Can I be racist for a minute?

February 16, 2019 7:12 AM

I heard my coworker say this and then follow up with a comment. I’m uncomfortable. But should I say anything?

I’m one of the very few people of color in my new-ish (3 months) job. The job culture has turned out to be really toxic despite my best efforts to screen and ask a bunch of questions at the interview, so I’m looking for a new job. In the meantime, I have to stay as I don’t have enough savings to leave.

My team is very...conservative I’ve come to find out. They’re also miserable, but they have all been there for 8+ years and don’t feel like leaving. When I first joined, a coworker said “Just wait, you’ll be miserable like the rest of us, we’ll break you in.” I guess this was supposed to be funny? But I can’t find the humor as a brand new hire. They say this to other hires as well. Turns out my office has high turnover!

Anyways, this coworker is very senior to us all and pretty much is my boss’s best friend. She likes to lecture me about non-work things like life choices, the perils of tattoos, and my relationship as I’m the youngest on the team, but I just smile and ignore as best as I can. She is also uncomfortably obsessed with all things “ethnic” as she has told me, because she once lived in Chicago and after that, she realized she needed “more color in her life.” So...I guess that’s me.

On Friday, we were all at our desks and it’s an open office, so you can hear everyone’s conversations clearly. This coworker was speaking to another about a future trip to Chinatown (they have to go to NYC for work) and said “Can I be racist about Asian people for a minute?” And then she whispered and they both laughed and said “Yeah, they’re terrible.”

I am Asian. She knows this. I am also right next to their desk and can obviously hear them, but not their whispered comment. I have no clue what they said, but I can’t imagine anything that follows that statement is good?

I felt immediately uncomfortable (my face was behind my monitor) but didn’t know what to do. The moment had passed to say “What was that?” And I got called from my desk for a task right after. I have no allies in this work place. I do work for a state agency, but our HR apparently is non-existent. This is not the only comment my coworkers have made that have crossed a weird line, but it was the most recent one and made me feel the most uncomfortable.

Since I have no idea what their comment was (but who starts with can I be racist?? It wouldn’t have set off alarm bells had it been any other phrase!) do I have any right to be bothered? Should I say anything to the coworker acknowledging that I heard her and she should not say those things? I know this will make the rest of my time miserable at work if I do say something. But I also am so tired of my workplace, I’m looking for a new job, and maybe this will give me a paper trail so no one is surprised I left? (My boss loves me and every day she begs me not to quit because she “knows that things can be a little crazy in here” :( ) Any advice on what to do or not do?

posted by socky bottoms to Work & Money (24 answers total)

Uh, FUCK YEAH, you have a right to be bothered.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:19 AM on February 16, 2019 [42 favorites]

You're totally right to be bothered, and I'd also do nothing about it because you're already on your way out. Keep looking for that new job, and give notice once you get it. You don't need a paper trail to leave, and it doesn't matter if anyone at this job is surprised when you go.

It's lovely that your boss is nice and that she doesn't want you to go, but saying that "things can be a little crazy in here" does not equal actually, you know, managing. So she shouldn't be surprised either when you leave.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:33 AM on February 16, 2019 [23 favorites]

Yes, you have a right to be bothered. Since the workplace is deeply dysfunctional and your boss is apparently powerless to change that, the best you can hope to get out of it is a good reference from her. Get good headphones, hunker down, and start drafting a letter to the head of the state agency and/or your state representatives that you can drop in the mail once you're out of the door.
posted by holgate at 7:42 AM on February 16, 2019 [8 favorites]

It doesn't matter what the original comment is. The follow-up of "yeah, they are terrible" is way more than enough to cross the line of acceptability.

As for bringing it up... that's a bit harder. What do you want to get out of it? Do you want your co-workers to be punished? Do you want to prevent them from saying racist things? Or do you want to make your remaining time at this already crazy job as easy as possible?

Personally, I would lean towards bringing it up. Not because it would cause positive change but because it would eat away at me that I did nothing. Do you think that would be the case for you?

However, I would not bring this up to the coworker directly. Bring it up to your boss and let her deal with it. That is her job. If she loves you and wants to keep you from quitting then she will address the issue.
posted by nolnacs at 7:45 AM on February 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Oops, I want to clarify, my boss isn’t really nice (she can be at times), but she does desperately want me to stay. She participates in the same problematic behavior as my coworkers, just a little bit more removed. I’m afraid with my boss being close friends with that coworker, telling her might backfire?

What do I want to get out of it? I guess I want that coworker to be aware that I heard her comment (whatever it was) and I don’t want her making those comments. Since I started working there, I get this off feeling that she feels emboldened by working with a person of color—like she suddenly gets friend of color and thus, can say awful stuff freely. “Well now that you’ve joined, I can tell you about all the ethnic foods I enjoy! The other white people don’t understand.” Is literally what she said to me.

I guess I’m also tired of all the comments and this one seems like the most solid “This is uncomfortable” comment that I can push back against. Thanks for the comments so far. I’ll be thinking about what to do.
posted by socky bottoms at 7:52 AM on February 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

IANAL but consider keeping a log of any comments or actions like this. Keep the log at home and record the basics of who, what, when, where, how it made you feel, and any reactions/followup from others. You might find yourself in a situation where it would be good to have a record.
posted by mcduff at 7:52 AM on February 16, 2019 [13 favorites]

There are many issues at work that can be resolved by open communication with the company's management. This is issue that should not exist and hence should require zero interaction with company's management.

I think you have two reasonable courses of action. I would not fault you for taking either.

1. Go to your coworker and say, "your comments have been inappropriate - stop now". Note there's no conditional here (this is not a favor, this is you expecting a safe workplace) and there's no justification of your request (she should realize they are racist and illegal). If she doesn't stop immediately, notify management. On the second instance of an inappropriate comment, quit immediately.
2. Quit immediately anyway. An organization that fails to communicate to workers that comments like these are illegal and create an unsafe workplace is failing at even its most basic HR requirements. That's a problem even for the smallest of businesses. I suspect such an organization is not going to improve, as they are already failing at their most basic requirements.

This is not something you should be questioning yourself over. Those sorts of interactions are inappropriate, full stop, and you should be offended that your workplace is not protecting you against those interactions. This is an area where you should realize the behavior needs to stop immediately and forever more into the future (ie, option 1) or that the organization is already broken and you should prepare to find a better place to work (ie, option 2).
posted by saeculorum at 8:02 AM on February 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

>do I have any right to be bothered?

Ha! That's funny. Yeah, you're surrounded by assholes, it'd be odd if you weren't bothered.

Unfortunately, if you need to keep getting this paycheck until you arrange another one, I'd probably say don't bring it up with anybody. Your co-workers aren't going to examine the contents of their souls, HR isn't going to reinvent your workplace, and your boss's best friend isn't going to get reprimanded. If anything happens to anybody, it'll be you. Or so I suspect. File a detailed complaint with any outside authority you can complain to, after you're out the door.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 8:04 AM on February 16, 2019 [14 favorites]

What would make you feel less awful? If it were me, I'd look at it through that lens. It may be that saying nothing but knowing that you're working to get out of there and just want to keep your head down in the meantime feels like the less-awful choice. It may be that saying something because why give a fuck if you're out of there anyway feels like the less-awful choice. I think both are totally valid choices.

This woman is the one in the wrong. Do what you need to do to feel ok with your own choices.
posted by lazuli at 8:14 AM on February 16, 2019 [7 favorites]

Sounds like a nightmare. When I was feeling particularly friendless and bullied at work, my therapist advised me to get a journal and be very obvious about taking notes of all professional interactions. It made people more careful about what they asked for and said around me. YMMV.
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:38 AM on February 16, 2019 [5 favorites]

Since I have no idea what their comment was (but who starts with can I be racist?? It wouldn’t have set off alarm bells had it been any other phrase!) do I have any right to be bothered? Should I say anything to the coworker acknowledging that I heard her and she should not say those things? I know this will make the rest of my time miserable at work if I do say something

What they said was idiotic. Your coworkers were having a moment where they wanted to feel superior. That's unfortunate for them. Not for you. It's rude and it's offensive. However, you don't have to feel offended if you're not, and if you don't want to. I work with the public and many say offensive things -- patients hit on me or say something inappropriate about my hair or other people -- some racist and ignorant comments about other patients. I chalk it up to people being narrow minded, fearful, and plain dumb. Not too feel superior to them but to realize that they are viewing things from a place of ignorance.

Never be afraid to confront on the spot. When I was younger I was afraid to say something. Nowadays I pipe up and say something. I work with the public and most of the time I know that I can't change hearts or minds but I still say something. I want to let them know immediately that I am not on their page. It can be a "not appropriate". It can be a friendly reminder. It can be a plain: "that's offensive." It can be a correction. I have a client who wears a towel on his head for sweat when he exercises. Sometimes I have other clients who say something about him being muslim. Most of the time I ignore because it's not worth my time to correct such a stupid comment, and I don't want to violate client privacy. Sometimes I do feel contempt and ignore and walk away. Sometimes I violate privacy and say: "He's from the Philippines. He could be muslim but he's catholic." I could probably come up with something better but I'm trying to remind them that their stereotype is incorrect and I don't find their stupid towel on the head muslim comment funny or appropriate.

You can always talk with your coworker and tell her you heard what she said and tell her why it made you feel uncomfortable and why it's inappropriate. She might feel miserable about it and she might try to make your life miserable but maybe not. You don't have to feel miserable about anything. Misery is a state of mind.
posted by loveandhappiness at 8:51 AM on February 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

She said that next to your desk, then whispered? She's deliberately being provocative. I'd be icily polite to her. She's a coworker and you're quitting your job as soon as possible. Record down what she says and does, tell her you only want to have professional conversations and just be polite. Frozen chillingly polite. No personal warmth or conversation with her. If it makes her uncomfortable, she damn well knows why.

The journal is a great idea. I have a friend working in an office with some racist sexist jerks at the moment and her method is to do as much as possible via email so it's written down when they say something particularly bone-headed, or to send them a follow-up note via email after they've said something to note what they've said and her Icily Polite response. Amazingly, most of them still respond to continue their idiocy.

Good luck on your job search.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 9:15 AM on February 16, 2019 [4 favorites]

I am so sorry. Whether or not you confront that racist co-worker is up to you.

But I would document what happened, because when you do quit, you can list it as one of the reasons.

You say you work for a state agency. What state official do they report to? When you are ready to leave, make sure that person or their office is aware of these incidents; it wouldn't hurt to point out that your agency has high turnover, which wastes taxpayer money, and that a hostile, dysfunctional workplace is the likely cause.

But don't expect much if you do this. Your job is not to fix this place. If you want to, you can at most leave behind some documentation that will help future, better management fix it.

Take care of yourself first of all, and focus on getting what you need from this job until you can leave.
posted by emjaybee at 11:55 AM on February 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

I don't think you're required to push back against any of these comments if you don't want to. One of my friends pushed back against similar comments (amongst other things) and was fired for "not understanding the work culture," so be careful if you think that's a possibility. You're fully entitled to just keep your head down, because if your workplace is this toxic there's a good chance you won't be able to make any headway on your own.

If you can submit a report on this behavior, you should feel free to submit a report. I also want to add that if you are NOT planning to submit a report on the behavior, don't journal about it. That will only make you concentrate on their behavior during non-work hours, and you will feel even worse. As SOON as you get out of work, think about or tell someone about one good thing that happened that day. If you can't think of anything even ok that happened, go read a book, visit a park, see friends, do one thing that makes you happy. I've been in toxic work situations before, and it sucked my soul and ruined my close relationships because I couldn't get out fast enough and I was still learning how to not talk about work frustrations at home.
posted by Penguin48 at 12:07 PM on February 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

I hate that feeling of having overheard something objectionable, not piping up in the moment, then feeling guilty or frustrated with myself afterward. In some situations there's a way to bring it up afterwards; in other situations, that's not really possible or ideal. In those cases, I make a vow to myself that I will remember the guilt/frustration, and that I'll use it as motivation to say something the next time I overhear a comment like this. You can't change the past but you can commit to taking different action in the future. For me, that has helped with feelings of futility & guilt.
posted by attentionplease at 12:20 PM on February 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

I don't think this is yet at manager level intervention, but don't seat silently and bear the brunt of your coworkers' ignorance.

You definitely have a right to be angry and bothered. That does not mean you need to make a scene, but don;t bottle up those feelings: don't let these comments pass through unanswered if it's going to eat at you later. It does not need to be a full confrontation: all these questions you have, dump them at their door, because they are the ones that should be answering. If another of these happens at lunch with your boss and more coworkers, it's an opportunity to find out what kind of people you are working with: "why would you think that BLAH, in my experience....".

If you are alone and she says "these other white friends of mine don't like your food, but I do", that could be an opportunity to dig up and maybe defuse some of that stuff by asking "how so?" (not from a passive aggressive stance but from a puzzle you are trying to figure out)

Take those times when you speak up for the "small" stuff as opportunities to train and talk for yourself when the real stuff becomes apparent later (I hope not), or as ways to get a feel for how your workplace really is, beyond maybe a coworker that is trying to bother you.

You probably will not get any meaningful answer, but maybe other coworkers will chime in. Or maybe they'll say something equally dumb that you can ask about again. And it will help you determine if the situation needs manager intervention, and/or getting out of there as soon as possible.

A bit unrelated, but don't let your coworkers' description of their situation affect your views of your work. If it's so bad and depressing how come they have stayed 8+ years? Don't fall for that trap, and observe objectively and make a decision for yourself.
posted by haemanu at 12:56 PM on February 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'm of the opinion that not all comments about common characteristics of groups are automatically racist, though that is the default position of H.R. departments. So, to be as generous as possible, I can imagine a situation where "can I be racist for a minute?" really means "can I mention something that our idiot overlords would say is racist that sn't?" But. That isn't what you described. That actually sounds quite racist.

As others suggested, I'd journal everything possible, remembering to include times and dates. I would then seek legal representation, because free advice from internet strangers is not known for its reliability, and then I would follow their advice. Good luck, especially with finding another job.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 12:58 PM on February 16, 2019 [1 favorite]

Wow, this is just horrible! If course you feel bothered, hurt, uncomfortable. These people are intentional a$$Holes, and it's good you are working to get out soon. As others have mentioned, definitely document. As for if/how to communicate to this coworker....as a non-confrontational person, I'd still have to say something. Start with the next time she says something racist. A mild comment, like "really?" Or "I cant believe you just said that...." might work, doesnt even have to be directed at her, just loud enough so she can hear, or you may need to ramp it up and just be blunt, "could you just stop mentioning my race, please." Be comfortable with the silence that ensues, and she will probably then act as if she doesn't know what you mean. Explain it, as if to kindergartner, dont let her gaslight you. You have figure out what's comfortable for you, and practice in your head before the next time, so you're ready. Good luck, this is a very difficult situation to be in!
posted by j810c at 1:05 PM on February 16, 2019 [1 favorite]

IANAL Workplace harassment may also consist of offensive conduct based on one or more of the protected groups above that is so severe or pervasive that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as being fired or demoted).
The comment about food is pretty bad, and the Can I be racist event is unacceptable, and these people are moving towards a persistent and pervasive situation. Write down the details, who was present, what was said. Email it to yourself to create a timestamped account of the event. Do this for every microagression or outright aggression. Documenting is helpful if you ever choose to take action.

I would respond with side-eye or What did you say? because they will get worse if you don't respond. If it continues this way, you have a case for harassment on the basis of race, which is unlikely to be crazy lucrative, but it is how businesses have to learn if they choose to be racist.
posted by theora55 at 4:29 PM on February 16, 2019 [1 favorite]

I do work for a state agency, but our HR apparently is non-existent.
Is there any kind of hotline for anonymous reports? Crap like this is the reason for those hotlines. It may not be advertised, but you can probably find one in your employee handbook.
posted by soelo at 4:39 PM on February 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

Your post looks like it came straight out of a harassment training video.

Please don't "not say anything because you're on the way out". This doesn't fix the problem and will only result in additional people being harassed and forced to live in the same toxic environment. Doing nothing benefits nobody and hurts more people in the long run.

This person needs to know that their attitude is not acceptable. Personally I would take her into a meeting / private room, call her out on it, and tell her to stop. Same goes for her work friend. You don't have to put up with their shit.

In any case: Document, document, document. Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer. Contact whatever HR you have and start the paper trail. If you're a state agency there is something there regardless of how 'non-existent' it may seem.

Good luck in your job search, you will find something much more enjoyable.
posted by SquidLips at 8:41 PM on February 16, 2019 [1 favorite]

While I don't have any helpful suggestions (you've received a number of them already, anyway), I just wanted to say that I hope you find something much better in the near future, and that your coworkers at your next job aren't such utter wastes of sperm and egg. I know it's trite and cliché, but hang in there and best of luck to you.
posted by DavidfromBA at 9:00 PM on February 16, 2019 [1 favorite]

Also, once you're safely away and (preferably) in another job you may want to leave a suitably anonymized review on Glassdoor or similar giving future prospective employees there a head's up (assuming this place is big enough to have a review page). If the turnover's as high as you say, you should be able to leave honest feedback without it being traceable back to you as long as you keep your description sufficiently broad.
posted by Rhaomi at 11:10 PM on February 16, 2019

Leave and find a better work atmosphere. If you have junior status, you probably can't change your co-workers, and they will just make you miserable. Your boss wants you to stay, but the most they can do is cosmetic changes. At least knowing that your employers have dropped the ball should make it easier to leave as soon as you have the resources to do so.
posted by zaelic at 7:52 AM on February 17, 2019