Losing hope in dating

December 23, 2018 11:19 PM

I'm a 30 something who has had a tough year of dating (either being rejected, ghosted, or going on really bad dates) and I'm in a bad emotional place about it.

I am a 30 year old queer woman who is going through a particularly tough year of dating. Two years ago, I had a turbulent yet dreamy relationship with someone who I thought I could spend the rest of my life with; it combusted because she ended up not being very compatible.

Since then, I've really struggled to meet someone else and now I really miss her and wondered if I should just go back.

I just went through a particularly tough year of dating. It's not a lot, but I've been on about two dates a month. People are rejecting me, or ghosting, or we are absolutely not feeling the connection. And I was feeling pretty depressed about it, and then I went on the worst date I've been on -- which was when I showed up to what I thought was a 1:1 date after going out of my way on a 45 min subway ride -- to arrive to her and a group of her friends really high and barely able to engage in conversation. It will be a funny story in a few years, but right now it's soul crushing. All these experiences are making me feel lonely and losing faith.

So I feel at a very low point. I'm getting anxious in that I am single at 30 and really want a partner and biological children. I have seen a therapist about it who has helped me somewhat.

What am I doing wrong? I mostly meet these people online. Is that the wrong place? Am I too picky (I have turned down a fair amount of people, but usually I think for valid reasons like no humor or shared interests)? Do I need to go on MORE dates (which I absolutely dread as it's been awful and I'm a full time grad student)? How do I cope with this very sad feeling even though my life is objectively going very well in all other dimensions?

I'm beginning to wonder if it's even worth it to be queer, as it has narrowed my dating pool considerably and I've never had a serious girlfriend, and I've had no shortage of boyfriends.

Ugh. Sad lady over here.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

You say: "I'm beginning to wonder if it's even worth it to be queer, as it has narrowed my dating pool considerably and I've never had a serious girlfriend, and I've had no shortage of boyfriends."

I don't quite understand what you're saying in the first part. Being queer isn't something I choose or ask myself "is it worth it or not" because it's simply part of who I am. I'm queer regardless of who I'm dating or sleeping with, and so are you. Are you saying that you're frustrated by the lack options in terms of queer women and are considering dating men again?

On one hand, as a bi woman who's tried to date more womxn than men as of late, I can agree that there are way more straight/bi/etc. men in the world than there are queer womxn. Even when I'm not actively trying to date men, I meet a few who are attractive and nice. However, on the other hand, I'm not finding anyone I want as a boyfriend either. Finding a good match is hard, and it's even harder when there are fewer options. If you think finding great women to date is hard in a big city, imagine living in a small town, ha! OK, that's hardly a consolation but so much of dating is a numbers game and luck.

But 30 is so young!! Even in the small town, I managed to find my first serious girlfriend at age 33 and it was worth totally the looooooong wait, even if it didn't work out in the end. I'd love to find (another, better) girlfriend one day but I'm also open to finding a boyfriend (or SO who's non-binary, etc.) I want to be open to love but also not settle, and it can be frustrating. Traditionally in queer dating, age differences tend to be less of a big deal, so that's on your side. Also, you can have biological kids on your own whenever you are ready, and that's cool to know, right?!

You are clearly burnt out on dating, and that's very understandable. It's extra hard to date in grad school when you have so many deadlines and stressors (and often limited funds, too.) Please take a break for now and know that there are some wonderful women in your future! And definitely don't ever feel the need to settle with anyone "just because." It's one thing to be openminded and another to not be true to yourself. You never know what the future holds, and often it's more good than bad!
posted by smorgasbord at 11:58 PM on December 23, 2018 [6 favorites]

As someone in a similar position in life; it’s ironic in that just as you’re getting to the point of knowing what you want, the chances of finding it seem more and more remote.

What worked for me was understanding the odds, but staying optimistic, queer dating in your thirties seems to me to be an endless round of quirky people, but I had to admit that I was probably one of them too, and adjust my expectations.

It turned out that keeping open minded worked and ended up partenered with a really exceptional chap, albeit one who ticked my boxes for tolerance and temperament than mutual interests or outlooks.

In someways we’re opposites, but our interest and engagement in each other and forming new mutual interests makes it work despite our contradictions.

Generosity is the key to much in life, and in dating too
posted by Middlemarch at 6:39 AM on December 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

You sound like you don't really know what you want or who you are. You identify as queer, but then say you're not sure if being queer is "worth it" and wonder if you should go back to being straight, somehow. You say you broke up with your previous partner for compatibility reasons, but then say you are wondering if you should just go back to her. Neither of those options seem very realistic, but that's sort of beside the point—they seem to show that you're going through a lot of questioning and self-doubt and just don't have a very firm footing in the world at the moment. That's OK, we all go through such times.

However, it's really hard to find a stable, fulfilling, long-term relationship when one is in such a place. It's hard to find someone who will love you for you when you don't really know who you are. It's hard to find someone who you really adore when you don't know what you want for yourself. When we're going through periods of intense questioning and self-doubt, we often choose the wrong people to be with and we rarely treat others as our best selves—how can we, when we don't know who we are and what we need?

I would suggest that now is just not a very good moment in your life for you to be dating, and that rather than being on a search for a partner you should instead embark on a voyage of intentional self-discovery. Over the next year or so, make it your main priority to explore your own wants and needs, to try new activities and learn new things, and to listen to your heart, examine your life, and identify what it is—aside from just "a partner"—that you really want out of life. If relationships were just not a thing, if humans were just an entirely asexual and aromantic species, how would you conduct your life? What would your goals be? How would you try to position yourself in the world?

Only once you know yourself and what you want will you stand a decent chance of finding and being a good partner. Spend some time focusing on you and developing yourself as an independent, self-sufficient human being before you make your next big push to find love. It will be worth it.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:10 AM on December 24, 2018 [5 favorites]

I'm a picky person who's been a hermit for a while, but two thoughts:

1) I feel like the landscape of online dating has been changing lately - I'm not sure if it's me changing (I'm also in my 30s) or a move towards "swipe culture" (with the rise of Tinder, even OKCupid has moved more in that direction lately.) It's led me to find fewer people I'm excited about first dates with online. Trying to find more low-key queer socializing in person might make sense for you.

2) IMO it's fine to be picky about stuff like sense of humor, etc. In your case I might consider being less picky about age if that's been a thing for you. I know for awhile I was resistant to dating folks more than a handful of years older than me but recently I realized that people 5-10 years older than me (on dating apps) seem a lot more interesting. Especially if you're having issues like someone showing up for a date high and with a group of friends, and you're looking to settlle and have a family, focusing on folks 35+ might help.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:45 AM on December 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

You are allowed to take a break from dating for a while and focus on doing things that make you happy. Bad dates can definitely be soul-crushing especially when you’ve been dating for a while. I recommend deleting dating apps off your phone and spending that energy on yourself and self-care for a couple months.

It’s not something you’re doing wrong and you are not being too picky. In my experience being extremely picky is actually better for avoiding disappointing dates. And don’t go on more dates just to go on more dates, that will almost certainly just make you feel worse.
posted by a strong female character at 8:01 AM on December 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

I think this has been a really hard year for dating. I've heard stories similar to yours from other people and I've gone through the wringer myself. Maybe because this has been such a chaotic and scary year for so much of the world, and it's hard to find the lightness and hope that dating requires -- that's just not where the zeitgeist is right now. Maybe because swipe apps are dehumanizing. I dunno, but you're not alone.

All those bad dates and rejections are demoralizing and I'm sorry that you've had to subject your heart to that. But just keep doing your best to go after what you want -- love, a family -- and if the universe or luck or whatever just keeps saying no (for now), at least keep asking, don't preemptively say no to yourself on its behalf.

Of course, that doesn't mean that you should go on zillions more random dates in some kind of masochistic frenzy -- it just means keeping yourself open to people and possibilities that you might find (on apps maybe, but also just in your life in general). It gets really hard to keep your heart open after it gets smooshed time after time, but you've got to, you can't withdraw into a shell and make yourself (emotionally) unreachable.

Personally, I've found that therapy has been helpful. I went specifically for help with my romantic life (which has been similar to yours for the last seven or eight months) and my therapist has been really helpful in giving me perspective, not just on my situation but on my own choices and desires. I really think it's worth it. Also, something I plan to do in the new year is to have professional photos taken. It's cheesy, but profiles are pretty much all photos now, so best foot forward. And the other thing I've been doing is trying to be more present in "meatspace," not just in terms of dating but also in terms of dating. It's just more fulfilling all-around to live most of life offline instead of on-.

Hang in there. If you want to go on a date with a guy, go for it. If you want to say no to dates with some people for no real reason other than you don't feel like seeing them, do that. You are a grown woman and you can do whatever the hell you want! :) Just keep your head up and your eyes peeled and know that even though none of us can see the future, your odds are good for finding love.
posted by rue72 at 8:18 AM on December 24, 2018 [8 favorites]

Take a break! Go live your best life on entirely your own terms for a bit, doing things you love that feed your soul, doing things that'll put your career in a pattern that'll withstand an intense few years of personal/family growth when you do find that person.

Doing the things you really love and care about will put you in the path of people who feel the same way, and THAT is a great starting point for a strong relationship.

Try not to stress so much over age. You likely have plenty of years left for having babies (with a good partner, rather than just any old partner), and you and all your dateable peers are just now getting your shit together. You will be surprised how much things start to coalesce in the next 2-3 years. It's a great time to not date so much as just make a point of being out in the world a lot, doing your own thing and keeping your eyes open.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:05 AM on December 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

Don't pathologize your preferences.

You should no more go a therapist with the concern that you want a partner and biological children than with the concern that you want to eat breakfast every morning. It's as natural a human desire as one can imagine.

Courtship has always been frustrating and it would be pathological to like the app-driven culture of endlessly assessing and meeting strangers. Shift your efforts to meeting people away from pure-play dating to interest-driven. It's less exhausting and you'll have something to show for the weekend doing X if you don't find your life-mate.

Women who consider(ed) themselves gay or bi ending up happily partnered with a man may be politically or philosophically objectionable, but it is very much not statistically exceptional.
posted by MattD at 9:05 AM on December 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

Have you ever considered having a kid on your own? Maybe explore how you feel about that question.
posted by xammerboy at 9:55 AM on December 24, 2018

Get involved with the queer community in a totally non-dating centered way. Feel the commraderie, feel community. Focus on you and not dating for a little while. As has been said, it sounds like you need a break and to meet people in another context than apps. I'm a gay woman who found my wife that way (in an lgbt studies class at a community college, then friends for 6 months) which isn't to say that you should do this because you might be able to pick up chicks at the community center, but because if the only time you interact with the queer community is in a dating context you're doing yourself a disservice as a queer person. It's too discouraging that way, too alienating. Take care of yourself!
posted by wellifyouinsist at 10:06 AM on December 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

Hi! Ohh I feel you. I've been very much in the same boat the last few years - I'm 29 year old queer woman, looking for a partner who also wants kids, etc.

2018 was the first year in a while that felt markedly different - I had a couple of shorter but happy relationships.I think the big difference is that the quality of my queer friendships across the board improved. I spent less time on first dates on Tinder/Her matches, and more time going to local shows and queer nights out (despite me feeling shy and stressed about it!) Also, at the beginning of my year, my therapist told me "I feel like you're ready to go out and get your heart broken!" and I actually really liked that sentiment - the point wasn't to Immediately Find My Perfect Partner so much as to feel open and comfortable enough to get close to some people and see if it would work out, with full understanding that more often than not, it won't. That set the expectations for me in a nice way, where now I can look back on the year and be like "yeah, I feel proud of everything that happened!" even though the quotient of heartbreak was fairly high.

Anyway. I had two relationships that both didn't work out. But they were happy and important - more happy times than tears, on the whole, for sure. I met one partner through a queer students group at our grad program and another through mutual friends at a local show. One of the partners had an energy/presentation/set of interests that probably would have led me to overlook them in an online setting tbh, but I'm really really happy I didn't. (Actually, on that note, I spent a lot of time being intimidated by butchy/transmasc folks, and often mistook that for lack of attraction. In fact, I was just feeling insecure about my own queerness, like "can I cut it with peak-Queer folks?" and many of these folx I find super hot.. so be on the lookout for internalized feelings of different varieties!)

I don't mean to get too chatfilter-y. Given that you implied that queer dating is a somewhat newer part of yourself, and that bi folks have a lot of societal pressures around dating, maybe give a little love and attention to your own queerness in its own right, and in a community-building and community-making sense, and see what comes from that. Best of luck to you!! (and on preview, defintiely n-thing what other folks said I now realize! :p)
posted by elephantsvanish at 10:13 AM on December 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

I'm I too picky (I have turned down a fair amount of people, but usually I think for valid reasons like no humor or shared interests)?

I don't think this means you are too picky, but maybe (considering the most recent date) you are picky in the wrong ways? For example, shared interests isn't really that important for a long term relationship, as long as there is some overlap. However, shared values are really important. Can you try to access these people's values a bit more before you meet them?

My husband and I are very different in some ways. Before I met him I thought it was really important for me to be with someone who shares my love of fitness stuff. However, my husband hates the gym. This doesn't matter - the overlap is that we walk our dogs together on a regular basis. The most important thing is that he looks at the world in the same way as I do.
posted by thereader at 11:27 AM on December 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

I’m 36 and bi. My romantic life has never been a breez but I’ve sure seen how geography can affect things. In my previous city I’d have 2-3 dates a month. Since moving back to my hometown I’ve been having 2 or 3 dates a year. It is waay beyond sucking. I’m not really doing anything different in my approach either. It really seems to be that the people I want to meet just aren’t here. I’ve definitely had moments of thinking I should settle or be less picky, but any time I meet someone who seems maybe “good enough” I run screaming because it makes me way more lonely. My point is that there may be things way beyond your control right now, which is even harder, and sometimes it just sucks and it doesn’t matter how clever your profile is. I wish I had hopeful stories to share but maybe there is a tiny speck of solace to know you may not be doing anything wrong.
posted by mermaidcafe at 5:49 AM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]

It is 100% impossible for us to know if you have a blindspot that's contributing to the situation. Most likely, no, it's a matter of luck. But if there IS a blindspot (too picky about ultimately unimportant things? Giving off rude vibes? Who knows), do you have a friend you would trust to give honest but compassionate feedback? Time to talk to the friend.
posted by namesarehard at 4:48 PM on December 25, 2018