How can we comfort my nephew?
October 29, 2018 11:06 AM Subscribe
I have a precocious three year old nephew who has developed a fear of fire. He constantly asks about the heater in his house and what happens if it catches on fire. A couple of months ago, he saw his mother chase a fox away from the chicken coop- and he ruminated on that incident for quite some time. Now he seems to have moved past foxes and chickens and onto fire. Any suggestions for how to help an especially young child better cope with worry and anxiety?
I like to really acknowledge fears and then say how we are minimizing any danger.
"Oh, you are clever to be concerned about because in the old days it was a big danger. Now well learned how to build homes safe, make thing much less likely to catch on fire, and we stopped using a bunch of dangerous thing like dangerous heaters. We have a new type of heater, that isn't dangerous like the old heaters. And still, just in case! We have fire detectors that scientists invented! They just get a hint of smoke before a fire and it gives us a loud, loud warning. When we bought this house firefighters came in and checked to make everything is the right kind and not dangerous.
We need to change the battery every year. That will keep us safe. Will you change it with me every year? "
Pick a day and put it on the calendar.
posted by ReluctantViking at 11:24 AM on October 29, 2018 [27 favorites]
"Oh, you are clever to be concerned about because in the old days it was a big danger. Now well learned how to build homes safe, make thing much less likely to catch on fire, and we stopped using a bunch of dangerous thing like dangerous heaters. We have a new type of heater, that isn't dangerous like the old heaters. And still, just in case! We have fire detectors that scientists invented! They just get a hint of smoke before a fire and it gives us a loud, loud warning. When we bought this house firefighters came in and checked to make everything is the right kind and not dangerous.
We need to change the battery every year. That will keep us safe. Will you change it with me every year? "
Pick a day and put it on the calendar.
posted by ReluctantViking at 11:24 AM on October 29, 2018 [27 favorites]
Yes, YMMV, but most stations/companies have given enough tours/school visits to have age-appropriate tour information for little kids. October is Fire Safety month too; the local firehouse would love to have him as a visitor - little kids are the best. It may help him to know that there are specific people who work just to make sure that things like that don’t happen or are less likely to happen. And if something troublesome does happen, The Helpers will make sure he and his family and pets are as safe as they can be. Prepare for lots of attention and swag.
posted by sara is disenchanted at 11:34 AM on October 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by sara is disenchanted at 11:34 AM on October 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'd point out the smoke detectors in the house and show him how they work. Seconding a visit to the fire station -- in my experience (when my kid was little), firefighters are always welcoming to a small kid who'd like to look around. And I'd pop into the library and ask the librarian for any recommendations for children's books about firefighters. In short, don't try to diminish his fear by pooh-poohing it, explore it to the fullest to empower him with knowledge.
Also check to see if your city/county has a special firehouse open house day -- those are usually extra special because they will be running demonstrations, showing how high the truck's ladders extend, letting kids hold onto a firehose, etc.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:35 AM on October 29, 2018
Also check to see if your city/county has a special firehouse open house day -- those are usually extra special because they will be running demonstrations, showing how high the truck's ladders extend, letting kids hold onto a firehose, etc.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:35 AM on October 29, 2018
I went through a period of being terrified of a house fire when I was a child. I had nightmares that I couldn't get everyone out in time. It would have been very comforting to me for my parents to tell me that they were in charge of keeping us safe, that I didn't have to keep us safe. I couldn't tell them at the time what I was worried about--so I didn't get that reassurance.
posted by agatha_magatha at 11:51 AM on October 29, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by agatha_magatha at 11:51 AM on October 29, 2018 [14 favorites]
A friend of mine was just saying this weekend how much help they'd gotten from Helping Your Anxious Child. You're describing a systemic issue, not an isolated fear of one specific thing.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:51 AM on October 29, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 11:51 AM on October 29, 2018 [10 favorites]
(Not that any kid comes with pre-installed anxiety management tools, I'm just saying that smoke detectors are probably not going to solve this problem.)
posted by Lyn Never at 11:52 AM on October 29, 2018
posted by Lyn Never at 11:52 AM on October 29, 2018
oh hey it me as a five year old
Taming Worry Dragons is maybe a bit too old for him, but its techniques can be adapted for younger-than-8 kids. It has some good coping techniques, can be personalised to the kid in question, and as a bonus, dragons are cool.
In my case, fire was the fixation, and there was a provoking incident that got me latched onto it, but the issue wasn't fire so much as my nascent anxiety/OCD. I don't have kid-specific suggestions, but it would be good for family to make sure his worry isn't impacting him too severely, and to maybe consider an intervention with a good therapist or kid-specialist if he's really worrying a lot.
posted by halation at 11:53 AM on October 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
Taming Worry Dragons is maybe a bit too old for him, but its techniques can be adapted for younger-than-8 kids. It has some good coping techniques, can be personalised to the kid in question, and as a bonus, dragons are cool.
In my case, fire was the fixation, and there was a provoking incident that got me latched onto it, but the issue wasn't fire so much as my nascent anxiety/OCD. I don't have kid-specific suggestions, but it would be good for family to make sure his worry isn't impacting him too severely, and to maybe consider an intervention with a good therapist or kid-specialist if he's really worrying a lot.
posted by halation at 11:53 AM on October 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
Asking questions about it and verbally processing his fears is a valid coping technique! As you said, he's gotten over the fox situation. Although it might seem like he's only moved on to worrying about something else, it's actually great that he was able to let the fox go instead of merely adding fire. Keep talking to him, let him explore the fear and figure out which parts are real and relevant (putting fabric over the heater would be dangerous) and which are not (the heater itself is a beneficial tool). Help him see that pattern, wherein a big scary thing can be broken down to constituent parts that are manageable, and that adults can help with that process while he works on learning it himself.
posted by teremala at 11:53 AM on October 29, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by teremala at 11:53 AM on October 29, 2018 [8 favorites]
Nthing visit to the fire department. Where we live they offer age appropriate tours, but also individual, scheduled visits.
Also, if you have an opportunity and place, show him how you make a SMALL fire and douse it out. My son around age three was rather fearful of fire, until my mother let him watch her make fire in her wood stove. Watching her he realised how difficult it is to make a fire and keep it burning.
And also my husband made a small bonfire in a fire pit we have in the garden.
You want it to be small, otherwise it will scare him more. We actually let him feed the flames, and then stamp it out after dousing it with water.
Mind you it really depends on the child. Our son is quite fact based from an early age. Realising the adults know how to control the fire helped him.
posted by 15L06 at 11:53 AM on October 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Also, if you have an opportunity and place, show him how you make a SMALL fire and douse it out. My son around age three was rather fearful of fire, until my mother let him watch her make fire in her wood stove. Watching her he realised how difficult it is to make a fire and keep it burning.
And also my husband made a small bonfire in a fire pit we have in the garden.
You want it to be small, otherwise it will scare him more. We actually let him feed the flames, and then stamp it out after dousing it with water.
Mind you it really depends on the child. Our son is quite fact based from an early age. Realising the adults know how to control the fire helped him.
posted by 15L06 at 11:53 AM on October 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
My 4-year-old can tend towards the more anxious side, so take this with a grain of salt, but - I think at this age, repeating the same/similar question over and over can also be a processing thing, rather than a sign of MAJOR DISTRESS like it would be for an older kid or an adult. (See also: needing to repeat the request to put on shoes four times before the kid seems to get it, argh.) We tend to just answer his questions neutrally and factually, and as many times as needed, until he's satisfied and can "set down" the question. For my kiddo, making a big deal out of it and providing more explanation than needed (and pointing out that he seems scared or that fire is scary or whatever other acknowledgement-scaffolding we'd tend to use with an adult) seems to ramp up his anxiety more than just answering the question four or five times in a row.
Your preschooler may vary, but it's probably worth really examining how anxious they seem when they ask questions over and over, and checking whether you're attributing the repetition to anxiety or worry when it may be more of a typical preschooler verbal developmental thing.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:50 PM on October 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Your preschooler may vary, but it's probably worth really examining how anxious they seem when they ask questions over and over, and checking whether you're attributing the repetition to anxiety or worry when it may be more of a typical preschooler verbal developmental thing.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:50 PM on October 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Here is a question I asked five years ago about the same thing. I think the trigger for my daughter was a combination of regular fire drills at school combined with fire safety videos plus she has a pretty healthy level of anxiety overall. It took a few months of things like talking about fire in general, how stoves work, what keeps the fire from spreading, going to a firehouse on one of their community open days and going in the smoke trailer and playing with the practice fire extinguishers, and then just telling her, "I'm cooking, if you're scared to be in the house you can go be in the backyard and watch through the door." And she still was really upset, but she had to process it in her own time.
posted by disconnect at 1:40 PM on October 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by disconnect at 1:40 PM on October 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
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He's contemplating the loss of things, and like every person does, he fears loss deep in his programming. Kids assess risk and fear loss with a complete lack of experience, everything they own (which is most of the things they know of) is irreplaceable, and everything they know about fire comes from kids making things up, adults soft-selling them, and whatever they see on TV or hear on the radio.
posted by Sunburnt at 11:20 AM on October 29, 2018 [7 favorites]