Cat is aggressive towards men
August 30, 2019 12:13 AM Subscribe
My cat becomes very aggressive when I have male visitors. For the last few months I've been putting him up in another room when someone comes over but I can't do that forever. How do I change this behavior?
Some background: my male cat is 6 years old, I got him with my soon to be ex-husband who stayed at home all day and so they were quite attached. A couple months after we split up he started becoming aggressive when I have male visitors. I'm talking really aggressive, not just little scratches but totally puffed up hair, ears back, deep scratches, aggressive meowing.
My current strategy is to lock him up in another room (with food and water and plenty of soft things to curl up on), and that works really well. Pretty much as long as he doesn't see the man he's fine. He's very loving and snuggly and cuddly at all other times. He has no other behavioral problems at all except for this. But I can't do this locking up forever, especially if at some point I begin a serious relationship, and I may not have a spare room to do that in the future. How do I change this behavior? Can I change it?
*It's definitely only around men that he gets this aggressive. This has been tested.
**I'm mostly the one that gets attacked because I try to deal with him so he doesn't attack my guest.
***Giving him to the ex is not an option as my ex is not in a stable home and I am not sure he would be able to take care of him.
(Slight complication, I live in Germany so I'm not sure if there's the same level of pet behavioral services here)
Some background: my male cat is 6 years old, I got him with my soon to be ex-husband who stayed at home all day and so they were quite attached. A couple months after we split up he started becoming aggressive when I have male visitors. I'm talking really aggressive, not just little scratches but totally puffed up hair, ears back, deep scratches, aggressive meowing.
My current strategy is to lock him up in another room (with food and water and plenty of soft things to curl up on), and that works really well. Pretty much as long as he doesn't see the man he's fine. He's very loving and snuggly and cuddly at all other times. He has no other behavioral problems at all except for this. But I can't do this locking up forever, especially if at some point I begin a serious relationship, and I may not have a spare room to do that in the future. How do I change this behavior? Can I change it?
*It's definitely only around men that he gets this aggressive. This has been tested.
**I'm mostly the one that gets attacked because I try to deal with him so he doesn't attack my guest.
***Giving him to the ex is not an option as my ex is not in a stable home and I am not sure he would be able to take care of him.
(Slight complication, I live in Germany so I'm not sure if there's the same level of pet behavioral services here)
Your cat sounds really stressed. I'm sorry :(
My first response is that this is the kind of thing I'd ask my vet about (I'm in America, though, and don't know how much German vets know about behavior). But if you've already done that and don't have an answer yet, you might see whether Feliway is available near you -- it's a cat pheromone that's touted for all kinds of behavior modification. We board our cats when we leave town and one of them really doesn't like it, but this time the boarding people tried Feliway on her and it really helped relax her.
posted by eirias at 1:43 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
My first response is that this is the kind of thing I'd ask my vet about (I'm in America, though, and don't know how much German vets know about behavior). But if you've already done that and don't have an answer yet, you might see whether Feliway is available near you -- it's a cat pheromone that's touted for all kinds of behavior modification. We board our cats when we leave town and one of them really doesn't like it, but this time the boarding people tried Feliway on her and it really helped relax her.
posted by eirias at 1:43 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I'd say there's two different ways he becomes aggressive. It's either immediate as soon as my guest enters and I have to somehow herd the cat into another room. Or he's pretty chill, keeping his distance but no outward signs of stress until all the sudden one of us walks by him and then he'll attack.
I haven't tried ignoring yet because I get really freaked out and try to either get us out of the room or get him out.
posted by LizBoBiz at 1:47 AM on August 30, 2019
I haven't tried ignoring yet because I get really freaked out and try to either get us out of the room or get him out.
posted by LizBoBiz at 1:47 AM on August 30, 2019
They make good cat xanax that you can apply to their ears to help them navigate stressful transitions. Talk to your vet.
posted by edbles at 4:36 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by edbles at 4:36 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
Does your cat like to play with any sorts of toys? A lot of time, you can work out the aggression by having yourself (or your guests) take the lead and play with the cats right off the bat. My cats love shoelaces, so I play with them with the shoelaces every morning and have guests play with them, and the cats learned to love guests much in that way.
posted by xingcat at 6:08 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by xingcat at 6:08 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
If cat loves a certain treat or food, maybe let man visitor be the only one who gives it to cat.
Over time, cat might start to associate good treat with man in the house.
posted by crankyrogalsky at 7:33 AM on August 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
Over time, cat might start to associate good treat with man in the house.
posted by crankyrogalsky at 7:33 AM on August 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
Have you and a gentleman tried just chilling while the cat does it's agressive yowling? I'm curious if the cat would either eventually attack, or if instead it would eventually just chill out. If it would eventually chill out, then that's a much better route going forward than trying to herd a cat who's now going to bite at you. This will just reinforce to the cat that bad times are going to occur when there's man scent, as well as make you more fearful/hesitant which the cat will pick up on. Obviously the man used in the experiment would need to be ok with potentially getting mauled.
Ah, on preview you say you haven't tried ignoring it. If you want to end this problem, you really need to try that. Otherwise, cat smells man; panics and reacts. Oh no, owner is manhandling me while I'm stressed, bite! Oh no, she's accidentally being rough with me as she's in pain and trying to not get more hurt, it's the end of the world. This cycle will continue, and things will keep getting worse unless courses are changed.
I would like to think that with a pair of leather gloves for the man for "just in case" combined with a man who's trusting enough to follow the advice of "don't make/keep eye contact; just ignore the cat. We can talk a bit, or even just chill listening to music as you *don't pay attention to the cat." It's most important that the guy not pay attention to the cat, but also likely good for you to also do that.
However, if the cat moves from just yowling to flat out attacking the man unprovoked, then it might not be a solvable issue. It's more likely that if you and the man are just chill that the cat will eventually settle. And over a process of months, might stop having the initial fear reaction. Note that having a new man who fails to not act fearfully will probably hold eye contact, which may provoke the cat to attack setting things back. Essentially you have to be sure that you're using well behaved men for the desensytization.
posted by nobeagle at 7:56 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
Ah, on preview you say you haven't tried ignoring it. If you want to end this problem, you really need to try that. Otherwise, cat smells man; panics and reacts. Oh no, owner is manhandling me while I'm stressed, bite! Oh no, she's accidentally being rough with me as she's in pain and trying to not get more hurt, it's the end of the world. This cycle will continue, and things will keep getting worse unless courses are changed.
I would like to think that with a pair of leather gloves for the man for "just in case" combined with a man who's trusting enough to follow the advice of "don't make/keep eye contact; just ignore the cat. We can talk a bit, or even just chill listening to music as you *don't pay attention to the cat." It's most important that the guy not pay attention to the cat, but also likely good for you to also do that.
However, if the cat moves from just yowling to flat out attacking the man unprovoked, then it might not be a solvable issue. It's more likely that if you and the man are just chill that the cat will eventually settle. And over a process of months, might stop having the initial fear reaction. Note that having a new man who fails to not act fearfully will probably hold eye contact, which may provoke the cat to attack setting things back. Essentially you have to be sure that you're using well behaved men for the desensytization.
posted by nobeagle at 7:56 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
I also strongly agree with the idea to have visitors (male and female) give the cat treats. We've tamed a couple of pretty skittish cats that way, and now they lurk pointedly near the pantry when anyone new walks in the door. Our surly introvert will even sit on a strange lap if there are enough cookies in it for him.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:58 AM on August 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 7:58 AM on August 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
> nobeagle: Otherwise, cat smells man; panics and reacts.
The cat is also likely reacting to your stress about the situation. You are no doubt stressed about the cat's reaction, but the cat assumes you are stressed about the visitor. I agree with the ignore (carefully!) and treats approach. If you can, make it so that the treats are not connected to the cat's aggressiveness. For example, hold the treats in your hand, and as the cat relaxes, drop a few without reacting in any other way. if he relaxes further, drop a few more, but if he gets angry, just wait.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:10 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
The cat is also likely reacting to your stress about the situation. You are no doubt stressed about the cat's reaction, but the cat assumes you are stressed about the visitor. I agree with the ignore (carefully!) and treats approach. If you can, make it so that the treats are not connected to the cat's aggressiveness. For example, hold the treats in your hand, and as the cat relaxes, drop a few without reacting in any other way. if he relaxes further, drop a few more, but if he gets angry, just wait.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:10 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
Do you have a male friend who's a real cat-lover who would be willing to help you with this? Someone who understands that sometimes cats are weird and doesn't mind getting hissed at or mildly attacked while working through this with you and is prepared to basically ignore the cat's hostility. I think this would be very helpful with the "ignore it until it goes away" approach to this behavior, which is probably your best bet alongside having male visitors give the cat treats.
Ideally, you want the cat to learn that your male friend is an immovable object; he will neither respond aggressively nor retreat from attacks, but just kind of hang out until the cat calms down, then give the cat a treat. It can require some patience but this helps the cat learn that male visitors aren't a threat, nor are they something that can be driven away with aggression. Once you've managed to achieve this with a friend who's aware of what they're getting into and is prepared to help you with it, then other male visitors are more likely to be tolerated.
posted by biogeo at 11:05 AM on August 30, 2019
Ideally, you want the cat to learn that your male friend is an immovable object; he will neither respond aggressively nor retreat from attacks, but just kind of hang out until the cat calms down, then give the cat a treat. It can require some patience but this helps the cat learn that male visitors aren't a threat, nor are they something that can be driven away with aggression. Once you've managed to achieve this with a friend who's aware of what they're getting into and is prepared to help you with it, then other male visitors are more likely to be tolerated.
posted by biogeo at 11:05 AM on August 30, 2019
Response by poster: Thanks for the advice y’all. I have an appointment to see the vet on Tuesday anyways so I’ll discuss with them. I also think after reading this that my strategy for when he becomes aggressive only makes the situation worse. Once I heal up from the latest attack, I’ll try again and see about trying to calm him instead of just getting him away from us.
posted by LizBoBiz at 2:53 PM on September 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by LizBoBiz at 2:53 PM on September 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:25 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]