Am I being an asshole if I ask a guest to leave? Reno complications
June 20, 2019 9:07 PM Subscribe
I've got a problem that involves my sabbatical, home renovations and hosting a group of non-paying temporary residents over the summer. My schedule has gone pear-shaped, and I'd like opinions on whether or not I can ask one of my guests to leave early or if I'm doomed to fucking live in a hotel room until my renos are done in order to make everything fit.
Snowflake issues, long, complicated brain-freeze causing blizzard level ones, below the jump.
I own a big house within walking distance of the campus that I teach at; I'm in the middle of a large renovation project that started back in January and was supposed to be done by May. This involves gutting one floor entirely, a second partially, adding a bathroom and completely re-wiring and re-plumbing the entire house, plus ripping the roof off, lowering part of it to build a deck and inserting dormers to expand the attic. Expensive massive noisy dirty job, made less expensive but more time consuming because it's being done by a small local crew I know.
I'm also on sabbatical this year: unofficially since May, officially starting July 1, and so back in the fall I made arrangements for the local summer theatre festival to use my house to house some of their out of town hires this summer and next (I'm on the board of this organization so I know and trust them, and I don't want to fuck them over). The idea was that the company would get a place to house people for free and I'd get people to live in the house and look after the cats while I left on my research project. They were delighted and slotted two people into the space: not a problem, as it was a 5 bedroom house and will be a 4 bedroom one. One person arrived at the end of May and the other is coming July 1.
At the same time, back in January, a friend asked me if I could put up a foreign student who was in town for a 6 month internship with one of the professional schools: this person was living with mutual friends, but the place was a long way away from the university and our bus service is disastrously bad. I agreed: the student was willing to pay rent, but I've never taken it from them because they've been living in a construction zone for the whole time they've been here. They've been here since February, and they're planning on staying until July 18th before flying home. They just told me, last night, that the internship is now finished.
So: July 1 is 10 days away and the renos, which I'd expected to be at least in their final stages, aren't done. I can't leave until they're done or at least at the 'all decisions are made and fixtures picked' stage. At the moment this is at least a month away: the second floor is done except for the windows in my bedroom and the ceiling in the bathroom, but the third floor (the attic) is at the insulation-and-vapor barrier stage, so the whole thing needs to be drywalled and mudded, the third floor bathroom needs fixtures, tiling and finishing, the gas fireplace needs to be installed, the deck railings need to be put on, and the windows, which should have arrived three weeks ago, need to be installed.
The problem is that the house now has three functioning bedrooms on the second floor, all three are occupied (me, student and theatre person one) and I've got a 4th person (theatre person two) arriving in 10 days. Ever since I realized that the house wouldn't be finished in time I've intended to set up my bedroom (which is the space that was under construction on the second floor -- all my shit's still in boxes), put the second boarder from the theatre company in there, leave for 18 days and come back when the student had left.
But: the windows are now delayed and are arriving July 1, hopefully, and are going to be installed in the first week of July. That includes the windows in my bedroom. It's not just replacement: they're being enlarged, so the back wall will be cut open and a certain amount of finishing carpentry and drywalling will be done, which will mean putting a whole bunch of my shit back into boxes and piling up all the furniture so the workers have space to move. I can put up with this going on around me (I can go sleep on the couch for a night or two) but I don't feel comfortable asking a guest to do it.
I can still go travel for July, but that means being away for a LOT of the work and the person staying in my room will still be discommoded. I can go stay at a hotel locally, so I'll be around, but that's fucking expensive. Or I can ask the student to see if they can stay with friends for 18 days in July and put the second theatre person in their room. I'd then be able to stay in my room and deal with the construction until it was done or far enough along that I can leave town.
I feel badly about doing this -- the student hasn't done anything wrong -- but their internship is finished, so they no longer NEED to be within walking distance of campus. Basically, they're now on vacation and visiting with friends, and asking them to find another place to stay would solve the problem. I can't crap out on the theatre company: I'm on the board and I gave my word, and I want them to house people in the house next summer too.
What says Ask Mefi? Can you guys suggest another option? Am I being a total shit for thinking this way?
I own a big house within walking distance of the campus that I teach at; I'm in the middle of a large renovation project that started back in January and was supposed to be done by May. This involves gutting one floor entirely, a second partially, adding a bathroom and completely re-wiring and re-plumbing the entire house, plus ripping the roof off, lowering part of it to build a deck and inserting dormers to expand the attic. Expensive massive noisy dirty job, made less expensive but more time consuming because it's being done by a small local crew I know.
I'm also on sabbatical this year: unofficially since May, officially starting July 1, and so back in the fall I made arrangements for the local summer theatre festival to use my house to house some of their out of town hires this summer and next (I'm on the board of this organization so I know and trust them, and I don't want to fuck them over). The idea was that the company would get a place to house people for free and I'd get people to live in the house and look after the cats while I left on my research project. They were delighted and slotted two people into the space: not a problem, as it was a 5 bedroom house and will be a 4 bedroom one. One person arrived at the end of May and the other is coming July 1.
At the same time, back in January, a friend asked me if I could put up a foreign student who was in town for a 6 month internship with one of the professional schools: this person was living with mutual friends, but the place was a long way away from the university and our bus service is disastrously bad. I agreed: the student was willing to pay rent, but I've never taken it from them because they've been living in a construction zone for the whole time they've been here. They've been here since February, and they're planning on staying until July 18th before flying home. They just told me, last night, that the internship is now finished.
So: July 1 is 10 days away and the renos, which I'd expected to be at least in their final stages, aren't done. I can't leave until they're done or at least at the 'all decisions are made and fixtures picked' stage. At the moment this is at least a month away: the second floor is done except for the windows in my bedroom and the ceiling in the bathroom, but the third floor (the attic) is at the insulation-and-vapor barrier stage, so the whole thing needs to be drywalled and mudded, the third floor bathroom needs fixtures, tiling and finishing, the gas fireplace needs to be installed, the deck railings need to be put on, and the windows, which should have arrived three weeks ago, need to be installed.
The problem is that the house now has three functioning bedrooms on the second floor, all three are occupied (me, student and theatre person one) and I've got a 4th person (theatre person two) arriving in 10 days. Ever since I realized that the house wouldn't be finished in time I've intended to set up my bedroom (which is the space that was under construction on the second floor -- all my shit's still in boxes), put the second boarder from the theatre company in there, leave for 18 days and come back when the student had left.
But: the windows are now delayed and are arriving July 1, hopefully, and are going to be installed in the first week of July. That includes the windows in my bedroom. It's not just replacement: they're being enlarged, so the back wall will be cut open and a certain amount of finishing carpentry and drywalling will be done, which will mean putting a whole bunch of my shit back into boxes and piling up all the furniture so the workers have space to move. I can put up with this going on around me (I can go sleep on the couch for a night or two) but I don't feel comfortable asking a guest to do it.
I can still go travel for July, but that means being away for a LOT of the work and the person staying in my room will still be discommoded. I can go stay at a hotel locally, so I'll be around, but that's fucking expensive. Or I can ask the student to see if they can stay with friends for 18 days in July and put the second theatre person in their room. I'd then be able to stay in my room and deal with the construction until it was done or far enough along that I can leave town.
I feel badly about doing this -- the student hasn't done anything wrong -- but their internship is finished, so they no longer NEED to be within walking distance of campus. Basically, they're now on vacation and visiting with friends, and asking them to find another place to stay would solve the problem. I can't crap out on the theatre company: I'm on the board and I gave my word, and I want them to house people in the house next summer too.
What says Ask Mefi? Can you guys suggest another option? Am I being a total shit for thinking this way?
Do you have a friend you can stay with? That way the theater folks would be together and the student wouldn't have to couch surf for 2 1/2 weeks. If not I'd honestly bite the bullet and go hotel or airbnb or whatever. It seems to me that you are the one that overpromised a little based on assumptions about the renovations, if it were me I wouldn't feel right making my mistake into someone else's problem.
posted by axiom at 9:16 PM on June 20, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by axiom at 9:16 PM on June 20, 2019 [15 favorites]
It seems like what was going to be an easy, nice thing has turned into a rather untenable situation because of the delay in construction.
Can you ask around to see if someone else could put up one or more of the people? Perhaps other members of theatre board?
That said, you should let the guest know as soon as possible so that they can try to make other accommodations if possible (and if you are unable to alternative lodging).
(It’s quite possible they might not even want to stay in a house plagued by the noise and dust of ongoing construction)
posted by blueberry at 9:18 PM on June 20, 2019 [9 favorites]
Can you ask around to see if someone else could put up one or more of the people? Perhaps other members of theatre board?
That said, you should let the guest know as soon as possible so that they can try to make other accommodations if possible (and if you are unable to alternative lodging).
(It’s quite possible they might not even want to stay in a house plagued by the noise and dust of ongoing construction)
posted by blueberry at 9:18 PM on June 20, 2019 [9 favorites]
Wow, what a mess! Um... sounds like in your shoes, I'd just resort to camping on the couch myself. Might be annoying, but if you're not working, a little less sleep won't harm things too much, you'd still be on immediate hand for the renovation people (and any questions/problems that arise with the assortment of houseguests + your pets). And it'd make a good lesson to help you remember in the future why one shouldn't book guests unless you're absolutely certain that the place won't be under construction, lol.
posted by stormyteal at 9:21 PM on June 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by stormyteal at 9:21 PM on June 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
Yanking away a student's rent-free living situation on short notice could be catastrophic for them financially. I think this is a situation where you need to suck it up, unfortunately. Next time, assume that renovations will always take at least 25% as long as they say they will.
posted by praemunire at 9:27 PM on June 20, 2019 [22 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 9:27 PM on June 20, 2019 [22 favorites]
Is it likely the student could go back to living with the mutual friends now that they assumedly don’t need to be close to the school as much? Is the student planning to travel before returning home? A chat about their plans is in order tomorrow.
If someone has to go in a hotel, maybe it makes sense to make it the second theater person (financed by you) assuming they have transportation? But it doesn’t seem impossible that someone else could put them up for a couple weeks and it doesn’t seem like a horrible imposition to ask the other board members.
posted by momus_window at 9:35 PM on June 20, 2019 [11 favorites]
If someone has to go in a hotel, maybe it makes sense to make it the second theater person (financed by you) assuming they have transportation? But it doesn’t seem impossible that someone else could put them up for a couple weeks and it doesn’t seem like a horrible imposition to ask the other board members.
posted by momus_window at 9:35 PM on June 20, 2019 [11 favorites]
The student should have at least some of the rent money they weren't paying you. They can use that to get an AIRBNB or go back to their original situation that is less convenient. This is not horrible of you - obviously you didn't plan to have this renovation go wrong and now you need to pull back a bit and ask for flexibility from someone who is receiving a huge favour.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:41 PM on June 20, 2019 [18 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 9:41 PM on June 20, 2019 [18 favorites]
Something similar happened to me in graduate school, and resulted in me sleeping on the floor for a month and losing a lot of research time. It's why I unfortunately do not share my living space anymore with other academics.
Anyway, I think that this could probably be solved by a discussion with the student. Knowing if they have a potential place to stay, for example, could be very useful. They also have not paid any rent since February and so they may be able to afford to find a place to stay until July 18th, but having a discussion with them about what options they may or may not even have could be good. I would approach it as a problem that you have that you're wondering if they can help you try to solve in a way that won't put anyone out, and see what happens in the discussion.
Best of luck, and I'm sorry that this is happening during your sabbatical.
posted by sockermom at 9:44 PM on June 20, 2019 [7 favorites]
Anyway, I think that this could probably be solved by a discussion with the student. Knowing if they have a potential place to stay, for example, could be very useful. They also have not paid any rent since February and so they may be able to afford to find a place to stay until July 18th, but having a discussion with them about what options they may or may not even have could be good. I would approach it as a problem that you have that you're wondering if they can help you try to solve in a way that won't put anyone out, and see what happens in the discussion.
Best of luck, and I'm sorry that this is happening during your sabbatical.
posted by sockermom at 9:44 PM on June 20, 2019 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm working: just writing, not teaching.
No-one can share a room, alas. Genders and the fact that the theatre people are working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day make that impossible -- plus the fact that getting two queen sized beds into one room is pretty difficult.
I was going to ask if the student can return to the friends they were staying with before they moved in: they're not planning to travel, as they've already done that. But otherwise, I have a girlfriend who regularly rents out her basement suite and who currently doesn't have a tenant: I was going to ask her if she'd take the student, and I'd pay their bill. Her house is lovely, quiet and doesn't have constant construction going on, although it's a bit farther from the centre than mine.
The theatre people don't mind the construction: they knew it would be going on when they first arrived, although I didn't think it would be going on all summer. And they now know about it and are still okay.
posted by jrochest at 9:56 PM on June 20, 2019
No-one can share a room, alas. Genders and the fact that the theatre people are working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day make that impossible -- plus the fact that getting two queen sized beds into one room is pretty difficult.
I was going to ask if the student can return to the friends they were staying with before they moved in: they're not planning to travel, as they've already done that. But otherwise, I have a girlfriend who regularly rents out her basement suite and who currently doesn't have a tenant: I was going to ask her if she'd take the student, and I'd pay their bill. Her house is lovely, quiet and doesn't have constant construction going on, although it's a bit farther from the centre than mine.
The theatre people don't mind the construction: they knew it would be going on when they first arrived, although I didn't think it would be going on all summer. And they now know about it and are still okay.
posted by jrochest at 9:56 PM on June 20, 2019
I think if the student's internship is finished they could prob go back to staying with friends. I would have a chat with them and see if that is a possibility. Otherwise, your girlfriend's place sounds like a good solution.
posted by emd3737 at 9:58 PM on June 20, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 9:58 PM on June 20, 2019 [7 favorites]
Student and share a room. I would consider talking to the student, telling them how the construction is way behind schedule, and tell them that they are welcome to stay, you won't throw them out, but they will be sharing a room with you.
My guess is that the student will find another place.
Upon preview, your idea regarding gf basement is good or you stay with her.
posted by AugustWest at 10:00 PM on June 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
My guess is that the student will find another place.
Upon preview, your idea regarding gf basement is good or you stay with her.
posted by AugustWest at 10:00 PM on June 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
If it were me I'd try to find an alternate situation for the person who isn't there yet. It's ok if plans fall through due to unforeseen circumstances and that's not the same thing as flaking out, especially if you take it on yourself to find another plan. I would let the board know and see if someone else can put the person up or see if anyone else you know could do it.
posted by bleep at 10:18 PM on June 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by bleep at 10:18 PM on June 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
I’d talk to the group and see if they have another option for the theater person. It kinda sucks to live in a house with construction, and it would be a hassle for you to get your room ready for someone else. And you’ll still have to be at the house a lot. I think it would suck to kick out the foreign student for their last few weeks there. Presumably the theater person has a car and the student does not?
posted by bluedaisy at 10:24 PM on June 20, 2019
posted by bluedaisy at 10:24 PM on June 20, 2019
Can’t you stay with your girlfriend? Send yourself there instead of sending the student. If you or she don’t want to do a strict rental, take her out for some really nice dinners/events.
posted by quince at 10:42 PM on June 20, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by quince at 10:42 PM on June 20, 2019 [6 favorites]
The student has been living rent free off you for six months. They’re now on vacation so presumably they have a home ‘back home’ to go to. While I think what you’ve done for them is very generous, you are by no means obliged to continue it. You’re definitely not obliged to pay rent for them in another place so they can continue to have a holiday at your expense! They haven’t paid rent at all up until now, they should be good for it.
Yes, it’s not ideal but they’ve had a great run of it up until now. I would apologise, make some suggestions eg your girlfriend’s place but they should absolutely be expected to pay their own way. If they’re a decent person at all, they should thank you profusely for making their life as easy as you have up until this point. Now circumstances have made it impossible for the situation to continue and they’ll have to move on.
posted by Jubey at 11:39 PM on June 20, 2019 [36 favorites]
Yes, it’s not ideal but they’ve had a great run of it up until now. I would apologise, make some suggestions eg your girlfriend’s place but they should absolutely be expected to pay their own way. If they’re a decent person at all, they should thank you profusely for making their life as easy as you have up until this point. Now circumstances have made it impossible for the situation to continue and they’ll have to move on.
posted by Jubey at 11:39 PM on June 20, 2019 [36 favorites]
And thus my favourite phrase of the decade comes to mind again... No good deed goes unpunished.
As others have said, it's time for the student to put some of their (unused) rent budget toward renting somewhere other than your place.
posted by Thella at 12:17 AM on June 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
As others have said, it's time for the student to put some of their (unused) rent budget toward renting somewhere other than your place.
posted by Thella at 12:17 AM on June 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
the student was willing to pay rent, but I've never taken it from them because they've been living in a construction zone for the whole time they've been here. They've been here since February, and they're planning on staying until July 18th before flying home. They just told me, last night, that the internship is now finished.
You are not obligated to continue hosting this student. Attending meeting sof Al-Anon, the fellowship for friends and family of alcoholics, has taught me many things. One of the things it has taught me is that I am allowed to change my mind. That was a revelation. In typical black and white thinking, I was under the impression that if I made a plan, I was obligated to follow that plan no matter what. Particularly and especially if I had made promises to other people. Not true!
As it happens, things shift and change frequently in our lives. Sometimes we make offers, including generous and voluntary offers, that must be withdrawn when circumstances change. Every offer of hospitality and hosting that you made to each of your guests, including this student, was predicated on different circumstances. The construction that was supposed to be finished by now is not finished. That is not your fault, that is just how it is.
That you cannot continue to host the foreign student does not make you an asshole; on the contrary, you gave this student a generous gift of rent-free proximity to the student's now-completed internship. That is a wonderful gift, and asking the student to leave sooner than planned does not negate that gift.
I would sit down as soon as possible with the student and say something like, "I was hoping I could host you until you leave on July 18. That is no longer possible for me to do. Unfortunately, I need you to move out on June XX. Perhaps you can stay with your friends in TOWN. I am sorry for the short notice but my circumstances have changed. Please let me know if you need help to get your things to a bus station/train station/whatever when you leave on June XX."
Make sure the student understands what you need and the date they must move out. Contact the friend who originally asked for the favour of putting up the student and let that friend know what's up. I suggest you ask the student to leave a few days before July 1 so you get a tiny break from all these people.
Look, you have a good heart and have been super generous. It is not your fault that the construction stuff has dragged out so long. You are allowed to set boundaries and to change or withdraw an offer when life throws curveballs. You can choose to feel shitty about the change in plans or you can feel happy that you were able to be so generous for so long in hosting this particular student and glad that you are able, with some scrambling, to still accommodate the new person coming on July 1. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:01 AM on June 21, 2019 [23 favorites]
You are not obligated to continue hosting this student. Attending meeting sof Al-Anon, the fellowship for friends and family of alcoholics, has taught me many things. One of the things it has taught me is that I am allowed to change my mind. That was a revelation. In typical black and white thinking, I was under the impression that if I made a plan, I was obligated to follow that plan no matter what. Particularly and especially if I had made promises to other people. Not true!
As it happens, things shift and change frequently in our lives. Sometimes we make offers, including generous and voluntary offers, that must be withdrawn when circumstances change. Every offer of hospitality and hosting that you made to each of your guests, including this student, was predicated on different circumstances. The construction that was supposed to be finished by now is not finished. That is not your fault, that is just how it is.
That you cannot continue to host the foreign student does not make you an asshole; on the contrary, you gave this student a generous gift of rent-free proximity to the student's now-completed internship. That is a wonderful gift, and asking the student to leave sooner than planned does not negate that gift.
I would sit down as soon as possible with the student and say something like, "I was hoping I could host you until you leave on July 18. That is no longer possible for me to do. Unfortunately, I need you to move out on June XX. Perhaps you can stay with your friends in TOWN. I am sorry for the short notice but my circumstances have changed. Please let me know if you need help to get your things to a bus station/train station/whatever when you leave on June XX."
Make sure the student understands what you need and the date they must move out. Contact the friend who originally asked for the favour of putting up the student and let that friend know what's up. I suggest you ask the student to leave a few days before July 1 so you get a tiny break from all these people.
Look, you have a good heart and have been super generous. It is not your fault that the construction stuff has dragged out so long. You are allowed to set boundaries and to change or withdraw an offer when life throws curveballs. You can choose to feel shitty about the change in plans or you can feel happy that you were able to be so generous for so long in hosting this particular student and glad that you are able, with some scrambling, to still accommodate the new person coming on July 1. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:01 AM on June 21, 2019 [23 favorites]
But otherwise, I have a girlfriend who regularly rents out her basement suite and who currently doesn't have a tenant
If I were in your shoes, I would ask to stay here. What you did in promising housing to these workers and students was very nice and voluntary, but it was an agreement—they are relying on it. If there’s any arrangement that can keep you in town, not cost you too much, and not switch up housing on them at the last minute, that seems like the ideal path.
posted by sallybrown at 3:29 AM on June 21, 2019
If I were in your shoes, I would ask to stay here. What you did in promising housing to these workers and students was very nice and voluntary, but it was an agreement—they are relying on it. If there’s any arrangement that can keep you in town, not cost you too much, and not switch up housing on them at the last minute, that seems like the ideal path.
posted by sallybrown at 3:29 AM on June 21, 2019
Is it possible that the student could sleep on the couch? I think it’s fair to tell the student what has happened, that construction means that there won’t be four bedrooms available and you had already promised two of them, and do they have friends to stay with or they are welcome to stay but must sleep on the couch, or they can pay your girlfriend for use of her basement apartment.
posted by umwhat at 3:46 AM on June 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by umwhat at 3:46 AM on June 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
As someone who has been both a student and a theater person, having my own room with a queen sized bed is fucking luxury. If someone was putting me up, especially for free, I wouldn't even blink at being asked to share a room and bed or sleep on the sofa or even an airbed on the floor. Its only for a couple of weeks. Maybe they could even take turns on the sofa.
I would start by talking to the student, (I'm assuming here that the theatre people are of different genders and that's why they couldn't share the room). Explain the situation and give them the option of the sofa or sharing a room with one of the theater people. They may prefer to leave early and make other arrangements but this way you're not asking them to leave, just to share their space for a while
I would not assume that the student has all that money they didn't spend on rent just sitting in their bank account though.
posted by missmagenta at 3:46 AM on June 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
I would start by talking to the student, (I'm assuming here that the theatre people are of different genders and that's why they couldn't share the room). Explain the situation and give them the option of the sofa or sharing a room with one of the theater people. They may prefer to leave early and make other arrangements but this way you're not asking them to leave, just to share their space for a while
I would not assume that the student has all that money they didn't spend on rent just sitting in their bank account though.
posted by missmagenta at 3:46 AM on June 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
Speaking as someone with a theater employee currently asleep in my guest room, I would suggest offering your GF's basement to the second theater worker till the student is gone. They will not be shocked by the extra move, and it is the plan with the fewest shocks to people's systems. If you let the theater person know now that you're having construction problems BUT you've found the a great alternate space that's equally free and they can move into your house on X date, they will roll with it easily.
Not sure how transit works for them, but the festival will likely be able to help them out in ways that no one will help the student, as well.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:02 AM on June 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
Not sure how transit works for them, but the festival will likely be able to help them out in ways that no one will help the student, as well.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:02 AM on June 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
The friend who asked you to house the student - ask them to help the student find housing for the balance of their stay.
posted by theora55 at 6:34 AM on June 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 6:34 AM on June 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
At the foot of all of these suggestions, I will add that I am unclear why this is your problem to solve. Students are not children. Your tenant will be able to sleep on someone's couch, or find a room, or get an Airbnb.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:11 AM on June 21, 2019
posted by DarlingBri at 7:11 AM on June 21, 2019
What theora55 said. Ask the people in that theater group, too.
Also, for your own well-being and sanity, I’d suggest that you take advantage of your role as Owner, adopt a plan, and call the shots. That is, no house meetings to ask for ideas, or volunteers, &c. That’s madness.
In short:
1. Tell them they need to be out by [date].
2. Ask them to let you know when they’ve found a new place.
3. Ask your associates if they can help.
College students are adaptable, they have resources and usually lots of time. And nobody who lives rent-free expects it to last forever.
posted by doctor tough love at 7:15 AM on June 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
Also, for your own well-being and sanity, I’d suggest that you take advantage of your role as Owner, adopt a plan, and call the shots. That is, no house meetings to ask for ideas, or volunteers, &c. That’s madness.
In short:
1. Tell them they need to be out by [date].
2. Ask them to let you know when they’ve found a new place.
3. Ask your associates if they can help.
College students are adaptable, they have resources and usually lots of time. And nobody who lives rent-free expects it to last forever.
posted by doctor tough love at 7:15 AM on June 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
One thing the people who say "the foreign student has been living rent free, so they should have extra money" have failed to consider is that the student may have adjusted their spending on the assumption that they would have rent free housing for the promised duration- so the money they "saved" by not having rent might not exist anymore. Yes, letting them live rent free was very generous, but yanking the rug out from under them at short notice is inconsiderate. Rather than guessing, the best thing to do is ask them. It may be that they have convenient alternative housing options or saved the extra money they would have spent on rent and it will be no problem for them. It may be that they will have to really scramble to find a safe place to live. Best to know and then adjust your actions accordingly.
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 7:36 AM on June 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 7:36 AM on June 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
It is completely reasonable to TALK TO the foreign student and find out how flexible their plans are. Maybe they can move back to the place they had farther from campus and it's no problem. Maybe you'll end up smoothing things over by buying them a bus pass or something significantly cheaper than a hotel room but still thoughtful gesture, or maybe they'd be happy to do it anyway, knowing that you've been doing them a massive favor all this time. I can see why you'd be concerned over how rude it would be to kick somebody out, but it absolutely is not rude to start a "how can we solve this problem together" kind of conversation.
posted by aimedwander at 7:45 AM on June 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by aimedwander at 7:45 AM on June 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
If I were in your situation I would honor the agreements I made by doing one of these things in order of preference:
1. Make myself sleep on an air mattress on the floor in one of the unused rooms of my enormous house.
2. Ask my girlfriend if I can stay with her for the few days/weeks it takes for the renovations to complete or the exchange student to return home.
3. Ask another fellow faculty member or other friend to let me stay with them.
4. Pay for myself to stay somewhere else, and make sure I spent eight hours a day at my house to be available for construction consultations.
You have most of the power/money/living space here, and you set up this situation. I think you should be the one to fix it in one of the many ways you could. Yes, it will be inconvenient and uncomfortable for you for a few days, but that is what happens when you have friends and complications arise. No matter what, it will be over soon.
posted by seasparrow at 8:05 AM on June 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
1. Make myself sleep on an air mattress on the floor in one of the unused rooms of my enormous house.
2. Ask my girlfriend if I can stay with her for the few days/weeks it takes for the renovations to complete or the exchange student to return home.
3. Ask another fellow faculty member or other friend to let me stay with them.
4. Pay for myself to stay somewhere else, and make sure I spent eight hours a day at my house to be available for construction consultations.
You have most of the power/money/living space here, and you set up this situation. I think you should be the one to fix it in one of the many ways you could. Yes, it will be inconvenient and uncomfortable for you for a few days, but that is what happens when you have friends and complications arise. No matter what, it will be over soon.
posted by seasparrow at 8:05 AM on June 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
can't you toss an air mattress in the living room for 18 days? someone can stay on it or you can stay on it until the student leaves. i think you're way overblowing this. sure it won't be amazing, but it's still free lodging and i'm sure 1/3 people would be fine with it.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 8:18 AM on June 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by misanthropicsarah at 8:18 AM on June 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow -- loads of comments! Not threadsitting, just checking.
I think those people who are telling me to TALK to the student have the right idea: I've not done that yet but I need to have some sense of what I want before I do that. That's the advice I'll take the most, though.
1) I know the student isn't paying any rent but I'm still not willing to sling them out with 2 weeks notice: that's unkind and it's not like they're staying for more than 20 days, so it's not possible for them to rent anything but a hotel room, which is super expensive.
2) I have to take the theatre people: this housing is in part-compensation for their labor, and the company has shuttled and re-adjusted the billets that they have already, to give me until July 1, and really can't do much beyond that.
3) My friend just replied and told me that her current tenant is staying till mid-July -- ironically due to delays on the construction project HE'S working on. So that's a no-go.
4) The other rooms in my house are either full of furniture and stuff from the rooms being renoed or are construction zones. The foreman won't let anyone live in those and there's no place to put the living room furniture if I were to put a bed in that. Yippee.
I'm going to talk to the student: I now have no alternate housing to offer them, so I think I'll ask them if they can find another space and, if not, put them in my room -- which is the most disrupted and compromised of the three available bedrooms. And then I'll see what I can do.
By the way, I'm more on team "you don't owe the student a place to live" than team "you should move out yourself, you stupid selfish bitch, how dare you even think of disrupting the life of a person who deigns to live with you for free". But I've been in the student's position myself and I know how hairy it is to have to sleep on a friend's floor on a panic, and I'd like to spare them that!
posted by jrochest at 10:12 AM on June 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
I think those people who are telling me to TALK to the student have the right idea: I've not done that yet but I need to have some sense of what I want before I do that. That's the advice I'll take the most, though.
1) I know the student isn't paying any rent but I'm still not willing to sling them out with 2 weeks notice: that's unkind and it's not like they're staying for more than 20 days, so it's not possible for them to rent anything but a hotel room, which is super expensive.
2) I have to take the theatre people: this housing is in part-compensation for their labor, and the company has shuttled and re-adjusted the billets that they have already, to give me until July 1, and really can't do much beyond that.
3) My friend just replied and told me that her current tenant is staying till mid-July -- ironically due to delays on the construction project HE'S working on. So that's a no-go.
4) The other rooms in my house are either full of furniture and stuff from the rooms being renoed or are construction zones. The foreman won't let anyone live in those and there's no place to put the living room furniture if I were to put a bed in that. Yippee.
I'm going to talk to the student: I now have no alternate housing to offer them, so I think I'll ask them if they can find another space and, if not, put them in my room -- which is the most disrupted and compromised of the three available bedrooms. And then I'll see what I can do.
By the way, I'm more on team "you don't owe the student a place to live" than team "you should move out yourself, you stupid selfish bitch, how dare you even think of disrupting the life of a person who deigns to live with you for free". But I've been in the student's position myself and I know how hairy it is to have to sleep on a friend's floor on a panic, and I'd like to spare them that!
posted by jrochest at 10:12 AM on June 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
I didn't see you mention AirBnb but I would think they would be cheaper than a hotel, if it comes to that.
The foreign student was willing to pay rent to you and rather lived rent free for some months. Hopefully they saved some of that money that would have gone to rent. In any case, time for them to pony up on their living expenses and find a cheap place.
Can the University offer any cheap rooms for the summer?
Are there any hostels in your area?
I sincerely don't mean to sound like an asshole with this suggestion, but is it summer where you live? Is backyard camping an option? Maybe backyard glamping to make it more palatable?
But yeah, this comes down to sitting down with the relevant parties and letting them know what's what. Maybe they'll have some options in their back pocket that you aren't aware of.
posted by vignettist at 12:01 PM on June 21, 2019
The foreign student was willing to pay rent to you and rather lived rent free for some months. Hopefully they saved some of that money that would have gone to rent. In any case, time for them to pony up on their living expenses and find a cheap place.
Can the University offer any cheap rooms for the summer?
Are there any hostels in your area?
I sincerely don't mean to sound like an asshole with this suggestion, but is it summer where you live? Is backyard camping an option? Maybe backyard glamping to make it more palatable?
But yeah, this comes down to sitting down with the relevant parties and letting them know what's what. Maybe they'll have some options in their back pocket that you aren't aware of.
posted by vignettist at 12:01 PM on June 21, 2019
It sounds like you've got a lot of stuff in your house, but could you offer to store some of the student's stuff for a few weeks to make it easier for them to couch surf or travel? Even if they don't have much stuff, being able to store a suitcase or two at your house might make life a lot easier for them if they don't have a room.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:28 PM on June 21, 2019
posted by bluedaisy at 12:28 PM on June 21, 2019
I think the housing you provided Student is more of a favor than a commitment (whereas the housing for Theater People is a commitment) and it’s fair to say “Student, due to unforeseen circumstances, this favor will no longer be possible beginning July 1. Here are some resources for other options.” Along with talking to Student, I also think you should go back to the friend who first asked you (pretty last minute, if I read the timeline right) to host Student and have them help find alternate accommodations for the remaining vacation portion of their stay.
Also agreeing that if you have the space, it would be nice to offer to store some of Student’s things, so that if they end up doing some couch surfing it’s just with a bag or two.
posted by tan_coul at 12:40 PM on June 21, 2019
Also agreeing that if you have the space, it would be nice to offer to store some of Student’s things, so that if they end up doing some couch surfing it’s just with a bag or two.
posted by tan_coul at 12:40 PM on June 21, 2019
I suppose you could see what it would cost to rent a storage unit for living room furniture, also factoring in the labor and effort to pack/unpack it. Perhaps ask the student or theater company if anyone can chip in in some way? Just trying to think outside the box.
posted by sockermom at 12:48 PM on June 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by sockermom at 12:48 PM on June 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Is your relationship with your girlfriend not such that you can sleep with her for a couple weeks?
posted by Hal Mumkin at 7:12 AM on June 22, 2019
posted by Hal Mumkin at 7:12 AM on June 22, 2019
Response by poster: Hal Mumkin -- she's a friend, not a lover. And she's got a tenant until mid-July and by that time the student will be 3 days away from departure.
Student has been talked to, and although the language barrier makes clarification a bit hard, I think we have things reasonably cleared up; student will move out of the room they are in when the second theatre person arrives, and the theatre person will take that room. Student will then travel with friends for a week or so, I will travel when they get back and we will tag-team my bedroom during this time.
I will sleep on the couch for the time that we're both here, but student is also going to see if they can scare up a friend with a free spare bedroom. If not, it's a reasonably comfortable couch for a day or two (but not a month!!).
posted by jrochest at 1:22 PM on June 22, 2019 [6 favorites]
Student has been talked to, and although the language barrier makes clarification a bit hard, I think we have things reasonably cleared up; student will move out of the room they are in when the second theatre person arrives, and the theatre person will take that room. Student will then travel with friends for a week or so, I will travel when they get back and we will tag-team my bedroom during this time.
I will sleep on the couch for the time that we're both here, but student is also going to see if they can scare up a friend with a free spare bedroom. If not, it's a reasonably comfortable couch for a day or two (but not a month!!).
posted by jrochest at 1:22 PM on June 22, 2019 [6 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by musofire at 9:14 PM on June 20, 2019 [2 favorites]