I want to fix everything

October 28, 2018 6:54 PM

Each one of my siblings are all going through difficult times and I've been trying to be the best brother. How do I deal with the fact that I can't make all of their problems go away?

My sister-in-law was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and things aren't looking good. My brother is distraught and dealing with a lot of things (taking care of his two kids, job) - I offered him support and love yet feel as if I'm overwhelmed with the feeling that I'm not doing enough. We're lucky enough to have a huge family (4 sisters and countless friends) and I feel confident that we'll all be there for each other.

My whole immediate family is dealing with numerous problems and issues. Whether it be job-related, mental health disorders, finance etc. I feel heavy anxiety and wish I could make all of these problems go away for them. I always do my best to be the best brother they can count on. They have all kids and we all live within the same area.

I understand that instead of dwelling on how bad things are, that I should be grateful for so much. Of course I'm grateful and I would never take it for granted.

How do I learn to be stronger for them?
How do I accept that I'm doing all that I can for them? When I feel like I want to do more.

Thank you.

posted by morning_television to Human Relations (5 answers total)

I think this is the most human feeling in the world - we love these people so much and we wish so deeply for their lives to be better but, as humans, it is not in our power. Try to have some compassion for yourself - you are doing something hard here. Maybe not has hard as struggling with cancer or keeping a family together while your wife is ill but this challenge - to do what you can and bear the weight of what you can't - is your challenge and it is real and it deserves respect.
posted by metahawk at 7:15 PM on October 28, 2018 [5 favorites]

So often the best way to support others is to just listen with love and compassion. I also come from a big family and live far away from all of my siblings. For one, I leave random voicemails when I think of her and ramble on about something happy or funny that happened to me that day. For another, I send little emails about shared interests or anecdotes that can be ignored or become conversation starters. Occasional group texts are nice, too, including funny ads we see or photos of our pets. One I don't talk to much but we are always there for a long phone call when we do. And for other family members it's about liking their photos on social media and occasionally leaving a supportive and positive comment.

Rarely are these conversations about giving advice and more about giving validation, love, and support. It's not about trying to see things on the sunny side or pretend everything will be OK; it's acknowledging how hard things must be but also that you know they have the strength and resilience to face it all. Most of the time the conversations are about distracting or lifting people up. Anxiety runs in my family and we're all chronic worriers: I'm the only one who's had formal therapy to work on it so I model healthy ways for dealing with stress and worry. Sometimes your brother probably needs to air his concerns but other times he's probably very glad to be distracted by the mundane and/or absurd details of your life, so far away from his. Your complimenting him as a loving husband and loving dad -- the more specific the better-- probably also helps when his family's future is so unclear. ("I can imagine it was disappointing not to be able to help the kids with their Halloween costumes this year but they're very creative, just like you! I can't wait to see what they create. What are they planning?" and what not.)

It really sucks to see our loved ones struggle and feel so "useless." However, caring is what matters and it sounds like you're already doing a great job of that!
posted by smorgasbord at 9:58 PM on October 28, 2018 [5 favorites]

I would merely point to the fact that this is a tropey point of conflict: he's frustrated because he can't fix her problem, she's frustrated because she didn't ask him to fix it. I doubt your siblings are asking you to fix their lives for them, right? I would focus on validating their feelings, and provide practical support where you can -- do laundry, send meals, or go grocery shopping, or mow a lawn if you're local.

That's all any of us can do really.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:49 AM on October 29, 2018 [4 favorites]

One thing you can do is address your own anxiety and - as much as you can - try to make sure it's not in the picture in your dealings with them. This is something I have to work on as my parents age and I have to tread the line between "do I really need to go to this appointment with my dad or is that the anxiety talking?" "is mom's X condition really serious or am I panicking?" "If I do X is that about what's good for my parent or is it about making myself feel better?"

We cannot make anyone else's problems go away. Being alive means suffering. Buddhism might help with that.

Check in regularly. Listen, don't try to fix it. Say "I love you." Do small practical things like DarlingBri suggests. Watch the kids so they can get dinner if they want, invite them over for board games and cookies, swing by with a pan of lasagna, etc.

Think back to your own times of crisis. Who do you remember from that time? What did they do? For me it's the people who just kept showing up, calling, sending texts, bringing dinner, sending small gifts in the mail, listening, hugging. And when I give someone my full attention, listen to them, and show my love through giving them that time and space, I do feel like I'm doing something to help, and that helps me too.

Empathetic listening might be worth looking into.
posted by bunderful at 6:17 AM on October 29, 2018 [1 favorite]

I find that when I'm beating myself up about not being able to fix someone else's problem, it ends up coming across (totally unintentionally!) as judgmental of the other person -- like, "This should be easy to fix! Why are we both so incompetent that we can't fix it???" The problems you mentioned are not easy to fix, and putting pressure on yourself to wave a magic wand is simply eating up energy that could be better spent providing a listening ear.

I know that your desire to fix everything is coming from a spirit of compassion. If you can expand that compassion to yourself, it would likely help the entire system. And I do often say to people, "I wish I had a magic wand to make everything better!" It can be a way of acknowledging everyone's feelings of both helplessness and compassion and keep me out of "fix-it" mode.
posted by lazuli at 7:21 AM on October 29, 2018 [3 favorites]