How do I forgive myself for throwing away my drawings?
March 24, 2019 7:28 AM Subscribe
In 2015, I went on a (most likely) hypomanic cleaning spree. I threw out most of the sketchbooks and drawings I had from 2008 until then. They were from 8th grade, high school and the beginning of college. These years were really hard for me especially the end of high school and college. I had severe depression that only got better until pretty recently. My mom was saying that I would regret throwing them out, and now I really do.
I think getting mad/sad about this was triggered by starting a Konmari cleaning session, which is the same thing I was doing when I threw my art out. Both times I actually had a lot of stuff that was cluttering my space up, which is something that really bothers me.
I think I did it because I wanted to get rid of the bad memories and feelings from these times, which were represented in my art. A lot of them were venting on paper. To further complicate things, I have often had insecurity about my art. I've been frustrated and thought that my art really sucks and that I should throw away the crappy drawings because I'm embarrassed how bad they are.
I've been feeling really upset and disappointed with myself that I did this. I kind of feel like I threw a part of myself away. I'm trying to figure out how to cope with this but really struggling. I talked to my therapist about this and she that it's okay to be sad and upset. She also said that the main thing I can do is accept what happened and try to help myself feel better. And that this could be a lesson to be more careful about choosing to throw out sentimental stuff. I've tried talking to my artist friends but I don't think they can really understand.
On a side note, I have pictures of a lot of the art and I was thinking about printing out copies of them and making a book. It's not the same as having the real thing though, but maybe it could help as a sort of rememberance thing. Also, I've been making new art and am trying to make sure I preserve it as best as I can.
If you've done something similar to this what have you tried to cope with what you did? And/or can you suggest things to try to work through this by myself/with my therapist?
I think getting mad/sad about this was triggered by starting a Konmari cleaning session, which is the same thing I was doing when I threw my art out. Both times I actually had a lot of stuff that was cluttering my space up, which is something that really bothers me.
I think I did it because I wanted to get rid of the bad memories and feelings from these times, which were represented in my art. A lot of them were venting on paper. To further complicate things, I have often had insecurity about my art. I've been frustrated and thought that my art really sucks and that I should throw away the crappy drawings because I'm embarrassed how bad they are.
I've been feeling really upset and disappointed with myself that I did this. I kind of feel like I threw a part of myself away. I'm trying to figure out how to cope with this but really struggling. I talked to my therapist about this and she that it's okay to be sad and upset. She also said that the main thing I can do is accept what happened and try to help myself feel better. And that this could be a lesson to be more careful about choosing to throw out sentimental stuff. I've tried talking to my artist friends but I don't think they can really understand.
On a side note, I have pictures of a lot of the art and I was thinking about printing out copies of them and making a book. It's not the same as having the real thing though, but maybe it could help as a sort of rememberance thing. Also, I've been making new art and am trying to make sure I preserve it as best as I can.
If you've done something similar to this what have you tried to cope with what you did? And/or can you suggest things to try to work through this by myself/with my therapist?
Think a little more about why it's bothering you so much. If it's primarily because you "feel like you threw part of yourself away," maybe doing some things to acknowledge and honor the person you were at that time might help. Or if there are other reasons you're so upset, addressing them might help.
Would you be as upset if they had been destroyed in a flood? If so, maybe you can reframe the period when you got rid of them as a kind of natural disaster, and forgive yourself that way.
(I happily got rid of all my teenage angsty journals and art with no regrets. It wasn't unreasonable for you to make that choice, even though you regret it now.)
posted by metasarah at 7:47 AM on March 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
Would you be as upset if they had been destroyed in a flood? If so, maybe you can reframe the period when you got rid of them as a kind of natural disaster, and forgive yourself that way.
(I happily got rid of all my teenage angsty journals and art with no regrets. It wasn't unreasonable for you to make that choice, even though you regret it now.)
posted by metasarah at 7:47 AM on March 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
In 2007, 08, and 09, I was a member of an online Star Wars roleplaying community. I had logs of just about every RP session I took part in there, a lot of fun times with talented, enthusiastic people. But there was also a lot of frustration due to administration and other questions. In the end, after the community closed up shop, I needed to make a clean break and deleted all my logs.
Several years later, when transferring files to a new computer, having forgotten what I had done, I was hunting around for the logs and couldn't find them. Having realized what I had done, I was rather sad, but thinking about that time again, I remembered my frustrations and my original reasons for deleting everything returned and were as valid as they had been originally .
In any case, there's no going back now.
posted by Fukiyama at 8:02 AM on March 24, 2019
Several years later, when transferring files to a new computer, having forgotten what I had done, I was hunting around for the logs and couldn't find them. Having realized what I had done, I was rather sad, but thinking about that time again, I remembered my frustrations and my original reasons for deleting everything returned and were as valid as they had been originally .
In any case, there's no going back now.
posted by Fukiyama at 8:02 AM on March 24, 2019
It sounds like a form of self-harm, driven by self-loathing. Depression lies. Depression makes you believe you are worthless. Instead of being angry at yourself, tell yourself you deserve compassion and healing for how awful you felt.
You may also be feeling guilty about having been depressed. There's so much blaming and shaming about it, and it is not deserved. Go make new art, celebrate your talent and celebrate keeping depression at bay. You deserve compassion and confidence.
posted by theora55 at 8:10 AM on March 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
You may also be feeling guilty about having been depressed. There's so much blaming and shaming about it, and it is not deserved. Go make new art, celebrate your talent and celebrate keeping depression at bay. You deserve compassion and confidence.
posted by theora55 at 8:10 AM on March 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
Why don’t you spend a bit of time making this book? They be quite inexpensive and you will be interacting with your photos. See how that feels? You may find you’re able to calm yourself or else figure out what else is going on to cause your unease.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:12 AM on March 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:12 AM on March 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
I feel like ethereality is part of art. There's a bunch of ways you could lose your archives; it was always a possibility. Photographing it is a good habit and you should keep doing that; you could definitely make books or presentations out of the documentation you have, and maybe do the same kind of thing every year going forward.
But also: time. I have occasionally felt a terrible pang of loss over something I've gotten rid of, but the feeling has not persisted. Even the things I am still sorry I got rid of, it's not the gutted feeling that comes at first and requires some kind of self-forgiveness, it's just acknowledgement that I wish I'd done something differently.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:59 AM on March 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
But also: time. I have occasionally felt a terrible pang of loss over something I've gotten rid of, but the feeling has not persisted. Even the things I am still sorry I got rid of, it's not the gutted feeling that comes at first and requires some kind of self-forgiveness, it's just acknowledgement that I wish I'd done something differently.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:59 AM on March 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
Do you currently feel actively engaged in making art? Are you excited about features of your current art making process? I understand that you're missing this art that you made years back, but it could also be helpful to know what many artists regularly purge and throw away old work. I was shocked when I first saw painters and illustrators and even ceramicists and sculptors do this, but it's a regular and important part of the process many artists engage in so that they keep moving forward. It's fine to make yourself a record of your old work either by collecting the photos or making a little book for yourself, but I'd encourage you to also look forward and concentrate on your new work. If you feel like you're getting better and moving into new techniques and refining your style, you may end up feeling like your connection to this past work is lessened or that you don't feel the loss as acutely.
posted by quince at 8:59 AM on March 24, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by quince at 8:59 AM on March 24, 2019 [9 favorites]
Think of it as juvenalia. Some artists treasure old troves from when they were learning their craft. But many, perhaps most, destroy this work hoping no one will ever see it. Make new art. It’s fine to be sad about the loss, but making it a tragedy is valuing that stuff too much.
posted by rikschell at 10:05 AM on March 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by rikschell at 10:05 AM on March 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
Ok so I did this - I threw away journals from my young youth and teenage years. I regretted it a few years later and then a few years after that... I just let it go. I’m a different person now. That pain is a distant memory. I’ve made peace with so much and that part of me isn’t me anymore. Maybe that helps? Look ahead, not back.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:21 AM on March 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:21 AM on March 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
As someone who has moved multiple times, you did your future self a favor. Realistically you probably would have ended up toting them around with you for years, only to keep them boxed up and not really ever look at them. And you still have photos! Forgive yourself and make new art.
posted by emd3737 at 10:39 AM on March 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 10:39 AM on March 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
In addition to the great suggestions above, I encourage you to consider this: one day you will no longer miss the drawings nor will you regret throwing them out. You aren't quite there yet but do rest assured that you will be one day!
It's so good that your depression is starting to get better. One of the less mentioned and less fun side effects of getting better is feeling more ready to recognize the difficult things you had been able to ignore or neglect during the most severe points of your illness. While it's a hard realization to have now, it's surely a sign that you're continuing to get better! Along those lines, I totally recommend reading The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon. It's a loooong book but was invaluable to me for understanding depression. A therapist can help you do the work and medicine helps you function but intellectual reflection can also help you understand and make peace: it does for me!
Like others have mentioned, it sounds like being an artist is a key part of your identity that you have been missing. Please try to reconnect with that side of you, whether it's joining a local drawing group, making a Tumblr for old and new work or trying something totally different but creative. Your best work is yet to come, and the loss of your old work will propel you to get there! Again, it may not be for awhile until you believe that but one day you will look back and understand.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:50 AM on March 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
It's so good that your depression is starting to get better. One of the less mentioned and less fun side effects of getting better is feeling more ready to recognize the difficult things you had been able to ignore or neglect during the most severe points of your illness. While it's a hard realization to have now, it's surely a sign that you're continuing to get better! Along those lines, I totally recommend reading The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon. It's a loooong book but was invaluable to me for understanding depression. A therapist can help you do the work and medicine helps you function but intellectual reflection can also help you understand and make peace: it does for me!
Like others have mentioned, it sounds like being an artist is a key part of your identity that you have been missing. Please try to reconnect with that side of you, whether it's joining a local drawing group, making a Tumblr for old and new work or trying something totally different but creative. Your best work is yet to come, and the loss of your old work will propel you to get there! Again, it may not be for awhile until you believe that but one day you will look back and understand.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:50 AM on March 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
I think I did it because I wanted to get rid of the bad memories and feelings from these times, which were represented in my art.
It sounds like that may have been a healthy impulse and that making a book of the old pieces would be giving yourself a chance to wallow in old feelings. It might be helpful to give yourself a creative space (physical and mental) to create art for the person you are now.
posted by betweenthebars at 10:53 AM on March 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
It sounds like that may have been a healthy impulse and that making a book of the old pieces would be giving yourself a chance to wallow in old feelings. It might be helpful to give yourself a creative space (physical and mental) to create art for the person you are now.
posted by betweenthebars at 10:53 AM on March 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
I also wanted to add, as what was said above, of the things I *did* keep, sure enough they ended up tossed years later anyways.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:33 AM on March 24, 2019
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:33 AM on March 24, 2019
I have lost countless stuff to broken hard drives and computers and just general misplacement, including a gallery of some of the best photos I ever took. All of this is due to depression making it so hard for me to archive. I don't really think about them now because I'm too busy making new things, and it has been a several year process, which is still ongoing, of how to generally handle ruminations and to get my mind to stop spiraling. Let yourself feel your regret and sadness and contemplate a little bit, but let yourself move forward. Also, trust yourself too? Even if it wasn't great and you regret it now, you at least needed to clear something. So give yourself permission to do new things!
posted by yueliang at 11:49 AM on March 24, 2019
posted by yueliang at 11:49 AM on March 24, 2019
I relate to this feeling / swirl of feelings around past feelings -- it can be really hard.
my most cluttery tendency is all about papers: mail from college-era and the decade following, old journals, teen notes/letters, old artwork, classwork from different/faraway schools I attended as a kid. it's very hard to say goodbye sometimes (though saying the KonMari "thank you" has helped). and because I haven't done a full or frenzied purge, but just moved everything in boxes over the years, I have that guilt and shame about carrying it all. now, I have a little more room in my apartment, and a little more energy in my brain, to attend to them slowly. I've been doing things bit by bit.
I think making the book of your past artwork's photos is a great idea, if you just start on it now -- or, not now, but soon after you feel less guilty about the previous purge. you could even put a placeholder page in the book to represent some works that are no longer here, or write a note on that page about those works -- or about that time in your life. you may or may not find yourself wanting to keep the book later -- but you'll have done a tribute to your past self, and maybe just completing that act is OK.
in college my dorm had a fire that destroyed some, but not all of my photo boxes (as well as rando papers that I'd had strewn about). before I knew the extent of the damage to my stuff, it didn't take long for me to instantly realize, OH, all I really hoped to keep intact were the photos -- didn't care about clothes, most books, figurines, pretty much anything else. and I still lost some of those photos in the end, but it was nice to be able to salvage what I could. and it still has taken me years to even start to put them properly in a scrapbook, due both to the practical (moving every year, no space) and the emotions (oof). but now I find I'm culling the photos and getting rid of at least a third of them (and saying "thanks" before trashing). coming face-to-face to the photos when I'm in a better headspace has made a big difference.
you've suffered a lot, but your 2015 self at least reduced the stack of items to deal with now -- you'd still be dealing with feelings, no matter what.
posted by cluebucket at 12:01 PM on March 24, 2019
my most cluttery tendency is all about papers: mail from college-era and the decade following, old journals, teen notes/letters, old artwork, classwork from different/faraway schools I attended as a kid. it's very hard to say goodbye sometimes (though saying the KonMari "thank you" has helped). and because I haven't done a full or frenzied purge, but just moved everything in boxes over the years, I have that guilt and shame about carrying it all. now, I have a little more room in my apartment, and a little more energy in my brain, to attend to them slowly. I've been doing things bit by bit.
I think making the book of your past artwork's photos is a great idea, if you just start on it now -- or, not now, but soon after you feel less guilty about the previous purge. you could even put a placeholder page in the book to represent some works that are no longer here, or write a note on that page about those works -- or about that time in your life. you may or may not find yourself wanting to keep the book later -- but you'll have done a tribute to your past self, and maybe just completing that act is OK.
in college my dorm had a fire that destroyed some, but not all of my photo boxes (as well as rando papers that I'd had strewn about). before I knew the extent of the damage to my stuff, it didn't take long for me to instantly realize, OH, all I really hoped to keep intact were the photos -- didn't care about clothes, most books, figurines, pretty much anything else. and I still lost some of those photos in the end, but it was nice to be able to salvage what I could. and it still has taken me years to even start to put them properly in a scrapbook, due both to the practical (moving every year, no space) and the emotions (oof). but now I find I'm culling the photos and getting rid of at least a third of them (and saying "thanks" before trashing). coming face-to-face to the photos when I'm in a better headspace has made a big difference.
you've suffered a lot, but your 2015 self at least reduced the stack of items to deal with now -- you'd still be dealing with feelings, no matter what.
posted by cluebucket at 12:01 PM on March 24, 2019
Are you able to think of the throwing away as part of the process? I make art, and sometimes treasured images get smudged, crumpled, thrown away, or left on the bus (yes, really). I trained myself to think of this as part of the process — that’s not to say I don’t feel the loss, I do, and get annoyed if what happens to the images is not what I wanted to happen.
What happens to the images is part of the story. Keep on making more art!
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 1:36 PM on March 24, 2019
What happens to the images is part of the story. Keep on making more art!
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 1:36 PM on March 24, 2019
Compiling photos of your work from that era into a book is a great idea. You should do it.
Some of my old artworks have been misplaced or lost in various moves and upheavals. There is a sense of regret involved. Like anything in life, the regret may never leave completely, but it gradually mellows in significance when layers of new experiences and new projects become more important in life.
(This reminds me that I should properly sort and label my kinda messy archives, especially for various artworks made by old friends).
posted by ovvl at 4:45 PM on March 24, 2019
Some of my old artworks have been misplaced or lost in various moves and upheavals. There is a sense of regret involved. Like anything in life, the regret may never leave completely, but it gradually mellows in significance when layers of new experiences and new projects become more important in life.
(This reminds me that I should properly sort and label my kinda messy archives, especially for various artworks made by old friends).
posted by ovvl at 4:45 PM on March 24, 2019
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the advice. I really appreciate it and the new ways I can try to look at this. I needed it. I will definitely try to make a special project out of a scrapbook sort of things. I also think trying to honor my past self could help me a lot. As a side note, I'm really happy we have this community here where we can support and help each other.
posted by starlybri at 5:25 PM on March 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by starlybri at 5:25 PM on March 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
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