Moving or staying put after a breakup
January 29, 2019 3:22 AM Subscribe
I've just left a long-term relationship. I've wanted to move away from this city for years, and now's my chance. I want to stay with family for a little while, but I'm worried that I shouldn't be changing too much at once. Does it make sense to stay put, just for a sake of continuity?
I'm in my mid-30s. We just ended a nearly decade-long relationship on good terms. I think we were both lying to ourselves about wanting to be in the relationship as long as we were. We are both devastated, but we both agree that it was the right thing to do.
I don't like the city we live in, and I've wanted to leave for years. I recently got a BA, and between that and my newly-single status, I finally have the flexibility to explore options I'd previously written off due to (unhealthily) prioritizing the relationship. I'm heartbroken about the breakup, but I'm also genuinely excited that there are so many more possibilities now (I've been having lots of "wow, maybe I could get an MLIS and work at a rural library after all" moments). It feels very freeing.
Most of my family lives outside a major on the other side of the country. I want to go stay with my mom while I process things. It's an opportunity to be around supportive people, to see more of my family, and to live very cheaply while I plan my next steps. There are even potential career opportunities there.
I'm worried that I'll find out -the hard way- that I need some basic continuity as I process everything. This is the worst breakup I've ever been through, and I've read that routine is important when you're processing grief. It feels like my whole world has shattered, and I wonder if it helps to have some familiar routines and places to go. I'm also worried that living with my mom in my mid-30s, even temporarily, will be demoralizing. I'm not planning on staying a long time, but what if I'm there longer than I'm expecting?
I keep telling myself maybe I can learn to like this city, but I don't know how much I have going for me here; I like my job a lot, but it's a dead-end job that pays relatively little, especially for the area. I do have some friends here, and there are some parks I love. This is a very expensive city, and it would be very difficult to find an apartment, but I'm told it can be done. Maybe I'd feel more independent living on my own instead of living with my mom. Maybe I'm just reluctant to be completely independent after so many years, preferring instead to fall back on family.
There's a very short timeline here: my ex and I still get along, but I need to get out of this apartment so we can both move on. I can stay with friends if necessary, but that's a temporary solution. Almost everyone thinks leaving is a good idea, including my ex, my friends, and my family. The only exception is my dad, who thinks it'll be depressing to live with my mom, and that I should stay here and get an apartment. Everyone else says leave.
I want to leave, I just don't trust myself to know what's best right now. Maybe I'm just reluctant to look for an apartment, or maybe I'm reluctant to be fully independent right away. On the other hand, maybe I'm just stressed about planning a cross-country move right now. Do I do what I want and move away, even if I know that I might be making things more painful in some ways? Or do I stay here just for some sense of continuity, even though I've wanted to leave for years?
I'm in my mid-30s. We just ended a nearly decade-long relationship on good terms. I think we were both lying to ourselves about wanting to be in the relationship as long as we were. We are both devastated, but we both agree that it was the right thing to do.
I don't like the city we live in, and I've wanted to leave for years. I recently got a BA, and between that and my newly-single status, I finally have the flexibility to explore options I'd previously written off due to (unhealthily) prioritizing the relationship. I'm heartbroken about the breakup, but I'm also genuinely excited that there are so many more possibilities now (I've been having lots of "wow, maybe I could get an MLIS and work at a rural library after all" moments). It feels very freeing.
Most of my family lives outside a major on the other side of the country. I want to go stay with my mom while I process things. It's an opportunity to be around supportive people, to see more of my family, and to live very cheaply while I plan my next steps. There are even potential career opportunities there.
I'm worried that I'll find out -the hard way- that I need some basic continuity as I process everything. This is the worst breakup I've ever been through, and I've read that routine is important when you're processing grief. It feels like my whole world has shattered, and I wonder if it helps to have some familiar routines and places to go. I'm also worried that living with my mom in my mid-30s, even temporarily, will be demoralizing. I'm not planning on staying a long time, but what if I'm there longer than I'm expecting?
I keep telling myself maybe I can learn to like this city, but I don't know how much I have going for me here; I like my job a lot, but it's a dead-end job that pays relatively little, especially for the area. I do have some friends here, and there are some parks I love. This is a very expensive city, and it would be very difficult to find an apartment, but I'm told it can be done. Maybe I'd feel more independent living on my own instead of living with my mom. Maybe I'm just reluctant to be completely independent after so many years, preferring instead to fall back on family.
There's a very short timeline here: my ex and I still get along, but I need to get out of this apartment so we can both move on. I can stay with friends if necessary, but that's a temporary solution. Almost everyone thinks leaving is a good idea, including my ex, my friends, and my family. The only exception is my dad, who thinks it'll be depressing to live with my mom, and that I should stay here and get an apartment. Everyone else says leave.
I want to leave, I just don't trust myself to know what's best right now. Maybe I'm just reluctant to look for an apartment, or maybe I'm reluctant to be fully independent right away. On the other hand, maybe I'm just stressed about planning a cross-country move right now. Do I do what I want and move away, even if I know that I might be making things more painful in some ways? Or do I stay here just for some sense of continuity, even though I've wanted to leave for years?
Oh leave, absolutely! Seriously, there’s nothing like a clean slate and a change of scenery instead of every corner reminding you about old memories and what’s left in the past. You were ready to leave anyway, this is just the push you needed.
posted by Jubey at 3:52 AM on January 29, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 3:52 AM on January 29, 2019 [7 favorites]
Move. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave later on. Give yourself a chance to challenge yourself!!
posted by honeybee413 at 4:01 AM on January 29, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by honeybee413 at 4:01 AM on January 29, 2019 [7 favorites]
Leave! Leave leave leave. If you move and hate it, you can always move back. Don’t worry about the money lost or the time wasted - think about it as an investment in yourself and your own happiness.
posted by umwhat at 4:09 AM on January 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by umwhat at 4:09 AM on January 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
"Or do I stay here just for some sense of continuity, even though I've wanted to leave for years?"You've answered your own question here. Go on a new adventure!
If you intend to live in the city where your family stays, then by all means go back home for a bit.
If there is another city that you've always wanted to live in, then why not explore that instead? Take advantage of the flexibility you have now.
posted by Gomez_in_the_South at 4:18 AM on January 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
I heard you regret the stuff you don't do,not the stuff you do. I have in the past left town after a breakup and it helped. So many new things on my mind. I recommend it.
posted by b33j at 4:37 AM on January 29, 2019
posted by b33j at 4:37 AM on January 29, 2019
From another perspective, assuming you have a decent relationship with your mom, I would bet really strongly that in ten or twenty years you will be so glad for choosing to spend some time with her now.
posted by eirias at 4:40 AM on January 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by eirias at 4:40 AM on January 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
Wherever you end up - therapy is a plus. Would recommend. You can do it (whatever you end up doing)!
posted by PistachioRoux at 4:52 AM on January 29, 2019
posted by PistachioRoux at 4:52 AM on January 29, 2019
Continuity for its own sake is vastly underrated, in my opinion. If this gives you a chance to do something you want to do, go ahead and do it! If you have a good relationship with your mom, it will be nice to have some time with her. She will provide familiarity as well, since she's your mom and all.
Trust yourself. You know what you want to do. Don't be afraid to do it.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:15 AM on January 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
Trust yourself. You know what you want to do. Don't be afraid to do it.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:15 AM on January 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'd definitely leave, and definitely stay with your mom. Your mom is a type of long-term continuity. Your heart is telling you that you need to be cared for, and is pulling you in that direction. Let yourself be cared for, set a date for re-evaluation (60 days?), and go.
posted by juniperesque at 5:54 AM on January 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by juniperesque at 5:54 AM on January 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
The only exception is my dad, who thinks it'll be depressing to live with my mom, and that I should stay here and get an apartment.
The implication here is that your dad himself does not live with your mom? In which case, you know, he doesn't live with your mom for a reason, and I'd take his recommendations about that with a grain of salt. You know how well you get along with her. Is she going to respect you as an adult enough to be tolerable to live with? Would she make a good roommate? If so, then go.
I believe a lot in independence, but it kind of sounds like you live in a situation where what you're really going to get isn't "independence", it's either a roommate situation that also has the potential to feel pretty frustratingly juvenile, and/or stretching your budget to the breaking point to maintain the illusion of being self-supporting right up until an unexpected expense wrecks it. If you don't make an amount of money to be able to live comfortably-if-frugally where you are, I think that's a huge mark in the "leave" column.
posted by Sequence at 6:14 AM on January 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
The implication here is that your dad himself does not live with your mom? In which case, you know, he doesn't live with your mom for a reason, and I'd take his recommendations about that with a grain of salt. You know how well you get along with her. Is she going to respect you as an adult enough to be tolerable to live with? Would she make a good roommate? If so, then go.
I believe a lot in independence, but it kind of sounds like you live in a situation where what you're really going to get isn't "independence", it's either a roommate situation that also has the potential to feel pretty frustratingly juvenile, and/or stretching your budget to the breaking point to maintain the illusion of being self-supporting right up until an unexpected expense wrecks it. If you don't make an amount of money to be able to live comfortably-if-frugally where you are, I think that's a huge mark in the "leave" column.
posted by Sequence at 6:14 AM on January 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
I’m 30. My mom came and stayed with me for five weeks last winter when I was stuck in bed/wheelchair with a nasty compound fracture. Getting injured sucked, but I have to say that it was really, really sweet to get to spend that much time together with my mom.
posted by cnidaria at 6:18 AM on January 29, 2019
posted by cnidaria at 6:18 AM on January 29, 2019
I went through something similar. I would say that it is good to "shake things up" and get a change of scenery, but I would be careful to not seek a geographical solution to an emotional problem. I was considering moving and I am glad that I didn't. I don't think that there is a "right" answer in these cases. I don't think that there is anything wrong with taking some time and waiting to heal a bit and process your thoughts.
Good luck. It will get better, I promise...
posted by kbbbo at 7:00 AM on January 29, 2019
Good luck. It will get better, I promise...
posted by kbbbo at 7:00 AM on January 29, 2019
I don't know what you should do. I can say that I left the SF Bay Area just over a year ago to be closer to my family (kid and grandkids) and to get some breathing room because I could no longer support myself as an independent writer and editor in a place with such a high cost of living.
It hasn't all been easy but moving was the right choice for me. I have a lot more freedom when my costs of living are so much lower here than where I used to live. There was nothing I could do, as an individual, to fight the high cost of living in the East Bay. As one guy explained in an article last year, “We live in a state that needs 200,000 new homes a year, and in the last two decades, we averaged 80,000 a year. Now we are waking up to the crisis that we created ourselves, and it’s time to fix it.”
I doubt very much the California housing crisis will get fixed any time soon. In the meantime, I am living in a place I can afford, enjoying time with my family, and doing things that are fun. I love movies so I bought an annual pass to the Cinematek here in Stockholm and get to see unlimited films. I have also joined several LGBTQ Facebook (I know, I know) groups for future IRL meetings, and I am also cultivating new friends from my Al-Anon meetings.
It is a huge challenge to leave what you know for the unknown. But staying with your mom for a while isn't your final destination. It's a way station, a place for you to get some care and comfort from someone who loves you immensely while you ponder what you want out of life. As a single person, let me just say how amazing it is when you get out of a relationship (however unhappily) and realize that you no longer have to tailor your life choices to fit two. That you can actually choose to do what you want to do, or what fits you best.
So stay or move. Either way, if you are worried about continuity (which I worry about, because of my ADHD), remember that you can make a behavioural routine that keeps you company from wherever you are now to wherever you may be going. DM me if you want more details. If you do move and you hate it, you can move back if you want to badly enough. It won't be easy but by then you will be super clear about where you want to be, and that's important information. Good luck, OP!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:19 AM on January 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
It hasn't all been easy but moving was the right choice for me. I have a lot more freedom when my costs of living are so much lower here than where I used to live. There was nothing I could do, as an individual, to fight the high cost of living in the East Bay. As one guy explained in an article last year, “We live in a state that needs 200,000 new homes a year, and in the last two decades, we averaged 80,000 a year. Now we are waking up to the crisis that we created ourselves, and it’s time to fix it.”
I doubt very much the California housing crisis will get fixed any time soon. In the meantime, I am living in a place I can afford, enjoying time with my family, and doing things that are fun. I love movies so I bought an annual pass to the Cinematek here in Stockholm and get to see unlimited films. I have also joined several LGBTQ Facebook (I know, I know) groups for future IRL meetings, and I am also cultivating new friends from my Al-Anon meetings.
It is a huge challenge to leave what you know for the unknown. But staying with your mom for a while isn't your final destination. It's a way station, a place for you to get some care and comfort from someone who loves you immensely while you ponder what you want out of life. As a single person, let me just say how amazing it is when you get out of a relationship (however unhappily) and realize that you no longer have to tailor your life choices to fit two. That you can actually choose to do what you want to do, or what fits you best.
So stay or move. Either way, if you are worried about continuity (which I worry about, because of my ADHD), remember that you can make a behavioural routine that keeps you company from wherever you are now to wherever you may be going. DM me if you want more details. If you do move and you hate it, you can move back if you want to badly enough. It won't be easy but by then you will be super clear about where you want to be, and that's important information. Good luck, OP!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:19 AM on January 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
That advice about continuity is surely just meant to take advantage of existing support systems, rather than cutting oneself off. Going home would be the best way to take advantage of your existing support system in this case, since your family's there, you dislike the city you're in, and have nothing to stay there for. Go!
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:28 AM on January 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:28 AM on January 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
The advice about "don't make any big changes" has a million caveats, and mostly means "don't do spur-of-the-moment wild shit unless you have a big enough safety net if it goes badly".
But moving closer to support systems, going somewhere that allows you to save up money, making a move you've wanted to make for quite some time but could not because of the relationship you just ended? That may be a logistically big change but it's a pre-existing plan.
Your old routine is generally the last thing you need for recovery, because that routine likely ended with the relationship. Go do your stuff, time is the primary thing that's going to make it better and time will exist wherever you go.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:04 AM on January 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
But moving closer to support systems, going somewhere that allows you to save up money, making a move you've wanted to make for quite some time but could not because of the relationship you just ended? That may be a logistically big change but it's a pre-existing plan.
Your old routine is generally the last thing you need for recovery, because that routine likely ended with the relationship. Go do your stuff, time is the primary thing that's going to make it better and time will exist wherever you go.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:04 AM on January 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
We should trade lives! I'm also single after amicably ending a LTR and am thinking about moving to the big city after years working as a rural librarian.
In general it's wise to give yourself some time to figure out what you want, but since you can't stay in your current apartment, your options sound equally disruptive, and one of them obviously appeals to you much more.
Re: cross-country moving, it's doable. Consider something like a POD or U-Pack if you can afford it.
It's all going to be okay. Best of luck!
posted by toastedcheese at 10:00 AM on January 29, 2019
In general it's wise to give yourself some time to figure out what you want, but since you can't stay in your current apartment, your options sound equally disruptive, and one of them obviously appeals to you much more.
Re: cross-country moving, it's doable. Consider something like a POD or U-Pack if you can afford it.
It's all going to be okay. Best of luck!
posted by toastedcheese at 10:00 AM on January 29, 2019
Do you have money/time/opportunity to take a vacation trip to stay with your mom for a week? I always figured staying in my mom's spare room was my backup plan, and we get along okay, but after a visit of a few days I realized it was absolutely a no-go for anything more than that. If you can try before you go, you'll get a chance to make sure the place you're going is still what you thought, and whether you can stand day-to-day life with your mom.
posted by epersonae at 10:14 AM on January 29, 2019
posted by epersonae at 10:14 AM on January 29, 2019
Move, and good luck to you!
posted by praemunire at 10:36 AM on January 29, 2019
posted by praemunire at 10:36 AM on January 29, 2019
I've wanted to move away from this city for years, and now's my chance.
This is all you need to know! Here's the thing. If you regret it, you can always move back! It sounds like you never really chose to stay in your current city and you've had a lot of resentment building up. Moving into an apartment would be doubly down on your current city. I think it's time to go.
I wouldn't move in with your mom forever, but go ahead and stay with her and start working right away on your next steps there, even if it's moving into an apartment down the road from her.
Do you have to plan a cross-country move right now? How much stuff do you have? Instead of moving it all home, can you purge some of it and put some other things in storage, maybe in a friend's basement or even paid for a few months? That would keep your options open, if you end up in some other town, somewhere else. A car full of stuff may be be all that you need to get settled in with your mom.
maybe I could get an MLIS and work at a rural library after all
So, about this... I would talk a lot to librarians who work in rural libraries, many of which do not require an MLS or pay much at all. I'm not saying don't do it. I am saying it's not so easy to get those jobs at a salary you can afford with school loans, etc.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:45 AM on January 29, 2019
This is all you need to know! Here's the thing. If you regret it, you can always move back! It sounds like you never really chose to stay in your current city and you've had a lot of resentment building up. Moving into an apartment would be doubly down on your current city. I think it's time to go.
I wouldn't move in with your mom forever, but go ahead and stay with her and start working right away on your next steps there, even if it's moving into an apartment down the road from her.
Do you have to plan a cross-country move right now? How much stuff do you have? Instead of moving it all home, can you purge some of it and put some other things in storage, maybe in a friend's basement or even paid for a few months? That would keep your options open, if you end up in some other town, somewhere else. A car full of stuff may be be all that you need to get settled in with your mom.
maybe I could get an MLIS and work at a rural library after all
So, about this... I would talk a lot to librarians who work in rural libraries, many of which do not require an MLS or pay much at all. I'm not saying don't do it. I am saying it's not so easy to get those jobs at a salary you can afford with school loans, etc.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:45 AM on January 29, 2019
Go! This is a perfect chance to make a move! There's no benefit to staying in a place you've never liked much and it'll probably be harder since the place you lived in with your ex will be filled with ghosts of him and the life you had together. Go and be with family, process and heal, and then go and live a new life in a place you love. There's no benefit that I can see to linger in a place you don't like much.
posted by quince at 1:35 PM on January 29, 2019
posted by quince at 1:35 PM on January 29, 2019
Hey OP, I just noticed a piece of paper I have taped near my computer. The idea isn't original to me but it is in my own words. This thought, if you haven't heard it before, might be helpful:
If it is going to hurt either way, pick the pain that is most productive.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:55 PM on January 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
If it is going to hurt either way, pick the pain that is most productive.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:55 PM on January 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by dum spiro spero at 3:44 AM on January 29, 2019 [8 favorites]