Books that will help me explain gender theory to an eleven year-old
May 4, 2019 12:10 PM Subscribe
My friend's kid is going through a comprehensive sex ed class, and she's really having issues with her first confrontation with the idea of gendered expectations. Any suggestions as to any books I can give her that might help that would be appropriate for an eleven year-old?
This is a kid who doesn't like the idea of anyone telling anyone what to do, so the idea that people might perform their gender in ways that are determined by society is really not sitting well with her. She's decided that liking pink is sexist, but from listening to her it's partially she doesn't know if she likes pink because society tells her she should like pink, or if she would like pink anyway - and that's really bothering her. Her mom has asked me for some help with course correction, but most of what I can think of that wrestles with that question and internalized misogyny are aimed at an older audience. I'm working on writing something explaining gender as kind of like choosing your hogwarts house, but I'm not a professional and am a little worried about screwing it up.
In the meantime, she has plenty of access to nonpink and non-stereotypically girly things, but she's upset because she thinks she can't like the things she likes without it being wrong.
She sounds sure that she's a girl, but I'm not necessarily ruling gender dysphoria as a cause.
In the past I've given her books like The Prince and The Dressmaker and Lumberjanes, and she's loved them. She's also at the age where she doesn't quite trust parental (or parental-adjacent) authority but trusts books a lot more. Her parents are fairly permissive when it comes to content.
This is a kid who doesn't like the idea of anyone telling anyone what to do, so the idea that people might perform their gender in ways that are determined by society is really not sitting well with her. She's decided that liking pink is sexist, but from listening to her it's partially she doesn't know if she likes pink because society tells her she should like pink, or if she would like pink anyway - and that's really bothering her. Her mom has asked me for some help with course correction, but most of what I can think of that wrestles with that question and internalized misogyny are aimed at an older audience. I'm working on writing something explaining gender as kind of like choosing your hogwarts house, but I'm not a professional and am a little worried about screwing it up.
In the meantime, she has plenty of access to nonpink and non-stereotypically girly things, but she's upset because she thinks she can't like the things she likes without it being wrong.
She sounds sure that she's a girl, but I'm not necessarily ruling gender dysphoria as a cause.
In the past I've given her books like The Prince and The Dressmaker and Lumberjanes, and she's loved them. She's also at the age where she doesn't quite trust parental (or parental-adjacent) authority but trusts books a lot more. Her parents are fairly permissive when it comes to content.
She also officially has the Internet's permission to react to anybody who tries to tell her that she's performing her own gender in some way wrong by saying "bless your heart" while thinking "oh fuck off".
posted by flabdablet at 1:10 PM on May 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by flabdablet at 1:10 PM on May 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Tell her that pink used to be for boys and blue for girls, and she can read it about it here. For an 11 year old the takeaway is that pink is not codified as a color for girls in any deep way, but is the result of a few generations of consumer culture. She can like pink and still reject lots of normative girly things without it being dysphoric.
And liking pink, whatever your assigned at birth sex designation, does not mean you are "really" a girl. Not liking pink does not mean you aren't really a girl.
Pink is a color that for less than 100 years has been linked to girls products. The end.
posted by nantucket at 2:20 PM on May 4, 2019 [8 favorites]
And liking pink, whatever your assigned at birth sex designation, does not mean you are "really" a girl. Not liking pink does not mean you aren't really a girl.
Pink is a color that for less than 100 years has been linked to girls products. The end.
posted by nantucket at 2:20 PM on May 4, 2019 [8 favorites]
It's not sexist to enjoy pink as someone who identifies as a girl/woman/femme. It is sexist for people or society or companies to PUSH pink onto girls/women/femmes as the only option or charge more for pink items. It's not wrong to enjoy anything, regardless of your internal gender, how you express your gender, or how society views or genders items/activities.
I would look into things that talk about gender expression versus internal gender and how things are coded certain ways when in reality it has no meaning. Color doesn't have a gender. Video games don't have a gender.
I wish I had one option for you. It's something I've learned through many sources over years. But I do want to say I'm glad you're looking into this because I had a moment of trying to reject "girly" things to try to "fit in with the boys" so I could play "boy things" like video games. Because there were strict gender expressions in my youth. Luckily we are moving away from that. I learned I am very clearly a cis woman who loves pink, frills, or all black. And I can still play video games and adore makeup and none of it says anything about my gender. (Here's a quick list of books that talk about gender expression but that does seem geared toward understanding your internal gender. Here's more.)
posted by Crystalinne at 2:54 PM on May 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
I would look into things that talk about gender expression versus internal gender and how things are coded certain ways when in reality it has no meaning. Color doesn't have a gender. Video games don't have a gender.
I wish I had one option for you. It's something I've learned through many sources over years. But I do want to say I'm glad you're looking into this because I had a moment of trying to reject "girly" things to try to "fit in with the boys" so I could play "boy things" like video games. Because there were strict gender expressions in my youth. Luckily we are moving away from that. I learned I am very clearly a cis woman who loves pink, frills, or all black. And I can still play video games and adore makeup and none of it says anything about my gender. (Here's a quick list of books that talk about gender expression but that does seem geared toward understanding your internal gender. Here's more.)
posted by Crystalinne at 2:54 PM on May 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
This may be a little advanced but I literally JUST finished reading it a few minutes ago so I'll take that as a cosmic sign to recommend it: A Quick & Easy Guide to Queer & Trans Identities.
It's a cute illustrated guide to identity that's very positive and inclusive but may be a little too much for an 11-year-old (discussions of sexual attraction, asexuality etc). However I don't know the kid so maybe it's right up their alley. And maybe it's worth having on the shelf for if and when that conversation should happen.
On the more all-ages front:
Witch Boy is a supernatural tale where spells and witchery take the place of gender expectations (as I understand it) and it has close parallels to coming out and gender identity.
Norroway has a swashbuckling no-nonsense femme as a hero who wears pink and blue and armor.
My nephew also loved Nimona, which as I recall was pretty non-stereotypical as far as gender roles.
And if your friend's kid doesn't like them, maybe you will! :D
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 3:34 PM on May 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
It's a cute illustrated guide to identity that's very positive and inclusive but may be a little too much for an 11-year-old (discussions of sexual attraction, asexuality etc). However I don't know the kid so maybe it's right up their alley. And maybe it's worth having on the shelf for if and when that conversation should happen.
On the more all-ages front:
Witch Boy is a supernatural tale where spells and witchery take the place of gender expectations (as I understand it) and it has close parallels to coming out and gender identity.
Norroway has a swashbuckling no-nonsense femme as a hero who wears pink and blue and armor.
My nephew also loved Nimona, which as I recall was pretty non-stereotypical as far as gender roles.
And if your friend's kid doesn't like them, maybe you will! :D
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 3:34 PM on May 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
Sex is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg is an inclusive sex-ed type book that addresses gender and sexuality for ages 8-10ish. It may be a helpful companion for comprehensive sex-ed in other ways too. My kid who Likes Lumberjanes found it helpful and engaging a couple years ago when he was nine.
posted by ElizaMain at 5:55 AM on May 5, 2019
posted by ElizaMain at 5:55 AM on May 5, 2019
Flamingo Rampant might have some ideas, they're an org that supports the kind of books you're after.
posted by divabat at 6:07 AM on May 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by divabat at 6:07 AM on May 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
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posted by flabdablet at 1:07 PM on May 4, 2019