How do I let a hyper-social coworker with Aspergers know he's being awkward?

October 27, 2018 1:59 PM

I have a coworker, who in some ways is an assistant to me (the strata of this work situation is not quite linear) and has Aspergers. He has told me this, I'm not just guessing. Usually he's pretty good at his job, though I have found that I have to give him very specific bite-sized tasks at times which can be problematic as he's in a management role where he should be doing that himself...but I digress...the issue at hand is his hyper-social nature, and how I can deal with it myself, and how I can let him know that it's problematic in terms of how he does his job and his relations with others on the team.

I've met and worked with many folks with Aspergers, some who have trouble with socializing, and some who seem to overcompensate, and this coworker is in the latter category. Any time this coworker sees a conversation going on he will drop whatever task he's doing, and come over and stand awkwardly close to those having the conversation and interject his opinion. Often he falls back on little verbal tics that he plays off as jokes (if people are arguing about something his go-tos are "girls girls, you're both pretty" or "mom and dad stop fighting").

I like the guy, and don't mind socializing with him when I don't have to be around him 24/7, but unfortunately we have been traveling for work together the last three weeks, working 12-14 hour days, and are about to do the same for another three weeks. I'm already at my wit's end. I don't want to hang out with him after work because I'm so over-saturated by his presence during the day, and I find myself getting grumpy with him in ways that I'm not proud of. Personally I'm a hardcore introvert that pretends to extrovert pretty well, so my own space is hugely important to me and this is feeling like a violation of my psychic bubble.

Some of our other coworkers are having this problem with him too, but as the person who works closest to him, and is in some ways his superior I feel like I have a responsibility to bring his attention to it.

He was recently diagnosed, and when he told his ex-wife she said "oh yeah, I've thought that for a while". When he conveyed that story to me he said "I wish she had been more honest with me about that, I might have been able to work on things".
So - with that said, I know he values honesty about this.

I also know that often times those with Aspergers don't respond to subtle cues and subtext, so if I'm going to mention this to him I may have to be forthright in a way that might feel otherwise blunt to me.

Ultimately my question is: how do I let him know that he's inserting himself into conversations and social situations where he's not needed or welcome, and that it's affecting people's tolerance of him on long work days...without hurting his feelings?

I do like him, and if I didn't have him following me around during the entire work day I'd be happy to get a drink with him after work, but because I don't get any time away from him during the day I just want to isolate after work...and I feel bad that I'm sort of pushing him away, because as someone who suffers from mental illness I know how it feels to be different.

If anyone has any thoughts on this, especially those with Aspergers I'd love to get some guidance on how to talk to him about this.

posted by anonymous to Society & Culture (12 answers total)

Either you're his supervisor or you aren't. If you are delegated some supervisory duties but are not his supervisor, I would ask his supervisor how, if at all, they want to address this.

For you - I would set clear boundaries for this trip. When he says "Shall we go to the bar tonight?" (or whatever) say, "Wow, this has been an intense couple of weeks. I need some alone time to recharge. I am going to take off by myself tonight." Feel free to add "...and I will need alone time in the evenings for the rest of the trip."

For the stuff during the work day - again, I'd go back to who is actually his supervisor? If it isn't you, they need to be taking on the role if there is any conversation to have. Is he still finishing all of his work tasks and behaving professionally (if annoyingly) to coworkers and clients)? If so, there may not bee a problem that should be addressed by "work", this might be something that a friend/mentor would want to coach him on, if he asked for feedback.
posted by arnicae at 2:07 PM on October 27, 2018 [3 favorites]

I have Aspergers and recently received an official diagnosis too. All I can say is that for myself and many Aspies we would prefer honesty, even bluntness, when we're being socially inappropriate. A caveat like "I know you mean well" is helpful too, since we can be sensitive. I know I would want to know and would be mortified if everyone thought I was annoying and I never had a chance to fix it.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 2:15 PM on October 27, 2018 [8 favorites]

Attack one thing at a time. "Dave, do you remember today when you said girls, girls both of you are pretty? I know you think it's funny but I need you to understand why that isn't okay. First, don't refer to women as girls. Second of all, don't tell women in your workplace they are pretty. Third, don't interject yourself into conversations that don't involve you. Can you think about that and let me know if it makes sense? Is that okay?"
posted by DarlingBri at 2:41 PM on October 27, 2018 [6 favorites]

his go-tos are "girls girls, you're both pretty" or "mom and dad stop fighting"

Tell him flat out that it's not appropriate to refer to other adults in the workplace as "girls", "mom", or "dad".

I don't know what you can do about the general habit of his interrupting people in this way, but if he could stop making fun of others while he's doing it that might help people's perceptions of him.
posted by yohko at 2:45 PM on October 27, 2018 [5 favorites]

My work has a few interns who are autistic and one of the great things about them as coworkers (from my perspective as a non-autistic person) is that they are very responsive to redirection and explicit boundary setting when they misstep. Like "Please go work on task x for an hour independently" and "That topic is not appropriate for work" usually result in immediate behavior change and they don't appear to feel bent out of shape about it.

I would try to talk with him privately, tell him you've noticed a couple things that aren't coming across the way he intends, and give him a few specific things to do. (Eg, knock off the two jokes about fighting, ask before joining a conversation, leave you alone for 20 minutes when you say "Dave, I need quiet to focus on this.")
posted by Snarl Furillo at 3:03 PM on October 27, 2018 [6 favorites]

The problem with telling him that it's not appropriate to call people girls/pretty/mom/dad is that that isn't really the problem here (well, it is a problem, of course, but not the main problem)--the problem is that he's inserting himself into the conversation that doesn't involve him. So I would really focus on that, in that particular conversation at any rate. It's not like it would be any less annoying if he butted in and said, "Women, women, you're both smart" or whatever every time two people disagreed.
posted by tiger tiger at 3:21 PM on October 27, 2018 [11 favorites]

yea, it would be kind of you to say something to him, especially about the "girls girls" sort of comments. If someone interjected something like that into a conversation I was having at work I would be furious. Even if you're not sure if you have the authority to say it as a supervisor, you can say it as a friend.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:24 PM on October 27, 2018 [4 favorites]

If you're his direct supervisor, bring it up at his next performance review. If you aren't, mention it privately to the person who is and hope that they bring it up at his next performance review.

Otherwise, butt out unless his behavior is actually inappropriate.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:10 PM on October 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

I think there are two issues— hypersocializing, AND clearly using inappropriate language at work. (I think he’s using “girls” regardless of gender, but it feels sexist either way and will likely creep some people out.) If you separate these two things I think it will come off more compassionate and encouraging than conflating them (even though they may in fact be comorbid, due to e.g. lack of boundaries). Saying “you’re using inappropriate language at work, and also [ed: maybe in a separate meeting another time] you’re bringing yourself into work-related conversations where the goal is to reach a resolution, but your goal is to get a laugh. Those two things sometimes go hand in hand, but you need to respect the fact that your coworkers want to focus on the discussion with their own style and priorities and probably don’t need the comic relief at that moment.” Or something to that affect.

Keeping those issues separate will help prevent the message as coming across as “you’re too much,” which is the kind of nonspecific, nonactionable, bad vibe you want to avoid in the workplace.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:52 AM on October 28, 2018 [2 favorites]

I'd try having a calm one on one conversation with him about these things, explaining what is not working in his behaviour, and ask if he'd appreciate it if you would give him a discreet hint if he did it again. That way, you'd not be making him look bad in front of others, and he might very well appreciate the chance to learn.

His 'jokes' may be ways to deal with what he sees as a fight, which is making him stressed. He needs to stop trying to keep people from debating or discussing things in a way that he may see as loud and scary. Maybe he can remove himself from the situation when that happens.

He sounds like the kind of person you can be direct with, and he will probably handle clear requests well. He probably wants to do better and you can help him.
posted by Too-Ticky at 5:03 AM on October 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

If you're his direct supervisor, bring it up at his next performance review.

No, definitely do not do this. A good performance review conducted by a capable manager should be just that - a review of things that both people already know. There should never be new information in a performance review, because a good leader address issues as they happen.

It is fine to have a conversation with him even if you aren’t his supervisor, but I would pick one most problematic behavior and talk about that only. In this case I’d focus on not getting involved in conversations that don’t include him, and leave aside the jokey content of his messages.
posted by jeoc at 5:46 AM on October 28, 2018 [8 favorites]

My biggest concern would be with any comments that are gender-based or indicate bias in other ways. This--combined with the way he derails serious conversations-- could be making people uncomfortable or even come across as hostile, especially to a more junior/younger co-worker. People who are used to him may think, well this is just a weird quirk that he has. But co-workers putting up with this kind of thing from someone who positions themselves as the office joker may be contributing to discomfort for junior people who don't want to bring it up.
posted by BibiRose at 8:15 AM on October 28, 2018