PLEASE go play!?
August 7, 2019 12:50 PM Subscribe
Our almost 4.5 year old won't play alone if he's home - he just wants to be with us. Any suggestions?
He has tons of toys, books, and instruments, which he usually won't play with unless we initiate an activity to do together. We give him lots of quality time but eventually we need a break. When we say "ok so now it's time for you to go play" he'll say he wants to be with us or do whatever we're doing - even if it means just helping us. If we insist he has to do his own thing he will whine, hang on us, beg, etc. He says he can't think of anything to do or doesn't want to play alone. He absolutely knows all the things he could play with - he could come up with a dozen ideas if we pressed him to. We can send his to his room but he won't play there either - he'll just cry or sit by the door until we let him out.
We know he's capable of playing by himself because he does it occasionally. Once in a while he finds something that he thinks is fun and he'll play for 20-30 minutes. If we set up a project he really likes he might do it for a while alone.
We could set up new activities and projects for him - play doh, new pictures to color, or something new and unique - but that's still us attending to him. We can put him in front of the TV - which we do on occasion - but that's a last resort. We need him to be able to entertain himself without our help. We also have a 9 month old child and we both own our own businesses so there's always work to be done.
Weekends are exhausting - we're with these kids from 6 AM to 8 PM all day without a break. This also makes it extremely difficult for one parent to watch both kids for more than a short time.
Any suggestions? What has worked for your family?
He has tons of toys, books, and instruments, which he usually won't play with unless we initiate an activity to do together. We give him lots of quality time but eventually we need a break. When we say "ok so now it's time for you to go play" he'll say he wants to be with us or do whatever we're doing - even if it means just helping us. If we insist he has to do his own thing he will whine, hang on us, beg, etc. He says he can't think of anything to do or doesn't want to play alone. He absolutely knows all the things he could play with - he could come up with a dozen ideas if we pressed him to. We can send his to his room but he won't play there either - he'll just cry or sit by the door until we let him out.
We know he's capable of playing by himself because he does it occasionally. Once in a while he finds something that he thinks is fun and he'll play for 20-30 minutes. If we set up a project he really likes he might do it for a while alone.
We could set up new activities and projects for him - play doh, new pictures to color, or something new and unique - but that's still us attending to him. We can put him in front of the TV - which we do on occasion - but that's a last resort. We need him to be able to entertain himself without our help. We also have a 9 month old child and we both own our own businesses so there's always work to be done.
Weekends are exhausting - we're with these kids from 6 AM to 8 PM all day without a break. This also makes it extremely difficult for one parent to watch both kids for more than a short time.
Any suggestions? What has worked for your family?
Some of the kids have just been like this: more needy than others and always hanging around, or alternatively able to while away an hour solid with a pile of Lego. Or, yes, a stick.
This will get a bit better when the sibling is a bit older and they can play together, but the go-to for us when a small one is bored is to get them started folding towels, picking up, or something along those lines. This usually gets old right quick and they're off to find something - anything - else to do. Another thing which we've done is ration out the toys and things: rotate them in and out so the same giant selection isn't in front him all the time and insist that one goes away before a new one comes out.
As for the begging and whining - when that starts to get out of hand, we retire to The Fit Room (their bedroom); you can go bananas in here and come out the moment you're done.
posted by jquinby at 1:01 PM on August 7, 2019 [6 favorites]
This will get a bit better when the sibling is a bit older and they can play together, but the go-to for us when a small one is bored is to get them started folding towels, picking up, or something along those lines. This usually gets old right quick and they're off to find something - anything - else to do. Another thing which we've done is ration out the toys and things: rotate them in and out so the same giant selection isn't in front him all the time and insist that one goes away before a new one comes out.
As for the begging and whining - when that starts to get out of hand, we retire to The Fit Room (their bedroom); you can go bananas in here and come out the moment you're done.
posted by jquinby at 1:01 PM on August 7, 2019 [6 favorites]
First of all - congratulations! You must be a fun parent.
4-5 was super tough age for us, for exactly the same reasons. For us what worked was getting our kids into reading independently— however that took time to get going definitely didn’t happen before they were 5. We’d also give an “assignment” for art or building with blocks that we’d check on with periodically and give pointers.
The other thing I wanted to say is that IT IS OK to let your kids look at a screen to get an hour off. Don’t beat yourself up about it. We were super worked up about screen time and had a “no ipad, no phones out, tv only for limited sessions” and honestly it was overkill.
posted by q*ben at 1:06 PM on August 7, 2019 [12 favorites]
4-5 was super tough age for us, for exactly the same reasons. For us what worked was getting our kids into reading independently— however that took time to get going definitely didn’t happen before they were 5. We’d also give an “assignment” for art or building with blocks that we’d check on with periodically and give pointers.
The other thing I wanted to say is that IT IS OK to let your kids look at a screen to get an hour off. Don’t beat yourself up about it. We were super worked up about screen time and had a “no ipad, no phones out, tv only for limited sessions” and honestly it was overkill.
posted by q*ben at 1:06 PM on August 7, 2019 [12 favorites]
In my experience, self play/entertaining oneself is like a muscle, you have to exercise it, and you can’t start off with stuff beyond your level. This applies to adults too imo.
So make 5 min self play a goal, tell him that, move on from there. This has worked well for us, our 2.5 yr old will now often play by himself with a puzzle, toy, book, doll, etc for several sessions a day ranging 5-15 min, even while both parents are home.
posted by SaltySalticid at 1:06 PM on August 7, 2019 [7 favorites]
So make 5 min self play a goal, tell him that, move on from there. This has worked well for us, our 2.5 yr old will now often play by himself with a puzzle, toy, book, doll, etc for several sessions a day ranging 5-15 min, even while both parents are home.
posted by SaltySalticid at 1:06 PM on August 7, 2019 [7 favorites]
Can you tell us what happens if you tell him that you’re busy and can play later? With a new baby in the family, he could certainly be feeling some jealousy.
posted by defreckled at 1:14 PM on August 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by defreckled at 1:14 PM on August 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
When mine were little, we had quiet time as part of the routine. They had to choose activities they could do on their own in their rooms without making noise. Books, blocks, drawing, pretend play, staring at the ceiling, napping, whatever they wanted. We'd try to make the activity after quiet time something appealing that they'd look forward to.
We made it very clear that quiet time was for both parents and kids. Even if they weren't tired, we explained that Mom and Dad needed downtime too. We wanted them to get used to the idea of delaying gratification for the sake of someone else's well-being and that was a gentle way to introduce it.
posted by cross_impact at 1:19 PM on August 7, 2019 [26 favorites]
We made it very clear that quiet time was for both parents and kids. Even if they weren't tired, we explained that Mom and Dad needed downtime too. We wanted them to get used to the idea of delaying gratification for the sake of someone else's well-being and that was a gentle way to introduce it.
posted by cross_impact at 1:19 PM on August 7, 2019 [26 favorites]
Some kids are very sociable and/or anxious and really would prefer being with other humans. I would look for options that let him be near you but don't require you to entertain him. Sometimes that might involve him helping.Sometime it might involve parallel play - I'm have to work on my computer now - you can either read a box or color right here next to me or you find something else to do. Making him be alone while he does it seems like unnecessary stress but giving him practice doing things without your attention having to be focused on him seems really valuable.
By the way, we had a rule, that if my kids ever said they were bored, I would tell them what to do next and they had to do it for 5 minutes. I would pick something moderately fun - like coloring a picture with just green and purple crayons but was my choice. Pretty quickly, they learned not to use the "b" word (bored) around me unless they really couldn't think of something better to do.
posted by metahawk at 1:35 PM on August 7, 2019 [20 favorites]
By the way, we had a rule, that if my kids ever said they were bored, I would tell them what to do next and they had to do it for 5 minutes. I would pick something moderately fun - like coloring a picture with just green and purple crayons but was my choice. Pretty quickly, they learned not to use the "b" word (bored) around me unless they really couldn't think of something better to do.
posted by metahawk at 1:35 PM on August 7, 2019 [20 favorites]
I like the suggestions about teaching him to actually help around the house and to read (both things that might take a while to pay off but still).
I also really want to second the comment about TV not being the end of the world. Educational TV is actually educational. There are a lot of studies about its pedagogical value, and anecdotally I learned a huge amount from it. You can also put on music or kids' radio shows or audiobooks and say it's listening together time.
Some other ideas: invite a friend over so they can play together (or alternate having playdates at other people's houses). Send him on assignments - can you find the thing I hid in that room?/fold some origami things like I showed you so we can make a zoo for Other Parent?/find the biggest animal in this National Geographic book?/draw a letter for your cousins about the things you do at school? There are all kinds of activity books he can do. All these things might require some interaction from you (maybe he'll want to show you every few minutes) but are still less intensive than actually playing alongside him. You say that you set up activities but still need to attend to him, but maybe you can work on reducing your involvement and his need for feedback little by little, so that he knows you're there for him but can spend longer and longer on his own ("you drew the beginning of the letter? Great, show me again when you finish it!")
Finally, maybe sometimes you can get a babysitter or "mother's helper" for part of the weekends even when you're at home.
posted by trig at 1:45 PM on August 7, 2019 [6 favorites]
I also really want to second the comment about TV not being the end of the world. Educational TV is actually educational. There are a lot of studies about its pedagogical value, and anecdotally I learned a huge amount from it. You can also put on music or kids' radio shows or audiobooks and say it's listening together time.
Some other ideas: invite a friend over so they can play together (or alternate having playdates at other people's houses). Send him on assignments - can you find the thing I hid in that room?/fold some origami things like I showed you so we can make a zoo for Other Parent?/find the biggest animal in this National Geographic book?/draw a letter for your cousins about the things you do at school? There are all kinds of activity books he can do. All these things might require some interaction from you (maybe he'll want to show you every few minutes) but are still less intensive than actually playing alongside him. You say that you set up activities but still need to attend to him, but maybe you can work on reducing your involvement and his need for feedback little by little, so that he knows you're there for him but can spend longer and longer on his own ("you drew the beginning of the letter? Great, show me again when you finish it!")
Finally, maybe sometimes you can get a babysitter or "mother's helper" for part of the weekends even when you're at home.
posted by trig at 1:45 PM on August 7, 2019 [6 favorites]
like trig I was going to suggest a helper - a kid generally who is too young to do solo babysitting but can do activities with your son while you are otherwise occupied in the house. I used them quite a lot.
posted by biggreenplant at 3:35 PM on August 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by biggreenplant at 3:35 PM on August 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
“Listening together time” is a great idea and I wish I’d invented it. We do audiobooks and stories, nonfiction and fiction, on drives and the kids will often draw what they “see” while listening. I’d so internalized that this was a Road Trip Thing that I forgot we could do it at home. Thank you, trig.
posted by q*ben at 6:05 PM on August 7, 2019
posted by q*ben at 6:05 PM on August 7, 2019
I was an only child and I bumped up against this a lot when I was a kid. My parents were not the creative activity types (70s!) and instead redirected me to activities that I could do solo that they knew I would enjoy. This eventually developed into a healthy reading addiction.
With my own two kids, I treated this problem with the first kid kind of like sleep training. There will be resistance to me not providing activities (but I'm BORED) but eventually he will find his way through. This has worked somewhat with him. It usually took maybe two to three suggestions (play with legos, cars, build a fort, read a book) before he either picked one of them or came up with something on his own. For my youngest, 6.5, she often wants me to do activities with her but I have other things I need to do. So I offer to be with her while she does her thing while I'm doing my thing.
I am forever grateful to my parents for forcing me to be really good at entertaining myself. I am a champion at this skill - and it is a skill - and it has served me so well.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 8:20 PM on August 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
With my own two kids, I treated this problem with the first kid kind of like sleep training. There will be resistance to me not providing activities (but I'm BORED) but eventually he will find his way through. This has worked somewhat with him. It usually took maybe two to three suggestions (play with legos, cars, build a fort, read a book) before he either picked one of them or came up with something on his own. For my youngest, 6.5, she often wants me to do activities with her but I have other things I need to do. So I offer to be with her while she does her thing while I'm doing my thing.
I am forever grateful to my parents for forcing me to be really good at entertaining myself. I am a champion at this skill - and it is a skill - and it has served me so well.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 8:20 PM on August 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
The thing to look at here is whether he wants to be with you so you can entertain him or if he just doesn't want to be alone at all. If he's not self directed and needs someone to amuse him because he can't amuse himself, then you can coach him through those skills. - Get him to look at his toys or his books and pick one and decide on a game. Instead of making suggestions ask questions like, "What did you play with yesterday?" "Which one looks more interesting?" If he chooses lego or blocks "Is there anything you can play with at the same time to make it more fun?"
But if he doesn't want to be alone he needs some guidance in doing parallel play - "If you can play in here quietly for five minutes you can stay. But if you talk you have to go out of the room because I need it to be perfectly quiet while I write this letter." Start with very short sessions where he has to not interact. Given his age four minutes is probably about right until he gets used to it, the same like if you put him on time out.
Watch out for a child that needs company and interaction all the time. It is sometimes one of the signs of high anxiety. Even some very young children use intensity to distract themselves from worrying. Of course a four years old is not supposed to be alone. Your little guy has pretty much just reached the age when small kids develop a fear of monsters - that is, they want to know that they are not out of sight and out of mind in the dark. This is a survival trait that keeps small kids safe from coyotes and other scavengers. So if he wants the bedroom door open, and he wants to come out and figure out where you are or have you look in at him every few minutes that's pretty normal, I think. On the other hand if your little guy does not want to be alone at all, ever, that sounds like stronger anxiety, and you could look into teaching him to self soothe.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:55 PM on August 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
But if he doesn't want to be alone he needs some guidance in doing parallel play - "If you can play in here quietly for five minutes you can stay. But if you talk you have to go out of the room because I need it to be perfectly quiet while I write this letter." Start with very short sessions where he has to not interact. Given his age four minutes is probably about right until he gets used to it, the same like if you put him on time out.
Watch out for a child that needs company and interaction all the time. It is sometimes one of the signs of high anxiety. Even some very young children use intensity to distract themselves from worrying. Of course a four years old is not supposed to be alone. Your little guy has pretty much just reached the age when small kids develop a fear of monsters - that is, they want to know that they are not out of sight and out of mind in the dark. This is a survival trait that keeps small kids safe from coyotes and other scavengers. So if he wants the bedroom door open, and he wants to come out and figure out where you are or have you look in at him every few minutes that's pretty normal, I think. On the other hand if your little guy does not want to be alone at all, ever, that sounds like stronger anxiety, and you could look into teaching him to self soothe.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:55 PM on August 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
He has tons of toys, books, and instruments,
is it possible he's got too many choices? adults can be overwhelmed this way. for him, this can be controlled. (I don't mean throw away all his toys, just limit the immediate choices he's got if he doesn't do well faced with limitless possibilities.)
You said you can set him up with a project but you don't like having to always attend to him. but it sounds like only half of what he's after is constant contact; the other half is just he needs a direction. is it just as hard to make him leave you alone if, instead of saying Go play, you say Go play with your action figures, or Go draw me a picture, or Go practice your (whatever instrument)? If he can't have what he wants, which is to cling to you, I don't think the compromise of telling him how to play is so bad for him.
like if "go play" really means "leave me alone" of course he'll sense that and resist it whether he's really drawn to be with you right then or not. maybe he'd do better being actively sent towards something in particular, rather than be sent vaguely away from you. doesn't have to be an elaborate project you work up for him, just something specific and concrete. there's also no harm in letting him think he's doing whatever he's doing 'for you' -- if he's drawing pictures for his parents, or reading a book so he can tell you the story of it later, it gives him the feeling of connection while leaving you alone.
ideally, at least
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:39 PM on August 7, 2019 [3 favorites]
At that age, I imagine that hearing "go play" would be pretty overwhelming. That question is too big and opaque, and like others have noted, its hard for a young child to know how to answer it.
You could replace "go play" with a choice: "Kid, do you want to a) read a book or b) play with Legos?
That gives him a sense of concrete agency that might be easier than being overwhelmed by the "go play" directive.
posted by RajahKing at 10:24 AM on August 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
You could replace "go play" with a choice: "Kid, do you want to a) read a book or b) play with Legos?
That gives him a sense of concrete agency that might be easier than being overwhelmed by the "go play" directive.
posted by RajahKing at 10:24 AM on August 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm a nanny who recently stumbled upon the RIE philosophy while researching ways of handling a similar issue with one of my charges (who's also 4.5 yrs old). Janet Lansbury's blog has a wealth of information and ideas on how to respect and acknowledge your child's wishes, while still setting gentle limits and maintaining your own healthy boundaries. Some of the RIE methods seemed counterintuitive to me at first, but I've been floored with how effective they've been. This article in particular might be a helpful place to start!
posted by second banana at 1:29 PM on August 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by second banana at 1:29 PM on August 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm not a parent. But may I suggest music lessons or some other kind of enrichment class? Coding, Maths, etc. That way, he will have homework or something he needs to practice on his own, and its a routine.
posted by catbird at 6:54 PM on August 8, 2019
posted by catbird at 6:54 PM on August 8, 2019
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If you work during the week he may really just want to spend time with you. If you can't play with him, he can just help or observe and chat.
I am a stay at home mom so even though I was there 7 days - my youngest STILL wanted to do something with me all the time. To the point of even when he felt like reading his own book he wanted me in the room reading my book, too! And it didn't change too much. He's 11 now and I play a lot of minecraft and D & D.
posted by ReluctantViking at 1:01 PM on August 7, 2019 [11 favorites]