Tips for managing anxiety related to compliments
October 1, 2018 7:28 AM Subscribe
Query: do you feel anxious when you receive compliments? If so, do you have good managing techniques? Feel like sharing some?
Mostly as a writer I am comfortable swimming in the river of rejections that come my way. Seriously, I mean, maybe I'm sad for a second, but then I actually feel charged, inspired to write more. I'm pretty comfortable as a failure.
What winds me up? The opposite of rejection. Acceptances and complimentary rejections give me the willies. Specifically, I have intrusive thoughts related to how I'm going to respond to X nice email when I'm trying to focus on something else. Then I worry that I haven't been nice enough in my email after I've sent it and those thoughts get in my way.
I'm in therapy so the roots of this I'm exploring, but my therapist is out of town for two weeks and I got some nice words and am trying to function like a grown-ass adult here.
Anyway, hints and trips?
THANK YOU
Mostly as a writer I am comfortable swimming in the river of rejections that come my way. Seriously, I mean, maybe I'm sad for a second, but then I actually feel charged, inspired to write more. I'm pretty comfortable as a failure.
What winds me up? The opposite of rejection. Acceptances and complimentary rejections give me the willies. Specifically, I have intrusive thoughts related to how I'm going to respond to X nice email when I'm trying to focus on something else. Then I worry that I haven't been nice enough in my email after I've sent it and those thoughts get in my way.
I'm in therapy so the roots of this I'm exploring, but my therapist is out of town for two weeks and I got some nice words and am trying to function like a grown-ass adult here.
Anyway, hints and trips?
THANK YOU
Best answer: No, I don't feel anxious when I receive compliments.
But, I figured I could help anyway. There's a few different ways you can respond to a compliment. I'll try to list them and put them in the context of someone complimenting your writing "I just wanted to write and say that your writing really reached me - I was in a dark place, and your story just touched me in a way I haven't been touched so much".
1. Return the compliment.
"Thank you so much! It takes a keen eye to see the underlying message behind my writing. I'm glad to have an astute reader like you! Your message really brightened my day - thank you!"
2. Accept the compliment.
"Thank you! I worked really hard on this. I'm glad you liked it!"
3. Deflect / Deny the compliment.
"I'm glad you liked it - it's not my best work, and I really wish I was able to do better in the second chapter. I'm always trying to improve!"
4. Don't Reply.
Don't feel obligated to reply to every comment or compliment. Most people don't expect a reply, even if they wrote you a long piece of commentary.
Commonly, you should try to Accept "Thank you!", try to Return the Compliment "Your message really spurs me on!" and avoid deflecting or denying.
You're a writer, write up a letter and base all of your replies from that. Once you have a "Plan" even if it's "Accept, return, close" - it shouldn't be such a hard problem to overcome.
posted by bbqturtle at 7:50 AM on October 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
But, I figured I could help anyway. There's a few different ways you can respond to a compliment. I'll try to list them and put them in the context of someone complimenting your writing "I just wanted to write and say that your writing really reached me - I was in a dark place, and your story just touched me in a way I haven't been touched so much".
1. Return the compliment.
"Thank you so much! It takes a keen eye to see the underlying message behind my writing. I'm glad to have an astute reader like you! Your message really brightened my day - thank you!"
2. Accept the compliment.
"Thank you! I worked really hard on this. I'm glad you liked it!"
3. Deflect / Deny the compliment.
"I'm glad you liked it - it's not my best work, and I really wish I was able to do better in the second chapter. I'm always trying to improve!"
4. Don't Reply.
Don't feel obligated to reply to every comment or compliment. Most people don't expect a reply, even if they wrote you a long piece of commentary.
Commonly, you should try to Accept "Thank you!", try to Return the Compliment "Your message really spurs me on!" and avoid deflecting or denying.
You're a writer, write up a letter and base all of your replies from that. Once you have a "Plan" even if it's "Accept, return, close" - it shouldn't be such a hard problem to overcome.
posted by bbqturtle at 7:50 AM on October 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: The best advice I ever got around receiving compliments: Say thank you and move on.
I totally feel you on this; I find it pretty awkward and self-conscious to receive compliments. My standard response is basically, "You're so kind to say so. Thank you!" If it's a compliment that's about something I really care about or have worked hard on, I might add, "That means a lot to me," before I say thanks. Then I change the subject and proceed! That's worked really well for the last 25 years, and has even helped me feel more relaxed over time about receiving compliments in general.
posted by spindrifter at 7:51 AM on October 1, 2018 [6 favorites]
I totally feel you on this; I find it pretty awkward and self-conscious to receive compliments. My standard response is basically, "You're so kind to say so. Thank you!" If it's a compliment that's about something I really care about or have worked hard on, I might add, "That means a lot to me," before I say thanks. Then I change the subject and proceed! That's worked really well for the last 25 years, and has even helped me feel more relaxed over time about receiving compliments in general.
posted by spindrifter at 7:51 AM on October 1, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Well, difficulty accepting compliments is one of the markers of low self-esteem. This is according to a lot of reading I have done about the mysteries of self-esteem and how it is developed, or not, and who has it, or not, etc.
I find that I worry about compliments or acceptances because then there is a burden of continuing to prove myself. Yes, I am worthy of this compliment! Let me show you how! ... and the showing part, and the work to retain so-and-so's approval (which won't work anyway because you cannot control others like that but old habits, especially thinking habits, die hard) becomes a stressor of itself. So, in that way, rejection is easier. They don't like me/my work. Shrug. Done.
To answer your question of what to do about it, what I have done, at least, is taken up meditation which helps me observe my intrusive thoughts and not let myself assign them so much meaning. They are really just thoughts. Therapy helps me to understand the origins of my intrusive thoughts, because they do come from somewhere. I find that this combined approach helps me, but ymmv, of course.
posted by Crystal Fox at 7:55 AM on October 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
I find that I worry about compliments or acceptances because then there is a burden of continuing to prove myself. Yes, I am worthy of this compliment! Let me show you how! ... and the showing part, and the work to retain so-and-so's approval (which won't work anyway because you cannot control others like that but old habits, especially thinking habits, die hard) becomes a stressor of itself. So, in that way, rejection is easier. They don't like me/my work. Shrug. Done.
To answer your question of what to do about it, what I have done, at least, is taken up meditation which helps me observe my intrusive thoughts and not let myself assign them so much meaning. They are really just thoughts. Therapy helps me to understand the origins of my intrusive thoughts, because they do come from somewhere. I find that this combined approach helps me, but ymmv, of course.
posted by Crystal Fox at 7:55 AM on October 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: One of my rules is that I must simply accept compliments. Not try to joke about them or otherwise act like they're not deserved, because that's not respectful of the other person's opinions. If for some reason they lied and didn't mean the compliment (as my brain insists they might have), that's on them, and I don't need to manage that entirely hypothetical situation for them. If they meant it, then why should I deny them the happiness of admiring something? The only time I may make a, "it might look like that but really..." remark is if the compliment is part of a lead-up to asking me to take on more work when I'm already at capacity, or part of an excuse for why they're not going to help me when actually I do need help.
I also don't go out of my way to think of something to compliment about them in return, because it feels insincere at that point. If it comes out as a natural extension of "thank you," that's fine. Example: someone told me I'm great to work with. This person is legitimately amazing to work with, so I took the opportunity to tell them so, high-fives all around, yay. But I don't go digging for something, even when it feels a little awkward not to have anything to say. (Example: Another person with a dog says, while walking past, "Your dog is so beautiful!" I have honestly not noticed their dog up until that point and although the dog seems fine, nothing stands out as needing comment. "Thank you!" I reply as I continue on our walk. I guess I could have squeezed "have a nice day" in there, except that we were walking in opposite directions.)
Working off of rules means a lot of my compliment-accepting responses are kind of formulaic and I regret that somewhat, but it's not like any given person receives excessive doses of them anyway so I think that I'm the only one who's bothered by it.
posted by teremala at 7:57 AM on October 1, 2018 [10 favorites]
I also don't go out of my way to think of something to compliment about them in return, because it feels insincere at that point. If it comes out as a natural extension of "thank you," that's fine. Example: someone told me I'm great to work with. This person is legitimately amazing to work with, so I took the opportunity to tell them so, high-fives all around, yay. But I don't go digging for something, even when it feels a little awkward not to have anything to say. (Example: Another person with a dog says, while walking past, "Your dog is so beautiful!" I have honestly not noticed their dog up until that point and although the dog seems fine, nothing stands out as needing comment. "Thank you!" I reply as I continue on our walk. I guess I could have squeezed "have a nice day" in there, except that we were walking in opposite directions.)
Working off of rules means a lot of my compliment-accepting responses are kind of formulaic and I regret that somewhat, but it's not like any given person receives excessive doses of them anyway so I think that I'm the only one who's bothered by it.
posted by teremala at 7:57 AM on October 1, 2018 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: oh yes to stress I do know I'm fucked in the head and am working on it in therapy, etc. The formulaic responses are actually really super helpful!
posted by angrycat at 8:00 AM on October 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by angrycat at 8:00 AM on October 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My go-to response is, "Thank you, that's so nice of you to say!" That's an acceptance bundled together with a compliment back to them about their kindness.
posted by juniperesque at 8:31 AM on October 1, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by juniperesque at 8:31 AM on October 1, 2018 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I'm a performer. When I recieve a compliment about a performance, my instinct is to say something like, "Thanks, but..." and explain why they are wrong.
So instead I say, "Thank-you very much. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!" It is a sincere expression which neatly sidesteps my own neuroses.
posted by Jode at 8:57 AM on October 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
So instead I say, "Thank-you very much. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!" It is a sincere expression which neatly sidesteps my own neuroses.
posted by Jode at 8:57 AM on October 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I find it difficult to deal with compliments--specifically, I find it hard to make eye contact with the person, and feel my smile get fixed and frozen. I've noticed that my reaction varies depending on what I'm being complimented on--the more effort I put into something, the easier it is to accept a compliment. But everyday compliments leave me a little speechless, and I worry that I'm perceived as haughty or rude. It's still a work in progress, but for now, I've trained myself to maintain neutral eye contact and say, "That's very kind of you." Because it is kind for somebody to say a nice thing about someone else. Which makes it feels the most natural thing to say in response.
posted by lassie at 10:08 AM on October 1, 2018
posted by lassie at 10:08 AM on October 1, 2018
Best answer: Acceptances and complimentary rejections give me the willies. Specifically, I have intrusive thoughts related to how I'm going to respond to X nice email when I'm trying to focus on something else. Then I worry that I haven't been nice enough in my email after I've sent it and those thoughts get in my way.
It sounds like you feel that the compliment is transactional; that now you owe them something, even if it's just extra-polite words. I feel this way, too! It might help to think about how unlikely it is that the compliment-giver intended to get over-the top gratitude back from you when lauding your writing skills.
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:18 AM on October 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you feel that the compliment is transactional; that now you owe them something, even if it's just extra-polite words. I feel this way, too! It might help to think about how unlikely it is that the compliment-giver intended to get over-the top gratitude back from you when lauding your writing skills.
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:18 AM on October 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think this is a very common thing, and it's sad that many of us have such difficulty in this area.
Years ago, one of my old Aikido teachers did an exercise about this. In Aikido we spent a lot of time getting centered while under pressure. That's a big part of practice - breathing, staying focused and grounded while people are physically attacking you.
This exercise particular shifted it to verbal attacks. You would stand in the center of a circle and, instead of physically attacking you, the people surrounding you would attack you verbally. "You suck!" "You're ugly!" "You're a stupid asshole!" During and after each attack, you'd ground yourself, stay focused, breath, move onto the next one. Everyone got pretty good in this part really quickly. We're kind of used to being dissed, I guess.
Then he switched it -- everyone surrounding you would give you complements: "You're amazing!" "I love how gentle you are!" "You're SO caring" and so on. Everyone found getting complemented MUCH harder to take then getting attacked. People would melt and find it so difficult to breath, center, and focus in the face of love.
I guess my advice to you is to find ways to practice. When you notice yourself wanting to reject or make a joke out of a complement, take a moment to breath, center yourself, get focused, and welcome it.
posted by jasper411 at 10:28 AM on October 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Years ago, one of my old Aikido teachers did an exercise about this. In Aikido we spent a lot of time getting centered while under pressure. That's a big part of practice - breathing, staying focused and grounded while people are physically attacking you.
This exercise particular shifted it to verbal attacks. You would stand in the center of a circle and, instead of physically attacking you, the people surrounding you would attack you verbally. "You suck!" "You're ugly!" "You're a stupid asshole!" During and after each attack, you'd ground yourself, stay focused, breath, move onto the next one. Everyone got pretty good in this part really quickly. We're kind of used to being dissed, I guess.
Then he switched it -- everyone surrounding you would give you complements: "You're amazing!" "I love how gentle you are!" "You're SO caring" and so on. Everyone found getting complemented MUCH harder to take then getting attacked. People would melt and find it so difficult to breath, center, and focus in the face of love.
I guess my advice to you is to find ways to practice. When you notice yourself wanting to reject or make a joke out of a complement, take a moment to breath, center yourself, get focused, and welcome it.
posted by jasper411 at 10:28 AM on October 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Have a couple of default polite replies scripted that you can alternate between.
Basically just:
A - say a simple thank you (never contradict or brush off a compliment, that's actually an insult to their taste and a rejection of their kindness and effort)
B - compliment them back: praise their eye for noticing X, or their status in the field, or their kindness for telling you. this part can turn into a little conversation in some contexts.
C - move along by turning the convo to another positive subject that's not about you, either by asking them something about themselves or praising the context in which they found you.
So, three examples of this A + B + C format:
Thank you so much! I was trying to make a subtle point about the patriarchy without being too didactic so it actually makes my day that you noticed that. I loved so many of the stories in this issue, have you had a chance to read the whole thing?
Oh I really appreciate that, thank you so much for taking the time to reach out! What else are you checking out at the book fair today?
Wow, thank you. I loved your story in Anthology X so that means a lot to me! How have you been lately?
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:54 AM on October 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
Basically just:
A - say a simple thank you (never contradict or brush off a compliment, that's actually an insult to their taste and a rejection of their kindness and effort)
B - compliment them back: praise their eye for noticing X, or their status in the field, or their kindness for telling you. this part can turn into a little conversation in some contexts.
C - move along by turning the convo to another positive subject that's not about you, either by asking them something about themselves or praising the context in which they found you.
So, three examples of this A + B + C format:
Thank you so much! I was trying to make a subtle point about the patriarchy without being too didactic so it actually makes my day that you noticed that. I loved so many of the stories in this issue, have you had a chance to read the whole thing?
Oh I really appreciate that, thank you so much for taking the time to reach out! What else are you checking out at the book fair today?
Wow, thank you. I loved your story in Anthology X so that means a lot to me! How have you been lately?
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:54 AM on October 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Thank you. I'm so glad you enjoyed the [story].
Thank you very much for your kind words.
I greatly appreciate your kind words.
Thank you - your comments mean a great deal to me.
Etc.!
posted by trig at 11:41 AM on October 1, 2018
Thank you very much for your kind words.
I greatly appreciate your kind words.
Thank you - your comments mean a great deal to me.
Etc.!
posted by trig at 11:41 AM on October 1, 2018
Best answer: I used to deflect compliments until one day my metalworking teacher lectured me about it. More important than "nobody else will notice the 'flaws' you're noticing unless you point them out" was him saying that by deflecting or denying a compliment, you're essentially telling the other person "No, you're wrong. You don't know what you're talking about. You're ignorant and have bad taste."
It took some time practicing, but I've gotten comfortable responding to compliments with a smile and a sincere "Thank you!" Sometimes I add "that's very kind of you" or "I like your hat too!" or something appropriate to the exchange, and sometimes I don't.
posted by Lexica at 11:52 AM on October 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
It took some time practicing, but I've gotten comfortable responding to compliments with a smile and a sincere "Thank you!" Sometimes I add "that's very kind of you" or "I like your hat too!" or something appropriate to the exchange, and sometimes I don't.
posted by Lexica at 11:52 AM on October 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Try to think of compliments as someone feeling good and wanting to share it with you. Don’t squash their joy; let them express the happy feelings in their hearts. You don’t have to control, or take it personally even. Be happy that they are happy.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:03 PM on October 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:03 PM on October 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: As someone who also struggles with accepting compliments, I have to say, great advice. My problem is also either feeling obligated to praise back or else downplay whatever is being complimented. I am getting better at it, but I think if you've gone through extremely critical environments especially it's hard to relax and accept appreciation without thinking of the all the ways it might be insincere or all of the other things you've been criticized for, or the big one, performance anxiety over keeping the approval.
posted by blue shadows at 1:29 PM on October 1, 2018
posted by blue shadows at 1:29 PM on October 1, 2018
Best answer: Working on my anxiety has made it a lot easier for me to accept compliments. I basically don't look at it as some sort of obligation (as Crystal Fox says) or some sort of taunt (this can be hard "Are they joking?" "Is this person being sarcastic?") and I just have a basic response "Thank you for saying that" or "Oh hey thanks" and move on. This way I am responding to what they are saying, not the general larger situation of whatever the thing is. Them saying something nice is nice, the end. My weird feelings are mine. It's a gracious act to accept someone's good intentions with some sort of kindness or at least attention. If they're doing it as some sort of a conversation opener (often my concern) then they can work on that as well as I can.
posted by jessamyn at 3:16 PM on October 1, 2018
posted by jessamyn at 3:16 PM on October 1, 2018
Best answer: My fallback is "Thank you, I am glad..."
... that I am able to do X.
... that people enjoy my work.
... that we have the same taste in Y.
This way I have a little script ready to go.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:46 PM on October 1, 2018
... that I am able to do X.
... that people enjoy my work.
... that we have the same taste in Y.
This way I have a little script ready to go.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:46 PM on October 1, 2018
Best answer: I'm a full-time professional writer, and I hang out with other profession writers, and VERY NORMAL exchange to have is, "Oh, I loved your piece about [thing]!" "Oh, thank you so much." If you want to tack on a "that means a lot coming from you" or a "finally getting a chance to write about $topic was so fun," that's fine too. In email, I like to deploy "Oh, what a great email!" in addition to the "thank you." So like "Oh, what a lovely email. Thank you for the kind words. [Business....]."
Like wellred, I did an exercise in high school where everyone in the room said something nice about you, and ALL you could say was "thank you." It's easily the most important lesson I learned in HS: When someone says something nice to/about you, the only answer is "thank you." That closes the loop! That's the circuit! That's the appropriate response, and it's not self-aggrandizing or lousy or smug or whatever. $Nicething --> "thank you" --> the end. This is not only acceptable, it's good.
Weirdly, rejecting a compliment makes the *other* person the jerk hole. “This was great!” “No, I suck!” “Oh, uh….” Saying “thank you” is the most gracious thing to do. If you are worried about being too, I don't know, "proud" or something (stop!!!!!), flipping it back is actually *worse* in a ton of ways, because suddenly the person who made a kind gesture — giving praise — is now either a dingdong or a fraud. The correct, appropriate, polite response is just: “Thank you.” I know it feels weird, but everything else feels weirder and is worse.
posted by Charity Garfein at 9:59 PM on October 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Like wellred, I did an exercise in high school where everyone in the room said something nice about you, and ALL you could say was "thank you." It's easily the most important lesson I learned in HS: When someone says something nice to/about you, the only answer is "thank you." That closes the loop! That's the circuit! That's the appropriate response, and it's not self-aggrandizing or lousy or smug or whatever. $Nicething --> "thank you" --> the end. This is not only acceptable, it's good.
Weirdly, rejecting a compliment makes the *other* person the jerk hole. “This was great!” “No, I suck!” “Oh, uh….” Saying “thank you” is the most gracious thing to do. If you are worried about being too, I don't know, "proud" or something (stop!!!!!), flipping it back is actually *worse* in a ton of ways, because suddenly the person who made a kind gesture — giving praise — is now either a dingdong or a fraud. The correct, appropriate, polite response is just: “Thank you.” I know it feels weird, but everything else feels weirder and is worse.
posted by Charity Garfein at 9:59 PM on October 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: In my experience women are much more likely to reject, brush off, or downplay compliments. We are socialized to do it. So, I feel like I am giving the middle finger to the patriarchy whenever I employ my rules about accepting all compliments with "Thank you!" and trying never to minimize my own accomplishments.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:03 PM on October 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:03 PM on October 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I'm on meds and in therapy for anxiety (et. al.), and have struggled with self-esteem and self-confidence my entire life. Accepting a compliment is so hard because it's like they've seen this special little piece of you that you do everything you can to keep hidden so it's safe from the prying eyes of, well, them.
So here's what you do.
Grab a friend. Ask them to help you practice. Their job is to compliment you. Your job is to say thank you. Nothing else. Nothing more. Just thank you. "Thank you." is a complete sentence.
"You look great today!"
"Thank you."
"Your hair looks fabulous!"
"Thank you."
"I love that shirt on you!"
"Thank you."
"That thing you wrote last week was so insightful!"
"Thank you."
"You're so smart, I don't know how you come up with stuff to write."
"Thank you."
You get the idea. Face-to-face, in person, practice.
If I can learn how to accept a compliment, you can too!
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 12:02 AM on October 2, 2018
So here's what you do.
Grab a friend. Ask them to help you practice. Their job is to compliment you. Your job is to say thank you. Nothing else. Nothing more. Just thank you. "Thank you." is a complete sentence.
"You look great today!"
"Thank you."
"Your hair looks fabulous!"
"Thank you."
"I love that shirt on you!"
"Thank you."
"That thing you wrote last week was so insightful!"
"Thank you."
"You're so smart, I don't know how you come up with stuff to write."
"Thank you."
You get the idea. Face-to-face, in person, practice.
If I can learn how to accept a compliment, you can too!
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 12:02 AM on October 2, 2018
Response by poster: THANK YOU EVERYBODY!
posted by angrycat at 2:33 PM on October 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by angrycat at 2:33 PM on October 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
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You clearly know how to say thank you! And that is all anyone really wants in response to a compliment, in my experience. It's all I want, too.
posted by wellred at 7:50 AM on October 1, 2018 [13 favorites]