Overthinking or Etiquette Conundrum?
May 2, 2019 12:25 PM Subscribe
Etiquette question. Can I show up to this graduation party without a gift? Should I attend at all?
My son's very good friend is having a high school graduation party tonight. I was invited via text by one of the parents.
It's an open house sort of thing, although they rented out a hall.
This party actually has two guests of honor --two high school seniors. Both are friends of my son. They run in the same group and are together often. One friend is closer than the other. One friend is going off to college with my son. They will probably be roommates. Both sets of parents of these two kids are close friends and have known each other for years, and I guess they are killing two birds with one stone by hosting a party together.
My son has to work tonight and unfortunately cannot attend.
I am casual friends with these parents. I have been out one time with one of the set of parents and they expressed how much fun they had with my husband and I, so I invited them to an event sans kids that takes place tomorrow night. They are all nice people. I like them but I wasn't planning on attending this graduation party. I feel somewhat obligated because 1. Close friends of my son and 2. I invited them to a thing tomorrow night.
I wasn't planning on attending because:
1. Gifts are expected and customary at graduation parties. My son is having a family party only so I planned on not feeling obligated to attend outside parties.
2. I know one kid better than the other. If I show up with one gift it would be rude because party is held in tandem.
3. I did not RSVP. Regardless, if I made a brief appearance to say hello and abstained from eating or drinking food it would be fine.
Bottom line is I don't want to be obligated to bring two gifts. I would give cash. I am being cheap I suppose. Is there any way I can attend without bringing a gift or should I stay home? What is the right thing to do?
My son's very good friend is having a high school graduation party tonight. I was invited via text by one of the parents.
It's an open house sort of thing, although they rented out a hall.
This party actually has two guests of honor --two high school seniors. Both are friends of my son. They run in the same group and are together often. One friend is closer than the other. One friend is going off to college with my son. They will probably be roommates. Both sets of parents of these two kids are close friends and have known each other for years, and I guess they are killing two birds with one stone by hosting a party together.
My son has to work tonight and unfortunately cannot attend.
I am casual friends with these parents. I have been out one time with one of the set of parents and they expressed how much fun they had with my husband and I, so I invited them to an event sans kids that takes place tomorrow night. They are all nice people. I like them but I wasn't planning on attending this graduation party. I feel somewhat obligated because 1. Close friends of my son and 2. I invited them to a thing tomorrow night.
I wasn't planning on attending because:
1. Gifts are expected and customary at graduation parties. My son is having a family party only so I planned on not feeling obligated to attend outside parties.
2. I know one kid better than the other. If I show up with one gift it would be rude because party is held in tandem.
3. I did not RSVP. Regardless, if I made a brief appearance to say hello and abstained from eating or drinking food it would be fine.
Bottom line is I don't want to be obligated to bring two gifts. I would give cash. I am being cheap I suppose. Is there any way I can attend without bringing a gift or should I stay home? What is the right thing to do?
I would say this all feels overcomplicated. You were invited. If you attend, bring a gift, however small. This could be a simple card with a $10 gift card in to something a college student can use. The quality/degree of relationship doesn't need to be weighed with such precision. It's a small thing. You're showing support to a friend of your son's, and you'd want to others to recognize his accomplishment and be generous in your shoes.
If you didn't plan to fulfill the role of party guest - eat, drink, be fun, bring whatever's expected - then just decline. It's a busy season, they'll understand.
posted by Miko at 12:30 PM on May 2, 2019 [17 favorites]
If you didn't plan to fulfill the role of party guest - eat, drink, be fun, bring whatever's expected - then just decline. It's a busy season, they'll understand.
posted by Miko at 12:30 PM on May 2, 2019 [17 favorites]
Regional/cultural habits probably matter but I’d say swing by for 15 with no gift and say that you can only stay a minute because you have to go to XYZ.
On preview- give them each a $10 Taco Bell cards
posted by raccoon409 at 12:35 PM on May 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
On preview- give them each a $10 Taco Bell cards
posted by raccoon409 at 12:35 PM on May 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
Just walk in, say hello, hang out, eat a bit, have a drink, and then say your goodbyes.
Nobody will ever notice that you didn't bring a gift.
I mean, I'm pretty sure at least five people do this at every single wedding or graduation that has ever happened.
posted by bondcliff at 12:38 PM on May 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
Nobody will ever notice that you didn't bring a gift.
I mean, I'm pretty sure at least five people do this at every single wedding or graduation that has ever happened.
posted by bondcliff at 12:38 PM on May 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
I'd like to think that people making the effort to attend a party is more important than if they bring gifts (anyone can bring a gift, but only you can offer the gift of your time), but I know different people, communities and cultures have different norms.
In some cultures, these invitations are more for a chance to gather and celebrate, with gifts coming from closer contacts and those who can afford something.
But if this is all making you anxious, treat yourself right and skip it.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:44 PM on May 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
In some cultures, these invitations are more for a chance to gather and celebrate, with gifts coming from closer contacts and those who can afford something.
But if this is all making you anxious, treat yourself right and skip it.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:44 PM on May 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't worry about the gift. My son had a joint graduation party and no one knew/cared who got what.
posted by jraz at 1:16 PM on May 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by jraz at 1:16 PM on May 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
Gifts are expected and customary at graduation parties.
That's the 100% case in my sphere too, and recalling the HS grad parties I've been invited to over the past few years, if there is an invitation, expectation to RSVP, and a rented venue there will likely be thank you cards, and if there are thank you cards, then somebody is keeping track of who gave what.
If you don't want to give 2 gifts, don't go, and give the kid you know better cash in a card at a later date.
posted by kimberussell at 1:34 PM on May 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
That's the 100% case in my sphere too, and recalling the HS grad parties I've been invited to over the past few years, if there is an invitation, expectation to RSVP, and a rented venue there will likely be thank you cards, and if there are thank you cards, then somebody is keeping track of who gave what.
If you don't want to give 2 gifts, don't go, and give the kid you know better cash in a card at a later date.
posted by kimberussell at 1:34 PM on May 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you AskMe.
Yes, I tend to overthink these sorts of things.
Two gifts, more generosity. Life is short.
Thank you for helping me.
posted by loveandhappiness at 1:37 PM on May 2, 2019 [10 favorites]
Yes, I tend to overthink these sorts of things.
Two gifts, more generosity. Life is short.
Thank you for helping me.
posted by loveandhappiness at 1:37 PM on May 2, 2019 [10 favorites]
Take a small gift for each (a Taco Bell gift card is fine). Drop off your younger son, chat for a few minutes, go.
You'll rarely regret showing up for people's special occasions.
posted by praemunire at 2:02 PM on May 2, 2019 [7 favorites]
You'll rarely regret showing up for people's special occasions.
posted by praemunire at 2:02 PM on May 2, 2019 [7 favorites]
In lieu of cash I'm a fan of Amazon gift cards. Everyone loves Amazon gift cards (and they can be sold on eBay for like 95% of their value).
I think the answer is in the part you didn't speak to. You explained about the kid you don't want to gift, but not so much about the kid you do.
Would it mean anything to the latter if you showed up or not? If not, don't. If so, do, and bring gift cards for both. I'd say $20 minimum, less if you're outside a major metro area and/or are known to be living tightly (if you have a decent job and you're in a major city, better make it $25). You might get away with making one a $10 card and the other $20 or $25. If you give them key codes to type into Amazon (rather than a physical card), they'd have no way of knowing the value until they key in the code. I'm being a bit vague; I did this once and did find there's a way to give an amazon card without having value be conspicuous, can't remember details.
posted by Quisp Lover at 4:22 PM on May 2, 2019
I think the answer is in the part you didn't speak to. You explained about the kid you don't want to gift, but not so much about the kid you do.
Would it mean anything to the latter if you showed up or not? If not, don't. If so, do, and bring gift cards for both. I'd say $20 minimum, less if you're outside a major metro area and/or are known to be living tightly (if you have a decent job and you're in a major city, better make it $25). You might get away with making one a $10 card and the other $20 or $25. If you give them key codes to type into Amazon (rather than a physical card), they'd have no way of knowing the value until they key in the code. I'm being a bit vague; I did this once and did find there's a way to give an amazon card without having value be conspicuous, can't remember details.
posted by Quisp Lover at 4:22 PM on May 2, 2019
As Miss Manners keeps reminding people, gifts are optional, not obligatory.
Go if you think the parents/kids would be pleased to see you, but please don't feel obliged to bring a gift.
posted by Murderbot at 11:25 PM on May 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
Go if you think the parents/kids would be pleased to see you, but please don't feel obliged to bring a gift.
posted by Murderbot at 11:25 PM on May 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
You were invited by text message. Traditional etiquette expectations no longer apply.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:45 AM on May 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Rock Steady at 6:45 AM on May 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by loveandhappiness at 12:28 PM on May 2, 2019