Wedding vs. Home?
May 18, 2019 2:29 PM Subscribe
My fiance and I are dipping our toes into wedding-planning right now and neither of us is particularly excited about the idea of spending $10,000 on a wedding when we haven't yet purchased our own home. We bounced around the idea of working toward buying a home over the next year rather than planning a wedding and then maybe throwing a small "wedding" party after we've purchased a house. What thoughts do you have about this idea?
We are both in our early 30s, gainfully employed in a small US city, and have no children. For the most part, our families are not in the financial position to help with a wedding, so we would be financing the wedding on our own. We both have some savings, and the thought of using that savings toward a wedding and then needing to spend time building up our savings to buy a home after the wedding feels a bit depressing. I've spoken with several of my friends who have had weddings in our city over the last couple of years and no one was able to do their wedding for less than $7000 (and we have big families that we're both close to). Where we live, $7000 is pretty close to a decent down payment for a home.
I guess another option is buying a home, saving money for a wedding, and then having a wedding in a few years, but that doesn't sound particularly appealing.
I'm looking for ideas and advice from folks who have been in a similar situation to us. What did you do? What would you do?
We are both in our early 30s, gainfully employed in a small US city, and have no children. For the most part, our families are not in the financial position to help with a wedding, so we would be financing the wedding on our own. We both have some savings, and the thought of using that savings toward a wedding and then needing to spend time building up our savings to buy a home after the wedding feels a bit depressing. I've spoken with several of my friends who have had weddings in our city over the last couple of years and no one was able to do their wedding for less than $7000 (and we have big families that we're both close to). Where we live, $7000 is pretty close to a decent down payment for a home.
I guess another option is buying a home, saving money for a wedding, and then having a wedding in a few years, but that doesn't sound particularly appealing.
I'm looking for ideas and advice from folks who have been in a similar situation to us. What did you do? What would you do?
Get married at City Hall in nice but not purpose-bought clothing with just immediate family present and a small dinner afterwards. If you're being particularly frugal, that would only cost you a few hundred dollars (more if you get pro hair/makeup or photographer, but still under $1000 for sure if you're in an area where $7000 is nearly a down payment). Throw a big party after you've bought the house.
This works best if most of your friends/family are close by. People probably wouldn't travel for a housewarming party the way they would for a wedding.
This also relies on no parents or grandparents being fanatic about "having a PROPER wedding."
I feel that wedding ceremonies are good things to put money into if you care about them. Otherwise they're just compulsory consumerism.
posted by praemunire at 2:37 PM on May 18, 2019 [9 favorites]
This works best if most of your friends/family are close by. People probably wouldn't travel for a housewarming party the way they would for a wedding.
This also relies on no parents or grandparents being fanatic about "having a PROPER wedding."
I feel that wedding ceremonies are good things to put money into if you care about them. Otherwise they're just compulsory consumerism.
posted by praemunire at 2:37 PM on May 18, 2019 [9 favorites]
The wedding is a DAY. The house is your FUTURE. Which would you rather spend the money on?
posted by bookmammal at 2:39 PM on May 18, 2019 [27 favorites]
posted by bookmammal at 2:39 PM on May 18, 2019 [27 favorites]
We bought a house and then had a wedding in our back yard.
posted by Obscure Reference at 2:43 PM on May 18, 2019 [32 favorites]
posted by Obscure Reference at 2:43 PM on May 18, 2019 [32 favorites]
We had an absolutely amazing immediate-family-only wedding. It wasn't an elopement, but it was 10 guests. We did it in an outdoor garden that cost ~$50 for a permit and of course then we didn't need flowers. We paid for an officiant but could have had a friend do it. I spent ~$250 on a gorgeous dress. We paid a few hundred for a photographer and the pictures are gorgeous. Because the wedding was small my family was kind enough to pay for us all to eat, but we just went to a restaurant with a prix-fixe menu, we didn't get custom catering or anything. It was perfect and exactly what we wanted and was cheap. YMMV, of course, but "no ridiculous wedding that we invite everyone to" is not the same thing as "no wedding".
posted by brainmouse at 2:45 PM on May 18, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 2:45 PM on May 18, 2019 [12 favorites]
For me, definitely the house. Imagining sitting there in an apartment or whatever for years staring at the walls I can't even paint while I pet my wedding album to try to feel better about having spent seven grand on one single day instead of using it as a down payment isn't just a bit depressing, in my opinion.
but ironing out all of the legal details of purchasing a house with someone you aren’t married to will cost several grand. The law knows how to handle married couples.
This is a valid point. However, a friend of mine just did it for under a grand without getting married. They worked with a lawyer who used to help same-sex couples before those marriages were legally recognized, so it wasn't novel work on the attorney's side, and the couple talked through the interpersonal aspects themselves off the clock. A city hall wedding would have been cheaper, sure, but not that much cheaper if waiting on marriage (or not getting married, in their case) is important to you.
posted by teremala at 2:45 PM on May 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
but ironing out all of the legal details of purchasing a house with someone you aren’t married to will cost several grand. The law knows how to handle married couples.
This is a valid point. However, a friend of mine just did it for under a grand without getting married. They worked with a lawyer who used to help same-sex couples before those marriages were legally recognized, so it wasn't novel work on the attorney's side, and the couple talked through the interpersonal aspects themselves off the clock. A city hall wedding would have been cheaper, sure, but not that much cheaper if waiting on marriage (or not getting married, in their case) is important to you.
posted by teremala at 2:45 PM on May 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
You can probably have a brief ceremony and heck of a party for a hundred people for just 1-2k. That’s roughly what I did in a family member’s house/yard; it was great.
posted by SaltySalticid at 2:45 PM on May 18, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by SaltySalticid at 2:45 PM on May 18, 2019 [6 favorites]
I would vote house, 100%. Beyond that, do whatever is important to you. If it's that you are legally married, do the actual marriage without all the trimmings. If it's a wedding celebration with family/friends, have a big summer bbq (you could even make it a potluck). If it's a wedding with all the bells & whistles, wait awhile & then do that. I wouldn't worry too much about what other people want you to do, even close family, beyond some minor compromises. Do it the way that feels right and special for you.
posted by DTMFA at 2:47 PM on May 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by DTMFA at 2:47 PM on May 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
House + City Hall wedding ASAP + later party that's a combination of housewarming & wedding celebration. This sounds like an absolutely lovely and smart idea, and if you were my friend of relative, I would be thrilled for you.
posted by BlahLaLa at 3:04 PM on May 18, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 3:04 PM on May 18, 2019 [12 favorites]
Many people who didn't have the doubts you do about paying for their wedding later regret paying so much. What seemed worthwhile beforehand often is less valuable in hindsight. If you're already questioning whether it's worth it, then it absolutely is not worth it. You have those doubts because it's not clear that the value of a $10k wedding is greater than the value of a $10k down payment to you right now. And the value of the $10k wedding probably won't get any larger for you after the fact; it will probably shrink.
You will be much happier spending that money on something else.
posted by whatnotever at 3:08 PM on May 18, 2019 [9 favorites]
You will be much happier spending that money on something else.
posted by whatnotever at 3:08 PM on May 18, 2019 [9 favorites]
A friend held her wedding in their (not so big!) back yard for about 60 people. They had a good truck come in after the ceremony and had TJ’s wine and beer. They got a bunch of decorations from some office mates who had held their wedding the month before. Some twinkly lights across the backyard and it was beautiful. While I love dancing and big weddings theirs was one of my most favorite because you could just FEEL all the love there.
Perhaps something like that is a middle ground for you?
posted by raccoon409 at 3:11 PM on May 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
Perhaps something like that is a middle ground for you?
posted by raccoon409 at 3:11 PM on May 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
We bought a house and then got married in our living room with a few close friends after work one night. We had pizza. It was delightful! We hope to have a bigger ceremony when the time is right. I have zero regrets on spending the money on a house first.
posted by pazazygeek at 3:31 PM on May 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by pazazygeek at 3:31 PM on May 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
Team House here. Elope or do a City Hall wedding, buy the house (it will be easier, legally, as a married couple) then have a combination wedding/housewarming for your nearest and dearest.
Everyone I know who has had a small or City Hall or elopement wedding, and splashed out on something they'd rather have instead (like a luxury honeymoon or buying a house/condo) has had no regrets. Go forth and home thyselves.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 3:31 PM on May 18, 2019 [6 favorites]
Everyone I know who has had a small or City Hall or elopement wedding, and splashed out on something they'd rather have instead (like a luxury honeymoon or buying a house/condo) has had no regrets. Go forth and home thyselves.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 3:31 PM on May 18, 2019 [6 favorites]
I’m of the opinion that your real friends
A) will find joy in seeing you get married, and
B) don’t mind if it’s not fancy.
posted by ftm at 3:38 PM on May 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
A) will find joy in seeing you get married, and
B) don’t mind if it’s not fancy.
posted by ftm at 3:38 PM on May 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
Weddings don't have to cost $10K, and in fact most weddings DO NOT cost anywhere near that - just the ones in the magazines.
Our wedding was held at my mother's house, we had 22 guests, and we spent about $900 (including my dress and a $250 cake).
Without knowing where you live it is hard to give you options, but think about it in terms of planning a big party (maybe a milestone birthday) vs. a wedding. Rent an inexpensive hall, or hold it at a home or park. Dress up slightly. Ask around and I bet you'll find a friend who is a notary or otherwise hold the proper credentials to marry you. Celebrate a nice day with your family and closest friends. It is the ritual of standing up in front of people and committing to each other that holds meaning for most people, not the plated dinner.
posted by anastasiav at 3:45 PM on May 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
Our wedding was held at my mother's house, we had 22 guests, and we spent about $900 (including my dress and a $250 cake).
Without knowing where you live it is hard to give you options, but think about it in terms of planning a big party (maybe a milestone birthday) vs. a wedding. Rent an inexpensive hall, or hold it at a home or park. Dress up slightly. Ask around and I bet you'll find a friend who is a notary or otherwise hold the proper credentials to marry you. Celebrate a nice day with your family and closest friends. It is the ritual of standing up in front of people and committing to each other that holds meaning for most people, not the plated dinner.
posted by anastasiav at 3:45 PM on May 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
House! You can always host a celebration after whether it’s at your new house or at a park or whatever. Don’t sacrifice buying a home for a one-day party. It’s the marriage and focusing on your life together that matters. The wedding, even a great one, doesn’t rank above those things. Congratulations!
posted by quince at 3:55 PM on May 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by quince at 3:55 PM on May 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
My wife and I had a wonderful wedding on a tight budget. We rented out the neighborhood movie theater, showed a Bugs Bunny cartoon (the one where Bugs and Elmer get married at the end), had a quick civil ceremony followed by a simple reception with finger foods, some of which were made by relatives. Our friend was the photographer, and another friend made a wedding cake (of sorts) out of cupcakes. We had about 50 or 60 guests, and we encouraged them to come in movie-themed outfits. I believe the whole thing cost about $1,000, and everyone seemed to enjoy it.
posted by alex1965 at 4:29 PM on May 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by alex1965 at 4:29 PM on May 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
We got married in my mother in law's back yard in front of immediate family. A couple hours after that we had friends and family over for a potluck bbq.
We didn’t tell family until six weeks before and we didn’t tell friends until two weeks before. That way no one had time to persuade us to do a fancy wedding.
Only thing that sucked: having to clean up after the party - you don’t want to be wrestling heavy trash bags on your wedding day.
I think if I had to do it again, I’d do it in a picnic pavilion at a park. I have a specific one in mind that has a great playground.
posted by sciencegeek at 5:12 PM on May 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
We didn’t tell family until six weeks before and we didn’t tell friends until two weeks before. That way no one had time to persuade us to do a fancy wedding.
Only thing that sucked: having to clean up after the party - you don’t want to be wrestling heavy trash bags on your wedding day.
I think if I had to do it again, I’d do it in a picnic pavilion at a park. I have a specific one in mind that has a great playground.
posted by sciencegeek at 5:12 PM on May 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
My parents went for the house. They got married at a City Hall as two young Filipino immigrants. Afterwards, I believe they treated everyone out to Chinese food. +41 years and counting.
posted by invisible ink at 5:13 PM on May 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by invisible ink at 5:13 PM on May 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
I got married in the courthouse with immediate family. With EVERYTHING (rings,dress, etc) it was around $1K. Actual marriage stuff was under $75. I wouldn’t have done it any other way even if I was a millionaire. A single day isn’t worth it. Your marriage and a home to live in is more than an expensive party.
posted by Crystalinne at 5:18 PM on May 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by Crystalinne at 5:18 PM on May 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
We did the city hall marriage with two friends from college as our witnesses. Then we brought our confirming information to the university housing office, moved our stuff into Married Student Apartments, and proceeded to have a pizza. No stressed-out brides that night!
And 38 years later we still have the same house, where we raised our two daughters. We paid 20 per cent down, used a fixed (i.e., non-variable) amortization schedule (check #001 for full payment, check #002 to #020 for interest payments, never miss a payment, go to the bank each month in person, no balloon-type schedules), and paid off a 30-year loan in seven years and four months.
There is freedom in being out of debt. And fewer arguments.
Team House all the way.
posted by TrishaU at 6:00 PM on May 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
And 38 years later we still have the same house, where we raised our two daughters. We paid 20 per cent down, used a fixed (i.e., non-variable) amortization schedule (check #001 for full payment, check #002 to #020 for interest payments, never miss a payment, go to the bank each month in person, no balloon-type schedules), and paid off a 30-year loan in seven years and four months.
There is freedom in being out of debt. And fewer arguments.
Team House all the way.
posted by TrishaU at 6:00 PM on May 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
It depends on what you value, and you seem to be leaning heavily towards the house. I would be too; I got married for $50 and I’m pretty sure we were just as happy as the couples that spend $10k.
posted by sugarbomb at 6:04 PM on May 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by sugarbomb at 6:04 PM on May 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
+1 to sciencegeek. I HIGHLY recommend the short "engagement" because it greatly reduces the amount of pressure from others on how your wedding needs to be perfect.
I also recommend the house.
We paid for our own wedding; including travel/hotel/rental car for us (and my brother because he lived across the country at the time), clothes/shoes for me, hair/nails/makeup for me, rings, paperwork, officiant - maaaaaybe $3K? We'd already planned the vacation and just added the wedding part to it and invited our immediate families for the ceremony in the courthouse park. His parents covered the photographer; mine covered lunch; everybody brought flowers and bubbles; my sister arranged a cake from her baking/catering company. A traditional wedding was not important to us.
Then we received a significant financial gift from my parents - apparently they'd been saving for us to have a "big" wedding - and they gave it to us, no strings attached. A few years later, we used that money as part of a down payment on our house.
ZERO regrets.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 6:18 PM on May 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
I also recommend the house.
We paid for our own wedding; including travel/hotel/rental car for us (and my brother because he lived across the country at the time), clothes/shoes for me, hair/nails/makeup for me, rings, paperwork, officiant - maaaaaybe $3K? We'd already planned the vacation and just added the wedding part to it and invited our immediate families for the ceremony in the courthouse park. His parents covered the photographer; mine covered lunch; everybody brought flowers and bubbles; my sister arranged a cake from her baking/catering company. A traditional wedding was not important to us.
Then we received a significant financial gift from my parents - apparently they'd been saving for us to have a "big" wedding - and they gave it to us, no strings attached. A few years later, we used that money as part of a down payment on our house.
ZERO regrets.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 6:18 PM on May 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
This is what my parents did and they also have zero regrets.
posted by Hermione Granger at 6:43 PM on May 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Hermione Granger at 6:43 PM on May 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
MeFi has always disproportionately to me seemed heavy on the “We held our wedding in my grandmother’s basement. Each guest received one banana for lunch and we passed around a jug of milk. It was the greatest day of our lives” types so you’re going to mostly get advice in that vein. Where I live $10K would be such a vanishingly small amount towards a down payment that I wouldn’t really compare the two, but obviously that isn’t the case everywhere. If you think that paying a lot of money for a wedding will bother you down the line then definitely don’t do it and throw a party later. Weddings definitely aren’t worth going into debt over, but It’s also a pretty special and memorable thing. It’s definitely not true that everyone regrets having a regular kinda costly wedding. What do you value most? If you’re super eager to buy a house soon and that money will make the difference in when you can do it, it sounds like that’s the best decision for you.
posted by cakelite at 7:00 PM on May 18, 2019 [30 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 7:00 PM on May 18, 2019 [30 favorites]
We had some financial support from our parents for our wedding, but we also were saving for a down payment while wedding planning. It’s tough, and living in a high COL area, both weddings and down payments are... pricy. We did debate between
1) elopement - we decided against this, because our family would have been really disappointed and frankly you really only get all your friends together at once for two days: your wedding, and your funeral
2) smaller wedding around $15k - we debated hard about this, but ultimately decided we wanted to have everyone we wanted there, not just family+a few friends
3) medium size $30k wedding - what we ultimately pursued. Granted, $30k is pretty average for a wedding here, maybe even low. During the planning phase, I hated it. But I really genuinely did love our wedding. I have a lot of good memories and it truly is a spectacular feeling to have everyone you love from different parts of your life, all in one place, all at one time, all excited and happy for you. And, my husband and I got married - amazing.
4) medium-size fancier wedding (less diy, less painful planning process, higher end result) $60k - we decided against this, feeling it was exorbitant. $30k already felt ridiculous during the planning, and it seemed like there wasn’t much incremental value to be gained from a higher end wedding.
We ended up buying our house about 1 year after we got married (we did our 1-year anniversary toast in our new backyard, on our only 2 chairs in the house!). I have no regrets at all about how we planned things. Of course your situation may vary, but we used that first honeymoon year to just enjoy our new lives together as a married couple, before transitioning to full-on responsible-for-the-water-heater homeowners. It worked really well for us.
posted by samthemander at 7:48 PM on May 18, 2019
1) elopement - we decided against this, because our family would have been really disappointed and frankly you really only get all your friends together at once for two days: your wedding, and your funeral
2) smaller wedding around $15k - we debated hard about this, but ultimately decided we wanted to have everyone we wanted there, not just family+a few friends
3) medium size $30k wedding - what we ultimately pursued. Granted, $30k is pretty average for a wedding here, maybe even low. During the planning phase, I hated it. But I really genuinely did love our wedding. I have a lot of good memories and it truly is a spectacular feeling to have everyone you love from different parts of your life, all in one place, all at one time, all excited and happy for you. And, my husband and I got married - amazing.
4) medium-size fancier wedding (less diy, less painful planning process, higher end result) $60k - we decided against this, feeling it was exorbitant. $30k already felt ridiculous during the planning, and it seemed like there wasn’t much incremental value to be gained from a higher end wedding.
We ended up buying our house about 1 year after we got married (we did our 1-year anniversary toast in our new backyard, on our only 2 chairs in the house!). I have no regrets at all about how we planned things. Of course your situation may vary, but we used that first honeymoon year to just enjoy our new lives together as a married couple, before transitioning to full-on responsible-for-the-water-heater homeowners. It worked really well for us.
posted by samthemander at 7:48 PM on May 18, 2019
I wanted to add, only for perspective: we spent about half as much on our wedding as we did on our down payment. That ratio feels about right to me.
posted by samthemander at 7:49 PM on May 18, 2019
posted by samthemander at 7:49 PM on May 18, 2019
I don't know your full financial picture, but Mrs Molerats and I saved about 5k for a wedding over 2ish years while having student loans and okay-but-not-great salaries, just anecdotally. We're still renters, so individual values on rent vs. buy are so different, but if I went back in time I'd still do the wedding even if it meant waiting a few more years before hypothetically buying a house.
I was never a person who spent a ton of time planning or dreaming about my wedding, but it was just perfect and being able to close my eyes and go right back to so many tiny moments is priceless to me.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:12 PM on May 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
I was never a person who spent a ton of time planning or dreaming about my wedding, but it was just perfect and being able to close my eyes and go right back to so many tiny moments is priceless to me.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:12 PM on May 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
Mr. Blue and I had a $10,000 wedding. It was lovely. We remember it happily, our family members and friends likewise. We did this after really thinking about what was important to us - and to our 'stake holders'. In our case, we both come from formerly huge now dwindling families. We realized it was likely to be the last wedding some people would get to celebrate together (which ended up being true) because, especially on my side, no one else was going to be of an age to marry for well over a decade. So that expense was worth it to us, specifically for that reason. We were careful to spend on only the priorities (like, my stepmom really wanted good cake, but no one cared about lots of fancy flowers so we skipped that.) I have no regrets whatever (well, okay, I might have spent more on my dress, and definitely would have had the bridesmaids just pick whatever they liked instead of going matchy-matchy). About six years later, we were able to buy a house with the help of generous family. It would have been probably 12 years if we had to save enough on our own.
So my answer to your question is to check your priorities. If what you want is to be married (which is an entirely different desire than 'to have a wedding') then have a potluck in the church hall and my blessings on your new house. If this will be a problem for anyone else you love, have a conversation with them about why they need you have a big wedding and see if you can find a happy mid ground.
posted by AliceBlue at 8:16 PM on May 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
So my answer to your question is to check your priorities. If what you want is to be married (which is an entirely different desire than 'to have a wedding') then have a potluck in the church hall and my blessings on your new house. If this will be a problem for anyone else you love, have a conversation with them about why they need you have a big wedding and see if you can find a happy mid ground.
posted by AliceBlue at 8:16 PM on May 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
We bought a house about 6 years ago after being happily monogamously unmarried for over 15 years.
Nothing about buying the house ever presented an issue. Buy the house! Worry about the marriage later if you still really feel the need. Or shoot, do the courthouse marriage thing, and then have a giant party at your new house which represents a sane investment. You can have a hell of a party for the price of renting a wedding venue.
posted by aspersioncast at 8:20 PM on May 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
Nothing about buying the house ever presented an issue. Buy the house! Worry about the marriage later if you still really feel the need. Or shoot, do the courthouse marriage thing, and then have a giant party at your new house which represents a sane investment. You can have a hell of a party for the price of renting a wedding venue.
posted by aspersioncast at 8:20 PM on May 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
My husband and I got married at City Hall, but dressed up (rental suit, off-the-rack dress) and had a friend/witness take pictures. For our 10th anniversary, we had a big anniversary party.
I would have regretted if I didn't get a nice picture of us all dressed up because you don't realize how infrequently a couple gets someone else to take a nice picture of them dressed up, I have zero regrets and, for us, home ownership was a good investment.
I have friends that have had huge weddings, however, and have zero regrets about that as well.
IMHO, how you get married is no indicator of the success of a marriage. Who you allow to influence that decision and how you make that decision certainly is.
Resentments, whether over a big wedding that never happened or an extravagant wedding that put you in a financial hole, will destroy a relationship. This is a great test of the two of you being totally honest, taking each other's needs into account, and truly not falling prey to societal or larger family pressure trumping the needs of you two. (There is a lot of pressure to buy a house, too, so it's not one way or the other.)
So really, have a deep conversation, maybe with wine, without the input of family, friends, "shoulds" or MeFi, about what really matters to you both and do the thing that you'll both be proud of 10 or 20 years from now. And won't be a "well, *I* wanted to do X, but you had to have your house/wedding" in a fight when you're tired and hungry and an airline loses your luggage and someone's searching for couple's fight ammo.
posted by Gucky at 8:51 PM on May 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
I would have regretted if I didn't get a nice picture of us all dressed up because you don't realize how infrequently a couple gets someone else to take a nice picture of them dressed up, I have zero regrets and, for us, home ownership was a good investment.
I have friends that have had huge weddings, however, and have zero regrets about that as well.
IMHO, how you get married is no indicator of the success of a marriage. Who you allow to influence that decision and how you make that decision certainly is.
Resentments, whether over a big wedding that never happened or an extravagant wedding that put you in a financial hole, will destroy a relationship. This is a great test of the two of you being totally honest, taking each other's needs into account, and truly not falling prey to societal or larger family pressure trumping the needs of you two. (There is a lot of pressure to buy a house, too, so it's not one way or the other.)
So really, have a deep conversation, maybe with wine, without the input of family, friends, "shoulds" or MeFi, about what really matters to you both and do the thing that you'll both be proud of 10 or 20 years from now. And won't be a "well, *I* wanted to do X, but you had to have your house/wedding" in a fight when you're tired and hungry and an airline loses your luggage and someone's searching for couple's fight ammo.
posted by Gucky at 8:51 PM on May 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
Mr. Wasp and I wanted to throw a really big party to celebrate our marriage. For us that meant that we had a wedding ceremony at a historic church near our city and a reception for 120 people at a fun, unique location that was special to us. Our parents helped us a bit, but we paid for just about everything. What this meant was that we rented for almost two more years before buying a house this winter.
This was the right decision for us in so many ways. Having all of our friends and family in one place to celebrate our love and new life together was priceless. Our pictures make me happy every time I see them. My vows to my little step-daughter cemented our relationship even further.
Some big things: we were happy renters, I love planning big events, and our families love weddings. These factors made our decision fairly easy. A courthouse wedding, destination event, or elopement would not have worked for us. Remember, though, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can have a small wedding and buy a house. You can change up your timeline or decide to elope. It's all on the table. The really important part is that you get to wake up each day next to your best friend. That's the very best thing of all.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 9:15 PM on May 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
This was the right decision for us in so many ways. Having all of our friends and family in one place to celebrate our love and new life together was priceless. Our pictures make me happy every time I see them. My vows to my little step-daughter cemented our relationship even further.
Some big things: we were happy renters, I love planning big events, and our families love weddings. These factors made our decision fairly easy. A courthouse wedding, destination event, or elopement would not have worked for us. Remember, though, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can have a small wedding and buy a house. You can change up your timeline or decide to elope. It's all on the table. The really important part is that you get to wake up each day next to your best friend. That's the very best thing of all.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 9:15 PM on May 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
One other thing: the privileges associated with marriage and the purchase of a home are real. It was a lot less about how we felt than about how others (realtors, lenders, even our seller) treated us more positively since we were married. It seemed really unfair and undeserved.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 9:45 PM on May 18, 2019
posted by WaspEnterprises at 9:45 PM on May 18, 2019
House, house, house!
And we had no trouble doing it as two unmarried people.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 11:51 PM on May 18, 2019
And we had no trouble doing it as two unmarried people.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 11:51 PM on May 18, 2019
neither of us is particularly excited about the idea of spending $10,000
the thought of using that savings toward a wedding and then needing to spend time building up our savings to buy a home after the wedding feels a bit depressing.
Sometimes the Best Answer is already in the question.
As you can see from the answers here, some people love and value and find meaning in treating their family and friends at a big, fancy wedding. Others love and value and find meaning in owning their home instead of renting it. (And some truly care about both, and some neither.)
But what you are not seeing in the comments is people saying "I didn't feel excited about having a big wedding, in fact the thought of spending the money that way instead of saving for something I cared about more depressed me, but I felt like social rules forced me to have the big wedding, and I sure was glad I did!" Nope- that's not how it works. You value what you value and your friends and family want you to be happy and follow your values more than they want to eat chicken and dance to "Hey Ya" with you, great dancers though I'm sure you are.
posted by escabeche at 4:14 AM on May 19, 2019 [9 favorites]
the thought of using that savings toward a wedding and then needing to spend time building up our savings to buy a home after the wedding feels a bit depressing.
Sometimes the Best Answer is already in the question.
As you can see from the answers here, some people love and value and find meaning in treating their family and friends at a big, fancy wedding. Others love and value and find meaning in owning their home instead of renting it. (And some truly care about both, and some neither.)
But what you are not seeing in the comments is people saying "I didn't feel excited about having a big wedding, in fact the thought of spending the money that way instead of saving for something I cared about more depressed me, but I felt like social rules forced me to have the big wedding, and I sure was glad I did!" Nope- that's not how it works. You value what you value and your friends and family want you to be happy and follow your values more than they want to eat chicken and dance to "Hey Ya" with you, great dancers though I'm sure you are.
posted by escabeche at 4:14 AM on May 19, 2019 [9 favorites]
We bought a house first, and then a couple of years later we're getting married. As it turned out, we had the money to do both but if I had to do it again I would definitely prioritise the house. We didn't decide to get married until a year after we bought the house, and that felt good for us and we've been able to have the wedding we want without rushing or compromising unduly because we know how much money is available and we're happy with what we spent to buy the house.
posted by plonkee at 7:35 AM on May 19, 2019
posted by plonkee at 7:35 AM on May 19, 2019
My parents had a small ceremony in the local church with a few family members present, and were happy together until my father passed away many decades later. My mother still lives in the second house they ever bought, the first being a very ramshackle place that they quickly sold to my dad's sister, who lived in it for decades until moving into an assisted living facility.
Meanwhile, my ex-wife and I had the choice of a family member paying for a lavish wedding or for a house down payment, and we went with the wedding. Within a few years we'd wished we used it for a house down payment, and while we are now divorced, I still live in the house we eventually bought and we are both happy to have a share in it, and to be able to have our kids grow up in it (albeit half the time.)
The point being: the size and cost of your wedding may not predict the success of your marriage, but the right house can be your family's home, however your family ends up being defined.
posted by davejay at 6:52 AM on May 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Meanwhile, my ex-wife and I had the choice of a family member paying for a lavish wedding or for a house down payment, and we went with the wedding. Within a few years we'd wished we used it for a house down payment, and while we are now divorced, I still live in the house we eventually bought and we are both happy to have a share in it, and to be able to have our kids grow up in it (albeit half the time.)
The point being: the size and cost of your wedding may not predict the success of your marriage, but the right house can be your family's home, however your family ends up being defined.
posted by davejay at 6:52 AM on May 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I personally would do the following:
—Elope with AT MOST parents and siblings present
—Buy a house!!!
—Throw a five year anniversary party that kicks ass. Maybe in the backyard of your new kickass house :)
posted by suncages at 2:37 PM on May 18, 2019 [67 favorites]