You Don't Have To Keep Telling Me That, Do You?

October 21, 2018 8:48 PM

My Aunt is dying of cancer, my dad keeps reminding me. Is this necessary? Am I being overly sensitive? Details follow.

In this question I detailed the situation with my Aunt, whom I am not close with, and haven't spoken to but once in my adult life, who is dying of cancer. Since I last posted that question, her condition has improved and she is in treatment, though her prognosis is anywhere from a couple weeks to a year or two at most.

So, I've talked to my Dad a few times since then. I always start off the conversation inquiring about my Aunt, and how she's doing, and how my Dad is doing emotionally. A couple times I called looking to make plans to drop in and see him when I am in his town. Both he and his wife always say "Of course we can't commit,because we don't know whats going to happen with your Aunt." Which... of course! To me that goes without saying. Its a given. What I find strange, is that whenever its then other way around and they want to make plans with us, (which they've done a couple times), they never preface it with, "of course, if something changes with your Aunt we would have to back out." So its starting to seem like something else is at play here. To me it seems like...

A. They disapprove of my level of involvement in this event and so must remind me that I am being inappropriate in asking them to do something fun (?) during this sad time (which,maybe, I am?)

or

B. They aren't interested in doing whatever it is I am proposing, and this is a convenient excuse.

I am totally prepared for you guys to tell me if I am being insensitive, or oversensitive here. If I'm overly dramatically making this all about me and I should just get over myself, please tell me that too. We have a really small extended family, two aunts and that's it. One I saw once in my adult life, and one I saw never in my adult life. So far no one close to me has died, and I don't really have any idea what's expected and proper. I don't feel much about this Aunt's passing since I don't really know her, but she and my Dad were... not close exactly, but in touch with each other at least. While my Dad doesn't seem sad, (just sort of overwhelmed by trying to get her affairs in order) he may well be really broken up and not showing it. I can't tell.

Anyway, my question is, does it seem odd to you guys that they keep reminding me about my Aunt's condition, given that I've already inquired about her at the beginning of the conversation, and have been updated on the seriousness and soon to be finality of her situation, and that no one seems sad and that it doesn't stop them from making plans when they want to, only when I want to.

Also, general insight as to how to behave respectfully and helpfully in a situation like this is also appreciated.

Thank you!

posted by WalkerWestridge to Human Relations (15 answers total)

This is about them trying to wrap their heads around your aunt's condition. They're not reminding you, they're processing their own new reality. Your dad's losing a sibling, and it doesn't matter what the actual relationship was that's still a world-shifting event.

The reason it seems to have a weird logic is that humans are weird and have very strange psychological scaffolding, particularly about death and dying.

Maybe you can think of letting this slide as a favor you can do your parents right now? You don't have to get it, just accept it's a thing in their heads and politely let them work it out on their own.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:58 PM on October 21, 2018 [50 favorites]

This doesn't seem odd to me. Health is a frequent topic for older people that they discuss and are concerned about. I agree with Lyn Never that it is a form of processing. From the moment that my great aunt went into hospice and for at least a year she died, every conversation I had with my mother involved my great aunt somehow. It wore on me too. She was the first of Mom's aunts to pass away and it was difficult.

I don't think you are being insensitive or oversensitive - just very observant and perhaps a little mentally exhausted. You might find briefly acknowledging it when it comes up and then redirecting the conversation helpful.
posted by Calzephyr at 9:17 PM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]

If I'm overly dramatically making this all about me and I should just get over myself, please tell me that too.

That's my read.

If you open a conversation with your dad by asking about his sister, you've put her in his head for the rest of the conversation, and it should be no surprise that she comes up again later on.

In trying to interpret what's going on as being indicative of your dad's relationship with you, I think you're failing to take into account the difference between the strengths of his and your relationships with his sister. The fact that he's more bound up with her than you are should not be a surprise, and is in and of itself a perfectly good explanation for why he keeps bringing her up, which I would tend to assume has nothing at all to do with how he feels about you.

general insight as to how to behave respectfully and helpfully in a situation like this

Exactly what you're doing is fine, except for the part where you give yourself reasons to feel insecure or offended about your dad mentioning that your aunt's condition might cause plans to come undone. Just let that go.
posted by flabdablet at 9:23 PM on October 21, 2018 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I think it’s just that when they make plans with you they have the time to think through it before the conversation, because it was their idea. So that the things you think go without saying actually do go without saying, because they’ve thought about them already. When you just propose something they say it because they thought of it.

Anyway I think you need to cut your dad a whole lot more slack here and with anything else going on. Try to really put yourself in his shoes. Not like just picture it but really try to feel it in your gut.
posted by bleep at 9:44 PM on October 21, 2018 [17 favorites]

Best answer: I get the weirdness that when you come there, everything is contingent on your Aunt but when they talk about visiting you, it never gets mentioned. One possibility is that when they are at home, they are in a constant state of suspended loss - any minute now they could get a call. So when you talk about being in their town, with them, that bleeds over. But when they decide to visit you, they have already decided that this is OK to do and your town is not so associated with the constant worry about your aunt. Also, like mentioned above, they have already made plans so things are clearer in their mind.

Or maybe they ARE trying to send you a covert message that they want you to worry more. Just like you know that this is your father's sister but it can be hard to get the scope of that loss, they may know the facts that you are fairly distant from your aunt but they don't really get why you aren't as wrapped in this as they are. But unless they are explicitly blaming you, it is probably ok to just leave that in the background and don't overreact, even if you are sure that is what they are thinking. People can get very weird when facing death and it will be gift to your parents to be as accepting and supportive as you can while still taking care of yourself.
posted by metahawk at 10:00 PM on October 21, 2018 [5 favorites]

It's clear on the basis of this post and the one from June that you and your father are estranged. You don't know each well enough to communicate or read one another non-verbally. Everything rests on toxic, uninformed assumptions because you don't understand him and he doesn't understand you.

Under the circumstances, you really only have two options

a) disengage completely out of self-preservation, frustration, whatever. Take care of #1 and just see how the situation unfolds with no further input or effort from you

or

b) put your father in the hot seat by explicitly stating your wants and needs in the nicest possible way: "Dad, I want to help, but I have no read on this situation and need your help to figure out how. Let's work together to light a candle rather than curse the darkness. Tell me what I can I do."

The Mandarin character for "crisis" also means "opportunity." Maybe this situation is an opportunity to begin to address long-standing, unresolved issues that have kept you from having a relationship with the only father you'll every have.
posted by BadgerDoctor at 11:06 PM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

When this situated is packed away and your Aunt is dead and gone in five years, when you look back, what will you wish you’d have done?
posted by Jubey at 4:37 PM on June 13

This is the answer.
If it were me, I'd be spending some quality time with my dad and step-mom. But we just had a funeral in the family for someone's dad, so I'm projecting.

Are you ready to build bridges with your dad? Give him a hug, a funny message about a shared interest, an invite for some us-time. Same thing for his wife, since she is dear to him and it's pointed if you ignore her. Don't put him in that place of choosing to make one of you happy.
Let him know that he is a good brother. He needs to hear it, so that in a stressful time he can believe it.

If this isn't a working solution, keep your distance so that you do less harm. If you can't bring yourself to fully support him, don't pretend that he can lean on you. He's hurting. He needs an oak, not a willow.

This is a sad, complicated time. Even at the outside of this, do something for yourself. Watching the previous generation die away is it's own sorrowful place.

I am sorry for your troubles.
posted by TrishaU at 11:31 PM on October 21, 2018 [4 favorites]

Just nthing that this is about your dad trying to cope with the impending loss of a sibling, and confronting his own mortality. Death makes people get a little bit weird. He mentions it a lot because it's on his mind a lot, simple as that.

If you recognize it for what it is, you can treat your dad as someone who is grieving and processing, someone who is confused and frightened, but who maybe doesn't have the tools to confront it head-on—or maybe just doesn't have a relationship where he's comfortable confronting it head-on with you specifically.

I'm not saying you need to become his personal therapist or anything, just that this sounds like a case where a little empathy and a little slack-cutting would go a long way. You can reach out and try to comfort him if you want, or you could just choose to let this slight weirdness slide while your dad works this stuff out on his own. Either is fine. It's not about you, though.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:14 AM on October 22, 2018 [7 favorites]

My love has Cancer, at best ,he has only a few years. The diagnosis, the surgeries he has had and treatments he is undergoing make life very different than it was.
Sometimes people on the outside of our little orbit do not understand how different.
Everyone deals with the stressors of life differently, try not to take it personally
posted by ReiFlinx at 5:00 AM on October 22, 2018 [9 favorites]

I have made a large part of my life's work ministering to the dying and the grieving, and it has taught me to always, as much as possible, give them the widest possible berth, and as ReiFlinx says, take as little of it personally as possible.

I am so sorry about your aunt.

Also, it may be that your dad is talking about it because, either consciously or subconsciously, it is a way of coming to terms with this situation, by hearing himself say it out loud, so there is that.
posted by 4ster at 6:23 AM on October 22, 2018 [5 favorites]

If you've not come across it already, you might find Ring Theory a useful way to help you frame this and deal with it. Your dad is closer to the centre than you, so you cut him as much slack as you can.
posted by penguin pie at 8:16 AM on October 22, 2018 [4 favorites]

I think I'd just take what they say at face value. Your aunt's condition and health are a big deal to them, and they might be passive aggressively throwing shade, but even if they are, the right approach is simply to pretend that they're not, so you can just treat it as no big deal and go on with making plans.
posted by spindrifter at 8:26 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: It's also possible that they wish you would offer more assistance in getting her affairs in order so they're pointing out that it's a big part of their lives. It seems impossible to say whether it's a passive aggressive thing or just their focus right now, so ignoring it seems like the best option.
posted by metasarah at 10:13 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: from your last question it sounds like she's been given a week-plus to live ever since last June. so it wasn't like they were told six months ago that she definitely had about six months, with a clear timeline of decline. it was continuously knowing from then to now that she could die this week, maybe in a year, maybe tomorrow. there's no way to overstate how paralyzing and exhausting this is. in retrospect it's a set period of months when someone was dying; a finite process. in the moment, it's forever. there is no way to import that future perspective into the present because they can't know how long she'll live until she's dead. it is about the worst thing in the world.

this is true for every terminal patient past a certain stage, this constant warning that death could come tonight or next year and there's no way to know. and then the patient has good days sometimes and it seem impossible they could really be dead in a week. so you have to keep reminding yourself of it, but you can't say it around them, so you say it around everybody else. it's just what happens.
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:37 PM on October 22, 2018 [7 favorites]

Let it slide.

If they find a new convenient excuse to brush you off once this one goes away, or if they don’t, then you’ll have your answer.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:27 PM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]