Stay Calm and Stop Annoying Your Friends
March 22, 2019 5:33 PM Subscribe
I have a bad habit of texting friends multiple texts in a panic whenever I have an anxiety attack. It's annoying. How do I stop?
I know I have a history of doing this, and I know I'm being a terrible friend who is massively annoying. I keep telling myself not to do it, and that if something is really bothering me I should wait 24 hours to see if it's really a major issue that other people really need to know about. However, I just keep doing it and I can't stop.
Recently I was pressed for time to find an apartment, so I settled and picked the one that best fit my needs for the short term until I can find something else. Unfortunately one of the roommates is pretty socially unaware and woke me up throughout the night by doing various annoying things until 4 AM. There are plenty of other red flags that this is not going to be a great housing situation. I was obviously very upset that I couldn't sleep well before work (I think I got 4 non-consecutive hours total when I was planning on 8). I started having an anxiety attack about how the rest of my time in the apartment is going to go and was triggered to start texting friends in a state of panic.
Obviously this isn't a great situation, but I do feel bad about all the frantic existential crisis texts about I sent out last night and this morning. I get pretty dark about when I'm in that much of a panic, and I feel bad for subjecting other people to that side of me. Besides, it's not like they can do anything to help me. In the future, what is something else I could do to ease my anxiety and desperation in these types of situations instead of texting people?
And yes, I have told the roommate to try to be quiet at night, but I'm not sure I can expect that from this roommate. I have a few strategies to try to deal with the noise that will hopefully work in the future. I'm looking for advice relating to the anxiety-driven texting.
I know I have a history of doing this, and I know I'm being a terrible friend who is massively annoying. I keep telling myself not to do it, and that if something is really bothering me I should wait 24 hours to see if it's really a major issue that other people really need to know about. However, I just keep doing it and I can't stop.
Recently I was pressed for time to find an apartment, so I settled and picked the one that best fit my needs for the short term until I can find something else. Unfortunately one of the roommates is pretty socially unaware and woke me up throughout the night by doing various annoying things until 4 AM. There are plenty of other red flags that this is not going to be a great housing situation. I was obviously very upset that I couldn't sleep well before work (I think I got 4 non-consecutive hours total when I was planning on 8). I started having an anxiety attack about how the rest of my time in the apartment is going to go and was triggered to start texting friends in a state of panic.
Obviously this isn't a great situation, but I do feel bad about all the frantic existential crisis texts about I sent out last night and this morning. I get pretty dark about when I'm in that much of a panic, and I feel bad for subjecting other people to that side of me. Besides, it's not like they can do anything to help me. In the future, what is something else I could do to ease my anxiety and desperation in these types of situations instead of texting people?
And yes, I have told the roommate to try to be quiet at night, but I'm not sure I can expect that from this roommate. I have a few strategies to try to deal with the noise that will hopefully work in the future. I'm looking for advice relating to the anxiety-driven texting.
I think it's a natural impulse to want to reach out to others when something is going wrong and it's not a bad thing per se, just needs to be either redirected or done in a more measured way.
When I get the urge to do what you're describing (and I do often) I start to compose an AskMe question in my head. Usually the act of stating the facts as if I'm trying to explain it to someone else helps me see it from outside my storm of emotions and it's either clear that:
- I already know what to do or there's nothing to be done right this second and therefore I can stop actively panicking and focus on getting my mind and body reset to normal. (Eat something, drink some water, take some Tylenol, put on something funny, etc)
- I don't know what to do so i see if google knows or if I need to send a single judicious text or post an AskMe.
posted by bleep at 5:49 PM on March 22, 2019 [6 favorites]
When I get the urge to do what you're describing (and I do often) I start to compose an AskMe question in my head. Usually the act of stating the facts as if I'm trying to explain it to someone else helps me see it from outside my storm of emotions and it's either clear that:
- I already know what to do or there's nothing to be done right this second and therefore I can stop actively panicking and focus on getting my mind and body reset to normal. (Eat something, drink some water, take some Tylenol, put on something funny, etc)
- I don't know what to do so i see if google knows or if I need to send a single judicious text or post an AskMe.
posted by bleep at 5:49 PM on March 22, 2019 [6 favorites]
Have you tried other coping mechanisms like journaling and meditation? Another suggestion is to go to therapy for your anxiety.
posted by saturdaymornings at 5:50 PM on March 22, 2019
posted by saturdaymornings at 5:50 PM on March 22, 2019
Best answer: It's annoying. How do I stop?
Meds?
And maybe get your friends who you are most likely to do this to, to sort of be your accountability people and have a standard text that they send back "Sorry your anxiety is bad. Can we talk tomorrow?" or something. Because reassurance-seeking is basically a classic anxiety thing and could potentially be (see an actual professional, not internet people) a sign of a more OCD-like issue so it's worth investigating.
Because look, I live with this anxiety. And this post is like 60% "I have a question about texting" and 40% "But my living situation is going to be ok right?" which is still more reassurance seeking. And I get it, it's terrible when you feel the rug is getting pulled out from under you, but you have to find a way back into the bigger picture. And how that works depends on what will work for you
- a sort of "swear jar" approach where you're only allowed to text twice after you've meditated for five minutes
- similar but reading this frog and toad story about will power
- have your friends block you (really, only suck your friends into this if you've really exhausted all your other options, this is your issue, not theirs. You seem clear on that just typing it out to be thorough)
- put a HALT sticker on your phone (ask yourself, am I Hungry Angry, Lonely or Tired, all of which are things that exacerbate anxiety)
- get an anonymous twitter account and just VENT into it
- go for a walk
And maybe in other times, write some notes for yourself to read when things seem to be falling apart. Stuff like "Hey you can live with four hours of sleep!" or "Hey you can move in a month if this doesn't work, no one ever died not being able to sleep for a month!" or whatever. I'm usually anxious because I feel like something is making me, for example, unable to sleep and that is going to fuck up this OTHER thing that my brain is convincing me is mission-critical. It probably isn't. So think a little, during a better time, about what youre' really afraid of and see if you can help coach future-you through that when you're feeling less anxious about the whole thing.
posted by jessamyn at 6:00 PM on March 22, 2019 [13 favorites]
Meds?
And maybe get your friends who you are most likely to do this to, to sort of be your accountability people and have a standard text that they send back "Sorry your anxiety is bad. Can we talk tomorrow?" or something. Because reassurance-seeking is basically a classic anxiety thing and could potentially be (see an actual professional, not internet people) a sign of a more OCD-like issue so it's worth investigating.
Because look, I live with this anxiety. And this post is like 60% "I have a question about texting" and 40% "But my living situation is going to be ok right?" which is still more reassurance seeking. And I get it, it's terrible when you feel the rug is getting pulled out from under you, but you have to find a way back into the bigger picture. And how that works depends on what will work for you
- a sort of "swear jar" approach where you're only allowed to text twice after you've meditated for five minutes
- similar but reading this frog and toad story about will power
- have your friends block you (really, only suck your friends into this if you've really exhausted all your other options, this is your issue, not theirs. You seem clear on that just typing it out to be thorough)
- put a HALT sticker on your phone (ask yourself, am I Hungry Angry, Lonely or Tired, all of which are things that exacerbate anxiety)
- get an anonymous twitter account and just VENT into it
- go for a walk
And maybe in other times, write some notes for yourself to read when things seem to be falling apart. Stuff like "Hey you can live with four hours of sleep!" or "Hey you can move in a month if this doesn't work, no one ever died not being able to sleep for a month!" or whatever. I'm usually anxious because I feel like something is making me, for example, unable to sleep and that is going to fuck up this OTHER thing that my brain is convincing me is mission-critical. It probably isn't. So think a little, during a better time, about what youre' really afraid of and see if you can help coach future-you through that when you're feeling less anxious about the whole thing.
posted by jessamyn at 6:00 PM on March 22, 2019 [13 favorites]
Maybe reach out to someone who won't mind getting your messages? 7 Cups of Tea is free service that can connect you with a trainer volunteer listener 24/7. You have to be a little thoughtful about how you use the service - they've added a paid option and I've read some complaints about people not realizing what they were getting themselves into. And of course, you are texting with volunteers - the quality may vary. But I think their core service would be a good match for you so you aren't stewing in your anxiety all alone AND you aren't annoying your friends.
posted by metahawk at 6:35 PM on March 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 6:35 PM on March 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
…do you actually know how your friends feel about this?
I'm asking because "I know I'm being a terrible friend who is massively annoying" is itself a pretty anxiety-sounding thing to say. And also because I imagine there's a lot more nuance there. If I was your friend, there would be some situations where I actually wanted you to reach out ("WTF, why didn't you say something?! Of course I would have helped!") and others where, yeah, I really did want you to handle it yourself.
I'm not trying to do the "Your question is bad and you want the wrong thing" routine. I think wanting to cut down totally makes sense — especially if you've been asked to by your friends, but even if you haven't checked with them and just want to cut down for your own sake.
The thing is, it can be a lot easier to say with someone "Hey, let's recalibrate this part of our friendship and both work towards making it work better" than it is to say unilaterally "Ugh I bet everyone hates this so I'm going to stop doing it all alone with no support or guidance." And that makes me think the best starting point would be to talk to your friends about what they're comfortable with and what they see as healthy or unhealthy for you. They know you, they like you, they probably have opinions, and they can probably offer support.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:09 PM on March 22, 2019 [8 favorites]
I'm asking because "I know I'm being a terrible friend who is massively annoying" is itself a pretty anxiety-sounding thing to say. And also because I imagine there's a lot more nuance there. If I was your friend, there would be some situations where I actually wanted you to reach out ("WTF, why didn't you say something?! Of course I would have helped!") and others where, yeah, I really did want you to handle it yourself.
I'm not trying to do the "Your question is bad and you want the wrong thing" routine. I think wanting to cut down totally makes sense — especially if you've been asked to by your friends, but even if you haven't checked with them and just want to cut down for your own sake.
The thing is, it can be a lot easier to say with someone "Hey, let's recalibrate this part of our friendship and both work towards making it work better" than it is to say unilaterally "Ugh I bet everyone hates this so I'm going to stop doing it all alone with no support or guidance." And that makes me think the best starting point would be to talk to your friends about what they're comfortable with and what they see as healthy or unhealthy for you. They know you, they like you, they probably have opinions, and they can probably offer support.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:09 PM on March 22, 2019 [8 favorites]
The app Woebot might be right up your alley. It's meant as a CBT trainer, but you can totally just text it to have it help you work through your feelings.
posted by hought20 at 8:16 PM on March 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by hought20 at 8:16 PM on March 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
get better friends? get friends who know how to process anxiety? hell, text me?
posted by PinkMoose at 10:40 PM on March 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by PinkMoose at 10:40 PM on March 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
I used to be this person. I may become this person again.
Short term solutions: Text a bot, text someone at 7 Cups of Tea, try to meditate. If possible, exercise.
One thing that helps me a lot: if you can find something grounding, see if you can use that - it's something that you can see, smell, hear, speak, feel, and/or taste that grounds you, and brings you back from the panic. For instance: I have a necklace made of rough lava stone; when I'm feeling anxious, I fondle that, and the texture and temperature of the stone brings me back and calms me down. In the past I've used music, and/or something to drink. (I used to use strong black coffee as the grounding item, but that's not good right at bedtime!)
Another thing that works for me is chanting a phrase over and over, until I calm down. It doesn't have to be anything profound; when I feel myself spiraling up, I'll rattle off musician names until I can tell that I've calmed down. (For instance, I hate bridges. When I walk over one, I'll sometimes chant 'Jim Moginie, Rob Hirst, Bones Hillman. Jim Moginie, Martin Rotsey, Bones Hillman, Peter Garrett.' over and over, under my breath. You don't have to rattle off the members of Midnight Oil; anything that easily comes to mind will work.)
For long term solutions, I ended up on Citalopram, which works for me as both an antidepressant and an antianxiety. That + therapy (to explore the triggers for the panic attacks) + meditation = no more panic attacks, unless I'm in a situation that's truly overwhelming. I find the meditation crucial, and I try to do at least a little bit every day.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:43 PM on March 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
Short term solutions: Text a bot, text someone at 7 Cups of Tea, try to meditate. If possible, exercise.
One thing that helps me a lot: if you can find something grounding, see if you can use that - it's something that you can see, smell, hear, speak, feel, and/or taste that grounds you, and brings you back from the panic. For instance: I have a necklace made of rough lava stone; when I'm feeling anxious, I fondle that, and the texture and temperature of the stone brings me back and calms me down. In the past I've used music, and/or something to drink. (I used to use strong black coffee as the grounding item, but that's not good right at bedtime!)
Another thing that works for me is chanting a phrase over and over, until I calm down. It doesn't have to be anything profound; when I feel myself spiraling up, I'll rattle off musician names until I can tell that I've calmed down. (For instance, I hate bridges. When I walk over one, I'll sometimes chant 'Jim Moginie, Rob Hirst, Bones Hillman. Jim Moginie, Martin Rotsey, Bones Hillman, Peter Garrett.' over and over, under my breath. You don't have to rattle off the members of Midnight Oil; anything that easily comes to mind will work.)
For long term solutions, I ended up on Citalopram, which works for me as both an antidepressant and an antianxiety. That + therapy (to explore the triggers for the panic attacks) + meditation = no more panic attacks, unless I'm in a situation that's truly overwhelming. I find the meditation crucial, and I try to do at least a little bit every day.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:43 PM on March 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
Reddit.
I have to say i'm quite chill about people contacting me when it comes to things like this. Did they say they didn't like it or are you just looking for an internal coping mechanism?
For me if I am stressed out I just journal in Word until it's out of my system. It's too much crazy for others to deal with. Could you write those texts to yourself? What are you expecting from them? Just to calm you down? You know when others calm you down it's really just yourself doing that. You're just giving space for the "it's okay it'll be fine" voice to be heard and then agreeing with it. It's your own voice. It's not something you need to outsource.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 11:21 PM on March 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
I have to say i'm quite chill about people contacting me when it comes to things like this. Did they say they didn't like it or are you just looking for an internal coping mechanism?
For me if I am stressed out I just journal in Word until it's out of my system. It's too much crazy for others to deal with. Could you write those texts to yourself? What are you expecting from them? Just to calm you down? You know when others calm you down it's really just yourself doing that. You're just giving space for the "it's okay it'll be fine" voice to be heard and then agreeing with it. It's your own voice. It's not something you need to outsource.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 11:21 PM on March 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: To answer a question: I mostly do it as a way to vent when something really upsets me, but sometimes I take it too far and start to spiral and then feel guilty about it afterwards. I think this mostly happens in times where either I can't get up and go for a walk, or I have a HALT issue, meaning I need to sleep/eat/be around other people, but for whatever reason I can't do that at that moment. I can't think of a time I've ever done this when I could eat/walk/see people I like. It mostly only happens when I'm isolated for whatever reason.
No one has specifically said it bothers them, but it's still not something I want to continue doing.
Thanks everyone for giving me a some things to think about! I'll try a few of the things you've mentioned.
posted by Penguin48 at 7:44 AM on March 23, 2019
No one has specifically said it bothers them, but it's still not something I want to continue doing.
Thanks everyone for giving me a some things to think about! I'll try a few of the things you've mentioned.
posted by Penguin48 at 7:44 AM on March 23, 2019
I had success writing things out while giving myself full permission to send them in an hour or two.
Most of the time I didn’t send them. Sometimes I did, but often to a small subset of people.
In the long run the best solution for me was to work my butt off in therapy and reach the point where panic attacks are nowhere near the factor they once were in my life.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:46 PM on March 23, 2019
Most of the time I didn’t send them. Sometimes I did, but often to a small subset of people.
In the long run the best solution for me was to work my butt off in therapy and reach the point where panic attacks are nowhere near the factor they once were in my life.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:46 PM on March 23, 2019
You might find it useful to read some of the DBT materials about distress tolerance. There are some good lists in there of things-you-can-do-to-keep-from-losing-your-shit, some of which include deniable things that you can do in a public situation you can't just walk out of.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:57 AM on March 27, 2019
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:57 AM on March 27, 2019
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There are also chat bot apps you can text if you think that might be an easier step down.
posted by phunniemee at 5:37 PM on March 22, 2019 [3 favorites]