What should I do if an abuser gets violent after I cut him off?
October 14, 2018 11:41 AM Subscribe
Alright, so I'll just be frank with this. The abuser is my older brother and I have tried to make it clear that I don't want anything to do with him but he doesn't seem to get it and thinks that just by showing "affection" everything is alright between me and him.
Last Friday, I flew into a rage which I regretted afterwards because of his provocations. Unlike him I understand that said behavior makes people uneasy, so I apologized to my other family members, but as long as he continues to think things are fine this will continue. This has to stop, I don't like being angry like that and it has been years since I've been that angry.
My brother is a violent, aggressive and emotionally abusive person. You cannot interact with him without things getting heated up to a point that leads to confrontation. Last Friday, it nearly went that way, my father stopped us, needless to say I went into a rage because of his provocations, I should have known better and just ignored or deflected his nonsense, but I didn't and things went bad. These sort of things are common with my brother, he's fought my father twice because of similar circumstances and my uncle as well. All three of those times he provoked the other people, it's just how he is, interactions with him always go that way, because he raises his tone, he insults or insinuates, that's how things are.
My parents seem to think this is normal behavior. I mean when I get angry they say it's out of character and that I should know better, but when he does it they don't tell him anything. I would say that's unfair, but it's really just that his behavior is normal and expected from him. I think that they don't want to address it, they're afraid or they just think it's normal behavior.
I'm not my parents, and I'm done, so I intend to tell him things between me and him are over. I will apologize for getting angry and for whatever else I may have said in the past that he felt hurt about, but I will tell him that as far as I'm concerned I don't want any sort of relationship with him, that I don't want his affection, or him being around me or anything from him. I will also tell him that if he ever wants any sort of relationship in the future, he will respect those boundaries and that he'll have to change his ways. This has gone on long enough and I do not want to behave like an animal, just because that's the only thing he respects.
So what do I do if he gets angry after I tell him all that? Should I just walk away? What if he tries to hurt my father again or me? I have to tell him those things, but I'm sure he will lash out.
Last Friday, I flew into a rage which I regretted afterwards because of his provocations. Unlike him I understand that said behavior makes people uneasy, so I apologized to my other family members, but as long as he continues to think things are fine this will continue. This has to stop, I don't like being angry like that and it has been years since I've been that angry.
My brother is a violent, aggressive and emotionally abusive person. You cannot interact with him without things getting heated up to a point that leads to confrontation. Last Friday, it nearly went that way, my father stopped us, needless to say I went into a rage because of his provocations, I should have known better and just ignored or deflected his nonsense, but I didn't and things went bad. These sort of things are common with my brother, he's fought my father twice because of similar circumstances and my uncle as well. All three of those times he provoked the other people, it's just how he is, interactions with him always go that way, because he raises his tone, he insults or insinuates, that's how things are.
My parents seem to think this is normal behavior. I mean when I get angry they say it's out of character and that I should know better, but when he does it they don't tell him anything. I would say that's unfair, but it's really just that his behavior is normal and expected from him. I think that they don't want to address it, they're afraid or they just think it's normal behavior.
I'm not my parents, and I'm done, so I intend to tell him things between me and him are over. I will apologize for getting angry and for whatever else I may have said in the past that he felt hurt about, but I will tell him that as far as I'm concerned I don't want any sort of relationship with him, that I don't want his affection, or him being around me or anything from him. I will also tell him that if he ever wants any sort of relationship in the future, he will respect those boundaries and that he'll have to change his ways. This has gone on long enough and I do not want to behave like an animal, just because that's the only thing he respects.
So what do I do if he gets angry after I tell him all that? Should I just walk away? What if he tries to hurt my father again or me? I have to tell him those things, but I'm sure he will lash out.
I found in one of your previous AskMe's that you're about 25 years old, that's helpful to know. Do you both live with your parents? Are there any cultural norms that we should be aware of?
The simple answer is: you have no control over his behavior, you only have control over yours. If he isn't the one that moves it to physical altercations, you simply need to control your own anger and reactions, or, if you don't live together, just avoid him, as mentioned by windykites.
And, if he threatens or acts violently, call the police.
posted by HuronBob at 12:03 PM on October 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
The simple answer is: you have no control over his behavior, you only have control over yours. If he isn't the one that moves it to physical altercations, you simply need to control your own anger and reactions, or, if you don't live together, just avoid him, as mentioned by windykites.
And, if he threatens or acts violently, call the police.
posted by HuronBob at 12:03 PM on October 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Unfortunately, yes I have to live with him and yes I still live with my parents. There aren't any cultural norms as far as I know and if there were I wouldn't care, I'm not one for respecting traditions just for the sake of it.
I have tried to just not interact with him, but he doesn't get the message, he thinks he can still speak to me as if things were fine. I don't want that and I don't want him speaking to me like if everything was alright, it isn't and he needs to understand that.
posted by Braxis at 12:14 PM on October 14, 2018
I have tried to just not interact with him, but he doesn't get the message, he thinks he can still speak to me as if things were fine. I don't want that and I don't want him speaking to me like if everything was alright, it isn't and he needs to understand that.
posted by Braxis at 12:14 PM on October 14, 2018
Look, you can't make him do shit. You can dislike how he speaks to you but you can't stop him speaking in your presence in any way he chooses, all you can do is not be there to be spoken to. You don't get to control him, that's not a power that human beings get over other human beings.
When you set and exercise a boundary, it has to be things you CAN exercise. You can call the police, you can remove yourself from his presence, you can make decisions about how you do or don't talk to him no matter what his behavior, you can withhold financial support, you can kick his ass and risk assault charges of your own. Those are all things you can do.
You cannot make abuse stop by telling an abuser to stop. It doesn't work like that. That would be the fair thing, but it is not how the universe works. You cannot make him "get the message", whatever that means. He has no interest in stopping his behavior, he does not care how you feel about it.
Yes, you run the risk of getting hurt by "cutting him off", whatever that means when you can't or won't leave, and most domestic violence counseling is going to advise you not to get yourself killed just to prove a point. You do what you need to do to survive until you can get out, or get him removed, but again you're going to have to get him removed by someone other than himself or your enabling parents who far prefer he abuse you than them.
There may be all kinds of things he needs to understand, but he's not gonna. You need to make your own plans accordingly.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:28 PM on October 14, 2018 [33 favorites]
When you set and exercise a boundary, it has to be things you CAN exercise. You can call the police, you can remove yourself from his presence, you can make decisions about how you do or don't talk to him no matter what his behavior, you can withhold financial support, you can kick his ass and risk assault charges of your own. Those are all things you can do.
You cannot make abuse stop by telling an abuser to stop. It doesn't work like that. That would be the fair thing, but it is not how the universe works. You cannot make him "get the message", whatever that means. He has no interest in stopping his behavior, he does not care how you feel about it.
Yes, you run the risk of getting hurt by "cutting him off", whatever that means when you can't or won't leave, and most domestic violence counseling is going to advise you not to get yourself killed just to prove a point. You do what you need to do to survive until you can get out, or get him removed, but again you're going to have to get him removed by someone other than himself or your enabling parents who far prefer he abuse you than them.
There may be all kinds of things he needs to understand, but he's not gonna. You need to make your own plans accordingly.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:28 PM on October 14, 2018 [33 favorites]
Because you still live with your abuser, I recommend you contact a local domestic violence organization. They are experienced in helping people survive domestic abuse situations and formulating a safe plan to get out, even if the time you will leave is not today.
I’m very sorry you are going through this, and I hope you get some outside help so you can be free of your brother’s abuse.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:30 PM on October 14, 2018 [16 favorites]
I’m very sorry you are going through this, and I hope you get some outside help so you can be free of your brother’s abuse.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:30 PM on October 14, 2018 [16 favorites]
You have to develop a strategy that does not involve depending on him to do what you want. And it’s pointless to try to tell him anything in advance, that is obvious based on what you’ve said. Also, you have to pick your battles because you live with this guy. The tactics to go with the strategy of having as little to do with your abusive brother as possible depends in part on your resources. Do you have a room of your own, for example. If there’s not a lock on it already, can you put a lock on it. Also, you set boundaries by calmly stating the boundary and then walking away if somebody ignores the boundary. Turns out that in the beginning if you start setting a boundary the abusive person and even normal people will press harder to try to get their way. So you have to expect escalation when you say no and be prepared to back up what you’ve decided to do in advance— but not told your brother about—every single time. So make sure you have some food around so if you have to leave dinner without finishing it because your brother has insisted on touching you after you have told him that he is not allowed to touch you, that is something you need to do. I’m on my phone and I don’t have experience with the specific type of abusive situation you’re in, but I strongly encourage you to call the domestic violence or domestic abuse line. I don’t know what it’s called but I do know it will be available somewhere on MetaFilter. You are sure to find it if you Google MetaFilter and domestic violence or domestic abuse. This is a really hard situation. Part of the challenge is learning to accept something that really sucks. The most sucky thing for me, when I was dealing with an abusive person, was learning to accept That I was dealing with an it rational person who I could never ever reason with and that talking was useless. The only thing I could control was myself. What saved me was learning to walk away before I wanted to hit this person or jump out a window myself. It took a while to learn that skill and to use it well but eventually I did and today I have a good relationship with that person. Your mileage may vary. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 12:39 PM on October 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 12:39 PM on October 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Sorry, but it sounds like your brother is never going to react to you or communicate with you in a way that you that find emotionally appropriate or gives you "closure" (such as acknowledging that his behavior is wrong and his fault). There is no magic set of words or actions that we could help you devise to change his long-time behavior and attitude. There is no point to trying to verbally cut him off because that won't achieve the outcome you are looking for. He won't understand your point of view & you can't make him do anything. Focus on taking care of yourself, conserving your emotional energy, and removing yourself from this situation.
I think you should try to move out of the house ASAP, but in the meantime you can only control your own words and actions. Don't engage with your brother. Don't try to appeal to your parents to discipline him, or to take your side; you know they aren't going to do that. Don't share personal or emotional things with your brother or your parents. Be polite and neutral and bland. Google "grey rock technique" for dealing with abusive, manipulative or personality disordered individuals.
If you notice he is starting to verbally bait or provoke you, practice saying in a neutral tone, "I'm not interested in talking about this," and getting up and leaving the room or the house as soon as you see the conversation is headed toward a fight. Have somewhere you can go on short notice to get out of the house - a friend's place, a YMCA or gym that's open late, an all-night diner, church, whatever works for you. You should always PHYSICALLY LEAVE rather than allow yourself to be drawn into a verbal or physical confrontation.
Get a lock on your bedroom door & perhaps also on your closet. Keep your phone on you & charged at all times. Secure valuable possessions and original documents in a place where your brother can't get to them. Make sure your car is well-maintained and always has half a tank of gas or more so you can leave at a moment's notice anytime you need to. Save money as much as you can to move out of the house and don't tell anyone in your family you're planning to move.
If your brother starts to behave violently or verbally threatens anyone with violence, tell him to stop, call 911, and record his behavior. Be prepared to provide evidence of what he's saying and doing if you call 911, otherwise he may try to tell the police that you started it/threatened him, in an attempt to avoid facing the consequences of his own actions.
Consider telling a friend or another family member that things aren't great at home/you don't feel safe, and asking if you can crash with them for a night or two if you need to in an emergency - that way, if the situation does escalate, you can leave the house immediately & know you always have a place to go that night, & they'll know if you're calling them at midnight that it's an emergency.
Domestic violence organizations are professionals at helping people in situations like this and you should absolutely contact one. It's incredibly difficult to live with your abuser.
posted by zdravo at 12:43 PM on October 14, 2018 [11 favorites]
I think you should try to move out of the house ASAP, but in the meantime you can only control your own words and actions. Don't engage with your brother. Don't try to appeal to your parents to discipline him, or to take your side; you know they aren't going to do that. Don't share personal or emotional things with your brother or your parents. Be polite and neutral and bland. Google "grey rock technique" for dealing with abusive, manipulative or personality disordered individuals.
If you notice he is starting to verbally bait or provoke you, practice saying in a neutral tone, "I'm not interested in talking about this," and getting up and leaving the room or the house as soon as you see the conversation is headed toward a fight. Have somewhere you can go on short notice to get out of the house - a friend's place, a YMCA or gym that's open late, an all-night diner, church, whatever works for you. You should always PHYSICALLY LEAVE rather than allow yourself to be drawn into a verbal or physical confrontation.
Get a lock on your bedroom door & perhaps also on your closet. Keep your phone on you & charged at all times. Secure valuable possessions and original documents in a place where your brother can't get to them. Make sure your car is well-maintained and always has half a tank of gas or more so you can leave at a moment's notice anytime you need to. Save money as much as you can to move out of the house and don't tell anyone in your family you're planning to move.
If your brother starts to behave violently or verbally threatens anyone with violence, tell him to stop, call 911, and record his behavior. Be prepared to provide evidence of what he's saying and doing if you call 911, otherwise he may try to tell the police that you started it/threatened him, in an attempt to avoid facing the consequences of his own actions.
Consider telling a friend or another family member that things aren't great at home/you don't feel safe, and asking if you can crash with them for a night or two if you need to in an emergency - that way, if the situation does escalate, you can leave the house immediately & know you always have a place to go that night, & they'll know if you're calling them at midnight that it's an emergency.
Domestic violence organizations are professionals at helping people in situations like this and you should absolutely contact one. It's incredibly difficult to live with your abuser.
posted by zdravo at 12:43 PM on October 14, 2018 [11 favorites]
Dude, you need to get the hell out of Dodge. Not just out of your mom's house, out of your job and out of your current city. I looked back through your questions and you're chafing at the bit. (Sorry for all the cowboy cliches.) Where do you want to be? What do you want to do? Get on train and go somewhere fair and far away and live there for a year or twelve working temp or doing whatever to support yourself until you get established and get this crap childhood over with once and for all and can be grown and independent and can do what you want and stop worrying about ancient stupid family behavior patterns laid down in infancy that are keeping you trapped.
posted by Don Pepino at 12:46 PM on October 14, 2018 [32 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 12:46 PM on October 14, 2018 [32 favorites]
I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you should find a way to move out, first.
If your brother is actually more decent than you seem to think - which is basically the only way this kind of request could work - then even if he takes things relatively well, "don't talk to me while we're still constantly in each other's living space" seems both unkind and stressful to him and extremely difficult to keep up.
If on the other hand he is as bad as you've described, then for your brother to accept what you want to tell him means that he'd have to accept that he's not that great a guy. Not a very good guy, at all. That kind of realization is extraordinarily painful, and most people look around for any other alternative explanation they can come up with. His alternative to believing there's something profoundly wrong with him would be to believe there's something profoundly wrong with you, and that in explaining your feelings to him you have done him a serious act of (nonphysical) violence. And especially with you living in the same place as him, you'll be a constant trigger for his need to lash out, in the worst case, or for his shame and pain, in the best and least likely case.
It's not impossible that he'll go for the harder, more painful route of introspection. It's much less likely, though, and you have to gauge how likely it is.
I wouldn't bet on it; I would move out.
In some ways it sounds like what you really want is not (just) for him to change his behavior towards you, but for him to acknowledge what he's done. I think that is, sadly, a goal you need to let go of. Expecting or demanding that someone will accept a massive hit to their ego and entire sense of self isn't realistic. The best you can do is hope, from a distance. But don't wait up for it.
posted by trig at 12:59 PM on October 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
If your brother is actually more decent than you seem to think - which is basically the only way this kind of request could work - then even if he takes things relatively well, "don't talk to me while we're still constantly in each other's living space" seems both unkind and stressful to him and extremely difficult to keep up.
If on the other hand he is as bad as you've described, then for your brother to accept what you want to tell him means that he'd have to accept that he's not that great a guy. Not a very good guy, at all. That kind of realization is extraordinarily painful, and most people look around for any other alternative explanation they can come up with. His alternative to believing there's something profoundly wrong with him would be to believe there's something profoundly wrong with you, and that in explaining your feelings to him you have done him a serious act of (nonphysical) violence. And especially with you living in the same place as him, you'll be a constant trigger for his need to lash out, in the worst case, or for his shame and pain, in the best and least likely case.
It's not impossible that he'll go for the harder, more painful route of introspection. It's much less likely, though, and you have to gauge how likely it is.
I wouldn't bet on it; I would move out.
In some ways it sounds like what you really want is not (just) for him to change his behavior towards you, but for him to acknowledge what he's done. I think that is, sadly, a goal you need to let go of. Expecting or demanding that someone will accept a massive hit to their ego and entire sense of self isn't realistic. The best you can do is hope, from a distance. But don't wait up for it.
posted by trig at 12:59 PM on October 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
I don't see how you can completely cut him off while you are still living in your parents' house. You know that your parent just want to pretend everything is OK and they tend to forgive him but not you. The problem is that if he is going to act all friendly and normal and you refuse to talk with him or let him be around you, your parents are going to put a lot pressure on you to "be nice". Since you are dependent on them and live in their house, this is going to be hard. In this situation, instead of drawing a hard and public line, I think it will help you more to go "grey rock". There is a description here. The idea is to be as boring and neutral as possible so that teasing or tormenting you is no longer fun for him. If you can pull it off, it will also you not lose your temper while still behaving in ways that won't give your parents much ammunition for blaming you.
posted by metahawk at 1:15 PM on October 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 1:15 PM on October 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
You should call the police if he gets violent and let it play out as it does, don't try to control it. Mentally remove yourself from the situation and as soon as you can physically remove yourself. Tell your family "I will talk to you again in 6 months, I need a break. I hope you spend this time reflecting on what happened". Then don't even think about them for that time.
posted by fshgrl at 1:40 PM on October 14, 2018
posted by fshgrl at 1:40 PM on October 14, 2018
I've thought about your question a long time. I grew up in an abusive family, and a female family member of mine lived with an abusive man for five years. It's really tough to get out of a situation like this and I feel for you.
From what you've written, I believe this is domestic violence. The most important consideration is how to keep yourself safe. You're going to need a plan. Here's a good place to start: https://www.thehotline.org
If your parents are as enabling as you indicate, then you're going to have to set some serious boundaries with them, too. If they don't stick up for you when your brother is abusing you, then you may have to be very clear with them about what you will no longer tolerate from your brother. They may even try to talk you out of any changes you want to make. If so, don't try to explain it to them, just make your boundary clear and stick up for yourself. You have to be on your own side here. Don't engage with any arguments. Just state your boundary and keep repeating that you've said all you want to say on the subject.
I agree with all the folks who think you should disengage entirely from your brother. He will not understand or accept the changes you want because he will lose control over you.
What would you tell a friend in this situation? Empower yourself by making a step-by-step plan. Start with setting hard and fast boundaries with everyone who lives in that house. Get a lock for your bedroom, as others here have suggested. Work toward being independent enough to move out, no matter how long that takes. Ask for help.
I know how deeply difficult this is. Taking action is scary, but it will liberate you in more ways than one.
posted by J. Tiberius at 2:25 PM on October 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
From what you've written, I believe this is domestic violence. The most important consideration is how to keep yourself safe. You're going to need a plan. Here's a good place to start: https://www.thehotline.org
If your parents are as enabling as you indicate, then you're going to have to set some serious boundaries with them, too. If they don't stick up for you when your brother is abusing you, then you may have to be very clear with them about what you will no longer tolerate from your brother. They may even try to talk you out of any changes you want to make. If so, don't try to explain it to them, just make your boundary clear and stick up for yourself. You have to be on your own side here. Don't engage with any arguments. Just state your boundary and keep repeating that you've said all you want to say on the subject.
I agree with all the folks who think you should disengage entirely from your brother. He will not understand or accept the changes you want because he will lose control over you.
What would you tell a friend in this situation? Empower yourself by making a step-by-step plan. Start with setting hard and fast boundaries with everyone who lives in that house. Get a lock for your bedroom, as others here have suggested. Work toward being independent enough to move out, no matter how long that takes. Ask for help.
I know how deeply difficult this is. Taking action is scary, but it will liberate you in more ways than one.
posted by J. Tiberius at 2:25 PM on October 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Speaking as someone who lived in a very similar situation, where I was a scapegoat, older brother and father were abusive, and mom enabled/ignored everything:
I believe you. You probably hear all the time from people who think this is not a big deal or who minimize your feelings. But anyone in your situation would be going nutty. I did, and I was blamed when I reacted as any reasonable person would when prodded.
So look, your family are not going to believe you, but YOU know your feelings and your life are important. And your anger, though it comes out in ugly ways, is signaling something to you. You are getting ready to move on.
When you move out of an abusive situation, it is very freeing. You will not have to focus on these abusive fucksticks anymore. Living with abusers, your body and mind become hyper-vigilant. You become in a near constant state of anxiety just to survive.
But when you live on your own, you only have to focus on YOURSELF. Which is to say I think you could try practicing now.
Anytime you obsess over something your brother did or said, refocus to your own goals. And if you begin thinking about how your mom and dad should treat you better, refocus again. Keep refocusing, again and again, on YOUR SELF.
Keep a secret password protected journal, and write down your goals and dreams. What would you do if you didn’t have to worry about your family members? Where would you live, how would you spend your time, if nothing, not even money or your health, were holding you back? Just allow yourself to have these beautiful dreams, you know? Instead of thinking about your family, think about yourself.
I believe you and I believe you deserve so much better and I believe you can do what you need to do to thrive.
posted by shalom at 3:51 PM on October 14, 2018 [12 favorites]
I believe you. You probably hear all the time from people who think this is not a big deal or who minimize your feelings. But anyone in your situation would be going nutty. I did, and I was blamed when I reacted as any reasonable person would when prodded.
So look, your family are not going to believe you, but YOU know your feelings and your life are important. And your anger, though it comes out in ugly ways, is signaling something to you. You are getting ready to move on.
When you move out of an abusive situation, it is very freeing. You will not have to focus on these abusive fucksticks anymore. Living with abusers, your body and mind become hyper-vigilant. You become in a near constant state of anxiety just to survive.
But when you live on your own, you only have to focus on YOURSELF. Which is to say I think you could try practicing now.
Anytime you obsess over something your brother did or said, refocus to your own goals. And if you begin thinking about how your mom and dad should treat you better, refocus again. Keep refocusing, again and again, on YOUR SELF.
Keep a secret password protected journal, and write down your goals and dreams. What would you do if you didn’t have to worry about your family members? Where would you live, how would you spend your time, if nothing, not even money or your health, were holding you back? Just allow yourself to have these beautiful dreams, you know? Instead of thinking about your family, think about yourself.
I believe you and I believe you deserve so much better and I believe you can do what you need to do to thrive.
posted by shalom at 3:51 PM on October 14, 2018 [12 favorites]
I don't want that and I don't want him speaking to me like if everything was alright, it isn't and he needs to understand that.
No he doesn’t. Any course of action that requires something of him is almost certainly doomed because "You cannot interact with him without things getting heated up to a point that leads to confrontation."
I agree with people about seeking out domestic abuse resources, but failing that you should let that thought stay with you. You’re forced to interact because you live together but you can keep that to a minimum, and any time you feel the overwhelming unfairness of the situation or like giving him a stern talking to, it’s "You cannot interact with him without things getting heated up to a point that leads to confrontation."
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:47 PM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
No he doesn’t. Any course of action that requires something of him is almost certainly doomed because "You cannot interact with him without things getting heated up to a point that leads to confrontation."
I agree with people about seeking out domestic abuse resources, but failing that you should let that thought stay with you. You’re forced to interact because you live together but you can keep that to a minimum, and any time you feel the overwhelming unfairness of the situation or like giving him a stern talking to, it’s "You cannot interact with him without things getting heated up to a point that leads to confrontation."
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:47 PM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry that you were provoked into reacting to his nasty behavior. It's horribly hard for you, but please don't let him win by being the kind of person he wants to make you be.
I strongly disagree with the idea that you should tell him a single thing. He'll be delighted knowing that he got to you that badly and you're just asking for more trouble. He's almost guaranteed to escalate his bad behavior afterwards.
If he starts on the abuse, don't say a word, just get up and walk away. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Go in the room and lock the door, leave the house for a walk or drive, do whatever you have to do to get away from the situation.
Just be prepared for him to try to get physically violent. If he does, you're going to have to get away from him completely or call the police. And if your parents take his part, I would sit them down and have a Come to Jesus with them when he's not around. You need to tell THEM that you will not put up with it, it's abuse, and if they persist in supporting his bad behavior, you will seriously think of cutting ties with them as well, unless they can get it together and support you.
You absolutely need to get out of the house. Your life will be so much better. Put in for jobs in other towns or cities. At the least, consider taking a room somewhere, or get an apartment with a roommate. You need to put some distance (literately) between you and your family. Then you can start re-framing the ways in which you want to interact with your parents.
posted by BlueHorse at 5:53 PM on October 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
I strongly disagree with the idea that you should tell him a single thing. He'll be delighted knowing that he got to you that badly and you're just asking for more trouble. He's almost guaranteed to escalate his bad behavior afterwards.
If he starts on the abuse, don't say a word, just get up and walk away. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Go in the room and lock the door, leave the house for a walk or drive, do whatever you have to do to get away from the situation.
Just be prepared for him to try to get physically violent. If he does, you're going to have to get away from him completely or call the police. And if your parents take his part, I would sit them down and have a Come to Jesus with them when he's not around. You need to tell THEM that you will not put up with it, it's abuse, and if they persist in supporting his bad behavior, you will seriously think of cutting ties with them as well, unless they can get it together and support you.
You absolutely need to get out of the house. Your life will be so much better. Put in for jobs in other towns or cities. At the least, consider taking a room somewhere, or get an apartment with a roommate. You need to put some distance (literately) between you and your family. Then you can start re-framing the ways in which you want to interact with your parents.
posted by BlueHorse at 5:53 PM on October 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
What a hard situation. I haven't experienced this directly, so would stress the responses from others who have more experience. I would call the DV center and be ready to call the police. I might have some friends who check in with you regularly to make sure you're okay. Get a fund of money and have a bag packed in case you need to leave. Your safety is paramount.
While still living there, I would try to remain calm. Imagine you're a stone and his words and emotions go past you like water. Decide your limits *and do not tell him* -- that turns it into a negotiation and gives him power to accept or decline the implied request that he comply. Just know your limits and hold them closely to yourself. If he starts to escalate, say, "I can't stay here for this" or "I'm not open to this conversation if you're yelling," and then leave. If you can. Lock the door. Eat meals in your room. Let him "own" whatever spaces he wants, as long as you have your safe space with a physical lock on it. If you can't get out of the common space, though: wear headphones, be boring, stare into space. Not to get a response from him -- not the silent treatment -- but just dial the amount of emotion you open up toward him way down.
Look out for yourself. It sounds like you're unsafe, so whatever it takes to be safe, I would do it. It's not about proving anything. It's not about getting him to admit what he's done. He's demonstrated his opinion doesn't count anymore. Look out for your safety -- emotional, physical, mental.
posted by ramenopres at 7:01 PM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
While still living there, I would try to remain calm. Imagine you're a stone and his words and emotions go past you like water. Decide your limits *and do not tell him* -- that turns it into a negotiation and gives him power to accept or decline the implied request that he comply. Just know your limits and hold them closely to yourself. If he starts to escalate, say, "I can't stay here for this" or "I'm not open to this conversation if you're yelling," and then leave. If you can. Lock the door. Eat meals in your room. Let him "own" whatever spaces he wants, as long as you have your safe space with a physical lock on it. If you can't get out of the common space, though: wear headphones, be boring, stare into space. Not to get a response from him -- not the silent treatment -- but just dial the amount of emotion you open up toward him way down.
Look out for yourself. It sounds like you're unsafe, so whatever it takes to be safe, I would do it. It's not about proving anything. It's not about getting him to admit what he's done. He's demonstrated his opinion doesn't count anymore. Look out for your safety -- emotional, physical, mental.
posted by ramenopres at 7:01 PM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is domestic violence, however not all domestic violence agencies in the US have funding for non intimate partner DV. Just be warned that cold calling a DV agency or hotline may lead you to services that you don't qualify for. Its a horrible reality and you deserve better. There are agencies that will help so keep looking.
You can only control you. How can you work on your independence? How can you work on spending less time in the home? Can you identify places you could go in an emergency? Even if it's a police station, shelter or emergency room. Take gentle care of you.
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:12 PM on October 14, 2018
You can only control you. How can you work on your independence? How can you work on spending less time in the home? Can you identify places you could go in an emergency? Even if it's a police station, shelter or emergency room. Take gentle care of you.
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:12 PM on October 14, 2018
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Do you live with him and/or your parents?
posted by windykites at 12:00 PM on October 14, 2018 [14 favorites]