Help me pre-plan for a challenging family visit
January 19, 2019 5:33 AM Subscribe
Our parents are travelling from Australia to London to see their new grandchild. in a few months. Complication: they're elderly, increasingly technophobic, and historically very high maintenance during visits. Further complication: I asked them to book travel just three weeks after my due date (major rookie mistake), so there's every chance I'll have given birth just days before they arrive. Help us head off major problems at the pass.
We haven't lived in Australia for more than 10 years. When our parents have visited us, they've always had enormous difficulty with currency, public transport, navigating the city, buying groceries and making plans.
My mother is slightly better than my in-laws, because she typically visits with my sister who helps her out. My in-laws are... very difficult. They're originally from North America, and my MIL in particular is very 'Minnesota nice.' They refuse to do things like learn how to download apps, look things up online, or book things online - whenever they travel we have to book their flights and accommodation for them. For instance, during my wedding day they called me multiple times when I was getting ready to ask me to arrange taxis and transport. My MIL is a big complainer; she'll complain loudly and often about how foolish, silly or unreasonable something is until either my husband or I fix it for her. I find this very emotionally challenging. They also generally expect that we make plans, cook meals and entertain them 24/7 during their visits. This has been manageable in the past, but neither my husband or I will have the bandwidth to deal with this on this visit with a new baby.
My mother is great at helping me deal with my frustrations with my in laws, and I'm very glad she's coming, but she also struggles a little in a new place.
We're planning on sending them a 'welcome packet' through the mail to help them out on their arrival. I'm after suggestions to flesh out this packet and hopefully head off some of the major issues at the pass. In an ideal world, we'd find a way to convince them to use apps like Citymapper and Google Maps for navigation, but I'm not sure how to accomplish that. Here's a working list of what we're thinking of including:
- Heathrow Express tickets
- Detailed transport instructions from Paddington to our address
- Oyster cards (I can't decide if I should pre-load it with cash or a weekly travelcard)
- Prepaid SIM cards (my sister will show my mother how to change a SIM card, not sure about my parents in law?)
- Tube map
- List of local grocery stores, cafes, restaurants etc.
- Day trip itineraries (not sure where - Kew Gardens? Brighton? Museums?)
- Instructions on how to recharge an Oyster card (ideally I'd take step by step pictures at a ticket machine but I get the sense TFL would frown on that)
- I was thinking of including a step by step guide on how to use Citymapper and Google Maps, but I'm not sure how much use that would be.
Is there anything else we should think of including? What are some other strategies for dealing with difficult family when you have a baby? Also, my husband is VERY AWARE of these issues with our parents and we're very much approaching it as a team.
We haven't lived in Australia for more than 10 years. When our parents have visited us, they've always had enormous difficulty with currency, public transport, navigating the city, buying groceries and making plans.
My mother is slightly better than my in-laws, because she typically visits with my sister who helps her out. My in-laws are... very difficult. They're originally from North America, and my MIL in particular is very 'Minnesota nice.' They refuse to do things like learn how to download apps, look things up online, or book things online - whenever they travel we have to book their flights and accommodation for them. For instance, during my wedding day they called me multiple times when I was getting ready to ask me to arrange taxis and transport. My MIL is a big complainer; she'll complain loudly and often about how foolish, silly or unreasonable something is until either my husband or I fix it for her. I find this very emotionally challenging. They also generally expect that we make plans, cook meals and entertain them 24/7 during their visits. This has been manageable in the past, but neither my husband or I will have the bandwidth to deal with this on this visit with a new baby.
My mother is great at helping me deal with my frustrations with my in laws, and I'm very glad she's coming, but she also struggles a little in a new place.
We're planning on sending them a 'welcome packet' through the mail to help them out on their arrival. I'm after suggestions to flesh out this packet and hopefully head off some of the major issues at the pass. In an ideal world, we'd find a way to convince them to use apps like Citymapper and Google Maps for navigation, but I'm not sure how to accomplish that. Here's a working list of what we're thinking of including:
- Heathrow Express tickets
- Detailed transport instructions from Paddington to our address
- Oyster cards (I can't decide if I should pre-load it with cash or a weekly travelcard)
- Prepaid SIM cards (my sister will show my mother how to change a SIM card, not sure about my parents in law?)
- Tube map
- List of local grocery stores, cafes, restaurants etc.
- Day trip itineraries (not sure where - Kew Gardens? Brighton? Museums?)
- Instructions on how to recharge an Oyster card (ideally I'd take step by step pictures at a ticket machine but I get the sense TFL would frown on that)
- I was thinking of including a step by step guide on how to use Citymapper and Google Maps, but I'm not sure how much use that would be.
Is there anything else we should think of including? What are some other strategies for dealing with difficult family when you have a baby? Also, my husband is VERY AWARE of these issues with our parents and we're very much approaching it as a team.
There's nothing wrong with paper maps, much easier to get the big picture and zoom in by folding it various ways. You can highlight your street, nearest tube station, good local restaurants, etc.
It's a huge effort but can your husband meet them at the airport? It's a great luxury to be met after a long flight when jet lagged. He can navigate the transport system for them.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 6:08 AM on January 19, 2019 [14 favorites]
It's a huge effort but can your husband meet them at the airport? It's a great luxury to be met after a long flight when jet lagged. He can navigate the transport system for them.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 6:08 AM on January 19, 2019 [14 favorites]
If I were you, I would push the visit from my in-laws, and perhaps the visit from my mother, back several months, even it upset people and cost me several hundred pounds/dollars to do so. Here's why:
1) Hopefully you'll sail through birth without any problems or complications, but these things are hard to predict. You need to spend the days and weeks after birth recovering, not playing tour guide and travel agent to family. Even if those concerns were 100% on Mr. Nerdfish (which it doesn't sound like they are, as they were calling you the day of the wedding instead of him!), his role during that time is to support you and the baby. This is exponentially more true if you have any birth complications or a c-section.
2) A 6-8 month old baby is going to be a better experience for them than a newborn. They are more interactive, you can play with them, they could feed them some cereal and strained veggies, read them books, you have a better chance of having some kind of sleep schedule worked out, you'll be more skilled at taking a baby places, etc. A newborn is an amazing miracle, but mostly just poops and eats for a while. The picture that most people hold in their head of "baby" is really a 6 month old.
It is ok to tell everyone that you realized you scheduled the visit too soon/talked with your midwife and she recommended waiting a few months before having foreign visitors/want to get breastfeeding established/make up anything that suits here, and that you need to reset the timing, particularly if you are a few months out.
Going forward, I would think about having the in-laws work with a travel agent to make arrangements so that burden isn't on you or the husband.
posted by jeoc at 6:11 AM on January 19, 2019 [42 favorites]
1) Hopefully you'll sail through birth without any problems or complications, but these things are hard to predict. You need to spend the days and weeks after birth recovering, not playing tour guide and travel agent to family. Even if those concerns were 100% on Mr. Nerdfish (which it doesn't sound like they are, as they were calling you the day of the wedding instead of him!), his role during that time is to support you and the baby. This is exponentially more true if you have any birth complications or a c-section.
2) A 6-8 month old baby is going to be a better experience for them than a newborn. They are more interactive, you can play with them, they could feed them some cereal and strained veggies, read them books, you have a better chance of having some kind of sleep schedule worked out, you'll be more skilled at taking a baby places, etc. A newborn is an amazing miracle, but mostly just poops and eats for a while. The picture that most people hold in their head of "baby" is really a 6 month old.
It is ok to tell everyone that you realized you scheduled the visit too soon/talked with your midwife and she recommended waiting a few months before having foreign visitors/want to get breastfeeding established/make up anything that suits here, and that you need to reset the timing, particularly if you are a few months out.
Going forward, I would think about having the in-laws work with a travel agent to make arrangements so that burden isn't on you or the husband.
posted by jeoc at 6:11 AM on January 19, 2019 [42 favorites]
If nothing has been booked I’d start by rescheduling this for six months to a year out.
I’d start by sending them to a travel agent for flights, there are still some left.
I’d not rely on them having any inclination to do anything that requires planning or forethought or independent navigation. Get them tickets for hop on hop off bus with stops highlighted that they might enjoy. Get them on a boat to go up and down the Thames. They can join daytrips to Brighton or Oxford or wherever by coach, with other tourists. That kind of thing. Worst case they could take a taxi to any departure points/return to your house.
As your mother seems to be willing to learn she may have to do the heavy lifting here, which is a shame because she was probably hoping to spend time with you and baby. But her learning to navigate and use Uber or such would go a long way to reduce your pain here. Surely your sister could show her how to do that and she could practice a bit at home to build confidence?
In the UK you can be pretty cashless at this point so make sure they have told their bank they will be travelling and then they can pay electronically and don’t have to deal with cash. Give them each a piece of paper with your address on and set them loose. Will they do things economically, no, there will be higher bank charges and taxi fares etc but it is not your job to prevent that. That is the price they pay for refusing to learn.
Sorry they are so needy, this would be tiresome at any time so the best I can think of is getting them out of the house for long stretches under a third party’s guidance - hence the suggestions for guided trips in the widest sense.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:12 AM on January 19, 2019 [6 favorites]
I’d start by sending them to a travel agent for flights, there are still some left.
I’d not rely on them having any inclination to do anything that requires planning or forethought or independent navigation. Get them tickets for hop on hop off bus with stops highlighted that they might enjoy. Get them on a boat to go up and down the Thames. They can join daytrips to Brighton or Oxford or wherever by coach, with other tourists. That kind of thing. Worst case they could take a taxi to any departure points/return to your house.
As your mother seems to be willing to learn she may have to do the heavy lifting here, which is a shame because she was probably hoping to spend time with you and baby. But her learning to navigate and use Uber or such would go a long way to reduce your pain here. Surely your sister could show her how to do that and she could practice a bit at home to build confidence?
In the UK you can be pretty cashless at this point so make sure they have told their bank they will be travelling and then they can pay electronically and don’t have to deal with cash. Give them each a piece of paper with your address on and set them loose. Will they do things economically, no, there will be higher bank charges and taxi fares etc but it is not your job to prevent that. That is the price they pay for refusing to learn.
Sorry they are so needy, this would be tiresome at any time so the best I can think of is getting them out of the house for long stretches under a third party’s guidance - hence the suggestions for guided trips in the widest sense.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:12 AM on January 19, 2019 [6 favorites]
If they won't do things the newfangled way, it's still possible to do most things the old-fashioned way. Send them a guidebook to London, ideally one that doesn't rely too much on tech-based instructions for things). Paper maps, a list of tours they can sign up for, the number for a cab company or two. If they get lost or don't know how to operate a machine or something, they know the language - they can ask the people around them for help, just like people have always done. They moved to a new country once, they can manage. That doesn't take their neediness into account, but keeping it in mind might make you feel less guilty if you need to do things like tell them to figure something out on their own or call for their own damn cab.
I really wouldn't bother trying to get them to use any apps or things like that. Do let then know in advance that you'll be less able to watch out for them, and if you can definitely try to move the visit back a bit.
posted by trig at 6:24 AM on January 19, 2019 [7 favorites]
I really wouldn't bother trying to get them to use any apps or things like that. Do let then know in advance that you'll be less able to watch out for them, and if you can definitely try to move the visit back a bit.
posted by trig at 6:24 AM on January 19, 2019 [7 favorites]
Do you have friends who can do some of the heavy lifting with your inlaws such as picking them up at the airport, answering questions about transportation etc.? People who love you want to help after you've had a baby. This is a great way to let them help you.
posted by mcduff at 6:37 AM on January 19, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by mcduff at 6:37 AM on January 19, 2019 [13 favorites]
(also once flight dates are finalized and assuming they can afford this, you could ask them to get themselves to a travel agent where they live and have the agent book some day tours, shows, etc. for them. Agents still exist, and it sounds like it might make sense for them to start using them.)
posted by trig at 6:38 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by trig at 6:38 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
Like trig said - a hand-held guide (like the old ABCs) is easy to navigate, throw in a TimeOut London as well. If you can't push the date back, set up their expectations now: firm boundaries around what you're prepared to do/not do for them. See if you can recruit someone (your mum? Your partner?) to take MIL aside and have a word about the complaining. Get a whole bunch of ready meals and easy-to-cart-around snacks like muesli bars that they can eat, so they can always grab something on the go.
posted by Gin and Broadband at 6:39 AM on January 19, 2019
posted by Gin and Broadband at 6:39 AM on January 19, 2019
Nthing the paper map. I would also add a Minnesota Nice note to the package saying you are glad they are coming, hope they can plan plenty of time at your house to visit you both with the baby, and that you hope these materials will be useful to them as they plan how to occupy the rest of their time.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:51 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 6:51 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Not to threadsit, but unfortunately moving the trip is not an option, financially or practically. One good thing is that my mother is very much on board to run interference, and that's a huge relief.
With regards to the wedding anecdote, they called me rather than Mr Fish because they didn't want to bother Mr Fish on his wedding day. The irony is not lost on me.
posted by nerdfish at 6:54 AM on January 19, 2019 [23 favorites]
With regards to the wedding anecdote, they called me rather than Mr Fish because they didn't want to bother Mr Fish on his wedding day. The irony is not lost on me.
posted by nerdfish at 6:54 AM on January 19, 2019 [23 favorites]
Can your husband explicitly say to them (some variation of): "I know usually when you come to visit, we plan your itinerary round the clock, but we won't be able to do that this time, because of the baby. We'd like you to come over for the whole of your first day, but after that, we'd like you to do your own thing until 4pm and after that you're welcome to come over. We'll send you some itineraries to help you entertain yourselves."
(I'm assuming they're staying in a hotel. If not, I suggest they do, and ideally somewhere that has a lounge where they can while away a morning reading the newspapers over coffee etc.).
posted by penguin pie at 7:40 AM on January 19, 2019 [11 favorites]
(I'm assuming they're staying in a hotel. If not, I suggest they do, and ideally somewhere that has a lounge where they can while away a morning reading the newspapers over coffee etc.).
posted by penguin pie at 7:40 AM on January 19, 2019 [11 favorites]
What Penguin Pie said. It’s so nice of you to think about all these things in advance of their visit. But your spouse needs to tell their parents (as many times as needed) that neither of you will be managing their trip for them beyond the packet you are sending them in advance. You will not be available to entertain them, manage reservations, transportation, accommodation or other things of this nature. You love them and are so happy to have them come but if they think that they can’t accept the limitations of your help then they should either reschedule the trip (despite the financial consequence) or they need to hire a travel agent to plan their trip for them.
posted by teamnap at 7:56 AM on January 19, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by teamnap at 7:56 AM on January 19, 2019 [11 favorites]
Nthing hoping that they're staying somewhere else. For your own sanity, that has to happen.
They are used to being accommodated, and that can't happen this time. Hubs has to step in and tell them that. They will complain anyway, but oh well. The fact that they contacted you repeatedly on you wedding day is pretty horrifying, tbh.
People choose whether or not to be considerate. My son and his wife live 1000 miles away, and just had their first child, my first grandchild <3. One week ago. They have already contacted us and asked us to come meet her, and of course we are going, since they invited us. We are staying in a hotel about 5 miles away, will stay 2 days total, and will let them dictate the times, and will offer to make them meals, and whatnot, but the idea of staying with them would not have ever even been on my radar. It's a very tiring, emotional, busy, hormonal time for new parents.
I remember when I had both of my children, how much I just did not want company when they were newborns, and I still, 30 years after having them, I remember who helped, who let me do me, and who caused problems (er that would be my MIL.....both times). There is just too much stress to deal with. You do not need this. And congratulations, and best wishes!
posted by the webmistress at 8:03 AM on January 19, 2019 [5 favorites]
They are used to being accommodated, and that can't happen this time. Hubs has to step in and tell them that. They will complain anyway, but oh well. The fact that they contacted you repeatedly on you wedding day is pretty horrifying, tbh.
People choose whether or not to be considerate. My son and his wife live 1000 miles away, and just had their first child, my first grandchild <3. One week ago. They have already contacted us and asked us to come meet her, and of course we are going, since they invited us. We are staying in a hotel about 5 miles away, will stay 2 days total, and will let them dictate the times, and will offer to make them meals, and whatnot, but the idea of staying with them would not have ever even been on my radar. It's a very tiring, emotional, busy, hormonal time for new parents.
I remember when I had both of my children, how much I just did not want company when they were newborns, and I still, 30 years after having them, I remember who helped, who let me do me, and who caused problems (er that would be my MIL.....both times). There is just too much stress to deal with. You do not need this. And congratulations, and best wishes!
posted by the webmistress at 8:03 AM on January 19, 2019 [5 favorites]
They're adults who have traveled to other countries before and are perfectly capable of figuring out how to do things, even in an unfamiliar place. Maybe it will involve asking strangers for help but as adults they can certainly manage that if they have to. Maybe the best approach is convincing them that they do have to. Instead of putting a huge amount of effort into gathering information and trying to make it all as easy for them as possible, as if you were the parents, I feel like you might have more success being the kids who need help from their parents, and asking them to help you out. You will have just had a baby; you'll undoubtedly be in need of real help in a variety of ways and if nothing else you'll need them to help by not adding to your task list and your stress. I think most parents are likely to step up and do what has to be done if their kid needs help, and they may actually enjoy being in that role more than being in the role of helpless old person who has to get instructions for everything. I would simply tell them the truth - that you expect you're going to be really stressed out by having a new baby and you're going to need them to help by taking as much as possible off your shoulders.
posted by Redstart at 8:08 AM on January 19, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by Redstart at 8:08 AM on January 19, 2019 [11 favorites]
I want to echo a point made above about asking your social network to help relieve your stress and entertain your family. To ask your friend, I imagine something like, “hey! My parents are coming to town after the baby comes and although I love them, they need a lot of handholding and I’m afraid we’ll be busy with the baby. It would be a big favor to me if you could take them out to show them around for an hour or two one evening - just to give them some activity, and us some breathing room. Would you be open to that?” If I were your friend, I would definitely be happy to help, even if I’d never met your parents.
posted by samthemander at 8:40 AM on January 19, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by samthemander at 8:40 AM on January 19, 2019 [7 favorites]
Travel agents still exist in Australia, I know my very tech literate niece used one just last year to plan a trip to visit me, you don't need to be tech literate to travel my very not tech literate mother traveled the world up until 2 years ago without the use of a single app. Send your family to a travel agent. Let the travel agent handle all the planning, tell them if they want to do stuff beside visit while they are here to organise it in advance with the travel agent as you will have just had a baby. If they ask you to sort something out tell them to ring the travel agent. It's not your problem.
posted by wwax at 8:46 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by wwax at 8:46 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm personally in favor of allowing them to be responsible for their own happiness and enjoyment for this trip. You'll have just done an amazing amount of work bringing a new life into the world, and your husband's top priority should always be you, and if your in-laws don't appreciate this, then I feel like that should be on them. I think that the suggestion to make them a travel agent's problem is a great one.
posted by Aleyn at 9:22 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Aleyn at 9:22 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure what you get out of your relationship with your inlaws other than grief and obligations. My response, as a complete hardass when it comes to dealing with privileged people, would be to simply refuse to indulge any of their shit. Be a decent host in as much as you might be to any normal person, but if you get nonsense that you shouldn't have to cope with, just nope out of it.
I mean it seems absurd but these people are looking forward to coming to your brand-new-baby household and running absolutely roughshod over you personally. They didn't want to bother Mr Fish? Pfft. They don't like you, they don't respect you, and they're going to second guess and criticize every damn thing you do with your baby.
This is not something anyone should ever have to do. Don't let these people leave their indelibly monstrous imprint on the first few months of your baby's life. I hear you when you say you can't move the visit, but it's just money? Money you can pay to not be miserable? Isn't that what money's for?
I dunno if you'll listen, but this is my advice. Just say no, or: not at this time.
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:25 AM on January 19, 2019 [10 favorites]
I mean it seems absurd but these people are looking forward to coming to your brand-new-baby household and running absolutely roughshod over you personally. They didn't want to bother Mr Fish? Pfft. They don't like you, they don't respect you, and they're going to second guess and criticize every damn thing you do with your baby.
This is not something anyone should ever have to do. Don't let these people leave their indelibly monstrous imprint on the first few months of your baby's life. I hear you when you say you can't move the visit, but it's just money? Money you can pay to not be miserable? Isn't that what money's for?
I dunno if you'll listen, but this is my advice. Just say no, or: not at this time.
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:25 AM on January 19, 2019 [10 favorites]
Complaining a lot doesn't sound very "Minnesota nice" -- though I admit I don't really know what that means. I wonder if they might realize that they will have to pitch in more since they are specifically coming to see new parents -- I think it's OK to just level with them that you won't be available. Is there anything redeeming about them at all? I find it hard to think about relationships with in-laws without asking what your husband thinks/feels about them, too.
And this may be an annoying comment, but for your own personal reframing, it might be worth thinking more in lines of gratitude: how lovely it is that my child will have grandparents who want to travel 24 hours to see him/her? I recently lost a parent, and my goodness I wish she was here to see her grandkids.
posted by heavenknows at 9:53 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
And this may be an annoying comment, but for your own personal reframing, it might be worth thinking more in lines of gratitude: how lovely it is that my child will have grandparents who want to travel 24 hours to see him/her? I recently lost a parent, and my goodness I wish she was here to see her grandkids.
posted by heavenknows at 9:53 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
I've got a 6 week old napping upstairs, so some very recent experiences with this--my parents came a little over two weeks out; father-in-law a few days later.
We handled my parents by pre-thinking of things for them to do around the house. They're very antsy/like to always be doing something, and are generally good at entertaining themselves, but we knew we'd have to supplement. We had the usual things-- grocery shopping and cooking, laundry, watching the baby for a bit while we went for a walk. But also we had my father entertain himself for the better part of a day upgrading/replacing our smoke alarms.
Nthing the advice to have them stay elsewhere if at all possible, with firm guidelines on when they can come in the morning, and when they should leave at night. Also, if they should call before leaving the hotel.
YMMV, but I found it very, very easy, post baby, to be direct about all this in a way I wasn't before.
posted by damayanti at 10:05 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
We handled my parents by pre-thinking of things for them to do around the house. They're very antsy/like to always be doing something, and are generally good at entertaining themselves, but we knew we'd have to supplement. We had the usual things-- grocery shopping and cooking, laundry, watching the baby for a bit while we went for a walk. But also we had my father entertain himself for the better part of a day upgrading/replacing our smoke alarms.
Nthing the advice to have them stay elsewhere if at all possible, with firm guidelines on when they can come in the morning, and when they should leave at night. Also, if they should call before leaving the hotel.
YMMV, but I found it very, very easy, post baby, to be direct about all this in a way I wasn't before.
posted by damayanti at 10:05 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
I agree with the suggestions regarding paper maps, etc. Some of us older folks are more or less comfortable with technology. It's great that they are not staying with you. My suggestions is that you send a small packet with only the items they will need to get to their ultimate destination. Then, have the additional items waiting for them in their accommodations with some flowers and a welcoming note indicating what times are good for them to visit and when they should use the information provided to amuse themselves. I wish you the best in getting through this visit and with your new baby.
posted by Scout405 at 10:08 AM on January 19, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by Scout405 at 10:08 AM on January 19, 2019 [3 favorites]
Moleskine makes a London City Notebook that has street maps, a Tube map, and other basic information, but is otherwise blank. You can fill it in with suggested itineraries for them, cross-referenced to the appropriate map pages, locations highlighted, even walking routes marked. Back it up with a bigger travel guide if you think they might want to go off-piste, but it would be a very compact way of getting all the information in one place. And then they have a nice souvenir of their visit, especially if they take notes. I use these for the major cities that have them even though I'm perfectly capable of using apps, etc. (and do to supplement). My London one is stuffed to the brim with museum and restaurant notes from years gone by.
posted by praemunire at 10:19 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 10:19 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
They also generally expect that we make plans, cook meals and entertain them 24/7 during their visits. This has been manageable in the past, but neither my husband or I will have the bandwidth to deal with this on this visit with a new baby.
To be clear is to be kind, and I think your husband should contact them now and explicitly say that this won't be happening this time. He can frame it as "I'm doing all that stuff while OP recovers from making a human", or "hey OP and I are both going to be exhausted and it would mean so much if you could plan meals in advance that you could cook for all of us."
Their reaction will tell you how to proceed, because they will either be reasonable or make clear that they intend to sit on your couch and hold your baby while you host them, possibly days after childbirth.
posted by nakedmolerats at 1:29 PM on January 19, 2019 [4 favorites]
To be clear is to be kind, and I think your husband should contact them now and explicitly say that this won't be happening this time. He can frame it as "I'm doing all that stuff while OP recovers from making a human", or "hey OP and I are both going to be exhausted and it would mean so much if you could plan meals in advance that you could cook for all of us."
Their reaction will tell you how to proceed, because they will either be reasonable or make clear that they intend to sit on your couch and hold your baby while you host them, possibly days after childbirth.
posted by nakedmolerats at 1:29 PM on January 19, 2019 [4 favorites]
I second everyone's advice to tell them you won't be able to guide them every step of the way, but based on how you've described them, I expect they will call anyway. Don't answer their calls! Maybe answer every few calls with a text from your husband saying "dealing with baby stuff, see you at X time like we planned!" but do not give in and answer them. Or if that 1 text isn't sufficient/they call you 20 times an hour, have your mom/a good friend text them and offer to help them instead.
Like everyone is saying, they are adults who have moved to a new country before and they will survive spending a day in the city without your guidance (especially if you put together the welcome packet you've described above). If you answer your calls, though, they will continue to stress you out/probably force you into helping them, because it's much harder to say "no" when they're in your ear saying they're lost and can't find any food and worried about being robbed, or whatever their concerns are.
Good luck!
posted by jouir at 4:48 PM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
Like everyone is saying, they are adults who have moved to a new country before and they will survive spending a day in the city without your guidance (especially if you put together the welcome packet you've described above). If you answer your calls, though, they will continue to stress you out/probably force you into helping them, because it's much harder to say "no" when they're in your ear saying they're lost and can't find any food and worried about being robbed, or whatever their concerns are.
Good luck!
posted by jouir at 4:48 PM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
I had my in-laws visiting when our little one was 2 weeks old and my parents visit over her 3-4 week old periods. My in-laws are pretty seasoned travellers but my parents need a lot of help and attention. I think many people covered good points here so I will just stick with some aspects from our experience that I hope will help you
- My husband told his parents they were not staying with us. We paid for a B&B for them and they just came during the day. I know this is not practical for you, but here is the bigger point: They pushed back saying they don’t mind staying with us and they are used to babies. But my husband held firm. After week 1 we KNEW we were not ready for overnight guests no matter how close they were to us. He told them very firmly, but not unkindly, that this was for us, not for them and to respect our space as we were still navigating the bewildering experience of new parenthood. The moral of this story is your husband needs to have a blunt, clear talk with his parents to manage their expectations. This is NOT like other trips. You should NOT have to plan things for them. They get bored? Tough cookies. Seriously. You will NOT have the bandwidth to consider their happiness and the sooner they are informed of this reality the better.
- My mom was desperate to be helpful to me and help me recover. But as much as this intention was lovely we had some teething issues when she first arrived. For example, she would make me meals and then badger me to eat it while it was hot. Despite the fact I was either sleeping, nursing a baby, soothing a baby and... that was it, that was my life. I became really stressed out about eating! So I finally cracked and less than kindly told her to back off and make the meals and let me get to it when I am able to and not nag me about it. The moral of this story is that when they are there, you need to feel you can state your needs clearly and bluntly. You will have NO headspace to try and say things in a nice or considerate way. Sleep deprivation will prevent you from being a nice person to anyone but your baby and mayyyybe your partner. This is OK and needs to be understood and respected.
Tl;dr
- Have the come to Jesus talk with all visitors NOW to manage their expectations. They will NOT be treated like houseguests and they need to know that. They will need to become more self sufficient. If they don’t they can become housebound and bored and oh well because they have been told.
- Start getting comfortable with the idea of asking for things and being a burden on others. IT IS OKAY TO BE A BURDEN WHEN YOU’VE JUST HAD A BABY. This includes having your partner doing all the difficult conversations with everyone. You just focus on you and the baby. I’m not just saying this to be nice. You literally won’t be able to focus on anyone else and nor should you.
Good luck!!
posted by like_neon at 3:31 AM on January 20, 2019 [5 favorites]
- My husband told his parents they were not staying with us. We paid for a B&B for them and they just came during the day. I know this is not practical for you, but here is the bigger point: They pushed back saying they don’t mind staying with us and they are used to babies. But my husband held firm. After week 1 we KNEW we were not ready for overnight guests no matter how close they were to us. He told them very firmly, but not unkindly, that this was for us, not for them and to respect our space as we were still navigating the bewildering experience of new parenthood. The moral of this story is your husband needs to have a blunt, clear talk with his parents to manage their expectations. This is NOT like other trips. You should NOT have to plan things for them. They get bored? Tough cookies. Seriously. You will NOT have the bandwidth to consider their happiness and the sooner they are informed of this reality the better.
- My mom was desperate to be helpful to me and help me recover. But as much as this intention was lovely we had some teething issues when she first arrived. For example, she would make me meals and then badger me to eat it while it was hot. Despite the fact I was either sleeping, nursing a baby, soothing a baby and... that was it, that was my life. I became really stressed out about eating! So I finally cracked and less than kindly told her to back off and make the meals and let me get to it when I am able to and not nag me about it. The moral of this story is that when they are there, you need to feel you can state your needs clearly and bluntly. You will have NO headspace to try and say things in a nice or considerate way. Sleep deprivation will prevent you from being a nice person to anyone but your baby and mayyyybe your partner. This is OK and needs to be understood and respected.
Tl;dr
- Have the come to Jesus talk with all visitors NOW to manage their expectations. They will NOT be treated like houseguests and they need to know that. They will need to become more self sufficient. If they don’t they can become housebound and bored and oh well because they have been told.
- Start getting comfortable with the idea of asking for things and being a burden on others. IT IS OKAY TO BE A BURDEN WHEN YOU’VE JUST HAD A BABY. This includes having your partner doing all the difficult conversations with everyone. You just focus on you and the baby. I’m not just saying this to be nice. You literally won’t be able to focus on anyone else and nor should you.
Good luck!!
posted by like_neon at 3:31 AM on January 20, 2019 [5 favorites]
I know nothing about babies but I have needy parents and in-laws so a lot of this sounds familiar.
- yes to travel agents, they are still around every major shopping centre in Australia
- yes to splitting the welcome packet into "getting there" and "being there" sections. Too much info at one time will overwhelm them.
- yes to your partner starting to set boundaries ASAP and policing them during the visit
- yes to using old-school analog maps and tourist services
Also: pre-prepare questions about parenting (or any topic, but parenting and babies seems relevant). Ask with a bit of flattery, e.g. "well you did such a good job with husband, I wondered what you thought about feeding/nappies/baby books" or any topic you can handle hearing outdated info on. Or ask about stuff so far in the future it doesn't matter, like schools or adolescence or work/life balance for your baby. You don't have to take their advice, unless it's actually useful. Just smile and nod, say "mmm yes" or "oh I hadn't considered that angle". Ask what modern things they wish they'd had when they were going through this.
It's not just small talk or deflection, it's about letting them know they're valued even though you're not holding their hand, and hopefully in a way that doesn't need too much effort from you.
posted by harriet vane at 5:58 AM on January 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
- yes to travel agents, they are still around every major shopping centre in Australia
- yes to splitting the welcome packet into "getting there" and "being there" sections. Too much info at one time will overwhelm them.
- yes to your partner starting to set boundaries ASAP and policing them during the visit
- yes to using old-school analog maps and tourist services
Also: pre-prepare questions about parenting (or any topic, but parenting and babies seems relevant). Ask with a bit of flattery, e.g. "well you did such a good job with husband, I wondered what you thought about feeding/nappies/baby books" or any topic you can handle hearing outdated info on. Or ask about stuff so far in the future it doesn't matter, like schools or adolescence or work/life balance for your baby. You don't have to take their advice, unless it's actually useful. Just smile and nod, say "mmm yes" or "oh I hadn't considered that angle". Ask what modern things they wish they'd had when they were going through this.
It's not just small talk or deflection, it's about letting them know they're valued even though you're not holding their hand, and hopefully in a way that doesn't need too much effort from you.
posted by harriet vane at 5:58 AM on January 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
If possible, plan a few things that they can do easily in their "down time." My mother likes watching old crime shows and certain films - maybe having a television with some dvds or something really easy to use would help.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 6:17 AM on January 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 6:17 AM on January 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Just reviewing some of the suggestions and I thought of some more:
+1 don’t get them an Oyster. We just gave our parents our own contactless credit
cards to use on the Tube. No need to top up and they will always be charged the cheapest rate at the end of the week.
+1 send your husband to meet them at the airport. I know, it’ll feel daunting that he’s away a few hours and leaves you on your own but I got through it and so will you. It will be okay!
Figure out some favourites on Deliveroo. Trust me.
+1 think of specific chores or light DIY projects to assign your visitors. Ideas: laundry, dusting and vacuuming, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, snacks, making the tea. Brief them that they will be expected to help out with these things. Ask them bluntly to do them when they are there. Assuming they aren’t completely useless and they can do some of these things for you?! If they take the huff about being assigned chores they can just wander the streets of London and stay out of the way.
posted by like_neon at 7:53 AM on January 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
+1 don’t get them an Oyster. We just gave our parents our own contactless credit
cards to use on the Tube. No need to top up and they will always be charged the cheapest rate at the end of the week.
+1 send your husband to meet them at the airport. I know, it’ll feel daunting that he’s away a few hours and leaves you on your own but I got through it and so will you. It will be okay!
Figure out some favourites on Deliveroo. Trust me.
+1 think of specific chores or light DIY projects to assign your visitors. Ideas: laundry, dusting and vacuuming, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, snacks, making the tea. Brief them that they will be expected to help out with these things. Ask them bluntly to do them when they are there. Assuming they aren’t completely useless and they can do some of these things for you?! If they take the huff about being assigned chores they can just wander the streets of London and stay out of the way.
posted by like_neon at 7:53 AM on January 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
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Day itineraries - suggest a 'destination', a shop and a meal for each location. E.g. British Library, visit St Pancras for the shops and have lunch at Dishoom.
Let me think about this more and come back to you - good for my own parents flying over from NZ!
posted by teststrip at 5:56 AM on January 19, 2019 [3 favorites]