Introducing female cat to play-aggressive male cat
December 9, 2018 11:34 PM Subscribe
We recently introduced a 1 year old female cat to our similar aged male cat, who shows significant play aggression towards us. The male cat constantly wants to play, but the new cat hisses and growls every time. We're running out of ideas on how to make it work and any advice would be much appreciated!
We adopted our first cat (Tom) when he was about 9 months old. After a normal period of settling in he started to attack our legs, at times viciously and drawing significant amount of blood. He frequently comes up to snuggle and appears otherwise comfortable around us, so we interpreted his behavior as play aggression and attempted to increase play time with him as much as possible. However, even our best efforts at playing frequently, getting various toys and perches were not enough to exhaust his energy with the time we have available (both my wife and I work during the day).
About a month ago we decided to get Tom a playmate as a final resort. We weren't allowed to have him meet other cats at the shelter, so ended up settling for a similarly aged female cat (Lilly) that seemed very playful at the shelter. We followed the usual pattern of introducing them slowly, getting separate food bowls/litter boxes, changing up rooms, etc. Lilly turned out to be well behaved (clearly trained to not draw blood from humans!) and showed very similar play preferences as Tom, so we were initially quite hopeful.
When they eventually met Tom proceeded to try to play with her, but Lilly immediately became very defensive, growing and hissing like crazy. After monitoring the situation for a few days we think that Tom is mostly trying to play rather than showing aggression towards an unwelcome new "invader" - for example he would jump to a lower/higher ground, use his paws to reach up/down, and never growl or hiss (that said sometimes he did also go straight at her, as if to establish his dominance in the household). We never saw any injuries on either cat (unlike on our legs!), and after confrontations Lilly would usually go from being very defensive to her normal behavior within a few seconds, as long as there's enough distance between herself and Tom.
We tried a few days of supervised playtime to see whether they can "work it out", but without success. One of the strangest aspects of their relationship is that feeding time is the only time of the day they get along - in fact they both eat out of separate bowls within inches of each other, sometimes smelling each other, without aggression and never fighting over food. Once feeding time is over, things go back to usual and fights break out.
We are now back to square one, having them in separate rooms (except for feeding time) but initial results don't look promising, and Tom still attacks us as well at times. We're running out of ideas on how to make this situation work, so any advice would be much appreciated!
We adopted our first cat (Tom) when he was about 9 months old. After a normal period of settling in he started to attack our legs, at times viciously and drawing significant amount of blood. He frequently comes up to snuggle and appears otherwise comfortable around us, so we interpreted his behavior as play aggression and attempted to increase play time with him as much as possible. However, even our best efforts at playing frequently, getting various toys and perches were not enough to exhaust his energy with the time we have available (both my wife and I work during the day).
About a month ago we decided to get Tom a playmate as a final resort. We weren't allowed to have him meet other cats at the shelter, so ended up settling for a similarly aged female cat (Lilly) that seemed very playful at the shelter. We followed the usual pattern of introducing them slowly, getting separate food bowls/litter boxes, changing up rooms, etc. Lilly turned out to be well behaved (clearly trained to not draw blood from humans!) and showed very similar play preferences as Tom, so we were initially quite hopeful.
When they eventually met Tom proceeded to try to play with her, but Lilly immediately became very defensive, growing and hissing like crazy. After monitoring the situation for a few days we think that Tom is mostly trying to play rather than showing aggression towards an unwelcome new "invader" - for example he would jump to a lower/higher ground, use his paws to reach up/down, and never growl or hiss (that said sometimes he did also go straight at her, as if to establish his dominance in the household). We never saw any injuries on either cat (unlike on our legs!), and after confrontations Lilly would usually go from being very defensive to her normal behavior within a few seconds, as long as there's enough distance between herself and Tom.
We tried a few days of supervised playtime to see whether they can "work it out", but without success. One of the strangest aspects of their relationship is that feeding time is the only time of the day they get along - in fact they both eat out of separate bowls within inches of each other, sometimes smelling each other, without aggression and never fighting over food. Once feeding time is over, things go back to usual and fights break out.
We are now back to square one, having them in separate rooms (except for feeding time) but initial results don't look promising, and Tom still attacks us as well at times. We're running out of ideas on how to make this situation work, so any advice would be much appreciated!
Ours were like this with each other - separate rooms, etc - and it took about two months. Now they groom each other and cuddle.
posted by ftm at 3:55 AM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by ftm at 3:55 AM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
Give it time. My dear departed senior kitties spent three months trying to kill each other before settling into ignoring each other in a pointed way. It took six months before they played and cuddled.
posted by frumiousb at 4:20 AM on December 10, 2018
posted by frumiousb at 4:20 AM on December 10, 2018
My cat Ed sounds like your Tom, and I agree that the situation between he and Lily sounds ok. They will work it out. You're in what is essentially the "teenager" years, and right now is the worst of it. Ed has mellowed significantly now, but he still occasionally has his moments. I think his issues with attacking both of you sounds like more of an issue to me. Jackson Galaxy of My Cat from Hell has some good episodes on this, and training a cat not to do this. I'd check those out if you can. Their energy can be redirected, but it takes some patience on your end.
posted by backwards compatible at 4:26 AM on December 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by backwards compatible at 4:26 AM on December 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
Your cats seem exactly like mine. They have had the relationship you describe for…14 years?…with no appreciable change. It's a minor miracle if they can sit within inches of each other for more than a few minutes, because either the boy wants to play (his default setting ~75% of the time) and attacks her, or the girl assumes he's going to attack her and pre-emptively swats his nose, triggering a "PLAYTIME!" response. So it might never change.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 7:29 AM on December 10, 2018
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 7:29 AM on December 10, 2018
Give Lily defensible high ground in every room. Put shelves on the wall or clear off countertops if necessary. Cats like to have territories, and you can give more cats more territory in less space by dividing rooms into an upper and lower part. Less secure cats like to have places they can escape to or play more safely from.
Also, giving her a place to escape to that isn't under things keeps her around the humans, her allies, who can then make much of her and build her confidence without having to crawl under the sofa.
posted by ckridge at 7:52 AM on December 10, 2018
Also, giving her a place to escape to that isn't under things keeps her around the humans, her allies, who can then make much of her and build her confidence without having to crawl under the sofa.
posted by ckridge at 7:52 AM on December 10, 2018
Feliway is a common suggestion for angry cats - but I have not tried it myself.
posted by soelo at 8:14 AM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by soelo at 8:14 AM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
If you have a look at my posting history, you will see that I've asked several questions about this exact issue. The only difference with us is that we introduced a rambunctious Male cat to our existing, docile and wonderful female kitty baby.
Example A
Example B
Long story short, it took us about a year to get to "normal". I confess, I as worried it would never work out... I definitely lost sleep over it.
BUT our cats are classic frenemies now... lots of playing, lots of cuddling, still some hissing on occasion. They sleep together, eat together, p*ss each other off, keep each other company, keep each other fit, play a lot. The crazy male kitty brought out a new side to our female baby that I have really enjoyed watching develop.... and when they cuddle up together, it is the cutest thing that I have ever seen. I'll never get sick of seeing that.
we didn't really do much except be patient. I did try feliway but confess I didn't notice much. Good luck - I hope you can work it out!
oh - and I would recommend keeping your cats nails short if you can. You can trim them yourself (again with patience, practice and LOTS of treats) , and it will help keep your injuries to a minimum and make sure he doesn't do too much damage to Lilly during play fights too.
posted by JenThePro at 9:14 AM on December 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
Example A
Example B
Long story short, it took us about a year to get to "normal". I confess, I as worried it would never work out... I definitely lost sleep over it.
BUT our cats are classic frenemies now... lots of playing, lots of cuddling, still some hissing on occasion. They sleep together, eat together, p*ss each other off, keep each other company, keep each other fit, play a lot. The crazy male kitty brought out a new side to our female baby that I have really enjoyed watching develop.... and when they cuddle up together, it is the cutest thing that I have ever seen. I'll never get sick of seeing that.
we didn't really do much except be patient. I did try feliway but confess I didn't notice much. Good luck - I hope you can work it out!
oh - and I would recommend keeping your cats nails short if you can. You can trim them yourself (again with patience, practice and LOTS of treats) , and it will help keep your injuries to a minimum and make sure he doesn't do too much damage to Lilly during play fights too.
posted by JenThePro at 9:14 AM on December 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
This is how our male (Hobbs "the cat" Johnson) and female cat(Tam) behave towards each other. He wants to play, she does not. Occasionally it'll turn into a bit of a scrap but she isn't afraid of him, just doesn't like to play so for the most part they get on okay. He also gets to go outside whereas she has no interest in that so they have considerable time apart. Hobbs also likes to play with the dogs, so he has many diverse interests when the weather traps him inside.
We've also just rescued a kitten(Shuri) so it'll be interesting to see the dynamic change as she gets older, but for now both Hobbs and Tam get on well with her and play gently with her.
posted by Fence at 2:51 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
We've also just rescued a kitten(Shuri) so it'll be interesting to see the dynamic change as she gets older, but for now both Hobbs and Tam get on well with her and play gently with her.
posted by Fence at 2:51 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
We are currently trying Feliway multicat plugins for my husband's over the top male and my meek female. Success will honestly resemble ignoring each other rather than being friendly or playing.
I just want to say that it's ok if this cat isn't the right cat for your home. Our cats were brought together by marriage, but neither of us would choose this pair of cats as potential bffs. Before we were married, my husband's cat got to live with a larger, mellow male cat (roommate's) and THAT was the ideal cat for his overly aggressive play style. The bigger cat wasn't bothered by his antics and would literally throw his weight around when he had enough.
posted by rawralphadawg at 5:25 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
I just want to say that it's ok if this cat isn't the right cat for your home. Our cats were brought together by marriage, but neither of us would choose this pair of cats as potential bffs. Before we were married, my husband's cat got to live with a larger, mellow male cat (roommate's) and THAT was the ideal cat for his overly aggressive play style. The bigger cat wasn't bothered by his antics and would literally throw his weight around when he had enough.
posted by rawralphadawg at 5:25 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 12:13 AM on December 10, 2018 [1 favorite]