"Fresh Dad Jokes" is kind of an oxymoron, I know, but...
October 17, 2018 9:05 AM   Subscribe

I'm planning my "Dad's Chili" booth for a cookoff in a couple of weeks. I give a free (alright, obligatory) dad joke with each bowl. This is my second year doing this, so my adoring public already knows where the general keeps his armies*, what's all brown and sticky**, and whats brown and rhymes with "snoop."*** I need some new material.

I'm a dad joke collector, so any dad joke you can glean from Googling I've already found. I need new groaners -- topical, pop-cultural if I can get 'em -- to keep my shtick lively.

Keep in mind this is a Church audience and school-aged kids are my biggest fans. Can you help me keep it fresh, fun, and family friendly?

*in his sleevies
**a stick
***Dr. Dre
posted by cross_impact to Writing & Language (34 answers total) 28 users marked this as a favorite
 
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint
Want to hear a long joke? (hopefully they say yes) Jooooooooooooooooke
posted by lyssabee at 9:24 AM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]


My dad's favorite joke is:

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!
posted by darchildre at 9:33 AM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]


Okay, here's what you do. Go to youtube and do a search for "Def Comedy Jam Dad Jokes".

This is just one of many videos full of dad jokes.

You're welcome.
posted by cleverevans at 9:49 AM on October 17, 2018


I like to follow up the stick joke like this:

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's long and stringy?
A string.

What's cold and clammy?
A clam.

What's brown and sticky, long and stringy, cold and clammy?
A clam tied to a stick.
posted by mermaidcafe at 10:11 AM on October 17, 2018 [8 favorites]


Also: reddit dad jokes
posted by mermaidcafe at 10:12 AM on October 17, 2018


When you've got them primed with mermaidcafe's jokes, you can return to original form with this one:

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!
posted by gauche at 10:13 AM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


Why was the motorcycle at the side of the road?
It was two/too tired

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
Tell you tomorrow

Knock knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
To whom.
posted by papergirl at 10:25 AM on October 17, 2018 [6 favorites]


Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated ARRGGGGHHH.

What's a pirate's favorite letter? (Interlocutor answers "arrrrrgh".) You would think so, but it's actually the C.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree? A porcupine.

What's a snake's favorite school subject? Hiss-tory.

What's a seal's favorite school subject? Art art art art (said in seal voice).

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na (said to the tune of the opening notes of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony).

If you have the time to tell the "orange you glad I didn't say banana?" knock knock joke, it goes over well with your target audience.

And of course, the funniest joke ever told, the sine qua non of humor, the Interrupting Cow.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:27 AM on October 17, 2018


"I would tell you a joke about pizza, but its too cheesy."
posted by anastasiav at 10:53 AM on October 17, 2018


Why did the skull always win the race? She was ahead!
posted by sacrifix at 10:58 AM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]


Have you heard the rope joke? It’s too long.
posted by nathaole at 11:14 AM on October 17, 2018


Why does the mushroom get invited to so many parties?

He's a real fungi!
posted by momus_window at 11:15 AM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]


After they groan:
There’s nothing like a good joke!
... and that was nothing like a good joke.
posted by SaltySalticid at 11:24 AM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


Best answer: How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away the little brooms.
posted by Aleyn at 11:38 AM on October 17, 2018 [19 favorites]


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.
posted by spamloaf at 11:50 AM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent
posted by ActionPopulated at 12:06 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
posted by redfoxtail at 12:27 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Snowballs.

Best told to 12 year old boys.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:50 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


What's red and sticky? Baton Rouge.
posted by FritoKAL at 1:18 PM on October 17, 2018


Knock knock!
Who's there?
Delayed Reaction Lamb.
Delayed Reaction Lamb who?
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
posted by DirtyOldTown at 1:28 PM on October 17, 2018


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know
posted by standardasparagus at 2:38 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]


Best answer: A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.




















These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
posted by standardasparagus at 2:40 PM on October 17, 2018 [8 favorites]


[okay, last one for now—I am a huge fan of this genre]


Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm it would be justwater
posted by standardasparagus at 2:41 PM on October 17, 2018 [5 favorites]


Why do Norwegian warships have barcodes on them?

So when they dock they can... Scandinavian.
posted by Weeping_angel at 2:46 PM on October 17, 2018 [5 favorites]


Did you hear about the earthquake in Parma? All of their hard cheese was destroyed. There was nothing left but debris (da Brie)!
posted by Weeping_angel at 2:49 PM on October 17, 2018


What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh
posted by raider at 3:52 PM on October 17, 2018 [3 favorites]


Two guys walked into a bar.

The third one ducked.
posted by Weeping_angel at 4:05 PM on October 17, 2018


What cheese do you use to lure a bear out of a tree?

[gesturing] Camembert!
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 4:36 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


Want to hear a joke about paper?

Never mind, it's tearable.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 5:16 PM on October 17, 2018


A rabbi, a priest, and a basketball player walked into a bar.

The bartender looked up and said "What is this, a joke?"
posted by nonasuch at 6:31 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


How did Tigger get his head stuck in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
What did one all say to the other?
I'll meet you in the corner.

The public library probably has lots of joke books in the kids section.
posted by Enid Lareg at 6:56 PM on October 17, 2018


I learned today that the horror movie The Fly, in the case of both the original starring Vincent Price and the remake starring Jeff Goldblum, is just over 90 minutes' running time. Do you know why that is?

Because it's a bug and a feature.
posted by gauche at 7:18 PM on October 17, 2018 [3 favorites]


What, me tell dad jokes? Nah, I don't often tell dad jokes.

But when I do, he always laughs.
posted by pianissimo at 7:41 AM on October 18, 2018


Aleyn: How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away the little brooms.


AM DED.

Also, am dad so AM DED DAD. Also, am nerd so AM D[EA]D.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:23 AM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


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