talk less, smile more

February 19, 2019 3:17 AM

I talk a lot, especially when I'm feeling comfortable, happy or confident. What's the key to talking less? Mindfulness? What are some techniques you have used to help you just be quieter?

I'm quite extroverted. When I'm in a good place emotionally, I talk a lot. I do ask questions and engage with other people, it just seems that my default response to things is to talk. Even when I listen, I listen actively with lots of questions and nods and "me too!"s and "I know! One time a similar thing happened to me" etc.

I've never received (as yet) any feedback from people to say that this annoys them - in fact I would go so far as to say I'm well-liked by many (or at least it said so in my last annual performance review)... but I'm sure it must be annoying/overwhelming to some. I notice this tendency tends to become exaggerated when I really, really like a person (as in, when I am romantically interested), and in cases like that, I think it would be better to tone it down.

This doesn't happen at all when I'm feeling unsure of myself; I'm much more subdued. How can I learn to be subdued when I feel good? I don't want to overwhelm people, but I feel like my personality as it stands is just a bit... much.

I should be clear: I'm not talking overly in inappropriate settings, e.g. when other people are working. This is simply in social interactions.

If you could go into some detail about the technique you suggest that would a lot more helpful than a one-word answer like 'mindfulness'. Thanks in advance.

posted by sockandawe to Human Relations (7 answers total)

I don‘t think there‘s a magic trick other than „pay attention“. As in, use pauses where the other one talks to assess
- am I doing more than half the talking?
- do they look interested?
- Are they actively participating or are they just nodding along and smiling?
- Am I happy or am I just filling the air because otherwise there would be an awkward silence?

Do this multiple times during the conversation, get into the habit.

There‘s no one rule, I mean, it can be fun to let the other person - you - do the talking. Many quieter people will find you relaxing.
But sometimes people just give up talking themselves and that‘s a pity. And sometimes you‘d like the other person to contribute more, but you‘ve gotten the conversation into a rut where it‘s hard for you to take a step back.

So I guess, get into the habit of observing how you feel and how they seem to feel about the conversation.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:30 AM on February 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

Oh, hi, me. Yeah, this is something I work on a lot. I haven't developed a system that works when I'm with old friends or people I'm really close with, but I also don't worry as much about it, because A) they know what they're getting into, and B) they are the ones who know me well enough to either call me on it or interrupt me when I need it.

But with new people I'm excited about, it helps to keep the idea of wanting to hear their stories/opinions on the front of my mind. I don't think I'm ever going to stop being an active listener--people who can't deal with that are just not a good fit for close friends for me. But when I meet someone new or spend time with someone I'm getting to know, I specifically focus on wanting to know more about them, which inclines me to ask them questions and listen carefully to the answers, to notice when I've told an anecdote and it's not my turn anymore.

Keeping *them* as the focus of the conversation is my strategy, even if we're talking about something else. Like, if we're talking about movies, I want to know what they've seen and what they thought of it and what their favorite movies are. If I keep my focus there, the conversation tends to end up balanced.

I don't know if that will help you, but I know just where you're coming from, so good luck!
posted by gideonfrog at 5:44 AM on February 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

Anne Lamott has a little mantra I use all the time, called W.A.I.T. It stands for "Why am I talking?" and lets you quickly check if you are looking for validation, afraid of being left out, trying to insert yourself in someone else's moment, etc. Sometimes the reason you're talking is great, and then have at it! But I find when I feel this urge coming on (especially when I'm excited about something) I just W.A.I.T. and it keeps my more .... annoying ....impulses in check.
posted by nkknkk at 5:55 AM on February 19, 2019 [8 favorites]

If you're a woman, and not suffering from a neurological condition that impairs social interaction, you are probably not talking too much, even if you're absorbing a sort of general social message that you probably are.
posted by praemunire at 9:58 AM on February 19, 2019 [5 favorites]

I don't think it sounds like you're doing anything wrong and I'm not sure why you feel the need to change.

You're well liked and can control this tendency when called for. You haven't had any bad feedback or even noticed a panicked look on someone's face as far as I can tell. You feel sure that you're 'a bit much'. But what are you basing that on?

You sound warm, enthusiastic and fun. I'm sure you're not for everyone, but who is?

Maybe give yourself a break and enjoy yourself instead of hiding your light under a bushel :)
posted by Dwardles at 10:30 AM on February 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

I also don't think it sounds like you're doing anything wrong. I love talking to people like you! I frequently feel like I talk too much when I'm excited about a person or a topic, but I've yet to be called on it so . . .I suspect people are more ok with this than you think? As long as you give them a turn to talk and demonstrate that you are interested in their thoughts and experiences as well.

If you are feeling self-conscious about it, maybe just ask more exploratory questions of person you are talking to -- don't immediately respond with a similar story of your own, keep the focus on the other person for longer than you might ordinarily. Don't overdo it or it will start to feel like an interview!

The world needs people like you because lots of people are not good at keeping a conversation engaging. I can be quite introverted at times, and it's nice to talk with people who can move a conversation along without me having to do all the heavy lifting.
posted by ananci at 10:53 AM on February 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

I've been chattering all day because there's someone new and interesting in my life, so I get this. My take is that this is who I am. Any current or potential romantic partner, most of all, needs to be okay with a chatterbox or else this thing isn't going to have legs. One of the great things is when you find someone who has a similar or compatible communication style. For me, those folks tend to be, but aren't always from, the same part of the country where I grew up. They are also often extroverts like me, though I've met a few alleged introverts who can easily match my chattiness, once they're good friends with someone.

A former romantic partner (one of the chatty alleged introverts, in fact!) once described this as me being "sparkly." So, I say ... own it.

However, sometimes I interact, socially, with folks who seem to have a different communication style, who aren't so quick to jump in and start chattering away themselves. One thing I do is check in occasionally if I feel like I've been talking up a storm. If my date or partner or whatever says, "No, I like it!" than I just go with that. I'm counting on these folks being honest. Sometimes I might prompt them in advance, "I'm pretty excited to tell you about X, Y, and Z. Let me know if need me to take a breather."

That's all I got. Good luck!
posted by bluedaisy at 1:04 PM on February 19, 2019