I am stuck in limbo is this what dating nowadays is like?
November 30, 2018 2:43 AM Subscribe
I am in the early stages of dating a great guy however I I feel stuck not knowing where the relationship is headed. Am I overthinking this situation or do I move on?thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read and respond to this.
I’m confused and stuck in limbo with a guy that I’m dating please help?
I’m a nervous anxious person not had many dates. I feel worried I will say the wrong thing and lose the guy but this is mainly because of my inexperience.
In the summer I went on date (with a guy I meet on a dating site) we met for drinks and got on really well. He later texted me to say he enjoyed it and he organised a further date (2weeks later) this time bowling in my town then a local pub.( he lives approximately 1 hours drive away from me)I felt he was drinking abit more than I normally do (I don’t really drink probably 1 or 2 a week maximum). He asked me “what I look for in a guy” I got nervous and dodged the question as my mind went blank at the time. He didn’t really bring up anything like this again and we simply talked and laughed about general topics. Even after this date I engaged in conversation about meeting again and he was happy to. We were having problems arranging a date as we were both busy had other commitments. We eventually arranged something for 2 weeks later. This time I went to his city and had a meal at a local restaurant. I always pay for my share as I feel the time for the guy to pay for everything has long gone and he seems happy with this arrangement.
We have our careers in comment (accounting) and he seems like an intelligent person which I really like. These dates seem more friends hanging out. I really like him.
In the third date/ meeting I did ask about his drinking and how often he drinks. It seemed he didn’t like his question by his reaction but he did respond saying he goes to bars and clubs etc so guessing drinking has been a big part of his lifestyle.
We were texting daily or every few days but didn’t meet up until a month later (he organised this). As he was in holiday with friends and I was with my friends too.
When we finally met it was good we laughed/ talked. He asked me again “what I look for in a guy I really want to know”
I responded a serious long term relationship with a person having similar values to me he agreed about a long relationship.
he made a comment during this date “ I hope your not too good” in which I responded I have been good up to now but this can change. for some reason I forgot to ask about what he looks for in a girl?!!
We have been texting again once a day between dates. I then organised a date the week later. This is went I felt it went south. I was not myself and was shaken up due to a bad driving experience. I mentioned this when I say him and I probably came off more negative then intended. We ended the date early as he was tired.( I was annoyed as I drove to his city). I did challenge this by mentioned he doesn’t usually sleep early.
When we were walking back to our cars. I had parked around the back of a dark alley way and he didn’t really talk or show willing to walk with me back in the dark. I was really upset about this as I felt it showed he didn’t care about my safety ? Am I overthinking is too much???
Ultimately I need to take some responsibility as I was shaky and more negative due to being affected by the driving experience
After this date I needed to take a step back and evaluate where I was headed with him and also look at my self and how I could work on improving myself. After about a 4day break i contacted him then we started texting again.
I feel the texts slowed out on his part maybe because I took a break away from him. Eventually he was texting normally again
He mentioned he is suffering from an injury and can’t drive and will be going to physio to resolve it. The pain was severe and he can’t drive for too long. As a result I didn’t arrange another date nor did he.
He has regularly been in contact talking about his life/ work he is still engaging in these conversations with me.
Fast forward this week- I feel stuck in limbo not knowing where this is headed so told him I haven’t arranged a meet up as he seems busy/ got leg pain or doesn’t want to?
He responded a day later and said his car is in the body shop and he is Carless, proceeding to talk about general things. He asked when I’m back from my holiday (going to Spain for my birthday with friends). Again he didn’t set a date to organise to meet up.
I don’t really want to invest my all into this if he is stringing me along? I have caught feelings quickly. How can I approach this openly and talk about my feeling? I don’t want to let it go without knowing where I stand with him ? Do I need to be more assertive take responsibility to express myself openly about liking him and wanting to meet up?? I’m not going on other dates with other guys until I at least know the outcome of this.
Do I do all this by text?
Thank you so much for talking the time to read all this much appreciated.
I’m confused and stuck in limbo with a guy that I’m dating please help?
I’m a nervous anxious person not had many dates. I feel worried I will say the wrong thing and lose the guy but this is mainly because of my inexperience.
In the summer I went on date (with a guy I meet on a dating site) we met for drinks and got on really well. He later texted me to say he enjoyed it and he organised a further date (2weeks later) this time bowling in my town then a local pub.( he lives approximately 1 hours drive away from me)I felt he was drinking abit more than I normally do (I don’t really drink probably 1 or 2 a week maximum). He asked me “what I look for in a guy” I got nervous and dodged the question as my mind went blank at the time. He didn’t really bring up anything like this again and we simply talked and laughed about general topics. Even after this date I engaged in conversation about meeting again and he was happy to. We were having problems arranging a date as we were both busy had other commitments. We eventually arranged something for 2 weeks later. This time I went to his city and had a meal at a local restaurant. I always pay for my share as I feel the time for the guy to pay for everything has long gone and he seems happy with this arrangement.
We have our careers in comment (accounting) and he seems like an intelligent person which I really like. These dates seem more friends hanging out. I really like him.
In the third date/ meeting I did ask about his drinking and how often he drinks. It seemed he didn’t like his question by his reaction but he did respond saying he goes to bars and clubs etc so guessing drinking has been a big part of his lifestyle.
We were texting daily or every few days but didn’t meet up until a month later (he organised this). As he was in holiday with friends and I was with my friends too.
When we finally met it was good we laughed/ talked. He asked me again “what I look for in a guy I really want to know”
I responded a serious long term relationship with a person having similar values to me he agreed about a long relationship.
he made a comment during this date “ I hope your not too good” in which I responded I have been good up to now but this can change. for some reason I forgot to ask about what he looks for in a girl?!!
We have been texting again once a day between dates. I then organised a date the week later. This is went I felt it went south. I was not myself and was shaken up due to a bad driving experience. I mentioned this when I say him and I probably came off more negative then intended. We ended the date early as he was tired.( I was annoyed as I drove to his city). I did challenge this by mentioned he doesn’t usually sleep early.
When we were walking back to our cars. I had parked around the back of a dark alley way and he didn’t really talk or show willing to walk with me back in the dark. I was really upset about this as I felt it showed he didn’t care about my safety ? Am I overthinking is too much???
Ultimately I need to take some responsibility as I was shaky and more negative due to being affected by the driving experience
After this date I needed to take a step back and evaluate where I was headed with him and also look at my self and how I could work on improving myself. After about a 4day break i contacted him then we started texting again.
I feel the texts slowed out on his part maybe because I took a break away from him. Eventually he was texting normally again
He mentioned he is suffering from an injury and can’t drive and will be going to physio to resolve it. The pain was severe and he can’t drive for too long. As a result I didn’t arrange another date nor did he.
He has regularly been in contact talking about his life/ work he is still engaging in these conversations with me.
Fast forward this week- I feel stuck in limbo not knowing where this is headed so told him I haven’t arranged a meet up as he seems busy/ got leg pain or doesn’t want to?
He responded a day later and said his car is in the body shop and he is Carless, proceeding to talk about general things. He asked when I’m back from my holiday (going to Spain for my birthday with friends). Again he didn’t set a date to organise to meet up.
I don’t really want to invest my all into this if he is stringing me along? I have caught feelings quickly. How can I approach this openly and talk about my feeling? I don’t want to let it go without knowing where I stand with him ? Do I need to be more assertive take responsibility to express myself openly about liking him and wanting to meet up?? I’m not going on other dates with other guys until I at least know the outcome of this.
Do I do all this by text?
Thank you so much for talking the time to read all this much appreciated.
After the last date he didn’t contact you for four days, you contacted him, and you haven’t seen him since with no future dates planned? He took a day to respond to your last txt to him? Yeah, move on, he isn’t THAT interested. I have certainly taken public transit for hours to see someone I like, and wanted to be with them despite a lot of physical pain. You aren’t a priority to him and you don’t know him well enough to know if your main values are in alignment - but your main mutual value should be that both of you think you are awesome. I’d txt him to let him know you are looking for something a bit more substantial and wish him well and then go out with other people.
posted by saucysault at 3:39 AM on November 30, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 3:39 AM on November 30, 2018 [10 favorites]
Best answer: It doesn't seem like he's that interested given the infrequency of meeting since the summer, sorry. I've had similar myself - there are even terms for it as being such a common part of modern dating: "simmering" where someone will chat and even go on dates if they have nothing else to do but they're not that interested and really just keeping you as a fallback option or because they like the attention. And then "icing" where really they don't want to continue things but rather than just tell you that, will infrequently/blandly respond to messages and have lots of excuses for why they can't meet up. Esther Perel has some good writing on this and other aspects of dating.
You should try going on more first dates with a range of people - from your post it doesn't seem seem like you have specific things you are looking for or that he matches, and although you like him and got on well, I think you should hold out for more of a mutually enthusiastic response before putting so much into one person. Good luck
posted by JonB at 4:06 AM on November 30, 2018 [14 favorites]
You should try going on more first dates with a range of people - from your post it doesn't seem seem like you have specific things you are looking for or that he matches, and although you like him and got on well, I think you should hold out for more of a mutually enthusiastic response before putting so much into one person. Good luck
posted by JonB at 4:06 AM on November 30, 2018 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Agree with previous commenters who say he seems disinterested, break it off and go out with other people. However, this:
"I feel worried I will say the wrong thing and lose the guy but this is mainly because of my inexperience."
You don't meet the right person by carefully editing yourself and slowly letting them see the real you - the right person is going to like you, for you, and you should not worry about "saying the wrong thing" on first, second, or fiftieth dates.
Somebody that's into you is unlikely to be scared off by saying something dumb. I've been on dates where I've definitely lost interest because of something they said, but it wasn't that they slipped up - it was that they showed me who they really are, and it wasn't a match. Likewise, I'm sure I've said the "wrong" thing, but looking back it wasn't a match. I might have been attracted to them, but it wasn't going to work out long term.
In future dates, please give yourself permission to relax and be yourself. Somebody is going to adore you, I guarantee it.
posted by jzb at 4:32 AM on November 30, 2018 [32 favorites]
"I feel worried I will say the wrong thing and lose the guy but this is mainly because of my inexperience."
You don't meet the right person by carefully editing yourself and slowly letting them see the real you - the right person is going to like you, for you, and you should not worry about "saying the wrong thing" on first, second, or fiftieth dates.
Somebody that's into you is unlikely to be scared off by saying something dumb. I've been on dates where I've definitely lost interest because of something they said, but it wasn't that they slipped up - it was that they showed me who they really are, and it wasn't a match. Likewise, I'm sure I've said the "wrong" thing, but looking back it wasn't a match. I might have been attracted to them, but it wasn't going to work out long term.
In future dates, please give yourself permission to relax and be yourself. Somebody is going to adore you, I guarantee it.
posted by jzb at 4:32 AM on November 30, 2018 [32 favorites]
Best answer: On the second date, you felt he was drinking a bit more than you do. When he asked you what you're looking for in a guy, you didn't answer.
This is where you had the first inkling that your lifestyles might be a bit mismatched, and you communicated to him for the first time (unintentionally) that you're probably not that interested in a relationship with him. Listen to your gut. It's not wrong to keep going out with the guy after this, to keep enjoying his company and see if maybe you're compatible in some way after all, but these are just little things to notice in the moment so you understand where things stand.
On the third date, you asked him directly about his drinking, and he was annoyed by the question.
At this point it became clear to you that your lifestyle and his are not compatible. If the two of you are going to spend free time together, and he wants to spend most of that time drinking at bars, clubs, and pubs, and you don't, it requires someone to change. Asking other people to change doesn't work very well. Making a change to yourself to accommodate a new beau...isn't necessarily wrong, but when it crops up on the 2nd or 3rd date, maybe think whether you're changing in a way you'd choose for yourself in the long run even if he were out of the picture?
The next time you met and he asked you what you look for in a man, and he only agrees with the part about long-term? He is being pretty clear that he also sees areas of mismatch. When you say similar values, and he says "I hope you're not too good," my guess is he's referring to how he likes to drink more than you do. When you said "I could be bad," was your attitude more like "I've been having a total blast with you on every date, and I'm so excited to make drinking with you a huge part of my lifestyle for the long term!" or more like "I'm going to try to stretch myself to accommodate you, because I want a relationship, but it's going to be uncomfortable and a huge effort." The latter is something that may be necessary when you're truly building a life with someone, but at this early stage, it's really OK to let this go and look for someone who is more of a lifestyle match, for both of you. Honestly, this conversation was the signal for you to date other guys. It happened in person. He let you down easy.
And then long distance on top of that. When you drove to his city, you realized that the drive is stressful for you, and that it's hard for you to relax and have fun after that kind of drive. There's nothing wrong with that. Instead of writing off how negative it made you, maybe accept that it's another reason dating this guy isn't really compatible with you and where you are in your life right now.
I think this guy is trying to make it clear to you without being cruel that he is never going on another date with you. The injury that prevents driving, the carlessness ... I'm not saying he's lying, but it's like when a girl says she can't go on a date because she has to wash her hair. It's true she has to wash her hair, but it wouldn't be preventing her from going out with someone she wants to go out with.
The fact that he is texting you a lot makes it seem that what he wants is a texting friend, someone to chat about his life and work with. (His life and work more than yours, I take it?) Is that what you want? If it is, keep texting him and date other guys. If it's not, let him know via text.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 4:49 AM on November 30, 2018 [11 favorites]
This is where you had the first inkling that your lifestyles might be a bit mismatched, and you communicated to him for the first time (unintentionally) that you're probably not that interested in a relationship with him. Listen to your gut. It's not wrong to keep going out with the guy after this, to keep enjoying his company and see if maybe you're compatible in some way after all, but these are just little things to notice in the moment so you understand where things stand.
On the third date, you asked him directly about his drinking, and he was annoyed by the question.
At this point it became clear to you that your lifestyle and his are not compatible. If the two of you are going to spend free time together, and he wants to spend most of that time drinking at bars, clubs, and pubs, and you don't, it requires someone to change. Asking other people to change doesn't work very well. Making a change to yourself to accommodate a new beau...isn't necessarily wrong, but when it crops up on the 2nd or 3rd date, maybe think whether you're changing in a way you'd choose for yourself in the long run even if he were out of the picture?
The next time you met and he asked you what you look for in a man, and he only agrees with the part about long-term? He is being pretty clear that he also sees areas of mismatch. When you say similar values, and he says "I hope you're not too good," my guess is he's referring to how he likes to drink more than you do. When you said "I could be bad," was your attitude more like "I've been having a total blast with you on every date, and I'm so excited to make drinking with you a huge part of my lifestyle for the long term!" or more like "I'm going to try to stretch myself to accommodate you, because I want a relationship, but it's going to be uncomfortable and a huge effort." The latter is something that may be necessary when you're truly building a life with someone, but at this early stage, it's really OK to let this go and look for someone who is more of a lifestyle match, for both of you. Honestly, this conversation was the signal for you to date other guys. It happened in person. He let you down easy.
And then long distance on top of that. When you drove to his city, you realized that the drive is stressful for you, and that it's hard for you to relax and have fun after that kind of drive. There's nothing wrong with that. Instead of writing off how negative it made you, maybe accept that it's another reason dating this guy isn't really compatible with you and where you are in your life right now.
I think this guy is trying to make it clear to you without being cruel that he is never going on another date with you. The injury that prevents driving, the carlessness ... I'm not saying he's lying, but it's like when a girl says she can't go on a date because she has to wash her hair. It's true she has to wash her hair, but it wouldn't be preventing her from going out with someone she wants to go out with.
The fact that he is texting you a lot makes it seem that what he wants is a texting friend, someone to chat about his life and work with. (His life and work more than yours, I take it?) Is that what you want? If it is, keep texting him and date other guys. If it's not, let him know via text.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 4:49 AM on November 30, 2018 [11 favorites]
From reading, I'm inclined to interpret "I hope you're not too good" as being about sex. I think much of this might depend on cultural context and I think I'm probably from a different environment/culture than you, but framing not having casual sex as "being good" and trying to get someone (a woman) to not "be good" rubs me the wrong way.
Like - people can want to have casual sex or not want to have casual sex and both personal decisions are equally fine but the setup of casual sex being something that one person [a man] tries to extract from another person [a woman] who's not 100% up for that is not fine, IMO, especially if he's describing that even euphemistically as being bad. (Unless you all have really on-point communication and it's really clear that that's a joke/poking fun at societal ideas, but it doesn't sound that like that's the level of communication you two are at?)
posted by needs more cowbell at 5:24 AM on November 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
Like - people can want to have casual sex or not want to have casual sex and both personal decisions are equally fine but the setup of casual sex being something that one person [a man] tries to extract from another person [a woman] who's not 100% up for that is not fine, IMO, especially if he's describing that even euphemistically as being bad. (Unless you all have really on-point communication and it's really clear that that's a joke/poking fun at societal ideas, but it doesn't sound that like that's the level of communication you two are at?)
posted by needs more cowbell at 5:24 AM on November 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: My take as well was his saying he hoped you weren't "too good" meant he hopes you weren't conservative about sex.
My sense is that he is stringing you along in hopes you'll sleep with him at some point . he might like you as a person too but it doesn't seem like he wants a relationship. Sorry.
Meet/date more people! Esp. Local ones. I think that will really help.
posted by bearette at 5:59 AM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
My sense is that he is stringing you along in hopes you'll sleep with him at some point . he might like you as a person too but it doesn't seem like he wants a relationship. Sorry.
Meet/date more people! Esp. Local ones. I think that will really help.
posted by bearette at 5:59 AM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, here to say it sounds like he hopes you're not "too good" for some casual fun (sex included), which seems to be all he is down for. He's keeping a line open for that very reason.
posted by Young Kullervo at 6:14 AM on November 30, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by Young Kullervo at 6:14 AM on November 30, 2018 [10 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with the posters above that it well could be about sex. I'm trying to help you parse out what he is saying very literally, without assuming this guy is either lying or being coy about his intentions, and without making you guess based entirely on cultural assumptions.
I responded a serious long term relationship with a person having similar values to me
he agreed about a long relationship.
he made a comment during this date “ I hope your not too good”
You want = long relationship + shared values
He wants = long relationship + [conspicuous silence about values] + person who's not too good
This is him telling you that he does not share your values.
He may want a long relationship, but he does not want one with you, because he perceives that your values and lifestyle are different from his.
Everything that happens after this is an attempt to negotiate what else may be possible between you two, other than a long relationship based on shared values.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 7:14 AM on November 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
I responded a serious long term relationship with a person having similar values to me
he agreed about a long relationship.
he made a comment during this date “ I hope your not too good”
You want = long relationship + shared values
He wants = long relationship + [conspicuous silence about values] + person who's not too good
This is him telling you that he does not share your values.
He may want a long relationship, but he does not want one with you, because he perceives that your values and lifestyle are different from his.
Everything that happens after this is an attempt to negotiate what else may be possible between you two, other than a long relationship based on shared values.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 7:14 AM on November 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: When men are really into you, you don’t constantly wonder if they’re into you or not. This dude is not expressing enthusiasm for being with you. Plus it sounds like you’re not a good match for each other anyway—he drinks a lot more than you, and you’ve already suggested changing yourself for him? No. Fuck that. You deserve someone who is excited to be with you as you are. Dump him.
posted by a strong female character at 7:58 AM on November 30, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by a strong female character at 7:58 AM on November 30, 2018 [8 favorites]
Best answer: All good points above.
The last date where you were agitated and he didn't comfort or make you feel comfortable at all is a sign that it's not a good fit. You were left feeling more upset and unsafe and he retreated instead of helping you. You were questioning his motives already (about ending the date early) which is a bad sign.
I think he isn't crazy about driving to see you, and that he thinks you're probably not a great match (hence his questions about what you want, his hesitance to be open about his lifestyle), but he likes you enough to keep talking to you (if you continue to initiate things) and doesn't want to be a jerk.
Stop texting him and try to let it be, have fun on your trip!
posted by lafemma at 8:53 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
The last date where you were agitated and he didn't comfort or make you feel comfortable at all is a sign that it's not a good fit. You were left feeling more upset and unsafe and he retreated instead of helping you. You were questioning his motives already (about ending the date early) which is a bad sign.
I think he isn't crazy about driving to see you, and that he thinks you're probably not a great match (hence his questions about what you want, his hesitance to be open about his lifestyle), but he likes you enough to keep talking to you (if you continue to initiate things) and doesn't want to be a jerk.
Stop texting him and try to let it be, have fun on your trip!
posted by lafemma at 8:53 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm sorry, I don't mean to second guess you when you say you like him, but I can't figure out why? There doesn't seem to be much about his actions toward you that point to him being a good potential partner. If your friend were writing your question instead of you, what would you advise your friend? Because I don't think you'd like seeing a friend having to drive long distances and not get walked back to their car at night, nor be made to feel bad about their values ("too good"), nor spend time with someone whose heavy drinking is concerning to them.
You don't have to be stuck in limbo on this. You can choose to walk away.
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:00 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
You don't have to be stuck in limbo on this. You can choose to walk away.
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:00 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: It seems like you are too caught up in whether he likes you and thinks you are good enough for him to date, and instead you need to examine much more carefully whether you actually like him and see him as a good match for you.
The fact that you say " I feel worried I will say the wrong thing and lose the guy" suggests to me that you are really concerned about having his 'approval', which isn't great grounds on which to start a relationship. You can't say the wrong thing and lose someone, but you can be a mismatch. Do you think he is so worried about your approval? I think it is pretty obvious he isn't, he didn't even walk you to your car!
Something that worked for me was sitting down and very carefully thinking about what I wanted in a partner. I literally wrote a list. I was tired of giving my time to men who had actually shown themselves very early on - like you, I often ignored significant signs that we weren't compatible and kept persisting in horrible situations, sometimes for years (that one was with a functioning alcoholic - I knew he was a heavy drinker on date 3. Don't ignore the alcohol use.) On my list was things I wanted my ideal partner to be like, and also things I wouldn't put up with (heavy drinker was at the top). When I met my husband, it was so good to be able to refer back to the list and see where he matched up. I also realised things like 'goes to the gym' weren't that important because he had other qualities- being kind, intelligent, having similar values, having a great sense of humour. I really think that you should sit down and write your own list. It might make you see more clearly that this guy isn't actually a great catch.
Further to that, I heard someone somewhere say that the most important thing is that a man is kind to you and others, to animals, etc. I have come to agree 100% with that.
posted by thereader at 10:33 AM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
The fact that you say " I feel worried I will say the wrong thing and lose the guy" suggests to me that you are really concerned about having his 'approval', which isn't great grounds on which to start a relationship. You can't say the wrong thing and lose someone, but you can be a mismatch. Do you think he is so worried about your approval? I think it is pretty obvious he isn't, he didn't even walk you to your car!
Something that worked for me was sitting down and very carefully thinking about what I wanted in a partner. I literally wrote a list. I was tired of giving my time to men who had actually shown themselves very early on - like you, I often ignored significant signs that we weren't compatible and kept persisting in horrible situations, sometimes for years (that one was with a functioning alcoholic - I knew he was a heavy drinker on date 3. Don't ignore the alcohol use.) On my list was things I wanted my ideal partner to be like, and also things I wouldn't put up with (heavy drinker was at the top). When I met my husband, it was so good to be able to refer back to the list and see where he matched up. I also realised things like 'goes to the gym' weren't that important because he had other qualities- being kind, intelligent, having similar values, having a great sense of humour. I really think that you should sit down and write your own list. It might make you see more clearly that this guy isn't actually a great catch.
Further to that, I heard someone somewhere say that the most important thing is that a man is kind to you and others, to animals, etc. I have come to agree 100% with that.
posted by thereader at 10:33 AM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: His drinking and his response to your question were both red flags. You seem like an intelligent and attractive person, so I'm sure you'll find that right person sometime soon.
posted by JamesBay at 10:50 AM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by JamesBay at 10:50 AM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all so much. This has provided me with a lot of insight and given me perspective on where I go with this and future dates. The thing that striked me the most is that honestly I don’t think I am that into him! He has model like looks and I think I was blinded by that! I have sent him a text saying I am looking for something more substantial and sent him my best wishes. I have taken onboard the comments about not being too invested (in one guy) and going on a range of first dates. All the comments have been really helpful thanks guys!
posted by Reetz30 at 1:00 PM on November 30, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by Reetz30 at 1:00 PM on November 30, 2018 [10 favorites]
I’m not going on other dates with other guys until I at least know the outcome of this.
I definitely want to agree with others that it's okay to be dating, casually like this, with more than one person at a time. It sounds like you all haven't kissed or had any intimate contact, never mind a conversation about whether you were exclusive. And even if you had kissed -- you would need to have a conversation about exclusivity before you should assume there's no one else for either of you.
I think, when he asked what you look for in a guy, he was asking something more like, "What are you looking for in a relationship?" It's good to know the answer to this. Something like, "I'm interested, ultimately, in a longer term relationship with a person with shared values like [give examples]." That's a great thing to discuss early in dating as you can save a lot of time if you find out someone really only wants casual sex while you want long term (for example).
One more thing...
I had parked around the back of a dark alley way and he didn’t really talk or show willing to walk with me back in the dark.
Did you ask him to walk you to your car? If you are scared or concerned for your safety, it's good and healthy and reasonable to say, "Hey, I parked my car in a dark alley. Would you mind walking me there?" It sounds like you were waiting for him to offer, but it might not have occurred to him. It's good to say what you want.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:29 PM on November 30, 2018
I definitely want to agree with others that it's okay to be dating, casually like this, with more than one person at a time. It sounds like you all haven't kissed or had any intimate contact, never mind a conversation about whether you were exclusive. And even if you had kissed -- you would need to have a conversation about exclusivity before you should assume there's no one else for either of you.
I think, when he asked what you look for in a guy, he was asking something more like, "What are you looking for in a relationship?" It's good to know the answer to this. Something like, "I'm interested, ultimately, in a longer term relationship with a person with shared values like [give examples]." That's a great thing to discuss early in dating as you can save a lot of time if you find out someone really only wants casual sex while you want long term (for example).
One more thing...
I had parked around the back of a dark alley way and he didn’t really talk or show willing to walk with me back in the dark.
Did you ask him to walk you to your car? If you are scared or concerned for your safety, it's good and healthy and reasonable to say, "Hey, I parked my car in a dark alley. Would you mind walking me there?" It sounds like you were waiting for him to offer, but it might not have occurred to him. It's good to say what you want.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:29 PM on November 30, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by PurpleFox at 3:37 AM on November 30, 2018