At what age can kids watch scary movies and why would they?
July 2, 2019 9:05 AM Subscribe
My daughter is nine and has for the last two years wanted to watch various scary movies she has heard about. She was really into the idea of Five Nights at Freddy, and also tells us that kids at school have watched Nightmare on Elm Street and It and that she would like to do the same. We don't allow any of that, but I am wondering when we should and kinda... why we should?
On the one hand, our daughter's teachers, along with other adults, consistently complement her attitude and demeanor above all else. Her teacher of the past two years practically raved about her empathy, praising her for always being the first kid to help others and to be their when someone was hurt or crying in the classroom. On the other hand, she has had some unusual life experiences which may contribute to a desire for more intensely dramatic stories and experiences - for instance, for about a year and a half she had a rather difficult chronic illness, which is fortunately now completely cured.
She has been asking to watch various horror movies she hears about for the past two years or more. I don't really believe the kids at her school are actually watching the movies they claim to watch, but rather are repeating things they hear older siblings or other adults talk about.
She does love scary movies that are (hopefully) age appropriate, such as the Goosebump movies and TV shows, the Ghostbusters movie with the all-female crew and a few others like those. She has occasionally started to see things that are too scary and recognize that she can't handle them (thanks Netflix for your very non-granular controls!). We watch pretty much everything with her.
Recently, my wife made some deal with her that if she finished reading a rather large chapter book she checked out from the library (she also recently completed vision therapy and has made huge leaps as a reader), then my wife would let her check out and read the book "It." Now, I know my wife is thinking that our daughter will be unlikely to finish her big chapter book, and if she does maybe she should get some thrilling reward. Further, she is probably thinking that Stephen King's book will actually be kinda boring to a modern nine year-old who mostly likes girl-and-her-wolf stories.
I imagine we are going to hold out until she's thirteen, at least. Neither my wife nor I have ever really watched horror movies and are both probably on the sensitive side of the spectrum (our day jobs are in the art/design world). We don't have any interest in horror or scary movies, so I think we partly don't understand how there could be any "upside" to letting her watch these things. I do know people, such as one set of cousins, who started watching horror movies at a pretty young age, who didn't suffer any trauma as a result. In fact, I'm sure they still love horror movies! But, since we don't "get it," I am wondering if any MeFites could talk about their childhood experiences watching scary movies and/or how they have handled it with their children?
On the one hand, our daughter's teachers, along with other adults, consistently complement her attitude and demeanor above all else. Her teacher of the past two years practically raved about her empathy, praising her for always being the first kid to help others and to be their when someone was hurt or crying in the classroom. On the other hand, she has had some unusual life experiences which may contribute to a desire for more intensely dramatic stories and experiences - for instance, for about a year and a half she had a rather difficult chronic illness, which is fortunately now completely cured.
She has been asking to watch various horror movies she hears about for the past two years or more. I don't really believe the kids at her school are actually watching the movies they claim to watch, but rather are repeating things they hear older siblings or other adults talk about.
She does love scary movies that are (hopefully) age appropriate, such as the Goosebump movies and TV shows, the Ghostbusters movie with the all-female crew and a few others like those. She has occasionally started to see things that are too scary and recognize that she can't handle them (thanks Netflix for your very non-granular controls!). We watch pretty much everything with her.
Recently, my wife made some deal with her that if she finished reading a rather large chapter book she checked out from the library (she also recently completed vision therapy and has made huge leaps as a reader), then my wife would let her check out and read the book "It." Now, I know my wife is thinking that our daughter will be unlikely to finish her big chapter book, and if she does maybe she should get some thrilling reward. Further, she is probably thinking that Stephen King's book will actually be kinda boring to a modern nine year-old who mostly likes girl-and-her-wolf stories.
I imagine we are going to hold out until she's thirteen, at least. Neither my wife nor I have ever really watched horror movies and are both probably on the sensitive side of the spectrum (our day jobs are in the art/design world). We don't have any interest in horror or scary movies, so I think we partly don't understand how there could be any "upside" to letting her watch these things. I do know people, such as one set of cousins, who started watching horror movies at a pretty young age, who didn't suffer any trauma as a result. In fact, I'm sure they still love horror movies! But, since we don't "get it," I am wondering if any MeFites could talk about their childhood experiences watching scary movies and/or how they have handled it with their children?
I'm a huge Stephen King fan and started reading his books at a fairly young age, but nine is just way too young to read IT. It has a lot of sexual stuff (molestation, a weird orgy(?)) that you probably don't want to get into at that age.
I actually DO think that you could try showing her the original IT miniseries and see if it strikes her fancy. I also think the new version (note, both sanitize the sexual stuff) would be almost kinda sorta ok for a nine year old, but it has a lot of bad language that you might not want her exposed to.
I kinda think horror fans are born and not made, it sounds like you have a budding horror weirdo on your hands. I was into this stuff from a very young age and I'm a normal empathetic person. If your kid is interested in this genre, encourage it! Give her "Eyes of the Dragon" if she wants to read a Stephen King book. Let her watch the original Poltergeist. If it's too intense for her, no harm, no foul. (Full disclosure: I super don't have kids)
posted by cakelite at 9:21 AM on July 2, 2019 [30 favorites]
I actually DO think that you could try showing her the original IT miniseries and see if it strikes her fancy. I also think the new version (note, both sanitize the sexual stuff) would be almost kinda sorta ok for a nine year old, but it has a lot of bad language that you might not want her exposed to.
I kinda think horror fans are born and not made, it sounds like you have a budding horror weirdo on your hands. I was into this stuff from a very young age and I'm a normal empathetic person. If your kid is interested in this genre, encourage it! Give her "Eyes of the Dragon" if she wants to read a Stephen King book. Let her watch the original Poltergeist. If it's too intense for her, no harm, no foul. (Full disclosure: I super don't have kids)
posted by cakelite at 9:21 AM on July 2, 2019 [30 favorites]
This is a really timely question for me. I don't have children, but I have just finished reading "It," exactly 20 years after having read it the first time at age 13. I have two friends, both with prior interest in sci-fi/fantasy, who started reading Stephen King in their pre-teen years. I don't think either of them would have read King as early as 9 years old.
If it helps, the children in "It" are 11 years old. Honestly, that would be a perfect time for her to read "It"! The age of the children and their precise mindset at that time are important elements of the story.
Your daughter is certainly likely to have the reading/language skills necessary to understand the plot, but perhaps there's an intermediary between "girl and her wolf" and "one of the scariest books." What about Harry Potter? There are even other non-horror Stephen King books that would be easy to get into: e.g. The Green Mile.
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:21 AM on July 2, 2019
If it helps, the children in "It" are 11 years old. Honestly, that would be a perfect time for her to read "It"! The age of the children and their precise mindset at that time are important elements of the story.
Your daughter is certainly likely to have the reading/language skills necessary to understand the plot, but perhaps there's an intermediary between "girl and her wolf" and "one of the scariest books." What about Harry Potter? There are even other non-horror Stephen King books that would be easy to get into: e.g. The Green Mile.
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:21 AM on July 2, 2019
It's fun to be scared. Not for you, sure, but for other people. It's very similar to how some people adore roller coasters and some people are absolutely petrified.
Also, I don't think you need to "get it." You just need to really understand your daughter is a different person than you and that her wants and interests will often not align with yours, more so as she grows older. I know you know this, but it's still hard!
Anyway, I sort of feel like scary movies with your friends and the chance to all be scared and scream and then laugh at yourselves together is a right of passage/bonding thing. I think you need to be careful what you let her see, especially in terms of violence and gore, but her interest seems healthy.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:21 AM on July 2, 2019 [15 favorites]
Also, I don't think you need to "get it." You just need to really understand your daughter is a different person than you and that her wants and interests will often not align with yours, more so as she grows older. I know you know this, but it's still hard!
Anyway, I sort of feel like scary movies with your friends and the chance to all be scared and scream and then laugh at yourselves together is a right of passage/bonding thing. I think you need to be careful what you let her see, especially in terms of violence and gore, but her interest seems healthy.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:21 AM on July 2, 2019 [15 favorites]
I watched Pet Semetary when I was 12 and I have never recovered.
I'm in the "no, too young" corner.
Note: I am a horror fan, and have watched a metric ton of horror movies over the years, and they generally don't affect me much beyond a couple screams during the film. But the memory of Pet Semetary still gives me nightmares. I think my fragile little kid brain was not ready for it, and the terror is almost burned into my brain.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:22 AM on July 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
I'm in the "no, too young" corner.
Note: I am a horror fan, and have watched a metric ton of horror movies over the years, and they generally don't affect me much beyond a couple screams during the film. But the memory of Pet Semetary still gives me nightmares. I think my fragile little kid brain was not ready for it, and the terror is almost burned into my brain.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:22 AM on July 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
Seems a bit weird to me to veto scary films but allow Stephen King books. "It" is scary. I'd stick with actual "spooky" kids' books like Goosebumps- there's loads of that kind of thing which are way more suitable for her age. Maybe it's too late to back-pedal on your wife's deal, but if you can substitute a different book for "It" I would.
I was a sensitive, empathetic kid who got introduced too young to horror movies (K-horror) at a friend's house who had lax parenting, at around your daughter's age. I thought it was the coolest thing in the world to watch horror movies, and really wanted to be able to, but the reality when it happened was just terrifying and not enjoyable. I don't think there were any long term emotional effects, but I do remember that as a kid I regretted seeing that stuff and even at the time would have, on retrospect, remained innocent til later on if I could.
As an older teen (like 14-15) I really enjoyed horror films, especially watching "tamer"/comedy-horror ones with my family, like The Others, Shaun of the Dead and Jeepers Creepers. Perhaps you could scope out some films like those to add to family-movie-night in a few years' time?
Bottom line: 9 is too young. I'd strictly monitor this stuff til she's at least 12.
posted by Balthamos at 9:23 AM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
I was a sensitive, empathetic kid who got introduced too young to horror movies (K-horror) at a friend's house who had lax parenting, at around your daughter's age. I thought it was the coolest thing in the world to watch horror movies, and really wanted to be able to, but the reality when it happened was just terrifying and not enjoyable. I don't think there were any long term emotional effects, but I do remember that as a kid I regretted seeing that stuff and even at the time would have, on retrospect, remained innocent til later on if I could.
As an older teen (like 14-15) I really enjoyed horror films, especially watching "tamer"/comedy-horror ones with my family, like The Others, Shaun of the Dead and Jeepers Creepers. Perhaps you could scope out some films like those to add to family-movie-night in a few years' time?
Bottom line: 9 is too young. I'd strictly monitor this stuff til she's at least 12.
posted by Balthamos at 9:23 AM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
As for books, I would allow the reading of scary books. It is one thing to imagine the scary things as you read it, it is something else entirely to have a terrifying image displayed in front of your eyes.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:25 AM on July 2, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:25 AM on July 2, 2019 [12 favorites]
Personally, I find books scarier than movies. With movies I can always laugh at the hammy effects, but my own imagination is way more skilful at scaring the shit out of me and permits no such suspension of disbelief. Also books are experienced alone and often in a safe space like bed, making it so much more personal. There are some traumatic passages from books I read as a kid that are still horrible to recall decades later.
posted by Balthamos at 9:29 AM on July 2, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by Balthamos at 9:29 AM on July 2, 2019 [12 favorites]
NB yeah, the kids in It are the same age as your daughter but unless you want her to read about them having a gangbang then probably you should put that one on hold.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:29 AM on July 2, 2019 [43 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 9:29 AM on July 2, 2019 [43 favorites]
Nine is way, way too young for It and Stephen King in general. Have you read a lot of Stephen King? Has your wife read It?
It opens with a homophobic murder, has a sort of gangbang scene and has a lot of gore and sexual abuse. It is really, really not a book for a nine year old. I started reading Stephen King at twelve, IIRC. His books scared me a lot and were basically my education/introduction to a lot of grown up sexual stuff - not a very good introduction. King is, on balance, an interesting writer of regional fiction, but he is very much not for children. I think it wouldn't have hurt if I'd been a little older.
As to the scary movies, can you make a list of starter-scary movies and watch a couple in advance, then watch them with her if they pass muster? I'm not sure what starter-scary movies are currently, but I'm sure metafilter could give you a list.
For scary books, could she read some fantasy novels with scary parts? There's definitely some creepy fantasy novels that are relatively for an adult audience, written in prose that a child who can read Stephen King will be able to handle and not full of, eg, rape.
posted by Frowner at 9:32 AM on July 2, 2019 [10 favorites]
It opens with a homophobic murder, has a sort of gangbang scene and has a lot of gore and sexual abuse. It is really, really not a book for a nine year old. I started reading Stephen King at twelve, IIRC. His books scared me a lot and were basically my education/introduction to a lot of grown up sexual stuff - not a very good introduction. King is, on balance, an interesting writer of regional fiction, but he is very much not for children. I think it wouldn't have hurt if I'd been a little older.
As to the scary movies, can you make a list of starter-scary movies and watch a couple in advance, then watch them with her if they pass muster? I'm not sure what starter-scary movies are currently, but I'm sure metafilter could give you a list.
For scary books, could she read some fantasy novels with scary parts? There's definitely some creepy fantasy novels that are relatively for an adult audience, written in prose that a child who can read Stephen King will be able to handle and not full of, eg, rape.
posted by Frowner at 9:32 AM on July 2, 2019 [10 favorites]
I’ve loved scary movies and stories my whole life but my parents restricted them for age-appropriate content. I would beg to watch The Exorcist every Halloween. I finally got to watch it in eighth grade and it was a THRILL! It’s entertainment like anything else. I mean...we read Anne Frank in fourth grade and that haunted me much more than any scary movie. Horror movies are a cheap thrill, real-life horror is much longer lasting. I’d judge scary movies the same way you monitor any other kind of movie for her. They have just as much value as romances, comedies, sports films, etc. Some are great works of art.
As for books, it was a great benefit to my life that my parents didn’t restrict books for content the way they did movies. We were free to explore the library and check out anything we wanted. My brother once tested this boundary with Howard Stern’s Private Parts but otherwise we had total freedom. I read about a lot of things I would have been nervous or embarrassed to ask my parents.
I don't really believe the kids at her school are actually watching the movies they claim to watch
I would bet these kids are not lying. There were always a couple kids in my class whose parents let them watch R rated movies at any age, not sure why. Our next door neighbors let us all watch The Good Son in third grade and I knew I shouldn’t tell my parents (lol).
posted by sallybrown at 9:35 AM on July 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
As for books, it was a great benefit to my life that my parents didn’t restrict books for content the way they did movies. We were free to explore the library and check out anything we wanted. My brother once tested this boundary with Howard Stern’s Private Parts but otherwise we had total freedom. I read about a lot of things I would have been nervous or embarrassed to ask my parents.
I don't really believe the kids at her school are actually watching the movies they claim to watch
I would bet these kids are not lying. There were always a couple kids in my class whose parents let them watch R rated movies at any age, not sure why. Our next door neighbors let us all watch The Good Son in third grade and I knew I shouldn’t tell my parents (lol).
posted by sallybrown at 9:35 AM on July 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
if she's read Harry Potter how did she handle
SPOILER:
wormtail's being strangled by his own hand?
the "what's in the box" episode of the twilight zone scared the shit out of me as an early teen
posted by brujita at 9:35 AM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
SPOILER:
wormtail's being strangled by his own hand?
the "what's in the box" episode of the twilight zone scared the shit out of me as an early teen
posted by brujita at 9:35 AM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
One more angle: sometimes it's a peer group thing. A bunch of kids around that age start claiming to have enjoyed the Saw movies, to have read and liked It, etc., and some of them are bluffing. I distinctly recall looking up synopses of R-rated movies around ten and realizing the material other kids' parents "took them to see" was invented by those kids from the trailers.
I would still like to watch a Stephen King movie reimagined by half a dozen tweens, with all the lasers and monsters and stuff.
posted by bagel at 9:35 AM on July 2, 2019 [10 favorites]
I would still like to watch a Stephen King movie reimagined by half a dozen tweens, with all the lasers and monsters and stuff.
posted by bagel at 9:35 AM on July 2, 2019 [10 favorites]
A friend of mine is a horror fiend and her parents let her watch Poltergeist at like age 8, to no ill effect. On the other hand I had nightmares from Ernest Scared Stupid. So. It's really about your daughter.
Has she seen Coraline, or read the book? Is she maybe ready for something like Gremlins? Twilight Zone was perfect for me as a kid. Spooky, but nothing terrifying.
Also, maybe the Abarat books. They aren't horror but have some weird and spooky fantasy imagery, are written by a horror writer, but don't cross any traumatic lines.
Wait for the hard stuff (IT and so on) until she's at slumber parties with friends, as I think a lot of people do. I have great memories of screaming and freaking out with friends watching scary movies, no parents present.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 9:37 AM on July 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
Has she seen Coraline, or read the book? Is she maybe ready for something like Gremlins? Twilight Zone was perfect for me as a kid. Spooky, but nothing terrifying.
Also, maybe the Abarat books. They aren't horror but have some weird and spooky fantasy imagery, are written by a horror writer, but don't cross any traumatic lines.
Wait for the hard stuff (IT and so on) until she's at slumber parties with friends, as I think a lot of people do. I have great memories of screaming and freaking out with friends watching scary movies, no parents present.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 9:37 AM on July 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
Twilight Zone was perfect for me as a kid. Spooky, but nothing terrifying.
Thirding this, great suggestion and will lead to interesting conversations. I’ve only ever seen the old episodes, not the new ones, so I’m not sure about those.
posted by sallybrown at 9:42 AM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
Thirding this, great suggestion and will lead to interesting conversations. I’ve only ever seen the old episodes, not the new ones, so I’m not sure about those.
posted by sallybrown at 9:42 AM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
There are lots of "girl and her wolf" type fantasy novels for adults but not inappropriate for young kids. I'm sure metafilter could suggest a bunch, actually.
When your daughter is older, if she still wants to read Stephen King, The Talisman is grotesque and creepy and scary but has a lot less gore and IIRC no explicit sex, although there is sex-adjacent stuff and some references to masturbation. It isn't appropriate for kids, exactly, but when I was twelve it was about the right level of "this is adult stuff" for me.
The Wings of A Falcon, a fantasy novel, scared me when I read it at twenty-six.
Or I bet she'd like some Diana Wynne Jones - The Time of the Ghost is a really creepy book, and so is Hexwood.
~~
The other thing about scary movies - a lot of times, they have really shitty values, homophobia, misogyny, anti-sex grossness, a spirit of cruelty, racism. It's easy to say, "oh it's just a movie, my kid is better than that", but watching a lot of ideologically terrible stuff at a young age has its effects, even if you don't just pick up the values. (This was my experience as a child.)
If you're going to start your kid on scary movies, again, why not vet some yourself that are starter-scary and have non-repulsive values?
posted by Frowner at 9:42 AM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
When your daughter is older, if she still wants to read Stephen King, The Talisman is grotesque and creepy and scary but has a lot less gore and IIRC no explicit sex, although there is sex-adjacent stuff and some references to masturbation. It isn't appropriate for kids, exactly, but when I was twelve it was about the right level of "this is adult stuff" for me.
The Wings of A Falcon, a fantasy novel, scared me when I read it at twenty-six.
Or I bet she'd like some Diana Wynne Jones - The Time of the Ghost is a really creepy book, and so is Hexwood.
~~
The other thing about scary movies - a lot of times, they have really shitty values, homophobia, misogyny, anti-sex grossness, a spirit of cruelty, racism. It's easy to say, "oh it's just a movie, my kid is better than that", but watching a lot of ideologically terrible stuff at a young age has its effects, even if you don't just pick up the values. (This was my experience as a child.)
If you're going to start your kid on scary movies, again, why not vet some yourself that are starter-scary and have non-repulsive values?
posted by Frowner at 9:42 AM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Just to clarify (and I promise I won't threadsit!), the scariest thing she was watched so far is the fifth Harry Potter movie last year. We stopped there. When I wrote that she has seen things that she realized were too scary, it's because Netflix will put up inappropriate recommendations, with their attendant short previews, even on channels where all we watch are Disney sitcoms. Netflix seems to only recognize "under 5" and "over 5" as age controls.
Lastly, I don't doubt my wife's judgment at all, and realize that I wrote that section poorly. When I reread what I wrote about King, I feel bad that I inadvertently threw her under the bus. Our daughter's reading journey is a whole 'nother big deal that I don't need to go into. However, if my daughter finishes her other chapter book (which is quite unlikely given her still-developing reading habits), I am sure my wife would have read the book first and we would have modified the deal, explaining that we made a mistake. From what people have written, it sounds like the book would be too much for our daughter (which again, we would have discovered ourselves).
What I was really thinking about in that section, but not explaining, is that their conversation prompted me to reflect on whether we would ever understand how to let her watch this material because it is so far outside of things we are interested in. I do really appreciate the comments and perspectives offered!
posted by Slothrop at 9:43 AM on July 2, 2019
Lastly, I don't doubt my wife's judgment at all, and realize that I wrote that section poorly. When I reread what I wrote about King, I feel bad that I inadvertently threw her under the bus. Our daughter's reading journey is a whole 'nother big deal that I don't need to go into. However, if my daughter finishes her other chapter book (which is quite unlikely given her still-developing reading habits), I am sure my wife would have read the book first and we would have modified the deal, explaining that we made a mistake. From what people have written, it sounds like the book would be too much for our daughter (which again, we would have discovered ourselves).
What I was really thinking about in that section, but not explaining, is that their conversation prompted me to reflect on whether we would ever understand how to let her watch this material because it is so far outside of things we are interested in. I do really appreciate the comments and perspectives offered!
posted by Slothrop at 9:43 AM on July 2, 2019
I think that whether or not a kid can be into scary movies depends on the kid. I remember going through a phase of being into spooky stories about cryptids like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster because i went a step further and imagined myself striking this big heroic blow against them, defending all my friends and saving the day like some superhero. (I actually got in trouble at an aunt's house when I was seven and boasted to my younger cousins that I would kick Bigfoot's ass if it came around, but then I had to tell them what Bigfoot was, and that scared the pants off them all and I got a bit of a lecture for scaring the little'uns.)
Also, if your kid is hearing about movies that other kids have seen, there may also be some bit of "wanting to be one of the cool kids" thing going on. She may not so much want to see Freddy Krueger films as much as she wants to be like Bethany (who saw a Freddy Krueger film).
The bigger concern for me with some of these movies and books you mention - It in particular - is the sexual content. Scary stuff and gore is one thing, but nudity and sex is a whole other kettle of fish that you maybe may not want to get into just yet for their own reasons.
So - issuing the disclaimer that I"m not a parent: maybe a trial run of a previously-selected-and-parentally-approved film, with you in attendance, may not be a bad idea. You will be on hand to gauge whether it's getting a bit too much and can step in and switch it off if need be.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:44 AM on July 2, 2019
Also, if your kid is hearing about movies that other kids have seen, there may also be some bit of "wanting to be one of the cool kids" thing going on. She may not so much want to see Freddy Krueger films as much as she wants to be like Bethany (who saw a Freddy Krueger film).
The bigger concern for me with some of these movies and books you mention - It in particular - is the sexual content. Scary stuff and gore is one thing, but nudity and sex is a whole other kettle of fish that you maybe may not want to get into just yet for their own reasons.
So - issuing the disclaimer that I"m not a parent: maybe a trial run of a previously-selected-and-parentally-approved film, with you in attendance, may not be a bad idea. You will be on hand to gauge whether it's getting a bit too much and can step in and switch it off if need be.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:44 AM on July 2, 2019
You could start with a scary but also still kid-appropriate movie like Gremlins or Little Shop of Horrors and see how she takes them. Different kids like different things. In general, though, I'd trust your judgment. You know your kid.
posted by Mchelly at 9:52 AM on July 2, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 9:52 AM on July 2, 2019 [13 favorites]
So, when I was in middle school, I was scared of a lot of stuff, and I got over it by reading my way through Stephen King's catalogue, in order of how scary I expected each book to be. I saved It for last (but other people have covered why that's probably too much for her - in any event, it's also a huge doorstop of a book). But she could probably do a bunch of the ones that I read earlier on with no trouble. The Eyes of the Dragon is more of a fantasy novel than a horror novel, and Firestarter is pretty tame (with a kid protagonist). The scariest thing about The Dead Zone is that it basically predicted Trump.
As far as movies go, one thing to consider is that the special effects on the older ones will likely look laughable to her modern eyes. I'd still hold off on Nightmare on Elm Street though - you might end up with a kid who won't sleep for a while.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:57 AM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
As far as movies go, one thing to consider is that the special effects on the older ones will likely look laughable to her modern eyes. I'd still hold off on Nightmare on Elm Street though - you might end up with a kid who won't sleep for a while.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:57 AM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
I grew up watching the same TV shows my parents watched, which meant I started watching The X-Files at like age 6-7 and Buffy at 10-11. Plus lots of crime shows like Law & Order, which are a different type of scary. The crime shows scared me a lot more, because they were plausible - serial killers might be a lot rarer than those shows make them seem, but they definitely exist, unlike vampires and fluke monsters.
You know your kid, of course, but I really can't identify any negative effects on my life from watching fantastical scary things as a kid.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:00 AM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
You know your kid, of course, but I really can't identify any negative effects on my life from watching fantastical scary things as a kid.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:00 AM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'll tell you a story - when I was about your daughters age, I went over to a friends house with my older brother and his older friend.
We went to Blockbuster video and my 12 year old brother convinced our friend's Mum to rent "A Nightmare on Elm Street".. so she did.
I was definitely a more sensitive kid than my brother, but I wanted to impress him, so I sat down and watched the film with him and our friend.
Let me tell you... it F*CKED me up. I mean, I wanted to vomit I was so afraid. I had to go into the other room while they watched the rest of the movie (completely unaffected by the way).
I can still see that scene in my mind SO vividly, it has been burned into my memory. I have to this day, never seen that film the whole way through, but I've watched that awful scene again and it still unsettled me today, even though I knew what was coming.
I don't think I slept properly for YEARS. I'm not even exaggerating. I tried to be one of the "cool kids" to impress my older brother and I paid the price. What I guess I'm saying is that a scary film might be fine for some 9 year olds, but it was not OK for me, as a 9 year old.
you know your daughter best and you know how "tough" she is. Just because a film is really old doesn't mean it won't still be terrifying to your daughter. (I also discovered that when I watched the Exorcist for the first time, as a 19 year old, and again - that f*cked me up for months and months)
Conversely, I watched the original Stephen King's IT TV miniseries and found it TERRIFYING but Magical... it's one of my favourite stories of all time and I think, the original mini-series would absolutely be OK for her to watch, with her parents, when she is a bit older - there are a few scary sequences but for the most part, it's a story about kids.
Anyway, you asked for experiences, here is mine.... I'm 37 now by the way, in case it matters. Lets' just say I remember that Nightmare on Elm Street day as if it was yesterday - and not in a good way!
posted by JenThePro at 10:03 AM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
We went to Blockbuster video and my 12 year old brother convinced our friend's Mum to rent "A Nightmare on Elm Street".. so she did.
I was definitely a more sensitive kid than my brother, but I wanted to impress him, so I sat down and watched the film with him and our friend.
Let me tell you... it F*CKED me up. I mean, I wanted to vomit I was so afraid. I had to go into the other room while they watched the rest of the movie (completely unaffected by the way).
I can still see that scene in my mind SO vividly, it has been burned into my memory. I have to this day, never seen that film the whole way through, but I've watched that awful scene again and it still unsettled me today, even though I knew what was coming.
I don't think I slept properly for YEARS. I'm not even exaggerating. I tried to be one of the "cool kids" to impress my older brother and I paid the price. What I guess I'm saying is that a scary film might be fine for some 9 year olds, but it was not OK for me, as a 9 year old.
you know your daughter best and you know how "tough" she is. Just because a film is really old doesn't mean it won't still be terrifying to your daughter. (I also discovered that when I watched the Exorcist for the first time, as a 19 year old, and again - that f*cked me up for months and months)
Conversely, I watched the original Stephen King's IT TV miniseries and found it TERRIFYING but Magical... it's one of my favourite stories of all time and I think, the original mini-series would absolutely be OK for her to watch, with her parents, when she is a bit older - there are a few scary sequences but for the most part, it's a story about kids.
Anyway, you asked for experiences, here is mine.... I'm 37 now by the way, in case it matters. Lets' just say I remember that Nightmare on Elm Street day as if it was yesterday - and not in a good way!
posted by JenThePro at 10:03 AM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
I spent a whole summer when I was 11 being completely petrified of every shadow and every noise and every stranger because I'd accidentally watched It with some friends at a sleepover. I can still remember my heart racing in broad daylight because I couldn't see what was behind a street corner.
I read all the King books starting at about 13 and I loved them, but 9 is way way way WAY too young. Try some Goosebumps on her first, though there are some fucked up ones there too, but at least the terror is age-appropriate.
posted by lydhre at 10:06 AM on July 2, 2019
I read all the King books starting at about 13 and I loved them, but 9 is way way way WAY too young. Try some Goosebumps on her first, though there are some fucked up ones there too, but at least the terror is age-appropriate.
posted by lydhre at 10:06 AM on July 2, 2019
I'm in the camp that kids are only kids once, and they have their whole life to be adults.
My SO keeps wanting to show my kid movies like Star Wars, Avengers, etc. I sat kiddo down and had a conversation with him about how there is fighting and shooting and people dying, and asked him if that is something he would like to see. Kiddo says no. His cohort has seen them, and they all come back to school reporting that they were scared and that they didn't like the movie. Every time kiddo is offered the opportunity to see similar movies he turns it down.
Just talk with kiddo.
My parenting protip is, when the parents disagree on a parenting decision, the parent who greenlights the activity has to deal with the consequences of that decision. Ask your wife how she will deal with the fallout if the child can't shake what she has seen. After that, it's between the two of them.
posted by vignettist at 10:11 AM on July 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
My SO keeps wanting to show my kid movies like Star Wars, Avengers, etc. I sat kiddo down and had a conversation with him about how there is fighting and shooting and people dying, and asked him if that is something he would like to see. Kiddo says no. His cohort has seen them, and they all come back to school reporting that they were scared and that they didn't like the movie. Every time kiddo is offered the opportunity to see similar movies he turns it down.
Just talk with kiddo.
My parenting protip is, when the parents disagree on a parenting decision, the parent who greenlights the activity has to deal with the consequences of that decision. Ask your wife how she will deal with the fallout if the child can't shake what she has seen. After that, it's between the two of them.
posted by vignettist at 10:11 AM on July 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
Hi! MonkeyToes' 11 yr old here, and I'd say not to let her watch IT until she is at least 13. The relationship between Bev and her father is just.. extremely gross and creepy, and just the gore and actual body-horror aspect of it is really unsettling at times. Also, did her friends a c t u a l l y watch those movies, or are they just pretending to look cool.
- Yours truly, 11 yr old
[Hello, parent is back.] My daughter and I had several conversations about not watching or reading Stephen King yet...but her access to the library's online movies was too tempting. FWIW, she has not asked about watching other scary movies. Since she was 9, and even ore now that she's 11, she has wanted to feel more grown-up, and I suspect that the former campaign-for-King was one way she could get her head around, and she liked the idea of bragging rights in her friend circle. There is nothing wrong with re-directing this horror plea into a different mode--like if she needs to feel cooler or more adult, why not host a pizza-and-a-movie night for her friends?
posted by MonkeyToes at 10:16 AM on July 2, 2019 [8 favorites]
- Yours truly, 11 yr old
[Hello, parent is back.] My daughter and I had several conversations about not watching or reading Stephen King yet...but her access to the library's online movies was too tempting. FWIW, she has not asked about watching other scary movies. Since she was 9, and even ore now that she's 11, she has wanted to feel more grown-up, and I suspect that the former campaign-for-King was one way she could get her head around, and she liked the idea of bragging rights in her friend circle. There is nothing wrong with re-directing this horror plea into a different mode--like if she needs to feel cooler or more adult, why not host a pizza-and-a-movie night for her friends?
posted by MonkeyToes at 10:16 AM on July 2, 2019 [8 favorites]
There's no "right" answer in terms of age. It all depends on your kid, whom you know best.
My almost 10yo kid has read all of Harry Potter, seen the movies, read tons of WWII stuff and various fiction with fighting and death. She has always been a bit sensitive about content on-screen, though, and she is *nowhere* near ready for scary adult movies, realistic monsters or psychological terror. She's asked about Stranger Things - no freakin' way. I won't even show her Beetlejuice yet. It was only this past year she was ready for Guardians of the Galaxy.
As others have mentioned....you probably want to err on the side of caution in these areas. You can't un-ring a bell.
There is plenty of horror-lite for kids like The House with a Clock in its Walls or My Babysitter's a Vampire on Netflix.
posted by gnutron at 10:25 AM on July 2, 2019
My almost 10yo kid has read all of Harry Potter, seen the movies, read tons of WWII stuff and various fiction with fighting and death. She has always been a bit sensitive about content on-screen, though, and she is *nowhere* near ready for scary adult movies, realistic monsters or psychological terror. She's asked about Stranger Things - no freakin' way. I won't even show her Beetlejuice yet. It was only this past year she was ready for Guardians of the Galaxy.
As others have mentioned....you probably want to err on the side of caution in these areas. You can't un-ring a bell.
There is plenty of horror-lite for kids like The House with a Clock in its Walls or My Babysitter's a Vampire on Netflix.
posted by gnutron at 10:25 AM on July 2, 2019
One thing I will say is that kids have no idea what to expect from horror. They have no frame of context. My then 9 year old daughter begged us to let her go into a haunted house at a State Fair. We saw lots of tweens coming out fine and the operators assured us it wasn't that scary. She took two steps in, panicked and ran out. She later said, "I thought it was be scary. I didn't know it would be terrifying."
Kids like being scared but I wouldn't start with adult horror. You can find kids materials (Neil Gaiman books/graphic novels that are geared for kids like The Graveyard Book, or even Goosbumps) that scratch that itch without exposing a 9 year old to things that he/she may or may not be able to handle.
posted by lucasks at 10:28 AM on July 2, 2019 [5 favorites]
Kids like being scared but I wouldn't start with adult horror. You can find kids materials (Neil Gaiman books/graphic novels that are geared for kids like The Graveyard Book, or even Goosbumps) that scratch that itch without exposing a 9 year old to things that he/she may or may not be able to handle.
posted by lucasks at 10:28 AM on July 2, 2019 [5 favorites]
Oh, man. I realize that Nightmare and IT are arguably in another ballpark entirely than The Exorcist, but when I was 9-10 my dad, exasperated at having caught me sneaking out of bed for the third time to watch it on cable after being told no, threw up his hands and left me out there to watch the whole thing. Maybe the horror-flick equivalent of smoking the entire carton of cigarettes, idk.
I enjoyed it hugely for the duration of the movie, then about 5 seconds afterwards became completely unable to sleep with the lights off or enter the kitchen alone until about age 15.
I guess it depends on how you think the works she's interested in register on the "scary/can't-unsee" meter. Obviously you want to nurture her interests and let her explore media she enjoys, but as someone whose parents were pretty liberal about the media they let me consume I'd say she's not missing out by waiting a couple years.
posted by peakes at 10:58 AM on July 2, 2019
I enjoyed it hugely for the duration of the movie, then about 5 seconds afterwards became completely unable to sleep with the lights off or enter the kitchen alone until about age 15.
I guess it depends on how you think the works she's interested in register on the "scary/can't-unsee" meter. Obviously you want to nurture her interests and let her explore media she enjoys, but as someone whose parents were pretty liberal about the media they let me consume I'd say she's not missing out by waiting a couple years.
posted by peakes at 10:58 AM on July 2, 2019
Disclaimer: I'm the parent of an almost-9-year-old here.
I think an important thing to consider is, what's driving this appetite for scary things? It might be the pursuit of social currency. She hears kids at school saying that they have seen these things, and she wants to be able to say she's seen them, too. Or maybe it's good old fashioned curiosity: what is a REALLY scary movie like? Or maybe she genuinely enjoys being scared.
If you think it's pursuit of social currency, then I'd put the brakes on her requests for scary media. I'd also talk to her and call it what it is: a pursuit of bragging rights. This insight can help her put her peers' bragging into proper perspective.
I'll go ahead and echo what others have said here: There's plenty of media out there that's age-appropriate scary for her. The Ghostbusters films, Gremlins, Coraline, etc.
There's absolutely no way that I'd let a nine-year-old read "It", or any other Stephen King novel.
posted by cleverevans at 11:01 AM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
I think an important thing to consider is, what's driving this appetite for scary things? It might be the pursuit of social currency. She hears kids at school saying that they have seen these things, and she wants to be able to say she's seen them, too. Or maybe it's good old fashioned curiosity: what is a REALLY scary movie like? Or maybe she genuinely enjoys being scared.
If you think it's pursuit of social currency, then I'd put the brakes on her requests for scary media. I'd also talk to her and call it what it is: a pursuit of bragging rights. This insight can help her put her peers' bragging into proper perspective.
I'll go ahead and echo what others have said here: There's plenty of media out there that's age-appropriate scary for her. The Ghostbusters films, Gremlins, Coraline, etc.
There's absolutely no way that I'd let a nine-year-old read "It", or any other Stephen King novel.
posted by cleverevans at 11:01 AM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
When I was your daughter's age I loved The X-Files, which was creepy and scary and atmospheric but not to the extent where they couldn't show it on TV. She might find it more appealing than the decidedly old-timey Twilight Zone.
More generally I agree with others that it might be appropriate to seek out horror stuff that is intentionally aimed at kids and teens. How about The Nightmare Before Christmas? Maybe not the movie Beetlejuice, although as I recall it's fairly tame, but definitely the kid's cartoon from the 90s, or in that same vein, Ahhh! Real Monsters. Or perhaps Netflix's new Sabrina the Teenage Witch show. And one more throwback to my 90s youth--I loved Are You Afraid Of The Dark? when I was a kid.
posted by zeusianfog at 11:01 AM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
More generally I agree with others that it might be appropriate to seek out horror stuff that is intentionally aimed at kids and teens. How about The Nightmare Before Christmas? Maybe not the movie Beetlejuice, although as I recall it's fairly tame, but definitely the kid's cartoon from the 90s, or in that same vein, Ahhh! Real Monsters. Or perhaps Netflix's new Sabrina the Teenage Witch show. And one more throwback to my 90s youth--I loved Are You Afraid Of The Dark? when I was a kid.
posted by zeusianfog at 11:01 AM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
So you are almost writing as if her interest in horror movies is some sort of deviance or pathology. The fact that you all aren't into horror movies has maybe made it harder for her to pique her curiosity, but it's not a weird or wrong or bad interest. It's not a character flaw.
I also think it's important to note that she's going to watch horror movies whether you watch them with her or not, at some point. Maybe she'll be at someone's house and a movie will come on; maybe she'll seek it out. In a way, it might be better to have the first horror movie experience be with a parent and while watching a carefully chosen film... and so you can sit there and explain to her the tropes and such and reassure her if it does get too scary.
I also think older movies might not seem as scary as new movies. The effects look so outdated. Also, so many of the old tropes have been satirized (the call is coming from inside the house! don't run back in the house! etc) that some of the power of old movies is now gone... because some things are now a joke. Though the point about casual sexism and racism is well-taken.
Some horror movies really scared me as a kid. But, some books scared me just as much. Imagining something for yourself can be just as traumatizing. So I'd tread carefully with assuming that watching a horror movie is somehow less scary or intense than reading horror written for adults.
I think a better framing for this might be: My 9 year old kid wants to watch a horror movie. What's a good first horror movie that won't traumatize her but will help satisfy her curiosity?
You know best what's really scary and only slightly scary to her. Maybe a werewolf movie will scratch that itch but not give her nightmares. I did a search at Common Sense Media for movie reviews of horror for kids who are 9 and got exactly one result: the 1935 Bride of Frankenstein. There are a few more options for 10 and up.
I'm not saying she's old enough or that this won't go poorly. But books can be really scary too. And maybe exposing her to something low key and old with you all might be better than seeing some really scary movie for the first time with her friends at a sleepover in a few years.
Also, I think you're onto something when you noted that she's had some unusual and intense experiences. Watching horror movies can be really cathartic for some people. Being scared, walking to the brink, and then being okay -- that sounds like what happened to her, and so being able to feel that again through art seems like it could be a healthy way to channel some of that.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:05 AM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
I also think it's important to note that she's going to watch horror movies whether you watch them with her or not, at some point. Maybe she'll be at someone's house and a movie will come on; maybe she'll seek it out. In a way, it might be better to have the first horror movie experience be with a parent and while watching a carefully chosen film... and so you can sit there and explain to her the tropes and such and reassure her if it does get too scary.
I also think older movies might not seem as scary as new movies. The effects look so outdated. Also, so many of the old tropes have been satirized (the call is coming from inside the house! don't run back in the house! etc) that some of the power of old movies is now gone... because some things are now a joke. Though the point about casual sexism and racism is well-taken.
Some horror movies really scared me as a kid. But, some books scared me just as much. Imagining something for yourself can be just as traumatizing. So I'd tread carefully with assuming that watching a horror movie is somehow less scary or intense than reading horror written for adults.
I think a better framing for this might be: My 9 year old kid wants to watch a horror movie. What's a good first horror movie that won't traumatize her but will help satisfy her curiosity?
You know best what's really scary and only slightly scary to her. Maybe a werewolf movie will scratch that itch but not give her nightmares. I did a search at Common Sense Media for movie reviews of horror for kids who are 9 and got exactly one result: the 1935 Bride of Frankenstein. There are a few more options for 10 and up.
I'm not saying she's old enough or that this won't go poorly. But books can be really scary too. And maybe exposing her to something low key and old with you all might be better than seeing some really scary movie for the first time with her friends at a sleepover in a few years.
Also, I think you're onto something when you noted that she's had some unusual and intense experiences. Watching horror movies can be really cathartic for some people. Being scared, walking to the brink, and then being okay -- that sounds like what happened to her, and so being able to feel that again through art seems like it could be a healthy way to channel some of that.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:05 AM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
We don't have any interest in horror or scary movies, so I think we partly don't understand how there could be any "upside" to letting her watch these things.
I mean, while we're on the topic of Stephen King, so to speak, you and/or your wife might take a look at King's Danse Macabre, a non-fiction work of his that delves into the history of the genre and examines some of the cultural and psychological reasons why people might be interested in various forms of horror/scary fiction.
posted by soundguy99 at 11:16 AM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
I mean, while we're on the topic of Stephen King, so to speak, you and/or your wife might take a look at King's Danse Macabre, a non-fiction work of his that delves into the history of the genre and examines some of the cultural and psychological reasons why people might be interested in various forms of horror/scary fiction.
posted by soundguy99 at 11:16 AM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
I'm another voice for encouraging you all to wait. I have a dear cousin about 9 years older than me and we watched Amityville Horror House when I was about six, at her urging, and I was petrified. The night we watched it, it was the last time I wet my bed (because I was too scared to get up). I am also a Sensitive Person™, and I read Stephen King starting in sixth grade (starting with Firestarter), and I don't remember and ill effects with that, but I (FOOLISHLY) moved on to Pet Sematary and like others have posted above, I have never been the same, and not in a good way. I had nightmares for several years, well into high school. I am now 46 and still have weird flashes of scary feelings associated with Amityville and Pet Sematary. *shivers*
Speaking as a therapist (but not your therapist)...medical trauma can be a weird thing. I have had a wee bit of it, and it didn't hit me right away, but this is another thing for you all as parents to be aware of regarding your little girl and her perception of mortality/monsters/helpers.
posted by heathergirl at 11:20 AM on July 2, 2019
Speaking as a therapist (but not your therapist)...medical trauma can be a weird thing. I have had a wee bit of it, and it didn't hit me right away, but this is another thing for you all as parents to be aware of regarding your little girl and her perception of mortality/monsters/helpers.
posted by heathergirl at 11:20 AM on July 2, 2019
I read IT at age 10, and I am awesome. I was alternating between Goosebumps (read in under an hour) and much larger horror books or sci-fi books. Everyone is different and life is a million random events. I don't think there's an actual answer, but you can always default to no.
Though I do have this thought: My parents tried to control my media habits mostly around videogames to a very strict degree (I was forbidden from going to college for computer programming, I was told to be an English major and writer for some fucking reason.) I just have an overwhelming feeling that they actively hated anything I was in to, and it fucked me up a lot. Things I learned from childhood: it's not useful to ask for a thing you'd like (you won't get it), it's not useful to be interested in something (it will be ignored at best or disapproved of and rejected), being secretive and alone is the only way to actually be allowed to enjoy anything you like. So probably no danger of you being my parents, I'm not sure why they were that way, but just food for thought.
This took me down a rabbit hole. BTW, I found IT on a shelf at my parents and just took it and read it on my own. I doubt they even knew.
I'm highly sensitive, kind, empathetic, and I don't think a generally bad person btw. Loving Horror stories (or violent videogames) throughout my life hasn't made me anything weird or desensitized me.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:22 AM on July 2, 2019 [8 favorites]
Though I do have this thought: My parents tried to control my media habits mostly around videogames to a very strict degree (I was forbidden from going to college for computer programming, I was told to be an English major and writer for some fucking reason.) I just have an overwhelming feeling that they actively hated anything I was in to, and it fucked me up a lot. Things I learned from childhood: it's not useful to ask for a thing you'd like (you won't get it), it's not useful to be interested in something (it will be ignored at best or disapproved of and rejected), being secretive and alone is the only way to actually be allowed to enjoy anything you like. So probably no danger of you being my parents, I'm not sure why they were that way, but just food for thought.
This took me down a rabbit hole. BTW, I found IT on a shelf at my parents and just took it and read it on my own. I doubt they even knew.
I'm highly sensitive, kind, empathetic, and I don't think a generally bad person btw. Loving Horror stories (or violent videogames) throughout my life hasn't made me anything weird or desensitized me.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:22 AM on July 2, 2019 [8 favorites]
Like a poster above, I was deeply traumatized by the movie Pet Semetary, which I watched as a preteen. Suffered nightmares for quite some time. While that memory stays with me today, I can't even remember the title of all the scary or rated R movies I didn't get to watch at that age.
I just don't see the harm in waiting a few years until the kid matures a bit. You're not depriving her of something of particular cultural value, and there are other ways she can get her fill of adrenaline (amusement park?) beside watching gratuitous violence and horror
posted by shaademaan at 11:26 AM on July 2, 2019
I just don't see the harm in waiting a few years until the kid matures a bit. You're not depriving her of something of particular cultural value, and there are other ways she can get her fill of adrenaline (amusement park?) beside watching gratuitous violence and horror
posted by shaademaan at 11:26 AM on July 2, 2019
For guidance about the kid/movie interface, you can consult Kids-in-Mind, which previews and rates movies vis-a-vis kids. It can be inconsistent from review to review, and its views may not match your views, but we found it useful back in the parenting years.
posted by JimN2TAW at 11:27 AM on July 2, 2019
posted by JimN2TAW at 11:27 AM on July 2, 2019
My five year old niece found a ghost anime on netflix thats surprisingly scary, like, summoning a possessed doll to play hide and seek with you in a dark house and [scary things] if it catches you, looked meant for kids but not five year olds. But we all asked her about it and she said it was scary but fun for her, and she didn't seem adversely affected. But I was one of the kids who got scarred by movies that weren't even meant to be horror. I'm not sure how you can tell ahead of time where the line will be for your daughter, but I think it's good that she's starting to recognize it herself.
Probably stick with media aimed at kids for a while (Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books were sold at my elementary school book fairs and, uh, absolutely terrifying if she's getting bored with goosebumps, and seconding coraline) and keep screening things ahead of time. Maybe it would be helpful to start telling her about your screening process - what you're looking for, what things you worry would be too upsetting and why, when you take into account what she's enjoyed before when you make a judgement, that there are sites where people post content warnings you can look for. I think it's a good skill for her to learn to be able to judge things later on when she wants to get into stuff that you and your wife don't want to have to watch/read. And I don't have any advice for the how, but if she does run into something upsetting, she'll need to know how to deal with it - self-soothing, knowing [x] isn't a real danger, how to deal with nightmares or thinking about it in bed, knowing that she can stop watching the movie if she needs to, things like that.
I think you're right that her experiences might make horror more fun to her on top of maybe just being a kid who likes to be scared, which is normal, so I wouldn't judge what she's doing or think she's being inappropriate, just help her navigate it safely.
posted by gaybobbie at 11:44 AM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
Probably stick with media aimed at kids for a while (Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books were sold at my elementary school book fairs and, uh, absolutely terrifying if she's getting bored with goosebumps, and seconding coraline) and keep screening things ahead of time. Maybe it would be helpful to start telling her about your screening process - what you're looking for, what things you worry would be too upsetting and why, when you take into account what she's enjoyed before when you make a judgement, that there are sites where people post content warnings you can look for. I think it's a good skill for her to learn to be able to judge things later on when she wants to get into stuff that you and your wife don't want to have to watch/read. And I don't have any advice for the how, but if she does run into something upsetting, she'll need to know how to deal with it - self-soothing, knowing [x] isn't a real danger, how to deal with nightmares or thinking about it in bed, knowing that she can stop watching the movie if she needs to, things like that.
I think you're right that her experiences might make horror more fun to her on top of maybe just being a kid who likes to be scared, which is normal, so I wouldn't judge what she's doing or think she's being inappropriate, just help her navigate it safely.
posted by gaybobbie at 11:44 AM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
I don't and won't have kids, but I will say that I'm quite sincerely shocked by the frequency with which I hear parents asking questions that clearly imply that somehow they have no active memory of being a child or adolescent. That is, endless variants on "Why is my kid doing some entirely-normal-for-a-teenager thing?" where you would think they would remember the answer from their own childhood but nope. That's where I'm coming from, not knowing you from Adam's housecat, so sorry if the future will show that this doesn't fit you.
Anyway:
I think we partly don't understand how there could be any "upside" to letting her watch these things.
While nine does seem young for notionally-adult horror, the upside to letting her watch these things is allowing her to express her developing autonomy or wish for autonomy in an almost-certainly-harmless thing. Again with the caveat that I wouldn't expect this to really hit hard by nine, do you really not remember being a young adolescent and being just desperate to have any aspect of your lives where you didn't feel like a mere extension of your parents and their goals/wishes/preferences? Where you didn't have to be just this lump of clay your parents were molding to show off to other parents?
Just letting her jump into full-on 80s gorefests at 9 seems squiffy even to me, and I get that if you haven't ever been into horror flicks you have no way of knowing what's over the top and what isn't. I would suggest sitting down with her for a couple of classics -- Them!, the 50s version of The Blob or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, any of the various Dracula/Frankenstein/Wolfman etcs, maybe Forbidden Planet, etc. You can reasonably expect that anything made for US release before 1960 would be rated G today, though I will say that The Blob's theme song is horrifyingly earwormy.
If those sit well with her and she's 10/11/whatever, maybe something like Jaws or Poltergeist or something scary-but-gorefree like Rosemary's Baby? If she's 12/13 and has happily devoured those without nightmares etc and is all GIMME MOAR, that's when to hit her with Alien, the 1980s The Thing, Exorcist, or other sincerely scary, gory, full-steam-ahead horror, again pausing to check on her afterwards.
And just to say:
probably on the sensitive side of the spectrum (our day jobs are in the art/design world)
There are lots of people in the art/design world who work very hard to help create horror movies.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 11:48 AM on July 2, 2019 [20 favorites]
Anyway:
I think we partly don't understand how there could be any "upside" to letting her watch these things.
While nine does seem young for notionally-adult horror, the upside to letting her watch these things is allowing her to express her developing autonomy or wish for autonomy in an almost-certainly-harmless thing. Again with the caveat that I wouldn't expect this to really hit hard by nine, do you really not remember being a young adolescent and being just desperate to have any aspect of your lives where you didn't feel like a mere extension of your parents and their goals/wishes/preferences? Where you didn't have to be just this lump of clay your parents were molding to show off to other parents?
Just letting her jump into full-on 80s gorefests at 9 seems squiffy even to me, and I get that if you haven't ever been into horror flicks you have no way of knowing what's over the top and what isn't. I would suggest sitting down with her for a couple of classics -- Them!, the 50s version of The Blob or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, any of the various Dracula/Frankenstein/Wolfman etcs, maybe Forbidden Planet, etc. You can reasonably expect that anything made for US release before 1960 would be rated G today, though I will say that The Blob's theme song is horrifyingly earwormy.
If those sit well with her and she's 10/11/whatever, maybe something like Jaws or Poltergeist or something scary-but-gorefree like Rosemary's Baby? If she's 12/13 and has happily devoured those without nightmares etc and is all GIMME MOAR, that's when to hit her with Alien, the 1980s The Thing, Exorcist, or other sincerely scary, gory, full-steam-ahead horror, again pausing to check on her afterwards.
And just to say:
probably on the sensitive side of the spectrum (our day jobs are in the art/design world)
There are lots of people in the art/design world who work very hard to help create horror movies.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 11:48 AM on July 2, 2019 [20 favorites]
I was very much a horror kid at the same age that your kid is. Horror was (and is, to me) aesthetically pleasing and also a safe, contained way to explore and experience things that frightened me. Also, being scared in a safe way is fun, in the same way that some people apparently enjoy roller coasters - a thing that I personally have never viscerally understood.
I agree with bluedaisy above that, rather than banning horror altogether, it might be better to find age appropriate alternatives. Instead of Nightmare on Elm Street, some of the Universal Classics/other things of that vintage might be fun. (They were my favorites at her age.) If she likes werewolves, you might try The Wolfman or Werewolf of London or Cat People. I'd also stay away from Stephen King for a bit - as mentioned above, there's a lot of weird and distressing sexual stuff in his books, along with the horror. My favorite scary books as a kid her age were John Bellairs novels - proper shivery horror but written for middle graders, and with a guaranteed happy ending every time. She might also enjoy some of Frances Hardinge's spookier work, like Verdegris Deep, Cuckoo's Song, or The Lie Tree.
posted by darchildre at 11:49 AM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
I agree with bluedaisy above that, rather than banning horror altogether, it might be better to find age appropriate alternatives. Instead of Nightmare on Elm Street, some of the Universal Classics/other things of that vintage might be fun. (They were my favorites at her age.) If she likes werewolves, you might try The Wolfman or Werewolf of London or Cat People. I'd also stay away from Stephen King for a bit - as mentioned above, there's a lot of weird and distressing sexual stuff in his books, along with the horror. My favorite scary books as a kid her age were John Bellairs novels - proper shivery horror but written for middle graders, and with a guaranteed happy ending every time. She might also enjoy some of Frances Hardinge's spookier work, like Verdegris Deep, Cuckoo's Song, or The Lie Tree.
posted by darchildre at 11:49 AM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
Wow, sorry to immediately post again... but GCU hit what I meant in two words with "expressing autonomy". I don't know if it's right or wrong because it's so deeply personal to every person, but this question somehow hit me right in the feels because I wasn't allowed to express autonomy and loving horror movies/books was just one example of it throughout my childhood.
The only thing I am certain of is please don't let your daughter thing you disapprove of her as a person for what she likes or that she needs to hide it from you. I think that you asked and want to understand means you're not going to do that, but I gotta be clear cause it means a lot to me.
Also reading Coraline to her or watching it could be fun. It's spooky and a good test while being a kids book/movie.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:55 AM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
The only thing I am certain of is please don't let your daughter thing you disapprove of her as a person for what she likes or that she needs to hide it from you. I think that you asked and want to understand means you're not going to do that, but I gotta be clear cause it means a lot to me.
Also reading Coraline to her or watching it could be fun. It's spooky and a good test while being a kids book/movie.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:55 AM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
My 3 1/2 year old's favorite episode of Hilda on Netflix involves a nightmare spirit, inducing nightmares in Hilda's friend and then trying to do so to Hilda. My kid, I think, likes it because it's about friends helping each other, and maybe a tiny bit because the nightmare spirit is personified as a teenage girl (a mean girl, with other mean girl spirit friends.)
I was too scared at 9ish to watch Young Frankenstein, a movie that I gather is actually meant to be funny? And at 12 I went to a series of parties with a group of my classmates where we watched the Freddy Krueger movies and while I was scared of them, the evening get togethers with friends (mixed gender, just at the moment I was starting to care about pants feelings) were great.
When I was 6 or 7 my parents and their friends had a screening of A Clockwork Orange and Eraserhead. I would say that those were completely inappropriate for me to have watched - my mom in fact would not sit through Clockwork Orange but let me stay and watch (mom????!!)
I agree with the comment above to watch out more for weird race and sex stuff, because I honestly think that normalizing rape culture and white supremacy are worse than letting your kid get freaked out by scary stuff.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 12:01 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
I was too scared at 9ish to watch Young Frankenstein, a movie that I gather is actually meant to be funny? And at 12 I went to a series of parties with a group of my classmates where we watched the Freddy Krueger movies and while I was scared of them, the evening get togethers with friends (mixed gender, just at the moment I was starting to care about pants feelings) were great.
When I was 6 or 7 my parents and their friends had a screening of A Clockwork Orange and Eraserhead. I would say that those were completely inappropriate for me to have watched - my mom in fact would not sit through Clockwork Orange but let me stay and watch (mom????!!)
I agree with the comment above to watch out more for weird race and sex stuff, because I honestly think that normalizing rape culture and white supremacy are worse than letting your kid get freaked out by scary stuff.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 12:01 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
Oooh, I wonder how The Talisman would work as a compromise? It's a joint book by Stephen King and Peter Straub, but it's a little closer to fantasy than outright horror. It has a little less of the level of gore that your average Stephen King book does, and less of the sexual content as well; it's more like Stranger Things level gore and sex. And it was way fun; I read it myself when I was about 14 and really dug it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:13 PM on July 2, 2019
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:13 PM on July 2, 2019
You have to go by the kid and not the age. People vary wildly in how sensitive they are to being scared or grossed out. One of my coworkers said the word "slurry" the other day and I'm still recovering. If you based it on oversensitive me, then you'd think 49 was too young to see a horror movie. But, inexplicably, it doesn't seem to affect everyone this way.
posted by selfmedicating at 12:14 PM on July 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by selfmedicating at 12:14 PM on July 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
You know your child best wrt what she can handle, but I also want to tell you there is absolutely nothing to be gained from forbidding her the media she would like to partake of. You're going to get her back up against you at an age when you should be pulling out all stops to gain her trust. I encourage you to let her watch it, with a pre-prep talk to let her know it might be kind of scary, and a debrief (or perhaps even several debriefs) later to talk about what she thought of the movie and how scary she found it and which parts. Instead of forbidding her, show her how to process her scared feelings! Life skill opportunity right here, don't miss it!
If you decide to play the protective parent who doesn't allow their children to make such laughably low-stakes decisions on their own, what are you teaching your child? You're teaching her that someone else gets to be the boss of her. You're teaching her that you don't trust her. You're giving her every incentive to go behind your back in order to do what she likes. Take it from a daughter who was forbidden things: she is going to sneak around if you forbid it. (If you've raised her right, that is!! If you forbid her from watching a movie she desperately wants to, and she DOESN'T sneak around? You've got real problems then.)
Trust happens from letting your children make their own choices and then helping them through the troubles in the aftermath (if there are any) without judging them for making the choices in the first place, without even giving advice. Treat your daughter the same as you would treat her if she was 16 and dating a terrible person. Forbidding her is pointless. The best kind of parent in that scenario will:
1. Express their concerns in a BRIEF and possibly self-deprecating way ("I worry about you," is a classic for a reason).
2. Express unqualified confidence in the kid's ability to make good choices and seek help if anything goes wrong, and your support and admiration of said abilities.
3. Promise them that you will help if called upon.
4. LET THE CHILD GO and handle your own anxiety on your own.
5. The step you hope does not happen -- the kid's choice ends up being the wrong one, and they are hurt. You help them get back on their feet. You never ever ever ever breathe the words "I told you so." You don't even give advice. You count yourself lucky that your child trusts you enough to ask you for help.
Do this a few hundred times throughout the kid's childhood and if you're lucky, they will trust you and confide in you and ask for your support whenever they are in trouble as young adults and adults.
posted by MiraK at 12:16 PM on July 2, 2019 [14 favorites]
If you decide to play the protective parent who doesn't allow their children to make such laughably low-stakes decisions on their own, what are you teaching your child? You're teaching her that someone else gets to be the boss of her. You're teaching her that you don't trust her. You're giving her every incentive to go behind your back in order to do what she likes. Take it from a daughter who was forbidden things: she is going to sneak around if you forbid it. (If you've raised her right, that is!! If you forbid her from watching a movie she desperately wants to, and she DOESN'T sneak around? You've got real problems then.)
Trust happens from letting your children make their own choices and then helping them through the troubles in the aftermath (if there are any) without judging them for making the choices in the first place, without even giving advice. Treat your daughter the same as you would treat her if she was 16 and dating a terrible person. Forbidding her is pointless. The best kind of parent in that scenario will:
1. Express their concerns in a BRIEF and possibly self-deprecating way ("I worry about you," is a classic for a reason).
2. Express unqualified confidence in the kid's ability to make good choices and seek help if anything goes wrong, and your support and admiration of said abilities.
3. Promise them that you will help if called upon.
4. LET THE CHILD GO and handle your own anxiety on your own.
5. The step you hope does not happen -- the kid's choice ends up being the wrong one, and they are hurt. You help them get back on their feet. You never ever ever ever breathe the words "I told you so." You don't even give advice. You count yourself lucky that your child trusts you enough to ask you for help.
Do this a few hundred times throughout the kid's childhood and if you're lucky, they will trust you and confide in you and ask for your support whenever they are in trouble as young adults and adults.
posted by MiraK at 12:16 PM on July 2, 2019 [14 favorites]
I was reading VC Andrews at age 9, which is classified as romantic horror. It was mostly peer group influence, and I had recent history of trauma that numbed my emotions or I would probably not have been able to tolerate it.
Yes some people love horror. It seems especially common for INFP personality types (purely anecdotal). People enjoy a thrill, jump scares, etc. But I think age 11 is better than age 9. Having been hardened by trauma can make it work for younger ones but otherwise... Nah.
posted by crunchy potato at 12:17 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
Yes some people love horror. It seems especially common for INFP personality types (purely anecdotal). People enjoy a thrill, jump scares, etc. But I think age 11 is better than age 9. Having been hardened by trauma can make it work for younger ones but otherwise... Nah.
posted by crunchy potato at 12:17 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
bluedaisy mentioned it, but it's worth calling out Common Sense Media as a great resource for information on specific films (and games, etc). The age ranges both adults and kids suggest are helpful, but more importantly, breakdowns of the content (sex, violence, language, etc.) are great for figuring out what may be a good fit for your kid. Also, for older movies that contain more overt racism, misogyny, etc., there's usually some good reminders/warnings.
To your specific questions, it sounds like your daughter has a pretty good grasp on what she likes and what may be too much for her, which is great. I would suggest finding out which aspects of scary things she likes - the jump scares, the psychological/thriller aspects, the gory stuff (guessing not that!), etc. - and then seek out content that aligns with those aspects she does like without much of the parts she doesn't like.
As others have said, a blanket "no" isn't the best approach, but you absolutely can help guide her to find appropriate content and say no to specific things while saying yes to others.
posted by hankscorpio83 at 12:20 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
To your specific questions, it sounds like your daughter has a pretty good grasp on what she likes and what may be too much for her, which is great. I would suggest finding out which aspects of scary things she likes - the jump scares, the psychological/thriller aspects, the gory stuff (guessing not that!), etc. - and then seek out content that aligns with those aspects she does like without much of the parts she doesn't like.
As others have said, a blanket "no" isn't the best approach, but you absolutely can help guide her to find appropriate content and say no to specific things while saying yes to others.
posted by hankscorpio83 at 12:20 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
I personally hate horror films and I'll just read the wikipedia on what happens because once it's spoiled I have no desire to see it!. The thing is sometimes people call a movie "scary" when really it's gory, or vice versa. Can I handle a little thriller? Sure. Do I want to see someone ripped to pieces over the course of 2 hrs? Do I want to see animals sacrificed? Absolutely not. So it's helpful to know ahead of time what exactly is meant by "horror" and "scary". I would check out Does the Dog Die to see which movies show which type of scary things and then discuss with her what she really thinks she can handle.
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 12:20 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 12:20 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
After posting the link, I realized Common Sense Media also has lists like Scary Movies for Kids that can help you narrow it down.
posted by hankscorpio83 at 12:22 PM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by hankscorpio83 at 12:22 PM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
I think it bears noticing that all the stories of kids being traumatized by horror movies on this thread are kids whose parents didn't help them process what they had seen. Kids who didn't go to their parents to say "Dad, I think I'm a bit freaked out" (understandable that a kid wouldn't do that) AND parents who didn't go to their kids after the movie and say, "Hey, so that was your first horror movie, are you freaked out? Talk to me!" (parents don't have any good excuse for failing to do this). Either of these events would help a kid process and talk about nameless fears evoked by these horror movies, and thus not be traumatized by them.
I'll give you an example. My 11 yr old has been watching Buffy recently, and he just got to the end of the second season. The kid is fucking DEVASTATED. He's a sheltered child ito emotionally wrenching media (not because I don't let him consume these things but because his interests lie in other areas), and he's very sensitive, and he cried his eyes out after the end of that episode.
The important thing is, I am and was there for him. He talked about it for a half hour afterwards, expressing hurt and crying and being angry at Xander and being hurt all over again at what he had just seen. I was there to listen and help him put words to what felt so unfair about everything that happened. I checked in with him again at bedtime and asked how he was feeling. Answer: tears! So we hugged more and I listened for a few more minutes. I made sure to talk to him about it for 2-3 days afterwards, and as he left the emotional funk of that episode behind, he also got better and better at talking about his feelings about it, and telling exactly what parts made him want to cry, without actually crying about it. -- That, folks, is the sign of an emotionally devastating experience having been fully processed. It's the sign of non-trauma.
You help your daughter process her feelings, OP. Let her be scared, and then talk her through these emotions and help her express it in words. Check in with her again and again about how she's feeling and ask her to narrate the worst bits to you until she is better, until she can do it without clamming up and having a fright reaction. It's an amazing life skill for her to learn what it means to process emotionally fraught experiences. Even better that she can trust you to bear the weight of her emotions without freaking out, without lecturing her, and without punishing her for it.
posted by MiraK at 12:38 PM on July 2, 2019 [18 favorites]
I'll give you an example. My 11 yr old has been watching Buffy recently, and he just got to the end of the second season. The kid is fucking DEVASTATED. He's a sheltered child ito emotionally wrenching media (not because I don't let him consume these things but because his interests lie in other areas), and he's very sensitive, and he cried his eyes out after the end of that episode.
The important thing is, I am and was there for him. He talked about it for a half hour afterwards, expressing hurt and crying and being angry at Xander and being hurt all over again at what he had just seen. I was there to listen and help him put words to what felt so unfair about everything that happened. I checked in with him again at bedtime and asked how he was feeling. Answer: tears! So we hugged more and I listened for a few more minutes. I made sure to talk to him about it for 2-3 days afterwards, and as he left the emotional funk of that episode behind, he also got better and better at talking about his feelings about it, and telling exactly what parts made him want to cry, without actually crying about it. -- That, folks, is the sign of an emotionally devastating experience having been fully processed. It's the sign of non-trauma.
You help your daughter process her feelings, OP. Let her be scared, and then talk her through these emotions and help her express it in words. Check in with her again and again about how she's feeling and ask her to narrate the worst bits to you until she is better, until she can do it without clamming up and having a fright reaction. It's an amazing life skill for her to learn what it means to process emotionally fraught experiences. Even better that she can trust you to bear the weight of her emotions without freaking out, without lecturing her, and without punishing her for it.
posted by MiraK at 12:38 PM on July 2, 2019 [18 favorites]
MiraK's advice is excellent, but I would also echo the suggestions to ease her into actual horror with something like Gremlins or another comedy-horror from the same time period.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:43 PM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:43 PM on July 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
My 11 yr old has been watching Buffy recently, and he just got to the end of the second season. The kid is fucking DEVASTATED. He's a sheltered child ito emotionally wrenching media (not because I don't let him consume these things but because his interests lie in other areas), and he's very sensitive, and he cried his eyes out after the end of that episode.
Awwww, I love your kid!
Why do kids want to watch horror? Curiosity (what are these things that are so very beyond the pale?). Thrill-seeking. A desire to prove you can handle it. These traits stick around in your head even when you're a grown-ass person who knows perfectly well how graphic images can haunt you (speaking for a friend, of course). These are not actually, in themselves, negative traits. Try to frame it that way, rather than thinking that your kid has some weird or dangerous tendencies. In some ways, it's not really that different from wanting to climb a tree or do skateboard stunts--it's risk-taking behavior, and it's a parent's job to teach a kid how to manage those desires safely.
posted by praemunire at 1:10 PM on July 2, 2019 [5 favorites]
Awwww, I love your kid!
Why do kids want to watch horror? Curiosity (what are these things that are so very beyond the pale?). Thrill-seeking. A desire to prove you can handle it. These traits stick around in your head even when you're a grown-ass person who knows perfectly well how graphic images can haunt you (speaking for a friend, of course). These are not actually, in themselves, negative traits. Try to frame it that way, rather than thinking that your kid has some weird or dangerous tendencies. In some ways, it's not really that different from wanting to climb a tree or do skateboard stunts--it's risk-taking behavior, and it's a parent's job to teach a kid how to manage those desires safely.
posted by praemunire at 1:10 PM on July 2, 2019 [5 favorites]
P.S. If your kid must read King at some point, I'd start with Firestarter, which does have some graphic scenes but is much more SF than horror.
posted by praemunire at 1:11 PM on July 2, 2019
posted by praemunire at 1:11 PM on July 2, 2019
You don't ever have to condone her watching these movies, even if you decide to allow her to. Those are two different things. It is perfectly okay to let her know they're not to your taste and you have questions about how they impact people, or that they're not for everyone. And you can follow that up with "when you're X age, you can make your own decisions," and it is OK if that age is 13, or 15, or 18 or whatever boundary you feel comfortable setting so that you don't have to watch them with her.
posted by Miko at 1:24 PM on July 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by Miko at 1:24 PM on July 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
I think especially for people who don't understand the appeal of horror movies, being scared of something sounds like a pure negative. Or like you can only enjoy it if you're not scared. The way you talk about horror movies, you make it sound as though liking them is somehow at odds with being a nice, sensitive person. If so, that's a misunderstanding. I can assure you, I was a super polite, very sensitive kid. Scary stuff didn't change that. It's hard to explain why, but those movies and books were my escape from a world that felt pretty overwhelming to a nice, quiet, sensitive kid like me. Plus, horror movies were a way for me to bond with friends; in fact, my favorite thing to do, even today, is to watch horror movies with friends.
I won't give you a full account of my horror movie fandom as a kid. But like your daughter, I showed an interest in spooky stuff from a pretty young age, and I sought it out everywhere (in Goosebumps, in Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, in The Nightmare Before Christmas, and so on). One night when I was 9, my dad had to be out late, leaving me and my older sister alone. We were watching TV and this show we'd never heard of came on, called the X-Files. It was an episode about a Satanic cult, and there was a woman with scary eyes, and a snake in the basement, and it totally scared the shit out of me. As my dad likes to recall, he came home to find me and my sister huddled under the covers on his bed.
But guess what I wanted to see the very next week? Guess what would become my very favorite TV show? I was obsessed, and I mean obsessed.
If you were to go by my initial reaction, you'd think it was this horrible thing that I was way too young to see. You'd see how scared I was and think that something awful had happened to me. But I loved it.
The X-Files isn't as scary as something like Nightmare on Elm Street. Honestly, I think 9 is a little young for a movie like that. But possibly not by that much. I don't want to recommend one course of action over another, because I don't know you or your kid, or really, a lot about parenting. But I do know horror movies, as I have since I was a kid. And I at least know that it's hard to guess how people and kids will react to stuff (side note: my nephew is 3, and he got this haunted house book that none of us realized is actually pretty scary! But he loves it! Whereas he thinks Gargamel in the Smurfs is too scary to watch). I think the first non-kid scary movie I saw was Candyman, when I was 12. Was I kind of traumatized? Yes! Have I always remembered it as one of my favorite movie-viewing experiences? Yes! The context matters too: it makes a world of difference if the kid really wants to see the movie and watches it with friends. Honestly, the anticipation of "can we handle this?" was as exciting as the movie itself, everybody uncomfortably giggling before it starts.
I'm sorry that I can't offer more than this, but I hope this at least gives a little perspective from a kid level. I don't doubt that some people have horrible memories of watching scary movies as kids, but I wanted to share my perspective as someone who looks back on it all fondly -- even though I was probably just as scared as everyone else at the time.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 1:41 PM on July 2, 2019 [8 favorites]
I won't give you a full account of my horror movie fandom as a kid. But like your daughter, I showed an interest in spooky stuff from a pretty young age, and I sought it out everywhere (in Goosebumps, in Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, in The Nightmare Before Christmas, and so on). One night when I was 9, my dad had to be out late, leaving me and my older sister alone. We were watching TV and this show we'd never heard of came on, called the X-Files. It was an episode about a Satanic cult, and there was a woman with scary eyes, and a snake in the basement, and it totally scared the shit out of me. As my dad likes to recall, he came home to find me and my sister huddled under the covers on his bed.
But guess what I wanted to see the very next week? Guess what would become my very favorite TV show? I was obsessed, and I mean obsessed.
If you were to go by my initial reaction, you'd think it was this horrible thing that I was way too young to see. You'd see how scared I was and think that something awful had happened to me. But I loved it.
The X-Files isn't as scary as something like Nightmare on Elm Street. Honestly, I think 9 is a little young for a movie like that. But possibly not by that much. I don't want to recommend one course of action over another, because I don't know you or your kid, or really, a lot about parenting. But I do know horror movies, as I have since I was a kid. And I at least know that it's hard to guess how people and kids will react to stuff (side note: my nephew is 3, and he got this haunted house book that none of us realized is actually pretty scary! But he loves it! Whereas he thinks Gargamel in the Smurfs is too scary to watch). I think the first non-kid scary movie I saw was Candyman, when I was 12. Was I kind of traumatized? Yes! Have I always remembered it as one of my favorite movie-viewing experiences? Yes! The context matters too: it makes a world of difference if the kid really wants to see the movie and watches it with friends. Honestly, the anticipation of "can we handle this?" was as exciting as the movie itself, everybody uncomfortably giggling before it starts.
I'm sorry that I can't offer more than this, but I hope this at least gives a little perspective from a kid level. I don't doubt that some people have horrible memories of watching scary movies as kids, but I wanted to share my perspective as someone who looks back on it all fondly -- even though I was probably just as scared as everyone else at the time.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 1:41 PM on July 2, 2019 [8 favorites]
I highly recommend John Bellairs books for good kids horror. They’re actually scary but don’t have the violence or assault Stephen King might have
posted by azalea_chant at 2:12 PM on July 2, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by azalea_chant at 2:12 PM on July 2, 2019 [5 favorites]
That was right about the age I started really liking to read horror - both stuff aimed at my age, and all the King / Koontz / Cook I could get my hands on at our small library. It was an interesting and fun thing for me. It was also the age at which I watched Poltergeist and was real fucked up about it. A couple of years later I watched The Shining and loved it; those couple of years made a big difference in what I could watch and process.
It’s really individual to the kid, some kids find this stuff interesting or useful in exploring some of their scarier thoughts and feelings, and it’s not like you have to turn your kid loose on the Saw movies tomorrow. A little gentle exploration and discussion would be entirely appropriate at this age for many kids, would remove any forbidden-fruit stuff, and can help assess where she and you are at.
posted by Stacey at 2:30 PM on July 2, 2019
It’s really individual to the kid, some kids find this stuff interesting or useful in exploring some of their scarier thoughts and feelings, and it’s not like you have to turn your kid loose on the Saw movies tomorrow. A little gentle exploration and discussion would be entirely appropriate at this age for many kids, would remove any forbidden-fruit stuff, and can help assess where she and you are at.
posted by Stacey at 2:30 PM on July 2, 2019
Children's horror books are the best and it's a great way for her to fulfill that scare factor without horribly bloody scenes or stuff that's more than she bargained for. She doesn't have to rely of King, etc.
I highly recommend:
The Cabinet of Curiosities
Small Spaces
Spirit Hunters
Coraline
A Properly Unhaunted Place
Elizabeth and Zenobia
The Ghost of Crutchfield Hall
The Nest
Cuckoo Song
posted by donut_princess at 3:05 PM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
I highly recommend:
The Cabinet of Curiosities
Small Spaces
Spirit Hunters
Coraline
A Properly Unhaunted Place
Elizabeth and Zenobia
The Ghost of Crutchfield Hall
The Nest
Cuckoo Song
posted by donut_princess at 3:05 PM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
I've searched through the comments, and no one has mentioned this, but....Five Nights At Freddy's is a video game. It is infinitely tamer than any of the movies you have mentioned (but is big on jump scares.)
posted by 41swans at 3:16 PM on July 2, 2019
posted by 41swans at 3:16 PM on July 2, 2019
Trust your intuition on this one, especially since you and your wife aren't interested in horror stuff. You know your daughter best, and I do believe a lot of this comes down to her temperament and what you can tolerate. There's a happy intersection of those two somewhere.
My three kids each grew up with a different flavor. Middle kid was dark and interested in dark things long before the other two got there. She was watching and reading horror stuff by 10-11, and we didn't restrict her much simply because it was so clearly in her wheelhouse. She's 20 now, had an emo/goth phase in high school (as we expected), still into all the horror she can handle.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:20 PM on July 2, 2019
My three kids each grew up with a different flavor. Middle kid was dark and interested in dark things long before the other two got there. She was watching and reading horror stuff by 10-11, and we didn't restrict her much simply because it was so clearly in her wheelhouse. She's 20 now, had an emo/goth phase in high school (as we expected), still into all the horror she can handle.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:20 PM on July 2, 2019
I watched Lawnmower Man at a friend's house when I was about 9 or 10, because no one was supervising us and her older brother had it on and it was NOT OKAY. It really bothered me and even though I really didn't understand what was going on, the dark imagery and intense parts just really stuck with me and I can still (I'm 35 now) remember kind of vague dreamlike versions of the really scary scenes and can remember pretty intensely how not okay I felt watching it. I'm not like... scarred for life, but if I could go back I wish I wouldn't have stayed and watched it.
On the flip side, I was such a dinosaur kid and read Jurassic Park around the same age, and loved it. Full of scary parts, but they affected me really differently on paper. The movie came out pretty shortly after that, and I begged my parents until they caved and one of them took me to see it. It was definitely intense and I actually had a nightmare the night after, but I don't regret seeing it. I think I was prepared having read the book, and it also doesn't have the sexual/dark element that Lawnmower Man does.
Anyway, those are my two data points to add. I'd mostly err on the side of caution here, because with the age she is, she may just not have a sense of
ofjust how scary scary can be.
posted by augustimagination at 4:14 PM on July 2, 2019
On the flip side, I was such a dinosaur kid and read Jurassic Park around the same age, and loved it. Full of scary parts, but they affected me really differently on paper. The movie came out pretty shortly after that, and I begged my parents until they caved and one of them took me to see it. It was definitely intense and I actually had a nightmare the night after, but I don't regret seeing it. I think I was prepared having read the book, and it also doesn't have the sexual/dark element that Lawnmower Man does.
Anyway, those are my two data points to add. I'd mostly err on the side of caution here, because with the age she is, she may just not have a sense of
ofjust how scary scary can be.
posted by augustimagination at 4:14 PM on July 2, 2019
Nthing to let her try Goosebumps or maybe Fear Street first and see how it goes. Or whatever the contemporary equivalent of those is.
posted by thelastpolarbear at 4:17 PM on July 2, 2019
posted by thelastpolarbear at 4:17 PM on July 2, 2019
My 2 cents from the point of view of a parent of a similarly aged sensitive kid but also as a horror movie watching person (I started watching horror movies when I was 6 with the film Twisted Brain on a Saturday afternoon on local TV... oh that paper guillotine scene...)
Just like any kind of storytelling, horror communicates ideas and reflections of our own society but also provides very visceral emotions that we don't generally experience in our everyday life (hopefully). Experiencing that intense emotion can be a thrill for some of us - when I was 11 every cool girl I knew thought V.C. Andrews was the BEST WRITER EVAR! and that Flowers in the Attic deserved to be taught in schools.
I personally don't recommend just diving in randomly (like riding a bike - you're not gonna shove them down a hill the first time they get on a bike) but needs to be child led as well as guided in a safe(ish) way where your child can unpack their emotion. Horror has a variety of aesthetics & tones - something like Us is very different in tone & quality to something like the Saw franchise. So I'd explore some of the suggestions above (maybe Netflix's Curious Creations of Christine McConnell as well?) but ultimately you know your kid better then us. But remember, one of the interesting adventures with being a parent is when your kid develops an interest into something that is outside your scope of experience or interest. You get a different perspective or new appreciation for that thing you weren't into because it brings your kid joy or a thrill or both. I think that can be valuable parenting moment. Good luck (but I'm sure you'll be fine)!
posted by Ashwagandha at 4:32 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
Just like any kind of storytelling, horror communicates ideas and reflections of our own society but also provides very visceral emotions that we don't generally experience in our everyday life (hopefully). Experiencing that intense emotion can be a thrill for some of us - when I was 11 every cool girl I knew thought V.C. Andrews was the BEST WRITER EVAR! and that Flowers in the Attic deserved to be taught in schools.
I personally don't recommend just diving in randomly (like riding a bike - you're not gonna shove them down a hill the first time they get on a bike) but needs to be child led as well as guided in a safe(ish) way where your child can unpack their emotion. Horror has a variety of aesthetics & tones - something like Us is very different in tone & quality to something like the Saw franchise. So I'd explore some of the suggestions above (maybe Netflix's Curious Creations of Christine McConnell as well?) but ultimately you know your kid better then us. But remember, one of the interesting adventures with being a parent is when your kid develops an interest into something that is outside your scope of experience or interest. You get a different perspective or new appreciation for that thing you weren't into because it brings your kid joy or a thrill or both. I think that can be valuable parenting moment. Good luck (but I'm sure you'll be fine)!
posted by Ashwagandha at 4:32 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
At nine (or maybe 10) someone in my class at school hosted the first BOY GIRL PARTY for Halloween, and we stayed out LATE (until 10 pm), and yep, some kids did watch Silence of the Lambs in the TV room. I already knew myself to be a sensitive person so a few friends and I stayed in the kitchen and drank too much Sprite instead.
This is to say two things: 1) at 9 years old they probably ARE watching these movies for real, and 2) at 9 years old your kid probably knows best what she can handle.
I agree with what was said upthread: start with something older. My friends' kids (ages 9 and 12) just watched their first rated R movie with their parents - it was Jaws. Total non-issue.
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:37 PM on July 2, 2019
This is to say two things: 1) at 9 years old they probably ARE watching these movies for real, and 2) at 9 years old your kid probably knows best what she can handle.
I agree with what was said upthread: start with something older. My friends' kids (ages 9 and 12) just watched their first rated R movie with their parents - it was Jaws. Total non-issue.
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:37 PM on July 2, 2019
A parent in a Facebook group I am a member of asked a similar question this week. She wanted to take her six-year-old daughter to see the new Child's Play movie in the theater and wanted to know which theaters would allow this.
I was horrified. I've actually seen the new Child's Play and it is pretty gruesome. I can't imagine taking a child that young to watch it. I also don't want to think about trying to console my daughter later that night when they want to get in my bed to sleep because they are scared.
Kids are different, but the MPAA exists to provide guidance and they say these movie shouldn't be watched by anyone under 17 (for R) and under 13 (for PG-13).
posted by tacodave at 5:41 PM on July 2, 2019
I was horrified. I've actually seen the new Child's Play and it is pretty gruesome. I can't imagine taking a child that young to watch it. I also don't want to think about trying to console my daughter later that night when they want to get in my bed to sleep because they are scared.
Kids are different, but the MPAA exists to provide guidance and they say these movie shouldn't be watched by anyone under 17 (for R) and under 13 (for PG-13).
posted by tacodave at 5:41 PM on July 2, 2019
The MPAA doesn’t say no one under those ages should watch those movies — that’s what NC-17 is for (it stands for “no children under 17 admitted”). The ratings system is just a general guideline suggesting “parental guidance” for kids under a certain age. PG means parental guidance is suggested for small children, PG-13 means parental guidance is recommended for children under 13, and R means that parental guidance is recommended for kids under 17. (And I think in practice, that means theaters are supposed turn away kids under those ages if they aren’t accompanied by a parent; all kids are turned away from NC-17 movies.)
All of which I think is pretty reasonable. I would have felt like my parents didn’t trust me had I not been allowed to watch R rated movies until I was almost done with high school.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 6:03 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
All of which I think is pretty reasonable. I would have felt like my parents didn’t trust me had I not been allowed to watch R rated movies until I was almost done with high school.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 6:03 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
My friends' kids (ages 9 and 12) just watched their first rated R movie with their parents - it was Jaws. Total non-issue.
Jaws is rated PG tho.
posted by Mothlight at 6:05 PM on July 2, 2019
Jaws is rated PG tho.
posted by Mothlight at 6:05 PM on July 2, 2019
It sounds like you want to test the waters with her to see what is too scary or not scary enough. Can you try the "Thriller" music video by Michael Jackson? It is creepy and old school horror movie esque and he turns into a werewolf. And I was the questionable parent who showed it to my 5yo who wanted to see something scary. It is short enough to not be too invested in it yet long enough to have some scare factor.
posted by jillithd at 6:43 PM on July 2, 2019
posted by jillithd at 6:43 PM on July 2, 2019
I saw Poltergeist when I was 8 and it scarred me for life. I couldn't even watch the Family Guy Poltergeist parody episode -- and I was 30 years old when that came out.
On the other hand, my 8 year old loves Stranger Things (thanks, older siblings!). She has said that some episodes of Doctor Who are scarier than Stranger Things. She begged to watch it so we discussed how scary it was with her and confirmed that she did really want to watch it. I watch it with her and when there's a scary scene I remind her that she can close her eyes or leave the room. I don't like horror and originally I didn't want to watch Stranger Things, but there's something special (hello, nostalgia!) about this show that transcends genres.
However, I absolutely wouldn't let my 8 year old watch It, even though some of her peer group has (or as you suggest, it might be influence from older siblings). One of her classmates pulled up a clip of Chucky on YouTube and it gave my daughter nightmares for weeks.
My 12 year old wants to read and watch Game of Thrones. For now I said no, but I'm on the fence about it and we're still discussing it.
Everyone is different and every kid has a different threshold for distinguishing fantasy from reality and for what is truly scary to them. I don't have specific advice for your situation other than to discuss with her why she wants to read those books or watch those movies, follow her lead, give her some freedom, give her alternatives, give her an easy out if she changes her mind, and keep checking in to make sure she's happy with what she's reading and watching.
Holy Jebus on toast, apparently Poltergeist was given a PG rating after an appeal of the original R rating. Just mentioning that movie made me tense up now.
posted by ellenaim at 8:40 PM on July 2, 2019
On the other hand, my 8 year old loves Stranger Things (thanks, older siblings!). She has said that some episodes of Doctor Who are scarier than Stranger Things. She begged to watch it so we discussed how scary it was with her and confirmed that she did really want to watch it. I watch it with her and when there's a scary scene I remind her that she can close her eyes or leave the room. I don't like horror and originally I didn't want to watch Stranger Things, but there's something special (hello, nostalgia!) about this show that transcends genres.
However, I absolutely wouldn't let my 8 year old watch It, even though some of her peer group has (or as you suggest, it might be influence from older siblings). One of her classmates pulled up a clip of Chucky on YouTube and it gave my daughter nightmares for weeks.
My 12 year old wants to read and watch Game of Thrones. For now I said no, but I'm on the fence about it and we're still discussing it.
Everyone is different and every kid has a different threshold for distinguishing fantasy from reality and for what is truly scary to them. I don't have specific advice for your situation other than to discuss with her why she wants to read those books or watch those movies, follow her lead, give her some freedom, give her alternatives, give her an easy out if she changes her mind, and keep checking in to make sure she's happy with what she's reading and watching.
Holy Jebus on toast, apparently Poltergeist was given a PG rating after an appeal of the original R rating. Just mentioning that movie made me tense up now.
posted by ellenaim at 8:40 PM on July 2, 2019
You’ve heard from a lot of people already that watching horror movies too young (or at all) affected them in a really deep, serious way. Now, sure, maybe your child is different. But really, why would you risk it? Why not just let her watch age appropriate ‘scary’ movies? Because once this stuff is in their head, that’s it, the damage is done. (Says the girl who only saw the trailer for the Carrie movie as a child and was still traumatised years later.)
posted by Jubey at 1:04 AM on July 3, 2019
posted by Jubey at 1:04 AM on July 3, 2019
I guess part of my thinking on this is that your child is going to watch and read some stuff that's out of your control anyway - I lived a pretty restricted and very isolated life and even I did this - so it's unlikely that she is literally going to be deprived of every trace of horror movies. When I look back on my childhood, I feel like it was good to have a regular home environment where that stuff wasn't the norm and I spent my time reading and watching other things. The issue isn't "can we keep her little eyes from ever seeing a horror movie", it's "what should be normal and typical".
Also: leaving aside the gore, consider what your child knows about the grown-up world and what you want her to first encounter through, eg, Stephen King. I think that especially now, people assume that because kids talk all internet-sassy and have seen a lot of memes, they are far more sophisticated about adult stuff than they actually are and have more of an adult understanding of how people relate than they actually do. TV, movies and books are kids' windows on "what do adults do", and just because of the sheer volume of content (and the skeevy nature of some of it) they are not necessarily going to come to you to find out if life actually works like that. Things that are obviously untrue, done for effect, exaggerated or satirical to an adult can read as completely true and realistic to a kid. Horror and thrillers tend to have an air of spurious "realism" or "hard-boiled" perspective that makes them particularly effective in this regard - "oh, here's the way the world really works".
Kids are less sheltered than they were when I was little, so you'll need to apply your own metrics, but I literally learned a horror/thriller narrative about teen and adult sexuality long before I learned anything better or healthier and long before I had access to non-bad sexually explicit material. The real problem was that some terrible ideas were presented as normal and acceptable - really gross objectification of teenage girls, a jokey-predatory approach to women's sexuality, some really unrealistic ideas about How To Sex, a lot of stuff about fetishes and various uncommon sexual practices, all through a creepy, creepy lens. (And this is going to be doubly and trebly true for older material.)
Also, a lot of Kingean horror is about bullying and outsiderdom. For me, as a frequently bullied outsider, this didn't make me feel seen; it increased my paranoia. What I took from a lot of Stephen King books was that my peers would go to any lengths to humiliate and hurt me, even endanger me or let me die. This really did affect how I viewed the world, much for the worse.
Now, Stephen King in particular is not a bad guy, and It also introduced me to some foundational ideas about American racism and racist violence, but it would have been far, far better if I'd encountered all the other stuff when I already had a pretty solid foundation of ideas about gender and sexuality.
"But doesn't all media do this", you're going to say. Horror is a genre that does a lot of stuff about bodies, gender, outsiderdom, violence and death very, very specifically and intensely. A difference in pervasiveness and intensity becomes a difference in kind when you carry it far enough.
I guess what I'm saying here is be thoughtful about what foundations your kid has for encountering specific horror material, because otherwise a lot of her social education will come from it and that's not really good for a nine year old.
posted by Frowner at 3:50 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
Also: leaving aside the gore, consider what your child knows about the grown-up world and what you want her to first encounter through, eg, Stephen King. I think that especially now, people assume that because kids talk all internet-sassy and have seen a lot of memes, they are far more sophisticated about adult stuff than they actually are and have more of an adult understanding of how people relate than they actually do. TV, movies and books are kids' windows on "what do adults do", and just because of the sheer volume of content (and the skeevy nature of some of it) they are not necessarily going to come to you to find out if life actually works like that. Things that are obviously untrue, done for effect, exaggerated or satirical to an adult can read as completely true and realistic to a kid. Horror and thrillers tend to have an air of spurious "realism" or "hard-boiled" perspective that makes them particularly effective in this regard - "oh, here's the way the world really works".
Kids are less sheltered than they were when I was little, so you'll need to apply your own metrics, but I literally learned a horror/thriller narrative about teen and adult sexuality long before I learned anything better or healthier and long before I had access to non-bad sexually explicit material. The real problem was that some terrible ideas were presented as normal and acceptable - really gross objectification of teenage girls, a jokey-predatory approach to women's sexuality, some really unrealistic ideas about How To Sex, a lot of stuff about fetishes and various uncommon sexual practices, all through a creepy, creepy lens. (And this is going to be doubly and trebly true for older material.)
Also, a lot of Kingean horror is about bullying and outsiderdom. For me, as a frequently bullied outsider, this didn't make me feel seen; it increased my paranoia. What I took from a lot of Stephen King books was that my peers would go to any lengths to humiliate and hurt me, even endanger me or let me die. This really did affect how I viewed the world, much for the worse.
Now, Stephen King in particular is not a bad guy, and It also introduced me to some foundational ideas about American racism and racist violence, but it would have been far, far better if I'd encountered all the other stuff when I already had a pretty solid foundation of ideas about gender and sexuality.
"But doesn't all media do this", you're going to say. Horror is a genre that does a lot of stuff about bodies, gender, outsiderdom, violence and death very, very specifically and intensely. A difference in pervasiveness and intensity becomes a difference in kind when you carry it far enough.
I guess what I'm saying here is be thoughtful about what foundations your kid has for encountering specific horror material, because otherwise a lot of her social education will come from it and that's not really good for a nine year old.
posted by Frowner at 3:50 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
I am wondering when we should and kinda... why we should?
I write children's books. They are not horror stories but they do include some scary elements (slimy mud monsters, for example, or a girl's mom being tied down by a villain who is slowly draining her blood.)
Art gives us a chance to explore things that would be dangerous to explore in real life. Having rehearsed our reactions to these things in a safe fictional environment, we feel better prepared to eventually confront them in reality.
Say you're a kid, and you just learned that your parents won't live forever. This is the scariest thing you could imagine -- on a scariness scale of 1 to 10, it's a 10. That's too much for you to deal with! You could handle a scariness rating of 6, but 10 is way too much! But you can't forget what you know, so you somehow have to confront this level 10 horror.
Fortunately, fictional death is less scary than real death. If real death is 10, fictional death is somewhere between 1 and 9, depending on how intensely it's presented.
So ideally, you'd read books or watch movies at a scariness rating of 6. That would give you practice in confronting horror, and eventually you'd feel a little braver-- like you could handle 6.1 on the Scary Scale. And if some of those books or movies dealt specifically with fictional parental death, they might have made the real thing a little less scary-- maybe it now it feels like a 9.9. Eventually, your increasing bravery will meet the decreasing scariness of real life, and you'll feel like you can handle the real world.
...or, at least, that's the theory. In practice, there is no Scary Scale. Scariness is totally subjective, and there's no way of knowing whether any given book or movie will help your daughter or traumatize her. Fortunately, relative scariness is a little easier to assess. I agree with you that it is way too big a leap from Goosebumps to Nightmare On Elm Street. I would instead encourage you to seek out things that are just a little scarier than Goosebumps, and then turn up the scariness dial slowly and carefully.
Based on my own childhood memories, I agree that old black-and-white horror movies and John Bellairs' books are good stepping stones. As a kid, I also loved Alfred Hitchcock movies (although obviously some are scarier than others-- I didn't work up the nerve to see Psycho until I was a teenager) and Roald Dahl books. I haven't watched some of those movies or read some of those books for decades, so I'm hesitant to recommend them unequivocally -- but it sounds like you and your wife are careful about checking things out on your own before exposing your daughter.
posted by yankeefog at 3:51 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
I write children's books. They are not horror stories but they do include some scary elements (slimy mud monsters, for example, or a girl's mom being tied down by a villain who is slowly draining her blood.)
Art gives us a chance to explore things that would be dangerous to explore in real life. Having rehearsed our reactions to these things in a safe fictional environment, we feel better prepared to eventually confront them in reality.
Say you're a kid, and you just learned that your parents won't live forever. This is the scariest thing you could imagine -- on a scariness scale of 1 to 10, it's a 10. That's too much for you to deal with! You could handle a scariness rating of 6, but 10 is way too much! But you can't forget what you know, so you somehow have to confront this level 10 horror.
Fortunately, fictional death is less scary than real death. If real death is 10, fictional death is somewhere between 1 and 9, depending on how intensely it's presented.
So ideally, you'd read books or watch movies at a scariness rating of 6. That would give you practice in confronting horror, and eventually you'd feel a little braver-- like you could handle 6.1 on the Scary Scale. And if some of those books or movies dealt specifically with fictional parental death, they might have made the real thing a little less scary-- maybe it now it feels like a 9.9. Eventually, your increasing bravery will meet the decreasing scariness of real life, and you'll feel like you can handle the real world.
...or, at least, that's the theory. In practice, there is no Scary Scale. Scariness is totally subjective, and there's no way of knowing whether any given book or movie will help your daughter or traumatize her. Fortunately, relative scariness is a little easier to assess. I agree with you that it is way too big a leap from Goosebumps to Nightmare On Elm Street. I would instead encourage you to seek out things that are just a little scarier than Goosebumps, and then turn up the scariness dial slowly and carefully.
Based on my own childhood memories, I agree that old black-and-white horror movies and John Bellairs' books are good stepping stones. As a kid, I also loved Alfred Hitchcock movies (although obviously some are scarier than others-- I didn't work up the nerve to see Psycho until I was a teenager) and Roald Dahl books. I haven't watched some of those movies or read some of those books for decades, so I'm hesitant to recommend them unequivocally -- but it sounds like you and your wife are careful about checking things out on your own before exposing your daughter.
posted by yankeefog at 3:51 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
My son is 12 and has been super interested in 5 Nights at Freddies, Stephen King's IT and other super scary stuff since about 8. After he pestered me relentlessly to play 5 Nights at Freddies for about 6 months, I gave in and let him download the game. He played it for about 3 days and then asked me to delete it. Then the repercussions started. He was unable to sleep at night, he became terrified whenever he saw FNAF stuff in stores...and honestly, that shit is everywhere, he started to have intrusive thoughts and read more and more about the storyline online. He talked to older kids about it even though it terrified him. It was crazy and the story line is deeply disturbing in that game specifically. It was a mess and my husband and I were completely unprepared for the chaos that one decision unleashed.
I also watched some deeply disturbing horror movies at sleepovers when I was that age - Amityville Horror (sp?), The Exorcist etc. I would HIGHLY recommend being super restrictive about that heavy hitting horror stuff at this age. There are some scenes from those movies that I would pay good money to have excised from my brain. I actually feel the same way about books too. There are some Stephen King books that I wish I'd never read.
Gremlins, Goonies, Goosebumps, Super 8, ET are all great movies that helped introduce scary stuff without the serious psychological stuff. I think Stranger Things was the first "unknown" we introduced and it was great. Both my boys (aged 9 and 11 when we were watching it a few years ago) really loved it.
I've had long conversations with my 12yo at this point about how I'm still haunted by things I saw and read at his age. I think he kind of understands why we're restrictive about certain kinds of movies but will still let him watch most Marvel movies without issue. It's such a tough road when their friends are supposedly watching them at their house...but stay strong and I would specifically try and avoid FNAF. A therapist I spoke to said that like 80% of the anxiety issues/ intrusive thoughts in his patients were spawned from that game...I mean he mentioned that game specifically as being a problem!
posted by victoriab at 5:09 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
I also watched some deeply disturbing horror movies at sleepovers when I was that age - Amityville Horror (sp?), The Exorcist etc. I would HIGHLY recommend being super restrictive about that heavy hitting horror stuff at this age. There are some scenes from those movies that I would pay good money to have excised from my brain. I actually feel the same way about books too. There are some Stephen King books that I wish I'd never read.
Gremlins, Goonies, Goosebumps, Super 8, ET are all great movies that helped introduce scary stuff without the serious psychological stuff. I think Stranger Things was the first "unknown" we introduced and it was great. Both my boys (aged 9 and 11 when we were watching it a few years ago) really loved it.
I've had long conversations with my 12yo at this point about how I'm still haunted by things I saw and read at his age. I think he kind of understands why we're restrictive about certain kinds of movies but will still let him watch most Marvel movies without issue. It's such a tough road when their friends are supposedly watching them at their house...but stay strong and I would specifically try and avoid FNAF. A therapist I spoke to said that like 80% of the anxiety issues/ intrusive thoughts in his patients were spawned from that game...I mean he mentioned that game specifically as being a problem!
posted by victoriab at 5:09 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hi all!
I want to thank each of you for the thoughtful responses to my question, as vaguely formed as it was!
Some updates and responses:
1) Apparently, I (and maybe our daughter) misunderstood the conversation about reading "It." Our daughter found the book at Target and started carrying it around. My wife told her that she would have to get lots better at finishing chapter books that we have started (and there are many of them) before she could move on to a big adult book like that. When I followed up with my wife this morning, she said she would work on moving her towards a more appropriate reward book as she makes her way through any of her current chapter books if she starts focusing on getting to read "It." So she's definitely not going to read it in the near future.
2) I apologize that I made it sound like people who like horror are deviants. I don't feel that way. What I meant to do (and also failed at) was to contrast my daughter's sensitivity with her desire for more stimulating media.
3) You all have really identified the tension I was feeling better than I did in my question. I grew up reading comic books and science fiction and fantasy in the 80s when that marked one as a "weirdo." In fact, I still read comics, science fiction and fantasy! My wife grew up in the same era and was obsessed with the pioneer era and Jean Auel books. So we both understand what it's like to love something that other people around you don't "get." So, on the one hand, like some MeFites have suggested, we have this instinct to try to share our daughter's interest in something different than the norm, even, or especially, if it's not our norm. We definitely don't want her to feel like her aesthetic tastes make her any less worthy or valuable as a person to her parents, even if we don't share those tastes. On the other hand, I do have some aesthetic experiences that, while they have mostly faded, I could have done without experiencing, such as seeing Robocop as a tween or Candyman as a teenager (one of the few horror movies I've ever watched). My wife also could name movies or books she wishes she hadn't experienced at a certain age, or at all. Those people who have talked about only being young once or having long recovery experiences from a movie that was too intense have identified both what my wife and I experienced growing up and what we are afraid of for our daughter in the near term. Obviously, one of the big heartbreaks of raising children is that you simply can't protect them from all their own hurts and heartaches. Which leads me to...
3) This thread was very good in reminding me to remind my daughter of something, and for that I am grateful! At dinner last night, I reminded her that if she ever does something where she breaks a family rule, or otherwise does something she thinks she shouldn't have and gets hurt, she needs to remember that Mommy and Daddy love her and will want to help her right away. I directly told her that if she ever watches something that she thinks we didn't want her to watch and it makes her feel bad, she should tell us and we will help her instead of being mad.
TLDR: We're gonna keep gently delaying her exposure to some of these movies and books for a few more years, if possible. We're also gonna keep the lines of communication opwn and reinforce that it's perfectly okay to like what she likes, but some stuff you just need to be older for. Again, I really appreciate the conversation!
posted by Slothrop at 6:48 AM on July 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
I want to thank each of you for the thoughtful responses to my question, as vaguely formed as it was!
Some updates and responses:
1) Apparently, I (and maybe our daughter) misunderstood the conversation about reading "It." Our daughter found the book at Target and started carrying it around. My wife told her that she would have to get lots better at finishing chapter books that we have started (and there are many of them) before she could move on to a big adult book like that. When I followed up with my wife this morning, she said she would work on moving her towards a more appropriate reward book as she makes her way through any of her current chapter books if she starts focusing on getting to read "It." So she's definitely not going to read it in the near future.
2) I apologize that I made it sound like people who like horror are deviants. I don't feel that way. What I meant to do (and also failed at) was to contrast my daughter's sensitivity with her desire for more stimulating media.
3) You all have really identified the tension I was feeling better than I did in my question. I grew up reading comic books and science fiction and fantasy in the 80s when that marked one as a "weirdo." In fact, I still read comics, science fiction and fantasy! My wife grew up in the same era and was obsessed with the pioneer era and Jean Auel books. So we both understand what it's like to love something that other people around you don't "get." So, on the one hand, like some MeFites have suggested, we have this instinct to try to share our daughter's interest in something different than the norm, even, or especially, if it's not our norm. We definitely don't want her to feel like her aesthetic tastes make her any less worthy or valuable as a person to her parents, even if we don't share those tastes. On the other hand, I do have some aesthetic experiences that, while they have mostly faded, I could have done without experiencing, such as seeing Robocop as a tween or Candyman as a teenager (one of the few horror movies I've ever watched). My wife also could name movies or books she wishes she hadn't experienced at a certain age, or at all. Those people who have talked about only being young once or having long recovery experiences from a movie that was too intense have identified both what my wife and I experienced growing up and what we are afraid of for our daughter in the near term. Obviously, one of the big heartbreaks of raising children is that you simply can't protect them from all their own hurts and heartaches. Which leads me to...
3) This thread was very good in reminding me to remind my daughter of something, and for that I am grateful! At dinner last night, I reminded her that if she ever does something where she breaks a family rule, or otherwise does something she thinks she shouldn't have and gets hurt, she needs to remember that Mommy and Daddy love her and will want to help her right away. I directly told her that if she ever watches something that she thinks we didn't want her to watch and it makes her feel bad, she should tell us and we will help her instead of being mad.
TLDR: We're gonna keep gently delaying her exposure to some of these movies and books for a few more years, if possible. We're also gonna keep the lines of communication opwn and reinforce that it's perfectly okay to like what she likes, but some stuff you just need to be older for. Again, I really appreciate the conversation!
posted by Slothrop at 6:48 AM on July 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
That's great. It's impossible to stop a determined kid from a thing they really want often. I once bought a PlayStation with my own money and I would unbox it every night to play, then rebox and hide it. For months. Kids are crafty! That's such a wholesome update. Helping her deal with anything that she might not have been ready for will make her stronger and feel loved IMO.
For anyone curious:
Five Nights at Freddies is a jumpscare game where you use tools (cameras, doors, a flashlight, etc. it varies) to ward off these creepy animatronic puppets at a Chuck-E-Cheese place overnight. You have to survive the night. It's not particularly over the top or well made compared to the genre of jump scare games, it's just very popular. It would give kids nightmares, I imagine.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:19 AM on July 3, 2019
For anyone curious:
Five Nights at Freddies is a jumpscare game where you use tools (cameras, doors, a flashlight, etc. it varies) to ward off these creepy animatronic puppets at a Chuck-E-Cheese place overnight. You have to survive the night. It's not particularly over the top or well made compared to the genre of jump scare games, it's just very popular. It would give kids nightmares, I imagine.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:19 AM on July 3, 2019
I think it's worth note how many of the traumatic memories people have of watching films were films that they didn't choose or seek out, or films that their parents didn't know about and support them through, or films where they didn't feel comfortable taking things at their own pace.
I'm a "no horror movies" adult myself - I have some anxiety issues and suspend disbelief a little too well. But one of the most intensely traumatic, most lingering memories I have of reading a novel is from a scene I misunderstood in "Little Women" as a child (it used a death-adjacent metaphor to refer to one child becoming an adult). So, you sort of can't win.
But even if your child does someday become horrified, traumatized by something they see (in fiction, in news, in history [Holocaust education did not do me well], in real life)... Trauma is a thing that can be processed, and having your support as her parents in integrating what she's seen will be a big support to her in learning how to absorb it.
posted by Lady Li at 8:09 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm a "no horror movies" adult myself - I have some anxiety issues and suspend disbelief a little too well. But one of the most intensely traumatic, most lingering memories I have of reading a novel is from a scene I misunderstood in "Little Women" as a child (it used a death-adjacent metaphor to refer to one child becoming an adult). So, you sort of can't win.
But even if your child does someday become horrified, traumatized by something they see (in fiction, in news, in history [Holocaust education did not do me well], in real life)... Trauma is a thing that can be processed, and having your support as her parents in integrating what she's seen will be a big support to her in learning how to absorb it.
posted by Lady Li at 8:09 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
To add to Lady Li’s point, one of the most shocking movie moments in my life was watching ET as a little kid and not understanding the scenes with ET looking very sick and the feds coming to steal him away and then chasing the kids on bikes. No grown ups thought to explain to me what the heck was going on there. I bet your support, presence, and reassurance will make a big difference in how she feels about what she’s reading or watching. Including the reminder that it’s all make believe!
posted by sallybrown at 8:16 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by sallybrown at 8:16 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
Firestarter is pretty tame
Except for the bit where the guy sticks his hand down the garbage disposal. Stephen King will get you like that. I was 12 when I read that, and for days I went around with a vision of bloody gore spattered on the cabinets seared on my brain, not to mention envisioning the actual act in too much detail over and over again. Every kid is different, but that was very grotesque. It's like people say, you know your kid best. I would say 9 is too young, IMO. I think you did very well to initiate this discussion.
posted by Crystal Fox at 9:51 AM on July 3, 2019
Except for the bit where the guy sticks his hand down the garbage disposal. Stephen King will get you like that. I was 12 when I read that, and for days I went around with a vision of bloody gore spattered on the cabinets seared on my brain, not to mention envisioning the actual act in too much detail over and over again. Every kid is different, but that was very grotesque. It's like people say, you know your kid best. I would say 9 is too young, IMO. I think you did very well to initiate this discussion.
posted by Crystal Fox at 9:51 AM on July 3, 2019
For the record, there are books based on the Five Nights at Freddy's games, which the library I work for keeps in the "teen fiction" section... but they are hugely popular with the middle school set.
As others have mentioned above, the horror operates on just startling you with sudden creepy robot animal face, not the disturbing/sexual horror of something like IT.
and I'm in the "I accidentally saw IT too young" crowd – I remember it making me afraid to turn my back on the tub drain in the shower for a good while afterward
posted by The demon that lives in the air at 11:45 AM on July 3, 2019
As others have mentioned above, the horror operates on just startling you with sudden creepy robot animal face, not the disturbing/sexual horror of something like IT.
and I'm in the "I accidentally saw IT too young" crowd – I remember it making me afraid to turn my back on the tub drain in the shower for a good while afterward
posted by The demon that lives in the air at 11:45 AM on July 3, 2019
Just a quick note to follow up after your follow-up, since I suspect there are things that you and your wife may not be aware of:
Apparently, I (and maybe our daughter) misunderstood the conversation about reading "It." Our daughter found the book at Target and started carrying it around. My wife told her that she would have to get lots better at finishing chapter books that we have started (and there are many of them) before she could move on to a big adult book like that. When I followed up with my wife this morning, she said she would work on moving her towards a more appropriate reward book as she makes her way through any of her current chapter books if she starts focusing on getting to read "It." So she's definitely not going to read it in the near future.
In case you and your wife aren't aware, there's another section of It that may be problematic for your daughter to read: the 12-year-old characters all have sex as a group bonding activity.
Just mentioning this not because I think you and your wife may be wavering, but rather because I suspect that you and your wife were not aware of this otherwise your reaction to It might have been a lot more of a definite "oh hell no".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:13 PM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
Apparently, I (and maybe our daughter) misunderstood the conversation about reading "It." Our daughter found the book at Target and started carrying it around. My wife told her that she would have to get lots better at finishing chapter books that we have started (and there are many of them) before she could move on to a big adult book like that. When I followed up with my wife this morning, she said she would work on moving her towards a more appropriate reward book as she makes her way through any of her current chapter books if she starts focusing on getting to read "It." So she's definitely not going to read it in the near future.
In case you and your wife aren't aware, there's another section of It that may be problematic for your daughter to read: the 12-year-old characters all have sex as a group bonding activity.
Just mentioning this not because I think you and your wife may be wavering, but rather because I suspect that you and your wife were not aware of this otherwise your reaction to It might have been a lot more of a definite "oh hell no".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:13 PM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you for the concern. When I wrote that she is not going to read it in the near future, I mean that she won’t read it for at least a few years. She actually told me at dinner that she needs to pick out a new book, so I appreciate some of the more age appropriate horror book recommendations others have made in this thread!
posted by Slothrop at 5:23 PM on July 3, 2019
posted by Slothrop at 5:23 PM on July 3, 2019
I just remembered a wonderful spooky book for kids: The Screaming Staircase by Jonathan Stroud. It's the first book in a series about ghost-hunting kids in an alternate version of London.
posted by yankeefog at 1:28 PM on July 15, 2019
posted by yankeefog at 1:28 PM on July 15, 2019
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