Can we make this relationship work?
March 27, 2019 8:22 AM Subscribe
Cross cultural issues, inexperience on his side, and weird pacing make it a bit complex, however we are very much in love
I (30, female, Canadian) am dating someone who is from an Islamic country (29, male) and he has never dated before because his parents forbade it. He left his religion behind when he left home about 8 years ago but of course his parents don't know this. The relationship has been going pretty fast - he said the 'L' word after like one month and he is extremely caring, doting and considerate and we have been having lots of conversations about our expectations and wants and it's been the best communication I've ever had in a relationship ever. He also invited me to go for a weekend in the country and now he wants me to meet his group of friends in another city. He also asked me if I would like to join a church community with him.
Due to his inexperience, the pacing of this thing is so out of whack. He seems to feel now that he has gotten in too deep too fast and now wants to slow it down. To be clear I was never the one pressuring him to move fast. ( it has only been 3 months!!) I really really liked him so was happy to acquiesce when he suggested these things but I have tried to be clear at every point and let him know the implication that could come across with these types of invitations (the implication being that he's looking for something serious).
The main thing that is fucking this whole relationship up is that he has told me that his parents would disapprove of him not dating a Muslim. In their minds, he has never dated and will only marry in order to have experience with women. I took this to mean he wasn't looking for something serious, however then we both fell in love with each other and now we are in this predicament where I have trouble trusting him due to this duplicity, and he feels pressured to tell the parents too fast into the relationship.
To be clear I am sure he loves me and that I love him back, his communication is good and honest and he is a good person in general. The problem is the pacing. For me, when someone says the L word, it means they are seriously interested in you. I know he meant it when he said it because it just slipped out accidentally and he's said it a billion times since then.
The problem with that, is that even if he meant it, he wasn't prepared for the implications that come afterwards, due to his inexperience he doesn't know anything about this stuff. So all the hard conversations have had to start coming already, even though it's only been 3 months.
He has said that he will eventually tell his parents when he is certain of the relationship. I'm fine with that, as I also feel it's too soon to be doing that stuff. However, the Love confession and the other overtures complicate things for me and I'm really struggling to TRUST him because in all honesty... I'm a pessimist and would prefer to prepare for the worst than just expect things to magically work out. Am I being too brutal about this?
I am also dealing with some hard stuff at work right now which have me emotionally just completely exhausted.
I need help figuring out how to make this work for now.
1) Does he seem like someone I should trust? I know no one can answer this. But the duplicity of not telling his parents what he's up to really gets under my skin. I am also aware that he's living something that I have trouble comprehending due to my background having grown up in Canada with a Canadian family.
2) Has anyone seen this type of thing work out before?
3) If you think this has a chance of working out, what do both of us need to do right now to keep it going? What do we both need to do to meet each other's needs while also letting the situation unfold naturally?
4) What kind of signals would let me know that I should instead get out of this ?
I (30, female, Canadian) am dating someone who is from an Islamic country (29, male) and he has never dated before because his parents forbade it. He left his religion behind when he left home about 8 years ago but of course his parents don't know this. The relationship has been going pretty fast - he said the 'L' word after like one month and he is extremely caring, doting and considerate and we have been having lots of conversations about our expectations and wants and it's been the best communication I've ever had in a relationship ever. He also invited me to go for a weekend in the country and now he wants me to meet his group of friends in another city. He also asked me if I would like to join a church community with him.
Due to his inexperience, the pacing of this thing is so out of whack. He seems to feel now that he has gotten in too deep too fast and now wants to slow it down. To be clear I was never the one pressuring him to move fast. ( it has only been 3 months!!) I really really liked him so was happy to acquiesce when he suggested these things but I have tried to be clear at every point and let him know the implication that could come across with these types of invitations (the implication being that he's looking for something serious).
The main thing that is fucking this whole relationship up is that he has told me that his parents would disapprove of him not dating a Muslim. In their minds, he has never dated and will only marry in order to have experience with women. I took this to mean he wasn't looking for something serious, however then we both fell in love with each other and now we are in this predicament where I have trouble trusting him due to this duplicity, and he feels pressured to tell the parents too fast into the relationship.
To be clear I am sure he loves me and that I love him back, his communication is good and honest and he is a good person in general. The problem is the pacing. For me, when someone says the L word, it means they are seriously interested in you. I know he meant it when he said it because it just slipped out accidentally and he's said it a billion times since then.
The problem with that, is that even if he meant it, he wasn't prepared for the implications that come afterwards, due to his inexperience he doesn't know anything about this stuff. So all the hard conversations have had to start coming already, even though it's only been 3 months.
He has said that he will eventually tell his parents when he is certain of the relationship. I'm fine with that, as I also feel it's too soon to be doing that stuff. However, the Love confession and the other overtures complicate things for me and I'm really struggling to TRUST him because in all honesty... I'm a pessimist and would prefer to prepare for the worst than just expect things to magically work out. Am I being too brutal about this?
I am also dealing with some hard stuff at work right now which have me emotionally just completely exhausted.
I need help figuring out how to make this work for now.
1) Does he seem like someone I should trust? I know no one can answer this. But the duplicity of not telling his parents what he's up to really gets under my skin. I am also aware that he's living something that I have trouble comprehending due to my background having grown up in Canada with a Canadian family.
2) Has anyone seen this type of thing work out before?
3) If you think this has a chance of working out, what do both of us need to do right now to keep it going? What do we both need to do to meet each other's needs while also letting the situation unfold naturally?
4) What kind of signals would let me know that I should instead get out of this ?
Wait, he left his home and religion eight years ago, but you're the first person he's dated in that time? I would explore this.
posted by cakelite at 8:31 AM on March 27, 2019 [20 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 8:31 AM on March 27, 2019 [20 favorites]
Does he seem like someone I should trust? I know no one can answer this. But the duplicity of not telling his parents what he's up to really gets under my skin
Plenty of trustworthy people don't tell their parents shit. He's a grown-ass man and he doesn't have to tell his parents anything. What he tells them isn't a referendum on his feelings about you or his future aspirations.
To tell them would cause a potentially massive breech with his family, one that can't ever be repaired. Why would he do that three months into any relationship? Short of making the decision to marry, I can't think of any reason to do that at all.
As gently as possible, I don't think the pacing problem here is him.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:32 AM on March 27, 2019 [27 favorites]
Plenty of trustworthy people don't tell their parents shit. He's a grown-ass man and he doesn't have to tell his parents anything. What he tells them isn't a referendum on his feelings about you or his future aspirations.
To tell them would cause a potentially massive breech with his family, one that can't ever be repaired. Why would he do that three months into any relationship? Short of making the decision to marry, I can't think of any reason to do that at all.
As gently as possible, I don't think the pacing problem here is him.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:32 AM on March 27, 2019 [27 favorites]
I'm worn out just reading this. No relationship is worth this much anguish and crystal ball reading and so many questions and uncertainty. You're saying it's complex but it really isn't. You're just not compatible.
Just bail--few things in life are worth this much anguish--and it may be that the anguish is coming from your own anxieties, but that's something you need to explore.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 8:33 AM on March 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
Just bail--few things in life are worth this much anguish--and it may be that the anguish is coming from your own anxieties, but that's something you need to explore.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 8:33 AM on March 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
OK, so on the love thing... in college I met a guy who I really clicked with, and we went on a date and then hung out every day for a week and at the end of that week he said "I think I'm falling in love with you." I wanna say he was 20 and I was 18 (and both white Americans, if that matters). I am much more like you - my internal reaction was "wtf??" and yeah, it freaked me out a bit. Felt like way too much too soon.
But I figured... well, maybe this guy's internal definition of "love" is different than mine. Maybe the warm feelings and attraction and desire to be near this guy that I'm feeling are equating to "love" for him. Or maybe it's just really easy for him to fall in love. I didn't know. Still don't.
I kept dating him, and I wound up falling in love with him (by my own definition) a few months later, and we dated for over two years. I regret nothing.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:33 AM on March 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
But I figured... well, maybe this guy's internal definition of "love" is different than mine. Maybe the warm feelings and attraction and desire to be near this guy that I'm feeling are equating to "love" for him. Or maybe it's just really easy for him to fall in love. I didn't know. Still don't.
I kept dating him, and I wound up falling in love with him (by my own definition) a few months later, and we dated for over two years. I regret nothing.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:33 AM on March 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
I reread your question, because I was having trouble putting my finger on the concrete problem. Obviously you feel uncomfortable with the pace, but the reasons why weren't clear to me.
The problem with that, is that even if he meant it, he wasn't prepared for the implications that come afterwards, due to his inexperience he doesn't know anything about this stuff. So all the hard conversations have had to start coming already, even though it's only been 3 months.
However, the Love confession and the other overtures complicate things for me and I'm really struggling to TRUST him because in all honesty... I'm a pessimist and would prefer to prepare for the worst than just expect things to magically work out.
But looking at it again, it seems like the problem is - you're saying to yourself that HE "isn't prepared for the implications" of saying he loves you, but I don't see any examples of ways in which he's demonstrating that he isn't prepared. It seems like the actual issue is that YOU are not prepared for them. You are really uncomfortable with/scared of all the baggage that you perceive as coming along with the word "love," and that discomfort is making you want to scrap the whole thing rather than contemplate actually moving forward.
Can you unpack that baggage a little more than you have here? What, specifically, are you afraid of?
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:42 AM on March 27, 2019 [13 favorites]
The problem with that, is that even if he meant it, he wasn't prepared for the implications that come afterwards, due to his inexperience he doesn't know anything about this stuff. So all the hard conversations have had to start coming already, even though it's only been 3 months.
However, the Love confession and the other overtures complicate things for me and I'm really struggling to TRUST him because in all honesty... I'm a pessimist and would prefer to prepare for the worst than just expect things to magically work out.
But looking at it again, it seems like the problem is - you're saying to yourself that HE "isn't prepared for the implications" of saying he loves you, but I don't see any examples of ways in which he's demonstrating that he isn't prepared. It seems like the actual issue is that YOU are not prepared for them. You are really uncomfortable with/scared of all the baggage that you perceive as coming along with the word "love," and that discomfort is making you want to scrap the whole thing rather than contemplate actually moving forward.
Can you unpack that baggage a little more than you have here? What, specifically, are you afraid of?
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:42 AM on March 27, 2019 [13 favorites]
Response by poster: It seems like the actual issue is that YOU are not prepared for them.
Yes actually I think you are correct. I probably was not prepared for this to come at me so quickly. Actually, I told myself at the beginning of the year that I wanted to stop dating for a while, because I had had 2 bad experiences since July which really beat me down. Mainly it came down to having feelings for guys that took advantage of my kind personality. They were interested in reaping the benefits of the kindness but were not interested in giving it back to me. So that tired me out and so I decided to try and stop for a while. And now this happens and I am overwhelmed with his kindness , so I am not sure how to process it emotionally and also struggle to believe it, and think it must be Too Good to be True. (I have an anxiety disorder, so posting these questions here helps me see through the anxiety a bit and imagine a more positive interpretation of my situation).
posted by winterportage at 8:52 AM on March 27, 2019 [9 favorites]
Yes actually I think you are correct. I probably was not prepared for this to come at me so quickly. Actually, I told myself at the beginning of the year that I wanted to stop dating for a while, because I had had 2 bad experiences since July which really beat me down. Mainly it came down to having feelings for guys that took advantage of my kind personality. They were interested in reaping the benefits of the kindness but were not interested in giving it back to me. So that tired me out and so I decided to try and stop for a while. And now this happens and I am overwhelmed with his kindness , so I am not sure how to process it emotionally and also struggle to believe it, and think it must be Too Good to be True. (I have an anxiety disorder, so posting these questions here helps me see through the anxiety a bit and imagine a more positive interpretation of my situation).
posted by winterportage at 8:52 AM on March 27, 2019 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I'm not seeing a problem with the pacing... if he was telling his parents right now, and risking huge problems in his family over this for a relationship of three months, then that would suggest a problem. But saying he loves you? I don't see that as an issue at all. Love means different things to different people, and some are just more verbally demonstrative about that kind of thing.
He is showing that he isn't jumping into the deep end yet by keeping his silence about the relationship, rather than putting himself in a risky/strife-ridden position with his parents too early.
I come from a culturally/ethnically mixed background, one very conservative/Middle Eastern and one Western and very liberal. So it worked out for my parents, but it wasn't easy, and you may have to just find a way to take things in stride, and trust his management of his family and all those nuances which you can't by definition cannot understand because you did not spend a lifetime learning those expectations and the specific dance of obfuscation necessary to live in a restrictive/micromanaging society. In my family's case, the conservative side never fully accepted the other spouse to a large degree because they were outside the culture, but this was back in the 60s, and they had no experience with anyone dating outside the ethnicity ever. YMMV, but I think if you want this to work a big chill pill is going to be required. But in my experience, every relationship requires that anyway. Good luck!
Edit: I just saw your last comment, and wanted to stress that you are allowed to think this is all too much and bow out. My mother once said to me 'honestly, if I knew then how his family was really going to treat me all these years, I wouldn't have married him.' So, yeah, it probably wouldn't be an easy path, and of course harder if you suspect you don't even want it.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 8:52 AM on March 27, 2019 [10 favorites]
He is showing that he isn't jumping into the deep end yet by keeping his silence about the relationship, rather than putting himself in a risky/strife-ridden position with his parents too early.
I come from a culturally/ethnically mixed background, one very conservative/Middle Eastern and one Western and very liberal. So it worked out for my parents, but it wasn't easy, and you may have to just find a way to take things in stride, and trust his management of his family and all those nuances which you can't by definition cannot understand because you did not spend a lifetime learning those expectations and the specific dance of obfuscation necessary to live in a restrictive/micromanaging society. In my family's case, the conservative side never fully accepted the other spouse to a large degree because they were outside the culture, but this was back in the 60s, and they had no experience with anyone dating outside the ethnicity ever. YMMV, but I think if you want this to work a big chill pill is going to be required. But in my experience, every relationship requires that anyway. Good luck!
Edit: I just saw your last comment, and wanted to stress that you are allowed to think this is all too much and bow out. My mother once said to me 'honestly, if I knew then how his family was really going to treat me all these years, I wouldn't have married him.' So, yeah, it probably wouldn't be an easy path, and of course harder if you suspect you don't even want it.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 8:52 AM on March 27, 2019 [10 favorites]
Does he seem like someone I should trust?
Would he tell you something he knew to be false? It seems not.
Can he understand his emotions enough to communicate them with you? Almost definitely not.
You're fine, though. Interpret his emotions as he brings them to you, be careful about reframing them as overwhelming (good) feelings which you don't need to think of as permanent and inflexible, and see how it goes.
posted by ambrosen at 8:54 AM on March 27, 2019
Would he tell you something he knew to be false? It seems not.
Can he understand his emotions enough to communicate them with you? Almost definitely not.
You're fine, though. Interpret his emotions as he brings them to you, be careful about reframing them as overwhelming (good) feelings which you don't need to think of as permanent and inflexible, and see how it goes.
posted by ambrosen at 8:54 AM on March 27, 2019
There's an overall sense in your question that you are the keeper of the one true way in which relationships can progress and he is veering away from that, and it is a PROBLEM. Possibly you have arrived at this conclusion because you have more experience than him in dating, and you have made relationship choices in the past that lead you to follow very similar patterns, and so you're a bit surprised by how things are progressing with this person.
But there is no ONE TRUE WAY. There is no clear set of activities that must follow someone saying they love you.
It might help your relationship if both of you can approach individual choices in your relationship as individual choices, rather than as existing on some kind of inevitable continuum.
Do the two of you think it would be fun to meet his friends? Or that it is important for you to meet his friends? That's a decision that you can make without feeling like it is some huge step on the road to MARRIAGECHILDRENDEATHETERNITY.
Do the two of you both want to attend the same church? Will that be a major change for either of you, and can it readily be undone if the relationship doesn't work out or will you both get ensconced and then spend the rest of your lives avoiding each other at potluck suppers? That's potentially a bigger decision because you are both choosing to join a community together, but it still doesn't have to be forever.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:00 AM on March 27, 2019 [8 favorites]
But there is no ONE TRUE WAY. There is no clear set of activities that must follow someone saying they love you.
It might help your relationship if both of you can approach individual choices in your relationship as individual choices, rather than as existing on some kind of inevitable continuum.
Do the two of you think it would be fun to meet his friends? Or that it is important for you to meet his friends? That's a decision that you can make without feeling like it is some huge step on the road to MARRIAGECHILDRENDEATHETERNITY.
Do the two of you both want to attend the same church? Will that be a major change for either of you, and can it readily be undone if the relationship doesn't work out or will you both get ensconced and then spend the rest of your lives avoiding each other at potluck suppers? That's potentially a bigger decision because you are both choosing to join a community together, but it still doesn't have to be forever.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:00 AM on March 27, 2019 [8 favorites]
I guess the question of whether this would work is based more on, what do you want? Do you want to get married and have kids someday? Because that may be more difficult if not impossible with someone who is afraid to tell their parents about your relationship.
I have lived this, in a sense. I was in a same-sex relationship for 6-1/2 years, and in that time my partner never came out to her parents about us. There were cultural conflicts involved there as well. Although her parents lived far, far away from us, she was justifiably still very afraid of their reaction.
I eventually left the relationship for a few reasons. But the biggest was that, I couldn't marry or raise kids with someone who is hiding our relationship. Those were things I wanted and needed, and I invested the time hoping that things would change.
If I had just wanted a companion for life, it would have worked out fine.
My suggestion for you and your boyfriend: if you are able to wait, give it a little more time. Talk with him about when he's willing to share your relationship with his parents (6 months? 1 year?). See if that is a time that is reasonable to you. And then leave if he's unable to tell them, or unable to stand up to them, rather than invest yet more time that you could spend finding the right partner.
posted by ElisaOS at 9:57 AM on March 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
I have lived this, in a sense. I was in a same-sex relationship for 6-1/2 years, and in that time my partner never came out to her parents about us. There were cultural conflicts involved there as well. Although her parents lived far, far away from us, she was justifiably still very afraid of their reaction.
I eventually left the relationship for a few reasons. But the biggest was that, I couldn't marry or raise kids with someone who is hiding our relationship. Those were things I wanted and needed, and I invested the time hoping that things would change.
If I had just wanted a companion for life, it would have worked out fine.
My suggestion for you and your boyfriend: if you are able to wait, give it a little more time. Talk with him about when he's willing to share your relationship with his parents (6 months? 1 year?). See if that is a time that is reasonable to you. And then leave if he's unable to tell them, or unable to stand up to them, rather than invest yet more time that you could spend finding the right partner.
posted by ElisaOS at 9:57 AM on March 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
Best answer: he wasn't prepared for the implications that come afterwards, due to his inexperience he doesn't know anything about this stuff. So all the hard conversations have had to start coming already, even though it's only been 3 months
This may be because I am more like your boyfriend myself, but I don’t really understand this part. What do you see as the implications of telling somebody you love them? What hard conversations do you need to have as a result? Why did you need to have them?
When I told my now-husband I loved him, I pretty much just meant I’d be upset if we broke up. I didn’t mean that he was my one and only soulmate or that I wanted to marry him. Nothing changed in the relationship, we just carried on dating like we had before. The feeling that he was part of my family and a permanent fixture etc came years later, when we’d been living together for a while, had bought a house together, etc.
I don’t see any indication that he is moving the relationship on quickly - it looks like he wears his heart on his sleeve, and you are taking verbal effusiveness literally and running with it. If he actually wanted to push the relationship on, he would be pushing for the hard conversations himself - instead he sounds like he is resisting them (“wasn’t prepared for the implications”).
It may be that you aren’t a good fit, but if you want it to work I would just take his declarations of love as expressions of enthusiasm, and keep the relationship casual unless you want to progress it yourself.
posted by tinkletown at 10:07 AM on March 27, 2019 [14 favorites]
This may be because I am more like your boyfriend myself, but I don’t really understand this part. What do you see as the implications of telling somebody you love them? What hard conversations do you need to have as a result? Why did you need to have them?
When I told my now-husband I loved him, I pretty much just meant I’d be upset if we broke up. I didn’t mean that he was my one and only soulmate or that I wanted to marry him. Nothing changed in the relationship, we just carried on dating like we had before. The feeling that he was part of my family and a permanent fixture etc came years later, when we’d been living together for a while, had bought a house together, etc.
I don’t see any indication that he is moving the relationship on quickly - it looks like he wears his heart on his sleeve, and you are taking verbal effusiveness literally and running with it. If he actually wanted to push the relationship on, he would be pushing for the hard conversations himself - instead he sounds like he is resisting them (“wasn’t prepared for the implications”).
It may be that you aren’t a good fit, but if you want it to work I would just take his declarations of love as expressions of enthusiasm, and keep the relationship casual unless you want to progress it yourself.
posted by tinkletown at 10:07 AM on March 27, 2019 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, so what does love mean to you? I’ve had relationships and been in love with men where it was clear we weren’t compatible for the long haul. Love doesn’t necessarily mean, “We’re committed and doing this in a serious way.” It often just means... you care a lot about someone, adore them, etc.
Perhaps this expression of emotion is, for you, linked to a sort of promise or expression of intention, but this isn’t true for many people.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:50 AM on March 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
Perhaps this expression of emotion is, for you, linked to a sort of promise or expression of intention, but this isn’t true for many people.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:50 AM on March 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the feedback people! the L word did freak me out a bit, it seems. It's comforting to know that it doesn't necessarily mean all that much besides the fact that he's fond of me. The perspective of individualistic vs collectivistic cultures is very helpful too.
The thought of slowing it down a lot seems like a good idea and I will try this now. I'm pretty sure work stress is bleeding into my interpretation of this all. thanks people!
posted by winterportage at 11:35 AM on March 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
The thought of slowing it down a lot seems like a good idea and I will try this now. I'm pretty sure work stress is bleeding into my interpretation of this all. thanks people!
posted by winterportage at 11:35 AM on March 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Hi there - I'm from a similar background to your partner. I also left Islam. I'm also in an interracial relationship with a white Canadian. There are definitely some flags in your post, namely:
- he left his religion behind when he left home about 8 years ago but of course his parents don't know this.
Why of course? Why is it a given that he shouldn't tell his parents his beliefs? There are definitely people who live a double life, but not all of us do. You should find out what his reasons are. Some ex-Muslims are genuinely in danger if they come out. Most just don't want to lose their family connections.
- he feels pressured to tell the parents too fast into the relationship
That's because in his culture, people don't date. Once he tells his parents about you, he will likely face tremendous pressure from them to get engaged, and not far in the future, married. Why is he feeling this pressure to tell them? I'm worried it's due to immaturity and inexperience ("i feel love, therefore i should marry"). If you're talking marriage at all, make sure it's for the right reasons.
- he has told me that his parents would disapprove of him not dating a Muslim
The most important question here is, what will his response be? I've observed this a million times over in my family and community, and there are basically two types: those who are willing to defy their parents and those who aren't. Find out now which he is. If his answer is anything like, "well I hope to win them over, they'll hopefully come around, and by the way how you do feel about converting, you won't have to actually practice the religion, but what are your thoughts"...it won't end well.
Good luck, and feel free to memail me.
posted by yawper at 12:42 PM on March 27, 2019 [10 favorites]
- he left his religion behind when he left home about 8 years ago but of course his parents don't know this.
Why of course? Why is it a given that he shouldn't tell his parents his beliefs? There are definitely people who live a double life, but not all of us do. You should find out what his reasons are. Some ex-Muslims are genuinely in danger if they come out. Most just don't want to lose their family connections.
- he feels pressured to tell the parents too fast into the relationship
That's because in his culture, people don't date. Once he tells his parents about you, he will likely face tremendous pressure from them to get engaged, and not far in the future, married. Why is he feeling this pressure to tell them? I'm worried it's due to immaturity and inexperience ("i feel love, therefore i should marry"). If you're talking marriage at all, make sure it's for the right reasons.
- he has told me that his parents would disapprove of him not dating a Muslim
The most important question here is, what will his response be? I've observed this a million times over in my family and community, and there are basically two types: those who are willing to defy their parents and those who aren't. Find out now which he is. If his answer is anything like, "well I hope to win them over, they'll hopefully come around, and by the way how you do feel about converting, you won't have to actually practice the religion, but what are your thoughts"...it won't end well.
Good luck, and feel free to memail me.
posted by yawper at 12:42 PM on March 27, 2019 [10 favorites]
You might get a lot out of "The Big Sick" - movie about how Kumail Nanjiani and his wife got together!
posted by jrobin276 at 1:36 PM on March 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by jrobin276 at 1:36 PM on March 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
He seems to feel now that he has gotten in too deep too fast and now wants to slow it down.
You all are three months in? This could be the very standard thing that happens in many new relationships: you move a lot faster at first because it's new and exciting and you are falling in love and you are ignoring many other things in life; and then, you realize that new relationship craziness isn't sustainable and you move from that falling-in-love feeling to the more stable relationship time.
If he's newer to dating and relationships, he may not realize that this is super common.
The other possibility is that he's thinking more now about ramifications of being in a longer term relationship with a non-Muslim woman. Have you all been talking about all this?
posted by bluedaisy at 2:31 PM on March 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
You all are three months in? This could be the very standard thing that happens in many new relationships: you move a lot faster at first because it's new and exciting and you are falling in love and you are ignoring many other things in life; and then, you realize that new relationship craziness isn't sustainable and you move from that falling-in-love feeling to the more stable relationship time.
If he's newer to dating and relationships, he may not realize that this is super common.
The other possibility is that he's thinking more now about ramifications of being in a longer term relationship with a non-Muslim woman. Have you all been talking about all this?
posted by bluedaisy at 2:31 PM on March 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
Lots of good advice here. I am very surprised that I am the first person to bring this up:
He left his religion behind when he left home about 8 years ago [ . . . ]He also asked me if I would like to join a church community with him.
Uh, which faith are we talking about here?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:49 PM on March 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
He left his religion behind when he left home about 8 years ago [ . . . ]He also asked me if I would like to join a church community with him.
Uh, which faith are we talking about here?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:49 PM on March 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
Uh, which faith are we talking about here?
Just a wild guess -
I (30, female, Canadian) am dating someone who is from an Islamic country (29, male)
- Islam.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:43 PM on March 27, 2019
Just a wild guess -
I (30, female, Canadian) am dating someone who is from an Islamic country (29, male)
- Islam.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:43 PM on March 27, 2019
My point is that asking someone to change religions after 3 months is a big deal, and returning to the religion that will put him in good graces with his family may shine an unfortunate light on how things are going to play out for the OP and the family in the future.
And what if she isn’t interested in changing religions? That may answer the question of compatibility immediately.
Or the guy has reached an age where religion makes more sense to him and it has nothing to do with family, or her. It’s worth finding out. Religious compatibility is a Big Deal, cross-cultural or not.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:46 AM on March 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
And what if she isn’t interested in changing religions? That may answer the question of compatibility immediately.
Or the guy has reached an age where religion makes more sense to him and it has nothing to do with family, or her. It’s worth finding out. Religious compatibility is a Big Deal, cross-cultural or not.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:46 AM on March 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Oh man, totally apart from everything else, you definitely ought to reframe this in your mind. It is NOT "duplicity" to not tell your parents everything about your life. I know a ton of people from a huge variety of cultural backgrounds who hide info about themselves from their parents in order to protect themselves. No one owes honesty to a person who will use it against them. Imagine a gay person from a conservative family for example - is it "duplicity" for them to not tell their parents they're dating people of the same sex?
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:28 AM on March 27, 2019 [94 favorites]