relationships. Everything you've described here is something I've actually done to get myself out of a relationship I probably shouldn't have started in the first place.
I would chase people I fell for until I "caught" them, and in during that process I would genuinely want to be with them -- but once the chase was over and it was time to actually be in a relationship, my interest would fizzle. I'd begin to feel all the places where our rough edges rubbed together and I'd feel stifled and uncomfortable. I'd be silent, or pick a fight, or pull back emotionally. I didn't know how to say what I was feeling -- or how to justify it, really, because I knew I was the one with the problem, I was the person whose feelings had abruptly changed. I just didn't know how or why they changed, and couldn't explain it, so I didn't know what else to do.
What I can tell you is that if your ex is anything like I was, it's truly not about you at all. She may be in the process of finding out things about herself that our culture doesn't really teach us. For me, it was that sometimes what I experience as a "crush" is actually just a desire for friendship and connection, and that trying to turn that into a romantic relationship is a great way to hurt two people.
I'm experienced enough with myself now to know that I'm a brand of ace. It took a long time to figure out because while I'm perfectly capable of romantic feelings and sexual attraction, it's all pretty abstract for me. I'm happy to experience it all at a fictional remove, but I don't really want it for myself, as a part of my day to day life. While I was sorting myself out, I was dangerous to a lot of people who cared about me, because I was extremely mistaken about what I wanted from them and generally didn't know that until it was too late to avoid breaking somebody's heart.
You said that she told you at the start that she was open to an open relationship, but cared about you so much she was willing to be monogamous with you. The fact that she's considering alternative kinds of relationships (open relationships) seems like a good indicator that she knows traditional relationship models aren't for her. She may just still be in the part of her life where she's learning that wanting someone a lot, even loving someone, doesn't mean she can change her own needs to match theirs.
If that's the case, she probably is feeling a lot better and having a lot more fun now that she's broken up with you. She's no longer trying to do a thing she's just not cut out to do. But again, that's not about you at all, and it doesn't mean she didn't really care about you.
The best way I can describe this from my side is that I somehow burned through my feelings for the other person by trying to experience them in the way all the romance novels told me I should. The discomfort I experienced trying to want what I was supposed to want, and do what I was supposed to do, became overwhelming. I wanted out of the relationship so badly I smothered the feelings that were keeping me in it, just so I could escape.
I'm really sorry that happened to you, and I just really want you to know that from what I've read here, this relationship ended because of her lack of self-awareness, not because of anything you did wrong. I'm sure I left behind a lot of people wondering what was wrong with them, and why I stopped loving them, and what they did to make me do that. I always knew I was at fault -- I even started trying to warn people up front, like it sounds like your ex did. At first, I assumed I was commitment-phobic, and I'm sure a lot of the people I emotionally ghosted over the years thought the same. But it turns out I'm completely capable of long-term commitment to people I love -- just not in the context of romantic relationships.
I haven't really ever said much of this out loud, even to myself, but your story really hit me hard. There's no way for me (or you) to know if any of this is relevant to your ex's situation. But on the off-chance that it is, I wanted you to know some of the things I wish I could have articulated to my own exes, back in the day. I thought it might help. I hope it does!
posted by invincible summer at 9:07 AM on January 11, 2020 [46 favorites]
She had also mentioned that she was afraid of intimacy and ‘not great at relationships’ (she’d never had anything over 6 months).
This had nothing to do with you. She was and is emotionally unavailable for long-term committed relationships. It's very likely she was getting more and more claustrophobic as things settled into a pattern after the initial chase, but she hid this from you for a variety of reasons. She desired the feeling of falling in love, but not the feeling of *being* in love.
One good principle I've found is that if someone tells you who they are early in a relationship, believe them. Even if (especially if) they tell you that their feelings for you have inspired them to change. That early desire for a romantic self-transformation inevitably wears off. People will only change if they want it for themselves, not for another person.
You may be feeling extra sensitive or prone to blaming yourself because it's your first relationship with a woman, but (speaking as a person who's been queer for a long time and been on both sides of this exact thing) this is not a situation you had any control over — or any ability to change.
posted by 100kb at 9:27 AM on January 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
This had nothing to do with you. She was and is emotionally unavailable for long-term committed relationships. It's very likely she was getting more and more claustrophobic as things settled into a pattern after the initial chase, but she hid this from you for a variety of reasons. She desired the feeling of falling in love, but not the feeling of *being* in love.
One good principle I've found is that if someone tells you who they are early in a relationship, believe them. Even if (especially if) they tell you that their feelings for you have inspired them to change. That early desire for a romantic self-transformation inevitably wears off. People will only change if they want it for themselves, not for another person.
You may be feeling extra sensitive or prone to blaming yourself because it's your first relationship with a woman, but (speaking as a person who's been queer for a long time and been on both sides of this exact thing) this is not a situation you had any control over — or any ability to change.
posted by 100kb at 9:27 AM on January 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
, but I still think the breakup happened so abruptly
It always does, like every death is sudden. or, if you like, like childbirth, it can be fast or slow but generally the longer it goes on the worse it feels. it's an event that can be postponed or hurried at some risk, but not denied. it happens when it has to happen.
one thing people get told when they ask for advice -- and this is GOOD advice, it's the only advice -- is that the worst thing you can do, once you've reached the point of wondering whether you should break up, which means you're going to break up, is not break up. They get told, Just do it. don't drag it out. this is because finding out that your partner was planning on breaking up with you long before they actually did it is the worst thing. Abrupt means they didn't stew about it for months, letting you feel helpless and crazy because you could tell something was wrong, but how could it be wrong, if it was that bad she'd have broken up with you and she hasn't, so your feelings must be paranoia, it must be in your head, making something out of nothing, but then why---
Abrupt is more thoughtful than it seems. though the last thing you should be doing is trying to convince yourself your ex was thoughtful, that won't help.
anyway it doesn't feel any better in the moment when you don't see it coming, but it does feel better in the months and years to come.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:44 AM on January 11, 2020 [9 favorites]
It always does, like every death is sudden. or, if you like, like childbirth, it can be fast or slow but generally the longer it goes on the worse it feels. it's an event that can be postponed or hurried at some risk, but not denied. it happens when it has to happen.
one thing people get told when they ask for advice -- and this is GOOD advice, it's the only advice -- is that the worst thing you can do, once you've reached the point of wondering whether you should break up, which means you're going to break up, is not break up. They get told, Just do it. don't drag it out. this is because finding out that your partner was planning on breaking up with you long before they actually did it is the worst thing. Abrupt means they didn't stew about it for months, letting you feel helpless and crazy because you could tell something was wrong, but how could it be wrong, if it was that bad she'd have broken up with you and she hasn't, so your feelings must be paranoia, it must be in your head, making something out of nothing, but then why---
Abrupt is more thoughtful than it seems. though the last thing you should be doing is trying to convince yourself your ex was thoughtful, that won't help.
anyway it doesn't feel any better in the moment when you don't see it coming, but it does feel better in the months and years to come.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:44 AM on January 11, 2020 [9 favorites]
invincible summer, thank you for writing that out. It is good to read an honest explanation. It's difficult to understand in the face of hurricane-force winds from the dominant romcom culture, that a-romantic and asexual are actually legit ways to be: people just ARE THIS WAY, and it's not that they're "phobic" or "lazy 'bout relationships" or just evil cheaters. But when it's impossible to say how you actually are out loud and be believed because everybody you might say it to was raised on fairy tales as were their parents and their parents before them, then it might not be possible to even know it in the first place. And then you have pissed-off, hard-done-by romantic types going around typing on the internet that asexual/a-romantic people are "duds." (I'm sorry: it's not accurate, and you're not.) The whole culture needs an overhaul.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:49 AM on January 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 9:49 AM on January 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
If you talk to people (counselors, lawyers, etc.) who are involved with divorces they will tell you that it is not uncommon at all for one party to be completely blindsided. It’s possible that all those people weren’t paying close enough attention, but I think there is also tendency on the part of people who are uncomfortable in their relationships to hide what is going on.
It is unfortunate that she is unable/unwilling to talk about her process here, but as far as reassurance goes this is a very common experience that you are having. It’s just something humans do.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:17 PM on January 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
It is unfortunate that she is unable/unwilling to talk about her process here, but as far as reassurance goes this is a very common experience that you are having. It’s just something humans do.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:17 PM on January 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
I’ve been in your position before. Please take to heart what invincible summer wrote. It practically could have been written by my ex.
The fact is that popular culture nudges us all towards pursuing a very specific type of romantic relationship. Some people just are not cut out for that type of relationship, but it’s VERY hard for those people to figure that out, because they don’t see any other options. I don’t know for sure if that was the case for your ex, but it fits with the details you’ve provided about the relationship.
posted by mekily at 12:23 PM on January 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
The fact is that popular culture nudges us all towards pursuing a very specific type of romantic relationship. Some people just are not cut out for that type of relationship, but it’s VERY hard for those people to figure that out, because they don’t see any other options. I don’t know for sure if that was the case for your ex, but it fits with the details you’ve provided about the relationship.
posted by mekily at 12:23 PM on January 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you so much for all your responses so far guys. It’s really comforting to see internet strangers be so giving and empathetic. If I could buy you all a drink I would! I had certainly considered avoidant attachment and the unavailability element. I suppose I just fear that now she’ll find the one and that will disprove the idea that she can’t commit.
Internet fraud detective squad, I understand what you’re saying, although I think you’ve made your point slightly harshly. We had talked before about our boundaries in relationships, how we had different love languages and it did feel like we were able to come to some sort of understanding. I certainly feel, as I mentioned, that I have a problem with sensitivity and defensiveness and I certainly could do with communicating better myself. But that doesn’t mean that a 5 minute dumping conversation, with no explanation, is the way to go. As I mentioned I asked if it was my behaviour and although she might have held that back she could have tried to explain it if she’d felt that was a fundamental incompatibility. All couples have their disagreements and can struggle to communicate their needs, that doesn’t mean I deserve to be dropped in such a way.
posted by popcorngirl at 2:00 PM on January 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
Internet fraud detective squad, I understand what you’re saying, although I think you’ve made your point slightly harshly. We had talked before about our boundaries in relationships, how we had different love languages and it did feel like we were able to come to some sort of understanding. I certainly feel, as I mentioned, that I have a problem with sensitivity and defensiveness and I certainly could do with communicating better myself. But that doesn’t mean that a 5 minute dumping conversation, with no explanation, is the way to go. As I mentioned I asked if it was my behaviour and although she might have held that back she could have tried to explain it if she’d felt that was a fundamental incompatibility. All couples have their disagreements and can struggle to communicate their needs, that doesn’t mean I deserve to be dropped in such a way.
posted by popcorngirl at 2:00 PM on January 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
I've been on both sides of this and my take away is that it is rarely as abrupt as it feels, but that one does not see (by choice or by inability) the signs until it is too late.
My bit of advice: It sounds like one of the things that really bothers you is that your ex girlfriend controlled the breakup fully and unfairly. She initiated it, she did not give you a "real" explanation, she didn't want to try to work it out. I think you have to let go of what you feel that you "deserved" in this breakup -- for various reasons, but primarily that it keeps you emotionally centered on the end of the relationship and how unfair it feels and how betrayed you feel by it. You don't want to stay in that negative space. Someday you'll look back and perhaps you'll appreciate the relationship and what it taught you about yourself -- and that isn't going to be soonish, mind you -- but the longer you dwell on the mechanics of the breakup, the further away that someday will be.
Btw -- if this woman is committed in her next relationship, or never again, that isn't a reflection on you.
posted by sm1tten at 3:00 PM on January 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
My bit of advice: It sounds like one of the things that really bothers you is that your ex girlfriend controlled the breakup fully and unfairly. She initiated it, she did not give you a "real" explanation, she didn't want to try to work it out. I think you have to let go of what you feel that you "deserved" in this breakup -- for various reasons, but primarily that it keeps you emotionally centered on the end of the relationship and how unfair it feels and how betrayed you feel by it. You don't want to stay in that negative space. Someday you'll look back and perhaps you'll appreciate the relationship and what it taught you about yourself -- and that isn't going to be soonish, mind you -- but the longer you dwell on the mechanics of the breakup, the further away that someday will be.
Btw -- if this woman is committed in her next relationship, or never again, that isn't a reflection on you.
posted by sm1tten at 3:00 PM on January 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
Other commenters have had really good things to say, but it can also just be as simple as the fact that she wasn't into it anymore. It was an infatuation, her romantic feelings dissipated, and there wasn't enough of a common bond between you for her to feel it was possible to continue without committing a grave disservice to both of you. It's not a reflection on you or on her, it just wasn't a good fit for the long-term. And really, being able to know that within a matter of months is a gift (granted, one that doesn't feel like one in the moment). Some people invest years in bad-fit relationships, marry the person they know they shouldn't marry, live really unhappy lives together. She had the sense to end it when she knew it wasn't gonna work. That's the smart thing to do.
From what you describe, there were a number of ways in which you were already showing some incompatibilities. It wouldn't be productive to ruminate on whether you might not have broken up if either of you had behaved differently. You're both supposed to be able to act like yourselves. If you want to be sappy and sensitive and she wants to be intellectual and picky, then that's okay. But you wouldn't have made each other happy without one of you dramatically changing your personality, which wouldn't be okay for long. Maybe she was just the first to see that.
posted by Autumnheart at 4:22 PM on January 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
From what you describe, there were a number of ways in which you were already showing some incompatibilities. It wouldn't be productive to ruminate on whether you might not have broken up if either of you had behaved differently. You're both supposed to be able to act like yourselves. If you want to be sappy and sensitive and she wants to be intellectual and picky, then that's okay. But you wouldn't have made each other happy without one of you dramatically changing your personality, which wouldn't be okay for long. Maybe she was just the first to see that.
posted by Autumnheart at 4:22 PM on January 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
But that doesn’t mean that a 5 minute dumping conversation, with no explanation, is the way to go.
Unless the person breaking up with you is furious with you about some awful thing you've done to them and wants to make you suffer and apologize, unless you have years-long history or a marriage or children or a shared pet and have to come up with a legal framework to sort it out -- yes, it is the way to go. She broke up with you the way she did because you didn't do anything wrong that hadn't already been discussed; there were no hidden rages or resentments. this is as good as a non-mutual breakup can be. it was brief because she didn't have any awful things saved up to say to you and because she doesn't hate you. that is good, no matter how bad it feels.
and there was an explanation, you gave a fair approximation of it.
you don't break up with someone because they deserve it, you break up with them because you do. when you don't want to be in a relationship, and you know you're not going to change your mind, you deserve to be out of it immediately. breaking up with you isn't a punishment, you can't cast her as an authority figure that way.
you feel you should have been given the chance to try again and do better. everyone feels that. it's an instinctive response, but you don't negotiate with an ex the way you negotiate with a teacher to let you rewrite a paper to raise your grade. she didn't enter the relationship to reward you for being a worthy partner, she was with you for a time because she wanted to be. you can't argue for that. you can't deserve it or not deserve it. "why doesn't she love me anymore" isn't a question with an answer.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:12 PM on January 11, 2020 [9 favorites]
Unless the person breaking up with you is furious with you about some awful thing you've done to them and wants to make you suffer and apologize, unless you have years-long history or a marriage or children or a shared pet and have to come up with a legal framework to sort it out -- yes, it is the way to go. She broke up with you the way she did because you didn't do anything wrong that hadn't already been discussed; there were no hidden rages or resentments. this is as good as a non-mutual breakup can be. it was brief because she didn't have any awful things saved up to say to you and because she doesn't hate you. that is good, no matter how bad it feels.
and there was an explanation, you gave a fair approximation of it.
you don't break up with someone because they deserve it, you break up with them because you do. when you don't want to be in a relationship, and you know you're not going to change your mind, you deserve to be out of it immediately. breaking up with you isn't a punishment, you can't cast her as an authority figure that way.
you feel you should have been given the chance to try again and do better. everyone feels that. it's an instinctive response, but you don't negotiate with an ex the way you negotiate with a teacher to let you rewrite a paper to raise your grade. she didn't enter the relationship to reward you for being a worthy partner, she was with you for a time because she wanted to be. you can't argue for that. you can't deserve it or not deserve it. "why doesn't she love me anymore" isn't a question with an answer.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:12 PM on January 11, 2020 [9 favorites]
I've been the dump-er in a similar situation and unfortunately it was just the case that I wasn't as into them as they were into me, and to have carried on would have a) been pretending and b) been a lot worse in the long run. There were probably few indications that I wanted out because up to the moment I made the decision I was still trying to be a good girlfriend and not upset them. In my opinion what she did was a reasonable and fair thing to do, even though it hurts you a lot. The unfair thing is the perennial and insurmountable unfairness of not being able to truly know what's going on in someone's head and having to trust and commit to them anyway- this is why relationships are so hard.
Also, please be compassionate with yourself and bit more realistic about the odds of relationships working out. There is such a thing as incompatibility without it being the case that you did something Wrong. There will be lots of girls out there who like you and like the way you express love. Being broken up with is not an indication that you are flawed and unlovable, even though it feels that way. If there was anything wrong it was the classic gay move of declaring love after a couple of months, when really you barely know each other- and both of you did that!
posted by Balthamos at 2:11 AM on January 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Also, please be compassionate with yourself and bit more realistic about the odds of relationships working out. There is such a thing as incompatibility without it being the case that you did something Wrong. There will be lots of girls out there who like you and like the way you express love. Being broken up with is not an indication that you are flawed and unlovable, even though it feels that way. If there was anything wrong it was the classic gay move of declaring love after a couple of months, when really you barely know each other- and both of you did that!
posted by Balthamos at 2:11 AM on January 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
We can't know what happened for her, but in general I have found it helpful to remember a few things about breakups like this.
1. It was out of the blue for you because you didn't fantasize about breaking up when things were difficult. It might not have been out of the blue for her.
2. It was out of the blue for you because she didn't communicate what was going on with her.
3. Although we can't know what happened for your ex, it's helpful to remember that some people disengage *when* things feel intimate and close. They have more of a fear of being engulfed than a fear of being alone. Some aspects of your post suggest this might be true -- that your gf could have an avoidant attachment style. It's really game-changing to learn about this approach to relationships; it means that the more love you show and the more the bond grows, the more likely it is that the avoidant person will get scared and shut down. That's not a relationship you can sustain if you value intimacy and commitment, it's not your fault and you didn't "do" anything wrong, and it's something you just have to accept as a feature in the beloved that means it was impossible to go past a certain point together.
There are many reasons she might have felt it wasn't right for her, but the fact that you felt it was out of the blue is an indicator (among others here) that she doesn't or can't communicate as openly as you seem to need in a partner. This breakup will be really painful but when you're ready to move on, try to look for someone who is eager for the kind of monogamy you are, and who delights in receiving the kind of affection you naturally give.
posted by nantucket at 6:26 AM on January 11, 2020 [20 favorites]