My partner is reacting to my visit to rehab in unexpected ways
March 12, 2019 1:40 AM Subscribe
This is me. I've bit the bullet, been accepted and am willing to do the hard yards. But my partner keeps telling me it's going to be horrible (I know, right, I'm the one with social anxiety) and it might not work (well, yeah, I've failed every attempt to quit by myself in the past). I've asked him to try to be positive, because I need my own blind faith going in, or it can't work, and he doesn't understand how much he undermines my motivation every time he brings up a concern. We're at an impasse now, I won't discuss it with him anymore, but he's my closest friend, so I can't say "I had a nightmare about it last night" without him pointing out that it's going to be awful and might not work. Any suggestions?
He apparently likes you the way you are. You don't like you the way you are and you want to change and learn how to feel good without drinking. He is determined to undermine your resolve. You may well have to move out of this relationship.
posted by mareli at 3:29 AM on March 12, 2019 [23 favorites]
posted by mareli at 3:29 AM on March 12, 2019 [23 favorites]
I don't know if this is the case, but if your partner is an alcoholic, this is almost certainly 100% about them not wanting to face their own issues, and it's unlikely that they will ever be supportive. I feel like the people best placed to help you wrap your head around this will be AA (or similar) members who are mentoring people in exactly your position and who have been through the same struggle. You need to find that support group, and certainly rehab or associated resources should introduce you to them. Good luck! You've already been very strong; you can do this!
posted by taz at 3:34 AM on March 12, 2019 [26 favorites]
posted by taz at 3:34 AM on March 12, 2019 [26 favorites]
A change to a relationship, even a beneficial one for the loved partner, can be seen as a threat to expectations of how the relationship operates. It sounds like you've expressed you need for support. Can you ask him why he's having so much trouble supporting you in this difficult thing? Also, terretu's suggestion of turning the scenario around.
Take care of yourself first - you're trying to do something positive that you recognize is the right thing to do. That may mean doing things to protect yourself and your needs that require distance from people who cannot support that. The good news is, there will be people who do support that and you will find them.
Stay strong. You can do this.
posted by kokaku at 4:39 AM on March 12, 2019 [4 favorites]
Take care of yourself first - you're trying to do something positive that you recognize is the right thing to do. That may mean doing things to protect yourself and your needs that require distance from people who cannot support that. The good news is, there will be people who do support that and you will find them.
Stay strong. You can do this.
posted by kokaku at 4:39 AM on March 12, 2019 [4 favorites]
It kind of sounds like he doesn't know of anything else to say about rehab, and is just regurgitating the same few lines every time the subject comes up. (Unless he's got an addiction too, in which case yeah, definitely that's what this is about.) If he were asking, my suggestion would be to immerse himself in non-negative information about rehab, like someone's recovery memoir, and stay far away from popular media portrayals or even statistics to help reprogram his own brain with confident, happy narratives he can then share with you when you need them. He's of course welcome to his own thoughts inside his own head (though he'd probably feel better about you going if he could genuinely hold a more nuanced view), but needs to lay off that talk around you. Since you're the one asking: I'm proud of you for telling him what you need, and if he can't provide it, then I'm glad you've at least shut down the active negativity source and think you ought to seek out positivity from someone else who won't egg on your nightmares.
posted by teremala at 5:17 AM on March 12, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by teremala at 5:17 AM on March 12, 2019 [3 favorites]
You have probably had the experience of rooting for someone doing something difficult and watching them being undermined by their partner, helpless to do anything about it. That's how this feels to me. I really want you to keep going, because it's the thing that you've decided will be most likely to help you. I believe that you know yourself better than your partner does.
Not every closest friend can provide the right support in every situation. Your partner has demonstrated that they are not able this time, in this situation, to provide the support you need - whether that's because of fear or addiction or something else. So stop asking them. Get the support you need from your second-closest friend, or an AA meeting, or from us, or from anywhere else, and live with the impasse for the time being. And then you will go in to rehab and the experience will be what it is and when you come out you will be in a better place to make decisions about what you want to do going forward.
You are a worthwhile and valuable person who has made a considered decision about what they want to do about a problem they have. You can do this.
posted by plonkee at 5:30 AM on March 12, 2019 [7 favorites]
Not every closest friend can provide the right support in every situation. Your partner has demonstrated that they are not able this time, in this situation, to provide the support you need - whether that's because of fear or addiction or something else. So stop asking them. Get the support you need from your second-closest friend, or an AA meeting, or from us, or from anywhere else, and live with the impasse for the time being. And then you will go in to rehab and the experience will be what it is and when you come out you will be in a better place to make decisions about what you want to do going forward.
You are a worthwhile and valuable person who has made a considered decision about what they want to do about a problem they have. You can do this.
posted by plonkee at 5:30 AM on March 12, 2019 [7 favorites]
He might not go for it, but ask him to check out a CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous) meeting.
You can also bring it up with your counselor and see if they have any tips.
People don't see it as a disease, but would they be telling you to ignore doctor's orders if you had cancer and needed chemo?
You have to focus on yourself and not managing his feelings, so don't try too hard at your own expense. At the very least, tell him to keep his negative comments to himself or seek his own counselor about it.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:36 AM on March 12, 2019
You can also bring it up with your counselor and see if they have any tips.
People don't see it as a disease, but would they be telling you to ignore doctor's orders if you had cancer and needed chemo?
You have to focus on yourself and not managing his feelings, so don't try too hard at your own expense. At the very least, tell him to keep his negative comments to himself or seek his own counselor about it.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:36 AM on March 12, 2019
"Any suggestions?"
Yes, two. One, desist imagining that you can change him, and two, realize that he can't change you, either.
Rephrase this: "he undermines my motivation every time he brings up a concern." No, he doesn't. He can't. To make this accurate, add a "tries to" after "he."
And then, to achieve your goal, add a "but he doesn't succeed" at the end.
He doesn't have any power to change your motivation. You can tell yourself he has the capacity to keep you from doing the scary new thing and to get you to continue to do the comfortable old thing, but it's not actually true. The truth is, it's you keeping you from doing the scary new thing. He's going to keep on yodeling the same stuff because that's been his role in this all along--to offer you ready-made excuses to avoid short-term pain. You are trying to change your role and become a person who does not avoid short-term pain. You can do that. You can do the scary thing, stop doing the comfortable thing, and you can get better. He has nothing whatever to do with whether you decide to do that or not.
It is worth doing. Sure, it might not be a magical perfect whole life fix, but that doesn't mean it won't work on some level, and why does it have to be awful? It doesn't. I know a few people who've been through it a number of times and it's absolutely not always awful, and when it is awful, it's never all awful. It's something new to try. You'll get something out of it even if it doesn't "work" in the afterschoolspecial way.
posted by Don Pepino at 6:20 AM on March 12, 2019 [9 favorites]
Yes, two. One, desist imagining that you can change him, and two, realize that he can't change you, either.
Rephrase this: "he undermines my motivation every time he brings up a concern." No, he doesn't. He can't. To make this accurate, add a "tries to" after "he."
And then, to achieve your goal, add a "but he doesn't succeed" at the end.
He doesn't have any power to change your motivation. You can tell yourself he has the capacity to keep you from doing the scary new thing and to get you to continue to do the comfortable old thing, but it's not actually true. The truth is, it's you keeping you from doing the scary new thing. He's going to keep on yodeling the same stuff because that's been his role in this all along--to offer you ready-made excuses to avoid short-term pain. You are trying to change your role and become a person who does not avoid short-term pain. You can do that. You can do the scary thing, stop doing the comfortable thing, and you can get better. He has nothing whatever to do with whether you decide to do that or not.
It is worth doing. Sure, it might not be a magical perfect whole life fix, but that doesn't mean it won't work on some level, and why does it have to be awful? It doesn't. I know a few people who've been through it a number of times and it's absolutely not always awful, and when it is awful, it's never all awful. It's something new to try. You'll get something out of it even if it doesn't "work" in the afterschoolspecial way.
posted by Don Pepino at 6:20 AM on March 12, 2019 [9 favorites]
How would he react if you said "I really need you to stay positive and supportive about my treatment choices, even if you've got concerns or you're anxious about it. I can't be the sounding board for your anxiety about this at the moment, so you're going to need to share your negative feelings with someone who isn't me for the time being."?
I think this is a great approach. You have overcome your fears in taking this leap, it is too much to ask of you to overcome your partners for them as well. That is their job.
Rehab does work. I have seen it and know more than one person it worked for the first time. And i know people who it didn't work the first time but they didnt' give up and it worked the next time. I am not saying it was a breeze for any of those people and not saying there weren't times when they wavered, but they changed their lives and you can too.
Definitely bring up his outlook to your counselors while you are admitted, they can help give you the tools to deal with your situation post rehab.
posted by domino at 7:37 AM on March 12, 2019 [4 favorites]
I think this is a great approach. You have overcome your fears in taking this leap, it is too much to ask of you to overcome your partners for them as well. That is their job.
Rehab does work. I have seen it and know more than one person it worked for the first time. And i know people who it didn't work the first time but they didnt' give up and it worked the next time. I am not saying it was a breeze for any of those people and not saying there weren't times when they wavered, but they changed their lives and you can too.
Definitely bring up his outlook to your counselors while you are admitted, they can help give you the tools to deal with your situation post rehab.
posted by domino at 7:37 AM on March 12, 2019 [4 favorites]
he doesn't understand how much he undermines my motivation every time he brings up a concern
I'm not so sure this is true. As others have said, it's entirely likely that he's super threatened by an imminent change like this, especially if he's also an alcoholic (I can't tell if this is the same person you called your flatmate in your last question). I think you may have to accept, as hard as it is, that he's not someone you can talk to about this. And that sucks, and it's hard. But you're already doing hard things that may suck, and you're being really fucking brave about it, so I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions except to add this to the pile.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:41 AM on March 12, 2019 [3 favorites]
I'm not so sure this is true. As others have said, it's entirely likely that he's super threatened by an imminent change like this, especially if he's also an alcoholic (I can't tell if this is the same person you called your flatmate in your last question). I think you may have to accept, as hard as it is, that he's not someone you can talk to about this. And that sucks, and it's hard. But you're already doing hard things that may suck, and you're being really fucking brave about it, so I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions except to add this to the pile.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:41 AM on March 12, 2019 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry that your partner doesn't have your back. You sound incredibly smart and self-aware, and you're doing something that's incredibly scary, and you deserve all the support in the world.
Counselling Online offers free, confidential, 24-7 online text-based counseling for people anywhere in Australia who are affected by alcohol and/or drugs.*
It's government funded and operated by an agency called Turning Point. I can't vouch for it specifically, but similar services in the U.S. have helped me a lot when I've had flare-ups of depression and anxiety.
If you'd rather talk to someone by phone, here's a list of 24-hour Alcohol and Drug Information Services in each Australian state.
* A link in your last question led me to conclude that you are Australian. If I'm wrong, feel free to disregard any irrelevant info.
posted by virago at 9:49 AM on March 12, 2019
Counselling Online offers free, confidential, 24-7 online text-based counseling for people anywhere in Australia who are affected by alcohol and/or drugs.*
It's government funded and operated by an agency called Turning Point. I can't vouch for it specifically, but similar services in the U.S. have helped me a lot when I've had flare-ups of depression and anxiety.
If you'd rather talk to someone by phone, here's a list of 24-hour Alcohol and Drug Information Services in each Australian state.
* A link in your last question led me to conclude that you are Australian. If I'm wrong, feel free to disregard any irrelevant info.
posted by virago at 9:49 AM on March 12, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
How would he react if you said "I really need you to stay positive and supportive about my treatment choices, even if you've got concerns or you're anxious about it. I can't be the sounding board for your anxiety about this at the moment, so you're going to need to share your negative feelings with someone who isn't me for the time being."?
Hopefully you can have that conversation productively. If not, it sounds like your partner's attitude may be a threat to your sobriety; this is definitely worth discussing as part of your treatment.
posted by terretu at 2:30 AM on March 12, 2019 [20 favorites]