Being ghosted by two friends.
July 17, 2019 4:41 PM Subscribe
I have two friends, both of them relatively new friends, who I formed good, individual connections with, last year. For some reason, inexplicably, they’ve both ghosted on me.
Before I begin, I acknowledge and recognize that the feelings I’m working through are part of my unpacking process, and some of them are something I should talk through/explore with a therapist, when I get one.
This has been disheartening. Last year, I formed/built friendships with two people: let’s call them Brad and Paul. I’ve known both guys for a while, from back then (we all graduated from the same university, although over different years, and work at the same workplace, in different departments), but recently became closer with them, separately. I had some amazing conversations with Paul, and he came to my apartment several times. Brad treated me to a birthday dinner. This was all last year. Brad generally can be fickle at times, but he always eventually got back to me; Paul was always very responsive and fast to respond.
This year, however, has been weird. Brad fell out of touch with me, stopping responding to my texts completely. Paul and I continued to talk, and I treated him to a birthday dinner. After that, Paul went through a personal hard time, so I was there for him, providing emotional support if he needed. This was a few months ago, and he seemed to be getting better.
Now, Paul had stopped talking and texting me completely. I’ve texted him two times (one was just a simple checkin kind of text, while describing a wedding I was at recently, which we had talked about previously; then the second was a casual “hope you’re feeling better, how’s things?” check-in text). No response, nothing. The time between the two texts was about a month. I gave him plenty of time; still nothing. The two texts show as delivered, so it’s not an issue of him not receiving them, and he does show as active on other platforms. (His number could have changed, but he did change his number last year, and texted me right away with the change. Also, as we work at the same place, but at different departments [and don’t see each other in person due to proximity], he could have emailed me if it was an issue with technology.) This is perplexing because we would talk at least once, twice a week, both equally beginning the conversation.
Brad, like said above, has always been fickle/flaky, but this is the longest stretch. He, at one point, made it seem like he had a crush on me, just by the way he talked, but then he kept retreating back into his shell. (I could be wrong on the crush part, but that was my interpretation. He insisted on us getting together, but when I texted him to initiate plans, no response until months later.) Very exhausting to work with, TBH, but this is just weird.
This is hard on me, because of the abovementioned unpacking issues and feelings of abandonment, which, again, I recognize is something I need to work on. It’s really hard, though, because I’ve been ghosted in the past and it ended up really hurting, and I’m feeling the familiar pang come back. A trigger, if you might. It’s hard because I don’t know what I did wrong, if anything. Just, boom, stopped talking. It’s also hurtful because when Paul was going through a very hard time, at a point where many of his friends and community members abandoned/turned against him, I remained by his side. I also am not sure how to proceed, as I am very afraid if I follow up again, I’ll be viewed as annoying or something. I’m in limbo, and it’s not a good feeling. It’s summer, his job is busy during the fall and spring, so this could have been the perfect time to get together, but nothing. Just crickets.
If you have had experiences being ghosted, I’d love to hear recommendations on the best way to proceed. I want to get out of this limbo. Thanks.
Before I begin, I acknowledge and recognize that the feelings I’m working through are part of my unpacking process, and some of them are something I should talk through/explore with a therapist, when I get one.
This has been disheartening. Last year, I formed/built friendships with two people: let’s call them Brad and Paul. I’ve known both guys for a while, from back then (we all graduated from the same university, although over different years, and work at the same workplace, in different departments), but recently became closer with them, separately. I had some amazing conversations with Paul, and he came to my apartment several times. Brad treated me to a birthday dinner. This was all last year. Brad generally can be fickle at times, but he always eventually got back to me; Paul was always very responsive and fast to respond.
This year, however, has been weird. Brad fell out of touch with me, stopping responding to my texts completely. Paul and I continued to talk, and I treated him to a birthday dinner. After that, Paul went through a personal hard time, so I was there for him, providing emotional support if he needed. This was a few months ago, and he seemed to be getting better.
Now, Paul had stopped talking and texting me completely. I’ve texted him two times (one was just a simple checkin kind of text, while describing a wedding I was at recently, which we had talked about previously; then the second was a casual “hope you’re feeling better, how’s things?” check-in text). No response, nothing. The time between the two texts was about a month. I gave him plenty of time; still nothing. The two texts show as delivered, so it’s not an issue of him not receiving them, and he does show as active on other platforms. (His number could have changed, but he did change his number last year, and texted me right away with the change. Also, as we work at the same place, but at different departments [and don’t see each other in person due to proximity], he could have emailed me if it was an issue with technology.) This is perplexing because we would talk at least once, twice a week, both equally beginning the conversation.
Brad, like said above, has always been fickle/flaky, but this is the longest stretch. He, at one point, made it seem like he had a crush on me, just by the way he talked, but then he kept retreating back into his shell. (I could be wrong on the crush part, but that was my interpretation. He insisted on us getting together, but when I texted him to initiate plans, no response until months later.) Very exhausting to work with, TBH, but this is just weird.
This is hard on me, because of the abovementioned unpacking issues and feelings of abandonment, which, again, I recognize is something I need to work on. It’s really hard, though, because I’ve been ghosted in the past and it ended up really hurting, and I’m feeling the familiar pang come back. A trigger, if you might. It’s hard because I don’t know what I did wrong, if anything. Just, boom, stopped talking. It’s also hurtful because when Paul was going through a very hard time, at a point where many of his friends and community members abandoned/turned against him, I remained by his side. I also am not sure how to proceed, as I am very afraid if I follow up again, I’ll be viewed as annoying or something. I’m in limbo, and it’s not a good feeling. It’s summer, his job is busy during the fall and spring, so this could have been the perfect time to get together, but nothing. Just crickets.
If you have had experiences being ghosted, I’d love to hear recommendations on the best way to proceed. I want to get out of this limbo. Thanks.
You're calling it limbo, which is generally a condition of uncertainty. But you have been ghosted; as absolutely passive-aggressive as ghosting can be, the time has been long enough that you have certainty. Accepting that is your task. Sure, you want to fix what went wrong, but if you can't know what that was, you can't know, so just keep improving yourself and move on.
What I think you want is getting your friendships back, and well, barring the unexpected, that should be considered off the table for being too unlikely. It's a reasonable desire, but not a reasonable expectation at this point.
If you have any mutual friends, those would be people who can get information as to why you were ghosted. What I would avoid doing is using these mutual friends as a go-between for any specific messages you have for Brad and Paul; the friends can communicate your desire to get back in touch and resolve any enmity that caused the ghosting in the first place.
Also, until you know different, it's just a coincidence that these two people ghosted you around the same time. That means you might solve one but not the other. Treat them separately.
posted by Sunburnt at 5:19 PM on July 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
What I think you want is getting your friendships back, and well, barring the unexpected, that should be considered off the table for being too unlikely. It's a reasonable desire, but not a reasonable expectation at this point.
If you have any mutual friends, those would be people who can get information as to why you were ghosted. What I would avoid doing is using these mutual friends as a go-between for any specific messages you have for Brad and Paul; the friends can communicate your desire to get back in touch and resolve any enmity that caused the ghosting in the first place.
Also, until you know different, it's just a coincidence that these two people ghosted you around the same time. That means you might solve one but not the other. Treat them separately.
posted by Sunburnt at 5:19 PM on July 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
Paul was going through a very hard time, at a point where many of his friends and community members abandoned/turned against him, I remained by his side.
in general I think it's always best to be loyal if you can do that without betraying some principle or other person. so I will assume you did a good thing here. but in dropping you this way, maybe he is showing you a part of himself that those people who abandoned him already saw.
maybe that's impossible because it wasn't that kind of a hard time. but even still, you could be just another casualty of whatever made it difficult for him to maintain relationships while struggling. or maybe that's all over but he hates being reminded of that period in his life. lots of possible reasons why the friendship could be over without you doing anything wrong.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:30 PM on July 17, 2019 [11 favorites]
in general I think it's always best to be loyal if you can do that without betraying some principle or other person. so I will assume you did a good thing here. but in dropping you this way, maybe he is showing you a part of himself that those people who abandoned him already saw.
maybe that's impossible because it wasn't that kind of a hard time. but even still, you could be just another casualty of whatever made it difficult for him to maintain relationships while struggling. or maybe that's all over but he hates being reminded of that period in his life. lots of possible reasons why the friendship could be over without you doing anything wrong.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:30 PM on July 17, 2019 [11 favorites]
When I have done this to friends, I was depressed and isolating myself. Not the only possibility, but if you’re looking for reasons to feel kindly toward them and to help you take it less personally, that could help.
posted by ocherdraco at 5:36 PM on July 17, 2019 [32 favorites]
posted by ocherdraco at 5:36 PM on July 17, 2019 [32 favorites]
Some people get scared when a friendship becomes "serious" when it's not just fun and random but involves commitment. Just like a romantic relationship.
For example, you are there for your friend when he's down. He may be grateful but now may feel he owes you, that if you need him he will have to reciprocate and that scares him. And so he bails because he doesn't want to feel that obligation. It's immature but I don't think it's uncommon.
You were offering/looking for a genuine connection. Maybe these dudes weren't up to that.
posted by emjaybee at 8:14 PM on July 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
For example, you are there for your friend when he's down. He may be grateful but now may feel he owes you, that if you need him he will have to reciprocate and that scares him. And so he bails because he doesn't want to feel that obligation. It's immature but I don't think it's uncommon.
You were offering/looking for a genuine connection. Maybe these dudes weren't up to that.
posted by emjaybee at 8:14 PM on July 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
Try to not blame yourself! It is a pure coincidence that this happened simultaneously or near simultaneously w two separate people. Also, it sounds like you've had some success- you did in fact make friends and have a good time with them, and develop bonds. And, you've treated their negligence with a lot of respect through tactful and kind texts. It seems you also may have learned that you can in fact make friends with intention, which is great. It's hard to put yourself out there.
I've been in an intensive academic program and told my friends in advance that I'd most likely disappear for several months and hoped to reconnect when I surfaced, and 99% of my friends were on board w that, but I did have a friend who took it very personally in spite of the context. There's also a chance i didn't give all my friends enough of a heads up. But, people go through things all the time and this likely has nothing to do with you! There could be family emergencies, accidents, illnesses, etc on their end.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you, and it's understandable to blame yourself a bit even when it's very likely not your fault at all. Be kind to yourself.
posted by erattacorrige at 9:12 PM on July 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
I've been in an intensive academic program and told my friends in advance that I'd most likely disappear for several months and hoped to reconnect when I surfaced, and 99% of my friends were on board w that, but I did have a friend who took it very personally in spite of the context. There's also a chance i didn't give all my friends enough of a heads up. But, people go through things all the time and this likely has nothing to do with you! There could be family emergencies, accidents, illnesses, etc on their end.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you, and it's understandable to blame yourself a bit even when it's very likely not your fault at all. Be kind to yourself.
posted by erattacorrige at 9:12 PM on July 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
You sound a lot like me, emotionally, and I take these kinds of situations very much to heart, too. For me, it's like because I take perceived rejection so hard, I think there's an intense energy surrounding my close friendships and sometimes people back away even more/become flaky more because they are afraid of hurting or disappointing me, because I react so badly to it (not saying this is your situation).
I know it's really hard not to take it personally, but when we take things personally in this situation, they just become so much more difficult. It's totally okay to feel hurt, but beyond being hurt, when we start to internalize other's behavior and make assumptions about what they are thinking and feeling about us, it feels so much worse. (not saying you are doing that either- but I have a hunch that's why it's so hurtful).
There's also a need to understand and be in control of things which I have, which also makes things more difficult. All we can really do is decide whether we are able to accept what someone is offering/how they treat us, and move on from there. You may not be able to handle flaky friends, and that's okay. But there's also a danger of cutting off flaky friends so much that your circle becomes more and more narrow, as opposed to taking people for what they are, not relying on the flaky ones for certain things, and using the time to build more connections and do more things that are enriching. I think the latter makes for a happier person (I'm trying to get there, myself).
posted by bearette at 6:46 AM on July 18, 2019
I know it's really hard not to take it personally, but when we take things personally in this situation, they just become so much more difficult. It's totally okay to feel hurt, but beyond being hurt, when we start to internalize other's behavior and make assumptions about what they are thinking and feeling about us, it feels so much worse. (not saying you are doing that either- but I have a hunch that's why it's so hurtful).
There's also a need to understand and be in control of things which I have, which also makes things more difficult. All we can really do is decide whether we are able to accept what someone is offering/how they treat us, and move on from there. You may not be able to handle flaky friends, and that's okay. But there's also a danger of cutting off flaky friends so much that your circle becomes more and more narrow, as opposed to taking people for what they are, not relying on the flaky ones for certain things, and using the time to build more connections and do more things that are enriching. I think the latter makes for a happier person (I'm trying to get there, myself).
posted by bearette at 6:46 AM on July 18, 2019
I might send a text gently asking if they’re depressed - in my circle of friends that might mean saying something like “Hey just checking in- we haven’t connected in a while. How are things? Let me know if you’re having a moment & I can help in any way”
It sounds like it’s just an unfortunate coincidence that it’s happening with two people at once.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:27 AM on July 18, 2019
It sounds like it’s just an unfortunate coincidence that it’s happening with two people at once.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:27 AM on July 18, 2019
Response by poster: All of your answers has been very helpful. I'm sorry for the very late response (don't want to sound like I've ghosted y'all, haha), but I did hear back from Paul. It turns out he was very depressed. We got together in person and talked things through, so that part of the equation all worked out, and it was definitely nothing related with me!
As for Brad, I'll also follow up and see from there. Thanks, all!
posted by dubious_dude at 9:06 PM on July 25, 2019
As for Brad, I'll also follow up and see from there. Thanks, all!
posted by dubious_dude at 9:06 PM on July 25, 2019
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In your shoes, since it seems like the uncertainty of ghosting is hurtful to you, I would take ownership of it and send something like “I’m getting the sense that you don’t want to stay in contact. Just want to let you know that I’m here if you decide to reach out in the future. Take care” and then mentally move on.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
posted by Automocar at 4:48 PM on July 17, 2019 [4 favorites]