Help me understand my dating life
May 19, 2019 9:33 PM Subscribe
For the past decade I've been afflicted with this pattern in my dating life: I'll date someone (usually a guy) for at most a couple months, then they'll either dump or ghost me, and then years later they'll text or email or message me, and it will usually be right after they've broken up with someone else. But they won't actually want to meet or get back together. They just contact me to say hi and tell me they broke up with someone and that they're feeling sad. Why do they do this? And why can't I seem to make my relationships last?
I know it's hard to assess much about an internet stranger. I'm wondering if anyone else has had this issue, or if it's common. If it helps to know, I'm female, queer, polyamorous. I make it a point not to date married people, or people who do the primary/secondary relationship structure. I'm just not compatible with it, or with straight up monogamy. I just want people to connect with and have long and meaningful relationships with, both emotionally and sexually. I try to be really straightforward about this on the first date, and I'll usually go on several dates after communicating all this, so I'm pretty sure that is not the catalyst for the break-up. Yet I seem to attract people who see me as some kind of spare tire or stepping stone, and I don't understand why so many different people have bugged me years after such brief, months-long connections.
I know it's hard to assess much about an internet stranger. I'm wondering if anyone else has had this issue, or if it's common. If it helps to know, I'm female, queer, polyamorous. I make it a point not to date married people, or people who do the primary/secondary relationship structure. I'm just not compatible with it, or with straight up monogamy. I just want people to connect with and have long and meaningful relationships with, both emotionally and sexually. I try to be really straightforward about this on the first date, and I'll usually go on several dates after communicating all this, so I'm pretty sure that is not the catalyst for the break-up. Yet I seem to attract people who see me as some kind of spare tire or stepping stone, and I don't understand why so many different people have bugged me years after such brief, months-long connections.
Maybe they're so broken hearted and friendless that they're just calling anybody and everybody they can think of, including you.
posted by serena15221 at 9:49 PM on May 19, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by serena15221 at 9:49 PM on May 19, 2019 [8 favorites]
This behavior is consistent with commitment-phobia and/or narcissistic personality traits.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 9:55 PM on May 19, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by sevensnowflakes at 9:55 PM on May 19, 2019 [9 favorites]
Because they are assuming that someone who did their emotional labor for them in their past will do it for them again at the drop of a hat. It’s a guy/girl trained behavior that even people with alternative relationship styles can’t always escape.
posted by matildaben at 10:00 PM on May 19, 2019 [38 favorites]
posted by matildaben at 10:00 PM on May 19, 2019 [38 favorites]
Are you sure they don’t want to meet? I think they’re trying to figure out if you’d be interested in getting together for something no-strings-attached. It’s not about you but about them going through a break-up and seeking out something to make them feel better, and maybe they (stupidly) misremember/misinterpret your feelings about monogamy as “she’s ok with something not serious.”
I would just ignore people like this. You have no obligation to try and ease their feelings about being dumped.
posted by sallybrown at 10:05 PM on May 19, 2019 [10 favorites]
I would just ignore people like this. You have no obligation to try and ease their feelings about being dumped.
posted by sallybrown at 10:05 PM on May 19, 2019 [10 favorites]
these are dumb useless men who want attention and since they remember successfully using you for it in the past they are hoping to continue that pattern now. some douche i hooked up with like 20 fucking years ago txted me today and i was like "lol no".
it's not you. it's men.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:07 PM on May 19, 2019 [45 favorites]
it's not you. it's men.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:07 PM on May 19, 2019 [45 favorites]
Response by poster: When you say they don't want to meet...do you mean that you invite them to get together and they ignore it, or what?
My general guess would be that these people are looking for hookups/booty calls (and maybe if you're inviting them to have coffee or see a movie or whatnot, they ignore it because they only want to hook up.)
If I ask them why they're contacting me, they'll just say they were saying hi. If I ask if they were looking for a hook-up, they say no they're just saying hi. If I ask if they wanted to meet again, they say no they're just saying hi. Sometimes they contact not after a break up but just for absolutely no reason, and it will always just be this very generic "just seeing how it's going" sort of thing, and I don't understand it and have just taken to ignoring them or blocking them if they do it more than once.
posted by picklenickle at 10:36 PM on May 19, 2019
My general guess would be that these people are looking for hookups/booty calls (and maybe if you're inviting them to have coffee or see a movie or whatnot, they ignore it because they only want to hook up.)
If I ask them why they're contacting me, they'll just say they were saying hi. If I ask if they were looking for a hook-up, they say no they're just saying hi. If I ask if they wanted to meet again, they say no they're just saying hi. Sometimes they contact not after a break up but just for absolutely no reason, and it will always just be this very generic "just seeing how it's going" sort of thing, and I don't understand it and have just taken to ignoring them or blocking them if they do it more than once.
posted by picklenickle at 10:36 PM on May 19, 2019
I think its normal to hear from these guys later on. It doesn't have anything to do with why you haven't had a longer relationship yet.
posted by catspajammies at 11:25 PM on May 19, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by catspajammies at 11:25 PM on May 19, 2019 [3 favorites]
They rejected you so they think they have the power to yank your string whenever they feel like they need your ego stroked and you’ll come running to make them feel better about being dumped or whatever. Just long enough for you to prop them up so they feel good enough to break up with you again and get back out here to find the person they actually want to be with. In short, you’re being used as relationship Advil.
Just so you know, the correct response when assholes like this text, is “Sorry, who is this? I’m out with my fiancé right now but I’ll get back to you later.” Subtext, not only are you completely forgettable but I’ve moved on permanently. Now get lost.
posted by Jubey at 11:29 PM on May 19, 2019 [18 favorites]
Just so you know, the correct response when assholes like this text, is “Sorry, who is this? I’m out with my fiancé right now but I’ll get back to you later.” Subtext, not only are you completely forgettable but I’ve moved on permanently. Now get lost.
posted by Jubey at 11:29 PM on May 19, 2019 [18 favorites]
You sound like someone who knows what she wants, and approaches life and love with an open heart. Dating is rough for everyone but extra hard for those of us who have put in the work. What I mean by that is a lot of people just aren't self-aware or they are but simply suck. People have written a lot of good takes on why these people, mostly guys, are reaching out this way: the dudes probably range from harmlessly-yet-annoyingly oblivious to wickedly awful narcissists. Again, this has nothing to do with why you're still single. Nearly all women deal with this, I believe.
Being a confident woman who's queer and poly makes you such a badass that draws people in -- with good reason -- but most people simply aren't at that level. Monogamous folks deal with this crap, too; the polyamory just adds more factors. I've dealt with this in both scenarios and it's funny at best and maddening at worst. Romantic relationships are hard for so many, and open relationships are just too complicated for many people, even those who would wish for them. Don't give up or internalize the bullshit! You sound awesome and someone who is equally awesome and a worthy match will recognize your worth and work to have a great relationship with you. Maybe soon, maybe far down the line. It's like the cheesy saying, "You've got to kiss a lot of frogs..." Well, yes and there are a lot of toads out there, too.
posted by smorgasbord at 12:27 AM on May 20, 2019 [8 favorites]
Being a confident woman who's queer and poly makes you such a badass that draws people in -- with good reason -- but most people simply aren't at that level. Monogamous folks deal with this crap, too; the polyamory just adds more factors. I've dealt with this in both scenarios and it's funny at best and maddening at worst. Romantic relationships are hard for so many, and open relationships are just too complicated for many people, even those who would wish for them. Don't give up or internalize the bullshit! You sound awesome and someone who is equally awesome and a worthy match will recognize your worth and work to have a great relationship with you. Maybe soon, maybe far down the line. It's like the cheesy saying, "You've got to kiss a lot of frogs..." Well, yes and there are a lot of toads out there, too.
posted by smorgasbord at 12:27 AM on May 20, 2019 [8 favorites]
Radical honesty, like the kind you employ to suss out whether partners could be interested in your queer poly ideal is probably to blame. I find a lot of the honesty can be misinterpreted as emotional maturity - which it may be. The hard part is not striving for pleasing people only because they (might) think you're mature enough to deal with their baggage.
Best idea may be to delete messages as they come in. You can never please these people.
posted by parmanparman at 1:30 AM on May 20, 2019
Best idea may be to delete messages as they come in. You can never please these people.
posted by parmanparman at 1:30 AM on May 20, 2019
They either want to meet up for sex (or are available for future sex) or they want to use you as a therapist/pity party. You don't have to do either.
posted by Crystalinne at 2:50 AM on May 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by Crystalinne at 2:50 AM on May 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
They don't want to get back together. What they want is to be told that you miss them, that you have always missed them, that someone out there in the world loves or desires them, but they do not want that person to actually be in a relationship with them. They just want to be wanted, in a vulnerable moment.
They're "just saying hi" because this fantasy only works if the ex you message volunteers this information. Especially if you dumped her, you're looking for the reassurance that you really were in control of that situation but that you could have still had her if you'd wanted to. That you dropped her because you could do better, but you could at least still have done at least that well. Some of these guys might accept hookups or even want to get back together if it was on offer, but again, suggesting this before the other party has said something removes the theoretical validation of doing this.
It is definitely not really about just saying hi. If you like and care about somebody, you keep in touch with them before the point where you're breaking up with somebody else.
posted by Sequence at 5:29 AM on May 20, 2019 [23 favorites]
They're "just saying hi" because this fantasy only works if the ex you message volunteers this information. Especially if you dumped her, you're looking for the reassurance that you really were in control of that situation but that you could have still had her if you'd wanted to. That you dropped her because you could do better, but you could at least still have done at least that well. Some of these guys might accept hookups or even want to get back together if it was on offer, but again, suggesting this before the other party has said something removes the theoretical validation of doing this.
It is definitely not really about just saying hi. If you like and care about somebody, you keep in touch with them before the point where you're breaking up with somebody else.
posted by Sequence at 5:29 AM on May 20, 2019 [23 favorites]
I've had a few narcissistic-in-retrospect guys who treated me horribly and felt guilty about it reach back out, but never actually arrange to meet up or anything like that (and if they did say they would, they were lying). It was never because they felt a duty toward me, but rather to assuage their own guilt. It was all very frustrating and humilitating, and I wish I never indulged any of it.
Also not to sound like an awful bigot, but some of the most selfish or socially clueless men I've ever met/dated recently have claimed to by poly -- and evidently have seen their polyness as a license to treat others as disposable objects, rather than just love more than one person simultatenously. So, I'm not exactly surprised by some of what you're describing. It really might just be them and not you.
posted by shaademaan at 5:34 AM on May 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
Also not to sound like an awful bigot, but some of the most selfish or socially clueless men I've ever met/dated recently have claimed to by poly -- and evidently have seen their polyness as a license to treat others as disposable objects, rather than just love more than one person simultatenously. So, I'm not exactly surprised by some of what you're describing. It really might just be them and not you.
posted by shaademaan at 5:34 AM on May 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
This seems like a question where everyone is going to project their own experience onto it. But my experience is that honestly, nonhierarchical polyamory attracts a certain percentage of dipshits. In some poly communities that percentage can be pretty high. These are people who say "I'm nonhierarchical" and mean "I feel like conventional relationship expectations require me to give as much as I get, and I don't want to do that." Or people who get told "I'm nonhierarchical" and hear "You can deprioritize me as much as you want, I've sworn off the right to complain, so feel free to just pay attention to me when you need attention back."
One thing this means is that you can't just have a conversation about what you both want and assume everyone's on the same page. You have to check for yourself, "If I set a small boundary will this person respect it?" "If I express a need that's inconvenient for them, will they honor it?" "If we both express needs with equal force, am I expected to be the one who gives in each time?" I know people who will just straight-up invent minor boundaries and minor needs so they can test this stuff on things with low stakes. You don't have to go that far, but, you know, it's a thing that people do.
I think some people avoid that stuff because it feels like game-playing. But it's a kind of trust-building that's built into the rituals of monogamous dating — where the trust is not just "I believe you'll take my 'no' as a 'no'" and other basic safety stuff like that, but also "I believe you care about my happiness even when there isn't any immediate benefit for you." And it turns out that when you ditch the rituals and the monogamy, the trust-building is still important, and you need to find alternative ways of doing it.
Having expectations of people you haven't built mutual trust with is great in principle. But in shitty actual practice, here in the shitty actual world we live in, it means getting let down a lot. You're allowed to deviate from the idealistic principle in order to take care of yourself.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:37 AM on May 20, 2019 [17 favorites]
One thing this means is that you can't just have a conversation about what you both want and assume everyone's on the same page. You have to check for yourself, "If I set a small boundary will this person respect it?" "If I express a need that's inconvenient for them, will they honor it?" "If we both express needs with equal force, am I expected to be the one who gives in each time?" I know people who will just straight-up invent minor boundaries and minor needs so they can test this stuff on things with low stakes. You don't have to go that far, but, you know, it's a thing that people do.
I think some people avoid that stuff because it feels like game-playing. But it's a kind of trust-building that's built into the rituals of monogamous dating — where the trust is not just "I believe you'll take my 'no' as a 'no'" and other basic safety stuff like that, but also "I believe you care about my happiness even when there isn't any immediate benefit for you." And it turns out that when you ditch the rituals and the monogamy, the trust-building is still important, and you need to find alternative ways of doing it.
Having expectations of people you haven't built mutual trust with is great in principle. But in shitty actual practice, here in the shitty actual world we live in, it means getting let down a lot. You're allowed to deviate from the idealistic principle in order to take care of yourself.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:37 AM on May 20, 2019 [17 favorites]
...want people to connect with and have long and meaningful relationships with, both emotionally...
I'm going to be the contrarian I am, and wonder out loud: what if you are simply succeeding in cultivating emotional meaning into these shorter-term relationships, enough that these ex-partners still consider their relationship with you to be meaningful emotionally, so they reach out for support when they're suffering?
Over the years I have been fortunate to have relationships with wonderful people whom I genuinely respect and admire, even though we didn't work out as relationship partners, and over the years some of them have reached out in rare moments when they needed support.
They haven't asked for anything other than a few moments of my time, and I'm happy to listen, because they didn't stop being good people just because we stopped dating. If this is someone I once sincerely partnered with to see if we might spend the rest of our lives together, I'm happy to be someone they can turn to in a moment of need.
This is in contrast to people I know or have known (usually not having any romantic relationship context between us) who demand a great deal of emotional support without giving any in return; that can be stressful or even toxic and (speaking for myself here) requires firm boundary setting.
Rephrased: if they're reaching out rarely for a moment of support from another human being they were once connected to, without asking for anything else, maybe you aren't doing anything wrong and are simply a good person who inspires emotional connections with people that linger long past the relationship sell-by date...but if you're feeling burdened or unhappy about their reaching out, you're still a good person if you set boundaries or refuse to engage.
posted by davejay at 7:31 AM on May 20, 2019 [8 favorites]
I'm going to be the contrarian I am, and wonder out loud: what if you are simply succeeding in cultivating emotional meaning into these shorter-term relationships, enough that these ex-partners still consider their relationship with you to be meaningful emotionally, so they reach out for support when they're suffering?
Over the years I have been fortunate to have relationships with wonderful people whom I genuinely respect and admire, even though we didn't work out as relationship partners, and over the years some of them have reached out in rare moments when they needed support.
They haven't asked for anything other than a few moments of my time, and I'm happy to listen, because they didn't stop being good people just because we stopped dating. If this is someone I once sincerely partnered with to see if we might spend the rest of our lives together, I'm happy to be someone they can turn to in a moment of need.
This is in contrast to people I know or have known (usually not having any romantic relationship context between us) who demand a great deal of emotional support without giving any in return; that can be stressful or even toxic and (speaking for myself here) requires firm boundary setting.
Rephrased: if they're reaching out rarely for a moment of support from another human being they were once connected to, without asking for anything else, maybe you aren't doing anything wrong and are simply a good person who inspires emotional connections with people that linger long past the relationship sell-by date...but if you're feeling burdened or unhappy about their reaching out, you're still a good person if you set boundaries or refuse to engage.
posted by davejay at 7:31 AM on May 20, 2019 [8 favorites]
RE relationships not lasting: as others have said, I've also found this to be particularly endemic in poly communities. Some of it is the commitment-phobia of some people attracted to poly, some is their greater tendency to consider themselves "free spirits," some is that the people who do it well often have full dance cards already because they've found people they've stuck with. ("The good ones are taken" is a thing in nonmonogamous relationships because time is a limited resource even if they're technically free to date.)
Also, I'm in an area where very few people practice non-hierarchical poly, so I'm stuck with introducing the concept to most of the people I date. They go along with it but usually also break up relatively quickly; sometimes because they realize that they prefer to control their partners' outside relationships, sometimes because my nonmonogamy leads them to believe that I'm unable to commit to them (no matter how I explain that's not true) or that I'm nothing more than a disposable fuckbuddy.
I wonder if it might help to take more of a relationship anarchist perspective and reduce distinctions between dating and friendship. Maybe it's not relevant because you already have a good community of close friends (if so, yay; and I'm jealous!), but if you don't, focusing on building that to fulfill more of your needs with less likelihood of breakups could help. Not only will it improve your life on its own, but it could lead to connections that develop into romantic connections more naturally, which would reduce the frustrations of people popping in and out of your life.
posted by metasarah at 8:35 AM on May 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
Also, I'm in an area where very few people practice non-hierarchical poly, so I'm stuck with introducing the concept to most of the people I date. They go along with it but usually also break up relatively quickly; sometimes because they realize that they prefer to control their partners' outside relationships, sometimes because my nonmonogamy leads them to believe that I'm unable to commit to them (no matter how I explain that's not true) or that I'm nothing more than a disposable fuckbuddy.
I wonder if it might help to take more of a relationship anarchist perspective and reduce distinctions between dating and friendship. Maybe it's not relevant because you already have a good community of close friends (if so, yay; and I'm jealous!), but if you don't, focusing on building that to fulfill more of your needs with less likelihood of breakups could help. Not only will it improve your life on its own, but it could lead to connections that develop into romantic connections more naturally, which would reduce the frustrations of people popping in and out of your life.
posted by metasarah at 8:35 AM on May 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
> Because they are assuming that someone who did their emotional labor for them in their past will do it for them again at the drop of a hat. It’s a guy/girl trained behavior that even people with alternative relationship styles can’t always escape.
Seriously? The majority of relationships that haven't worked for me have ended on good terms. My partner and I still hang out with some of my (and her) exes and their current SOs, especially those that are a part of either of our broader social circles. I'm not polly, and neither are any of the people I've dated in the past. If you recognize that you're not going to work as a couple, that doesn't mean that the good parts of your relationship somehow magically evaporate unless your relationship was fundamentally codependent and extractive to begin with. Like everyone else, I like to think that I'm special or whatever, but I'm pretty certain that I'm not. If you're a well-adjusted adult with a healthy sense of self-worth and the ability to empathize, it's natural to still want to keep in touch with people who were once an important part of your life.
posted by cirgue at 8:41 AM on May 20, 2019
Seriously? The majority of relationships that haven't worked for me have ended on good terms. My partner and I still hang out with some of my (and her) exes and their current SOs, especially those that are a part of either of our broader social circles. I'm not polly, and neither are any of the people I've dated in the past. If you recognize that you're not going to work as a couple, that doesn't mean that the good parts of your relationship somehow magically evaporate unless your relationship was fundamentally codependent and extractive to begin with. Like everyone else, I like to think that I'm special or whatever, but I'm pretty certain that I'm not. If you're a well-adjusted adult with a healthy sense of self-worth and the ability to empathize, it's natural to still want to keep in touch with people who were once an important part of your life.
posted by cirgue at 8:41 AM on May 20, 2019
why can't I seem to make my relationships last?
I make it a point not to date... people who do the primary/secondary relationship structure. I'm just not compatible with it, or with straight up monogamy. I just want people to connect with and have long and meaningful relationships with, both emotionally and sexually
I'm guessing this is why you aren't finding your relationships to last. An emotional and sexual connection is really a bare minimum of even casual and fwb type relationships, its really setting a minimal and low bar for both yourself and others. Hell I even know people who require more of their hookups than this. Even poly people tend to eventually pair down to primaries with more relationship wants, needs and goals in mind. There are so many more factors that need to be present between 2 people in order for a long term relationship to be successful. If you're straight up stating these things are what you offer and want in return from the beginning, then you're likely largely giving off the impression that you're not really looking for much in the way of substance, intimacy, compatibility, other types of connections, or anything truly long lasting. Then to add to those minimal investments and requirements, its being spread out over multiple people you're involved with. I think you really need to get a lot more specific with your wants, needs, goals and requirements in your relationships, with what you can offer of yourself and what the other person can offer to building and maintaining a rewarding relationship, if you want them to be long lasting.
posted by OnefortheLast at 11:10 AM on May 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
I make it a point not to date... people who do the primary/secondary relationship structure. I'm just not compatible with it, or with straight up monogamy. I just want people to connect with and have long and meaningful relationships with, both emotionally and sexually
I'm guessing this is why you aren't finding your relationships to last. An emotional and sexual connection is really a bare minimum of even casual and fwb type relationships, its really setting a minimal and low bar for both yourself and others. Hell I even know people who require more of their hookups than this. Even poly people tend to eventually pair down to primaries with more relationship wants, needs and goals in mind. There are so many more factors that need to be present between 2 people in order for a long term relationship to be successful. If you're straight up stating these things are what you offer and want in return from the beginning, then you're likely largely giving off the impression that you're not really looking for much in the way of substance, intimacy, compatibility, other types of connections, or anything truly long lasting. Then to add to those minimal investments and requirements, its being spread out over multiple people you're involved with. I think you really need to get a lot more specific with your wants, needs, goals and requirements in your relationships, with what you can offer of yourself and what the other person can offer to building and maintaining a rewarding relationship, if you want them to be long lasting.
posted by OnefortheLast at 11:10 AM on May 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: There are so many more factors that need to be present between 2 people in order for a long term relationship to be successful.
Could you give a specific example of what you mean? I obviously say much more to my dates than just "i want an emotional connection," but i didn't think it was practical to transcribe everything in the post. I didn't want a wall of text happening. I know it's hard to get a feel for people over the internet. Anyway if you could give me some examples of what you mean then I can think about whether I've communicated those things.
posted by picklenickle at 1:17 PM on May 20, 2019
Could you give a specific example of what you mean? I obviously say much more to my dates than just "i want an emotional connection," but i didn't think it was practical to transcribe everything in the post. I didn't want a wall of text happening. I know it's hard to get a feel for people over the internet. Anyway if you could give me some examples of what you mean then I can think about whether I've communicated those things.
posted by picklenickle at 1:17 PM on May 20, 2019
Yet I seem to attract people who see me as some kind of spare tire or stepping stone, and I don't understand why so many different people have bugged me years after such brief, months-long connections.
You are reading too much into a person who just broke up and is panicking. Folks do this all of the time and it has nothing to do with you.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:16 PM on May 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
You are reading too much into a person who just broke up and is panicking. Folks do this all of the time and it has nothing to do with you.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:16 PM on May 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
I’d bet there are several reasons why your exes do this, probably more a matter of human nature than any innate shitheadedness. One reason might be that they aren’t (or their new SO isn’t) comfortable talking to you while in the middle of their current relationship. But when that relationship ends - you get a call.
posted by doctor tough love at 3:56 PM on May 20, 2019
posted by doctor tough love at 3:56 PM on May 20, 2019
Lots of guys do this. I'd say 95% of my ex's have done this. They are mostly all fine people- it's just an annoying thing a lot of guys do.
I don't think they are "looking for sex" - I think they are looking for hugs. A lot of men don't have close friends to emotionally lean on so they default to the last woman who served that social role in their life. I'm grossly generalizing, but it's my own working theory. You can offer them support or not, but they are 100% using you for your emotional support.
posted by KMoney at 6:23 PM on May 20, 2019 [7 favorites]
I don't think they are "looking for sex" - I think they are looking for hugs. A lot of men don't have close friends to emotionally lean on so they default to the last woman who served that social role in their life. I'm grossly generalizing, but it's my own working theory. You can offer them support or not, but they are 100% using you for your emotional support.
posted by KMoney at 6:23 PM on May 20, 2019 [7 favorites]
When you are contacted again, ask yourself:
- Is this going to be something that will satisfy me?
If the answer is no, you can't please this person. Odds are, they are not really emotionally invested in a dual-satisfaction vision either. Best to not respond.
posted by parmanparman at 5:47 AM on May 21, 2019
- Is this going to be something that will satisfy me?
If the answer is no, you can't please this person. Odds are, they are not really emotionally invested in a dual-satisfaction vision either. Best to not respond.
posted by parmanparman at 5:47 AM on May 21, 2019
I had an ex- (that similarly had ghosted me) drop me an email like this. It was about two years later, she was living in another state, and it was the only contact she had made since then. I was pretty sure she had just been dumped and wanted a familiar “safe space” and/or someone to do emotional labor.
At first I was just pissed. I remember her email mentioned she had never apologized and then she immediately followed that with “I apologize!” written in all caps as if that meant anything.
But after ruminating for a day or two, I took her annoyingly entitled email as an opportunity to reply with my own honest reply—saying basically “You know, while I would’ve actually appreciated some sort of explanatory email like this two years ago, receiving it now is more akin to historical trivia. You’re not a bad person, but you chose to treat me badly. If I ever happen to see you on the street I’ll probably wave and smile, but we are not really ‘friends’.”
It was cathartic and I think it let her know that I was not going be her therapist.
posted by blueberry at 11:49 PM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
At first I was just pissed. I remember her email mentioned she had never apologized and then she immediately followed that with “I apologize!” written in all caps as if that meant anything.
But after ruminating for a day or two, I took her annoyingly entitled email as an opportunity to reply with my own honest reply—saying basically “You know, while I would’ve actually appreciated some sort of explanatory email like this two years ago, receiving it now is more akin to historical trivia. You’re not a bad person, but you chose to treat me badly. If I ever happen to see you on the street I’ll probably wave and smile, but we are not really ‘friends’.”
It was cathartic and I think it let her know that I was not going be her therapist.
posted by blueberry at 11:49 PM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
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My general guess would be that these people are looking for hookups/booty calls (and maybe if you're inviting them to have coffee or see a movie or whatnot, they ignore it because they only want to hook up.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:45 PM on May 19, 2019 [2 favorites]