“I love you” ...”I know”
July 16, 2019 9:08 AM Subscribe
How do you handle it when your boy/girlfriend tells you they love you but you’re not ready to say it back?
Specifics: were cis/het folks in our 30s-40s so this is not the first rodeo for either of us. I want to be kind but truthful to my partner ...but so far have kind of avoided saying anything at all when they say it to me. Do I have to explain that I’m not ready to say it yet? How?
Specifics: were cis/het folks in our 30s-40s so this is not the first rodeo for either of us. I want to be kind but truthful to my partner ...but so far have kind of avoided saying anything at all when they say it to me. Do I have to explain that I’m not ready to say it yet? How?
When I was in my early 30s I fell for a man and told him I loved him within a few months. He was not at that stage. Like you two, we were adults and this was not my first rodeo so I was OK with that, and we talked about it openly. I was upfront and asked him to tell me as soon as he knew it wasn't going to happen for him, because I didn't want to waste time in a relationship going nowhere. He agreed, and everything about him up to that point made me think he was an honourable human, so I believed him.
At some point it did happen for him. We moved in together 9 months after we met and were married less than 2 years later. It will be 15 years in September.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:21 AM on July 16, 2019 [18 favorites]
At some point it did happen for him. We moved in together 9 months after we met and were married less than 2 years later. It will be 15 years in September.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:21 AM on July 16, 2019 [18 favorites]
I think you answered your own question -- be kind and truthful. No response is a response, so if you haven't said anything at all when they've said "I love you," they already know you don't return the exact sentiment. But if you care about this person, and are open to the possibility that it will grow into love, you can simply say so. "That's so lovely to hear. I'm not ready to say those words, but I care about you a lot and am happy with where this is going." Or whatever version of that is true to you.
posted by adastra at 9:22 AM on July 16, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by adastra at 9:22 AM on July 16, 2019 [15 favorites]
This happened when my husband and I were dating! About two months in, he told me he loved me and I froze like a deer in the headlights and mumbled, "I'm not ready for that yet." And he didn't bring it up again until I said it, like, six months later. (I am very slow to warm up to people and even slower to fall in love.) Adastra's excellent dialogue is WAY better than my frozen panic, lol.
posted by Aquifer at 9:52 AM on July 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by Aquifer at 9:52 AM on July 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
so i'm on the flip of this. i'm the one who said/says i love you, and he's the one who can't/won't. HOWEVER he shows me every day that he loves me by his actions. my love language is generally words of affirmation, so this was really hard for me at first. but, even tho he doesn't say the words, i know he does love me.
all that to say, are you showing your person that you care about them in other ways?
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:54 AM on July 16, 2019 [7 favorites]
all that to say, are you showing your person that you care about them in other ways?
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:54 AM on July 16, 2019 [7 favorites]
I once pretended not to hear. Multiple times. I don't necessarily recommend this approach.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:58 AM on July 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:58 AM on July 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
I’m one who tends to say “I love you” first. As such, I don’t usually expect the object of my affection to reciprocate immediately, and try to make it clear that my saying it doesn’t mean I expect it back.
Since you’re on the flip side, if I were you I’d explain that you’re someone who’s slower to use that specific phrase, but you appreciate very much that they’re at a place where they want to. I’ve had partners say this to me before, and it made total sense to me and didn’t bother me at all.
And unless they specifically say that they really want you to say it back, please don’t take it as pressure to express feelings that you don’t have yet. I had one relationship bust up partly because the other person felt pressured whenever I said I loved them. But I didn’t care if they said it back; I just needed to be free to express my own feelings.
posted by ocherdraco at 11:43 AM on July 16, 2019 [6 favorites]
Since you’re on the flip side, if I were you I’d explain that you’re someone who’s slower to use that specific phrase, but you appreciate very much that they’re at a place where they want to. I’ve had partners say this to me before, and it made total sense to me and didn’t bother me at all.
And unless they specifically say that they really want you to say it back, please don’t take it as pressure to express feelings that you don’t have yet. I had one relationship bust up partly because the other person felt pressured whenever I said I loved them. But I didn’t care if they said it back; I just needed to be free to express my own feelings.
posted by ocherdraco at 11:43 AM on July 16, 2019 [6 favorites]
Do you feel like you are heading in that direction but you're not quite ready to say it? Or, do you feel like you probably aren't ever going to be? Are you someone who generally is comfortable saying this or is it somewhat difficult for you?
I do think a conversation would be a kindness, and I can share a recent experience. I told my partner I loved him quite a while before he told me. I had only told him once, I think. A while later, we had a conversation where he said he was trying to figure out why he was having a hard time saying it (because he knew he had strong feelings for me). I also felt love from him in other ways, but it was helpful for me that he raised the issue without me asking.
He told me he loved me probably a month or two after that... and he said it first, it wasn't in response to me.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:58 AM on July 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
I do think a conversation would be a kindness, and I can share a recent experience. I told my partner I loved him quite a while before he told me. I had only told him once, I think. A while later, we had a conversation where he said he was trying to figure out why he was having a hard time saying it (because he knew he had strong feelings for me). I also felt love from him in other ways, but it was helpful for me that he raised the issue without me asking.
He told me he loved me probably a month or two after that... and he said it first, it wasn't in response to me.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:58 AM on July 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
Hey I just wanted you to know that I hear you saying "you love me" and I super appreciate that you feel safe enough to share your feelings about me so vulnerably. I also hope you know that I really enjoy being with you and can appreciate that I don''t feel ready to respond in kind to your affirmation yet. Is that OK?
posted by allkindsoftime at 12:52 PM on July 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by allkindsoftime at 12:52 PM on July 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
I mean love is an attachment that is either there or isn't. Sometimes it just takes longer to grow, others it is relatively quick (even if we don't like the person), others it never does. I think just saying "I'm very fond of you, too." is enough. It's not a flat out rejection as silence might convey, it doesn't require a deep, surgical heart to heart around feelings and phrases that can seem rather heavy and awkward, and is hopefully honest. Personally, I just don't use the phrase "I love you" at all because of a childhood where I was forced to say I loved family members that I honestly despised just as a face-keeping ritual, so I never use it even when I do feel it. It feels really overused and, I dunno...irrevocable? I usually say "I love x, y, and z about you" or the above "fondness" phrase but never "I love you."
posted by Young Kullervo at 1:24 PM on July 16, 2019
posted by Young Kullervo at 1:24 PM on July 16, 2019
Of course, if they ask why you don't say you love them in return, then the talk about where your feelings are is probably the best route.
posted by Young Kullervo at 1:27 PM on July 16, 2019
posted by Young Kullervo at 1:27 PM on July 16, 2019
But if you care about this person, and are open to the possibility that it will grow into love, you can simply say so. "That's so lovely to hear. I'm not ready to say those words, but I care about you a lot and am happy with where this is going."
I did a variation of exactly this, the last time someone told me. He'd blurted it out one morning, and after a happy pause, I explained that I wasn't quite ready to say it yet - I'd promised myself I'd never tell someone I loved them before I knew i was ready, but that i'd also promised myself that I wouldn't avoid saying that to someone if I did feel it. But I was confident I was indeed going to be ready to say it sometime very soon, and in the meantime I didn't want to be dishonest. He understood.
And then three days later I was ready and told him.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:55 PM on July 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
I did a variation of exactly this, the last time someone told me. He'd blurted it out one morning, and after a happy pause, I explained that I wasn't quite ready to say it yet - I'd promised myself I'd never tell someone I loved them before I knew i was ready, but that i'd also promised myself that I wouldn't avoid saying that to someone if I did feel it. But I was confident I was indeed going to be ready to say it sometime very soon, and in the meantime I didn't want to be dishonest. He understood.
And then three days later I was ready and told him.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:55 PM on July 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
I was the first to say it!
I said "I love you" and he said "You do?"
And that was the end of that. I knew he would get there in his own time and I just kept saying I love you until he said it back.
What I'm getting at, is sometimes the other person doesn't need a long explanation about why you aren't saying it! Sometimes they just know it'll come when it comes!
posted by JenThePro at 2:20 PM on July 16, 2019
I said "I love you" and he said "You do?"
And that was the end of that. I knew he would get there in his own time and I just kept saying I love you until he said it back.
What I'm getting at, is sometimes the other person doesn't need a long explanation about why you aren't saying it! Sometimes they just know it'll come when it comes!
posted by JenThePro at 2:20 PM on July 16, 2019
This happened with me and my boyfriend. I already knew that he took the word "love" very seriously, and only had told a very select few people that he loved them. I am a little more cavalier. I told him I loved him; he said "I have really strong feelings for you, but I'm not quite ready to say that yet", which I was totally fine with. That shortly turned into "I feel it. I'm right there, but it hasn't been long enough for me to say it to you yet". Then, he did when he felt ready, and it has been great since. The open, sincere communication is key.
(I told him a week after meeting him, it took him a week after that. We joke that it took him twice as long to drop the L word :). I would have been patient for as long as it took him to get there, knowing that he did care deeply about me.)
posted by Fig at 2:43 PM on July 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
(I told him a week after meeting him, it took him a week after that. We joke that it took him twice as long to drop the L word :). I would have been patient for as long as it took him to get there, knowing that he did care deeply about me.)
posted by Fig at 2:43 PM on July 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
There are people who are perfectly happy to keep telling you they love you, even though you don't love them, without resentment, forever, as long as they're having a good time and you're not mean about it or anything.
there are other people who look to all appearances just like the first kind, but who are totally different. scarily different. because they've spun themselves an elaborate private story where you have some kind of cursed inability to form the magic words, but they can just sense through your special smiles and the way you make a cup of coffee and the way you hang your hat on the bedpost that you love them very deeply even though you are adorably unable to say it. these people seem like they don't mind that you don't love them, but what's actually going on is they don't believe it and won't hear it. they will insist that you have proved it with your every action, no matter what you think you feel.
on the one hand, it is downright vicious to reply to an "I love you" with "Thanks! Knock yourself out, I don't mind, but you should know I don't love you back." on the other hand, be very very careful that you are not mistaking a type B for a type A. a type B does not like to draw logical conclusions, and it could take years for the truth to percolate, but once it does it will be very bad. if you allow them to fool themselves this way, you will be complicit in the harm they do themselves when they figure it out.
If you feel not just cruel but dishonest saying "I don't love you," figure out what you actually do feel. 'Not there yet' is nonsensical. "not ready to say it" is the coward's way of saying "don't feel it." If you don't love them "yet" because you're caught up in the process of falling in love but are not all the way "in" love yet -- as one can be on a road trip to California and be absolutely sure one will be in California this time tomorrow, even though one is stuck in the middle of Nevada right now -- say that. Not the part about being in Nevada, the part where you're falling in love with them. it's distinct from being "in love," it is more romantic if anything, it's a state of motion and progress towards a goal. a goal they have already reached, but they will recognize and fondly remember the feeling of excitement in travel, the falling part.
if that isn't true, though, for god's sake don't say it.
and if you not only don't love them but aren't falling in love with them, what do you feel? do you think they're wonderful? does it make you glad just to know they're alive and full of energy when they walk into a room? say that. say anything that is complimentary and true. just for the love of god don't say "thank you."
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:03 PM on July 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
there are other people who look to all appearances just like the first kind, but who are totally different. scarily different. because they've spun themselves an elaborate private story where you have some kind of cursed inability to form the magic words, but they can just sense through your special smiles and the way you make a cup of coffee and the way you hang your hat on the bedpost that you love them very deeply even though you are adorably unable to say it. these people seem like they don't mind that you don't love them, but what's actually going on is they don't believe it and won't hear it. they will insist that you have proved it with your every action, no matter what you think you feel.
on the one hand, it is downright vicious to reply to an "I love you" with "Thanks! Knock yourself out, I don't mind, but you should know I don't love you back." on the other hand, be very very careful that you are not mistaking a type B for a type A. a type B does not like to draw logical conclusions, and it could take years for the truth to percolate, but once it does it will be very bad. if you allow them to fool themselves this way, you will be complicit in the harm they do themselves when they figure it out.
If you feel not just cruel but dishonest saying "I don't love you," figure out what you actually do feel. 'Not there yet' is nonsensical. "not ready to say it" is the coward's way of saying "don't feel it." If you don't love them "yet" because you're caught up in the process of falling in love but are not all the way "in" love yet -- as one can be on a road trip to California and be absolutely sure one will be in California this time tomorrow, even though one is stuck in the middle of Nevada right now -- say that. Not the part about being in Nevada, the part where you're falling in love with them. it's distinct from being "in love," it is more romantic if anything, it's a state of motion and progress towards a goal. a goal they have already reached, but they will recognize and fondly remember the feeling of excitement in travel, the falling part.
if that isn't true, though, for god's sake don't say it.
and if you not only don't love them but aren't falling in love with them, what do you feel? do you think they're wonderful? does it make you glad just to know they're alive and full of energy when they walk into a room? say that. say anything that is complimentary and true. just for the love of god don't say "thank you."
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:03 PM on July 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
I think the best answer in this situation is a huge smile, and then an animated bout of kissing.
posted by hungrytiger at 9:11 PM on July 16, 2019
posted by hungrytiger at 9:11 PM on July 16, 2019
You need to have a talk about what the word love means to each of you. For some people it really just means a feeling. For others it is reserved for when the feeling becomes a commitment. It's possible you have the same level of feeling towards each other but that for you the word "love" is reserved for committed certainty. If that's so, your partner should know.
If you're not feeling a lot towards them though, they need to know that too. It's easy for the one who says "I love you" to look for hopeful signs that the lover feels the same as they do but isn't ready for this or that reason to use the word. Don't let them live with this idea if it's not so.
posted by nantucket at 10:32 PM on July 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
If you're not feeling a lot towards them though, they need to know that too. It's easy for the one who says "I love you" to look for hopeful signs that the lover feels the same as they do but isn't ready for this or that reason to use the word. Don't let them live with this idea if it's not so.
posted by nantucket at 10:32 PM on July 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
I have a very hard time saying I love you even to my family and have always had the same issue in relationships - and sometimes it's not that I don't feel the love, it just feels like nails on a chalk board saying it and why do I have to always part ways or end phone calls with that phrase to prove that I do actually indeed love that person. Over time of course with a relationship it gets much easier but in the beginning... just... uncomfortable.
If you're not ready, that's one thing. If you get a weird discomfort, that's been my problem. Think it out in your head (like other commenters - what do you define as love, who do you say I love you to or have in the past say that and why is it different) so you can have a very delicate conversation with this person. Sorry this is awkward for you.
posted by hillabeans at 2:30 PM on July 17, 2019
If you're not ready, that's one thing. If you get a weird discomfort, that's been my problem. Think it out in your head (like other commenters - what do you define as love, who do you say I love you to or have in the past say that and why is it different) so you can have a very delicate conversation with this person. Sorry this is awkward for you.
posted by hillabeans at 2:30 PM on July 17, 2019
say anything that is complimentary and true.
Sometimes I think couples should take a break from "I love you". People use it to mean so many things, and sometimes it's nice to hear what those things are. When I say it it can mean any or all of:
I care about you
I like you
I like spending time with you
You make me laugh
I love the way you think about things
You look beautiful
I am turned on right now
Thank you for doing the thing
I feel bad for that thing that happened and seeing you hurt makes me hurt
I will always be there for you
And on and on.
That's a lot of heavy lifting for three words. If you don't feel ready to use them, but you do have lots of positive feelings about the person and your relationship, you can always say those things directly.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:51 AM on July 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
Sometimes I think couples should take a break from "I love you". People use it to mean so many things, and sometimes it's nice to hear what those things are. When I say it it can mean any or all of:
I care about you
I like you
I like spending time with you
You make me laugh
I love the way you think about things
You look beautiful
I am turned on right now
Thank you for doing the thing
I feel bad for that thing that happened and seeing you hurt makes me hurt
I will always be there for you
And on and on.
That's a lot of heavy lifting for three words. If you don't feel ready to use them, but you do have lots of positive feelings about the person and your relationship, you can always say those things directly.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:51 AM on July 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
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I would say something along the lines of:
"I hear you and understand you and while I am not currently ready to reciprocate such statements you should know that I love spending time with you, I love getting to know you, there are lots of things I love, hopefully you are onbaord with continuing to explore "us" together and my lack of currently readiness is not an issue".
but I think the words are probably less important than the intent and the actual feeling of the conversation.
posted by Cosine at 9:20 AM on July 16, 2019 [4 favorites]