Opting out of Adult Birthday Gifts
January 21, 2019 10:32 AM Subscribe
Partially inspired by this question, I'm looking for advice/guidance/permission on opting out of birthday gift giving for adult family members.
Some backstory: my sister and I are adults (late 20s/early 30s). Our parents have been divorced for ~20 years, and my dad has a partner of 9 years. They are in their 50s. She wasn't around when we were growing up, and only met and started dating our dad well after my sister and I were both out of the house. She has said things like "I'm so glad your dad has daughters and I'm so glad I met him after you moved out."
Though they have been together for 9 years, my sister and I are not particularly close with her. She appears to make my dad (mostly) happy*, and his relationship is his business, so I try to stay out of it. I know she had some childhood trauma and is estranged from her family of origin, and this has led to inappropriate outbursts and emotional manipulation on her part. As much as my dad has tried to make her a "part of the family", I don't consider her a close family member, but someone I am gracious and civil to because she is important to my dad.
*Over the years he has confided in my sister and I numerous times that he's thinking about ending it with her, but he never does.
Over the years, I have been able to set some better boundaries for myself that make dealing with this situation easier: I don't visit them at their house (~3 hours away) very often, because that tends to stress her out and be unpleasant for everyone. I don't host them at my house often (my dad will make solo visits on occasion, and those are generally good). I enter most interactions with lowered expectations so I am not disappointed when things go off the rails (her crying, leaving early, nose bleeds, other strange things that my dad claims "never happen when it's just the two of us") .
The issue I am currently facing is surrounding her birthday. I believe this answer from honey-barbara probably sums up her feelings about birthdays, and I am glad she has been able to communicate to my dad (her partner, someone who chooses to have her in his life) how important it is that her birthday is acknowledged. What I'm not glad about is that the expectation around making a big deal of her birthday extends to my sister and I. Each year, we receive an emailed list of links to birthday gifts "In case we want to get her something". My dad makes it clear he expects us to pony up and get her a gift, even if we won't be seeing her. One year, we weren't able to arrive early enough to help set up for her birthday party, and she refused to look at me during the entire evening, and screamed at me the following day.
It's not about the money, and it's not about the effort - I can usually order the gift(s) via amazon and have it shipped to them and it takes all of 10 minutes. I just feel like I'm being pressured into this false act of 'caring' and it all feels extremely stilted and forced and while I like to think I am a generous person, I really bristle at performing this birthday dance for a 50-something woman with whom I am not close. The ironic thing is, gift giving is one of my love languages and I really enjoy selecting gifts for my loved ones and surprising them with them. I do not like choosing from a prescribed list and the feeling of expectation that comes from this whole interaction. (She often sends gifts to my sister and I, which almost always miss the mark - things that are not to our taste, bordering on useless, or clearly regifted. It's the thought that counts, sure, but I'd rather she not.)
I spoke with my dad after a disappointing Christmas, and told him that going forward, I wouldn't be doing Christmas gifts unless I was planning to be with them on Christmas (another boundary I can set is choosing to spend my holidays elsewhere). He agreed that was reasonable, but then said "But birthdays are a big deal to girlfriend so you will still need to give her a gift for her birthday." I told him we could talk about that later (her birthday is in December, so I have some time) and left it at that. I'm happy to send her a card, but it appears that this is not enough.
ACTUAL QUESTIONS:
- Am I being a terrible person by not wanting to buy her a birthday gift?
- How do I let my dad (and her?) know that I will not be buying her gifts going forward? (Yes, I realize I can just say "I will not be buying you birthday gifts going forward", is that the best way to approach this?)
Some backstory: my sister and I are adults (late 20s/early 30s). Our parents have been divorced for ~20 years, and my dad has a partner of 9 years. They are in their 50s. She wasn't around when we were growing up, and only met and started dating our dad well after my sister and I were both out of the house. She has said things like "I'm so glad your dad has daughters and I'm so glad I met him after you moved out."
Though they have been together for 9 years, my sister and I are not particularly close with her. She appears to make my dad (mostly) happy*, and his relationship is his business, so I try to stay out of it. I know she had some childhood trauma and is estranged from her family of origin, and this has led to inappropriate outbursts and emotional manipulation on her part. As much as my dad has tried to make her a "part of the family", I don't consider her a close family member, but someone I am gracious and civil to because she is important to my dad.
*Over the years he has confided in my sister and I numerous times that he's thinking about ending it with her, but he never does.
Over the years, I have been able to set some better boundaries for myself that make dealing with this situation easier: I don't visit them at their house (~3 hours away) very often, because that tends to stress her out and be unpleasant for everyone. I don't host them at my house often (my dad will make solo visits on occasion, and those are generally good). I enter most interactions with lowered expectations so I am not disappointed when things go off the rails (her crying, leaving early, nose bleeds, other strange things that my dad claims "never happen when it's just the two of us") .
The issue I am currently facing is surrounding her birthday. I believe this answer from honey-barbara probably sums up her feelings about birthdays, and I am glad she has been able to communicate to my dad (her partner, someone who chooses to have her in his life) how important it is that her birthday is acknowledged. What I'm not glad about is that the expectation around making a big deal of her birthday extends to my sister and I. Each year, we receive an emailed list of links to birthday gifts "In case we want to get her something". My dad makes it clear he expects us to pony up and get her a gift, even if we won't be seeing her. One year, we weren't able to arrive early enough to help set up for her birthday party, and she refused to look at me during the entire evening, and screamed at me the following day.
It's not about the money, and it's not about the effort - I can usually order the gift(s) via amazon and have it shipped to them and it takes all of 10 minutes. I just feel like I'm being pressured into this false act of 'caring' and it all feels extremely stilted and forced and while I like to think I am a generous person, I really bristle at performing this birthday dance for a 50-something woman with whom I am not close. The ironic thing is, gift giving is one of my love languages and I really enjoy selecting gifts for my loved ones and surprising them with them. I do not like choosing from a prescribed list and the feeling of expectation that comes from this whole interaction. (She often sends gifts to my sister and I, which almost always miss the mark - things that are not to our taste, bordering on useless, or clearly regifted. It's the thought that counts, sure, but I'd rather she not.)
I spoke with my dad after a disappointing Christmas, and told him that going forward, I wouldn't be doing Christmas gifts unless I was planning to be with them on Christmas (another boundary I can set is choosing to spend my holidays elsewhere). He agreed that was reasonable, but then said "But birthdays are a big deal to girlfriend so you will still need to give her a gift for her birthday." I told him we could talk about that later (her birthday is in December, so I have some time) and left it at that. I'm happy to send her a card, but it appears that this is not enough.
ACTUAL QUESTIONS:
- Am I being a terrible person by not wanting to buy her a birthday gift?
- How do I let my dad (and her?) know that I will not be buying her gifts going forward? (Yes, I realize I can just say "I will not be buying you birthday gifts going forward", is that the best way to approach this?)
No, but is it worth the drama to not buy her gifts?
I know a few folks for whom gifts are a vital lifeblood and they will go on at length about those who did not gift them or did not gift them correctly. They are in my life for other reasons and I like them and don't plan on ditching them for this, but I do hear ya on wishing we could stop, especially since these folks don't usually like what I get them (they won't give me a list most of the time). It sounds like your honorary stepmother is one of these people and you know she will lose her mind if you don't do it. Also, she's a December birthday? Those come with all kinds of issues on top of the usual issues with being ignored for Christmas, etc. And as you mentioned, she has other issues going on too.
Is it worth having this drama all the time if you don't get her gifts? Seriously? Because as you say, you get a list, you order it on Amazon and it's out of your life and your hair. It's the price you pay for peace and quiet. If you really really want to start this war by not buying her gifts, then that's on you, but you should be well aware by now of what fresh hell you are bringing upon yourself by not gifting.
I get why you don't want to gift her, " I just feel like I'm being pressured into this false act of 'caring' and it all feels extremely stilted and forced." This is absolutely true. But she is your father's partner and even if he didn't marry her, you are having to regard her as "family." It pleases the both of them. It will start a war if you don't treat her as "family" who needs needs needs a gift in order to not throw a fit at you. There is no "good way" to tell them no to this because you know it's a sore point and that has been specified to you (I'm surprised "no Christmas" was acceptable). Birthday gifts are non-negotiable. If you go there, there will be infinite drama and explosions. If that is what you prefer to have happen rather than the annoying hypocrisy of the 10 minutes and however many dollars you spend on Amazon, up to you. But even if you have to buy her expensive gifts to prove your nonexistent "love," it might be worth it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:54 AM on January 21, 2019 [6 favorites]
I know a few folks for whom gifts are a vital lifeblood and they will go on at length about those who did not gift them or did not gift them correctly. They are in my life for other reasons and I like them and don't plan on ditching them for this, but I do hear ya on wishing we could stop, especially since these folks don't usually like what I get them (they won't give me a list most of the time). It sounds like your honorary stepmother is one of these people and you know she will lose her mind if you don't do it. Also, she's a December birthday? Those come with all kinds of issues on top of the usual issues with being ignored for Christmas, etc. And as you mentioned, she has other issues going on too.
Is it worth having this drama all the time if you don't get her gifts? Seriously? Because as you say, you get a list, you order it on Amazon and it's out of your life and your hair. It's the price you pay for peace and quiet. If you really really want to start this war by not buying her gifts, then that's on you, but you should be well aware by now of what fresh hell you are bringing upon yourself by not gifting.
I get why you don't want to gift her, " I just feel like I'm being pressured into this false act of 'caring' and it all feels extremely stilted and forced." This is absolutely true. But she is your father's partner and even if he didn't marry her, you are having to regard her as "family." It pleases the both of them. It will start a war if you don't treat her as "family" who needs needs needs a gift in order to not throw a fit at you. There is no "good way" to tell them no to this because you know it's a sore point and that has been specified to you (I'm surprised "no Christmas" was acceptable). Birthday gifts are non-negotiable. If you go there, there will be infinite drama and explosions. If that is what you prefer to have happen rather than the annoying hypocrisy of the 10 minutes and however many dollars you spend on Amazon, up to you. But even if you have to buy her expensive gifts to prove your nonexistent "love," it might be worth it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:54 AM on January 21, 2019 [6 favorites]
My threshold for buying birthday gifts for others are that they don't scream at me.
It sounds like they have a dynamic that works for them but you don't need to be responsible for making her birthday special; that should fall to your dad. He's trying to put that emotional labor on you and your sister.
I would acknowledge her birthday (phone call/text/birthday card) and leave it at that. If she chooses to get mad at you, that's 100% on her and something she needs to work through. Emailing a list of potential birthday gifts is something a child would do, not a grown woman who presumably can buy the things she wants on her own.
I'm sorry you're being pressured in this situation but they are being unreasonable.
posted by Twicketface at 10:59 AM on January 21, 2019 [17 favorites]
It sounds like they have a dynamic that works for them but you don't need to be responsible for making her birthday special; that should fall to your dad. He's trying to put that emotional labor on you and your sister.
I would acknowledge her birthday (phone call/text/birthday card) and leave it at that. If she chooses to get mad at you, that's 100% on her and something she needs to work through. Emailing a list of potential birthday gifts is something a child would do, not a grown woman who presumably can buy the things she wants on her own.
I'm sorry you're being pressured in this situation but they are being unreasonable.
posted by Twicketface at 10:59 AM on January 21, 2019 [17 favorites]
He agreed that was reasonable, but then said "But birthdays are a big deal to girlfriend so you will still need to give her a gift for her birthday." I told him we could talk about that later (her birthday is in December, so I have some time) and left it at that.
So talk to him, since you said you would. Ask if it's really all that important and if so, why. Telling you you "need to" do something like that is a bit much. If he asked you to do this as a favor to him it would seem pretty clear-cut to me. You do these kinds of favors for family members. But you don't owe his partner gifts.
posted by BibiRose at 11:16 AM on January 21, 2019 [6 favorites]
So talk to him, since you said you would. Ask if it's really all that important and if so, why. Telling you you "need to" do something like that is a bit much. If he asked you to do this as a favor to him it would seem pretty clear-cut to me. You do these kinds of favors for family members. But you don't owe his partner gifts.
posted by BibiRose at 11:16 AM on January 21, 2019 [6 favorites]
Is there a way that you can frame “opting out” for yourself as still having a gift shipped off her list but opting out of the mental work? Or think of it as actually being a gift for your dad, since he’s the one who has to listen to her complain about who didn’t acknowledge her? If it were me, I might just keep spending the 10 minutes to send her a gift but resolving never to go to a birthday party for her ever again. (FWIW she actually sounds awful.) I’d take a cue from her and start sending her links to gifts I want for my own birthday, since that seems normal to her and you might stop getting the useless gifts.
I’d frame the yearly tradition of gifting her as a ritual sacrifice I must make to the Gods of Family Harmony.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:42 AM on January 21, 2019 [8 favorites]
I’d frame the yearly tradition of gifting her as a ritual sacrifice I must make to the Gods of Family Harmony.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:42 AM on January 21, 2019 [8 favorites]
Can you literally put zero emotional effort into it? Like, resolve to just click on the cheapest thing on the list when you get it? And just accept that that’s the cost for harmony. (I agree with you, FWIW, but it seems like it would be worth it to me to just pay to make her go away.) Also, seconding the idea to send her a list for your birthday. If that’s how she wants to be, at least you could get something you like out of the deal.
posted by Weeping_angel at 11:46 AM on January 21, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by Weeping_angel at 11:46 AM on January 21, 2019 [6 favorites]
Another thought, you could get her a magazine subscription to something she’s interested in, stick it on auto-renew, and then every year they send her a thing telling her you got her a years’ subscription and you never have to think about it again.
posted by Weeping_angel at 11:53 AM on January 21, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by Weeping_angel at 11:53 AM on January 21, 2019 [8 favorites]
As I understand it, the gift-shopping and shipping is not actively painful, but the giving at all galls you because of who and how she is. So, yeah, you don't have to do it. It's not on you to fill any hole in her spirit. Send her a card from now on and be done with it.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 11:57 AM on January 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 11:57 AM on January 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
I don't participate in these ritualized gift exchanges, but there is only one way to make it work: you must refuse all gift-day gifts from others, to the extent of actually physically shipping them back to the giver.
I also don't play favorites; this policy extends to everyone in my life. To explicitly snub one specific person would be, as others have mentioned, like setting off a nuke in your family life.
The whole reason I do this is because compulsory gift giving occasions are nothing but the kind of situation you describe: stressful political and monetary calculations utterly evacuated of the personal sentiment that is evoked to coerce everyone into participating.
This is not a course for the faint of heart: there will be hurt feelings the first few years when you hand back unopened gifts. But in the big picture, it is a much better policy for me-I entirely avoid the kind of situation you find yourself in, and spontaneous gifts to and from the people I care about throughout the year are far more meaningful.
But if you're going to participate in the overall tradition, you have to play the game. Is the satisfaction of publicly snubbing this person going to be worth the material effects on your family life that will result?
posted by Krawczak at 11:58 AM on January 21, 2019
I also don't play favorites; this policy extends to everyone in my life. To explicitly snub one specific person would be, as others have mentioned, like setting off a nuke in your family life.
The whole reason I do this is because compulsory gift giving occasions are nothing but the kind of situation you describe: stressful political and monetary calculations utterly evacuated of the personal sentiment that is evoked to coerce everyone into participating.
This is not a course for the faint of heart: there will be hurt feelings the first few years when you hand back unopened gifts. But in the big picture, it is a much better policy for me-I entirely avoid the kind of situation you find yourself in, and spontaneous gifts to and from the people I care about throughout the year are far more meaningful.
But if you're going to participate in the overall tradition, you have to play the game. Is the satisfaction of publicly snubbing this person going to be worth the material effects on your family life that will result?
posted by Krawczak at 11:58 AM on January 21, 2019
- Am I being a terrible person by not wanting to buy her a birthday gift?
No, not even a little. This is not a parent or guardian figure that bought you presents through your childhood or whatever, this is somebody your dad met up with when you were out of the nest. You should not have an obligation to buy her gifts if you do not feel motivated to do so.
- How do I let my dad (and her?) know that I will not be buying her gifts going forward? (Yes, I realize I can just say "I will not be buying you birthday gifts going forward", is that the best way to approach this?)
I, reluctantly, agree with other folks who are suggesting just buying the least expensive thing on her list and being done with it if you don't want to face the drama.
If it were me I'd probably do something similar to what my youngest brother has done - which is to declare himself done with holiday gifting by fiat across the board, and that's that. Just say something like "as adults we all have more than we need and I think celebrating these occasions are more important than things. So going forward I don't expect or want birthday gifts and I am not planning on purchasing more."
Another alternative could be to make a donation to a charity in her name and send an acknowledgement of same. At least the money would go to a good cause and it'd take some serious grinchery to raise a fuss about.
posted by jzb at 11:59 AM on January 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
No, not even a little. This is not a parent or guardian figure that bought you presents through your childhood or whatever, this is somebody your dad met up with when you were out of the nest. You should not have an obligation to buy her gifts if you do not feel motivated to do so.
- How do I let my dad (and her?) know that I will not be buying her gifts going forward? (Yes, I realize I can just say "I will not be buying you birthday gifts going forward", is that the best way to approach this?)
I, reluctantly, agree with other folks who are suggesting just buying the least expensive thing on her list and being done with it if you don't want to face the drama.
If it were me I'd probably do something similar to what my youngest brother has done - which is to declare himself done with holiday gifting by fiat across the board, and that's that. Just say something like "as adults we all have more than we need and I think celebrating these occasions are more important than things. So going forward I don't expect or want birthday gifts and I am not planning on purchasing more."
Another alternative could be to make a donation to a charity in her name and send an acknowledgement of same. At least the money would go to a good cause and it'd take some serious grinchery to raise a fuss about.
posted by jzb at 11:59 AM on January 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
I'm astonished that an adult is not only demanding birthday gifts, but providing a list of items to choose from. I would send a card and be done with it.
posted by Dolley at 12:09 PM on January 21, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by Dolley at 12:09 PM on January 21, 2019 [12 favorites]
If you love language is gifts it's not surprising this situation is so galling to you. Your love language means gift giving hits your soul closer than for others, so you cherish a good gift more, but you also feel a bad gift-giving situation more deeply. Of course this is hard on you. With the importance placed on Girlfriend's birthday gift, it sounds like Girlfriend's love language is gift giving as well. With a Christmas gift off the table, the birthday gift is the main opportunity to connect with her in her love language. A lack of any gifts will hit her hard. You might opt out, but you better own the damage to the relationship (and the relationship with your dad) you'd be causing.
It sounds like one irksome part is that your dad sends you email with suggested presents. Maybe it would be helpful to reframe those suggestions as your Dad's gift to you. He's saved you any emotional labor of getting to know Girlfriend's likes and dislikes and what Things she already owns. He's made it so you can score easy relationship points with only 10 minutes of effort each year. He's lost the opportunity to take any credit for these great gift ideas by giving the ideas to you. He's trying to make it easy on you. If you have better gift ideas and take joy in choosing the gift yourself, you could ask your dad if it's ok if you choose something not on the list. But take the suggestions as an attempt to make this easier for you, not as an affront.
posted by sdrawkcaSSAb at 12:14 PM on January 21, 2019 [14 favorites]
It sounds like one irksome part is that your dad sends you email with suggested presents. Maybe it would be helpful to reframe those suggestions as your Dad's gift to you. He's saved you any emotional labor of getting to know Girlfriend's likes and dislikes and what Things she already owns. He's made it so you can score easy relationship points with only 10 minutes of effort each year. He's lost the opportunity to take any credit for these great gift ideas by giving the ideas to you. He's trying to make it easy on you. If you have better gift ideas and take joy in choosing the gift yourself, you could ask your dad if it's ok if you choose something not on the list. But take the suggestions as an attempt to make this easier for you, not as an affront.
posted by sdrawkcaSSAb at 12:14 PM on January 21, 2019 [14 favorites]
Ugh gift giving under pressure is no fun and sort of saps the meaning out of it entirely. I get why you don't want to participate in this. On top of that, I would think that someone in their 50s has all the stuff they need and really adding more on top of that is not helpful and makes the selection of a gift difficult.
That said, there is something to be said for family harmony and doing this for your dad, more than his girlfriend. So why not give a gift they can both enjoy and something that is experienced base. Get them a gift card to a nice restaurant in their area, or for a couples massage, or a class they can enjoy, or tickets to a concert. Experiences are more valuable and memorable than things. And that way you can frame this as a gift for your father, who you love, rather than just his girlfriend, who you are meh about.
posted by brookeb at 12:49 PM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
That said, there is something to be said for family harmony and doing this for your dad, more than his girlfriend. So why not give a gift they can both enjoy and something that is experienced base. Get them a gift card to a nice restaurant in their area, or for a couples massage, or a class they can enjoy, or tickets to a concert. Experiences are more valuable and memorable than things. And that way you can frame this as a gift for your father, who you love, rather than just his girlfriend, who you are meh about.
posted by brookeb at 12:49 PM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
How do I let my dad (and her?) know that I will not be buying her gifts going forward? (Yes, I realize I can just say "I will not be buying you birthday gifts going forward", is that the best way to approach this?)
What you're really asking is if there is a way to tell her that without it causing some kind of major meltdown and all signs point to NO.
Sorry.
You can choose to do this for your own long term sanity, and that's a valid life choice that you are making, but it is going to lead to THE DRAMAZ. Definitely in the short term, probably in the long term.
Would she meltdown over a charitable donation in her honour? That might be an approach that allows you to give a "gift" that "honours" her birthday without wasting money on buying stuff for a person who doesn't need it and doesn't appear to respect you. It can be a legit donation to a charity she would appreciate, not a passive aggressive one, but something that isn't buying her a thing.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:04 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
What you're really asking is if there is a way to tell her that without it causing some kind of major meltdown and all signs point to NO.
Sorry.
You can choose to do this for your own long term sanity, and that's a valid life choice that you are making, but it is going to lead to THE DRAMAZ. Definitely in the short term, probably in the long term.
Would she meltdown over a charitable donation in her honour? That might be an approach that allows you to give a "gift" that "honours" her birthday without wasting money on buying stuff for a person who doesn't need it and doesn't appear to respect you. It can be a legit donation to a charity she would appreciate, not a passive aggressive one, but something that isn't buying her a thing.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:04 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
You needn't buy gifts for anyone, even people you love most. I'm not sure you need even say anything, simply cease buying gifts. All parties involved will Deal With It and move on.
posted by GoblinHoney at 1:21 PM on January 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by GoblinHoney at 1:21 PM on January 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
I guess I'll go full mefite and say that it's clear that she needs some therapy around the childhood trauma and estrangement from her family of origin. That's very, very likely to be the root of this extreme importance around gifts at birthdays. It's not surprising that the fixation is around birthday gifts, specifically, as birthdays are individual and special for a single person rather than being a collective gift-giving holiday. And, as much as I'd love to say, just stop doing it! I'm afraid that the fallout will be far worse for you, your sister and your Dad. It sucks, but there it is.
The sending of the unsolicited list also seems really gross. Just one step away from handing her a bundle of cash. If it were me, I'd ask my Dad to stop sending the gift suggestion list as it just makes a bad thing worse. That's unless you find it genuinely helpful. I'd just find it annoying and rude.
For me, it would help to imagine her as a child when I was buying the birthday gift. As an adult she seems rude, manipulative, and childish, but as a child she was likely treated poorly, neglected, and made to feel unloved. If I imagine that I'm buying that gift for a child that desperately wants love and attention that she's not getting, it makes this whole thing much easier. It also seems like the path of least resistance in keeping a shred of family harmony.
posted by quince at 1:37 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
The sending of the unsolicited list also seems really gross. Just one step away from handing her a bundle of cash. If it were me, I'd ask my Dad to stop sending the gift suggestion list as it just makes a bad thing worse. That's unless you find it genuinely helpful. I'd just find it annoying and rude.
For me, it would help to imagine her as a child when I was buying the birthday gift. As an adult she seems rude, manipulative, and childish, but as a child she was likely treated poorly, neglected, and made to feel unloved. If I imagine that I'm buying that gift for a child that desperately wants love and attention that she's not getting, it makes this whole thing much easier. It also seems like the path of least resistance in keeping a shred of family harmony.
posted by quince at 1:37 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
If you decide to opt out of giving and receiving gifts with both your father and his wife, a good time to bring it up is before YOUR birthday. That way, it’s less reasonable for her to take it personally. If you can get your sister to also ask for no gifts, that could make things easier for you.
posted by wryly at 2:01 PM on January 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by wryly at 2:01 PM on January 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
You are allowed to opt out of the supporting role in this drama. You are allowed to see your father alone, without her presence (as long as he cooperates). You are allowed to have zero relationship with her. You are not an awful person for wanting to do that.
He obviously gets things from the relationship with his companion, or he would have ended things when he mentioned it in the past. The risk you take in making this change is that your father may choose to appease his companion at the expense of your relationship with him. Bluntly, if he has to choose between her and you, he may choose her. If the cost of admission to a relationship with him is to perpetuate this farce, are you willing to accept that and make peace with it? Or will the resentment bubble up and taint the time you spend with him?
[Personally, I have zero GAF for adults who want me to crown them The Special Birthday Princess on Their Utterly Unique Occasion, and this is a hill I would die upon. I understand childhood traumas and emotional scars related to birthdays and the difference between expectation/hope and reality. I also believe that part of becoming an adult is taking responsibility for addressing these issues (whether through therapy or other means) and realizing that every single person on this planet has a birthday, every single year. Your birthday is special to YOU, not to everyone around you; if you want a party, then put together a party. If you want people to shower you with gifts, that sounds like a good starting topic to discuss with your therapist.]
posted by Dogged Persistence at 3:22 PM on January 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
He obviously gets things from the relationship with his companion, or he would have ended things when he mentioned it in the past. The risk you take in making this change is that your father may choose to appease his companion at the expense of your relationship with him. Bluntly, if he has to choose between her and you, he may choose her. If the cost of admission to a relationship with him is to perpetuate this farce, are you willing to accept that and make peace with it? Or will the resentment bubble up and taint the time you spend with him?
[Personally, I have zero GAF for adults who want me to crown them The Special Birthday Princess on Their Utterly Unique Occasion, and this is a hill I would die upon. I understand childhood traumas and emotional scars related to birthdays and the difference between expectation/hope and reality. I also believe that part of becoming an adult is taking responsibility for addressing these issues (whether through therapy or other means) and realizing that every single person on this planet has a birthday, every single year. Your birthday is special to YOU, not to everyone around you; if you want a party, then put together a party. If you want people to shower you with gifts, that sounds like a good starting topic to discuss with your therapist.]
posted by Dogged Persistence at 3:22 PM on January 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
Ask your dad to stop sending the pre-emptive gift ideas emails. You don’t need to explain why, just ask that he stop doing it. This is a part of you being an adult daughter who can be relied upon to acknowledge her birthday in your own civil way, which is as you say, not a big deal in terms of time. You are bristling at your dad making his intimate partner’s archaic issues yours and your sister’s. [from my experience with my father’s similar partner, I don’t think you can please step-mother figures who have this baggage btw, no matter what you deliver as a gift.]
Next year get a generic bunch of flowers delivered with a ‘happy birthday from anonymous’ [maybe also ‘anonymous and sister’] and don’t engage if he persists in sending emails or talking about her issues with you. Shut conversations down with ‘I hope she has a lovely day’ and change the subject. Wean everybody off this triangulated dynamic.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:49 PM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Next year get a generic bunch of flowers delivered with a ‘happy birthday from anonymous’ [maybe also ‘anonymous and sister’] and don’t engage if he persists in sending emails or talking about her issues with you. Shut conversations down with ‘I hope she has a lovely day’ and change the subject. Wean everybody off this triangulated dynamic.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:49 PM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Can you compromise by setting a relatively low limit for how much you'll spend, like 20 bucks? Her behavior is ridiculous but that would allow you to keep the peace and keep some of your own sanity about this.
posted by Amy93 at 6:58 PM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Amy93 at 6:58 PM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
I’m going to tell you this story simply so you feel less alone. My divorced brother moved in with a woman and refused to name the nature of their relationship. I mean, he really skirted around it but still hinted that they were romantically involved but would deny it if pressed. I’d be told via phone about all their dramas but he would refuse to call her his partner.
Eventually after about seven years (I lived on opposite sides of the country) I met her. Once. Thought nothing of it. Then two years later I was subjected to a barrage of text abuse from my brother about why I never wished Sheila a happy birthday, or sent her a gift, because they were so important to her. I was confused. She was a total stranger. Who apparently he wasn’t even seeing.
He’d never told me it was her birthday or that it was important, or considered why I would wish someone I’d only met in passing a happy birthday. Not only that, if birthdays were such a big thing in his world, why had he never wished my husband - who he knew and I was married to - a happy birthday? So many inconsistencies. Anyway, he flipped out. These days I send her a text and that’s about it (except this post has reminded me that I forgot this year and he didn’t yell at me! So I sympathise.
In short, I would ask your father to arrange a gift, throw $20 towards it and ask him to put your name on the card. They’re both ridiculous. Indulge them just enough that it doesn’t cause drama and wash your hands of it. And thank your lucky stars you didn’t have to grow up with her around, imagine that.
posted by Jubey at 1:58 AM on January 22, 2019
Eventually after about seven years (I lived on opposite sides of the country) I met her. Once. Thought nothing of it. Then two years later I was subjected to a barrage of text abuse from my brother about why I never wished Sheila a happy birthday, or sent her a gift, because they were so important to her. I was confused. She was a total stranger. Who apparently he wasn’t even seeing.
He’d never told me it was her birthday or that it was important, or considered why I would wish someone I’d only met in passing a happy birthday. Not only that, if birthdays were such a big thing in his world, why had he never wished my husband - who he knew and I was married to - a happy birthday? So many inconsistencies. Anyway, he flipped out. These days I send her a text and that’s about it (except this post has reminded me that I forgot this year and he didn’t yell at me! So I sympathise.
In short, I would ask your father to arrange a gift, throw $20 towards it and ask him to put your name on the card. They’re both ridiculous. Indulge them just enough that it doesn’t cause drama and wash your hands of it. And thank your lucky stars you didn’t have to grow up with her around, imagine that.
posted by Jubey at 1:58 AM on January 22, 2019
If you do decide to just suck it up and send the gifts, and not go with your dad's list program, maybe send something that expresses who you are. Is there a book or food item or piece of clothing that you see before the holiday season and think, "I'll be sending this to multiple people"? My baby sister sends me stuff that's her favorite and it's usually breathtaking hip and cool to me. Send her something breathtakingly hip and cool. I like the magazine idea too; maybe you can send something that would make her hipper and cooler every month.
posted by BibiRose at 7:10 AM on January 22, 2019
posted by BibiRose at 7:10 AM on January 22, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by missmagenta at 10:45 AM on January 21, 2019 [15 favorites]