How do I find a sex worker who will act as a surrogate partner?
November 27, 2018 10:40 AM   Subscribe

I'm a straight guy in my forties with limited sexual experience. I've always had some anxiety around sex, which can manifest in physiological issues (ED, PE). I'd like to work with a surrogate partner, but for complicated reasons that hasn't worked out. How do I find a sex worker who will play a similar role, letting me practice sex in a low-pressure setting?

Basically I want someone to work with on a regular basis, who would be sensitive to issues like mine, non-judgmental and open to taking things slow if I need to. I know a surrogate would fit the bill and I've actually met with a local surrogate, but she told me that surrogate partners always work with the involvement of an additional therapist; I'm not averse to this, but my insurance won't cover therapy and my budget is limited. Just seeing the surrogate regularly would be at the far end of what I can afford, so there's no way I can pay out of pocket for a therapist too.

I'm in the SF Bay Area and there are lots of sites where sex workers post ads. But the ads are not geared toward people in my position, and I have no idea how to find one who would be a good fit for what I'm specifically looking for. And it's not like I could just call some up and ask, since sex work is illegal. Also the ads mostly ask for references from other providers, which I don't have.

Any ideas would be helpful. Throwaway email:
posted by anonymous to Grab Bag (7 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
This sounds like the kind of thing you could state in say a contact ad at the back of the newspaper and you might well be contacted by someone willing to do this work with you either for free or pay. I suppose you risk being contacted by someone thinking this is a kink and that you would, for example, like to be "instructed" or something, but hopefully a frank exchange by phone in advance might clear those sort of things up. Warning: this is possibly dreadful advice.
posted by Iteki at 11:46 AM on November 27, 2018

Therapists can work on a sliding scale based on your income and ability to pay. Alternately, while I admittedly don't know this from personal experience, my understanding is that there is a phrase in the industry called "GFE", short for "Girlfriend Experience", in which the sex worker role-plays the role of a girlfriend with you.
posted by WCityMike at 12:12 PM on November 27, 2018

"GFE", short for "Girlfriend Experience",

"Surrogate partner," in this context, doesn't mean "person who pretends they're romantically involved with you," it means "person who has sex with you as part of therapy, to help you overcome hangups etc."
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:25 PM on November 27, 2018 [11 favorites]

[One deleted. Folks, it's kind to want to help but if you don't actually know the answer, it's better to just pass this one by, rather than giving "if I had to guess, probably the approach is x" type answers.]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 1:45 PM on November 27, 2018 [4 favorites]

My former roommate is a sex worker (in call, not out call), and she specializes in "girlfriend experiences". She says that sometime she feels like a sex therapist (with the emphasis on therapist) for many of her clients. So no, I don't think this is a weird thing to seek out, nor is it uncommon.
posted by ananci at 5:00 PM on November 27, 2018

Try posting this at r/sexworkers on Reddit. Actual providers can give you advice. Not sure if it's allowed to post an ad there so read the community rules first.
posted by foxjacket at 9:24 AM on November 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

I messaged you, but I'm going to respond here so other MeFites know what to do in similar situations. This is a great question, by the way. I'm sad the stigma against sex work is so high that you have to post anonymously! Good luck.

You want to see a sex worker.

Plenty of providers will be interested in a kind, respectful client like yourself with clear goals for your session. However, not all providers have the skill set to help you. I suggest messaging a handful of sex workers that pique your interest and saying exactly what you've said here. Be wary of advertising and review boards, they are notoriously hostile to sex workers and have shitty user security. (Use a VPN to get around the new SESTA laws. For example The Erotic Review is no longer visible to users with a U.S. IP address.) Go ahead and browse but contact providers another way, preferably through the booking forms on their personal websites. Sex workers are also very active on Twitter and Mastodon. Send a little spiel over DM and ask for a secure way to talk. r/SexWorkers is a good suggestion. Here are other places to look.

Don't worry about references; providers have other ways of verifying your identity, like seeing a state ID and checking employment.

You want to see a sexological bodyworker.

What is sexological bodywork? Basically, hands-on sex education and intimacy coaching. Providers vary in the kinds of therapeutic sexual services they provide, and some will be quite offended if you phrase it that way! But many have backgrounds in the industry. Be discreet when you inquire.

"Sexological Bodyworkers are somatic sex educators, supporting individuals, couples and groups to learn to direct their own erotic development, learn about their bodies, sex and sexuality, or work through sexual issues or concerns. We offer experiential learning opportunities that consciously access profound ecstatic and erotic states. Our teaching involves a variety of instructive modalities, including breathwork, touch, erotic massage, pelvic release work, scar tissue remediation, and Orgasmic Yoga coaching."

This is a fairly new offering so there aren't many trained providers, but here are some directories to browse: [1] [2] [3] [4]

You want to see a surrogate.

Save up? I don't know your budget, but any of these experiences will be pricey. Your best bet may be to stack some cash, explore all three options, then choose the provider who suits you best.

You can't afford any of these options, and want to try a casual relationship instead.

Do you know about FetLife? Make an account and use your profile to outline your situation. While largely for kinky folks, some site users are more interested in casual sex. Search for local groups and post in your regional Classifieds. You might try going to a local meet and greet (or "munch") to connect with people. It can be very rewarding to mentor newbies... perhaps some Mommi wants to take you under her wing! I would supplement this choice with sex ed, somatic exercises and anti-anxiety tools.
posted by fritillary at 3:33 PM on November 28, 2018 [2 favorites]

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