Help my understand my parents' aging and resulting personality changes.
December 3, 2018 8:41 AM Subscribe
My parents are changing and it's rough. I don't have a therapist to ask about it. Are there books that can help me understand, come to peace, know how to respond?
This is not a "cut off contact" question. If that's your favorite drum to beat please go ahead and skip this one.
My parents are in their 70s, divorced. My dad has remarried, my mother has not. My parents and I have always been close, in different ways, although they have always been kind of difficult people. But while my father is generally mellower now (although getting a bit forgetful, thoughts sometimes hard for me to follow etc.) my mother is just getting worse and worse. This question is really about my relationship with her.
The thing is my mother was always a genuinely kind hearted person, and she has always been passionately devoted to her children. She quite literally saved my life in one of my PPD episodes. While she's always suffered from some level of depression, which I think has run in her family, and prone to bitchy criticism of almost everything, she always enjoyed her children's successes and particularly her grandchildren. But now during her most recent visit to see us she has just been... awful. Not mean to me or my husband or the kids. But grimly joyless, thoughtless and nasty to everyone else, and ruining everyone's good time during a season where we are celebrating various happy milestones. And yet the impression I get is that she doesn't *want* to behave this way. She loves my family, and wants us to love her. She is hurt that my kids and I withdraw from her (but honestly she's lucky we haven't withdrawn even more, the way she's been behaving!) I may be projecting but it appears to me she *wants* to be normal and happy, but just cannot even bring herself to stop making the horrible remarks that alienate everyone around her.
In terms of competence I think she is more competent than average. Being single she has had to take care of her own transactions, bills etc for a long time. I think she is savagely lonely, but not really able or interested in being close enough to another person to be partnered.
Anyway. It has been tough for me. I don't want to withdraw from her just when she appears to me to be hurting badly; and if this is the first step in a descent towards dementia or death then the last thing I want is to abandon her, but... I mean, I don't generally associate with anyone who behaves the way she does. The only coping strategy I know is to just cut mean people off.
I know very little about geriatric psychology and I was thinking if I could learn more maybe I could develop some compassionate responses and understanding, and also help my children through this. Do you know of any books I should read? I am also willing to find a counselor and pay for a couple sessions with someone who could help me understand and come to terms, but no idea how I would find such a person, so I figure books are an easier starting point.
This is not a "cut off contact" question. If that's your favorite drum to beat please go ahead and skip this one.
My parents are in their 70s, divorced. My dad has remarried, my mother has not. My parents and I have always been close, in different ways, although they have always been kind of difficult people. But while my father is generally mellower now (although getting a bit forgetful, thoughts sometimes hard for me to follow etc.) my mother is just getting worse and worse. This question is really about my relationship with her.
The thing is my mother was always a genuinely kind hearted person, and she has always been passionately devoted to her children. She quite literally saved my life in one of my PPD episodes. While she's always suffered from some level of depression, which I think has run in her family, and prone to bitchy criticism of almost everything, she always enjoyed her children's successes and particularly her grandchildren. But now during her most recent visit to see us she has just been... awful. Not mean to me or my husband or the kids. But grimly joyless, thoughtless and nasty to everyone else, and ruining everyone's good time during a season where we are celebrating various happy milestones. And yet the impression I get is that she doesn't *want* to behave this way. She loves my family, and wants us to love her. She is hurt that my kids and I withdraw from her (but honestly she's lucky we haven't withdrawn even more, the way she's been behaving!) I may be projecting but it appears to me she *wants* to be normal and happy, but just cannot even bring herself to stop making the horrible remarks that alienate everyone around her.
In terms of competence I think she is more competent than average. Being single she has had to take care of her own transactions, bills etc for a long time. I think she is savagely lonely, but not really able or interested in being close enough to another person to be partnered.
Anyway. It has been tough for me. I don't want to withdraw from her just when she appears to me to be hurting badly; and if this is the first step in a descent towards dementia or death then the last thing I want is to abandon her, but... I mean, I don't generally associate with anyone who behaves the way she does. The only coping strategy I know is to just cut mean people off.
I know very little about geriatric psychology and I was thinking if I could learn more maybe I could develop some compassionate responses and understanding, and also help my children through this. Do you know of any books I should read? I am also willing to find a counselor and pay for a couple sessions with someone who could help me understand and come to terms, but no idea how I would find such a person, so I figure books are an easier starting point.
Response by poster: Her father had dementia for years. Yes. That is one of the scenarios I am afraid of. I have often encouraged her to seek treatment for depression in the past. I think she got some psychiatric treatment. I don't know what I can do about that. I guess I will ask her today if she is taking the meds.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:57 AM on December 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:57 AM on December 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Can you arrange for your mom to see a good neurologist - and accompany her to the appointment? Dementia is a possibility, so is depression, so is untreated physical pain spoiling her disposition; it could be any number of things. It's definitely time for a complete physical (and psychological) work-up. Would she be willing?
The Alzheimer's Association might be of help.
If it turns out that there is nothing wrong with your mom, and/or she refuses to go to a doctor, would she be open to joining a senior center? The ones put on by my county's Parks and Rec are great - the seniors can go hang out and read, play cards, have lunch, take classes, or even get bussed to wine tastings or other outings. It may be that your mom is cranky because she is lonely and needs to get out more - and that would help her even if depression or dementia was the issue.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:21 AM on December 3, 2018 [6 favorites]
The Alzheimer's Association might be of help.
If it turns out that there is nothing wrong with your mom, and/or she refuses to go to a doctor, would she be open to joining a senior center? The ones put on by my county's Parks and Rec are great - the seniors can go hang out and read, play cards, have lunch, take classes, or even get bussed to wine tastings or other outings. It may be that your mom is cranky because she is lonely and needs to get out more - and that would help her even if depression or dementia was the issue.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:21 AM on December 3, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: It can be a sign of Alzheimer or dementia. It can also be a side effect of medication she is on for other conditions or because she is in pain (old age is full of things hurting). My mother had several tiny strokes that effected her personality in ways that confused all of us even her until they were finally picked up on by a specialist in a whole other field that hadn't seen her for 6 months. My mothers personality changed again & became very angry & confused her as she started having kidney problems which caused depression like symptoms and would lash out then be confused as to why she lashed out. It could also be a combination of lots of little things like the stroke/kidney combo that hit my mother.
Can you talk to your mother about it, get her to sign a Hipaa form so you can talk to her doctors about it? It would be good if she would go to see a neurologist or at the very least her GP.
If it makes you feel better, I found it so much easier to react with compassion to her anger when I knew there was a medical cause for it and that it wasn't aimed at me personally and if this is out of character for her then I would suggest there is an underlying medical cause be it physical or mental health.
posted by wwax at 9:37 AM on December 3, 2018 [7 favorites]
Can you talk to your mother about it, get her to sign a Hipaa form so you can talk to her doctors about it? It would be good if she would go to see a neurologist or at the very least her GP.
If it makes you feel better, I found it so much easier to react with compassion to her anger when I knew there was a medical cause for it and that it wasn't aimed at me personally and if this is out of character for her then I would suggest there is an underlying medical cause be it physical or mental health.
posted by wwax at 9:37 AM on December 3, 2018 [7 favorites]
Also consider frontotemporal dementia, behavioral variant.
More here.
posted by 6thsense at 9:55 AM on December 3, 2018
More here.
posted by 6thsense at 9:55 AM on December 3, 2018
Best answer: Nthing neurologist. This sounds very familiar. If you are thinking Alzheimer's/dementia, I always recommend the 36 Hour Day.
posted by Sophie1 at 10:09 AM on December 3, 2018
posted by Sophie1 at 10:09 AM on December 3, 2018
Especially because you describe this as a marked personality change, it's definitely time to consider a neurological or physiological issue--and it's possible it's something that could be addressed/minimized/fixed with treatment. Only a doctor will be able to provide a real answer, so do what you can to get her a referral to a specialist.
I'm so sorry. My family has gone through this with an elderly relative and it's hard.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:23 AM on December 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry. My family has gone through this with an elderly relative and it's hard.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:23 AM on December 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
Being single she has had to take care of her own transactions, bills etc for a long time.
It's very important that you somehow (without angering her) make very sure she is, in fact, keeping up with the bills. Hopefully, your name is on her banking accounts, because you might find yourself having to take care of some oversight of hers.
Also, do you have Power of Attorney? Even if mom isn't falling into dementia, it's a really good idea that a senior designate a PoA in order to act in their stead should anything happen. If she is falling into dementia, it is ever more critical to have PoA, including medical PoA. Trust me when I say, you don't want to wait until she has no idea what's going on and have to get her to sign legal documents.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:32 AM on December 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
It's very important that you somehow (without angering her) make very sure she is, in fact, keeping up with the bills. Hopefully, your name is on her banking accounts, because you might find yourself having to take care of some oversight of hers.
Also, do you have Power of Attorney? Even if mom isn't falling into dementia, it's a really good idea that a senior designate a PoA in order to act in their stead should anything happen. If she is falling into dementia, it is ever more critical to have PoA, including medical PoA. Trust me when I say, you don't want to wait until she has no idea what's going on and have to get her to sign legal documents.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:32 AM on December 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
Urinary tract infections can cause behavioral changes in seniors. You'll probably start with a primary care appointment for the neurology referral, so make sure the basic tests for depression-related conditions (UTI, anemia, A1C, B vitamins, vitamin D, etc.) are performed.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:27 AM on December 3, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:27 AM on December 3, 2018 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Still hoping for some book recommendations. I agree a neuro workup would be desirable but let's assume that her medical work is, for the time being, not something I can significantly influence. She lives in another country, for one thing. For another... yes, this could be medical, but I think it's more likely psychological. She's always been difficult. Just now she's a lot more so.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:49 PM on December 3, 2018
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:49 PM on December 3, 2018
Best answer: book recommendations
Roz Chast wrote a graphic novel, Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant, about her experiences coping with her elderly parents. I bought it but haven't been able to face reading it yet.
posted by thelonius at 2:49 PM on December 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
Roz Chast wrote a graphic novel, Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant, about her experiences coping with her elderly parents. I bought it but haven't been able to face reading it yet.
posted by thelonius at 2:49 PM on December 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It's been out a while, but Elder Rage, or Take My Father... Please!: How to Survive Caring for Aging Parents was helpful to me when I began to need to do more caregiving for my parents. (Don't let the "I don't have a parent who rages" idea put you off.)
posted by camyram at 9:40 PM on December 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by camyram at 9:40 PM on December 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A friend told me just last night about an NPR segment she happened to catch that really helped her have some conversations with her parents. I did some digging and am pretty sure this is the segment. It's primarily about driving but the core concepts could use used in other contexts. Taking the car keys away from older drivers.
The segment includes Elizabeth Dugan, author of The Driving Dilemma: The Complete Resource Guide for Older Drivers and Their Families
posted by bunderful at 5:38 AM on December 4, 2018
The segment includes Elizabeth Dugan, author of The Driving Dilemma: The Complete Resource Guide for Older Drivers and Their Families
posted by bunderful at 5:38 AM on December 4, 2018
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Not to scare you, but, your mother's behavior closely resembles my own mother's behavior when Alzheimer's became apparent. They know they're acting in ways they don't want, but can't seem to help it. It's very unnerving to them and scary.
Seniors living alone are very susceptible. Having a history of depression only makes things worse. Being alone for such a long time wears on a person until they simply start crumbling. Is she being treated for depression? If not, that might be a good place to start, if she acknowledges the problem.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:55 AM on December 3, 2018 [6 favorites]