Is it okay for a committed partner to flirt with women on social media?
November 21, 2019 9:11 PM Subscribe
My partner of one year (51M, we do not live together) and I have had a rocky relationship so far, but we do care for each other. Arguments galore, which makes me concerned about shared values, and the overall wisdom of continuing with the relationship, but this question is very specific. I am also not sure if this behavior is indeed "flirting".
I found out that on his Twitter account he has been "liking" pictures from people he follows (semi-famous personalities, not "models") that feature obvious cleavage shots/selfies, where the person has made it clear that the focus of the shot is on their cleavage. For example the posts have captions like "check out the big tiddy goth chick"; "tits mcgee on the beach"; that kind of thing. I was taken aback when I saw this pattern because I had not cared about his social media activity at all until I saw one and then saw a pattern with the same person and with a few others. In some cases he's liked face selfies of this person and other women, and in a few instances very enthusiastically (e.g. "yessssss"). As far as I can see, he is one among many admirers of these women, and it is unlikely that he has gone beyond that level of contact.
It made me feel really inadequate to see this, but I spent a lot of time thinking about whether this was worth bringing up. Finally I decided it was but I was told that I was overreacting. After yet another argument, he finally apologized, saying he wouldn't do it again, but still feels he did nothing wrong, and I overreacted and argued because I was in the mood to fight.
He is quite possessive so I tried asking him if he would like it if I followed random men and liked their shirtless pictures and responded over-enthusiastically sometimes, but I was told that would not have been a problem. Which I am convinced is untrue.
It is certainly not cheating, or possibly even flirting, but my viewpoint is that it is not appropriate to do this when you are with someone. However, it is impossible for me to be objective about this, so I am hoping to get more objective opinions on this; is this kind of behavior typically considered acceptable?
I found out that on his Twitter account he has been "liking" pictures from people he follows (semi-famous personalities, not "models") that feature obvious cleavage shots/selfies, where the person has made it clear that the focus of the shot is on their cleavage. For example the posts have captions like "check out the big tiddy goth chick"; "tits mcgee on the beach"; that kind of thing. I was taken aback when I saw this pattern because I had not cared about his social media activity at all until I saw one and then saw a pattern with the same person and with a few others. In some cases he's liked face selfies of this person and other women, and in a few instances very enthusiastically (e.g. "yessssss"). As far as I can see, he is one among many admirers of these women, and it is unlikely that he has gone beyond that level of contact.
It made me feel really inadequate to see this, but I spent a lot of time thinking about whether this was worth bringing up. Finally I decided it was but I was told that I was overreacting. After yet another argument, he finally apologized, saying he wouldn't do it again, but still feels he did nothing wrong, and I overreacted and argued because I was in the mood to fight.
He is quite possessive so I tried asking him if he would like it if I followed random men and liked their shirtless pictures and responded over-enthusiastically sometimes, but I was told that would not have been a problem. Which I am convinced is untrue.
It is certainly not cheating, or possibly even flirting, but my viewpoint is that it is not appropriate to do this when you are with someone. However, it is impossible for me to be objective about this, so I am hoping to get more objective opinions on this; is this kind of behavior typically considered acceptable?
This isn’t an objective thing. Because there are no hard set rules for what works in relationships when it comes to things like this.
You don’t like this behavior. You cannot control this behavior - so what do you want to do from there? Stick around? Move on? Something else?
Personally - I would not like this behavior in a partner and my spouse does not do this nor do I. It’s my preference.
posted by Crystalinne at 9:22 PM on November 21, 2019 [9 favorites]
You don’t like this behavior. You cannot control this behavior - so what do you want to do from there? Stick around? Move on? Something else?
Personally - I would not like this behavior in a partner and my spouse does not do this nor do I. It’s my preference.
posted by Crystalinne at 9:22 PM on November 21, 2019 [9 favorites]
I don't find that behavior flirting, but I do find it super icky and would not want to continue a relationship with someone who treated women as objects.
posted by ruhroh at 9:23 PM on November 21, 2019 [33 favorites]
posted by ruhroh at 9:23 PM on November 21, 2019 [33 favorites]
It isn't flirting, it's just... kind of gross and embarrassing. I can't imagine any of the men I respect doing this. (Which is not to say they might not enjoy porn or racy pics in private: I have no idea about their personal proclivities, because literally none of the guys I hang out regularly with use their social media this way.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:32 PM on November 21, 2019 [17 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:32 PM on November 21, 2019 [17 favorites]
The behaviour is not cheating, though certainly upsetting. Maybe more notable, though, is the fact that he said something to you about your relationship that you’re certain is untrue.
How much of those two things do you need in your life?
posted by mhoye at 9:35 PM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
How much of those two things do you need in your life?
posted by mhoye at 9:35 PM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
As one of the few men who actually owns up to enjoying pictures of sexy women I would say that it is something I would curtail if I were in a relationship. I certainly would find it reasonable for my partner to be uncomfortable with it.
I think you’re on solid ground.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:42 PM on November 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
I think you’re on solid ground.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:42 PM on November 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
It's not flirting but it is gross. Partnered or not, this dude is objectifying other people in a juvenile, pretty icky way. That has nothing to do with you but says a lot about his overall values and I wouldn't want him to stop; I'd want to not be with him.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:50 PM on November 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 9:50 PM on November 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
1. The fact that my feelings were dismissed as an overreaction is the problem I would have.
2. I don't mind my partner watching porn when he self-services, and I don't mind (or know) if he has favourite porn stars, but I would object to a hobby that is purely about the objectification of women.
We have quiet intellectual conversations about behaviours that we aren't comfortable with, for example, when "all the migrants are taking jobs" came up, I pointed out that they either had the education necessary for the position (doctors), or they were forced into low-paying roles (taxi-drivers) and his unconcious casual racism tended not to be expressed as often. We allow each other to have their own feeling on a topic, and work out which behaviours are likely to impact our relationship. For example, would you be more comfortable with him looking at the boobies if he didn't leave a comment? He gets his eye-candy but doesn't publicly present as a misogynist.
posted by b33j at 9:54 PM on November 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
2. I don't mind my partner watching porn when he self-services, and I don't mind (or know) if he has favourite porn stars, but I would object to a hobby that is purely about the objectification of women.
We have quiet intellectual conversations about behaviours that we aren't comfortable with, for example, when "all the migrants are taking jobs" came up, I pointed out that they either had the education necessary for the position (doctors), or they were forced into low-paying roles (taxi-drivers) and his unconcious casual racism tended not to be expressed as often. We allow each other to have their own feeling on a topic, and work out which behaviours are likely to impact our relationship. For example, would you be more comfortable with him looking at the boobies if he didn't leave a comment? He gets his eye-candy but doesn't publicly present as a misogynist.
posted by b33j at 9:54 PM on November 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you, to everyone who responded. I should clarify that what's in quotes were the original tweets, not his responses. He "liked" the pictures, and has responded "yessss" etc to face selfies that mention "new hairstyle" for instance.
Sorry about the confusion!
posted by prenominal at 10:01 PM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Sorry about the confusion!
posted by prenominal at 10:01 PM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
my viewpoint is that it is not appropriate to do this when you are with someone.
Would it help to reframe this a bit? What if you thought of it as "it is not appropriate to do this when you are with me"? It doesn't matter what the behavior is, everybody is allowed to have specific things that apply just to them, and one of your things is that your partner shouldn't be publicly drooling after other people. Doesn't matter if he's okay with you doing it - you're not okay with him doing it and that should be enough. If we all had the exact same standards and requirements for our partners each couple would be a creepy identical twin situation. He should respect the differences between you and that you've expressed yourself clearly.
Personally I think that this behavior as you've described it is a bit gross, but if folks are out there inviting thirst like that then engaging with it is appropriate - it's not like he's wolf whistling women on the street, it's like, an acceptable venue for that urge with consenting recipients. But it can also make other people in the thirsty person's life feel bad, like it's done to you. It's a matter of weighing priorities. If he values his relationship with you over his outlet for cleavage shots then he knows what to do.
posted by Mizu at 10:04 PM on November 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
Would it help to reframe this a bit? What if you thought of it as "it is not appropriate to do this when you are with me"? It doesn't matter what the behavior is, everybody is allowed to have specific things that apply just to them, and one of your things is that your partner shouldn't be publicly drooling after other people. Doesn't matter if he's okay with you doing it - you're not okay with him doing it and that should be enough. If we all had the exact same standards and requirements for our partners each couple would be a creepy identical twin situation. He should respect the differences between you and that you've expressed yourself clearly.
Personally I think that this behavior as you've described it is a bit gross, but if folks are out there inviting thirst like that then engaging with it is appropriate - it's not like he's wolf whistling women on the street, it's like, an acceptable venue for that urge with consenting recipients. But it can also make other people in the thirsty person's life feel bad, like it's done to you. It's a matter of weighing priorities. If he values his relationship with you over his outlet for cleavage shots then he knows what to do.
posted by Mizu at 10:04 PM on November 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
If my spouse did this I wouldn't be happy, not because I think it's cheating but because I think it's gross.
posted by thereader at 10:51 PM on November 21, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by thereader at 10:51 PM on November 21, 2019 [8 favorites]
A relationship of a year that's already rocky with arguments galore doesn't seem really worth continuing, even without the gross behaviour online.
posted by hazyjane at 11:19 PM on November 21, 2019 [38 favorites]
posted by hazyjane at 11:19 PM on November 21, 2019 [38 favorites]
I agree with b33j that his reaction to you bringing up your feelings about this issue is what's most problematic. He didn't react in a caring way by labeling your feelings as an overreaction.
This isn't a person I would want to be with.
posted by nirblegee at 11:38 PM on November 21, 2019 [7 favorites]
This isn't a person I would want to be with.
posted by nirblegee at 11:38 PM on November 21, 2019 [7 favorites]
The weird gaslighting about your feelings on the behavior (accusing you of wanting to fight? wtf) is worse than the online ogling, objectively, but the ogling is also a problem for you, the person also in the relationship! And his defensive reaction, to go on the offensive, speaks volumes about his opinion on women who are not merely ogle-candy.
posted by zinful at 11:42 PM on November 21, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by zinful at 11:42 PM on November 21, 2019 [10 favorites]
As said by hazyjane above, "rocky with arguments galore" isn't a promising forecast. You can and should find someone more compatible.
posted by atchafalaya at 12:03 AM on November 22, 2019
posted by atchafalaya at 12:03 AM on November 22, 2019
Best answer: It made me feel really inadequate to see this
I think this is the key part - you are not feeling secure in the relationship and he is doing nothing to help. There can argument on either side about whether a person should stop doing just because the partner feels threatened by it (see all the posts about male-female platonic friendships while dating/married) but I want to be with a partner who at least cared that I was upset even if they chose not to change the behavior.
Bottom line: this one is really a symptom of the bigger challenges. Good luck - I think you are going to need it.
posted by metahawk at 12:20 AM on November 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
I think this is the key part - you are not feeling secure in the relationship and he is doing nothing to help. There can argument on either side about whether a person should stop doing just because the partner feels threatened by it (see all the posts about male-female platonic friendships while dating/married) but I want to be with a partner who at least cared that I was upset even if they chose not to change the behavior.
Bottom line: this one is really a symptom of the bigger challenges. Good luck - I think you are going to need it.
posted by metahawk at 12:20 AM on November 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
For my relationship with my partner, no, it's not an issue. But this is an issue for you, and I agree, he didn't respond in a way that I would consider encouraging or reassuring.
In fact, the only time this behavior in my partner upset me was when I was feeling inadequate and anxious about the stability of the relationship itself. We smoothed it out, worked on some underlying issues, and my general anxiety was soothed and went away. Now, if my partner wants to follow/comment on/show me photos of cosplay models, I am 100% chill with that.
But again, my feelings of inadequacy were only a symptom. That sort of thing will only get resolved with effort from both parties.
posted by lesser weasel at 12:34 AM on November 22, 2019
In fact, the only time this behavior in my partner upset me was when I was feeling inadequate and anxious about the stability of the relationship itself. We smoothed it out, worked on some underlying issues, and my general anxiety was soothed and went away. Now, if my partner wants to follow/comment on/show me photos of cosplay models, I am 100% chill with that.
But again, my feelings of inadequacy were only a symptom. That sort of thing will only get resolved with effort from both parties.
posted by lesser weasel at 12:34 AM on November 22, 2019
“... my viewpoint is that it is not appropriate to do this when you are with someone.”
This speaks to the shared values you mentioned in your post. This is not something you’re comfortable with. Their response to you bringing it up indicates an unwillingness to change the way they choose to engage with social media.
I can relate to the need to label to make sense of things in one’s mind, but agree with others that say that it’s not cheating/flirting. it’s just a behaviour you’re not cool with. Full stop. (My less diplomatic answer is: This guy sounds kinda shitty tbh.)
In case you need to hear it, this is a random internet stranger telling you that it’s okay not to date somebody who makes you feel this way.
posted by Juniper Toast at 1:40 AM on November 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
This speaks to the shared values you mentioned in your post. This is not something you’re comfortable with. Their response to you bringing it up indicates an unwillingness to change the way they choose to engage with social media.
I can relate to the need to label to make sense of things in one’s mind, but agree with others that say that it’s not cheating/flirting. it’s just a behaviour you’re not cool with. Full stop. (My less diplomatic answer is: This guy sounds kinda shitty tbh.)
In case you need to hear it, this is a random internet stranger telling you that it’s okay not to date somebody who makes you feel this way.
posted by Juniper Toast at 1:40 AM on November 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
My partner doesn't behave this way about pictures on social media, but my partner has a history of accusing me of wanting to fight when I bring up a concern. This doesn't bode well for your partner's perspective-taking skills. That's the real issue imo, that your partner doesn't take your concerns seriously and see them as valid. That's not likely to get much better. At this point my partner hears me better, but still sometimes has an underlying belief that me raising a concern is likely because I want to pick a fight and that makes communication very difficult. I don't recommend accommodating this attitude if you can help it.
posted by crunchy potato at 3:17 AM on November 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by crunchy potato at 3:17 AM on November 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
Honestly, if it was my partner who knew how I felt about this (gross, inappropriate etc) and kept it up anyway, the situation would resolve itself fairly quickly. Most because I’d lose any respect for them and then we’d be over. But that’s me.
posted by Jubey at 4:43 AM on November 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 4:43 AM on November 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
It isn't unusual for men to go seeking visual stimulation, but the need to also react to it - to publicly make sure everyone knows he approves of this particular set of breasts - is what seems super creepy to me. From a frat boy, it would seem kinda immature. From a 51 year old man, it seems beyond immature. It is not particularly about respecting your relationship - a single man behaving in this manner would also be creepy - but about whether a man who behaves this way respects women at all.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:09 AM on November 22, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 5:09 AM on November 22, 2019 [15 favorites]
There are so many red flags in what you say about this person (argumentative, possessive, rocky relationship) that what he likes on Facebook hardly seems like the biggest issue. I don't think there's any threat to sexual/romantic fidelity there (if there is fidelity), but it does reveal someone who commodifies women's images and doesn't care that's a problem for you.
posted by Miko at 5:12 AM on November 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Miko at 5:12 AM on November 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
Best answer: it is impossible for me to be objective about this, so I am hoping to get more objective opinions on this
Actually I think your reaction is extremely reasonable. This guy you're dating is not a great person to rely on to determine if you are reasonable or not.
I used to always wonder if what I was feeling was reasonable or if I was overreacting. But then I realized -- I actually am an extremely reasonable person. It sounds like you are too. You spent a lot of time thinking about whether to bring this up. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing.
If you're asking yourself what a reasonable person might feel about any given situation, remind yourself you ARE a reasonable person. What you feel is one of many things a reasonable person might feel.
posted by selfmedicating at 6:02 AM on November 22, 2019 [9 favorites]
Actually I think your reaction is extremely reasonable. This guy you're dating is not a great person to rely on to determine if you are reasonable or not.
I used to always wonder if what I was feeling was reasonable or if I was overreacting. But then I realized -- I actually am an extremely reasonable person. It sounds like you are too. You spent a lot of time thinking about whether to bring this up. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing.
If you're asking yourself what a reasonable person might feel about any given situation, remind yourself you ARE a reasonable person. What you feel is one of many things a reasonable person might feel.
posted by selfmedicating at 6:02 AM on November 22, 2019 [9 favorites]
Hiya! I've seen your update and I just want to clarify that I 100% understand that it's the woman posting the photos who is describing herself as "big tiddy goth chick." I don't have any issue with a woman describing herself as that; I have a problem with the men self-selecting as the audience for that. I prefer to be with a man who is smart enough to consciously not underpin systems of patriarchy, especially on such boringly low-hanging fruit as Instagram. It's thirsty AF and a huge turn-off to me, but your mileage may vary.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:32 AM on November 22, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 6:32 AM on November 22, 2019 [6 favorites]
My ex was always looking at other women, consumed vast quantities of porn, etc. and I always felt inadequate and like he really only saw women as sex puppets and not full people. If my husband were to comment that a lady was pretty I would probably look at her and agree with him, and I know he looks at porn but it doesn't bother me.
On the other hand that particular behavior is kinda gross and I don't know that I would be comfortable with it no matter what.
So, I think some of it is contextual, some of it is delivery. But either way, if it makes you feel inadequate then you don't have to be ok with it.
posted by cabingirl at 7:00 AM on November 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
On the other hand that particular behavior is kinda gross and I don't know that I would be comfortable with it no matter what.
So, I think some of it is contextual, some of it is delivery. But either way, if it makes you feel inadequate then you don't have to be ok with it.
posted by cabingirl at 7:00 AM on November 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
Joining the chorus to say, this is not ok for you, in your relationship and that makes it enough of a dealbreaker that you have permission from this internet stranger to end this relationship. You don't have to give any reason.
And also, as others have said, the "fights galore," the possessiveness, the gaslighting, each is a reason to end a relationship. Together? I'm frankly afraid for your safety.
posted by bilabial at 7:27 AM on November 22, 2019
And also, as others have said, the "fights galore," the possessiveness, the gaslighting, each is a reason to end a relationship. Together? I'm frankly afraid for your safety.
posted by bilabial at 7:27 AM on November 22, 2019
So you've got two problematic behaviors, and this is the worse one:
I was told that I was overreacting. After yet another argument, he finally apologized, saying he wouldn't do it again, but still feels he did nothing wrong, and I overreacted and argued because I was in the mood to fight.
In my experience, that tells me three things:
1 - his defensiveness shows that he knows he's doing something sleazy and just wants what he wants
2 - he's ok with minimizing your concerns and dismissing you
3 - he know that pattern works for him (do something that concerns a partner, minimize, dismiss, rinse, repeat).
posted by cocoagirl at 8:32 AM on November 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
I was told that I was overreacting. After yet another argument, he finally apologized, saying he wouldn't do it again, but still feels he did nothing wrong, and I overreacted and argued because I was in the mood to fight.
In my experience, that tells me three things:
1 - his defensiveness shows that he knows he's doing something sleazy and just wants what he wants
2 - he's ok with minimizing your concerns and dismissing you
3 - he know that pattern works for him (do something that concerns a partner, minimize, dismiss, rinse, repeat).
posted by cocoagirl at 8:32 AM on November 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
I trust that my partners are committed to me based on things totally unrelated to how they interact with other people, so I don't see this as "not appropriate to do when you are with someone," if that's the only question you have.
But it generally sounds like you don't have a lot of fun with this guy; even if you love someone, that doesn't mean you need to maintain a romantic relationship with them.
posted by metasarah at 8:33 AM on November 22, 2019
But it generally sounds like you don't have a lot of fun with this guy; even if you love someone, that doesn't mean you need to maintain a romantic relationship with them.
posted by metasarah at 8:33 AM on November 22, 2019
To answer your questions:
Is it okay for a committed partner to flirt with women on social media?
--It depends on who that person is committed to. Some partners find it acceptable, some do not.
Is this kind of behavior typically considered acceptable?
--Acceptable by whom? Some people find it acceptable, but I'd guess that more do not find it acceptable.
My point here is that IT DOESN'T MATTER what others find acceptable or not. 99% of the world could find it acceptable, but if you don't find it acceptable, that's the only thing that matters within your relationship.
You have to determine whether you want to live with that as part of his set of behaviors. Don't expect him to change. Just state to him that you find it unacceptable. How he responds will show you how he feels about you and your feelings.
I could tell you that I find his behavior perfectly fine and that I'd be ok if my boyfriend did the same, but that doesn't change how you feel about it. It's ok for you to have opinions about this. A healthy relationship with a confident man will allow for these conversations and will show mutual respect for each others' feelings.
posted by hydra77 at 8:38 AM on November 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
Is it okay for a committed partner to flirt with women on social media?
--It depends on who that person is committed to. Some partners find it acceptable, some do not.
Is this kind of behavior typically considered acceptable?
--Acceptable by whom? Some people find it acceptable, but I'd guess that more do not find it acceptable.
My point here is that IT DOESN'T MATTER what others find acceptable or not. 99% of the world could find it acceptable, but if you don't find it acceptable, that's the only thing that matters within your relationship.
You have to determine whether you want to live with that as part of his set of behaviors. Don't expect him to change. Just state to him that you find it unacceptable. How he responds will show you how he feels about you and your feelings.
I could tell you that I find his behavior perfectly fine and that I'd be ok if my boyfriend did the same, but that doesn't change how you feel about it. It's ok for you to have opinions about this. A healthy relationship with a confident man will allow for these conversations and will show mutual respect for each others' feelings.
posted by hydra77 at 8:38 AM on November 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I don’t consider it cheating, or even flirting.
Likewise, but I would consider a partner telling me I was overreacting to something that I was concerned about sort of a not-great indicator. Because, hey, you feel what you feel. And it sounds like this is just one among many other things that are a problem. It's okay not to like this just for what it is, but if it were me I wouldn't complain about 'flirting" I'd talk about feeling weird about it and working towards solutions that work for both of you.
I've been with my partner 11 years and I honestly have no idea what he likes or does not like on social media for the most part. And I will sometimes comment "Wow you look hot/great/fine" to people on social media (I am F and we are in a cishet relationship) and I don't think it's a thing, or flirting really. But the big deal is, this is the established norm of our relationship. If he felt weird about my online behavior we'd certainly talk about it.
Because, hey, there is sort of an idea of what's "normative" online and I agree with others this is sometimes just a way men behave online. Doesn't mean you have to like it or put up with it but it's worth knowing where it slots in with other people's behavior and how they feel about it.
posted by jessamyn at 10:44 AM on November 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
Likewise, but I would consider a partner telling me I was overreacting to something that I was concerned about sort of a not-great indicator. Because, hey, you feel what you feel. And it sounds like this is just one among many other things that are a problem. It's okay not to like this just for what it is, but if it were me I wouldn't complain about 'flirting" I'd talk about feeling weird about it and working towards solutions that work for both of you.
I've been with my partner 11 years and I honestly have no idea what he likes or does not like on social media for the most part. And I will sometimes comment "Wow you look hot/great/fine" to people on social media (I am F and we are in a cishet relationship) and I don't think it's a thing, or flirting really. But the big deal is, this is the established norm of our relationship. If he felt weird about my online behavior we'd certainly talk about it.
Because, hey, there is sort of an idea of what's "normative" online and I agree with others this is sometimes just a way men behave online. Doesn't mean you have to like it or put up with it but it's worth knowing where it slots in with other people's behavior and how they feel about it.
posted by jessamyn at 10:44 AM on November 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
I don't think it's as bad as some are making it out to be, but it's definitely juvenile. He's probably looking at 20 somethings mostly, which makes it creepy no matter his lack of intentions. Gak, I'd get out.
posted by Patapsco Mike at 2:34 PM on November 22, 2019
posted by Patapsco Mike at 2:34 PM on November 22, 2019
Best answer: I spent a lot of time thinking about whether this was worth bringing up. Finally I decided it was but I was told that I was overreacting. After yet another argument, he finally apologized, saying he wouldn't do it again, but still feels he did nothing wrong, and I overreacted and argued because I was in the mood to fight.
The big problem here is the dismissal of your feelings. It's never okay to say your partner is overreacting. How can that not make the other person feel shitty? Feelings always have something behind them. 'I'm upset you bought this pasta sauce even though you know I really hate it' has a lot behind it....'Why aren't you paying attention to my preferences? Don't you care? Couldn't you have bought a second jar of a kind that I like? Do you secretly wish you lived alone?'
Unpacking that stuff together is part of intimacy, even when things sound silly. And liking sexualized internet content is several levels of effort above 'pasta sauce'.
I would question his response directly and if necessary consider whether you want to be in a relationship where *anything* that gives you the heebie-jeebies is broadly dismissed.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:38 PM on November 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
The big problem here is the dismissal of your feelings. It's never okay to say your partner is overreacting. How can that not make the other person feel shitty? Feelings always have something behind them. 'I'm upset you bought this pasta sauce even though you know I really hate it' has a lot behind it....'Why aren't you paying attention to my preferences? Don't you care? Couldn't you have bought a second jar of a kind that I like? Do you secretly wish you lived alone?'
Unpacking that stuff together is part of intimacy, even when things sound silly. And liking sexualized internet content is several levels of effort above 'pasta sauce'.
I would question his response directly and if necessary consider whether you want to be in a relationship where *anything* that gives you the heebie-jeebies is broadly dismissed.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:38 PM on November 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
He's being horny on main and you feel insecure because of it. It's something that you can talk about. But he got defensive and acted seen, and you're already in a "rocky" relationship, so, like, he can either sacrifice something that's pretty low-key in general but problematic in your specific context, or he can resent you for implying that horndogging is kinda gross.
If you really think he's worth it, you could probably build clear communication to get over this, but, like, at least the way you've described it, he doesn't seem worth it, so why?
posted by klangklangston at 3:34 PM on November 26, 2019
If you really think he's worth it, you could probably build clear communication to get over this, but, like, at least the way you've described it, he doesn't seem worth it, so why?
posted by klangklangston at 3:34 PM on November 26, 2019
« Older Where can my 5-year-old see an electron microscope... | What do I wear instead of Jeans? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bluloo at 9:22 PM on November 21, 2019 [89 favorites]