I need her to have more fun.
March 1, 2006 9:56 PM Subscribe
Sex-less renewed relationship with girlfriend, how to get her [a little bit] out of her shell?
I just got back together with a girl I had a 2 year relationship with because I feel like I am more ready to settle down and she truly could be the one.
Everything is all hunky-dory, but wait. She has always been on the conservative side. Is "uncomfortable" staying over, she wants to wait until marriage (now 26), and has stayed true to that. I have respected her for this decision back then and still do today. Yes, it was hard then for me already having sex (20), and still is (probably more so at 26).
Even though she talks about it in a very dreamy, it-will-be-amazing way, how do get her more interested in playing around in the meantime? She seems adamant about not going too far or getting too crazy, since once she does, and has (about once a month), we both have a little bit of fun.
Simply put, i want to do something, while waiting for this big day. I do love her, and feel this is a perfectly normal expression that shouldn't be limited to a contract.
I just got back together with a girl I had a 2 year relationship with because I feel like I am more ready to settle down and she truly could be the one.
Everything is all hunky-dory, but wait. She has always been on the conservative side. Is "uncomfortable" staying over, she wants to wait until marriage (now 26), and has stayed true to that. I have respected her for this decision back then and still do today. Yes, it was hard then for me already having sex (20), and still is (probably more so at 26).
Even though she talks about it in a very dreamy, it-will-be-amazing way, how do get her more interested in playing around in the meantime? She seems adamant about not going too far or getting too crazy, since once she does, and has (about once a month), we both have a little bit of fun.
Simply put, i want to do something, while waiting for this big day. I do love her, and feel this is a perfectly normal expression that shouldn't be limited to a contract.
Trust is hard to earn, intimate trust doubly so. Is she really this adamant because "she's adamant", or because you've given her reason not to trust that you won't go too far?
not to attack you, because I kind of think the whole "wait till marriage" thing is very silly. But if you're going to take it as seriously as you say you are, I wonder if you've gone a little too far sometimes with her and scared her enough that she doesn't trust you.
posted by evariste at 10:32 PM on March 1, 2006
not to attack you, because I kind of think the whole "wait till marriage" thing is very silly. But if you're going to take it as seriously as you say you are, I wonder if you've gone a little too far sometimes with her and scared her enough that she doesn't trust you.
posted by evariste at 10:32 PM on March 1, 2006
To be a little more helpful, trust is incrementally earned. Good little intimate experiences build on each other. You say you have some form of sexual playfulness about once a month now. That's a pretty good start. You would probably like it to be more frequent. Try not to get in a rut with her where certain occasions or dates are "the time" for intimacy. I think you'll find that it'll happen a lot more often, and who knows, maybe she'll relent even before you get married and go all the way with you. However: since she's waited this long, I think you should be as interested as her in waiting until marriage. She obviously thinks there's something special about that; why take that away from her for a moment of fleeting pleasure, and risk resentment later?
posted by evariste at 10:36 PM on March 1, 2006
posted by evariste at 10:36 PM on March 1, 2006
Some things to consider:
-how long before you begin to resent that SHE doesnt trust YOU enough to have sex with you?
-if she's that way about something that you feel is natural and shouldnt be limited to a contract - on something that is possibly the most important/intimate part of a loving relationship - what ELSE will you two differ about? Ie, this could well be the tip of the iceburg.
-Dont confuse love - your love for her - with a sense of security/comfort/ready to settle down/lust. It may be those things that are clouding your judgement in terms of why you broke up with her in the first place, or why you shouldnt - perhaps - be with someone who doesnt trust you back in the ways that you'd like to be trusted.
Just based on seeing such a basic incompatibility on something so important, I'd say - not to be rude - that this relationship probably has a lot of other problems that are being buried for the moment. It may be that both of your upbringings are just way too different.
For instance, On what grounds does she want to 'wait till marraige'? Religious grounds? If so - do you share that level of blind faith? Doesnt sound like it.
Anyway, just my 2 cents... ;)
posted by jak68 at 10:55 PM on March 1, 2006
-how long before you begin to resent that SHE doesnt trust YOU enough to have sex with you?
-if she's that way about something that you feel is natural and shouldnt be limited to a contract - on something that is possibly the most important/intimate part of a loving relationship - what ELSE will you two differ about? Ie, this could well be the tip of the iceburg.
-Dont confuse love - your love for her - with a sense of security/comfort/ready to settle down/lust. It may be those things that are clouding your judgement in terms of why you broke up with her in the first place, or why you shouldnt - perhaps - be with someone who doesnt trust you back in the ways that you'd like to be trusted.
Just based on seeing such a basic incompatibility on something so important, I'd say - not to be rude - that this relationship probably has a lot of other problems that are being buried for the moment. It may be that both of your upbringings are just way too different.
For instance, On what grounds does she want to 'wait till marraige'? Religious grounds? If so - do you share that level of blind faith? Doesnt sound like it.
Anyway, just my 2 cents... ;)
posted by jak68 at 10:55 PM on March 1, 2006
jak, between your post above and this one, I'd like to suggest that you may be confusing your issues with others.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:29 PM on March 1, 2006
posted by five fresh fish at 11:29 PM on March 1, 2006
five fresh fish wrote....
...I'd like to suggest that you may be confusing your issues with others.
That's the beauty of Ask MeFi, it gives you a chance to mix and match neuroses with other people.
jak68 wrote...
Just based on seeing such a basic incompatibility on something so important...
I think this is a fairly important point. Sexual compatibility is one of the (fairly) reliable determinators for marital happiness, and you do seem to be starting with a bit of handicap here.
Still, none of this is what you asked. You wanted to know how to bring her out of her shell.
What you need to do is to seduce her.
You can try googling on the word "seduction", but that will give you a bunch of depressing links for horny single guys. What you're looking for requires flowers, romantic meals, candlelight, hot tubs, body rubs, and all of the other things you'd best learn anyway if you're going to be a good husband.
She's not going to suddenly change into a frisky kitten after the wedding if she's been repressing her sexual urges this long, so I'd say you really can't too much practice in setting the mood.
Good luck and have fun :-)
posted by tkolar at 12:33 AM on March 2, 2006
...I'd like to suggest that you may be confusing your issues with others.
That's the beauty of Ask MeFi, it gives you a chance to mix and match neuroses with other people.
jak68 wrote...
Just based on seeing such a basic incompatibility on something so important...
I think this is a fairly important point. Sexual compatibility is one of the (fairly) reliable determinators for marital happiness, and you do seem to be starting with a bit of handicap here.
Still, none of this is what you asked. You wanted to know how to bring her out of her shell.
What you need to do is to seduce her.
You can try googling on the word "seduction", but that will give you a bunch of depressing links for horny single guys. What you're looking for requires flowers, romantic meals, candlelight, hot tubs, body rubs, and all of the other things you'd best learn anyway if you're going to be a good husband.
She's not going to suddenly change into a frisky kitten after the wedding if she's been repressing her sexual urges this long, so I'd say you really can't too much practice in setting the mood.
Good luck and have fun :-)
posted by tkolar at 12:33 AM on March 2, 2006
"Even though she talks about it in a very dreamy, it-will-be-amazing way (...)"
You should ask her if she has any plans for a big "dream wedding". I bet she has.
Otherwise, you could go to Vegas and get married tomorrow. Problem solved!
posted by iviken at 12:44 AM on March 2, 2006
You should ask her if she has any plans for a big "dream wedding". I bet she has.
Otherwise, you could go to Vegas and get married tomorrow. Problem solved!
posted by iviken at 12:44 AM on March 2, 2006
She sounds like she's a good friend. Love her as deeply as you can as a friend and look elsewhere for a lover.
posted by rdr at 12:59 AM on March 2, 2006
posted by rdr at 12:59 AM on March 2, 2006
Even though she talks about it in a very dreamy, it-will-be-amazing way
She is almost certainly going to be disappointed. Girls who idealize their "first time" like this almost always are. And then they start to wonder "Oh shit, was I wrong my whole life about how this was going to be? Or is he the wrong guy? Or is there something wrong with me?" which can lead them even FURTHER into their shell. Get her to talk to some of her girlfriends about how awkward and silly their first times were. Seriously, do anything you can to try to disabuse her of this crazy romantic notion of sex. That will help things in the long run.
posted by antifuse at 3:13 AM on March 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
She is almost certainly going to be disappointed. Girls who idealize their "first time" like this almost always are. And then they start to wonder "Oh shit, was I wrong my whole life about how this was going to be? Or is he the wrong guy? Or is there something wrong with me?" which can lead them even FURTHER into their shell. Get her to talk to some of her girlfriends about how awkward and silly their first times were. Seriously, do anything you can to try to disabuse her of this crazy romantic notion of sex. That will help things in the long run.
posted by antifuse at 3:13 AM on March 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
I think if she believes that sex is for the wedding night, that any attempt to lead her into sexual territory is at the very least disrespectful to her and her beliefs. If you don't like her stance move on and let her find someone who does respect her and her mores.
Because if you carry on and succeed with your plan for "playing around" she will wind up feeling cheap-and eventually this might even lead to a breakup (for various reasons.)
Again, if you don't respect her feelings on this matter, let her find someone who does.
posted by konolia at 5:02 AM on March 2, 2006
Because if you carry on and succeed with your plan for "playing around" she will wind up feeling cheap-and eventually this might even lead to a breakup (for various reasons.)
Again, if you don't respect her feelings on this matter, let her find someone who does.
posted by konolia at 5:02 AM on March 2, 2006
Do you know what it would take to know that she's "the one"? You might want to figure that out, so you know what to look for, and how long you might be waiting.
posted by Alt F4 at 5:29 AM on March 2, 2006
posted by Alt F4 at 5:29 AM on March 2, 2006
Uncomfortable with sex and sees it in a "dreamy" way? I'd like tell you she's just shy, but it could be a whole lot worse than that.
posted by GoodJob! at 5:40 AM on March 2, 2006
posted by GoodJob! at 5:40 AM on March 2, 2006
I'll agree with konolia on the surface. I think that trying to push this is a bad thing.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 6:20 AM on March 2, 2006
posted by KirkJobSluder at 6:20 AM on March 2, 2006
konolia is right.
People who insist on no sex before marriage and no cohabitation before marriage are going into the two most intimate parts of the marital relationship completely blind.
(Tip for the not-yet-betrothed: On your wedding night, you will be exhausted, hungry, your wife will be covered in makeup and hair goo, and you will just want to sleep.)
posted by Saucy Intruder at 6:31 AM on March 2, 2006
People who insist on no sex before marriage and no cohabitation before marriage are going into the two most intimate parts of the marital relationship completely blind.
(Tip for the not-yet-betrothed: On your wedding night, you will be exhausted, hungry, your wife will be covered in makeup and hair goo, and you will just want to sleep.)
posted by Saucy Intruder at 6:31 AM on March 2, 2006
Even though she talks about it in a very dreamy, it-will-be-amazing way.
I'm with the others: this is naive. Unless you're a world-class cocksman, a lover extraordinaire, a Don Juan and a Casanova of the first order, she's going to be so, so, sorry she waited. In my experience, men and women with the "let's wait; it will be wonderful" perspective show similar imprudent optimism elsewhere: "I'll just go to New York and do a little modeling until I find a real job"; "I'll surely win the tryouts for that game show and then when I win the big prize..."; "Let's buy *five* lottery tickets; one of them will be a winner"; "Of course it's okay to quit my job; I'm certain to get that other one"; "She looks clean; I won't catch anything"; "I'm a very good driver; I've only had a couple of drinks"; "I'll just keep the gun right here in case of robbers; I'm a good shot and won't panic and the kids will never find it."
posted by Mo Nickels at 6:32 AM on March 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
I'm with the others: this is naive. Unless you're a world-class cocksman, a lover extraordinaire, a Don Juan and a Casanova of the first order, she's going to be so, so, sorry she waited. In my experience, men and women with the "let's wait; it will be wonderful" perspective show similar imprudent optimism elsewhere: "I'll just go to New York and do a little modeling until I find a real job"; "I'll surely win the tryouts for that game show and then when I win the big prize..."; "Let's buy *five* lottery tickets; one of them will be a winner"; "Of course it's okay to quit my job; I'm certain to get that other one"; "She looks clean; I won't catch anything"; "I'm a very good driver; I've only had a couple of drinks"; "I'll just keep the gun right here in case of robbers; I'm a good shot and won't panic and the kids will never find it."
posted by Mo Nickels at 6:32 AM on March 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
Abstinence is obviously an important value to her - so I wouldn't try to push her to break it or go beyond her comfortable limits. Marriage should be much more about partnership and friendship, in my opinion, than sex. However, I say this because my wife and I discuss being intimate, our thoughts and desires and what we may be missing often - open communication is KEY.
If she's "the one" then continue to love her and be with her, grow your relationship and eventually propose to her. In the meantime, invest in some pornography, take advantage of the free pics, videos and stories on the net and find a way to seperate your sexual unfulfilment from your love for this woman. Perhaps....just talk about it.
posted by bkdelong at 6:37 AM on March 2, 2006
If she's "the one" then continue to love her and be with her, grow your relationship and eventually propose to her. In the meantime, invest in some pornography, take advantage of the free pics, videos and stories on the net and find a way to seperate your sexual unfulfilment from your love for this woman. Perhaps....just talk about it.
posted by bkdelong at 6:37 AM on March 2, 2006
Gotta agree with konolia on this one, having known couples where saving sex for marriage was the plan, and he eventually wore her down. It is resented, and regretted. It hasn't ruined their relationship, but it's one of those "if we could go back and change things" issues, on both sides. He regrets disrespecting her, she still feels bad about it, even with a more relaxed view of sex now.
She's told you that she's uncomfortable with this, that she does not want to go "too far", that she wants to wait until marriage. Are you married to her? No? Then she doesn't want to have sex with you. Don't "seduce" her and make her regret it. Don't be the guy who knew exactly how she felt about it and pushed on anyways.
Is it a silly and naive way to view sex? Sure. Does that give you license to make the decision for her? Nope.
You may want to have a chat about what exactly she's abstaining from. "Abstinence" is usually pretty vague, so maybe she's one of those "only kissing until marriage" girls, or maybe she's up for more than that. Talk to her, find out what her limits are, and think about whether or not that's cool with you.
posted by heatherann at 6:43 AM on March 2, 2006
She's told you that she's uncomfortable with this, that she does not want to go "too far", that she wants to wait until marriage. Are you married to her? No? Then she doesn't want to have sex with you. Don't "seduce" her and make her regret it. Don't be the guy who knew exactly how she felt about it and pushed on anyways.
Is it a silly and naive way to view sex? Sure. Does that give you license to make the decision for her? Nope.
You may want to have a chat about what exactly she's abstaining from. "Abstinence" is usually pretty vague, so maybe she's one of those "only kissing until marriage" girls, or maybe she's up for more than that. Talk to her, find out what her limits are, and think about whether or not that's cool with you.
posted by heatherann at 6:43 AM on March 2, 2006
Put me down as agreeing with this guy.
There are bigger problems afoot here. Basic incompatibility? This is more than basic. "Very dreamy, it-will-be-amazing" in the future? Baloney. That's passive-aggressive code for "never gonna happen, but I'm not strong enough to tell you in plain English because I'm afraid you'll leave. Again."
It may be hunky-dory now, but not for long.
posted by frogan at 8:06 AM on March 2, 2006
There are bigger problems afoot here. Basic incompatibility? This is more than basic. "Very dreamy, it-will-be-amazing" in the future? Baloney. That's passive-aggressive code for "never gonna happen, but I'm not strong enough to tell you in plain English because I'm afraid you'll leave. Again."
It may be hunky-dory now, but not for long.
posted by frogan at 8:06 AM on March 2, 2006
I hate saying this, but I agree with Konolia. For whatever reason--which you haven't elaborated upon--your girlfriend feels very strongly about this. What your question boils down to is: "How do I overcome my girlfriend's objections, and trick her into the sack?"
Seriously. That's the sort of thing boys in high school ask how to do. If you're 26 and haven't learned yet that if your partner--male or female, it doesn't matter--wants to wait, then you bloody well wait, then frankly, perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship, at least not with this person. Sure, sometimes the reasons for waiting are truly fucked up, in which case you talk about them.
But that's all you do. You talk. And you respect their decision. If it's a dealbreaker for you, then it's a dealbreaker. But what you do not do is try and find ways to seduce them, force them to overcome their convictions. They have to choose to do that on their own, or the most likely result is a whole lot of resentment. That's exactly what heatherann said above, and she's exactly right.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:35 AM on March 2, 2006
Seriously. That's the sort of thing boys in high school ask how to do. If you're 26 and haven't learned yet that if your partner--male or female, it doesn't matter--wants to wait, then you bloody well wait, then frankly, perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship, at least not with this person. Sure, sometimes the reasons for waiting are truly fucked up, in which case you talk about them.
But that's all you do. You talk. And you respect their decision. If it's a dealbreaker for you, then it's a dealbreaker. But what you do not do is try and find ways to seduce them, force them to overcome their convictions. They have to choose to do that on their own, or the most likely result is a whole lot of resentment. That's exactly what heatherann said above, and she's exactly right.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:35 AM on March 2, 2006
Well, I don't know if the OP specifically has sexual intercourse in mind. It seems to me the question has more to do with something along the lines of that old puritan tradition of letting people who are engaged sleep in the same bed, as long as there was a board between them to keep hanky panky down to petting across the board.
Of course, I'm of the opinion that considering that the puritans both recognized that women had orgasms, and that the majority of puritan brides were pregnant anyway, we don't give them enough credit for their complexity.
"Virginity" is such a tricky subject. There are people who are "virgins" who will be more than happy to engage in all kinds of sexual activity leading to orgasms for one or both parties.
For me, my opinion on this is not grounded on any great value towards the wedding night, or claims to the divine sanctity of marriage. But on the general principle that I have some moral values that I keep quite dear, and I would find it highly annoying if someone tried to push me into compromising those values for his/her benefit. This would set off lots of warning bells in my head regarding the level of respect that person has for me.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 8:54 AM on March 2, 2006
Of course, I'm of the opinion that considering that the puritans both recognized that women had orgasms, and that the majority of puritan brides were pregnant anyway, we don't give them enough credit for their complexity.
"Virginity" is such a tricky subject. There are people who are "virgins" who will be more than happy to engage in all kinds of sexual activity leading to orgasms for one or both parties.
For me, my opinion on this is not grounded on any great value towards the wedding night, or claims to the divine sanctity of marriage. But on the general principle that I have some moral values that I keep quite dear, and I would find it highly annoying if someone tried to push me into compromising those values for his/her benefit. This would set off lots of warning bells in my head regarding the level of respect that person has for me.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 8:54 AM on March 2, 2006
If you're 26 and haven't learned yet that if your partner--male or female, it doesn't matter--wants to wait, then you bloody well wait, then frankly, perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship, at least not with this person.
Agreed. Essentially, you're saying, "How can I get her to do something she doesn't want to do?" And well... that's pretty messed up. This seems to me like a mismatch.
posted by elisabeth r at 9:07 AM on March 2, 2006
Agreed. Essentially, you're saying, "How can I get her to do something she doesn't want to do?" And well... that's pretty messed up. This seems to me like a mismatch.
posted by elisabeth r at 9:07 AM on March 2, 2006
Never push someone toward a place they do not want to be. Value love and friendship, just like al green - the older you get, the more important and more difficult these things become to maintain, much less have in your life. At the same don't wait around wasting your life. Life is very, very short.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 9:26 AM on March 2, 2006
posted by The Jesse Helms at 9:26 AM on March 2, 2006
And, if you mess around, which I think you should, don't tell her, and always wear a condom. Don't ruin it with a great girl by blowing your health with a slutty bartender or easy waitress.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 9:28 AM on March 2, 2006
posted by The Jesse Helms at 9:28 AM on March 2, 2006
Who knows. Maybe she's just stringing you along because you're showering her with lavish attention. she likes the attention, but doesn't really want to give a whole lot back.
Happened to a friend of mine. The girl was a religious "I just want to wait" type. He was not. He showered her with attention & love for a couple years, and she never changed her mind. Eventually she decided that he wasn't the one that God had selected for her and dropped him like a hot rock.
So, I'm thinkin' there are other issues that we're not seeing. *I* sure as hell wouldn't put MY life on hold just because a girl had a ridiculous idea of what sex was going to be like, but I'm not a religious prude either.
Chances are you two have some other serious background differences too. I'd probably cut this one off and find someone that's in the same ballpark that you are.
posted by drstein at 10:11 AM on March 2, 2006
Happened to a friend of mine. The girl was a religious "I just want to wait" type. He was not. He showered her with attention & love for a couple years, and she never changed her mind. Eventually she decided that he wasn't the one that God had selected for her and dropped him like a hot rock.
So, I'm thinkin' there are other issues that we're not seeing. *I* sure as hell wouldn't put MY life on hold just because a girl had a ridiculous idea of what sex was going to be like, but I'm not a religious prude either.
Chances are you two have some other serious background differences too. I'd probably cut this one off and find someone that's in the same ballpark that you are.
posted by drstein at 10:11 AM on March 2, 2006
12 years ago, my girlfriend and I decided to wait until marriage. 8 years ago, we got married.
It turned out that the reason she was so keen to wait until marriage is that she just wasn't interested in sex. She was uninterested in it, and repulsed by it, and she didn't want to tell me that because she was afraid she'd lose me.
That led to 7 years of me trying to initiate sex, and her constantly rejecting my advances, which led to our divorce a year ago.
If sex is important to you, then sexual compatibility is one of the ways your should measure your mate to determine if she's a good fit. You can't do that if you wait until marriage.
posted by Laen at 11:46 AM on March 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
It turned out that the reason she was so keen to wait until marriage is that she just wasn't interested in sex. She was uninterested in it, and repulsed by it, and she didn't want to tell me that because she was afraid she'd lose me.
That led to 7 years of me trying to initiate sex, and her constantly rejecting my advances, which led to our divorce a year ago.
If sex is important to you, then sexual compatibility is one of the ways your should measure your mate to determine if she's a good fit. You can't do that if you wait until marriage.
posted by Laen at 11:46 AM on March 2, 2006 [1 favorite]
I'm going to go ahead and say that many of the commenters are idiots.
Now, with that out of the way, I'd like to mention a few of the people I know. Names will have been changed to protect the "innocent".
Alice wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. She got into college, was hit on by EVERYBODY (she was pretty hot) and was a massive tease. She used to walk around in a skimpy t-shirt and panties in the dorm, and got changed in front of every guy she knew. She finally gave in after freshman year and LOVED IT and was sorry she waited.
Betty wanted to remain a virgin until she found the right guy. She found that guy. She had sex. It was awesome. She wasn't sorry she waited, but it had nothing to do with being conservative or waiting until she got married. She just knew losing her virginity was going to be special and so that's who she wanted it to be with.
Carmen wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. She got married at 17, had sex, loved it, but now, at 20, hates her husband and has for two years. She's not going to get a divorce cause she's ultra religious. She's going to have a life of hell, her husband may end up cheating on her, and they're both going to take it out on their kids.
Debbie wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. She's ultra religious, but waited until she was 22 to get married. She fell in love at first sight, got married four months later and started shagging like you wouldn't believe. They're happy, they're healthy, they have beautiful kids, and are incredibly happy they both waited.
Erica wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. She did EVERYTHING but sex, including anal sex, but felt she was still a virgin. She lost her virginity while drunk, felt awful about herself, and kinda dropped off the face of the earth. I don't even know if she's alive.
Felicia wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. Dated many people (including myself) and had fairly significant, intimate relationships. I'm proud to say I got her to go the farthest, and I was also her shortest relationship. We talk once in a while (10 years later) and she's still an unmarried virgin and happy about it. She's very religious and when she loses her virginity she's gonna love it and be incredibly happy she waited.
Which of these 6 women is your girlfriend? If it's a religious sort of wanting to wait until you're married then suck it up and help her through it. If it's just a generic "wanting to wait until you're married" then hmm..maybe helping her out of her shell is a good thing. I mean, she's gone this far without the sex, right?
You don't want to rush things...then the relationship could end up shit...I mean, like Carmen, above. Your actual duty is to help her remain a virgin.
So what do you want to do as far as "playing around"? Your best bet is to get engaged, frankly. It may be the best decision of your life...to not wait like society is telling you. And you can have a long engagement, and remind her that you're engaged, so you can probably at least pleasure each other a little manually.
But I mean, I wouldn't try to push oral on her or anything..some girls are good with that, only wanting to be technical virgins...doesn't sound like your chick is one of those.
Create some hard "great-wall-of-china" rules that you're not gonna pass, and make her trust that you believe that..that way she'll relax a little and feel that as long as you're on the other side of that wall that she can do it and have a good time.
posted by taumeson at 12:46 PM on March 2, 2006
Now, with that out of the way, I'd like to mention a few of the people I know. Names will have been changed to protect the "innocent".
Alice wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. She got into college, was hit on by EVERYBODY (she was pretty hot) and was a massive tease. She used to walk around in a skimpy t-shirt and panties in the dorm, and got changed in front of every guy she knew. She finally gave in after freshman year and LOVED IT and was sorry she waited.
Betty wanted to remain a virgin until she found the right guy. She found that guy. She had sex. It was awesome. She wasn't sorry she waited, but it had nothing to do with being conservative or waiting until she got married. She just knew losing her virginity was going to be special and so that's who she wanted it to be with.
Carmen wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. She got married at 17, had sex, loved it, but now, at 20, hates her husband and has for two years. She's not going to get a divorce cause she's ultra religious. She's going to have a life of hell, her husband may end up cheating on her, and they're both going to take it out on their kids.
Debbie wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. She's ultra religious, but waited until she was 22 to get married. She fell in love at first sight, got married four months later and started shagging like you wouldn't believe. They're happy, they're healthy, they have beautiful kids, and are incredibly happy they both waited.
Erica wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. She did EVERYTHING but sex, including anal sex, but felt she was still a virgin. She lost her virginity while drunk, felt awful about herself, and kinda dropped off the face of the earth. I don't even know if she's alive.
Felicia wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. Dated many people (including myself) and had fairly significant, intimate relationships. I'm proud to say I got her to go the farthest, and I was also her shortest relationship. We talk once in a while (10 years later) and she's still an unmarried virgin and happy about it. She's very religious and when she loses her virginity she's gonna love it and be incredibly happy she waited.
Which of these 6 women is your girlfriend? If it's a religious sort of wanting to wait until you're married then suck it up and help her through it. If it's just a generic "wanting to wait until you're married" then hmm..maybe helping her out of her shell is a good thing. I mean, she's gone this far without the sex, right?
You don't want to rush things...then the relationship could end up shit...I mean, like Carmen, above. Your actual duty is to help her remain a virgin.
So what do you want to do as far as "playing around"? Your best bet is to get engaged, frankly. It may be the best decision of your life...to not wait like society is telling you. And you can have a long engagement, and remind her that you're engaged, so you can probably at least pleasure each other a little manually.
But I mean, I wouldn't try to push oral on her or anything..some girls are good with that, only wanting to be technical virgins...doesn't sound like your chick is one of those.
Create some hard "great-wall-of-china" rules that you're not gonna pass, and make her trust that you believe that..that way she'll relax a little and feel that as long as you're on the other side of that wall that she can do it and have a good time.
posted by taumeson at 12:46 PM on March 2, 2006
Man. taumeson's post read like The Nails' song 88 Lines About 44 Women.
posted by Alt F4 at 4:54 PM on March 2, 2006
posted by Alt F4 at 4:54 PM on March 2, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by qwip at 10:28 PM on March 1, 2006