Awkward situation about a close friend who kissed me. What should I do?
December 14, 2018 5:19 AM Subscribe
A close friend who knows I am currently feeling vulnerable and insecure, and who knows I have a boyfriend, kissed me during a party. He then proceeded to keep trying after I said no. What should I do?
I've been in a relationship for 5 months. Right now, everything is blissful and I'm head over heels. I'm a very insecure person and prone to mild to severe bouts of anxiety/depressive episodes, so naturally I find the emotion that comes with relationships at times hard to deal with. Like we all should, I have a trusted close friend who I frequently share my problems with and up until now he has given great advice and been there for me. We were out at a party and both very drunk. Completely out of nowhere, he kissed me. I didn't reciprocate and reminded him I had a boyfriend. He then told me to "shut up, you're gorgeous" and proceeded to try kissing me again. And again. At this point I was very angry and left the venue.
I feel a multitude of emotions here...
I can't decide whether to tell my boyfriend, who I know trusts me but I think it would still upset him and add avoidable insecurity to an otherwise wonderful relationship. I'm definitely all about honesty in all relationships, but I don't want my friend's stupid drunk actions to be the cause of a relationship breakdown. Should I tell my boyfriend about the kiss?
I can't decide what to do about my friend. He's apologized for his behavior and maintains he has no feelings for me, and he too has a boyfriend, however fully admits that he has done this kind of thing before in previous relationships and slept with other people. He said it was just a friend kiss and "it's something he and his group of friends do all the time when they're drunk", but I didn't see it like that. To top it off, he does part time work in the office I work at. He's not a permanent member of staff and just does ad-hoc work, but right now I'm still quite angry at him and he's treading on egg shells around me because he knows this. I feel like I have lost a friend in him as I know longer have any trust. I felt like he had taken advantage.
On top of this, I'm really stressed at work doing multiple jobs, so having this drama partly in the work place is stressing me out when I'm trying to focus.
Any advice/pep talk would be great. I don't have current access to therapy, and no longer feel like I have a friend to talk to about my anxiety.
I've been in a relationship for 5 months. Right now, everything is blissful and I'm head over heels. I'm a very insecure person and prone to mild to severe bouts of anxiety/depressive episodes, so naturally I find the emotion that comes with relationships at times hard to deal with. Like we all should, I have a trusted close friend who I frequently share my problems with and up until now he has given great advice and been there for me. We were out at a party and both very drunk. Completely out of nowhere, he kissed me. I didn't reciprocate and reminded him I had a boyfriend. He then told me to "shut up, you're gorgeous" and proceeded to try kissing me again. And again. At this point I was very angry and left the venue.
I feel a multitude of emotions here...
I can't decide whether to tell my boyfriend, who I know trusts me but I think it would still upset him and add avoidable insecurity to an otherwise wonderful relationship. I'm definitely all about honesty in all relationships, but I don't want my friend's stupid drunk actions to be the cause of a relationship breakdown. Should I tell my boyfriend about the kiss?
I can't decide what to do about my friend. He's apologized for his behavior and maintains he has no feelings for me, and he too has a boyfriend, however fully admits that he has done this kind of thing before in previous relationships and slept with other people. He said it was just a friend kiss and "it's something he and his group of friends do all the time when they're drunk", but I didn't see it like that. To top it off, he does part time work in the office I work at. He's not a permanent member of staff and just does ad-hoc work, but right now I'm still quite angry at him and he's treading on egg shells around me because he knows this. I feel like I have lost a friend in him as I know longer have any trust. I felt like he had taken advantage.
On top of this, I'm really stressed at work doing multiple jobs, so having this drama partly in the work place is stressing me out when I'm trying to focus.
Any advice/pep talk would be great. I don't have current access to therapy, and no longer feel like I have a friend to talk to about my anxiety.
If this were any but the closest and oldest of my friends (who I can't imagine doing something like that in the first place) this would be the end of the friendship. They betrayed your trust, disrespected your relationship and your partner, took advantage of your vulnerability, and arguably assaulted you. There are no excuses. "I was drunk and it was just a friend kiss," is an utterly bullshit, worthless excuse anyway.
This person isn't your friend, they're someone who's trying to weasel their way into your pants without the slightest regard for how it makes you feel or what it would do to you if they should somehow succeed. They cannot be trusted and they are trying to use you. Disconnect them from your life. If you think they might start drama and try to vilify you behind your back to other people, make sure you get your side of the story out right away after you tell this former friend to go away and never talk to you again.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:26 AM on December 14, 2018 [14 favorites]
This person isn't your friend, they're someone who's trying to weasel their way into your pants without the slightest regard for how it makes you feel or what it would do to you if they should somehow succeed. They cannot be trusted and they are trying to use you. Disconnect them from your life. If you think they might start drama and try to vilify you behind your back to other people, make sure you get your side of the story out right away after you tell this former friend to go away and never talk to you again.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:26 AM on December 14, 2018 [14 favorites]
Here’s the thing: this is sexual assault. I am not telling you that because I think you need to try to do anything formal about it. I am only telling you because it may help you deal with your feelings, to which you are completely entitled. I’m also not telling you that he has to be History’s Greatest Monster now. But he can’t be someone you trust like you did.
posted by Countess Elena at 5:27 AM on December 14, 2018 [60 favorites]
posted by Countess Elena at 5:27 AM on December 14, 2018 [60 favorites]
Friendships end when friends harrass or assault friends.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:29 AM on December 14, 2018 [40 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 5:29 AM on December 14, 2018 [40 favorites]
Also, if you need someone to talk to about this, you should be able to lean on your boyfriend. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here and if you de-friend this person then you'll have taken clear actions that should convey unambiguously that the kiss was non-consensual. Your boyfriend should, if anything, feel more secure in your relationship after seeing you defend it like this.
Ultimately though it's not your job to make him feel more secure here, it's his job to make you feel more secure. You've been shaken by a disturbing event and the loss of someone you thought was your friend. Making you feel better in such a situation is one of your partner's core relationship duties. You should be able to come to him and have him comfort you.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:32 AM on December 14, 2018 [34 favorites]
Ultimately though it's not your job to make him feel more secure here, it's his job to make you feel more secure. You've been shaken by a disturbing event and the loss of someone you thought was your friend. Making you feel better in such a situation is one of your partner's core relationship duties. You should be able to come to him and have him comfort you.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:32 AM on December 14, 2018 [34 favorites]
I don't see how telling your boyfriend would add insecurity to the relationship. If your boyfriend can tell that something is wrong, that you're upset and your friendship has changed, and you won't tell him about it, *that* is more likely to cause insecurity IMO.
As Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The says, you should be able to lean on your boyfriend for support.
posted by bunderful at 5:44 AM on December 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
As Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The says, you should be able to lean on your boyfriend for support.
posted by bunderful at 5:44 AM on December 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
I was reading through thinking that I might say that it was possible, if you really wanted to, to find a way back from this but then I got to:
[He] fully admits that he has done this kind of thing before in previous relationships and slept with other people. He said it was just a friend kiss and "it's something he and his group of friends do all the time when they're drunk"
No. This person has serious issues with personal boundaries, consent, and alcohol-related self control (if you know you behave problematically around women when you are drunk, you do not drink around women).
I feel like I have lost a friend in him as I know longer have any trust. I felt like he had taken advantage.
You have, you (justifiably) don't, and he certainly did.
posted by Major Clanger at 5:45 AM on December 14, 2018 [8 favorites]
[He] fully admits that he has done this kind of thing before in previous relationships and slept with other people. He said it was just a friend kiss and "it's something he and his group of friends do all the time when they're drunk"
No. This person has serious issues with personal boundaries, consent, and alcohol-related self control (if you know you behave problematically around women when you are drunk, you do not drink around women).
I feel like I have lost a friend in him as I know longer have any trust. I felt like he had taken advantage.
You have, you (justifiably) don't, and he certainly did.
posted by Major Clanger at 5:45 AM on December 14, 2018 [8 favorites]
Oh, I am so sorry this happened to you. Having someone kiss you after you told him to stop is a violating experience, and that would be upsetting all on its own. The fact that it was someone you had trusted is extra horrible. Please know that your feelings about this are 100% appropriate and I would be feeling them too in your shoes. You might also feel confused, guilty, anxious, grieving, betrayed... I just want to say that you can try to give yourself some space to feel however you feel about it. When you start feeling overwhelmed, maybe try some breathing exercises or other tools to help deal with the anxiety. Try to give yourself some space and compassion.
I do want to say that I am very impressed that you were able to react so clearly with your anger at him. It sounds like you have a very clear idea of how you are feeling and what you want and don't want. That is great. Keep trusting your instincts.
Practically, I agree that you should tell your boyfriend and lean on him for some support. Is there anyone else in your life that you could also talk to? More support would be helpful if you can find it. I also think you should deal with your ex-friend at work however makes you feel the least uncomfortable, whether that's ignoring him or telling him to make himself scarce around you or whatever. Do not worry about how he is feeling; prioritize your own comfort however you can.
Good luck. I am really sorry this happened to you, and please know that you'll get through this stressful time.
posted by aka burlap at 5:55 AM on December 14, 2018 [7 favorites]
I do want to say that I am very impressed that you were able to react so clearly with your anger at him. It sounds like you have a very clear idea of how you are feeling and what you want and don't want. That is great. Keep trusting your instincts.
Practically, I agree that you should tell your boyfriend and lean on him for some support. Is there anyone else in your life that you could also talk to? More support would be helpful if you can find it. I also think you should deal with your ex-friend at work however makes you feel the least uncomfortable, whether that's ignoring him or telling him to make himself scarce around you or whatever. Do not worry about how he is feeling; prioritize your own comfort however you can.
Good luck. I am really sorry this happened to you, and please know that you'll get through this stressful time.
posted by aka burlap at 5:55 AM on December 14, 2018 [7 favorites]
I am fairly sure that there are no women involved here and that all individuals concerned are gay or bi men.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:55 AM on December 14, 2018 [21 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:55 AM on December 14, 2018 [21 favorites]
That...is not the apology I would expect from someone who made a pretty serious mistake while drunk. "I'm very sorry, it was out of line, I will never do it again and this has made me re-evaluate my drinking" would be the very least I'd expect. It's crummy, but he is the one who has basically ended your friendship, not you. I mean, maybe his other friends are all cool with this when they're drunk, and that's fine, but it's not okay to assume that the whole rest of the world shares this unusual preference.
However: You also seem to be saying that your boyfriend would be jealous and insecure if he found out that someone else aggressively kissed you over your objections. That's not so great. What kind of thought process is that? "The person I'm dating is so unreliable that if someone else forcibly kisses them, they'll just...randomly cheat on me"? "The person I'm dating actually enjoys forced physical contact, despite pretending that it's against their will"? "It's the fault of the person I'm dating that someone else forcibly kissed them, and this renders them sketchy in my view"? No good partner thinks like that. If something bad happens to you, your partner should 100% not make it about them. If something bad happens to you, it should not make your partner insecure. Your partner should support you so that you can feel better, not ruminate about how being assaulted must indicate something wrong with your sexual morals.
Honestly, I think that telling the guy you're dating will reveal a lot of things that are very much worth knowing about what kind of a person he is.
posted by Frowner at 6:03 AM on December 14, 2018 [46 favorites]
However: You also seem to be saying that your boyfriend would be jealous and insecure if he found out that someone else aggressively kissed you over your objections. That's not so great. What kind of thought process is that? "The person I'm dating is so unreliable that if someone else forcibly kisses them, they'll just...randomly cheat on me"? "The person I'm dating actually enjoys forced physical contact, despite pretending that it's against their will"? "It's the fault of the person I'm dating that someone else forcibly kissed them, and this renders them sketchy in my view"? No good partner thinks like that. If something bad happens to you, your partner should 100% not make it about them. If something bad happens to you, it should not make your partner insecure. Your partner should support you so that you can feel better, not ruminate about how being assaulted must indicate something wrong with your sexual morals.
Honestly, I think that telling the guy you're dating will reveal a lot of things that are very much worth knowing about what kind of a person he is.
posted by Frowner at 6:03 AM on December 14, 2018 [46 favorites]
He's not the friend you thought he was. One drunken kiss would perhaps be excusable, but continuing to try to kiss you after you told him not to, telling you to "shut up" - completely beyond the pale.
I would tell your boyfriend. Besides the fact that you need his support, his reaction will tell you a lot about him. It's only been five months, it's the honeymoon period, pay attention to how he reacts. Good reaction: outrage that your friend would assault you like that, understanding that you did nothing to bring this on, support for your perfectly justified feelings around this and sadness about the fact that your friend isn't as much of a friend as you thought he was. Bad reaction: any kind of blame placed on you for the incident, jealousy, minimizing of what your friend did. Seriously, think of this as an opportunity to see what your boyfriend would be like in a tough situation, is this someone you want to partner yourself with for the long haul.
posted by peacheater at 6:11 AM on December 14, 2018 [12 favorites]
I would tell your boyfriend. Besides the fact that you need his support, his reaction will tell you a lot about him. It's only been five months, it's the honeymoon period, pay attention to how he reacts. Good reaction: outrage that your friend would assault you like that, understanding that you did nothing to bring this on, support for your perfectly justified feelings around this and sadness about the fact that your friend isn't as much of a friend as you thought he was. Bad reaction: any kind of blame placed on you for the incident, jealousy, minimizing of what your friend did. Seriously, think of this as an opportunity to see what your boyfriend would be like in a tough situation, is this someone you want to partner yourself with for the long haul.
posted by peacheater at 6:11 AM on December 14, 2018 [12 favorites]
"A close friend who knows I am currently feeling vulnerable and insecure, and who knows I have a boyfriend, kissed me during a party."
This is not how friends treat one another. As harsh as it sounds, this person is not your friend. Like most adults, I have firsthand experience with just how frustrating and heartbreaking it can be when you're attracted to/developing feelings for a friend who doesn't feel the same way. We've all been there. If you're truly someone's friend, though, you find a way to deal with those emotions on your own - without sexually accosting said friend.
His actions are especially egregious in light of the fact that, when he made that choice, he did so despite his full awareness that a) you're currently in a committed relationship which is bringing you joy, b) you were in a particularly vulnerable state at that moment, having confided in him about some of your deepest fears, and c) you were significantly impaired/under the influence of alcohol. There's not enough alcohol in the world that would cause me to violate anyone the way he did, let alone one of my closest friends. He's either been going through the motions of friendship with ulterior motives all this time, or he genuinely was a friend, up until he chose to selfishly prioritize his desires over your wellbeing. Either way, he's not your friend now.
I'm so sorry this happened to you; nobody deserves to be betrayed in that way by someone they care about and trust. Nth-ing the suggestions to confide in your boyfriend; if he's the supportive and kind partner you make him out to be, he'll be there to support you through this. It wasn't your fault this happened.
posted by second banana at 6:18 AM on December 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is not how friends treat one another. As harsh as it sounds, this person is not your friend. Like most adults, I have firsthand experience with just how frustrating and heartbreaking it can be when you're attracted to/developing feelings for a friend who doesn't feel the same way. We've all been there. If you're truly someone's friend, though, you find a way to deal with those emotions on your own - without sexually accosting said friend.
His actions are especially egregious in light of the fact that, when he made that choice, he did so despite his full awareness that a) you're currently in a committed relationship which is bringing you joy, b) you were in a particularly vulnerable state at that moment, having confided in him about some of your deepest fears, and c) you were significantly impaired/under the influence of alcohol. There's not enough alcohol in the world that would cause me to violate anyone the way he did, let alone one of my closest friends. He's either been going through the motions of friendship with ulterior motives all this time, or he genuinely was a friend, up until he chose to selfishly prioritize his desires over your wellbeing. Either way, he's not your friend now.
I'm so sorry this happened to you; nobody deserves to be betrayed in that way by someone they care about and trust. Nth-ing the suggestions to confide in your boyfriend; if he's the supportive and kind partner you make him out to be, he'll be there to support you through this. It wasn't your fault this happened.
posted by second banana at 6:18 AM on December 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
I've definitely heard variations on monogamy is for straight people before, so it is possible that this is normal behavior in his friend group, which means it might be better to drop him as a friend, especially as a friend you drink with and lean on for support.
Your friend is the one in the wrong here, so if your boyfriend blames you and gets jealous, that's a red flag. Not necessarily a dealbreaker, just something that could be an issue later. It's bothering you, so you need to tell him.
posted by betweenthebars at 6:21 AM on December 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
Your friend is the one in the wrong here, so if your boyfriend blames you and gets jealous, that's a red flag. Not necessarily a dealbreaker, just something that could be an issue later. It's bothering you, so you need to tell him.
posted by betweenthebars at 6:21 AM on December 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
Thinking a little more, I'd upgrade my previous assessment of "arguable assault" to "assault," given that you told him to stop and he persisted anyway. What action you choose to take is up to you, but if it helps you to have a label that you can pin your feelings to, "assault" is an accurate one. Your feelings are well within the normal range (which is quite a broad range) for someone who has been assaulted, and are quite natural under the circumstances. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:25 AM on December 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:25 AM on December 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
"My body is mine. When I tell you to stop touching me in any way whatever, you stop, or I treat it as assault, because it's assault."
Then you either add "Now stay the fuck away from me," or not, depending on whether you think you can trust him or not, and how well you can handle a possible repetition.
He's not necessarily bad. He could be like one of those big golden retrievers who run up and ram their nose into your crotch out of pure joy that you exist. He is at least dumb as paint, though, and he might be bad.
posted by ckridge at 6:36 AM on December 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Then you either add "Now stay the fuck away from me," or not, depending on whether you think you can trust him or not, and how well you can handle a possible repetition.
He's not necessarily bad. He could be like one of those big golden retrievers who run up and ram their nose into your crotch out of pure joy that you exist. He is at least dumb as paint, though, and he might be bad.
posted by ckridge at 6:36 AM on December 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
As far as not having access to therapy, I've seen 7 cups recommended on the green. They offer multiple types of support.
posted by bunderful at 6:38 AM on December 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 6:38 AM on December 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
He said it was just a friend kiss and "it's something he and his group of friends do all the time when they're drunk"
My social circle is kind of like that, in that we'll causally kiss and make out. But not with someone that's not willing and if someone accidentally misread and crossed the line, the response is an apology, not defensive posturing. He's not a friend.
Drunken mistakes happen. I'm saying saying that it excuses what he did, but that's more telling is how someone acts after doing something inappropriate while drunk. If it's not contrition and cutting back or stopping drinking, that speaks volumes.
posted by Candleman at 7:36 AM on December 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
My social circle is kind of like that, in that we'll causally kiss and make out. But not with someone that's not willing and if someone accidentally misread and crossed the line, the response is an apology, not defensive posturing. He's not a friend.
Drunken mistakes happen. I'm saying saying that it excuses what he did, but that's more telling is how someone acts after doing something inappropriate while drunk. If it's not contrition and cutting back or stopping drinking, that speaks volumes.
posted by Candleman at 7:36 AM on December 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
I want to take a deep dive and parse a statement you made, but first let’s get the friend stuff out of the way, shall we?
- Grieve, process. You have lost a friend and I’m sorry. You’re right you can’t trust him again.
- You don’t owe your ex-friend anything except professionalism at the workplace. You can gradually fade, or if you want to have a more clear discussion, do that. If I were you...”Bob, I’m still upset about the other night so I need some space from our from our friendship for awhile. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, I’m just really upset right now.” In truth, “awhile” means “forever” - but you just kinda want to fade. This is the kind of wording that gets you there when you have to see the guy at work every day.
- You’ve lost a close friend and confidant. You think your boyfriend is going to blame you somehow This is a significant moment in your life. Breathe.
——
Now. Can we parse this: “I can't decide whether to tell my boyfriend, who I know trusts me...”
I can’t imagine where such old fashioned thinking comes from, but your friend assaulted you.
Would your boyfriend really blame you for being assaulted?
- Is it possible this is shock talking and your boyfriend is really a good guy?
- Maybe he would blame you? In which case maybe you shouldn’t date him?
———
You have reached that magical place where you have to step up for yourself and be your own supporter, Team You. This is being an adult. Adults see therapists and rely on their wider networks when they need to. I don’t know what decision you make about sharing the demise of your close friendship with your boyfriend, but I do know that jerk’s actions have caused you to (a) lose a close friendship, and (b) have to take a look at your boyfriend through a different lens perhaps before you’re ready to. Before the holidays.
You can handle of this. Be Team You. I’m pretty sure your boyfriend is not going to blame you, but if you think he is, I’m very sorry. All relationships are replaceable, live is a verb. Find folks you can trust, trust yourself first.
posted by jbenben at 7:40 AM on December 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
- Grieve, process. You have lost a friend and I’m sorry. You’re right you can’t trust him again.
- You don’t owe your ex-friend anything except professionalism at the workplace. You can gradually fade, or if you want to have a more clear discussion, do that. If I were you...”Bob, I’m still upset about the other night so I need some space from our from our friendship for awhile. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, I’m just really upset right now.” In truth, “awhile” means “forever” - but you just kinda want to fade. This is the kind of wording that gets you there when you have to see the guy at work every day.
- You’ve lost a close friend and confidant. You think your boyfriend is going to blame you somehow This is a significant moment in your life. Breathe.
——
Now. Can we parse this: “I can't decide whether to tell my boyfriend, who I know trusts me...”
I can’t imagine where such old fashioned thinking comes from, but your friend assaulted you.
Would your boyfriend really blame you for being assaulted?
- Is it possible this is shock talking and your boyfriend is really a good guy?
- Maybe he would blame you? In which case maybe you shouldn’t date him?
———
You have reached that magical place where you have to step up for yourself and be your own supporter, Team You. This is being an adult. Adults see therapists and rely on their wider networks when they need to. I don’t know what decision you make about sharing the demise of your close friendship with your boyfriend, but I do know that jerk’s actions have caused you to (a) lose a close friendship, and (b) have to take a look at your boyfriend through a different lens perhaps before you’re ready to. Before the holidays.
You can handle of this. Be Team You. I’m pretty sure your boyfriend is not going to blame you, but if you think he is, I’m very sorry. All relationships are replaceable, live is a verb. Find folks you can trust, trust yourself first.
posted by jbenben at 7:40 AM on December 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
I am so sorry. I think you should tell your boyfriend. You need to process to these feelings and talk about them with someone, and you can’t go to your usual source, obviously. It’s a leap of faith, I know, but let your boyfriend be there for you. This was not your fault. You’d be telling your boyfriend not because you did anything wrong, but because you need his support right now. That’s an important distinction to remember. Hugs if you want them.
posted by Ruki at 8:45 AM on December 14, 2018
posted by Ruki at 8:45 AM on December 14, 2018
I'm sorry this happened to you. It is up to you to define what happened, but to me this reads as sexual assault and harassment. I'm so sorry you have to see this asshole at one of your jobs.
You need support, and unfortunately after events like this people are not always terribly supportive. Is there any way you could see a therapist? Some therapists work on a sliding scale or even work for free.
As far as telling your boyfriend, I would only tell him if you think he'll be supportive. It is all about you at this time. What will help *you* feel like there are people on your side? If Boyfriend is likely to react badly or make this All About Him, I wouldn't tell him.
Please seek support wherever you can find it. If you run into people you can't trust, keep going until you find someone you can trust. You sound like a lovely person. You will meet people--many more people--who think you're lovable and who will respect your boundaries.
posted by coffeeand at 9:01 AM on December 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
You need support, and unfortunately after events like this people are not always terribly supportive. Is there any way you could see a therapist? Some therapists work on a sliding scale or even work for free.
As far as telling your boyfriend, I would only tell him if you think he'll be supportive. It is all about you at this time. What will help *you* feel like there are people on your side? If Boyfriend is likely to react badly or make this All About Him, I wouldn't tell him.
Please seek support wherever you can find it. If you run into people you can't trust, keep going until you find someone you can trust. You sound like a lovely person. You will meet people--many more people--who think you're lovable and who will respect your boundaries.
posted by coffeeand at 9:01 AM on December 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
This happened to me. I had a very difficult time dealing with it, because I didn't talk to anyone about it and had a really hard time understanding what happened, how I should feel about it, and what I should do. I'm going to tell you what I wish someone had told me:
1. This person assaulted you, and it is not your fault.
2. This person is not your friend. This is not what friends do to their friends. They were never your friend, and this is perhaps the most hurtful thing about the situation.
3. It is not your fault that you didn't understand they weren't your friend. People can be secretive and manipulative and it's not necessarily a good thing to go through your whole life being default skeptical of each friendship because you're worried they see you as something other than a friend. It's okay to treat friendships in good faith.
4. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.
5. You should not speak to this person again. They will try this again. They cannot be trusted.
6. There is no right or wrong answer to telling your boyfriend. Tell him if you think he will be supportive of you. It is okay to frame this as "my former friend assaulted me."
I'm sorry this happened. It really hurts, for a lot of reasons. It really sucks to be assaulted and betrayed. For myself, I considered it a moral failing for a long time. It isn't.
My thoughts are with you.
posted by The Pantless Wonder at 10:59 AM on December 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
1. This person assaulted you, and it is not your fault.
2. This person is not your friend. This is not what friends do to their friends. They were never your friend, and this is perhaps the most hurtful thing about the situation.
3. It is not your fault that you didn't understand they weren't your friend. People can be secretive and manipulative and it's not necessarily a good thing to go through your whole life being default skeptical of each friendship because you're worried they see you as something other than a friend. It's okay to treat friendships in good faith.
4. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.
5. You should not speak to this person again. They will try this again. They cannot be trusted.
6. There is no right or wrong answer to telling your boyfriend. Tell him if you think he will be supportive of you. It is okay to frame this as "my former friend assaulted me."
I'm sorry this happened. It really hurts, for a lot of reasons. It really sucks to be assaulted and betrayed. For myself, I considered it a moral failing for a long time. It isn't.
My thoughts are with you.
posted by The Pantless Wonder at 10:59 AM on December 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
Drunken mistakes happen. I'm saying saying that it excuses what he did, but that's more telling is how someone acts after doing something inappropriate while drunk.
Agreed, only because this may help you process it, to look for something that could possibly make it less awful. When this happened to me (cishet woman, drunken friend, we are both in long term committed relationships, he was hugging me goodnight and then went in for a kiss, I bolted, he did not remember it happening) I talked to him about it over email when he was bringing up "progress" in managing his drinking. He was horrified, effusively apologized and tghen after that we were never alone when he was drinking again. He'd always stay up with his partner, I'd go to bed earlier. I don't know if he told his partner or not (she and I are also good friends but I did not tell her this independently) but it was clear that there was a change and that change was to make sure this didn't happen again and it hasn't.
I did wind up telling my partner only because it was weighing on me as a bad thing that happened and I felt he'd be helpful (he was). I feel it might be worth telling your partner in some respect "Hey I'm steering clear of $GUY because he (kissed me|assaulted me|harassed me|was inappropriate with me) the other night and his apology was garbage. Wanted to tell you because it's been on my mind"
Totally not your fault! And I'd steer away from this guy whose response was very him-centered and not very you-centered. Maybe take some of your bad-feels-energy to see if you can branch out, meet new people and leave this behind you. Remember the holidays alone are a tough time for people, be kind to yourself. I am sorry this happened.
posted by jessamyn at 11:20 AM on December 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
Agreed, only because this may help you process it, to look for something that could possibly make it less awful. When this happened to me (cishet woman, drunken friend, we are both in long term committed relationships, he was hugging me goodnight and then went in for a kiss, I bolted, he did not remember it happening) I talked to him about it over email when he was bringing up "progress" in managing his drinking. He was horrified, effusively apologized and tghen after that we were never alone when he was drinking again. He'd always stay up with his partner, I'd go to bed earlier. I don't know if he told his partner or not (she and I are also good friends but I did not tell her this independently) but it was clear that there was a change and that change was to make sure this didn't happen again and it hasn't.
I did wind up telling my partner only because it was weighing on me as a bad thing that happened and I felt he'd be helpful (he was). I feel it might be worth telling your partner in some respect "Hey I'm steering clear of $GUY because he (kissed me|assaulted me|harassed me|was inappropriate with me) the other night and his apology was garbage. Wanted to tell you because it's been on my mind"
Totally not your fault! And I'd steer away from this guy whose response was very him-centered and not very you-centered. Maybe take some of your bad-feels-energy to see if you can branch out, meet new people and leave this behind you. Remember the holidays alone are a tough time for people, be kind to yourself. I am sorry this happened.
posted by jessamyn at 11:20 AM on December 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
he ignored your feelings so he's straying into sexual assault territory.
Yeah, this is not "straying into," this is sexual assault. You said stop; his response was to keep kissing you. Tell your boyfriend. Grieve the loss of a "friendship" you never really had.
If he is making you uncomfortable at work, you have every right to go to your supervisor and say "X sexually assaulted me at a party. I am uncomfortable working around him." Maybe your superiors can arrange it so that you don't have to cross paths.
I'm sorry for for you.
posted by tzikeh at 11:56 AM on December 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yeah, this is not "straying into," this is sexual assault. You said stop; his response was to keep kissing you. Tell your boyfriend. Grieve the loss of a "friendship" you never really had.
If he is making you uncomfortable at work, you have every right to go to your supervisor and say "X sexually assaulted me at a party. I am uncomfortable working around him." Maybe your superiors can arrange it so that you don't have to cross paths.
I'm sorry for for you.
posted by tzikeh at 11:56 AM on December 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Oof, I'm sorry. This sucks. Your "friend" is clearly not one. He knows you're not poly, he knows you've been feeling vulnerable and insecure, and he knows that he's a large part of your emotional support system and he decided to assault you anyway. It's going to be hard, but you have to break up with this friend. No more contact. He can't be trusted as he's already violated you and when you told him to stop, he didn't. That's his true nature. You've done absolutely nothing wrong and what he did to you is incredibly unfair. His apology was also garbage. He assaulted you and then tried to rationalize it by saying it's something he does frequently with friends?! NO. I'm sorry you invested so much in a relationship with someone who is not a good friend to you.
You can tell your boyfriend, but you don't have to if you don't want to. You were assaulted and your boyfriend should respond by supporting YOU and not making this about his feelings and how he feels about your trustworthiness. I know that he should, OF COURSE, support you and not make this about him or treat you unfairly as a result, but I've also seen so-called good men turn on their girlfriends in terrible ways when she's been assaulted. Some men treat this sort of thing as adjacent to infidelity and pivot to demanding what the victim did to contribute to the situation. That's obviously a 100% unacceptable way to deal with the assault of your girlfriend, but I've seen it happen repeatedly. It's OK to decide what's best for you and leave things vague if you feel like it would lead to less impact on your relationship. Telling him something like, "I'm ending my friendship with assaulter because he's behaved disrespectfully and hurtfully toward me." Your boyfriend is not owed details and should not press you. I'm concerned that if you lose both of your main emotional support systems at once (friend and boyfriend), it would be harder for you. It's not dishonest to limit what details you share about an assault. No one is owed that information. No one has a right to tell you how you should be dealing with it.
If friend is an ad-hoc worker at work, tell your supervisor and ask that you not be compelled to work with him. Tzikeh's script is a good one.
I'm sorry this happened. You did nothing to invite assault. There are good friends out there for you. Put your energy into finding them.
posted by quince at 12:09 PM on December 14, 2018
You can tell your boyfriend, but you don't have to if you don't want to. You were assaulted and your boyfriend should respond by supporting YOU and not making this about his feelings and how he feels about your trustworthiness. I know that he should, OF COURSE, support you and not make this about him or treat you unfairly as a result, but I've also seen so-called good men turn on their girlfriends in terrible ways when she's been assaulted. Some men treat this sort of thing as adjacent to infidelity and pivot to demanding what the victim did to contribute to the situation. That's obviously a 100% unacceptable way to deal with the assault of your girlfriend, but I've seen it happen repeatedly. It's OK to decide what's best for you and leave things vague if you feel like it would lead to less impact on your relationship. Telling him something like, "I'm ending my friendship with assaulter because he's behaved disrespectfully and hurtfully toward me." Your boyfriend is not owed details and should not press you. I'm concerned that if you lose both of your main emotional support systems at once (friend and boyfriend), it would be harder for you. It's not dishonest to limit what details you share about an assault. No one is owed that information. No one has a right to tell you how you should be dealing with it.
If friend is an ad-hoc worker at work, tell your supervisor and ask that you not be compelled to work with him. Tzikeh's script is a good one.
I'm sorry this happened. You did nothing to invite assault. There are good friends out there for you. Put your energy into finding them.
posted by quince at 12:09 PM on December 14, 2018
I’m so sorry you’re in this predicament. I agree with those above who say you should no longer consider this person a friend and more importantly be able to talk to your boyfriend about it. I can’t remember where but I once read the mark of a solid relationship is that you’re able to have the kinds of conversations that may put your relationship on the line.
The only other thing I have to add - at least so as to not feel so alone - is to listen to the recent 3-part Radiolab series on consent. The first episode has a male friend in a similar situation giving the type of apology that includes a rebuttal every time he says he’s sorry.
https://www.wnycstudios.org/story/no-part-1
I hope you come to peace with this whole thing swiftly.
posted by Libelula y colibri at 12:32 PM on December 14, 2018
The only other thing I have to add - at least so as to not feel so alone - is to listen to the recent 3-part Radiolab series on consent. The first episode has a male friend in a similar situation giving the type of apology that includes a rebuttal every time he says he’s sorry.
https://www.wnycstudios.org/story/no-part-1
I hope you come to peace with this whole thing swiftly.
posted by Libelula y colibri at 12:32 PM on December 14, 2018
Nthing that this was an assault, and that this person is not your friend. Friends do not prey on friends, and this behavior was predatory. I'm so sorry it happened to you. I do think you should let your boyfriend know.
posted by sarcasticah at 11:03 AM on December 15, 2018
posted by sarcasticah at 11:03 AM on December 15, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by agregoli at 5:22 AM on December 14, 2018 [75 favorites]