Help me talk constructively about kink
November 1, 2019 11:00 PM Subscribe
I want to include my kinkiness in my next serious romantic relationship, but I don't know how to articulate my desires. When past partners have asked me to be more specific about my needs, I've been at a loss to explain well, and there's been a lot of trial-and-error and "I dunno how to describe it, but I know it when I see it".
After a long voluntary sexual hiatus, I've thought a lot about what I want my romantic future to look like. I think I'd like to be able to incorporate kink into my next relationship in a healthy way. However, outside of very broad generalities (I like D/s! That's... not super helpful), I don't have language to accurately and concisely describe the precise dynamic I enjoy.
Although not especially extreme, my preferences don't fit neatly into any of the labels or structures I'm familiar with, and I struggle to articulate my desires clearly to partners. This has caused problems for me in the past! I have a fair bit of experience in the kink scene- this world in not new or strange to me- but I want to be able to communicate about this better.
I'm not ashamed or embarassed; I just genuinely don't know how to describe what I want effectively. Are there resources you can recommend for this?
Bonus: I'm looking for a loving, monogamous romantic relationship that includes kink, not a play partner or other primarily sexual relationship. What are some best practices for making that a reality? Including kink preferences in a dating profile seems to make sex the primary focus, using a kink site for dating even more so.
After a long voluntary sexual hiatus, I've thought a lot about what I want my romantic future to look like. I think I'd like to be able to incorporate kink into my next relationship in a healthy way. However, outside of very broad generalities (I like D/s! That's... not super helpful), I don't have language to accurately and concisely describe the precise dynamic I enjoy.
Although not especially extreme, my preferences don't fit neatly into any of the labels or structures I'm familiar with, and I struggle to articulate my desires clearly to partners. This has caused problems for me in the past! I have a fair bit of experience in the kink scene- this world in not new or strange to me- but I want to be able to communicate about this better.
I'm not ashamed or embarassed; I just genuinely don't know how to describe what I want effectively. Are there resources you can recommend for this?
Bonus: I'm looking for a loving, monogamous romantic relationship that includes kink, not a play partner or other primarily sexual relationship. What are some best practices for making that a reality? Including kink preferences in a dating profile seems to make sex the primary focus, using a kink site for dating even more so.
Several years ago I found a complementary kinkster as a partner by including that I was kinky in my OKCupid profile. I like to filter possible dates up front to save everyone’s time, especially my own. One good thing about OKC is that there are a lot of kinky questions to answer that can help find good matches even without making your Qs public. (There used to be, anyway; I dunno about now.)
Feel free to MeMail me if you want a more explicit but still private discussion. Lots of people enjoy D/s without necessarily identifying as a top or bottom or dominant or submissive or switch. In my own kinky adventures, I have discovered that some things I might not have found appealing in theory were super sexy if it was something my partner was into. Similarly, I’ve had partners who enthusiastically got into things that I enjoyed although they were lukewarm at first.
For me, at least, kink can be a rich and nuanced playground with magical properties that vary depending on my partner and myself, our chemistry and our interests. It turns out that my kinks are way less narrow and defined than I first assumed. I don’t think my situation is unique, so I’m not sure that you need to be more specific in the beginning than indicating that you enjoy various flavors of kink. But eventually you will want to be more specific. Alas, I don’t really know how to help you with that here unless you can give examples of scenes (for lack of a better word) or activities that you have enjoyed or imagine that you would enjoy.
I think finding a partner with complementary tendencies when it comes to sex is extremely important. I applaud your efforts to get what you want. Go you!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:42 AM on November 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
Feel free to MeMail me if you want a more explicit but still private discussion. Lots of people enjoy D/s without necessarily identifying as a top or bottom or dominant or submissive or switch. In my own kinky adventures, I have discovered that some things I might not have found appealing in theory were super sexy if it was something my partner was into. Similarly, I’ve had partners who enthusiastically got into things that I enjoyed although they were lukewarm at first.
For me, at least, kink can be a rich and nuanced playground with magical properties that vary depending on my partner and myself, our chemistry and our interests. It turns out that my kinks are way less narrow and defined than I first assumed. I don’t think my situation is unique, so I’m not sure that you need to be more specific in the beginning than indicating that you enjoy various flavors of kink. But eventually you will want to be more specific. Alas, I don’t really know how to help you with that here unless you can give examples of scenes (for lack of a better word) or activities that you have enjoyed or imagine that you would enjoy.
I think finding a partner with complementary tendencies when it comes to sex is extremely important. I applaud your efforts to get what you want. Go you!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:42 AM on November 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
Tumblr used to be good for this - you could browse around and reblog things that resonated with you. Then you end up with a convenient manual that you can share (or not). Depending on your kink, Tumblr may still be viable?
posted by batter_my_heart at 6:44 AM on November 2, 2019
posted by batter_my_heart at 6:44 AM on November 2, 2019
For me, it helped to realize that I'm allowed to express desires to people who don't share them.
Written out, this sounds obvious. But it was a tough leap to make. It's easy to see the nitty-gritty details of the stuff that turns you on as, like, "Whoa, weird, gross, that's super fucked up, but I guess we're all into weird gross stuff so who's to judge?" — which, for me at least, gave me enough courage to go to parties and munches, but not enough courage to talk casually about kinks that weren't utterly generic and standard.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:45 AM on November 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
Written out, this sounds obvious. But it was a tough leap to make. It's easy to see the nitty-gritty details of the stuff that turns you on as, like, "Whoa, weird, gross, that's super fucked up, but I guess we're all into weird gross stuff so who's to judge?" — which, for me at least, gave me enough courage to go to parties and munches, but not enough courage to talk casually about kinks that weren't utterly generic and standard.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:45 AM on November 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
One of the ways people communicate about this in dating profiles is by listing movies/books/shows that hint at their preferences. If you say that your favorite movie is Secretary and that you are rereading The Story of O, for example, at least some people will get the idea. Obviously this only works if your specific interests match well-known books or movies, and if the people reading your profile understand the hints. More direct communication avoids those barriers, but not everyone is comfortable stating things so directly.
More generally, have you tried making bullet lists of things you do and do not want? It might be something like "wants: loving relationship of equals, kink limited to the bedroom, D/s dynamic, gentle bondage and spanking, lots of aftercare" and "don't want: humiliation/degradation, pain, kink as the primary focus" or whatever. It doesn't mean you have to share those lists with anyone, but it might help you clarify what your ideal relationship would include.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:31 AM on November 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
More generally, have you tried making bullet lists of things you do and do not want? It might be something like "wants: loving relationship of equals, kink limited to the bedroom, D/s dynamic, gentle bondage and spanking, lots of aftercare" and "don't want: humiliation/degradation, pain, kink as the primary focus" or whatever. It doesn't mean you have to share those lists with anyone, but it might help you clarify what your ideal relationship would include.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:31 AM on November 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
Further to the tumblr suggestion, try Reddit. I googled "Reddit BDSM" and "Reddit Kink" and a lot of stuff came up. Now I'm reading this so... yay?
posted by foxjacket at 5:23 PM on November 2, 2019
posted by foxjacket at 5:23 PM on November 2, 2019
If there are specific porn stars associated with your kink(s), list those people as favorite actors.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 7:02 PM on November 2, 2019
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 7:02 PM on November 2, 2019
I would include information about being interested in D/s and maybe whether you identify as dominant or submissive in your online dating profile etc., alongside other important information, like hobbies, interests, hopes for the future, and lifestyle stuff. Express that you hope to negotiate the specifics with someone you are otherwise compatible with. I would not lead with the specifics on a dating profile or first or second date unless you are primarily looking for a person with whom to engage in these activities.
Think carefully if you would like to go on dates with someone like coffee, dinner, outdoor activities, drinks - whatever is your cup or tea, and get to know someone, or whether you would like to meet someone at a kink event and engage primarily in kink activities with them, and get to know other things about them after. If you are interested in the kind of relationship where you have a partner and you engage in these activities, you will want to meet a partner first and then negotiate the kink into the relationship. If you would like to engage in kink activities with a person first, you'll want to make a profile on a site like fetlife etc. (whatever is widely used in your area) and meet someone who wants to engage
In either case, it would be useful for you to go through a thorough kink checklist and think about which things are yesses, which are maybes, and which are nos. Think about which you would like to do to other people and which you would like to have done to you. Think about where you stand on B/d, D/s, and S/m. Perhaps think about whether you want to engage in these things at home in your bedroom, with your partner at kink events, or with your partner and others at kink events. Consider getting involved in the kink community in your area, to find out how the people around you are talking about things, and maybe meeting someone. Go to a munch. Think about what it is you want to get out of engaging in kink.
Look for people who seem open to new experiences generally, and have wide ranges of interests, conventional and non-conventional, and who seem to be able to talk openly about sex and what they want. They are more likely to respond favourably to down-the-road negotiation of kinks, and may surprise you with their own.
posted by unstrungharp at 9:10 PM on November 2, 2019
Think carefully if you would like to go on dates with someone like coffee, dinner, outdoor activities, drinks - whatever is your cup or tea, and get to know someone, or whether you would like to meet someone at a kink event and engage primarily in kink activities with them, and get to know other things about them after. If you are interested in the kind of relationship where you have a partner and you engage in these activities, you will want to meet a partner first and then negotiate the kink into the relationship. If you would like to engage in kink activities with a person first, you'll want to make a profile on a site like fetlife etc. (whatever is widely used in your area) and meet someone who wants to engage
In either case, it would be useful for you to go through a thorough kink checklist and think about which things are yesses, which are maybes, and which are nos. Think about which you would like to do to other people and which you would like to have done to you. Think about where you stand on B/d, D/s, and S/m. Perhaps think about whether you want to engage in these things at home in your bedroom, with your partner at kink events, or with your partner and others at kink events. Consider getting involved in the kink community in your area, to find out how the people around you are talking about things, and maybe meeting someone. Go to a munch. Think about what it is you want to get out of engaging in kink.
Look for people who seem open to new experiences generally, and have wide ranges of interests, conventional and non-conventional, and who seem to be able to talk openly about sex and what they want. They are more likely to respond favourably to down-the-road negotiation of kinks, and may surprise you with their own.
posted by unstrungharp at 9:10 PM on November 2, 2019
Also: do you want to have non-kinky sex as well with a prospective partner, or do you want all the sex you have to be kinky? The latter is a lot more ambitious.
posted by unstrungharp at 9:24 PM on November 2, 2019
posted by unstrungharp at 9:24 PM on November 2, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
If so, great, you can show it to a partner. If not, maybe work toward getting/making examples, and that may also help you find vocabulary.
posted by SaltySalticid at 4:06 AM on November 2, 2019 [10 favorites]